How can I forget to mention suite 50?

Well I forgot to mention suite 50, or cadaver lab. which we went for the anatomy part of the intensive... That was a whole another experience with many levels in itself. First and most it showed me what this body is, what this body becomes... It was not so easy for me, especially the first time but I stayed both times. Besides the obvious teaching of what this body becomes, it was also very educational in terms of anatomy. Of course when you see the real deal, it sticks to your mind much better! and how amazingly we are layered inside, so meticulously.. layers of meat, bones, skin, fat, tissue, the internals... they were all out there on the table. A practice in itself...

Reflections before leaving Boulder...

The whole month passed so quickly... I was scared the first morning when I was walking down to Yoga Workshop... I did not know what to expect, I was intimidated... But as it was intense (well it was an intensive...), it brought more ease within me. Both Richard and Mary were wonderful... Mary motherede us all, she was so patient with us and she was so giving and also a very good teacher! Richard's intelligence, knowledge, passion for investigation but also compassion for all of us have been so inspiring. In normal terms, I would be intimidated in the presence of such a person like Richard but I was not because Richard was also so humorous, and he was also so easy about the whole, "this is nothing, all is nothing, thank you for nothing..." and his understanding about not knowing and his constant encouragement to be intelligent, to investigate and his sarcasm... We, the students, were all 100% attention, trying to absorb as much as we can. I, personally got a lot from this experience in all levels... Asana practice gave a whole new perspective to my own practice, to the approach to the form and also to teaching... The philosophy talks were eye opener, and now I am more encouraged than ever to be curious, to learn more about the whole philosophy behind yoga practice and also Vedanta and Buddhist traditions. For this reason, I am travelling with all my books to India to re-read what we have already read and read what I could not read from the homework and listen to Richard's talks (thanks to Sasha who recorded all of them!)... Then, of course the meditations... It was a good beginning for me towards what I have been contemplating about for a year. I have been wanting to do a Vipassana for a year, I have been doing Osho meditatiopns which are all wonderful as well, but I have been wanting to sit for a period of time, and watch all that is in my head... Therefore, the meditation sessions we had at Shambala center, Jules, who shared his experience, knowledge and insight to meditation, have been all an encouragement, and also indicated me that my desire was in place... Well, also something which is important for me came out from those times we sat on our cushions. I have been in doubt about having my Osho sanyas name "Maya" for a year... After the last time I was in Pune, the time I did the 3 month long work as meditation program, I was not so eager to be associated with the Osho community... I have nothing against Osho, I love him, he speaks to my heart... but my life style, my interest in yoga, my discomfort with men's approach to women in the community and the stereotype sanyas image have been indicating me that I need to shed some stuff. Soo the clarity came during the weekend meditation retreat... I realized I do not need to change my name to show my dedication to meditation, I just need to sit and watch. Changing one's name can be a powerful experience, a new beginning, and at the time when I changed my name it was an important period in my life also; however, now I see that who is sitting in that cushion is not someone else, it is me... and it is all empty, whatever name you give it to, it does not matter... Ahu, Maya, Ganesh, Beautiful flower, etc... it is all nothing and everything... and I do not need to change names to get closer to what I am seeking, what am yearning for, I just have to investigate, be intelligent, not go into lethargy but be passionate, be excited and look deeply into whatever I want to know... so to simplify things I decided to go back to my name Ahu... This was such a big relief for me... and it is such a small detail also :)
Now I am at the airport... My journey is long, very long. In an half hour, I will be flying to Chicago, then to London, from London to Mumbai and then to Goa! The housing situation in Goa went awry due to double booking they have done at the place I booked. So, after a wee,k I have no place, but hopefully I will figure out once I get there. WEll, time to wrap up for me... gotta fly!!!

Short one

I have not been very chatty lately primarily because of the training. It is full on. Last week was intense, and we were all tired by Friday. Tuesday we went to cadaver lab for anatomy class. That was intense for me; on the other hand, seeing all the muscles, bones etc. in real is very effective to learn. Readings have been many and I am behind a little. This weekend, both days, we were meditating at Shambla center from 9:30 AM till 5:30 PM. This was intense on my knees, especially on the left. Then it snowed again, but I have a feeling that it will not stay long. Tomorrow is a new week! Lets see what it has to offer...

It has been more than two weeks since I have been in Boulder. Even though it is a university town and every coffee shop has wireless internet connection, there is no internet cafes. So, my first week, I used Naropa university library computers once thanks to Shane. He gave me a grand tout of the university and also sorted me with the bus system... Then, a week later before the course began, lovely Bethan arrived, she is also staying in the same house with me so I had the opportunity to read my emails from her computer. And now, I got a mini... well... I thought about it and thought it would be too much to buy a mini computer but then Bethan was smart enough to suggest that I can sell it before I leave India to someone who would like to be connected while traveling, or sell it at home... So, I got this mini HP today... It is really light and it does all I need...
Of course the real news is not me owning another electronics device.... It is the training.... So far cannot be any better... Richard is a river of knowledge, he is amazing me everyday more and more with his knowledge and his attitude, his personality and his humor.... Also, Mary is wonderful, really soft, caring but also really but really grounded, strong personality (she makes me wish that when I reach her age I can also reach her state of being... if this sounds strange it is because I donnu how to quiet say this I guess)

The training is asana practice which goes slowly through primary series, meditation, chanting in sanskrit, philosophy, and sometimes more asana to talk over adjustments and anatomy... learning correct adjustments, what not to touch, pull, push in someones body. I have to say some differences from previous teachings I had, so I am glad to learn more corrects ways of adjusting... The chanting part makes me feel like I am in Mysore. Richard's sanskrit is really good, and also his chanting is really good... ohh then the philosophy talks are just making me wonder how all this knowledge accumulated in one person, and is there any possibility I can reach that level in this life time? I feel like not really possible for me, but that is not the point really anyways, we are who we are... Then the meditation part. We meditate everyday after asana practice, and the time of meditation is getting longer slowly and then Wednesdays are hour and a half meditation at the Shambala center, which is a Tibetan Buddhist Center. We had our first session at the center this Wednesday and Jillian who is a Tibetan translator for the Lamas visiting the States and who also practices at the Yoga Workshop introduced us to the method of the meditation they practice.

I am thinking more and more that I need to spend more time in Boulder. I am thinking maybe rolfing... and that would be a great way of learning much much more about anatomy... and also studying Sanskrit somewhere. I think I come back here next spring, and maybe for a year... I see... everything will shape in its own time and way. It is hard to tell what will come up in the next months and I have to learn to pace myself instead of getting too excited and anxious.

Today is Sunday. BEthean and I walked in the morning to the shala for Richard's foundation and form class but he was not teaching it, De was subbing for him and I have already done it with her, so we came back home. I really want to do this class with him, I hope he teaches it next Sunday. But this afternoon is Mysore with him! And tomorrow, we go on full schedule again. Tuesday is our first cadaver lab visit, kind of nervous about it.

A Week

So, I practice with Peter and his group of students for a week. Nice group of people, very peaceful energy, and Peter’s presence as a teacher is also very good. It was good for me to begin practicing with others again. I see that I get nervous practicing with others after such long time of alone practice; I realize this mostly during standing postures, it takes me much longer to get grounded… specially utthita hasta padangusthasana becomes difficult.. The mind, wandering mind gets you out of balance ☺ Over all, it was very motivating as usual to practice with other students. Being in my friend’s class was very nice as well. I also feel good if any of my students decides to continue Mysore classes with Peter because I know that he will be a good teacher to them. I actually feel lucky for his presence, dedicated students will find their way to him and he is a good friend, what more I can ask for? Maybe this is not very sound in business perspective but I guess I will never make sense in business terms in yoga... what to do...

What else…. Himmm a week is left for me to take off to Boulder. But more than excitement, I have a bit of anxiety…. a bit of resentment… which I do not want to carry around. I will see what I do… I met with my beloved body this noon, it was really good to be with her, talk to her…

nice surprises...

So, the last class was very nice. There were people who were not showing up for a while also. At the end of the class, some of my students gave me gifts! A group of them made a very cute Ashtangi genie post card and attached a nice silver needle on it; another one gave me silver earrings; and another brought me a book by Walt Whitman, “Laws of Creations”. I was not expecting this much… Actually I was not even expecting more then few people showing up for the class, so this was a nice surprise. Afterwards, I had coffee with few of them and chatted for a while. That was also lovely.

The rest of Sunday was pretty much about organizing stuff in my apartment: Storing the clothes I will be leaving and at the same time, already trying to figure out what to bring with me to such journey. All the places I am going requires different type of clothing; Colorado will be cold, next is Goa which is not real India, mostly beach clothing, then Mysore, it is hot but a real Indian city, therefore requires more conservative clothing, then who knows what is next ☺. So, I was going round and round in my apartment…

Then, in the evening, when I was checking my emails I saw that I got another nice surprise. P. emailed to congratulate for earning a vacation/travel time and to invite me to practice in his Mysore class this week. This is such a nice, thoughtful gift. I was so happy, so of course, this morning I already showed up! And it was great! I had a good, warm practice, sweated much more than I usually do alone. P.’s presence was very nice as a teacher and all the students were focused on their practice. Very nice group. I enjoyed practicing with them very much. Practicing with other people is always much better for me. Also, I realized that I was in the same room where I began yoga and then Ashtanga yoga after a long while….

Today I also had to go to my dentist. What happened in Mysore last year happened again but luckily, this time it happened not right after I left but right before I left. The crown of one of my root canals broke. My dentist made the diagnosis that I should be squeezing my chaw for this to be happening all the time. Therefore, he is also making me a thing to wear at nights on my teeth to prevent me squeezing the chaw : S

Last class of the year...

Last night two of my high school friends came for dinner. It was really nice to have the girls. I don’t why I don’t get together with them more often, it really felt home. Of course we know each other from very young and we were boarding students together, so we have this bond which is very deep. We had nice chat, some food I have prepared and two of us had a bottle of white. As most of the time, while drinking, it is good, tasty etc. but the next morning, I feel so dehydrated and bloated and hungry every half hour (!?) Thank God I don’t drink as I used to anymore! Now, it is only maybe a glass every other week and more than one glass like last night is pretty rare…

Of course, I woke up at 6AM this morning, even though I was in bed after 12AM. The alcohol does not let me sleep much… so what I did at 6AM on this Saturday morning was reading children’s version of Ramayana ☺. I just finished reading Ka finally. It was a very good book but not an easy read… so it took me a while. There are so many books to read… now I am reading one of the versions of the Bhagavad Gita Richard listed in the reading list. They will be giving us another version during the training…

What else… ? Tomorrow is my last class of the year. I hope it will be a nice one like one of those Sundays where the energy in the room is really harmonies and fluid. I hope I was some help to the students who came to the classes. I tried to share whatever I know… I am aware that I am at the very beginning of all… I tired to be open and giving and also I tried to learn from them as much as they were learning from me… I am not sure what will happen when I come back. I have a feeling things will go differently… where to teach and all… Here is not much space/acceptance for Ashtanga. Things are becoming more and more concentrated in Anusara at the studio. So be it; I have no problem with this, I just don’t have any training or interest in that style. I just might need to find a place for myself to teach and that might be the best thing that ever happened! Well, there is so much till then, so much will happen within me and out there, I will change with all the things ahead me and who knows where I will end up, how I will end up... no need to spend much energy on all this. I just want to get things done that I need to get done before I leave...

I also met with K. the Rolfer in the afternoon. We went on talking about alllllll sorts of things since I had much to tell and he always has much to say… It was nice, and hopefully I will see him before I leave or I will see him in Goa.

moment

Last night I woke up just before 12AM with the feeling of as if I have slept the whole night… it was not convenient… I tried to go back to sleep but it took a while and of course, in the morning, it took me a while to get up. I passed out for extra half an hour before I realized this and had an “OMG I should get up and practice” moment… One thing that kept me up and kept me dwelling on was this experience I had yesterday during meditating. In the middle of my meditation (I guess) I got to the point where I was just in the moment, feeling very neutral and total, just really being in the moment, witnessing… I have experienced this before in previous times, but I tend to crowd it with thoughts rapidly. This time, I let the thoughts pass by from over my head, not letting them touch… and then I realized the fear. It was such a moment that there was no time, just the moment and I could stay there forever and not knowing how long I was there, eternity... and then of course, I would disappear ( I guess?)… Consequently, there was the fear of disappearing because of course I wanted to go to Boulder for the TT and then to India and on and on; I did not want to vanish. I don’t know if I make any sense… but next time, if I can get to this state again, I hope to relax in it even more… maybe this experience I had was the reason why I was up so early feeling like if I have slept the whole night, maybe it provided me a good rest…

About the practice? After Richard, the practice feels different, more fluid and also strong… Even 2 days with him made a difference in my practice and teaching, I cannot imagine what will happen in four weeks with him!!! Tomorrow and Sunday are my last classes to teach for this year… Then I will be getting ready; I will be getting my house together for the person who is renting it, I will be applying for Indian Visa, which I need before I go to the States… and I will be spending time with some friends and my family… I had breakfast with my POL body this morning, we are so similar no wonder we were bodies! I love her!

R. Freeman!

At the end, I decided to attend Richard Freeman’s workshop which is happening since this Friday evening. I am very happy that I have this opportunity of meeting him and studying him before I arrive to Boulder. And what was I thinking when I said I will not go to this workshop? I am so weird sometimes… I am in despair here about not having a teacher and then the teacher whose TT I will do in a month comes here and I hesitate about going to the workshop? It just does not make sense! Last night, after the first session I was so high with excitement, with inspiration… Richard is great; he is so humorous and full of information. I was expecting him to be teaching Ashtanga with an Iyengar approach but this is not the case… He is very different… yes, there is alignment of course but the emphasizes on the internals of the practice, drishti, bandhas, ujjai breath, as the key… the central axis, the nectar, and releasing the palate with an ‘Aaaa”… ohh I am so excited… there is so much to learn from him! This workshop has been great for me for getting familiar with his teaching and also as I have told a friend, I realize that every opportunity of studying with him is a blessing!

At last...

Ohh yeah I did it at last, went through a Chriz Chavez treatment this morning. The funny thing is that I didn’t have to think much. By this I mean the following: I was out last night until after 1AM (with my POL friends )which is something I rarely do and then I woke up at 10 past 10 AM which is something I rarely do and then I just threw myself out of the bed and out of the door to go to Chris Chavez’s Anusara Yoga class which is something I never do…! Well, I just had to experience this to get rid of the curiosity of C.C. about whom so many people has been talking about… Yeah, from the beginning till the end of the class what I feared happened, there was here and there “Maya this Maya that, Maya do this Maya do that" kept coming out of him. First, it was “ Maya, see that tattoo on your left shoulder how bright it is? I want your lips to be as bright as your tattoo, smile!!!!” then again, smile!… then spread the feet hip distance in uttanasana, tadasana (well I got that after two times). Then the first demonstration and who he picks is “MAYA! Come to down dog and throw your hips like a ball over your shoulders”!!! yeah exactly what I have been struggling over for year and a half! How does he picks on that is something to appreciate! And he made me do that for 5-6-7 times as Marci was doing during my last month in Goa. And then coming to hand stand… it was fine and then we worked with partners. Before the class began, I placed myself in a safe spot, next to Yigit who is one of the new graduates of the teacher training; I know him and like him, so it was good to be partners with him. As I practiced with Y jumping up with two legs, I realized that I am going forward enough to coming to handstands, whereas I always thought that I was way far away… At one point, Chris made us also do opening the legs and rotating them around and then lifting left hand first and then the right hand. Then, we went on with other stuff until coming to back bends…! With back bends a different approach with arms, he wants students to open the hands almost as wide as the mat. I go for hands as wide as my shoulders which is the way Marci teaches us. Then again he made me come up and then wanted me to drop back with open arms which I did… he thinks this way is more opening the heart but I do with arms up then reaching up and backwards and I think with arms floating on the sides would be a bit too much for a beginner and they can lend on top of their heads instead of their hands… then he again made me come up with floating arms on the side... that was alright for me. But he was not satisfied he said “she is already too open it was not as dramatic so I will show on someone else...” Therefore, with two other people he demonstrated, and one was this big basketball player and that did not look so great to me, he wants people to come to the toes, lifting the heels to come up which is exact opposite of what Marci wants you to do. She gets so mad when you lift the heels; as a result, I had to learn not throwing myself up and lifting the heels for which now I am grateful to Marci because much more stable way of coming up and stronger legs…

I can say he really makes people high, he knows good anatomy, he knows what he teaches very well, he is a good person… On the other hand, for me, his class was too much exposure and I am just out of ‘Path of Love’ for God’s sake… and then too much talking, pointing people out, too much yeah you can do it… and with the smiling thing… sorry but a bit giirrrr…. He went on most of the time with stuff like Maya is this and that, and I have been feeling just the opposite actually, very weak for the last week and he sees through this and so, he points out what you are struggling with right away but in an opposite light… However, I was uncomfortable with all the cheering because I know my ego would love, would totally love it but what I long for is not satisfying my ego but being me, just pure me with no illusions around it (ha! Wow! My sannyas name had to mean something; for the first time , now I see that this is perhaps why I became to be renamed as Maya...! I guess I should be thankful to Chris for showing me this)

Yet, I am happy that I went to his class, so now I know what it is like. And once in every six months or even once a year of Chriz Chaves seems enough for me ☺. I really love silent practice and this is not because I am super serious but because I need to internalize to get grounded. The main reason I practice is to be grounded to this world. And the most important point for me is being able to do something not when Chris is cheering and helping me but when I am alone, by myself, with my self-knowledge knowing that I can do it or discovering that I can do it and doing it. OF course I am not undermining his help, he shows people that their capacity is beyond what they believe it to be and that is really helpful… but for me, the bottom line is I gotta do it myself. And perhaps that is my weakest and strongest side; don’t like to ask for help, can’t ask for help and also trying to learn standing firm on my own feet…

P.S. I watched an interview with B.K.S Iyengar on Youtube yesterday. At the end, the interviewer asked if his ego was being pumped by being Mr. Iyengar, the person who had the biggest role in having yoga spread to the West, receiving so much recognition, respect, love... His answer was “I am grateful to God in Yoga, that they are punishing me, this way I am happy to get some injuries now and then so I become quiet. I am happy that something comes to me so I can devote my time more and more to my practice and be free from this egoistic cult” . His answer is a great teaching. I understand more and more… (I cannot post the interview here since I can get to youtube from sideways due to it is being banned by Turkish Government… )

Dilemma or not

I have a dilemma…. Okey before my dilemma I have other things to write about…. Right after I came back from Path of Love. it was a religious holiday here so not many people at all. Sunday the usual suspects came to the practice but then Monday and Tuesday they all slacked… A was still here when I came back. Monday he was the only person who came to class and we kept talking for a long time and at the end, he decided not to practice… then he left the next day for India! Very exciting.

I cannot wait to be in India either. My next journey is getting closer, only one month left for me to leave! Ohh my God! Exactly one month later I will be taking off for another one. I am trying to have no expectations… really, trying to have it blank, so I am not disappointed with myself or others or with stuff…. But of course it is not easy… well I am still excited but trying to keep it at that. Well there are things to do before I leave so I will begin focusing on them systematically.

What else…. My practice is okey… a bit less power but then handstand practices feel good… I am not sure what to thing about my practice anymore… and then the dilemma: should I try out this Anusara teacher’s class? I am so not wanting… and so, it will be forcing myself to do something I do not want to do but then a. I am curious b. I am scared, but why? What am I avoiding? Maybe nothing maybe I am just dreading to be forced to do stuff I feel like I cannot do. Then I already have my practice which I am happy with and I am not so interested in trying out everything out there. Does this make me narrow minded or someone who likes to focus? ohh I will see how I feel on the weekend. If I have an intention I will go… if not, it will be just fine because it will be my choice.

Okay… how am I feeling after Path of Love? I am feeling good. Better sleep. Meditation everyday, which I enjoy, and have the urge everyday… Reading KA which is not an easy book to read… also reading some poetry and sometimes writing too… a bit unsocial with other people, who has not done the process. that

Back from Path of Love

Yes! Back from Path of Love and I am amazed! It was a wonderful journey! I am so glad I have done it. This will be a blessing for me in my present and future… I feel funny about all the frustration and excuses I had before doing it, because it was worth everything I have given to it! I feel like words cannot describe… but what I can say is that it is an honest work on yourself! If you truly dare to open your heart, just go for it! It was not easy at all but somehow you commit and go through it and the outcome is you will see…

Well, this morning was my first practice in a week but since I was physically active all week long, it was okay. I was in a nice steady pace. It felt good to be on my mat. I did only primary and it is Friday anyways but uuppps today is a moonday! Well it is new moon and I took it slowly…

This morning I had coffee for the firs time in 3 weeks and I am so shaky now. I am literally shaking, my mind is too overwhelmed. I guess I should have begun with decaf. Uhhh, well tomorrow will be decaf because I still love the taste.

Almost POL

Tomorrow afternoon POL begins… I mean Path of Love. I donnu what to expect anymore. I have been frustrated with myself about getting myself into this… I have been thinking “ohh what are they gonna make us do? I don’t believe in this, how can things change in 6 days???… blablabla… Ohh well, I did sign up for it tough, so I better go with it. Dad used to say that one should finish what they begin, not to leave things half way through… Maybe signing up was not really half way through but it was a beginning and I guess it is better to be done with it. Then I will not keep hearing about it and wonder whether I should do it or not…

Well, about this week, about the practice… It was an okay week… the practice was mostly good except on Wednesday morning. Wednesday I was tired, heavy, all the usual excuses for not having a good practice. But I have been good and never skipped practicing handstands… Yes, I need to do them everyday even if it is only once.

The weather has been rainy all week long. It became cooler but the practice got sweater(?) the humidity I believe. With the classes… there is one guy who has been coming since Sunday morning… he has a wonderful practice, great energy… enjoyed his presence and I assume other students also. Then, there is a newbie who showed up on Tuesday, and he is doing great!

Yesterday was big rain all night long, which means as I was practicing ☺ … There is suppose to be a big rain tomorrow as well. I hope that won’t create problem for us to arrive to the venue where the POL will take place. I have to admit that one nice thing about this POl is silence for a week! I think that is what I love the most.

Well one last thing is the new movie by Tarontino, Inglourious Basterds. I went to see it with mom yesterday and it was really good. I recommend it.

Coffee Break

I am a bit low in moods. Perhaps it is part of the quitting coffee process. Yes, I am quitting coffee for Path of Love because during the process, we will not be allowed to drink coffee ☹ and I do not want to have the withdrawal when I am in the process! I am a bit rebellious about this because they let smokers have few cigarettes a day but not a cup of coffee to coffee drinkers in the morning!!!! Well, to tell the truth, I am fine with not having coffee for a while. It is perhaps good to detox from caffeine, it is just difficult with my early rising schedule. I stopped last Sunday, so I can have couple of weeks to get back to normal… but I have been drinking a cup of black tea in the mornings; however, this coming week, I will not even have that... Maybe green tea for the first couple of days…

Practice has been okay, maybe a bit heaviness… would that be due to no coffee I wonder? But also a bit weak maybe… I have been lazy with practicing hand stands and then on Wednesday, when I tried to press against the wall I could not do, which was something I had discovered that I could do after my castor oil bath a month ago… well, I got a bit obsessed, so I tried many times and at the end I managed to squeeze out one… but I wonder what was the reason that I could not do it all of a suddenly… not good bandhas that morning maybe… or not doing any handstands while on vacation… and then being lazy about them here…

Thursday afternoon I went to the island to see my parents who got back from their vacation on Lesvos Island! Since it was a moon day on Friday, I stayed over night. This time, I was really good to be in the island, very peaceful, quiet, and it was nice to see my parents after a long time. I also realize swimming is really good for my knee. The doctor also mentioned that when I saw him a month ago; he said that swimming increases the blood circulation, which is quite low over the bone area, and so it helps with the healing.

Well, one good news is I found housing in Boulder! That is very relieving. I was beginning to get nervous because I will be in isolation for a week during POL and what if something come up from the studio regarding housing, I would miss it again as it happened while I was on vacation and did not have internet access…. So that is sorted out and I also have a friend to rent my apartment for at least the last 3 months of my away time…

Now I am thinking of going to Yin Yoga…

Post weekend

I am very moody today, I guess it is the Path of Love nervousness or something… I am thinking now that 6 day process cannot do much… maybe will do a slight thing… maybe I will explode during POL, ha and they will all run out. But now I just want to be by myself.

Anyways… Yesterday, I was actually full power surprisingly after all the food I had during birthday. Birthday was okey… but I decided not to do such a party again here, I felt like a little kid. Maybe if I am away somewhere in India, I can be with friends, have a nice lunch… that would be lovely… sigh… I miss India so much. Actually I had enough of being here now, and now I think I don’t even want to come back… Ohh, I am so negative today and it is just the beginning of the week. Well, this morning I was very sleepy when I woke up and during the whole practice I was low energy as oppose to yesterday. The point is everything changes as I see in my practice from one morning to the other... so my thoughts will also change about being here and there, etc....

Then, I am getting all excited as I read Susananda’s blog about Sharath’s workshop in London, but there is still time for me to be in Mysore and who knows if Sharath will be there teaching… nobody.

Okey maybe I should not blog when I feel like this. I should sit back and read something and get my mind off the negativity… or sit with it and see which is more real as Suzuki asks, my problem or myself who is sitting? And what is my problem by the way? Well, complicated but: being here, not being strong with certain individuals, and being apologetic for being myself… uhhh