Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Rain fresh

It has been really really hot, and then the power cuts which meant no fan help, plus mosquitoes, I have been a bit impatient with India for the last week. And today it rained! to cool it all off. I can feel the effect in all, in the air first of all, then in my mind and then in people... This morning we met for breakfast for Gale who is leaving tomorrow. She will be coming to Istanbul in May, so we gotta prepare her for it a little... I don't think much preparation needed for those who has been to India anyways... After the breakfast I drove to Mysore city because I wanted to buy one of those zippered plastic bags. So I went to the Devaraj Market. The ground was wet, muddy, had to be careful while walking to not slip. I walked slowly, and got to my destination where I knew I would find the bag I was looking for. He said 85, I said 50, I got it for 60, probably I could get it for 50 but I did not want any drama... Then, I walked just outside of the market, got the fresh jasmines which were threaded on a string from the same man who sold them to me last time. I wandered a little bit further, looked at the shops which sell coffee but decided I will buy it from Jois Coffee shop which is in Gokulam. I went back into the market, walked through the flower sellers this time. As I walked by, one of them asked where I was from and I said Turkey, and then he said come and, I did not feel there was any ulterior motive, so I stepped back, he wanted something from the man behind him and gave me two small peach coloured roses and told me to put them in my hair, he asked my name, I told him my name and he repeated it and then I went on my way... This was a good moment, this little trip to the market made me see India with fresh eyes again, maybe it was the rain. Since I left Goa, it has been difficult for me sometimes, especially with Indian men. During the trip from Pondhicherry to Bangalore, the bus driver and the attendant getting really mad at Arnaud, the rickshaw drivers pulling us in every direction after we get out of every bus trip, the boy who grabbed my bum in the street, the guys who were driving towards my scooter to touch me, the man who spitted on my foot while I was walking in Mysore city... so I have been feeling more threatened than ever this time... But this morning, it was really calm n the market and the man who gave me those roses really didn't want anything more than knowing where I am from, what my name is and to see those flowers in my hair...

About the practice... The led intermediate classes now feel fine, I am getting the hang of them... On Monday something which was significant for me happened. As I went into back bends, I heard Sharath called my name for the very first time! He was yelling me "Dwi Pada, Dwi Pada, Ahu Dwi Pada". Him calling me with my name rather than just saying "you" was much more important than receiving one more asana. And today, again while I was doing back bends I heard him" Ahu, Ahu." and then when I was a bit slow in looking at him he said "Maya" (Peter says "so he knows both of your names!") and then he asked me "Dwi Pada, you did?" I told him that I did, he said "show me". Of course when he is looking I try to get into it faster and each time I go right foot first even tough I know it is left, ahh! Well, I am not so good at this, and plus getting into it faster, I was not able to raise my head so much while he was saying "head up, head up". The thing is one of the questions in my head is answered now... When P filled his application mentioning our plan and me, I was saying that he probably does not know my name or that I am from Turkey so it is fine... but yes he knows my name and I guess where I am from also... so what is next???

Friday, March 26, 2010

Maya

I guess one of the reasons I got so emotional the other day over my friend's email was that she named her little daughter Maya. Maya is my Osho sannyas name which I have used over the last three years and this was the name I was using when I met my friend. However, in the middle of Richard's intensive course, I decided to go back to my given Turkish name Ahu. The reason was the realization after Richard's talks that naming was a mind game, it was just distraction from the real experience. I told myself that if I wanted to show dedication to mediation and/or I want to make changes in my life, I just do it, I do not need to change my name to do this... Well, it can be a powerful and significant thing, name changing, and I guess it was at the moment when I did but now I can and have to do these things without any symbolism... Also, as I was sitting in the weekend long meditation during the Intensive, I realized who is sitting there was the same person, whom I was kidding? just have to do it, instead of creating distractions, that was it...

On the other hand, of course Maya is a good name. When I get home, I have to write some quotes from Ka where it talks about Maya, really nice... I am happy she named her daughter Maya...

Monday, March 22, 2010

rambling

I just got an email from a friend with whom I met during my last trip to Mysore. We were together only couple of weeks, then she left but during those couple of weeks, we spent good time, and get to know each other pretty well. She was staying with Gita and I also moved to the upstairs room at Gita's house and then when she left I took her room. And after so long she wrote to me today, and attached were the photos. Even before opening the email I knew it, I saw the attachment and thought that those must be photos of her and her baby(!?) I did not know that she gave birth but I always remembered her telling me that "Gita says girls who stay in this room always have daughters" in the room we both stayed.. And yes, she gave birth to a beautiful baby girl! As I was looking at her photos, suddenly this though passed in my mind "will I ever hold my own baby in my arms like this, so gently, so lovingly..." and I felt the sadness... I never thought that I wanted to have a baby. I cannot even maintain a healthy relationship, leave that to the side, I cannot even find/choose the right person. So I felt the sadness that it might never be possible for me, but the thing is I never knew I could be longing for this... There were all these selfish things to accomplish before, and those things to accomplish, would they ever be accomplished in this life time? Wanting to be free from relationships so I can float as I wish, no one should be on the way of my missions... then could there be any space, time for a baby? Maybe at the right time with the right one... not much more to say other than my friend looks beautiful with her lovely daughter.

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Quiet week...

This was a calm week. Not much happening. The weather has been super hot and I have been feeling more tired and having an understanding of siesta culture... I even had a nap one afternoon! The practice has been okey, feeling more settled with it and today's led intermediate was less tortures... well Sharath's count is not exactly 5 breaths, more like 10 breaths, rite?... But no new postures yet... During led I am thankful that I finish so early but during Mysore classes I can for sure do more... I wonder how those guys pull off all that Karandavasana, Nakrasana, I guess you just put yourself on automatic gear or something...

On the other hand, Flora left this Tuesday for France. She decided to empty the house and I was suppose to move to another place but Mari's friend Sandra showed up and stayed with us couple of nights. She is here for a month, doing Bharath's TT. Just couple of nights before we both were suppose to move, I looked at her and said why don't we make an offer to the landlord for 3 more weeks since the rent was paid for most of March. I am here until April 7 and she is here until April 10, it could work out. So, just like that, the next day we talked to the land lord and he accepted our offer since he would not be able to find anyone at this time... The funny things is that I and my new flat mate are born in the same day, I am just one year older.

Tuesday, I went to this tailor who is a bit further away. The first time I went with Dev; Dev is the one who knows where he is. On Friday afternoon I was going to go back to pick up my stuff (yes that soon!) and on Wednesday I told Dev to pick me up but then he forgot. Therefore, I had to find the place own my own, and I did fine until very close but then got confused, called the tailor, with his little English it was difficult but he understood me somehow and then I told him that I am in front of the school, and he came there to take me to his place. Now, I know where he is exactly! And as I thought that I don't have more things to get done since I am trying to keep the luggage small, this morning I went to town with Sandra and her friends from her TT and got more fabulous fabric! Now I am stuck with them, I am not sure whether to make things here or take them home and get them made into something home... Here it is always a gamble. The dress he made is really okey but about the shirt he made I am still not sure.. so with these new fabrics, I really want everything to work good because I really like them... what to do, gotta a decide...

This week, I also began chanting at home after practice. Well, I am trying to be consistent with what I do after practice... After shavasana, if the changing room is not full, I stay longer to do the pranayama I learned from Rolf or I go home and do it but it is kind of nice to do it right after. Then I come home and I put one of the recordings from Richard's intensive and chant the mantras we were chanting. Kumar told me that chanting Gayatri mantra will help quiet my busy mind so I will add that also. I might as well go to Jayashri these last couple of weeks few times a week. Soon I will chant alone at home all I want, so I should take advantage of being here and get my lazy bum out to chant with other students... it is always more powerful, no?

Now I need to do my sanskrit homework and then it is conference time...

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Bits...

Ohh well.. nothing so interesting lately... I have to say that I am a bit homesick these days... which is a healthy thing for me I guess. I have been struggling with being grounded lately. There is a bit of anxiety rising from wanting to go home but not exactly knowing how things will turn out when I am there. Maybe I should leave this to then, I mean I cannot really do anything about this now because it is a bit complicated... Anyways. Also, this journey I did not do much to stay grounded, not much effort to sit still, which is working against me. I used to be much better with making an effort to meditate and this time I have been very very lazy except some mornings sitting for 10 minutes. Actually, Osho Kundalini mediation to shake off my anxiety will work well.

The practice getting more settled, I am getting use to doing only second. The first few days were not easy, I was sore in many places as I mentioned but now soreness is gone but this time I have a bit off not so right sensation on my good knee also, which is worrying me but I am trying to be careful with it and not to over worry (if I can manage). but what is up with the knees!??! There was nothing with this one and then I began doing only second which is much more merciful on the knees but still something happens, I don't know what to make out of it. And something always happens here in Mysore, I wonder if there is some other reason to this beside the physical reality of it. uhh I donnu maybe not to read into it too much. Also maybe walking around too much with not so supportive sandals can be the cause... On the other hand, the intermediate led was still challenging second time and made me a bit nervous especially when Sharath came behind where I was during Bakasana! Ohh well, what to do, I try my best with Bakasana B but still I have to get more courage to jump high enough to not let top of the feet touch down...

By the way, I began Sanskrit Level I again. Lakshmish remembered me of course with his sharp memory... But he is still not giving homework, I want homework, it is so fun to do those things... he told me he will give me extra work since I have done this class before and I want to go beyond a bit more than level I. I also began studying what we have done with Richard in Boulder. I am listening to the recordings Sascha made. Of course sometimes I am lost because it is voice only and then Richard or Mary says you do this or that or the muscle is like this the bone turns this way... and if I do not remember what they are talking about I have no clue what they are saying :)... I should look up online to the photos people put up after the training, they might hold some light to me when I am lost.

Okey there is another thing. I have been going nuts about what to do when home, rite? and maybe I am saved from worrying about the first couple of weeks. After, arriving to Istanbul, few days later I might be covering P's morning Mysore classes for couple of weeks, so that will keep me busy. After that, maybe I can figure out what to do, how to do... there is no hurry really, why am I worrying so much? it is the Vata mind, needing some grounding.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Split from Primary

Well, it is a whole new territory now! Last Sunday's led intermediate was okay despite me being really nervous about it. The first Surya Namaskar and Sharath tells Nick to move his mat to the front and makes us all wait in Chaturanga and begins counting 1,2,3.... and laughs... We were about 40 people and there were as many on the doorway watching us. I found rescue by placing myself next to Jeff. We were at the back, very close to the "office" ( not the new one). I was afraid of the Bakasanas, Bakasana A was alright, with B, I hopped, top of my feet touched the ground, pulled them up and survived 5 breaths on my sweaty arms and jumping back was a bit of a disaster :). Then, as advised by Peter, I stopped and looked at Sharath since this was my last pose he gave me; when he saw me, he moved his hand indicating to continue, so I did. Bharadvajasana and Ardha Matsyendrasana easy as usual, so I continued and Eka Pada Shirshasana was okey and then sweet Dvi Pada Shirsana which was pitiful... of course this time there were not all that primary series to open up the body before these LB postures and then the time pressure to get into them in a led class... Therefore, I heard Sharath yell "you, stop!" and of course it was me. So, we stopped, went back to the finishing postures... My first intermediate led was intense but I did it without any major embarrassment. Of course I tortured Peter about whether I would be split or not after this led and he said "I am not sure about many things but if I am sure about one thing, you get to Eka Pada and he splits you, this is how he has been doing for many years..." I still had to ask Sharath. Luckily, on Monday he was in a good mood and when I looked at him he smiled and I asked "now I do only second?" and he said "yes only second now on..." So, just like this what I have been wishing for became reality before I even expected. And now I have super short practice; it is a bit longer than one hour but it is not easy as much as it is shorter. I guess doing all that primary before the second series postures was really opening the body. After the led class I was sore on my thighs and my shoulders and in front of my ribs... On top of this, Monday I began sweating tones with Surya Namaskars and the sweat never stopped pouring and my power was very low, maybe due to the heat and maybe my body is confused to go onto second right away... But then I was tired the whole Monday and Tuesday as if I was not doing a much shorter practice... Today, I feel more in tune, getting back to normal. In the mean time, my mind was not short of producing all these questions and comments "practice is so short and not much vinyasas, what if get weaker, already I am not strong enough? Rolf does not split before Karandavasana and he still wants me to get stronger... ohh this Japanese girl was in intermediate led class, why is she doing primary series now, is she going to go onto second series after primary, ohh stop watching her concentrate!" Yes, yoga suppose to quiet the mind; I guess this is the quieter version of mine... Still I had to run to the shala on Tuesday morning and wait at the door until Sharath, who was still teaching, looked at me in a "what do you want?" way and I said I have a question, he came and I said "now I only do second but so short practice, I am afraid I will get weaker" and his response was "weaker? no, you won't get weaker, more postures are coming..." He probably thinks that I am a super Vata strange one... Well, I have to add that doing only second has a different effect emotionally and I guess this is expected since it is Nadi Shodhana which works on the nerves system while the primary series, "Yoga Chikitsa", work on the body and very much grounding... So, with only second I have been a bit more anxious but I expect that will also settle....

What else other than all this asana practice notes... Himm , on Monday I began harmonium classes with this lady who is up the street. It was utterly confusing because I know how to play the piano. I think if I did not know anything, it would be much easier but since I knew the notes and scales, what she was telling me did not make any sense. I thought of dropping this desire to learn music here... At night, I searched at the internet to get more clear about what she showed me and I read that the notes in a scale were not fixed in Indian classical music as it is in Western music. The teacher, instead of telling me this, just told me to forget what I know and later on to compare the two systems. I guess she could tell me that the notes in a scale is not fixed, so I would stop trying to make sense, because when she said Sa is Do and Ma is Re but then she hit Sol for Sa I was totally bewildered... oohh well I will try one more time tomorrow this time with my friend who knows nothing about music, lucky her...

Himmm my time moved down to 5:15 AM, I think soon enough it will be 4:30AM! it is really, but really hot here now. When we have power cuts in the evening it is so intense, sweating all over and my bed is so warm as if I have put a electric blanket.

By the way I might do Sanskrit Level I again since I don't remember anything from the last time... It begins this afternoon... still undecided... have to stop the sweet stuff, then confusion might be less as Kuckoo suggested. uhh as for sweets, I am only eating fruits and dried fruits, even that has negative effect I guess...

Thursday, March 04, 2010

A. Grabbing !@#?!>

Okay, I know the title is a bit radical... but I am frustrated with this ass grabbing in Mysore... The first incident happened during the first week I arrived to Mysore on the street we live, which is just parallel to the shala, not a doggy place... I was wearing shalwar style pants and a t-shirt, walking up the street. this teenager Indian bay on a scooter came by and asked if I wanted a lift and I said no and kept walking. HE stopped there for a while, and then he began driving from what I was hearing since he was behind me and then suddenly grabbed my bum and said "get a lift!" I was so angry, I wanted to run after him, but of course he was on scooter so he just drew away and I yelled something in Turkish with that anger and feeling of humiliation. Then I had an another incident today. I was out of the dentist and I wanted to go to the city, to the Ashoka bookstore to buy this book which teaches you basic Sanskrit so I would remember what we learned in Level I Sanskrit last year and then I could continue with Level II Sanskrit classes at the shala. Therefore, I was driving my scooty in the traffic and this time I was maybe not prepared well, I forgot my scarf, I was wearing a skirt which was on my knees and a t-shirt maybe a bit wide in the front. Suddenly these three boys on a motorbike appeared by me began pushing me to the side and one of them began trying to grab my but from the side! I was in shock, I yelled and tried drive away and then this Indian lady in a van came by and stopped and they went away when they saw her. This was so dangerous beside being humiliating! Afterwards, the lady with the van came by me at the traffic lights and told me that it is my responsibility to dress up more properly and these guys are low class etc... Well, I guess I have to wear only pants or very long skirts here... I thought knee lenght was okay but apparently not at all. But the shock was they could kill me doing this while I was driving in the traffic! I was trembling a bit when I arrive to the city and felt as if I was naked or something... and Ashoka was out of stock of the book I was looking for. All was for this lesson I guess...

Well, there is some good news as well. I have been keeping this one. On Tuesday, while Sharath came to help me with Chakra Bandhasana, he asked me what posture I did the last. I said "Bakasana" and then added with a smile "Trouble!". However, he said "you come to Intermediate led class this week"! I could not believe my ears, I was so excited and this was so unexpected! After Chakra Bandhasana and a squash, I grabbed my mats and walked to the changing room for finishing postures.... After doing the finishing postures, resting and sitting for a while, I was already doubting myself, "did i hear correctly, did he really say that, did he really mean that I come to Sunday intermediate led?" So, today I had to ask him before leaving the shala "I come to intermediate led this Sunday?" and he nodded and said "yes". well this is a good step forward. At last I see an encouraging sign from a teacher...

Monday, March 01, 2010

Second month

I paid for another month on Friday. I was a bit goofy when I went into Sharath's "new" office to pay. I asked him if he would want to come to Turkey and his answer with a smile was "Do you have 100 students?" , I chuckled and said "maybe 20..." so, for now this is out fo the question...

Friday I was moody, moody, moody. But then I went to kirtan which was held at this place very close to where I stay and that was very nice, healing energy for me. Then, I came home, with the desire of warm milk but the gas was finished :(... I did not have cold milk. Saturday I woke up with a totally different mood. I met with Peter and we went to this dosa place which is near the zoo for breakfast. They only served dosa and idly. We had couple of dosas and then decided to go for a venture and ended up at the zoo :) since I have never been to this one. Peter assured me that it is not a depressing one and indeed it was quite nice. Lots of different kinds of animals... I liked that it is a very green zoo and it is very well kept. Then, the rest of the afternoon, I was at the pool (!) yes this trip I began going to the Southern Star pool... well this weekend was a long weekend due to Sunday fullmoon so the pool was not crowded at all. When I arrived a friend was also just going in so I spend most of the time chatting with him and of course I also swam couple of times. I guess the pool can be a intense place when it is crowded with yoga students but I have not come across to this yet. The funny thing wass that in the enterance they asked us for our passport and visa copy and couple of photos! Well, I do not walk around with my passport, so they said "bring next time" and handed me a form. They said they will be issuing a card for us... I donnu if I want to go through this hassel, but since the weather is uber hot I might need to. I also heard that there is another pool which is also nice but does not have much tree shade...

Sunday, moonday, I thought that I have been stuffing myself a bit too much (if you ask with what it is, mainly dried fruits and nuts... ); therefore, I decided to do a kind of fast. Well, it is not really a fast I guess. I had coconut juice and ginger tea in the morning after walking around the lake with Flora. I actually had to watch her having a cappucino at Barista while I tried to swallow down the "ginger lemon" tea they had there, I had to make a proper ginger lemon tea at home after that. Around 1:30 PM, I had little bit of steamed rice, broccoli and cabbage with lime juice and tiny bit of olive oil. After this humble lunch, I had water with lime juice. I was starving in the afternoon, so I ran to get another coconut juice and ran back home ( almost fainting on the way). I was basically feeling weak most of the day but I still had the expactation that I might feel nice and light in the led class next morning but the reality was a bit different. When I woke up I felt fine and thought "ohh nice I am not hungry at all" but then when I went to the shala to wait for the second shift led class turn, I started feeling really hungry and slightly panicing "ohh how am I gonna make it through?" We went in and began the surya namaskars. The first three were dizzy ones and I was feeling weak even in down dog! Most of the practice I was feeling weak, not light at all. During most of the practice I kept repeating to myself " fasting and practice do not go well together for you!" Of course after making through the practice, I ran home to have my breakfast! Afterwards I stopped by Kumar and told him about my mini fast and he said " this is why I am telling you not to fast, you are a Vata, no good for you. If you want to fast, do a fruit fast but eat through out the day not once..." I said I am afraid I am getting a bit big and he chuckled and said" with this practice, in this heat, you think you will get big?" We talked about many things since I do not know how to shut up when I am with him, and then when I was leaving he said " so, no fasting..." I ate pretty well today. We went to Sandya's for lunch and had her yummy food... It was good food and good company. Now I should be ready for tomorrow's mysore class, at least a bit more power ha!