Late post from a week before

This is written a week before:

Friday night we left for Mysore... but such a night it ended up being. We came back to our room at 9:00 PM, the taxi was supposed to pick us up at 9:30 PM to take us to the bus station, our bus to Bangalore was at 10:45 PM. As I picked the cover of my bag, I saw something and thought it was a spider but then I saw the curled up tail! It was a scorpion. I called Arnaud but he was at least as scared as I was and even more panicky. We tried few approaches but since we were both too freaked out, at the end we decided to call the guy who was doing the "night guard" duty. He did not speak English much and thought Arnaud was talking about a snake... I tried to describe that it is a small insect with the curled up tail, piousness... At the end, scorpion came out of where it was hiding and began running as they kicked the bag. The guy just killed it with the stick he had in his hand. He was laughing at us that we freaked out about this. I felt bad that we killed it but I had no other idea... what else we could have done since we could not be able to catch it and take it out without it biting us. If it bit us, then it would be another crises... When the scorpion event ended, we realized it was time to go but there was no taxi! I called the travel agency from which we booked it and the guy said he did not have a taxi so he called someone else and they should be on the way and I was like "what are you thinking, we have a bus to catch!" Then I began panicking because I really at this point wanted to leave this place. We went to the owners house because the night guard said they have a car and they could take us but the woman who was in charge was so stp/#@!t.... she was first asking if we paid the rest of the rent which we did to the owner, then she was saying that they will call another company and I was saying that there is no time to wait for another cab and she was saying " yeah sometimes I want to go too but I cannot..." bla bla bla.... but then we heard the taxi coming and we ran to put our stuff but I was out of mind at this point because we still had to take the scooter we rented to the travel agency and for a minute I thought that we just leave it there since they did not care to send the cab on time, they could deal with it themselves with getting their bike back. But we being we, even though we were more than 20 min late took the scooter, but the taxi did not know where the travel agency was and I was trying to explain him and Arnaud was driving behind us, we had to get to the travel agency so he can drop the bike and then he would get on the taxi afterwards. Well, at the end we managed to get there and Arnaud, angry, dropped the keys and yelled at the guy who was at the agency... the guy came out and he was, of course not concerned about us missing our bus, asking if we had paid for the bike which he had done when we went there in the afternoon to remind them that we booked a taxi to go tot the bus station at Pondichery. Anyways, the taxi driver just put his emergency lights on and drew us like crazy to the bus station. At the end, we arrived in time and we paid him almost double of the fare because he did all he can to take us on time.
Of course the story never ends... Then our bus came. We were waiting for our bags to be put under the bus but they were not paying any attention to us, so we waited and waited. At the end, A got a bit restless so he opened one of the side lids of the bus but there were batteries (something like that) of the bus not the baggage space so he closed it but the lid got out of its place slightly! It did not came out because he forced it , kicked or whatever, it was going to come out when someone opened it and that someone happened to be A. But of course the men who worked for the bus agency got all very furious and began yelling at him, and then they were trying to put it back maybe 5-6 of them and quarreling among each other. Then the bus driver came and he really got mad, and almost walk over Arnaud and began yelling that he should pay 1000 rupees. They kept trying to put It back and at this point, Arnaud was really upset... but then they managed to put it back! A apologized to the men who put it back and as we finally entered the bus, Arnaud apologized to the bus driver as well and in return, he yelled back at him that A should pay 500 rupees. Finally we began our journey and we arrived to Bangalore on time around 6-7 AM. As A went to get our bags, first they did not want to give us our bags unless he paid them 500 rupees. I did not realize all this because at this time I was trying to deal with this man who would not let me alone, he was trying to get us in his rickshaw but I just wanted to see where I was and get a bit more clear about what I will do next... I was really irritated since I just woke up and I was in the middle of all this chaotic place where buses, people, rickshaws were all over. A managed to get the bags without paying anything and when he got by me the man jumped on him since he could not manage to get through me but then I just had to yell at him in Turkish so he would leave. Then I found a guy who worked for the buses and asked him where the bus station for Mysore buses were, he told us at the other side and then this other rickshaw driver next to him said he would to take us there for the half price of all others and so we went with him. At the bus station , we were seeking for the Mysore bus, and they told us to go to the very end of the bus stand and as we were walking two men said their bus is Mysore bus and we were a bit confused, we got into the empty bus but then A heard him say Ooty and he asked are you sure this is Mysore bus and he said "yes direct" but I could not sit still so I got out and ran to the end of the bus line and all other men kept saying go to the end for Mysore buses and there was the Mysore bus almost full, ready to leave so I went back and told A to pick up our stuff. The men in that bus were "where are you going? this is Mysore..." and I was " please let us go". for sure that bus would pass by Mysore but it was totally empty and in how many hours it would be full... Well, they were trying to fill it so we were the perfect fish. The other bus, as we got into it, left for Mysore in couple of minutes. It took more than three hours to get to Mysore city and since we sat at the very back with our bags on the wheels, we did quite a lot of jumps, any kidney stones should have been eliminated after this drive. After we got out of the bus, again some men jumping on us... I just kept cool and walked out, then found a rickshaw for 50 rupees to go to Gokulam which is more than the fare but I wanted to end this trip. We stopped by Anokhi garden so I could get the keys from Flora. When she saw me she jumped with excitement, it was great to see her in her dream cafe! Everything looked so nice, they opened the front part of the house as well, and the space looked so clean and really reorganized in a tasty manner! So I got the keys to Flora's house where we were going to camp until we find a place to live...When I got back to the rickhaw, A was saying that the driver now was asking for 70 rupees because we made a stop. When we arrived to the house, I bargained with the driver and then agreed to pay 60 rupee just to get over it which is double price.... of course 10 rupee, 20 rupee is no much at all but one feels taken advantage of so many times that after a while you began this tag of war with them.... Well, maybe it is better to just let it go instead of getting so stressed out. Then I went to the chocolate shop to make sure that we were at the right place and A took the bags out. When I got back I looked at the pile of bags and then realized that A forgot one bag which I placed behind our seats... and the rickshaw was already gone. We were a bit doomed but really we should have felt blessed because in that bag there were stuff we really liked such as his blankets, his long sleeve shirt, my Japanese sweatshirt, my favorite FabIndia cotton scarf, my liquid stevia, his organic honey and jam from Auroville but nothing really crucial such as money, credit/ATM card and passport! so over and over we repeated that we lost nothing that could have hurt us.
So we entered Flora's house which is really nice, spacious, and clean and bright. We took showers and head back to their cafe for a really yummy breakfast! It was really nice, Flora's fruit salad, her homemade yogurt, the musli, the gingery pineapple coriander juice! All perfect, made with love and care!
I could not register the same day because it was Saturday and that is the only day te office is closed so the next morning I practiced at home, I was already up at 3AM with excitement and then the some day I registered. I told Sharat about my knee and he asked what happened and when I said the doctor told me that minuscis is fine but there is inflammation over the femur he said good then it will go away. My practice time is 8AM! so late, and as I got to the waiting room on Monday morning I saw maybe at least 20 other people waiting and I kind of panicked wheter I would be able to practice that morning! After half an hour wait, yes I did practiced and sweated a lot more than I have sweated for the past year...
We still did not find a place to stay,. Gokulam is super packed. But next week some people are leaving because it will be the end of a month since Sharath began teaching... of course more are coming but hopefully we will be able to get something which will become available before the new comers...
On Monday, I also began the massage course with my good friend Kumar who is a very good body worker and also transomatic dialogue therapist. We are only four people doing the course so we get lots of guidance. I enjoy it and hopefully I will learn well and keep up the practice so I can give massages at some point and make some money also as I travel.... and it is also good to learn how to touch in a right way when you are a yoga instructor.
On the other part of things, I have to admit that I have been having a bit of difficult time with being with A for 24 hours. It has been 3 weeks since we have been on 2 4hour hour schedule and it began getting on me. After so many years of alone time, being so used to be on your own, having your own plans and programs, then suddenly someone else enters the picture... not easy for this Vata woman but I wish that is is not impossible... We just have to give each other some freedom in these coming days.

Travel notes...

It has been long while again since the last time I have written. I have been moving a bit and that is why I have not written. We left Goa on January 8th with a sleeper bus to go to Hampi. It was a long, very long journey because we were on a tourist bus where the people who ran it had no respect. They stopped all the time at very bad places. At one point, we stopped at this in the middle of no where kind of restaurant place at 2AM for what reason god knows. Arnaud and I came out to stretch our legs. A was just bending forward and then I saw this car coming towards us and I looked at the parking spot which was next to us and thought they might park there... and I kept watching this car coming full speed towards A and only at the last second, I pulled him back. It stopped right in front of him and there were young (drunk?) Indian men, and the one who was driving got out and yelled at A something which I cannot remember now. I was really scared but more than being scared, I was feeling really stupid and almost passive because I kept watching the car, anticipating it to just pull towards the parking space instead of taking A and moving to the side... I was almost frozen until the last second and it could have been really late! What if as A raised his head when the car came too close and hit him on the head... all these things kept coming to my mind when we were later in the bus for many hours.

Instead of arriving to Hampi in the morning around 6-7 AM, we arrived around 1PM because of stopping for zillion of times. Just before we arrived, maybe 10 minutes before, we stopped again and at this point, Arnaud, with frustration, went to the driver to see why again we were stopping. The reason was they (people who worked for the bus company) wanted to have ice cream at this spot! But when A came to inquire, they all got into argument and the driver pulled off to continue, the bus company's name is "Island", so please avoid it if you can!...

After we arrived to Hampi and crossed the river to the other side, we began looking for a place. Of course, since we came late, it was a hassle to find a place to stay. All the guest houses were full and we did not think of making any reservations (dah!) thinking it would be easy to find something... After we found a room for Jeremy, we began searching for us... and at last, we found a nice bungalow house. It was a nice place and the people who run it were also very nice, the name of the place was Sunny Guest house if I am not wrong. Our bungalow was big enough that both of us could practice in the room in the mornings, outside there were too many mosquitoes to practice... We stayed in Hampi for about 4 and a half days... We did sight seeing, the ruins, temples, beautiful nature, rocks... So many tourists in Hampi while I was thinking that we were going to India from Goa... lots of young Israelis.. Our joke was "it seems like in Hampi it is Israelis and then us only". The amount of time we stayed was just right but then we ventured to eat out instead of the cafe of our our guest house the last couple of nights and the last place we went to did it! I ordered thali and A ordered Laffa. I looked at the thali, tasted the plain rice and then I told him I am not eating this. The rice was very old and the dhal did not look anything like dhal, vegetables were a paste, not able to tell what was in it... A ate some of his Laffa... Then we went back to the guest house to have Thali there which was quite good (we had that almost every night)... The next morning A was sick in his stomach, just the day we were going to leave Hampi.

We still left Hampi that night and before leaving, at last, we went to Mango Tree restaurant which was advised by Dorion. We could not go other nights because the boat men kept saying that the last boat is at 5PM when actually it was at 6:30PM, and the restaurant was at the other side, just by the river, really nice... Of course my poor A could not eat anything other than some bananas and I had a good thali, feeling a bit guilty since my love could not eat; he was laying down, feeling sick. Then we went to the train station to take the train to Bangalore. Katherine was also there to take the same train. A began feeling more and more sick... When we got to the train, he was first a bit agitated when he saw the small beds and realized he could not be with me and then the men who were at our section wanted to eat before opening the middle beds and A was refusing to go to top bed and telling me I should go and rest and I was just trying to control the whole situation by telling him I am totally all right to stay up until they are done and he sould go up and lay down... I guess men are much more difficult then women when they are sick :) ... At last, all was settled. The train got to Bangalore early morning. We went to bus station and took a local bus (!) to Tiruvannamalai ... The bus was totally full, with some people sitting or standing in the middle. We were the only Westerners in it but it went right to the destination with few stops, once to have short toilet break and other times to pick up passengers. It was tight space but it was all right... Of course a bit more difficult for A who was sick. Tiruvannamalai was no fun for me. We stayed in this hotel ( which was advised by someone) in the middle of industrial shops instead of staying where other Westerners stayed. We had to take a rickshaw in one day maybe 3-4 times between our hotel and this place where everything we wanted to see was ; to eat, to rest in the hotel, to see something, to eat again, to go back to hotel... Rickshaw drivers were not nice as usual, A was sick and I was not really into all this spiritual things that were in the town... I could not care less and I thought I was going nuts, I hit the point where I was panicking beyond reason, I had to get out! In my mind,I already began planning that maybe I should go back to Bangalore next morning with the first local bus and then to Mysore if A wanted to stay there. But he is so sensitive, he already felt that I was not willing to stay there more than one night. Also, I was looking to see how much it would take to take a cab to Auroville while he was sleeping but he came to see where I was instead and then asked me what I was asking to the man... So, he said okey we go next morning early, no need to take local bus, we ask for the cab and see how much it costs... At the end, we arranged a cab for 8AM to leave the town. I was very much relieved. Yet, I have to admit that the Krishna Temple in Tiruvannamalai was beautiful and very very big, I think it is the biggest Krishna Temple in the South.

We arrived to Auroville in couple of hours that morning. Our guest house in the middle of jungle, really nice. It was Pongal festival; therefore, everything was closed; the information center, the solar kitchen etc... A was still sick. We got a cab and went to Pundicherry to a nice French restaurant. He could eat at this point. But next day he was sick again and this time, he agreed to go to a doctor. The doctor prescribed him some antibiotics. He was getting better each day but then Sunday night we both got sick from our stomachs and had we both threw up... The next day I could still get up and go for yoga, A would not let me go alone, he wanted to drive me to practice. I wanted him to rest instead but it was actually good that he came because the place we thought Monica was teaching was not correct and we had to search for the place for sometime. I am sure if I were alone, I would not be able to find it. The next day, A also began coming to classes. Monica's place is really nice, beautiful. She is as a teacher very strict ashtangi, for me it is a bit too much since I have been studying with teachers like Rolf&Marci and Richard who incorporate Iyengar approach when needed. We are here until next Friday and then to Mysore. Auroville is beautiful and convenient for Westerners. There is this beautiful meditation center called Matrimandir which is a golden ball. We still could not go in yet because there is a bit of procedure to get in, watching a video, info session and then need to book 2 days a head every time when you want to go for meditation., This is for me a bit bizarre... It is good to have an orientation session before hand but needing to call 2 days in advance each time when one wants meditate makes it a bit unavailable as a mediation center... For me, it is the doll of the Auroville where you see it from outside...

Over all, I have to admit that I see a lot about myself in this journey and I get a good reality check. I say I love India but when I am faced with situations which are totally away from my Western ways, I still have hard time. It is good to be in Pune, Goa, Mysore... all these places where there are basic Western standards available and where I know my way around... but then when I am faced with new places new situations, I can freak out... and also I see myself in a relationship. This time, India trip is totally different. Showing how much I have grown up, matured up and how much more I still need to work...

Goa as it is and some more

It has been more than two weeks since I arrived to Goa. It is again not the same... I am happy to be here in Goa, happy to be with my teachers and my friends... The new shala is much better than last year in my opinion, one room, bigger and more walls to practice on. My practice has been a bit back wards in some ways since in Boulder we were not doing our usual practice and also Marci is much more precise with somethings then Richard was. For instance, downdog with bend elbows, elbows looking to the back of the room... so surya namaskars were killers the first couple of weeks... I guess little by little the strength is coming back, although monday morning Marci put a block in between my elbows during drop backs because she thinks that my arms not strong enough to stay square... sometimes it feels like it is never good enough... well with a block between the elbows I can go down only so far and then I feel like I will drop on my head. It feels like circus... can you go down with a jug on your forehead? Well enough of complaining. Since Tuesday I am beginning at 5 AM, first shift... It is good to finish earlier and sometimes it is a bit intense to be waking up so early :P

I also went to Cuckoo on Monday and also today, the Taiwanese doctor here. I have met him in Istanbul many years ago, he is a good one. I went for my knee. He said that I am confusing, that it is not the knee but my hormones. Holding too many emotions there, he said and the energy line goes through the inside of the leg and so also where I have the knee pain. They did cupping, acupuncture and then I am given a tea for cleansing, then some pills, they are lotus something, and then calcium. Also no sugar! Fruit is okey for God's sake, also good quality honey but I am not keen on honey anyways... Unfortunately no more of those Goan sweets I like which are made with jaggery and coconuts, one is pinnag, the other is dodol...

What else... there are some more happenings and also very nice people this time. Getting together for food and drinks...

How can I forget to mention suite 50?

Well I forgot to mention suite 50, or cadaver lab. which we went for the anatomy part of the intensive... That was a whole another experience with many levels in itself. First and most it showed me what this body is, what this body becomes... It was not so easy for me, especially the first time but I stayed both times. Besides the obvious teaching of what this body becomes, it was also very educational in terms of anatomy. Of course when you see the real deal, it sticks to your mind much better! and how amazingly we are layered inside, so meticulously.. layers of meat, bones, skin, fat, tissue, the internals... they were all out there on the table. A practice in itself...

Reflections before leaving Boulder...

The whole month passed so quickly... I was scared the first morning when I was walking down to Yoga Workshop... I did not know what to expect, I was intimidated... But as it was intense (well it was an intensive...), it brought more ease within me. Both Richard and Mary were wonderful... Mary motherede us all, she was so patient with us and she was so giving and also a very good teacher! Richard's intelligence, knowledge, passion for investigation but also compassion for all of us have been so inspiring. In normal terms, I would be intimidated in the presence of such a person like Richard but I was not because Richard was also so humorous, and he was also so easy about the whole, "this is nothing, all is nothing, thank you for nothing..." and his understanding about not knowing and his constant encouragement to be intelligent, to investigate and his sarcasm... We, the students, were all 100% attention, trying to absorb as much as we can. I, personally got a lot from this experience in all levels... Asana practice gave a whole new perspective to my own practice, to the approach to the form and also to teaching... The philosophy talks were eye opener, and now I am more encouraged than ever to be curious, to learn more about the whole philosophy behind yoga practice and also Vedanta and Buddhist traditions. For this reason, I am travelling with all my books to India to re-read what we have already read and read what I could not read from the homework and listen to Richard's talks (thanks to Sasha who recorded all of them!)... Then, of course the meditations... It was a good beginning for me towards what I have been contemplating about for a year. I have been wanting to do a Vipassana for a year, I have been doing Osho meditatiopns which are all wonderful as well, but I have been wanting to sit for a period of time, and watch all that is in my head... Therefore, the meditation sessions we had at Shambala center, Jules, who shared his experience, knowledge and insight to meditation, have been all an encouragement, and also indicated me that my desire was in place... Well, also something which is important for me came out from those times we sat on our cushions. I have been in doubt about having my Osho sanyas name "Maya" for a year... After the last time I was in Pune, the time I did the 3 month long work as meditation program, I was not so eager to be associated with the Osho community... I have nothing against Osho, I love him, he speaks to my heart... but my life style, my interest in yoga, my discomfort with men's approach to women in the community and the stereotype sanyas image have been indicating me that I need to shed some stuff. Soo the clarity came during the weekend meditation retreat... I realized I do not need to change my name to show my dedication to meditation, I just need to sit and watch. Changing one's name can be a powerful experience, a new beginning, and at the time when I changed my name it was an important period in my life also; however, now I see that who is sitting in that cushion is not someone else, it is me... and it is all empty, whatever name you give it to, it does not matter... Ahu, Maya, Ganesh, Beautiful flower, etc... it is all nothing and everything... and I do not need to change names to get closer to what I am seeking, what am yearning for, I just have to investigate, be intelligent, not go into lethargy but be passionate, be excited and look deeply into whatever I want to know... so to simplify things I decided to go back to my name Ahu... This was such a big relief for me... and it is such a small detail also :)
Now I am at the airport... My journey is long, very long. In an half hour, I will be flying to Chicago, then to London, from London to Mumbai and then to Goa! The housing situation in Goa went awry due to double booking they have done at the place I booked. So, after a wee,k I have no place, but hopefully I will figure out once I get there. WEll, time to wrap up for me... gotta fly!!!

Short one

I have not been very chatty lately primarily because of the training. It is full on. Last week was intense, and we were all tired by Friday. Tuesday we went to cadaver lab for anatomy class. That was intense for me; on the other hand, seeing all the muscles, bones etc. in real is very effective to learn. Readings have been many and I am behind a little. This weekend, both days, we were meditating at Shambla center from 9:30 AM till 5:30 PM. This was intense on my knees, especially on the left. Then it snowed again, but I have a feeling that it will not stay long. Tomorrow is a new week! Lets see what it has to offer...

It has been more than two weeks since I have been in Boulder. Even though it is a university town and every coffee shop has wireless internet connection, there is no internet cafes. So, my first week, I used Naropa university library computers once thanks to Shane. He gave me a grand tout of the university and also sorted me with the bus system... Then, a week later before the course began, lovely Bethan arrived, she is also staying in the same house with me so I had the opportunity to read my emails from her computer. And now, I got a mini... well... I thought about it and thought it would be too much to buy a mini computer but then Bethan was smart enough to suggest that I can sell it before I leave India to someone who would like to be connected while traveling, or sell it at home... So, I got this mini HP today... It is really light and it does all I need...
Of course the real news is not me owning another electronics device.... It is the training.... So far cannot be any better... Richard is a river of knowledge, he is amazing me everyday more and more with his knowledge and his attitude, his personality and his humor.... Also, Mary is wonderful, really soft, caring but also really but really grounded, strong personality (she makes me wish that when I reach her age I can also reach her state of being... if this sounds strange it is because I donnu how to quiet say this I guess)

The training is asana practice which goes slowly through primary series, meditation, chanting in sanskrit, philosophy, and sometimes more asana to talk over adjustments and anatomy... learning correct adjustments, what not to touch, pull, push in someones body. I have to say some differences from previous teachings I had, so I am glad to learn more corrects ways of adjusting... The chanting part makes me feel like I am in Mysore. Richard's sanskrit is really good, and also his chanting is really good... ohh then the philosophy talks are just making me wonder how all this knowledge accumulated in one person, and is there any possibility I can reach that level in this life time? I feel like not really possible for me, but that is not the point really anyways, we are who we are... Then the meditation part. We meditate everyday after asana practice, and the time of meditation is getting longer slowly and then Wednesdays are hour and a half meditation at the Shambala center, which is a Tibetan Buddhist Center. We had our first session at the center this Wednesday and Jillian who is a Tibetan translator for the Lamas visiting the States and who also practices at the Yoga Workshop introduced us to the method of the meditation they practice.

I am thinking more and more that I need to spend more time in Boulder. I am thinking maybe rolfing... and that would be a great way of learning much much more about anatomy... and also studying Sanskrit somewhere. I think I come back here next spring, and maybe for a year... I see... everything will shape in its own time and way. It is hard to tell what will come up in the next months and I have to learn to pace myself instead of getting too excited and anxious.

Today is Sunday. BEthean and I walked in the morning to the shala for Richard's foundation and form class but he was not teaching it, De was subbing for him and I have already done it with her, so we came back home. I really want to do this class with him, I hope he teaches it next Sunday. But this afternoon is Mysore with him! And tomorrow, we go on full schedule again. Tuesday is our first cadaver lab visit, kind of nervous about it.

A Week

So, I practice with Peter and his group of students for a week. Nice group of people, very peaceful energy, and Peter’s presence as a teacher is also very good. It was good for me to begin practicing with others again. I see that I get nervous practicing with others after such long time of alone practice; I realize this mostly during standing postures, it takes me much longer to get grounded… specially utthita hasta padangusthasana becomes difficult.. The mind, wandering mind gets you out of balance ☺ Over all, it was very motivating as usual to practice with other students. Being in my friend’s class was very nice as well. I also feel good if any of my students decides to continue Mysore classes with Peter because I know that he will be a good teacher to them. I actually feel lucky for his presence, dedicated students will find their way to him and he is a good friend, what more I can ask for? Maybe this is not very sound in business perspective but I guess I will never make sense in business terms in yoga... what to do...

What else…. Himmm a week is left for me to take off to Boulder. But more than excitement, I have a bit of anxiety…. a bit of resentment… which I do not want to carry around. I will see what I do… I met with my beloved body this noon, it was really good to be with her, talk to her…

nice surprises...

So, the last class was very nice. There were people who were not showing up for a while also. At the end of the class, some of my students gave me gifts! A group of them made a very cute Ashtangi genie post card and attached a nice silver needle on it; another one gave me silver earrings; and another brought me a book by Walt Whitman, “Laws of Creations”. I was not expecting this much… Actually I was not even expecting more then few people showing up for the class, so this was a nice surprise. Afterwards, I had coffee with few of them and chatted for a while. That was also lovely.

The rest of Sunday was pretty much about organizing stuff in my apartment: Storing the clothes I will be leaving and at the same time, already trying to figure out what to bring with me to such journey. All the places I am going requires different type of clothing; Colorado will be cold, next is Goa which is not real India, mostly beach clothing, then Mysore, it is hot but a real Indian city, therefore requires more conservative clothing, then who knows what is next ☺. So, I was going round and round in my apartment…

Then, in the evening, when I was checking my emails I saw that I got another nice surprise. P. emailed to congratulate for earning a vacation/travel time and to invite me to practice in his Mysore class this week. This is such a nice, thoughtful gift. I was so happy, so of course, this morning I already showed up! And it was great! I had a good, warm practice, sweated much more than I usually do alone. P.’s presence was very nice as a teacher and all the students were focused on their practice. Very nice group. I enjoyed practicing with them very much. Practicing with other people is always much better for me. Also, I realized that I was in the same room where I began yoga and then Ashtanga yoga after a long while….

Today I also had to go to my dentist. What happened in Mysore last year happened again but luckily, this time it happened not right after I left but right before I left. The crown of one of my root canals broke. My dentist made the diagnosis that I should be squeezing my chaw for this to be happening all the time. Therefore, he is also making me a thing to wear at nights on my teeth to prevent me squeezing the chaw : S

Last class of the year...

Last night two of my high school friends came for dinner. It was really nice to have the girls. I don’t why I don’t get together with them more often, it really felt home. Of course we know each other from very young and we were boarding students together, so we have this bond which is very deep. We had nice chat, some food I have prepared and two of us had a bottle of white. As most of the time, while drinking, it is good, tasty etc. but the next morning, I feel so dehydrated and bloated and hungry every half hour (!?) Thank God I don’t drink as I used to anymore! Now, it is only maybe a glass every other week and more than one glass like last night is pretty rare…

Of course, I woke up at 6AM this morning, even though I was in bed after 12AM. The alcohol does not let me sleep much… so what I did at 6AM on this Saturday morning was reading children’s version of Ramayana ☺. I just finished reading Ka finally. It was a very good book but not an easy read… so it took me a while. There are so many books to read… now I am reading one of the versions of the Bhagavad Gita Richard listed in the reading list. They will be giving us another version during the training…

What else… ? Tomorrow is my last class of the year. I hope it will be a nice one like one of those Sundays where the energy in the room is really harmonies and fluid. I hope I was some help to the students who came to the classes. I tried to share whatever I know… I am aware that I am at the very beginning of all… I tired to be open and giving and also I tried to learn from them as much as they were learning from me… I am not sure what will happen when I come back. I have a feeling things will go differently… where to teach and all… Here is not much space/acceptance for Ashtanga. Things are becoming more and more concentrated in Anusara at the studio. So be it; I have no problem with this, I just don’t have any training or interest in that style. I just might need to find a place for myself to teach and that might be the best thing that ever happened! Well, there is so much till then, so much will happen within me and out there, I will change with all the things ahead me and who knows where I will end up, how I will end up... no need to spend much energy on all this. I just want to get things done that I need to get done before I leave...

I also met with K. the Rolfer in the afternoon. We went on talking about alllllll sorts of things since I had much to tell and he always has much to say… It was nice, and hopefully I will see him before I leave or I will see him in Goa.

moment

Last night I woke up just before 12AM with the feeling of as if I have slept the whole night… it was not convenient… I tried to go back to sleep but it took a while and of course, in the morning, it took me a while to get up. I passed out for extra half an hour before I realized this and had an “OMG I should get up and practice” moment… One thing that kept me up and kept me dwelling on was this experience I had yesterday during meditating. In the middle of my meditation (I guess) I got to the point where I was just in the moment, feeling very neutral and total, just really being in the moment, witnessing… I have experienced this before in previous times, but I tend to crowd it with thoughts rapidly. This time, I let the thoughts pass by from over my head, not letting them touch… and then I realized the fear. It was such a moment that there was no time, just the moment and I could stay there forever and not knowing how long I was there, eternity... and then of course, I would disappear ( I guess?)… Consequently, there was the fear of disappearing because of course I wanted to go to Boulder for the TT and then to India and on and on; I did not want to vanish. I don’t know if I make any sense… but next time, if I can get to this state again, I hope to relax in it even more… maybe this experience I had was the reason why I was up so early feeling like if I have slept the whole night, maybe it provided me a good rest…

About the practice? After Richard, the practice feels different, more fluid and also strong… Even 2 days with him made a difference in my practice and teaching, I cannot imagine what will happen in four weeks with him!!! Tomorrow and Sunday are my last classes to teach for this year… Then I will be getting ready; I will be getting my house together for the person who is renting it, I will be applying for Indian Visa, which I need before I go to the States… and I will be spending time with some friends and my family… I had breakfast with my POL body this morning, we are so similar no wonder we were bodies! I love her!

R. Freeman!

At the end, I decided to attend Richard Freeman’s workshop which is happening since this Friday evening. I am very happy that I have this opportunity of meeting him and studying him before I arrive to Boulder. And what was I thinking when I said I will not go to this workshop? I am so weird sometimes… I am in despair here about not having a teacher and then the teacher whose TT I will do in a month comes here and I hesitate about going to the workshop? It just does not make sense! Last night, after the first session I was so high with excitement, with inspiration… Richard is great; he is so humorous and full of information. I was expecting him to be teaching Ashtanga with an Iyengar approach but this is not the case… He is very different… yes, there is alignment of course but the emphasizes on the internals of the practice, drishti, bandhas, ujjai breath, as the key… the central axis, the nectar, and releasing the palate with an ‘Aaaa”… ohh I am so excited… there is so much to learn from him! This workshop has been great for me for getting familiar with his teaching and also as I have told a friend, I realize that every opportunity of studying with him is a blessing!

At last...

Ohh yeah I did it at last, went through a Chriz Chavez treatment this morning. The funny thing is that I didn’t have to think much. By this I mean the following: I was out last night until after 1AM (with my POL friends )which is something I rarely do and then I woke up at 10 past 10 AM which is something I rarely do and then I just threw myself out of the bed and out of the door to go to Chris Chavez’s Anusara Yoga class which is something I never do…! Well, I just had to experience this to get rid of the curiosity of C.C. about whom so many people has been talking about… Yeah, from the beginning till the end of the class what I feared happened, there was here and there “Maya this Maya that, Maya do this Maya do that" kept coming out of him. First, it was “ Maya, see that tattoo on your left shoulder how bright it is? I want your lips to be as bright as your tattoo, smile!!!!” then again, smile!… then spread the feet hip distance in uttanasana, tadasana (well I got that after two times). Then the first demonstration and who he picks is “MAYA! Come to down dog and throw your hips like a ball over your shoulders”!!! yeah exactly what I have been struggling over for year and a half! How does he picks on that is something to appreciate! And he made me do that for 5-6-7 times as Marci was doing during my last month in Goa. And then coming to hand stand… it was fine and then we worked with partners. Before the class began, I placed myself in a safe spot, next to Yigit who is one of the new graduates of the teacher training; I know him and like him, so it was good to be partners with him. As I practiced with Y jumping up with two legs, I realized that I am going forward enough to coming to handstands, whereas I always thought that I was way far away… At one point, Chris made us also do opening the legs and rotating them around and then lifting left hand first and then the right hand. Then, we went on with other stuff until coming to back bends…! With back bends a different approach with arms, he wants students to open the hands almost as wide as the mat. I go for hands as wide as my shoulders which is the way Marci teaches us. Then again he made me come up and then wanted me to drop back with open arms which I did… he thinks this way is more opening the heart but I do with arms up then reaching up and backwards and I think with arms floating on the sides would be a bit too much for a beginner and they can lend on top of their heads instead of their hands… then he again made me come up with floating arms on the side... that was alright for me. But he was not satisfied he said “she is already too open it was not as dramatic so I will show on someone else...” Therefore, with two other people he demonstrated, and one was this big basketball player and that did not look so great to me, he wants people to come to the toes, lifting the heels to come up which is exact opposite of what Marci wants you to do. She gets so mad when you lift the heels; as a result, I had to learn not throwing myself up and lifting the heels for which now I am grateful to Marci because much more stable way of coming up and stronger legs…

I can say he really makes people high, he knows good anatomy, he knows what he teaches very well, he is a good person… On the other hand, for me, his class was too much exposure and I am just out of ‘Path of Love’ for God’s sake… and then too much talking, pointing people out, too much yeah you can do it… and with the smiling thing… sorry but a bit giirrrr…. He went on most of the time with stuff like Maya is this and that, and I have been feeling just the opposite actually, very weak for the last week and he sees through this and so, he points out what you are struggling with right away but in an opposite light… However, I was uncomfortable with all the cheering because I know my ego would love, would totally love it but what I long for is not satisfying my ego but being me, just pure me with no illusions around it (ha! Wow! My sannyas name had to mean something; for the first time , now I see that this is perhaps why I became to be renamed as Maya...! I guess I should be thankful to Chris for showing me this)

Yet, I am happy that I went to his class, so now I know what it is like. And once in every six months or even once a year of Chriz Chaves seems enough for me ☺. I really love silent practice and this is not because I am super serious but because I need to internalize to get grounded. The main reason I practice is to be grounded to this world. And the most important point for me is being able to do something not when Chris is cheering and helping me but when I am alone, by myself, with my self-knowledge knowing that I can do it or discovering that I can do it and doing it. OF course I am not undermining his help, he shows people that their capacity is beyond what they believe it to be and that is really helpful… but for me, the bottom line is I gotta do it myself. And perhaps that is my weakest and strongest side; don’t like to ask for help, can’t ask for help and also trying to learn standing firm on my own feet…

P.S. I watched an interview with B.K.S Iyengar on Youtube yesterday. At the end, the interviewer asked if his ego was being pumped by being Mr. Iyengar, the person who had the biggest role in having yoga spread to the West, receiving so much recognition, respect, love... His answer was “I am grateful to God in Yoga, that they are punishing me, this way I am happy to get some injuries now and then so I become quiet. I am happy that something comes to me so I can devote my time more and more to my practice and be free from this egoistic cult” . His answer is a great teaching. I understand more and more… (I cannot post the interview here since I can get to youtube from sideways due to it is being banned by Turkish Government… )

Dilemma or not

I have a dilemma…. Okey before my dilemma I have other things to write about…. Right after I came back from Path of Love. it was a religious holiday here so not many people at all. Sunday the usual suspects came to the practice but then Monday and Tuesday they all slacked… A was still here when I came back. Monday he was the only person who came to class and we kept talking for a long time and at the end, he decided not to practice… then he left the next day for India! Very exciting.

I cannot wait to be in India either. My next journey is getting closer, only one month left for me to leave! Ohh my God! Exactly one month later I will be taking off for another one. I am trying to have no expectations… really, trying to have it blank, so I am not disappointed with myself or others or with stuff…. But of course it is not easy… well I am still excited but trying to keep it at that. Well there are things to do before I leave so I will begin focusing on them systematically.

What else…. My practice is okey… a bit less power but then handstand practices feel good… I am not sure what to thing about my practice anymore… and then the dilemma: should I try out this Anusara teacher’s class? I am so not wanting… and so, it will be forcing myself to do something I do not want to do but then a. I am curious b. I am scared, but why? What am I avoiding? Maybe nothing maybe I am just dreading to be forced to do stuff I feel like I cannot do. Then I already have my practice which I am happy with and I am not so interested in trying out everything out there. Does this make me narrow minded or someone who likes to focus? ohh I will see how I feel on the weekend. If I have an intention I will go… if not, it will be just fine because it will be my choice.

Okay… how am I feeling after Path of Love? I am feeling good. Better sleep. Meditation everyday, which I enjoy, and have the urge everyday… Reading KA which is not an easy book to read… also reading some poetry and sometimes writing too… a bit unsocial with other people, who has not done the process. that

Back from Path of Love

Yes! Back from Path of Love and I am amazed! It was a wonderful journey! I am so glad I have done it. This will be a blessing for me in my present and future… I feel funny about all the frustration and excuses I had before doing it, because it was worth everything I have given to it! I feel like words cannot describe… but what I can say is that it is an honest work on yourself! If you truly dare to open your heart, just go for it! It was not easy at all but somehow you commit and go through it and the outcome is you will see…

Well, this morning was my first practice in a week but since I was physically active all week long, it was okay. I was in a nice steady pace. It felt good to be on my mat. I did only primary and it is Friday anyways but uuppps today is a moonday! Well it is new moon and I took it slowly…

This morning I had coffee for the firs time in 3 weeks and I am so shaky now. I am literally shaking, my mind is too overwhelmed. I guess I should have begun with decaf. Uhhh, well tomorrow will be decaf because I still love the taste.