Saturday, August 30, 2008

Here comes 31!

So I turned 31 yesterday… it was a pretty dramatic day just because of the way I felt… I was sad because I was far away, well I am always far away from the people I connect with, from the people who are close to me. Yes, I have a problem of being disconnected from people in this city and having friends who are spread around all over the world… since I went away for college 13 years ago… (wow it has been 13 years!) Therefore, yesterday I felt really down in midday. I realized that there is something not working in my life. I am not able to be present in, able to settle down in, able to except the place I am from. What to do? I really have no clue anymore. Because I am trying hard to do something, I am working on what I love the most in my life here, hoping that something will come out of it which will make me enjoy this place but not really happening. I keep finding myself missing all these other countries I have lived in and I keep finding myself feeling stuck and hopeless here… Is it my attitude, or is it the impossibility of what I am trying to do or what? Now I feel like I am writing to one of those advice columns on newspapers!

Sorry for being such a downer… Well, my sister was great yesterday, she did everything to cheer me up and at the end she succeeded. We had good time going out, having a meal and all that. So, now I am 31… a pretty grown up age it looks to me. And in this new age, I wish to find peace within myself, I wish to be connected better, ohh I wish many things… and today is a new moon so the very right time to write down wishes, so I will do that… thinking carefully, writing my wishes.

Sunday, August 24, 2008

Meditation for the day!

Today I draw a card from Osho transformation tarot cards and here what I have got to meditate on!

"WISHFUL THINKING

The parable of the wish-fulfilling tree

The thinker is creative with his thoughts--this is one of the most fundamental truths to be understood. All that you experience is your creation. First you create it, then you experience it, and then you are caught in the experience--because you don't know that the source of all exists in you.

Once a man was traveling, accidentally he entered paradise. In the Indian concept of paradise there are wish-fulfilling trees, kalpatarus. You just sit underneath them, desire anything, and immediately it is fulfilled--there is no gap between the desire and its fulfillment. You think, and immediately it becomes a thing; the thought realizes automatically.

These kalpatarus are nothing but symbolic for the mind. Mind is creative, creative with its thoughts.

The man was tired, so he fell asleep under a wish-fulfilling tree. When he woke up he was feeling very hungry, so he said, "I wish I could get some food from somewhere." And immediately food appeared out of nowhere--just floating in the air, delicious food. He immediately started eating, and when he was feeling very satisfied, another thought arose in him: "If only I could get something to drink..." And there is no prohibition in paradise so immediately, precious wine appeared.

Drinking the wine, relaxed in the cool breeze of paradise under the shade of the tree, he started wondering, "What is happening? Have I fallen into a dream, or are some ghosts around and playing tricks with me?" And ghosts appeared! They were ferocious, horrible, nauseating. He started trembling, and a thought arose in him: "Now I am sure to be killed. These people are going to kill me." And he was killed.

This parable is an ancient parable, of immense significance. Your mind is the wish-fulfilling tree--whatsoever you think, sooner or later it is fulfilled. Sometimes the gap is such that you have completely forgotten that you had desired it in the first place--sometimes the gap is of years, or sometimes of lives, so you can't connect the source. But if you watch deeply you will find all your thoughts are creating you and your life. They create your hell, they create your heaven. They create your misery, they create your joy. They create the negative, they create the positive. Everybody is a magician, spinning and weaving a magic world around himself, and then he is caught--the spider itself is caught in its own web.

Once this is understood, things start changing. Then you can play around; then you can change your hell into heaven--it is just a question of painting it from a different vision. Or if you are so much in love with misery you can create as much as you want, to your heart's content. But then you are never complaining, because you know that it is your creation, it is your painting, you cannot make anybody feel responsible for it.

Then the whole responsibility is yours. Then a new possibility arises: you can drop creating the world, you can stop creating it. There is no need to create heaven and hell, there is no need to create at all. The creator can relax, retire. That retirement of the mind is meditation."

Friday, August 22, 2008

This week...

Some notes on this week…
Impatience regarding going to India has been growing. The first couple of days of the week I was just unhappy about… being in Istanbul, practicing all alone for the last 4 months; everyone being on vacation including my few students, so the number of students coming to very low number; not being in Mysore with the rest of my friends and practicing with them; again being in Istanbul… so it was just like this, on and on…
Then, Tuesday, a student of mine came to class late, everyone else was done with their practice and the last entrance time was passed, so I was also already doing my sun salutations when she arrived. Therefore, we practiced side by side, and this meant that me practicing with someone else for the first time since I got back from India! It was very nice, very nice gift for me!
However, Wednesday morning, I was still not happy (uhh) still the resentment about all those things… then, when it was time for me to practice, during the invocation, I decided to dedicate my practice to my unhappy state. I thought that maybe something good can come out of it. And just like that, practice became very good and for the very first time, I felt the power of back bending asanas of second series. It was all talk for me when I heard second series is heart opening, etc… I do those specific asanas ( Salabasana, Bhekasana, Dhanurasana, Parsva Dhanurasana, Ustrasana, Laghu Vajraasana, Kapotasana…) fine but I never felt my heart opening or something… but this time, I felt this happiness rising in my chest as I did them, it was surprising, it was nice… and when the practice was over, after my shower was over, after my dressing up was over, after I head out of the shala, I realized how lucky I am to be doing what I love the most. I am practicing and I am teaching this practice, how on earth I forgot this fact! Well, of course I am also drained, tired; tired physically and tired of students who do not really get the concept of daily practice, so I need a break, and I need to be recharged for sure. But still, it is good, it will be good and I do not need to worry about things much. Also, my sister is back from her vacation (see everyone is vacating!), this means we can continue with our chess learning phase…

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

The Black Cat Incident!

Okay, things got really funny here last night around 1AM. I live in a room in my sister’s house. She has an apartment with a garden and my room is downstairs, well was downstairs- ground level with a little window looking to the garden. I liked this room, it was big enough, private enough… and I made a little corner for myself with photos of my respected masters, and enough space for me to do my practice… But then two weeks ago, while I was practicing I saw this black street cat hanging on the wire mosquito net on my window and then turning around and pissing towards my window! Yaks! So this was the reason for time to time cat piss smell I was having! Not any of my sisters three cats! Well, me being a Virgo, I got really irritated by this. So I stopped opening my window (even though it is August in Istanbul!) I cleaned everything in my little altar to be and we cleaned the window and my sister put vinegar on the window so it would repel the black cat… But I kept smelling the sour piss smell although I kept my window shut and burned incense and sprayed Aurosoma room sprays…

Last night, in the middle of my sleep, I was awaken with a noise, and I saw a black shadow hanging on my window, pulling the wire nets and then the shadow leaving with a nice piss smell behind! Uhh, first I though I could sleep over this, do whatever cleaning up I need to do next day, but I could not sleep. After an hour, I gave up and got up. I looked up by the window to see the marks he left behind and while I was trying to close the blinders furiously, the plastic stick to close them came off … So, I went outside of my room to see if there was a chair I can take in to step on it and fix the blinders. I found a high stool, I brought it in and then I stepped on this high but light stool which did not stay under my feet for long and slid away with me falling off and bringing the big mirror leaning to the wall down as well… First thing I looked was to see if the mirror was okey since it is bad luck to broke a mirror, and then I looked to see if I broke something in my body… We were bought okey with me having a large scratch on my right ribs. But at this point, I was really upset… tears started roll down my cheeks and so, I decided it is time to sit on my mat for a while and then breath for a bit and then go on with my practice… I was still angry but I decided to channel this energy towards my practice. I knew I would be strong unlike my weakness of the past few days because I found out this winter while I was working in Pune at the Osho Commune, that I get angry and that this anger has lots of energy, and it is okay to be angry and it can even give birth to something beautiful if I can use it. Instead of trying to suppress it or pretend that it did not exists, I was recommended to acknowledge it and look at it… Well, I sat and I breathed and then I began my practice… It was around 2:45 A.M. I had energy and clearness of a well rested morning… I did my whole practice including the handstand practices by the wall and then lay on my mat for shavasana. It was a good practice and I wondered whether I should thank this black cat which has been making my room sting and waking me up in the middle of the morning… because it woke me up to do a practice that was solid. I realized that when I was worrying about getting weaker and all that, I was worrying for nothing…. It was my mind making me uneasy… I remembered the time I got poisoned in Pune just when I was suppose to begin working… and how that got me weak… but at that time, I minded this little; as soon as I was up, I began practicing without much worrying about whether I was moving forward or backward. When I went back to Goa to study with Rolf again, it all came back anyways… We are suppose to see that we are not this body, we are not this mind, we are something beyond all that, but this awareness does not come instantaneously or by hearing it. I do not know when I will get it and calm down for good… yet, as Cary used to say yoga is one step ahead two steps back… at the time, I took what she said for only asana practice but now I see it contains more.

I remember after I took 9 days of because of the new tattoo on my shoulder and got weaker with my practice, someone telling me that it was all right, no big deal because there is so much time ahead to practice. I always had that in mind but forgot it recently… and now I also see that there is so much time ahead to build the Mysore classes here… I still need to work on myself… if I try to keep going without paying attention to myself, it would lead to something not so enjoyable. For some, starting something and leaving it behind after few months is not clever but for me it is okey. This was the first trial, I began with very low expectation and it went fine. I think, after I come back, it will be fine again and maybe better. I do not feel guilty or doubtful about leaving next month because I see that if I do not, I will stop enjoying what I am doing. I am not strong enough and that is probably why people wait much longer than me to begin teaching Mysore style… but circumstances here led me to teaching Mysore style which is the best way to teach for me anyway. But I also have to be honest with myself and take care when I need caring…

After the practice last morning, I still had sometime to leave the house to go to the shala. Therefore, I turned on my computer to look for flights to India. I decided to leave a bit earlier than what I have decided before… instead of struggling here and loosing perspective, I go and work on my practice, regroup with my friends and have the opportunity to see few who would be gone by the time I arrive to Mysore.

Sunday, August 10, 2008

Weakening...

I have gotten weaker during the last two weeks. It happened suddenly or maybe I just realized it suddenly after it became more evident. Therefore, last Tuesday, I decided not waking up at 3 A.M. to do my practice before teaching, but practicing after I teach the Mysore classes. Also, I decided to eat better… I thought waking up so early and slacking with my diet had caused me to get weaker. And how did I realize that I got weaker? Well, in Goa, Rolf wanted me to do handstands by the wall after backdrops and I kept that going on here as well… until last week when I suddenly could not go up. I was so frustrated because I was hoping to get further with this not backwards. The real thing he wanted me to do was going up into handstands with two feet together, so kicking up was the easy version to get stronger… which I could do fine until last week! I get upset of not being able to go up and then I got upset because I was getting upset over this… and on and on… here again, my issues of strength which is not only physical but also internal I guess… and then feeling like a jerk because I am being competitive (yes with myself!) … then I know, actually no handstands until one begins third series… so what is going on! I am loosing it and I feel uber tired because it is suddenly all too much, the Mysore classes, my own quiet long practice and the extra beginners classes that I am teaching for my friend…
On top of all, I do not feel guess what? so solid! You know what happened last week, during silent sitting before I began the beginners asana class, this one girl began telling me something about her friend who was late to class. Since it was silent sitting, I told her to be silent and that they will come after this part is over. There is a sign outside saying “if you are late to class, please wait until the meditation ends to enter in”. So, I assumed that they will read the sign and enter in few minutes when I begin the class. But see, this girl who was talking during silent sitting got mad at me and left the class… I had no intentions of patronizing or anything… I just wanted other students and this girl as well to be able turn in and stay in their own moments for few minutes but obviously I am not the one to decide that… I learned something new…
Uff wish me good luck. I am so yearning for Mysore and Goa… but you know what, I also really want be able to stay content wherever I am or if not, taking action to be in that some place where I will be content!!!! GOOD LUCK to me… I am selfishly envies of you all my friends who are in MYSORE!

Friday, August 01, 2008

Mysore Style

I remember that when I took the Introduction to Ashtanga yoga weekend workshop in London, the teacher encouraged everyone to try out the morning Mysore Style self-practice Ashtanga yoga classes. He emphasized that we should not be intimidated because there was no show off scene but a very appropriate way of learning, practicing ashtanga. At the time, I had no idea what was Mysore style at all. Before the teacher mentioned anything, every time I saw Mysore style in the class schedule, I thought that it was for people who were sore – my sore – that was what I understood. But after the workshop, it got to me and I wanted to try, still I put it off for a month because of all excuses i) it was tooo early for me to wake up, I was studying until late at night, ii) it was tooooo cold to wake up and get out of the bed to go out, etc… but what required was just me doing the leap, without considering any excuses, not slowly, slowly getting used to the idea… Finally, when the Christmas time arrived, the vacation began and there were no excuse of school, studying and all that; therefore, I went to my first Mysore class in mid December and there, that day, after my first Mysore style Ashtanga yoga class, I was mesmerized, I was in love… After that day, I went running to Mysore style classes at 6 in the morning everyday when there was a class. It became my priority for waking up. It became the way to begin a day and go on to whatever was next whether that was studying for classes, or studying for exams, or taking exams... there were no excuses anymore. It became the thing I enjoyed the most, which was for some people too sad! “Is that what you enjoy the most in your life?” they asked with a pitying voice… and I never minded… I enjoyed the silence, I enjoyed practicing with other people, I enjoyed the private attention of my teacher, I also enjoyed when my teacher ignored me, so I would work on what I needed to work on as there was no hurry, I enjoyed the moments I was no-mind and just moving, and I enjoyed the silent intimacy I shared with the people who put their mat next to my mat, or in front of my mat , or behind my mat, or people who were at the other corner of the room. I made friends with people who shared their practice every morning in that room. I got encouragement with a supportive look of a friend practicing next to me when I was fearful of letting myself drop back, I got little celebrating squeak from another friend when I let myself drop back eventually… and so on…
Well, now here I am teaching Mysore style Ashtanga Yoga because that is how I fell in love with yoga; that is how my life changed all over… I try to teach as I was taught, I try to help built a practice for oneself and I try to not forget the goodness of my teachers so I can maybe bring some of it into my classes. Sometimes, it gets challenging because I forget the required patience for building something new and get disappointed when students do not show up regularly, or/and they do get too eager to move forward with learning the primary series without digesting what is given already… when they forget to just enjoy what they do and get preoccupied with what is next. And honestly, not many of us are really, totally immune to all this, including myself. I remember getting frustrated with having no teacher in Istanbul and being stuck with where I was in my practice. But then I valued being stuck as much as moving forward… I guess most of the time life gives us what we need and yes sometimes this statement is damn cruel when things are really not good at all! But maybe I can convince you and myself that regarding our practice, we get what we need… On the other hand, sometimes I also see with clear eyes that it is happening, that there are people moving together in silence and I move around them, helping them, showing them, watching them… and I see they get it, they understand what is this, what is happening in that room… and it is all very beautiful. Then I feel blessed...