Saturday, September 30, 2006

Root Canal

I am having a root canal done to one of my teeth. Yesterday, my dentist cleaned the canals but at night my tooth began aching. Still I went out with my sister who had really wanted to get me out. But I did not survive for long. It had been a while since I have been in Istanbul nightlife scene, but it seems like I have grown out of it. It was so smoky I thought I was going to suffocate. Not drinking actually felt good, I was myself which is really much better than drunk me. I stayed a bit and then after having few people’s drinks spill over me, I head home for the sake of my lungs. Today my tooth is still achy : (, if I forget and chew anything on it, it makes me teary. I will go to my dentist on Monday. I hope he can fix it.
The good news is I have my ticket to Mysore for October 24th, and I already reserved a room at Shakti for my first three nights in Mysore! When I am there, I will try to find a cheaper accommodation for the rest of my stay!

Thursday, September 28, 2006

Second series try out?

Last night was my third time with Eric’s led class. This time I took care of hiding back at the corner, just concentrating on my practice. As I write this, it feels funny because I am writing about my yoga practice, it is one of the few things during the day that I should not be concerned about such stuff, being visible or invisible, concentrating on what I am doing or not… Anyways, I guess going to shala with this frame of mind, being determined to do only my practice and not be concerned about anything else worked. I know this will make ma a bit unsocial but I am open to any friendly person so if someone approaches me warmly, I will respond with the same way. However, at the moment, there will be no effort on my part to socialize. Also, I am leaving in less than a month for three months, so it should be okay.
Last night’s practice was fun but I guess unconventional because Eric threw in second series after Navasana. This was my first time ever trying anything in second series. I was very unsuccessful with Pasasana, but I did fine with others, especially Ustrasana , Vajrasana , Laghu Vajrasana , Kapotasana Vinyasa in were very good before back drops, they opened up my back really well, and also I felt like they might be very helpful in getting my back stronger, which I need for getting back up from my back drops. Yes, still working on trying to come up after dropping back. In London, Charlie told me that my lower back does all the work in my back drops but one part of the body is not enough to bring up my whole body afterwards… That made sense and felt right since my lower back was aching a bit lately… Eric also things I need to get my upper back stronger… so work on that… how? Well, as Charlie suggested, holding my back bends longer. I would like to be able to come up before heading to Mysore. But if it does not happen, it is not a big deal, it just means I am not ready yet, so I will work on it until it happens, and it will at some point, I know ☺ because so many things which seemed like never going to work began working… sometimes I have hard time believing, so this will also happen when it is time…
Ohhh, yes I am in a much better mood. Also, Sri K. Pattabhi Jois was in my dream last night. I don’t remember the dream much at all, but it should be nice. I am picking up my ticket this afternoon! So excited.
These night classes are a bit tiring, especially my morning practice afterwards… Well, they might help me get stronger, back-to-back practice…

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Few more thoughts

Few more notes on my break down last nite. Afterwards I talked to my sister on the phone. She told me that I should not take everyone so seriously and also I should not restrain myself because of other people as long as I do not harm anyone. She told me that woman is also mirroring somethings to me, and letting me go through a process. I guess she has a point. I see how insecure, how unprepared I am for the real world. I have been in a very welcoming environment in London but I cannot find the same circumstances everywhere. Also, maybe she was mirroring some of the things I hold within me but too disturbed with, so when I face them I get really bothered. What are they? I might be too discriminative against people whom I don’t know, maybe I am also arrogant some of the times… So, the thing is to change myself first, then she will not be able to bother me. I believe my sister will become a very good therapist because she is already a good one. After talking to her I was much calmer and had a good night’s sleep.

Monday, September 25, 2006

Excessively Intuitive

I call myself excessively intuitive. I went to my second led ashtanga class in Istanbul. I guess I was in a bad mood to begin with and then I even felt more hopeless when I began feeling that all is show off here… I just cannot bare pretentious people… I am weak, yes absolutely weak because I am giving into this b….s.… In the middle of practice tears began rolling down my cheeks. Then I continued my practice… But the real blow off came during backdrops. Eric was helping few of us with backdrops. At one point he said that if we feel like it we can give a little push to our neighbor at Paschimottanasana , and since I had helped with adjustments to Cary in London and I really like to do it and also I think that it is quite nice when someone gives you a little more push at Paschimottanasana after backdrops, I gave a little help to the woman in front of me. But then that teacher wanna be woman lift her head and gave me a look full off disdain and ridicule, which made feel really bad. I know I am being too sensitive. I should feel more confident, instead of insecure and under critical eyes of people. I knew what I was doing and on top of everything I did it because our teacher suggested it. But at the moment I felt horrible and until the end of the practice I could not stop my tears… While on my way home I kept thinking what I am going to do. I felt that one thing that made me get up in the morning, gave me a reason to go on and not be depressed is being taken away from me. But then I am being too excessively sensitive. I will have to learn how to face these kind of situations and people because they are inevitable. I will come across to these kind of people from time to time like everyone does. I have to toughen up.
The good news is I reserved my ticket for October 24th to Bombay and from Bombay to Bangalore. Tomorrow morning I am going to Indian consulate to apply for a Visa. I should be excited not in tears… uhhh I am so silly sometimes. It is all in my head, I can let people destroy me or I can choose to continue in my happy pace… I will try to work on the latter…
It was nice to have two days of with the full moon. Tomorrow morning will be tough after tonight’s class but it is ok, it is my self practice....

Thursday, September 21, 2006

Ashtanga in Istanbul

I went to my first class last night, yes 7:30pm is night for me as someone who goes to bed around 9:30pm. It was really hot and I sweated loads. There were not so many people I guess partly because it was a week day and also people kind of find it difficult maybe (Eric was saying something about scaring people)… Eric is the teacher. So he did an almost full primary (skipped Setu Bandhasana for some reason but I did it anyways, I feel like I have to learn to behave in led classes that are modified!) It was okay, but he does everything maybe ten breaths, definitely not 5, and then I find his adjustments kind of weird which I will not go into… After class this hatha teacher, who also was in the class, told me that I had a good practice but then suddenly start telling me that I should be sitting on my sitting bones more properly because Eric says the other way is bad for your something… I was like whooaahh you were watching me during practice and you are telling me to correct myself? (of course not out loud) Okay, I got frustrated afterwards, I usually get frustrated after not at the moment… I was frustrated because even if I were doing something wrong it was not her place to tell me to correct it because our teacher was Eric, I believe he can tell me that. Then my own stupidity, of course I instead of saying thank you to her initial complement, mumbled something like “ohh I have been doing Mysore classes every morning, it is that” so trying to say everyone can do it if you do it every morning… I am so bad with receiving complements, anyways she made a U turn from her complement too quickly anyways… I also went on and said that there are people with really great practice who are on their second series among my yogi friends in London. This is funny because she said there is not much difference between first and second series so no big deal! Ha! Okay I am mean, mean person but I get irritated with shows offs and arrogance and ignorance on top of all. I just said “uhh they are kind of different, first series is mostly forward bends and second series is more of back bending asanas…” and she had to say himmm yes, but I guess she did not know the difference to begin with… So my struggle of not to be arrogant myself against people who will lack humbleness and will get into power struggle with someone like me who has no interest but just annoyance with such things…
Anyways, I have to concentrate on my won practice instead of being occupied with these kind of stuff. I am going to Mysore next months, yes it is kind of official. I will go to the travel agency tomorrow and then apply for my visa in the beginning of October (sister says to do it this way because they are stingy in giving visa time in Turkey for some reason). I am sooo excited.
One last thing; morning practice is very difficult following a night class!

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

No more a London blogger...

I am no more a London, UK blogger. I am an Istanbul blogger now on, at least until my trip to Mysore. I arrived at midnight. My sweet dad was at the airport to take me home. Mom was asleep when we got home but woke up quickly… I took a shower and jumped into the bed. I was up this morning before 7am, not so bad considering the time difference. Istanbul is 2 hours ahead, so I technically woke up before 5 am. Today I am planning to go to ashtanga led class at the yoga studio, (Yoga Sala) I used to go before moving to London, so I did not practice this morning. I don’t know how this evening class will be for me, it is at 7:30pm; at least it could be at 6:30 like Yoga Place evening classes. I guess they make (well I know it pretty well) people work much longer hours in Turkey… I don’t even want to begin thinking about that. No, first taking care of myself, resting and traveling, going to Mysore, no one is behind me chasing. I need to relax…. And not getting myself in any situation which will become dreading…
Now back with parents again. We will see how it will all go. They think I lost too much weight; next they will begin complaining about my practice? Well, I have to stand up for myself without getting furious; temper doesn’t help much does it? I should know better now. On the other hand, it was very nice to hug them last night. It is very comforting to know that they are always there, very welcoming, warm… I am grateful for having them.
Yesterday I did my last practice at Yoga Place. It was nice. My friends gave me a card which I was suppose to read in the plane but couldn’t because BA people snatched my backpack at the airport. I hardly rescued my laptop, passport and wallet and they handed in one of those bags one usually sees in huge sizes, often used by Eastern Europeans for carrying huge amounts of textile goods from Turkey to their country, but this was in laptop size, very fashionable. Well I might use it for my own daily purposes; it is kind of cute in that size… Anyways… I read the card when I arrived home; it was very nice... I hope to see them all, it was very pleasant to practice with them every morning, and I will miss that very much. On the other hand, before leaving London I managed to write and mail my letter to Guruji, so to initiate my trip to Mysore already. It will be all good… So, begins a new chapter…

Monday, September 18, 2006

Last day in London

Last day in London. I thought I was going to spoil myself today. Going to Covent Garden, having vegan ice ream at Neal’s Yard and coffee from Monmouth Coffee shop… Instead, it turned out to be hectic after practice. I kept running between the bank and this place from which I was suppose to receive a refund. First, I closed my bank account, not realizing that the refund did not come through yet, hen it had to be not closed so I could get my refund back when it comes through… This person and I could not figure out what would be the cheapest way to get my money and then close my account when I am in Turkey, both wire transfers and checks costs $. But then I figured out on my way back that it is the ATM! So, I had to run back because they took my card away in the bank. At the time when I arrived they have already destroyed it. But they reordered it since my account is not closed. In the beginning, I was getting frustrated but then I realized that this might be a sign from the universe! Maybe this account is not meant to be closed (yeah kind of so I can get my refund…) maybe I will be back in London, or maybe it has nothing to do with anything. But it made me feel less anxious, so this is what counts.
Ohh, I enjoyed London a lot. It was both very difficult and very enjoyable, refreshing. School and certain individuals wore me down but then a new world opened up for me with ashtanga, so I survived all that rubbish. Summer is ending or is already over. It is getting dark before 8 pm and it is still dark when I am walking to Yoga Place in the morning. Change is inevitable so I am off tomorrow afternoon. I will do my last practice (for now) with my yoga friends and the new teacher tomorrow morning… I wish C were here so I could hug her goodbye tomorrow. But we already hugged, and it was not a hug goodbye because we will get together again, I know…

Thursday, September 14, 2006

To blur or not to blur?

Is it okay to practice with my contact lenses on or not? Cary told me that Guruji does not want people to wear glasses or contacts, accordingly she advised me to not wear my contacts. I tried few times but I think I don’t like the blur much, especially when dropping back. It gets kind of scary when I cannot clearly see where I am going. Okay I know I am going backwards but still not being able to see it clearly is not comfortable. I asked the new teacher about this in the morning but he response was not tied to any principle. He said he could not tell since he is not wearing contacts but is should be all right since people wear it while doing sports…
Well, if someone knows more about this issue, please share your knowledge with me.

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Warming up...

The new teacher is actually a good teacher. He does not adjust much at all but he gives good explanations of asanas for which people need adjustments. I guess that kind of makes sense and is helpful; sometimes you don’t understand what you do wrong when a teacher comes and adjust you in a way that shifts your body significantly. So, he gave me few good pointers with couple of asanas and then with the backdrops, after my three dropping back and descending to the floor he came and helped me with 4 more backdrops and asked me why I am not coming up. My response was that I cannot pull myself up. He said we will work on that tomorrow. Today after my three backdrops he came over and said that my energy dies after I drop back and instead it should still be flowing and pushing me back up. Accordingly, I dropped back and he pushed me back and pulled me up to help me get the feel. Yes, it makes sense, I need that push to come up but I guess it will take some time for me to get that momentum. Well, I practice everyday so it will happen at one point; I thought I would never pass my fear and drop back but now I am dropping back quite nicely, so it comes when I am ready. The only thing is that I am leaving next Tuesday  and I am not sure how it will be in Istanbul. At Yoga Sala they have Eric who actually the first teacher from whom I began learning ashtanga but they have no Mysore classes! Maybe I can convince him to begin Mysore classes since he is also managing the studio… If not I am planning on my trip to Mysore anyway… so I will have to survive with home self practices for a while… But I will miss my friends here at Yoga Place.

Monday, September 11, 2006

First day with the new teacher

I am not assisting anymore, so I was at Yoga Place
after 6:30 am this morning. It was packed as it has been recently. Maybe curiosity about the new teacher also drew people who have not been showing up lately… Well, he definitely has a different approach than both C and Tony, who were very similar in their teaching. I got no adjustments, help, suggestions, guidance what so ever today. Even with the backdrops. After my prep back bends I got up and began my daily routine of going back and coming forth with great success of not dropping back after going so far… At one point he yelled at my direction while helping someone else “did you drop back and come up three times?” I said nope and he said, “then today only urdhva dhanurasana, tomorrow we will do them together.” But I did not give up and dropped back by myself for the first time without anyone standing in front of me, having their fingers on my waist or pushing me back or being present just to give me courage. I did it three times but no coming up, still did not figure out that one. In a way, his aloofness made me pass my fear. I struggled few minutes with fear and tension building in me but then I did not want to sit back on my mat without dropping back, especially since I knew I could do it.
Maybe he will show some interest in teaching me how to come up tomorrow…

Friday, September 08, 2006

Halfway on my special journey...

My impersonal horoscope says “You're at the halfway point on a very special journey today, but you're in for a surprise.” Kind of makes sense I guess, well I have no idea what might be the surprise. Today was my last day with Cary, I mean at least my last day of being her student. I woke up at 3:15 am and did not even consider going back to sleep. I was at Yoga Place around 5am and began my practice at 5:10 am. Before 6am the bell rang I thought C came early but it was some other people whom I could not recognize because I did not have my contact lenses so everything was blurry. Someone peeked into the room and said something so I got up from my mat went near him since I had no idea who this person was and what he was saying. I said “hi I am Ahu and held my hand out (what was I thinking? okay I was thinking this is the new teacher and I was introducing myself) but he just said ohh no, I am looking for C. Well that was weird, do you say “ohh no” when someone introduces themselves to you??? Ohh well I cannot care less… I am leaving soon. Then C came finally after I had to buzz in some other people, still could not tell whom they were. I was finished with my practice pretty early. C thanked for the Vegan cake I baked for her while helping with my backdrops. First, I did not understand what she was thanking for, I came so early and with all these new people and all, I forgot that I brought her a cake… Anyways, then I helped with adjustments. At some point we called C to the changing room and gave her a present and a card. She got so happy!
I will miss her very much, too much. I am kind of blocking all the anxiety I might have from this separation. At laest, I did not break down and made a fool of myself this morning because I did that on Monday when no one recognized. Monday, it just downed on me at the end of my practice, I got up from shavasana in tears, sobbed a bit in the changing room and that was it... But now I feel reassured, for some reason, that I will see her soon, in few months. Until I see her, I have to figure out how to get up from backdrops, dropping is getting easier…
I thank for my luck, I thank for meeting such a great person, having her as my teacher and my friend.
Now, I have to keep reminding myself that every ending leads to a new beginning. Or as my horoscope suggests that I arrived halfway on this very special journey….

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

Strained neck...

Strained my neck Monday night while sleeping. I don’t know what is up with it… Maybe it is because C is leaving and this is the way my body reacts. It suddenly downed on me that she is going and then I am leaving as well. She will be back but it does not change anything for me because I will be gone… Hopefully I will see her in Mysore this winter. For the moment, practice is a bit painful with strained neck until I warm up.
My friend Mark is staying with me until Sunday. So, I managed to drag him to the morning class. He was a yoga virgin but not anymore…
Other than that I am a free women since I handed in three copies of my dissertation to the department. This is it, nothing more I can do about it. It will be fine though; I worked on it hard.
Other than that, I guess I am getting use to my backdrops, less fear and shaky legs…
Then, new teacher is coming on Friday. C will talk with him about me helping with adjustments. I am a bit nervous, I hope he is a pleasant person. He should be, right? He is a yoga teacher.

Saturday, September 02, 2006

Released the Creature!

I was in the library around 10:30 am and did not leave until 4:30pm. I read, reread on paper, on the screen, edited, added, and changed stuff. I shoveled my homemade poor salad in front of the computer without getting caught to guards in between reading and writing... I did not ventured into cyberspace as I usually do, remained focused until I felt like I was going to puke from working on this dissertation thing. At last, I said let me print it and walk away. So, I printed 3 copies as required by the department. It is 33 pages including abstract and references, 1.5 space. Yes, finally I released the creature. I felt very drained after I stepped out of the library and began walking. As if I gave something out of myself… hopefully nothing I will need again.