All is going well

I am not writing much here becasue I don't have much time. It is good to have not much time to write when there is nothing "serious" that I am doing... without obligations I have not much time.
Painting is going well. This is not your regular painting class. WE all sorts of things, such as dancing, painting on each others paintings and sharing how it felt to have your painting to be ruined (or not)what blocks our creativity, more importantly what is creativity. sometimes it can be too much but it is good for me to explore these issues.
Funny ha! coming to India to practice yoga and ending up painting. But I guess this is the way universe is responding to my wish that I made last summer. I wished to have/create a job which I will enjoy and be creative with and which will allow me to have the life style that suits me (not banking). so now maybe I am building the foundations for that!

to make things clear

I do not think that there is anything wrong with Mysore. I met lovely local people there, Anu and her husband Ganesh, Tina, Gita and Lokesh! I appreciated their service for us, the great food, tailoring and big hearts and all.. I also met with very nice yoga students with whom I will probably keep in touch. When it comes to me having difficulties. I am aware that those were because of the conditioning's I had with myself, because of my attitudes! I do not blame Mysore or anyone... I do not pity myself, I do not feel sorry for myself. I am who I am but I am trying to change the way I perceive life, how I take it. I am not running away from difficulties. I have been through lots of difficulties in fact "the Anonymous" writer. I did not leave Mysore because of difficulties. Actually in my last week I was beginning to feel pretty much at home and feeling bad that I had to leave. but I left because they close the shala on 18th and I wanted to be with my sister in Pune and I really need to began meditating! I believe that it is time for me to relax! I pushed myself too much in the past, enduring situations which did not work very well for me and now I want to enjoy life, I do not want to take it so seriously. ohh if I do not pass this test of Mysore I am doomed ha! no I have been there, I enjoyed some of it and did not enjoy some of it and I am perfectly allowed to explore different things. I could stay there but I choose to not and I made a good decision. I am not running away from anything... I have already been there for 5 weeks and I am grateful for having that opportunity. so the Anonymous commenter, please do not harass me. this blog is my space where I open my heart but not to be stabbed.

Pune!

I have been in Pune for almost 6 days. The Osho meditation resort is like a paradise and sorry to disappoint but no orgies or pushy men... Lots of meditation most of them including dancing! I find it very enjoyable, dancing three times a day, what more you can ask for. It is much more expensive than rest of India but not unreasonable when you consider what you get. Food is good, mixture of healthy steamed veggies, and other Indian and western food. I am happy here. I do not have to think umm what to do rest of the day. In fact I have no time to come home except to sleep. I usually do three meditations during the day. I also did a two day painting course which was amazing. I might do another one which will be 10 day long... Practice has not been neglected but I might consider a bit since it became so rigid. Maybe I need to give some space to that and do other things which will be also very beneficial for me. I practiced at 3:30 am during the two day course since I had to attend to dynamic meditation at 6 am. The course began at 9:45 in the morning until 4 pm. After dynamic meditation not enough time to practice and go to breakfast before it closes at 9am and then after the course I have to attend to Kundalini meditation which is at 4:15pm and then at 6:40 pm the evening meeting... so I woke up at 3:30 am to practice... but I do not thing I should do that if I do the 10 day course. I might just reduce my practice to 1 hour and do it before I have my breakfast...
need to flexible ha! yes, I need to learn that!
Do I miss Mysore? I miss the practice in the shala for sure but not much else!

Last few days...

Tuesday I and my three other massage course drop out friends went to the Tibetan colony and visited the Golden temple. It was a long drive, about two and half hours and the road was a bit too bumpy, lots of joint release (something we learned from the massage course) but it was worth. The temple is beautiful but it is also kind of sad, the situation of Tibetan people… We took some pictures while also feeling a bit invasive. Yesterday I did some shopping and then had lunch with few people at Patricia’s. Patricia cooks Western food which can be heavenly after spending a month here. I did not realize how much I would get home sick by having a nice dessert with espresso!
When it comes to practice, it is okay. Tuesday I kept falling on my butt when trying to come up from my backdrops. I was a bit excited too with Swarsvati waiting for me. But yesterday was better; I managed to come up four times out of six trials. Today, Swarsvati came and then with the first one I fall on my butt again and she said “I will go, you do it”, so she figured what kind of nervous one I am… After she left, I managed to come up about four times again. However, today when I was at Tina’s for breakfast, this lady was telling how she lost her ability to come up from her backdrops in her last visit here. I thought ‘this is not good for you to hear Ahu’. Yeah it is all in my head, anyways, no going back, sorry Ahu, you waited too long to loose it.
Today I had a great conversation with Lokesh, the tailor, while having my coffee at Stand up café. He is very nice, we talked about how Indian people different than Westerners, etc… Then, I had lunch at Stand up Café at last. I have been wanting to that for a while but did not have the courage. Well, I did not know how to order, what to order… But I asked Lokesh in the morning and he gave me some tips, therefore, I handled it well and managed to have some idlys before leaving!
Tomorrow is my last practice at the shala. Then I am going to Green Hotel for my last night in Mysore. I wanted to have a pleasant stay in my last night, so I am giving myself this treat.

Yesterday, with my two other massage course drop out friends, we went to Lalitha Mahal Palace hotel for the pool. The hotel had a beautiful, quiet garden and the pool was very nice as well. We spent most of the day in there and got sun burned! It was nice to be away from Gokulam for few hours. It felt like a mini vacation.
But the real news is the fact that I did it at last! This morning I came up from my backdrops! There had to be a reason for me to stay one more week in Mysore, right? And this was the reason I guess because I don’t think it will be this soon for me to come up while I would be practicing by myself. It is the shala energy which gave me more confidence and also the tips that I have gotten from various friends here. I think the thing what arises with coming up is more of an opening of the heart. I have been feeling more open but also more exposed in a way that can be frightening… Anyways, I feel glad. In fact, I was so glad that I was almost going to hug Swarsvati. She is relieved I think because she had been giving me looks of “you again? Come up already!” So, she smiled at me and after doing back&forths and one deep backdrop, she said "tomorrow you hold your ankles."
Today I will join my land lady for lunch. She has been cooking since 4:30 am for her special puja lunch. That should be some kind of an experience for me…

Neglected Blog...

Yes, I have neglected my blog for a while. This is because I have been doing the massage course. One week of it is already finished and today is our off day. Tomorrow begins the second week. It has been quite an eventful one. We began as a group of thirteen people and now only seven of us left! Anyways, I guess I can say I am learning something. I can do two sessions now; one on the back, one on the front. What is surpirising for me is that I really enjoy giving massages. I thought I would like receiving massages more but I like both receiving and giving massages and actually, sometimes giving more…
Other than that, practice has been good. I get really tired with the massage course but still, practice is the best time of the day when I feel non of the tiredness. And gladly, I see difference in my practice for the better. I was not really expecting that in only a month but yes there are improvements. I began to half bend during head stands and then, I began to lift myself properly during in between navasanas. Lastly, this morning I realized that I might have a better lift and drag to vinyasas than before; still, not properly in any way but much better than earlier. Before it was so bad that I was not bothering and I was just putting my hands in front and jumping back… now I might begin practicing the lift and drag…
So, I dedicated my off day to shopping since it would be my last chance to do that before I leave next Saturday for Pune. The course will finish on Friday and then I am leaving next day with an evening flight. Today, with one of my friends from the massage course, I went to Rashinkars and actually orders a skirt to be made and then we went to another shop to look for shawls. I got one for mom and one for my aunt’s mom and my friend got four shawls for herself and as gifts. We were also going to look at the sandalwood shop but they were closed for lunch. I might go there when I go Wednesday to pick up my skirt. I actually had no intention to get anything done since I am leaving so soon but I saw this beautiful color cotton fabric, which is kind of pink but more like dried rose color… By the way, Lokesh made me the shirt I ordered at last and it turned out pretty nice so I ordered another one in another color but the maroon fisherman pants are still not done because he did not have the fabric… I hope he will get them done soon!
What else? I will go and see Guruji in half an hour. My one month is up tomorrow and I learned that I can pay him for a week! This is great! I did not know that I could pay him only for a week, so I was bumped thinking that I will be here in Mysore, and will be doing home practice!

Morning cap

This morning practice was good. I woke up with the determination that the practice was going to be good beside a sore throat. However, I forgot to do Baddha Konasana and realized that after Supta-Parsvasahita . I had to do it though, so I squeezed it between Supta-Parsvasahita and UbhayaPadangusthasana . I don’t know how lawful it is to do that but I did it anyways… just off the sequence… At the end, Guruji came to help me with the backdrops. At first, he kept telling me to come up but then he realized that I was not able to come up, and therefore, he helped me to come up. He has such a positive input whether he is standing beside you while you are practicing or helping you with an asana or just chuckling by the door when he sees Anna’s daughter… I enjoy his presence very much!
Today I have a sore, bitter throat and I am not sure if it is because I am getting cold or it is because of the pollution of burning garbage all over town.
One question: For whom Mysore is for? Is it really for anyone to criticize other people’s experience here? Is someone is shallow or avoiding their problems if they are having great time here and in the same way, is it such distasteful if someone is having hard time and is recognizing that? Can anyone decide that Mysore is not for some people? I don’t even thing that one can even answer for themselves until they go back and digest their experience…

A new week in Mysore...

Yesterday practice was good after couple of days of sluggish practice. I even feel like my backdrops are getting stronger and possibility to come up from them is getting a bit closer… However, today I was struggling with my new yoga rug… I never used one before and when I got here I got myself a rug. Charlie suggested that Mysore has the best yoga rugs when we bumped into him in the Yoga Show just before I left London. So, I bought a nice one in my first week of my journey, but the first time I tried to use it, I was sliding from it during downward dogs… I thought maybe if I wash it will not be slippery anymore. I washed it but this morning I was still sliding from it. To tell the truth, I am not fan of having lots of nick knacks while I am practicing but sometimes I feel like it might help to have a rug especially since my back sticks out so much and I get bruises from Gaba-Pindasana and also sometimes I sweat too much and I begin to slip from my rubber mat (but now I could not manage to not slip from cotton rug even without tons of sweat…)
Anyways, other than mat issues and practice, things are fine. Yesterday I took a walk to Café world but apparently Café World of Mysore do not follow yoga students’ time schedule. They were still closed when it was pass 9 am. I learned that they open at 10 am. So, I had to walk around until then. I went to Loyal World, got some nuts and walked back. When I was back there were two more yoga students waiting for the coffee, and then one more showed up. I asked for an americano but when I wanted a bit of milk in it, this turned out to be a problem. The girl who was serving the coffee was absolutely against of giving me milk to put into the black coffee. She was saying that it is cappuccino, this is black coffee, cannot be with milk. I was telling her that I will pay for the extra milk but no, she was very upset with me but then one of the other students came to my help and he said “can you give milk on the side?”, she again said something about cappuccino, he said “okay” and then she consented somehow. I thing she was saying that she will punch it as a cappuccino, meaning she will charge me for a cappuccino because of the extra milk. But, at the end, when I was paying the bill, they only charged me for an americano… I don’t know if I will ever go back there again. I somehow enjoy the male dominated stand up café where I can get that coffee mixed with chicory, over which they pour hot milk. I can also go to Shakti house for breakfast and have their French pressed good coffee anytime I am craving coffee…
I also visited Lokesh, the tailor, again. I wanted to see if he could do anything to the top of my dress which he made for me but not possible, it is done. Then I ordered a blouse, which I have seen on another yoga student but different color of it, and a maroon Thai fisherman pants for Pune, so I can practice in them while I am in the ashram. I thing Lokesh is a very nice man. Every time, I ask him "a bit of discount?" and he never turns me down! He gives me bits of discounts like 20 rupees, 25 rupees… I guess he will remember me as the bargain girl. Well, I cannot help it, I like to ask to see if anything happens, but I am not persistent…
One last thing: Kumar began Kundalini meditations this week. So, it will run from Monday to Wednesday. I like it so far...

Daily life and some more in Mysore

Yesterday we took a cooking class from Tina. I am sure all read CJ so I do not need to elaborate on it. But few words about Tina: she is very informative, she knows her cooking, she is a very good teacher (authoritative as well!) and her English is extremely good, better than mine. The food was great; we got to eat it at the end. I ate so much I could not eat anything after that late lunch (she makes us starve before tasting the food so we will like it :)) At night, there was Kirtan at the Shakti House. It was my first Kirtan experience and I really enjoyed it. It was for a charity helping poor people in India.
Today, me , Violetta and CJ went to Southern Star for breakfast. Krista was suppose to come as well but she had to attend a post funeral ceremony. I don’t think I will go to Southern Star for breakfast again. It is expensive food which you can food anywhere in Mysore for much cheaper and the atmosphere was not so appealing for me. Yes, it is a fancy hotel and they seem to have a beautiful garden but the breakfast is indoors. I would rather be outdoors than to be in air-conditioned place. Anyways, after that we ventured into the city for some shopping. I got Iyengar’s book “Light on Life”. It is suppose to be very good. Currently, I am reading one of Osho’s book on Yoga which I enjoy…
Then we returned to Gokulam after a weird record shopping experience which we got into because of CJ! After coming to Gokulam, I stopped by Suddha’s to buy myself one of those fancy bags she makes. There I bumped into Matthew and had a great conversation with him. I was telling him how I began loosing all my opinions, even enthusiasm about yoga since I have been to Mysore. And he told me something which sounds very correct: “The real practice begins when you don’t want to practice”. I could tell million of things about yoga before coming to Mysore, how good it is, how much I enjoy and why I enjoy yoga, and how it contributes to my life, etc… Now I feel like I cannot say a thing. But I believe this is not bad at all, I need all my perceptions to be shattered before I build truer ones.

Mysore mess dissolving!

Things are getting better. I sorted out some of the mess, so I feel more relaxed. My land lady is a bit of pushy though, which can be annoying but I have to learn how to deal with those sorts of things. She keeps pressuring me about taking cooking classes from her or making my friends take cooking classes from her, asking for their cell numbers etc… She also questioned me about where I had breakfast yesterday morning… I do not understand it really, I support her by staying there and paying rent but I also want to support other people here who are offering their services and I also want to have the opportunity socialize and meet with new people by going out. I have to learn to have things my way without getting frustrated and overreacting and when it is necessary I have to make myself clear enough. This trip had been mostly about anything but practice so far, but I guess it showed that there is so much yoga in life that I need work on.
This morning was led primary. I am feeling a bit heavy these days, I guess getting close to that period of month, so I had my first sluggish practice in the shala.
My latest plans are taking the core integration ayurvedic and yoga massage course which will run for 14 days (given by Kumar and Rassal) and then leave Mysore on the 2nd of December for Pune. I will see how it will go in Pune. My sister will join me there so I might feel better…
Yesterday CJ was suggesting that I might want to change my blog name to Mysore mess! It is actually not a bad idea :) it would make me laugh at myself every time I write my blog! But overall I have been lucky to meet with some great people here...
Hey I will get a massage from Kumar this Sunday, thanks to Carry!!!

Not so fabulous

So I am not having fabulous time in Mysore. I apologize from all those who would so much would like to be here… It seems like my three month stay will not be even two months but only one month. My one month will end around 26th of November. On the other hand, I want to take the massage workshop Kumar will be giving together with Rassal, but that begins on the 17th of this month and ends on the 1st of December. This means that I will have 6 days in Mysore where I will not be going to the shala, since I will not pay for a whole new month for 6 more days. I am not sure if this will be easy, if I will manage self practice here while knowing that the shala is boiling with breaths of many, alive and so powerful…
Well, no decisions yet, I will wait and see how I feel in a week. Then I will decide whether not to take the workshop and leave as soon as my month is up or take the workshop and stay longer and do self practices before the workshop.
I am not embarrassed or anything about having such difficulty adjusting because I have heard of many who had such problems on their first trip… You live and learn, and I think I will leave Mysore with some kind of knowledge. After leaving Mysore I will go to Pune as my sister insists. She loves it there and I usually love what she loves, I mean I have faith in her. Yeah, well she warned me about Mysore but then I did not listen… Anyway, it is my time to explore and every exploration does not have to be fabulous…

The mess...

I got myself into a mess with the housing situation… it is a long story and I am tired of telling about it. to cut it short, I am still not settled. I really believe that India magnifies things that people have issues with. I am staying with friends and waiting for some money and also waiting to meet with this lady who is renting out the room which is at the top floor of her house. I need to be positive, and so much. By the way, this keyboard sucks so I will not be able to write much.
We did self practice on Saturday afternoon, not wanting to take two days off and also just to be testing the roof and see how practice goes there, we might have much of those practices at the end of December when shala closes for 12 days! There was a moon party on Saturday night but neither of us wanted to go so badly, so we stayed in and had a quite night. Led practice this morning was good but I was really tired at the end of it…

Under the spotlights!

I have neglected my blog for a while because Anu’s was closed and internet in the other internet place was not working properly. But not much missed. This morning was led primary for everyone. While, us, the 6 o’clock group was waiting outside, we heard a loud noise and then electrical wires began sparkling. It was this big tree across from the shala, further up, falling down and hitting the wires! Luckily no harm was done to any living creature. Guruji came out and asked “what is going on?” And then everything proceeded as it should. When our group went in, I first put my mat to the left, on the second raw but then I realized that our group was much less crowded (I actually suspect that some people from our group sneaked to the earlier group, anyways…) and to avoid being squeezed in there, I began moving to the back where it was much more spacious. However, just when I was settling in, Sharat pointed me and said “you, come here!”, and then pointed the spot right in front of Guruji which opened up after the people from the earlier group, who were paying respects to Guruji, left. So, I did my practice under the spotlights. Thank god I did no silly, funny thing, and finished my practice without being embarrassed.
Tomorrow is no practice and Sunday is a moon day but I am planning to the a bit of something tomorrow. But of course all this depends on my living situation. At the moment, I am waiting, and hoping to be moving to this flat! Please cross you fingers for me!

Guruji affect

This morning, I practiced right in front of Guruji’s office and next to the wall. The wall made things a bit tough sometimes but still it was great. I was surrounded with men so there was lots of male energy around me, but in a good way, just strong energy. During Prasarita Padottanasana C Guruji came and said “head down, hands down”. It was funny because my hands were hitting against the wall and I was trying to move a bit back so I can get down… At the end, during backbends, Guruji came and began waiting in front of me. After the third one, he gently pulled me up and made me do three back drops one after another and three back&forths and the last back drop with moving hands in, each time saying “exhaaal”. They were intense and deep and great! After practice, when I went to pay my respects to Guruji, he asked me “where are you from?” I said “Turkiye, Turkey”, he said in a bit confused way “Turkey?” I guess he does not get many students from Turkey. So I said “I was in London for a year and my teacher was Cary Perkins”, then he said “one year?” well, it has not been a whole year since I began practicing Mysore style and unfortunately I could not practice for a whole year with Cary but I was in London for a year so I said “yes” and left…
So far, practice in the shala has been very inspiring, energizing! I really appreciate this opportunity and I really believe it will bring out what I have inside and improve my practice. The only bummer is that the shala is closed for 12 days at the end of December. What to do, what to do?? Got a decide.
One last note; I still have moments of “What the hell I am doing here”, especially when I go to bed at night. I guess one reason for that is, I still cannot let go this other very busy world and be here wholly and some other reasons as well…

Who goes first???

I woke up at 3AM this morning with the sound of the pouring rain. For a while, I thought it was so nice and then suddenly I remembered the clothes that I washed and hanged out! That was enough to not let me go back to sleep until I have to wake up. I was at the shala by 6AM. There were several people waiting. I began waiting as well and then more people came. The last person who came in asked me who came the last, and I said several people came in after me but I am not sure. At this instant, they were only shouting from inside “one more, come in!” So Sharat was not coming out and picking out people. Few more people went in, and then people began getting anxious, who goes next and who does not. One girl said to me it is not who arrived first, it is who registered first, and then I think someone else asked her when they told her to come in. She said “6:30 but I came a bit earlier” (30 minutes earlier!). And the woman who came the last authoritatively told us that it is only the very old students of Guruji goes by registration (or privileged in some manner I guess) and the others go in according to when they arrive that morning. As soon as she said this, they called her in even though she was last to arrive! I loved that, it was so good! It is also amazing how they feel what is going on out there, in the waiting area. Sharat suddenly began picking people instead of shouting one more. So, I was called in a bit after. I was put right in the front, in between two people who were practicing intermediate. The girl on my left, I have practiced with her side by side on one Sunday at Hamish’s. After she finished, Hamish came in her spot! It was very inspiring to be practicing in between all these people who had great practice. They let me do my practice again without any intervention. At the end, Sharat came to help me with backdrops. I said I can drop back but cannot come up, he said “you come up first then you drop back”. He made me do three going back and forths and one drop back.
After breakfast I went into town, to get myself gold earrings! I first went to the shop I was recommended but I found nothing there that was like what I wanted. So, I went into the smaller shop which was next to it and there I found the perfect gold round earrings with dangling stones! I bought them and came back. On my way to home, I stopped by Kumar’s house just to see if I can make an appointment with him (he is super busy). He was at home luckily. I told him that I would like to have a massage from him and also that I am considering to take his next massage class. First, he said that if I am still here in December, I can take it but then he said that he will begin this super intensive massage course with another person. It is 7 hours a day for 14 days. He said that is why he is so busy and how he will not be able to give any massages during that time. But that sounded perfect because I want to take massage course and he said you get so many massages when you are doing the course. I am so excited and I will definitely take it. One other thing which makes me so sure that I want to take Kumar’s course is that there was a big Osho picture in his house and there were Osho sayings written around. When I told him that I am from Turkey, he said this other person who would lead the class with him goes to Turkey a lot and I might know him. I told him that my sister might know him since she works in Osho center and goes to Puna every year, and she will be there in January and me too (hopefully!). Then he said that he will go to Puna in January also! He also told me that he does Osho meditation everyday and I should stop by! I am very excited because I feel like this is the other thing I should definitely do here and him being an Osho devotee is also very comforting and would make sister so happy!! Cannot wait to let her know!

Moving forward

This was meant to be published yesterday but blogger is not cooperating in these days. Mercury retro does it I guess...
Sunday OCT 29th
Today was led primary at 5am. I woke up pretty early and I am staying so close to the shala but I was late! Well, I thought if I would be there too early no one would be there, but that was wrong, everyone gets there early to get a spot and especially on Sunday mornings because there is only one primary led class on Sundays and so many who comes to that one. Anyways, I managed to squeeze myself into some corner and managed to do the practice somehow from that corner! I learned my lesson though!
Practice was good, very good. Sharat led it and I like his pace. While leaving I asked him 6:30 tomorrow morning, right? He said “you came at 6”! That made me happy because last Thursday, he was already gone for his own class in the middle of my practice. So, now I might get some guidance… even if I do not, it seems like just practicing here seems to be making lots of difference in my practice. For example, I tend to have hard time with left side when binding for Ardha Baddha Padmottanasana but today Sharat was walking around me so I said to myself “okay just catch it and lean forward… don’t think much.” I guess sometimes fear can make you do somethings that you think you cannot do…
Other than practice, it seems like I making friends. I enjoy Christine’s company who also stayed at Shakti house for a day when she first came in. We had breakfast at Shakti house with this American couple who also just arrived…
For the rest of the day, I don’t have any plans. I will see what comes up.

Running around...

Today was supposed to be a rest day but I have been running around. Woke up before 8am, went to Tina’s for breakfast since they had no breakfast at Shakti house. It was very good food, I had high protein porridge and it was really high protein! I met a nice Italian girl there and told her about my housing situation, my reservations about staying without being able to cook. She had a friend who will need a roommate in November so she took me there. Her friend was also very nice, she told me that I can stay in their living room for couple of days if I need to. Then on my way back to Shakti, I saw this other girl whom I met during my first day at dinner. She also told me that there is this place where her friends lives ad there they might have an opening soon. So, she took me over there since it was only five minutes away. I guess it is the rule that you say what you need then you get help, I was worrying so much last night and when it is all in your head, problems get bigger than they really are. Everyone knows something or someone and they are willing to help you. Anyways, her friend was also very nice and actually she turned out to be Eric’s student when he was teaching in the States. The room in that house is going to be available tomorrow, I saw it, it is okay, but I guess the previous place I saw was nicer. Then I went to talk to Shiva. Told him that I need a place where I can cook. He said there might me this flat available after October 3rd. He told me that I have already paid Gita some money so I better spent a week in her house and see if I find something better. He also told me to go and get a contact number (which means go get a SIM card for my phone) so he can contact me when there are flats, rooms that he can show me. I ran to a phone shop, but they needed a copy of my id so ran across the street to do that (the rickshaw, scooter/motorbike frenzy is making me dizzy, takes long time to cross the streets), then back to the shop and it took a while for me to figure out what I was getting, why it did not have a pin number (it just does not have that is what I figured) and what I was paying for in terms of minutes, how to make international calls (conclusion is just don’t, let them call you!), I guess I drove the guy crazy with all the questions... not to forget, they want a photo of yours as well! I also got an adaptor for my charger. Then I went to Gita to tell her that I will stay for a week. She is so nice! She said that she cooks for yoga students and her food is not so spicy but she was very understanding. Therefore, I will spend a week there. Her house has a very good energy though, it feels so right for some reason but I need to be able to do some simple cooking… When I was moving in, she had some yogis for lunch. She asked me if I want to try her food but I declined because I just did not want to interfere with these people’s lunch since they made a reservation for this special, intimate lunch beforehand…
I will see what comes across… Tomorrow is led practice at 5am! Cannot wait.

Mysore begins!

So I made it to Mysore. It was a tiring journey. My plane from Istanbul landed at 3:30 am to Bombay and then I had to wait for 6 hours for my other flight to Bangalore. When I arrived to Bangalore, the driver Shiva sent was there, thanks god. On the way to Mysore, even though I tried to keep my head up and have my first glimpses of India, my head kept falling like a junkie’s… I thought that when I arrive to Mysore, I will sleep all day but once I was there, I was all awake. I even managed to register with a bit of goofiness on my part because I did not have enough money when paying Guruji! Well, he was nice, so I went back to the ATM machine and got more money and I was set.
Yesterday was my first practice. They called me to come at 6:30am. I was really nervous that I would do something silly, fall onto someone or something. Guruji was not around much and later in the middle of my practice Sharat left, I guess to lead his own classes. Saraswati helped me with coming up from backdrops! She is so strong, I have never been pulled up that strongly before. SO I did the whole primary without being stopped, but I am not sure if that will be the case for the rest of my stay. Today was a led class. Sharat told us to come at 6am but we waited outside for a good half an hour. Then we were led by Guruji and he is FAST!
Other than all this, yesterday I went to the city, to this store recommended by Shakti house and got a yoga rug for 280 rupees! Today, I went to Ashok bookstore in the city with C who just arrived this morning around 4am, she is also staying at the Shakti temporarily… kind of made a friend I guess… Ohh also, I found a place, a room in an Indian ladies house, she is renting out her rooms to female yoga students. I am suppose to move in tomorrow but now I have doubts because I will not be able to cook!
How do I feel? I kind of want to be invisible some of the times. It fells awkward. I guess part of me developed an anthropologist eventually after this one year program at LSE . I feel responsible, feel like intruding in local people’s lives. But then I am aware that they make their lives on yoga students…
Still searching for the truth, but it seems nowhere close yet…

The big day!

Yes, I am off to Mysore this evening! I am so excited! And this morning, after so many weeks, I had a rocking practice! I woke up at 5:30 am, it was great, I have been having hard time waking up since I have been here in Istanbul, and I was worrying how I will mange in Mysore, I guess I will need be at the Shala around 5 am, right? I believe this is related to the wonderful Skype talk I had with Cary! Now I understand how important it is to have a good teacher, even talking to her over the internet can influence my practice for the better, think how it can help when I study with a good teacher! It was great to talk to her before I leave for Mysore.
I know it will be great! And as Cary said, I am so lucky to be going to Mysore in my first year of practice. I don’t care at all what others thing here about Mysore, I know I will benefit a lot, my practice will benefit a lot externally and internally! And about all that bandha talk, as I assumed, Cary told me that it is not so realistic to expect someone to get bandhas right in their first year of practice and she said you learn it almost intuitively as you practice, suddenly it clicks. Anyways, I should stop worrying about all this talk in Istanbul, criticism of Mysore etc… I am beginning a great journey! I will for sure have much more interesting stuff to write about when I am in Mysore!

Lazy me

I am not lazy with my practice, I am lazy with my writing. I have been reading; I read a book, I read the papers, I read other people’s blogs, I comment on other people blogs but I am not writing my own blog… Well, sister is back from Israel so it will be more fun to hang out in her house, without her super bored cats attacking me to feed them or pet them or release them from the house. Now I can spend more time there and use my beloved imac.
Last week, there was only one led ashtanga class, I was planning to go to Saturday open class too but then I thought it would be just fair to give my body a rest after no rest for almost two weeks. Also, I began realizing that there are things I need to do before I take off to Mysore such as ordering more contact lenses of which I have non left etc… I was actually considering getting laser surgery to get rid of glasses and contact lenses but I am going back to my no way stance, it is just a inner voice which does not approve of it…
Anyways, last Wednesday’s class was good and before class I got to talk to Eric for a while. He is negative of Mysore which is no news by now. He told me that I might need to take joint supplements since my knee had been bothering me a bit and since it is known that they are not so gentle on knees in Mysore… He also said it might be my mind playing games with me before I leave… I don’t know about how they are over there, I just want to go and see for myself. I don’t like to take people’s words for everything especially when there are so many controversial opinions about something… I just feel like I will be all right there and I really need it. And about my mind playing games, well that might be true, I am a bit nervous, keep thinking at what asana they will stop me and all that… but I am being gentle with knees, I know they like to go on their own pace.

Moon day practice!

I have been silent for a while, well maybe a bit lazy… also I keep my laptop in my sister’s apartment since she has a wireless internet connection, so if I don’t spend so much time over there, then I lag behind my writing…
In between my last blog and now, I committed a violation. I went to a class on Saturday, which was also the moon day. It was Eric’s class but not an ashtanga class, it was an “open” class. So, we did lots of balancing which was a bit dreadful but very beneficial for me since my balance is not so good. I guess I will go this coming Saturday as well, especially because we have only one ashtanga led class this week because of some schedule adjustment for a visiting Kundalini yoga teacher. But then starting next week, we will have three led ashtanga classes! Then I am off to India (hopefully)! I am still waiting for self-practice classes, maybe they will be in schedule when I come back from Mysore.
Okay, nothing so interesting going on. Still trying to come up form my backdrops but it does not feel likely any time soon… I guess I will feel lots going on when I get to Mysore, so I will be more interesting to read. Also, what can I say when I am practicing by myself most of the time. Ohh one thing is my right knee. It suddenly began hurting yesterday, on the inner side, it is a weird pain, like burning… it is not too much but it got me worried a bit, I want to be injury free when I get to Mysore.
And my achy tooth, it is getting better. I guess I will be fine before my trip!
One last thing I have to add is I love The Flaming Lips!

Not a threat

This week’s led practices at the shala were actually fine. I think I am getting used to the environment and the environment is getting use to my presence. Monday evening Eric decided to do second series! Of course we did not do the whole second, but the asanas we did were okay… I am still finding it unconventional but this is how my journey is shaping, so I should go with the flow as long as it is not something so unacceptable. Yesterday evening was fun too. First of all, as usual I got to the shala half on hour before the class. However, this time I could not go to the room to sit in meditation because Eric was giving a private lesson, so I had to sit with my favorite character in class, that woman who had been distressing me. I guess this is universe’s way of straightening our attitudes. So, we had to communicate for about a half an hour, well of course we did not have to but we did. I told her about my trip to Mysore, we talked about being vegetarian, becoming a teacher, how evening classes are a bit of a drag… I guess she is actually harmless. She has some insecurities and that is why she was the way she was to me in the beginning. But I think she realized that I am not a threat and I am just there to do my practice… I actually think that we might even have some of the same insecurities but the way they come out from two different persons is also different… I usually become self depreciating… Anyways, enough of analyzing…
I keep in touch with my yoga friends in London. I miss them so much. I miss morning Mysore classes. Actually, last night Eric wanted to do a Mysore class but people were too afraid of not being led and, so they objected. I think they are not aware that they will do fine, no need to be a pro. I guess that is how everyone feels in the beginning, I did not think I could do self practice classes until I took Tony’s introduction to ashtanga yoga workshop… and then it took a month for me to actually go to Mysore classes but that was because I thought I would not be able to wake up at 6am in the morning. Now I miss waking up early and going to shala to practice with everyone else. I also wake up early to do my own self-practice at home but for some reason, I don’t feel quite awake, like I did when I practiced in the studio with everyone else. Ohh I miss Cary very much as well. I keep in touch with her too, and we will see each other in Mysore, we will have a whole month to spend together!
The latest update on the tooth ache is that it is getting better, less achy but at night it gets worse… will see my dentist today. On Monday, I cried in the dentist chair ☹ I had so many troubles with my teeth, dental surgeries and all, now I freak out and also it was hurting and he kept asking all these questions… Hopefully it will be over before my trip.

Root Canal

I am having a root canal done to one of my teeth. Yesterday, my dentist cleaned the canals but at night my tooth began aching. Still I went out with my sister who had really wanted to get me out. But I did not survive for long. It had been a while since I have been in Istanbul nightlife scene, but it seems like I have grown out of it. It was so smoky I thought I was going to suffocate. Not drinking actually felt good, I was myself which is really much better than drunk me. I stayed a bit and then after having few people’s drinks spill over me, I head home for the sake of my lungs. Today my tooth is still achy : (, if I forget and chew anything on it, it makes me teary. I will go to my dentist on Monday. I hope he can fix it.
The good news is I have my ticket to Mysore for October 24th, and I already reserved a room at Shakti for my first three nights in Mysore! When I am there, I will try to find a cheaper accommodation for the rest of my stay!

Second series try out?

Last night was my third time with Eric’s led class. This time I took care of hiding back at the corner, just concentrating on my practice. As I write this, it feels funny because I am writing about my yoga practice, it is one of the few things during the day that I should not be concerned about such stuff, being visible or invisible, concentrating on what I am doing or not… Anyways, I guess going to shala with this frame of mind, being determined to do only my practice and not be concerned about anything else worked. I know this will make ma a bit unsocial but I am open to any friendly person so if someone approaches me warmly, I will respond with the same way. However, at the moment, there will be no effort on my part to socialize. Also, I am leaving in less than a month for three months, so it should be okay.
Last night’s practice was fun but I guess unconventional because Eric threw in second series after Navasana. This was my first time ever trying anything in second series. I was very unsuccessful with Pasasana, but I did fine with others, especially Ustrasana , Vajrasana , Laghu Vajrasana , Kapotasana Vinyasa in were very good before back drops, they opened up my back really well, and also I felt like they might be very helpful in getting my back stronger, which I need for getting back up from my back drops. Yes, still working on trying to come up after dropping back. In London, Charlie told me that my lower back does all the work in my back drops but one part of the body is not enough to bring up my whole body afterwards… That made sense and felt right since my lower back was aching a bit lately… Eric also things I need to get my upper back stronger… so work on that… how? Well, as Charlie suggested, holding my back bends longer. I would like to be able to come up before heading to Mysore. But if it does not happen, it is not a big deal, it just means I am not ready yet, so I will work on it until it happens, and it will at some point, I know ☺ because so many things which seemed like never going to work began working… sometimes I have hard time believing, so this will also happen when it is time…
Ohhh, yes I am in a much better mood. Also, Sri K. Pattabhi Jois was in my dream last night. I don’t remember the dream much at all, but it should be nice. I am picking up my ticket this afternoon! So excited.
These night classes are a bit tiring, especially my morning practice afterwards… Well, they might help me get stronger, back-to-back practice…

Few more thoughts

Few more notes on my break down last nite. Afterwards I talked to my sister on the phone. She told me that I should not take everyone so seriously and also I should not restrain myself because of other people as long as I do not harm anyone. She told me that woman is also mirroring somethings to me, and letting me go through a process. I guess she has a point. I see how insecure, how unprepared I am for the real world. I have been in a very welcoming environment in London but I cannot find the same circumstances everywhere. Also, maybe she was mirroring some of the things I hold within me but too disturbed with, so when I face them I get really bothered. What are they? I might be too discriminative against people whom I don’t know, maybe I am also arrogant some of the times… So, the thing is to change myself first, then she will not be able to bother me. I believe my sister will become a very good therapist because she is already a good one. After talking to her I was much calmer and had a good night’s sleep.

Excessively Intuitive

I call myself excessively intuitive. I went to my second led ashtanga class in Istanbul. I guess I was in a bad mood to begin with and then I even felt more hopeless when I began feeling that all is show off here… I just cannot bare pretentious people… I am weak, yes absolutely weak because I am giving into this b….s.… In the middle of practice tears began rolling down my cheeks. Then I continued my practice… But the real blow off came during backdrops. Eric was helping few of us with backdrops. At one point he said that if we feel like it we can give a little push to our neighbor at Paschimottanasana , and since I had helped with adjustments to Cary in London and I really like to do it and also I think that it is quite nice when someone gives you a little more push at Paschimottanasana after backdrops, I gave a little help to the woman in front of me. But then that teacher wanna be woman lift her head and gave me a look full off disdain and ridicule, which made feel really bad. I know I am being too sensitive. I should feel more confident, instead of insecure and under critical eyes of people. I knew what I was doing and on top of everything I did it because our teacher suggested it. But at the moment I felt horrible and until the end of the practice I could not stop my tears… While on my way home I kept thinking what I am going to do. I felt that one thing that made me get up in the morning, gave me a reason to go on and not be depressed is being taken away from me. But then I am being too excessively sensitive. I will have to learn how to face these kind of situations and people because they are inevitable. I will come across to these kind of people from time to time like everyone does. I have to toughen up.
The good news is I reserved my ticket for October 24th to Bombay and from Bombay to Bangalore. Tomorrow morning I am going to Indian consulate to apply for a Visa. I should be excited not in tears… uhhh I am so silly sometimes. It is all in my head, I can let people destroy me or I can choose to continue in my happy pace… I will try to work on the latter…
It was nice to have two days of with the full moon. Tomorrow morning will be tough after tonight’s class but it is ok, it is my self practice....

Ashtanga in Istanbul

I went to my first class last night, yes 7:30pm is night for me as someone who goes to bed around 9:30pm. It was really hot and I sweated loads. There were not so many people I guess partly because it was a week day and also people kind of find it difficult maybe (Eric was saying something about scaring people)… Eric is the teacher. So he did an almost full primary (skipped Setu Bandhasana for some reason but I did it anyways, I feel like I have to learn to behave in led classes that are modified!) It was okay, but he does everything maybe ten breaths, definitely not 5, and then I find his adjustments kind of weird which I will not go into… After class this hatha teacher, who also was in the class, told me that I had a good practice but then suddenly start telling me that I should be sitting on my sitting bones more properly because Eric says the other way is bad for your something… I was like whooaahh you were watching me during practice and you are telling me to correct myself? (of course not out loud) Okay, I got frustrated afterwards, I usually get frustrated after not at the moment… I was frustrated because even if I were doing something wrong it was not her place to tell me to correct it because our teacher was Eric, I believe he can tell me that. Then my own stupidity, of course I instead of saying thank you to her initial complement, mumbled something like “ohh I have been doing Mysore classes every morning, it is that” so trying to say everyone can do it if you do it every morning… I am so bad with receiving complements, anyways she made a U turn from her complement too quickly anyways… I also went on and said that there are people with really great practice who are on their second series among my yogi friends in London. This is funny because she said there is not much difference between first and second series so no big deal! Ha! Okay I am mean, mean person but I get irritated with shows offs and arrogance and ignorance on top of all. I just said “uhh they are kind of different, first series is mostly forward bends and second series is more of back bending asanas…” and she had to say himmm yes, but I guess she did not know the difference to begin with… So my struggle of not to be arrogant myself against people who will lack humbleness and will get into power struggle with someone like me who has no interest but just annoyance with such things…
Anyways, I have to concentrate on my won practice instead of being occupied with these kind of stuff. I am going to Mysore next months, yes it is kind of official. I will go to the travel agency tomorrow and then apply for my visa in the beginning of October (sister says to do it this way because they are stingy in giving visa time in Turkey for some reason). I am sooo excited.
One last thing; morning practice is very difficult following a night class!

No more a London blogger...

I am no more a London, UK blogger. I am an Istanbul blogger now on, at least until my trip to Mysore. I arrived at midnight. My sweet dad was at the airport to take me home. Mom was asleep when we got home but woke up quickly… I took a shower and jumped into the bed. I was up this morning before 7am, not so bad considering the time difference. Istanbul is 2 hours ahead, so I technically woke up before 5 am. Today I am planning to go to ashtanga led class at the yoga studio, (Yoga Sala) I used to go before moving to London, so I did not practice this morning. I don’t know how this evening class will be for me, it is at 7:30pm; at least it could be at 6:30 like Yoga Place evening classes. I guess they make (well I know it pretty well) people work much longer hours in Turkey… I don’t even want to begin thinking about that. No, first taking care of myself, resting and traveling, going to Mysore, no one is behind me chasing. I need to relax…. And not getting myself in any situation which will become dreading…
Now back with parents again. We will see how it will all go. They think I lost too much weight; next they will begin complaining about my practice? Well, I have to stand up for myself without getting furious; temper doesn’t help much does it? I should know better now. On the other hand, it was very nice to hug them last night. It is very comforting to know that they are always there, very welcoming, warm… I am grateful for having them.
Yesterday I did my last practice at Yoga Place. It was nice. My friends gave me a card which I was suppose to read in the plane but couldn’t because BA people snatched my backpack at the airport. I hardly rescued my laptop, passport and wallet and they handed in one of those bags one usually sees in huge sizes, often used by Eastern Europeans for carrying huge amounts of textile goods from Turkey to their country, but this was in laptop size, very fashionable. Well I might use it for my own daily purposes; it is kind of cute in that size… Anyways… I read the card when I arrived home; it was very nice... I hope to see them all, it was very pleasant to practice with them every morning, and I will miss that very much. On the other hand, before leaving London I managed to write and mail my letter to Guruji, so to initiate my trip to Mysore already. It will be all good… So, begins a new chapter…

Last day in London

Last day in London. I thought I was going to spoil myself today. Going to Covent Garden, having vegan ice ream at Neal’s Yard and coffee from Monmouth Coffee shop… Instead, it turned out to be hectic after practice. I kept running between the bank and this place from which I was suppose to receive a refund. First, I closed my bank account, not realizing that the refund did not come through yet, hen it had to be not closed so I could get my refund back when it comes through… This person and I could not figure out what would be the cheapest way to get my money and then close my account when I am in Turkey, both wire transfers and checks costs $. But then I figured out on my way back that it is the ATM! So, I had to run back because they took my card away in the bank. At the time when I arrived they have already destroyed it. But they reordered it since my account is not closed. In the beginning, I was getting frustrated but then I realized that this might be a sign from the universe! Maybe this account is not meant to be closed (yeah kind of so I can get my refund…) maybe I will be back in London, or maybe it has nothing to do with anything. But it made me feel less anxious, so this is what counts.
Ohh, I enjoyed London a lot. It was both very difficult and very enjoyable, refreshing. School and certain individuals wore me down but then a new world opened up for me with ashtanga, so I survived all that rubbish. Summer is ending or is already over. It is getting dark before 8 pm and it is still dark when I am walking to Yoga Place in the morning. Change is inevitable so I am off tomorrow afternoon. I will do my last practice (for now) with my yoga friends and the new teacher tomorrow morning… I wish C were here so I could hug her goodbye tomorrow. But we already hugged, and it was not a hug goodbye because we will get together again, I know…

To blur or not to blur?

Is it okay to practice with my contact lenses on or not? Cary told me that Guruji does not want people to wear glasses or contacts, accordingly she advised me to not wear my contacts. I tried few times but I think I don’t like the blur much, especially when dropping back. It gets kind of scary when I cannot clearly see where I am going. Okay I know I am going backwards but still not being able to see it clearly is not comfortable. I asked the new teacher about this in the morning but he response was not tied to any principle. He said he could not tell since he is not wearing contacts but is should be all right since people wear it while doing sports…
Well, if someone knows more about this issue, please share your knowledge with me.

Warming up...

The new teacher is actually a good teacher. He does not adjust much at all but he gives good explanations of asanas for which people need adjustments. I guess that kind of makes sense and is helpful; sometimes you don’t understand what you do wrong when a teacher comes and adjust you in a way that shifts your body significantly. So, he gave me few good pointers with couple of asanas and then with the backdrops, after my three dropping back and descending to the floor he came and helped me with 4 more backdrops and asked me why I am not coming up. My response was that I cannot pull myself up. He said we will work on that tomorrow. Today after my three backdrops he came over and said that my energy dies after I drop back and instead it should still be flowing and pushing me back up. Accordingly, I dropped back and he pushed me back and pulled me up to help me get the feel. Yes, it makes sense, I need that push to come up but I guess it will take some time for me to get that momentum. Well, I practice everyday so it will happen at one point; I thought I would never pass my fear and drop back but now I am dropping back quite nicely, so it comes when I am ready. The only thing is that I am leaving next Tuesday  and I am not sure how it will be in Istanbul. At Yoga Sala they have Eric who actually the first teacher from whom I began learning ashtanga but they have no Mysore classes! Maybe I can convince him to begin Mysore classes since he is also managing the studio… If not I am planning on my trip to Mysore anyway… so I will have to survive with home self practices for a while… But I will miss my friends here at Yoga Place.

First day with the new teacher

I am not assisting anymore, so I was at Yoga Place
after 6:30 am this morning. It was packed as it has been recently. Maybe curiosity about the new teacher also drew people who have not been showing up lately… Well, he definitely has a different approach than both C and Tony, who were very similar in their teaching. I got no adjustments, help, suggestions, guidance what so ever today. Even with the backdrops. After my prep back bends I got up and began my daily routine of going back and coming forth with great success of not dropping back after going so far… At one point he yelled at my direction while helping someone else “did you drop back and come up three times?” I said nope and he said, “then today only urdhva dhanurasana, tomorrow we will do them together.” But I did not give up and dropped back by myself for the first time without anyone standing in front of me, having their fingers on my waist or pushing me back or being present just to give me courage. I did it three times but no coming up, still did not figure out that one. In a way, his aloofness made me pass my fear. I struggled few minutes with fear and tension building in me but then I did not want to sit back on my mat without dropping back, especially since I knew I could do it.
Maybe he will show some interest in teaching me how to come up tomorrow…

Halfway on my special journey...

My impersonal horoscope says “You're at the halfway point on a very special journey today, but you're in for a surprise.” Kind of makes sense I guess, well I have no idea what might be the surprise. Today was my last day with Cary, I mean at least my last day of being her student. I woke up at 3:15 am and did not even consider going back to sleep. I was at Yoga Place around 5am and began my practice at 5:10 am. Before 6am the bell rang I thought C came early but it was some other people whom I could not recognize because I did not have my contact lenses so everything was blurry. Someone peeked into the room and said something so I got up from my mat went near him since I had no idea who this person was and what he was saying. I said “hi I am Ahu and held my hand out (what was I thinking? okay I was thinking this is the new teacher and I was introducing myself) but he just said ohh no, I am looking for C. Well that was weird, do you say “ohh no” when someone introduces themselves to you??? Ohh well I cannot care less… I am leaving soon. Then C came finally after I had to buzz in some other people, still could not tell whom they were. I was finished with my practice pretty early. C thanked for the Vegan cake I baked for her while helping with my backdrops. First, I did not understand what she was thanking for, I came so early and with all these new people and all, I forgot that I brought her a cake… Anyways, then I helped with adjustments. At some point we called C to the changing room and gave her a present and a card. She got so happy!
I will miss her very much, too much. I am kind of blocking all the anxiety I might have from this separation. At laest, I did not break down and made a fool of myself this morning because I did that on Monday when no one recognized. Monday, it just downed on me at the end of my practice, I got up from shavasana in tears, sobbed a bit in the changing room and that was it... But now I feel reassured, for some reason, that I will see her soon, in few months. Until I see her, I have to figure out how to get up from backdrops, dropping is getting easier…
I thank for my luck, I thank for meeting such a great person, having her as my teacher and my friend.
Now, I have to keep reminding myself that every ending leads to a new beginning. Or as my horoscope suggests that I arrived halfway on this very special journey….

Strained neck...

Strained my neck Monday night while sleeping. I don’t know what is up with it… Maybe it is because C is leaving and this is the way my body reacts. It suddenly downed on me that she is going and then I am leaving as well. She will be back but it does not change anything for me because I will be gone… Hopefully I will see her in Mysore this winter. For the moment, practice is a bit painful with strained neck until I warm up.
My friend Mark is staying with me until Sunday. So, I managed to drag him to the morning class. He was a yoga virgin but not anymore…
Other than that I am a free women since I handed in three copies of my dissertation to the department. This is it, nothing more I can do about it. It will be fine though; I worked on it hard.
Other than that, I guess I am getting use to my backdrops, less fear and shaky legs…
Then, new teacher is coming on Friday. C will talk with him about me helping with adjustments. I am a bit nervous, I hope he is a pleasant person. He should be, right? He is a yoga teacher.

Released the Creature!

I was in the library around 10:30 am and did not leave until 4:30pm. I read, reread on paper, on the screen, edited, added, and changed stuff. I shoveled my homemade poor salad in front of the computer without getting caught to guards in between reading and writing... I did not ventured into cyberspace as I usually do, remained focused until I felt like I was going to puke from working on this dissertation thing. At last, I said let me print it and walk away. So, I printed 3 copies as required by the department. It is 33 pages including abstract and references, 1.5 space. Yes, finally I released the creature. I felt very drained after I stepped out of the library and began walking. As if I gave something out of myself… hopefully nothing I will need again.

Suppose to pull not push

I am overwhelmed with this dissertation at the moment. My shoulders incredibly achy and my eyes are tired and I get a headache every night… Yes, I am complaining, I want it to be over already!
Practice is good at least. So, yesterday with the backdrop, C had to push me because still I am my scared self and I was just hanging there bend backwards, in the air. She end up giving me a little push, so I would actually drop back and then when I got up she said in a amused way “I am suppose to pull not push people from backdrops” Yes, things tend to work other way around with me. And today it was even funnier. With the first one, which usually tends to be more difficult than following ones, she was pushing I was fighting back to come up! I don’t know how I am doing it, I guess it means soon I will achieve to come up as well. So then she gave me a harder push and I landed on my forehead, but not so hard, my hands were there as well. But the last one was my own, no holding or pushing. Well, my legs were shaking at the end of all this. I am scared and I am also scared that I will not be able to pass beyond this fear. I guess it is also about letting go. At the end of that last bit I cannot let go, I am so close, all I have to do is let go and I will be on my hands…
Anyways, I kind of promised myself to do more work on dissertation (at this point it feels like I am talking about a creature…) Even though my eyes are already itching, for the sake of keeping my promise…

With the first day of 29 comes my first back drop!

Yes, so I turn 29 on the 29th! This is my last year in 20s zone… I don’t mind 29 but now I feel like I should be more grown up when I turn 30. I come on, I will enter a new decade! Am I prepared for it? I am not old enough for 30s zone yet, am I going to be able to catch up within a year??? Uhh, well I will just go with the flow, who knows, maybe I will catch up…
So, this morning I kept dreaming that I was finishing my dissertation and also I was doing back drops, yes two priorities in my life! Then, I woke up before 5 am, half an hour after my solar return… And then went to Yoga Place , began my practice quite early… So, at the end, began back bends and then got up, did my little going back and coming forth and then C came to help me, so after 2 drop backs she asked me if I want to try by myself. I guess I looked all worried, she said you can say “No” but I said I really want to… and then I go and did it! Then only thing is C was in front of me and head two fingers touching my waist, yes just the feeling of her fingers, not holding but that gives so much confidence! Still, my legs were shaking when I came up! C said, one more time, and I go but came back before dropping and she said “I am here, common”, and I did it again. It is just letting myself drop after a point, but that is the scary part, right? Well, I did give myself a nice present! The trick is to continue doing them until I am confident to do them without C standing in front of me. Yes, C was saying the other week, one time before I go , only one time. And, yes, it was also one of the thing I really wanted to do before she left… Finally I am there I guess.
So, first back drop on my 29th birthday! Does this mean it will be a heart opening year for me?! I expect some kind of transformation this year, well I guess I do because it has already began.

Does this make me a junkie?

I broke my French press minutes ago and I wasn’t even having coffee! Today was my cleanse day so no coffee which is unbearable by itself and then breaking my French-press! It was next to the sink and I was trying to grab a bowl above the sink. I drop the bowl while trying to catch it, I heard something drop and break. When I looked down it was my French press. I cannot imagine how I looked, but as soon as I realized I broke my French-press, I was on the floor with agony staring at my beloved, now in pieces, French press! Well, I think all this happened because of my envy of Beth’s new stovetop espresso maker! Yes, they broke their French-press as well and got this new stop-top espresso maker. Beth says this device makes the best coffee ever and I heard this fact before as well, so I believe her. So, since she had been talking about the best coffee ever, I have been envious but then I thought I will move soon so I should not collect more stuff… But now what to do? Is this a good excuse to buy one of those babies? No, it is not meant for me to quit coffee! Yes, it shall be time for the stovetop espresso!
Well, this is my only addiction… hope it does not make me less of an ashtangi…

Thanks for my life

I feel like I am writing my blog more than I am writing my dissertation. Okay, not quite, I already hit 9 thousand words (suppose to be no more than 10 thousand) in my dissertation but what if it is all crap and then, I am much more eager to write my blog… Now I am in the stage of processing all I have written… like making connections between bits that seems awkward when combined in a chapter. Still, I feel like so much more I need to put in, but where? I only have 1000 more words to left, if I exceed, they panalize… then all this seems so irrelevant. Today I spent the whole morning searching for one sentences that got stuck into my mind in all these books and articles I have read… I only began concentrating after 2:30 pm. Then I had to peek at one of the Turkish newspapers on line and it had very sad, disturbing story about a young woman. I got so sad about it. Her employer tortured her for a month because she was dating guys and going out too much. It is horrible what he had done to her and also her family apparently helped him in this process! After reading about it I began questioning what is the point of this life; she is suffering there and my concern is to write this dissertation which is just fake given that it is anthropology, and it is suppose to be based on your fieldwork but we are writing it based on library material and then my other concern is practicing ashtanga and to make sure I can practice ashtanga forever… All these seemed so self-indulgent suddenly… really how is this world constructed? Who decides who will get what? I guess this all relates to Tiff’s recent posts…
Okay, I should at least end this blog in a positive tone. My teacher asked me to help her with adjustments twice a week this month, so one more day, which makes sense if I will learn how to adjust. So, twice a week, I go to studio before anyone else, before 6 in the morning, to finish my practice by 7:30 and then I help with adjustment for an hour… Yes I enjoy it very much. And one more time I am reminded to appreciate all I have instead of worrying over stupid things!
I thank for my life, not quite sure to whom but I do...

Sunday practice

I went to Hamish’s for the first time today. I thought instead of doing my Sunday practice at home (which is usually sluggish) if I give myself such a present, it might motivate me to do some work on my dissertation on Sunday as well… uhh I just desperately want to finish writing… I know I should enjoy it, I should be excited about it. Yes, yes, yes I am trying to be all that.
Anyways… what did I think about Hamish’s? Well, he was not teaching today… so cannot comment on him. But the studio was much smaller, well maybe not smaller but the way space is like practicing in someone’s living room, it is not open space like we have at Yoga Place , but it was okey, and still better than practicing in my own living room which is full of things distracting me. Also, I was afraid that I would be intimidated with all the advanced practitioners but I guess there weren’t many of them and also I realize that I don’t look at other people much when I am practicing. So, I am usually not aware of what is going on around me, unless I have to stop and wait for help with my backdrops… Yes it was a nice Sunday practice. On the other hand, one thing I realized is how much having C as my teacher matters. It makes such a big difference, so motivating and touching me within in a positive way. Of course this is the first time I have done self-practice elsewhere and as they get to know you, it might become more welcoming and warm. But then, I also realized that it is time for me to be able to focus on my practice on my own, no matter who is teaching… Especially since C will leave in few weeks and then I will leave afterwards. I am concerned about how it will be after I leave, but I realize that I have to keep my motivation going and also have to be prepared for many self practices in my sister’s or parent’s living room. And hopefully after a short while I will get to Mysore (universe, please help with that)!
Okey, now I have to go back to writing my dissertation since I have gotten my motivational present.

Dreams and subconscious

Saw Bob Dylan in my dream, so splurged on some Bob Dylan music immediately since I am suppose to pay attention to my dreams. Anyways, it is always a treat to have more of his music and guess what, his next new album, Modern Times , comes out on my birthday! So I pre-ordered that as well, thanks Dylan for the birthday gift!
On the other hand, subconscious coming to surface. My left thigh pinches, hurts, not getting better, makes me wanna cry… I feel more sensitive than usual (as if I weren’t enough) and easily irritated. All the planets are cramped in the twelfth house of my chart, that might be the reason as Penny says.
Then I am caught writing blogs... A friend from yoga found out that I am writing.

Do I need to justify my practice?

Why do I care so much… but then I guess it is even more difficult to let go when your sister talks about how other people bad mouth ashtanga. I feel like she does not trust me and constantly have to tell me what this and that yoga teacher in Istanbul thinks about ashtanga… Today she wrote an email telling me that she told this one teacher that I used to know about my plans to go to Mysore to practice with Guruji. So, this teacher tells my sister that it is very crowded there in the shala (yes we all know that!) and that they don’t teach you much… so there is this other teacher called Ve…( I cannot remember) and he is very good and I should consider maybe? And plus this teacher my sister talked to hates ashtanga because she injured herself so much while practicing it… and my dear sister warns me to not hurt myself…
Well, we know it is crowded in Mysore but isn’t that one of the enhancing factors about it; the energy should be multiplying. Also, yes, I am aware that with the crowd and everything, less help each students gets, but I am fine with that since some of the days I only get one or two adjustments here as well, and help with backdrops and also it is practice, practice, practice... I was telling my sister afterwards on the phone that there is also the spiritual side not just pushing yourself through asanas and injuring yourself and her response was that probably people find ashtanga less spiritual since it is so difficult and fast… Well, for me going to Mysore will be like pilgrimage as Medic says, and paying my respect to Guruji. I also believe that practicing there will make a difference, I don’t know maybe because of practicing with all these people from all over the world, or maybe because I will have more inner strength or because I will be only focusing on my practice… I just wish that I will make it there and I also wish to practice as long as my body allows…

Stage fright or what???

So, yesterday my backdrops were almost there. C did not hold me much, I am thinking intentionally since Tuesday she said “you are just this much (I cannot make the hand gesture) away from it” And yes I drop a bit faster on my hands by myself but less faster than previous let goes she did… so almost there but I am not sure if I can say the same thing about coming up, feels like that will take longer. Still not sure which part of the body needs to be stronger, legs or the back, to come up. I guess both.
Then this morning we had the usual talk through. I have been doing my headstands free floating for sometime but not during the Friday’s led classes since I did not want to disturb people with my occasional falling and rolling. But this week I have been doing much better, did not fall much, and stayed up much longer. So, I decided that I should avoid the wall now on, but then I stayed up much less this morning than I have been during self-practices (eventhough still everyone is there during self practice, I guess everyone doing their own thing feels more casual)... Now I am wandering is it stage fright or too much of self-consciousness… well, they are kind of the same thing, right? But then as if anyone is watching me! no, people don’t watch each other during practice. Well… yes, since whenever someone achieves to do a backdrop or some sort of other difficult asana, people usually say good job after the practice… but still, no, we are not watching each other. Okey, I think the real reason is the way I classify asanas in my mind, there are kind of asanas that without even trying them I can tell it will be no problem to do, the ones that require flexibility of arms, shoulders and then there are ones that are scary or requires much more strength then I have at the moment. The scary asanas are ones like head or handstands where I would see the world upside down and would not really be able to tell what my body is like, too much to the front or too much to do back, am I falling???? Well, I guess I am starting have a sense of what my body is doing during headstands, at least I can tell my body is crocked to the left, but could not manage to straighten that crookedness yet. And then the backdrops, they were scary the first time and still scary to do by myself. I was bending backwards the other day while waiting for Cary to come and help me. When she came, she asked “did you realize it is just because you are scared that you cannot do them yourself?” but I said I did not think that I was scared but thought that I seem to loose my balance with those long arms hanging backwards…
Anyways, I am doing another cleanse this weekend. I seem to lost taste in food. I don’t enjoy much, or when I eat, I feel so full! What is my problem? Well maybe my stomach is a bit more sensitive than usual. Maybe it is because I am unconsciously stressed form this dissertation writing process. But it is coming along fine; at least that is what I think.

Does yoga make you a super human being???

We had our second picnic last night… It seemed like a failure in the beginning but then it got better with more people showing up. This time there were some disappointing comments from few about yoga and I could not stop thinking about these. I also had a conversation with one of my yogi fellows who kind of questioned my devotion to yoga and asked me whether I was overemphasizing the change yoga brought into my life. Also, he could not understand how I perceived yoga as not only physical but also spiritual development… Well, to begin with my one to one conversation with my friend, I think I have valid reasons to believe that yoga helped me in my life. I just remembered this morning how skeptical, even to the point “ohh yeah right, good catch”, when during ashtanga workshop for beginners, my first Mysore style teacher, Tony, told us that more you practice yoga, more clarity you will have and that it will become easier to make decisions about things which can be troubling… Then, I just started coming to practice with the only desire of moving and stretching, but at some point I began talking about life in terms of yoga and that is when I realized yoga was becoming more than my daily exercise regimen. It just helped me to be not so disappointed with life’s set backs because they are all transitory just as a sluggish practice I might have one morning or one week and there are deteriorations sometimes just to have a break through afterwards to move forward… Also, as someone with previous body image issues, I just started appreciating the fact these legs and arms of mine could do all these asanas rather than focusing on how big my ties are or how much cellulite I got on them and how horrible that was (yes that vain) and I realized this before the many positive changes which were about to happen in my body and which I did not know about. This is some of what I feel and think about my practice and also I respect everyone’s own special reason for coming to yoga and do not imagine questioning it. However, there were some people last night who suddenly began making fun of taking practice seriously, and comments such as “ Yoga does not make you super human!” began going around. I just could not understand why was this sudden implicit attack on some of us who were obviously taking it a bit more as a life style than them. Yes, we (those of us who take it “too seriously”) sat quietly with signs of little discomfort on our faces and hellooo, we know that yoga will not transforms us into super humans!!! Those ones who were mocking us were the ones with half of the discipline we had and who regarded the practice tortures some of the times. However, I do not question how they perceive practice or their lack of discipline because I really don’t give a damn about it much! For me, as long as you do some yoga, it is great because you do a favor to your body in terms of health at least, if it does not mean much more… And this is my personal practice, and even though I believe that benefits of my practice extend to the people around me in my personal life, it is not someone else’s concern to criticize. Ashtanga works for me, whether I believe it works or it really works does not matter. I don’t think I am doing yoga for the wrong reasons.
Uhh, this week was suppose to be about tuning into signs around instead of reflecting on them in my Wish process but I had to reflect when I have to validate my perspective… I don’t know if I am taking all this too seriously…

The best gift :)

Today practice was fine. I seem to be getting more fluid when doing the vinyasas after each asana; I guess I am getting stronger… But my left thigh is not so happy this week. I thought it was opening up last week, which is in a way… I can bind it much more easily now. However, I think I did something on Monday and I only realized it when I was practicing on Tuesday… and it hurts the most when I am doing the usual suspect, baddha konasana ; a muscle somewhere in my thigh is pinching, hurting… Well I just said my teacher when she came to adjust during baddha konasana , that my left thigh hurts and maybe it is for the better if we let it be since left side is a wild child, does not like to be pushed and if it is pushed, then goes back four steps back in terms of flexibility… but I am hoping some time soon, something will pop up there and my left side will be as open as my right side…
Okey the best gift came after my practice. I went into the changing area and the girls who come to practice regularly, thanked for adjusting them yesterday and they also told me that I should not worry about hurting them and then one of them said “I felt warm inside when you adjusted, we all did! it is very nice, thank you”, she even thanked for Deb who did not come this morning. As I wrote yesterday, I felt the people, who knew me, were very receptive contrary to my prior fears; however, I was not expecting such a support. It is the best gift that anyone could give me at the moment other than the opportunity to let me learn adjustments (thanks C ☺ !)

Ahu adjusting!

Today was the big day! I did my first adjustments. So, I went to class just before 6:30am. Entered the room while my teacher was helping someone. Then she came over and told me that I can begin adjusting people with downward dog, prasarita-padottanasana , paschimottanasana and triang-muka-eka-pada-paschimottansan, and even maybe with utthita-hasta-padangusthasana. First I stand there like a tree, terrified, then I told myself “move for gods sake, common, you will be helping with something you love to do, this is the chance to be doing something which might fit your nature the best”. So I began with adjusting downward dogs. Then prasarita-padottanasana, well with that I made Corrie roll… Okey it was funny not horrifying, she lost her balance and gently rolled. My teacher came and told me that I am suppose to have my leg in front of their leg in case they loose balance as just happened. Then, I did other adjustments as people moved to asanas on the mat. I was really scared with what people’s reactions might have been, like “what the hell she is doing” kind of… especially people whom I usually talk to, the regulars. However, surprisingly, they were especially very receptive, even thanking me… But it is really difficult to tell how much pressure I am applying and how much to apply. I don’t want to hurt people but then if I am doing it too lightly, there is not much point to it… Also, how different each person’s body, some are very flexible, some is so stiff-as if my adjustment has no impact, and some is resistant… Well, it was also tiring, more than I would imagine. First of all, have to breath with people I am adjusting so I can get the duration correctly, then there are so many energies floating around and you sense it all when going from one person to another. Though at the time I began my own practice, I was already warmed up, very much open, not like how I am usually when I am on my mat right off the bed.
After I finished my practice, which was also the end of class, and took a shower, we talked with my teacher about what I think. She told me that it is better to do it too gently than to over do it with which I totally agree… Then, with two other friends from class, we went to Gallery café to have coffee. My teacher also had our picture taken with her camera, and said lets take a picture of the day of Ahu doing adjustments for the first time. So, it is even documented, well not while adjusting of course.
Next adjustment day will be next Tuesday since Wednesday is a full moon. Until then, practice, practice, practice...

Wednesday is the beginning of a new journey maybe!?

I think with the last asana being assigned to my primary series practice I had a confidence boost with my backdrops. Maybe they will come along soon…
Sunday, I did this mini cleanse, only had two little boiled apples and boiled broccoli. I know some people eat nothing, they do a proper fast but I think I am in no shape to that, especially with my coffee addiction. I did self practice at home and then tried the survive the whole day with a headache and a squeezing stomach… I realized how much I consume in a day so that I have much more energy! I thought I would be pretty okay with broccoli and apple; maybe if I had coffee also… but then it would not serve the purpose… Well, I survived the morning practice at the studio this morning, little dizzy and weaker… My teacher came to my place for lunch. So, I will begin helping her with adjustments this Wednesday. The plan is I helping her every Wednesday from 6:30 am till 7:30 am when it is the busiest; then I will do my own practice. My only concern is people freaking out because my teacher forgot to announce that I will be helping her last Friday before the talk through… Maybe it is time to get out of my shell and just be…

Complete primary

Monday we, all the yogis form morning self practice, went for a picnic at London Fields, using the opportunity to be able to hang out late because of Moon day on Tuesday. It was very nice, everyone brought a dish and so we had plenty of food and good conversation. Tuesday was a new moon which is always good to start a new project etc… I just want to begin writing my dissertation and be done with it on time. Besides all this pleasent times in daily life, I still cannot be completely free of taking things personally. At the moment, I am hurt/angry and feeling deceived by someone… but this is how life and people are… I should be toughing up at this stage and be able to ignore frustrating stuff…
The good news about my practice is that my teacher added the last asana, setu bandhasana, to my practice! Yes, so complete primary serious. Time to get those back drops without any help. Well, there is no rush, it will happen when I am ready. But then I cannot do without thinking how they will probably stop me in the middle of primary at Mysore... Other than all this, it is really hot and humid in London so very sweaty practice we are having.

Dreams, inner voice and all...

After a brief break, my ashtanga dreams seem to be making a come back. This morning I had this dream in which there was this guy from high school whom I did not enjoy much by then. I will not go into details about why I did not like him because they seem irrelevant now but the thing is in my dream he was asking me that he wants to meet/know a Guru, and I told him to check out ayri website and read about Guruji, hoping that he might want to follow ashtanga path. This dream seemed weird at first but then it made so much sense. I guess it was telling me to stop being judgmental of people and underestimate them and maybe, to introduce them to ashtanga practice which is changing my life for the better.
Another thing, which has been an eye opener for me today, was re-listening to the Astrological reading I had from this lady at the end of last year. In the tape she sent me, she is telling me that I need to bring spirituality into my daily life to be whole within myself. She stresses that the key is having it daily and that my self-identity is based on this. I just realized that I found what she is talking about, my daily ashtanga practice, and also I realized why I am so obsessed about it because, as she says, it is the key to my self-identity and the spiritual flavor I need in my life... Moreover, she is telling me to trust my intuitive mind, my inner voice. I guess I can listen to her and have no doubt about my decision to spend three months in Mysore after I am done with this program in September. I just have this feeling that going to Mysore will, in some way, lead me to where I need to be, what I need to be doing next… I know it sounds crazy or too wishful but I have been having this feeling so strongly for so long, I cannot ignore it.
Anyways, this morning I did Sunday practice at home again (now London home) but I terribly miss practicing at Yoga Place, so looking forward to tomorrow morning…

Self practice in Istanbul

Spend almost a week at home, in Istanbul and I am proud of myself because I practiced every morning! The reason I made this trip home is because I broke one of my teeth and I am really paranoid of going to dentists other than mine after what happened in NYC four years ago. As a result, I had to have a dental surgery on my lower jaw, in which they had to drill into my bone… Ok, enough of my teeth problems.
Tuesday I went to Yogasala , thinking that they had a led ashtanga class because there was a visiting teacher who was supposedly teaching ashtanga. The schedule said, “open” and that usually means all levels… So, I went but then it turned out that people like vinyasa flow classes better (?!) so she did vinyasa flow. What I think about the class… well, it was fine, since it was a change… but then you know some of it just seems like aerobic movements and then she was pulling postures from ashtanga here and there. But what is so good in ashtanga is that each postures prepares, leads you to the next one! But when you pull postures from here and there you are not really there yet! You are not warmed up, opened up enough… This is my personal opinion. Maybe I a bit bias…
Anyways, today I am flying back to London. I miss practicing at the studio, with people so much! It makes such a big difference, so much more motivating… and of course having my teacher help me with postures, especially with backdrops! Yes, did no backdrops this week… but did my backbends.
Okay, another thing I did not mention is that last week my teacher asked if I want to help her with adjustments in class! Yes, this was a big shocker for me! But very exciting at the same time. She will first show me how to…

Happy Birthday Guruji!

Today is 91st birthday of Sri K. Pattabhi Jois! And also a moon day, so no practice but of course I practiced sufficiently in my dream. Yes, what is up with me dreaming about ashtanga almost every night? Sometimes I get really overwhelmed with this excitement. I guess something is changing within me, I am not sure what it is but all my energy is being channeled to a different direction that I am about to discover or already at the process of discovering. Well, I guess it all makes sense, all these things are happening just before my Saturn return, which is all about leaving dysfunctional habits, jobs, friendships and so on behind; it is about pruning one's life. If I am not wrong, I believe this fits well with ashtanga yoga, which initially prunes our bodies and then our minds and then our lives... The other week, when I was talking to my teacher, I mentioned if there is something wrong with being so obsessed with our practice and she told me how she was when she first began (practicing twice a day!) And then she said that there is time for everything and this can be time for you to be so focused on your practice. Since I practice absolutely whole-heartedly, with dedication and at the same time, with respect to my body, I guess it is the time for me to be so focused in my practice. On the other hand, I think practicing ashtanga has begun to change my perception in life. It gives me strength to see I end up doing postures that I thought it was impossible to do when I was first introduced to them… I just realize that with time, and with practice and patience, there should be so much we can accomplish in this world… Ohhh also, because of ashtanga I managed to begin meditating. It has always been a tough for me to meditate but I fear that if I don’t meditate, my practice might be lacking something… Well, I suppose whatever the reason one meditates for, it is always beneficial…