the mermaid

I am not grounded today…  I feel lots of fear without any reason…  it makes me want to give up everything in life.  I know this sounds so negative but this is how I feel.  I am such an impatient one, I want to see everything laid out in front of me, I want to be sure of what is ahead even though I know this is not possible even when I plan things carefully.  There are always changes, adjustments that come along with time. Before, I did not feel so much fear perhaps because I was the king of my own kingdom…  but now it is different and I am so scared of being hurt that I see that my paranoia can ruin things.  I don’t know how to be serene because all these unconscious old patterns are being awakened and they are bombarding my psyche.  During these times I feel as if nothing is helping me, not the asana, not the meditation, not the therapy, everything out the window and I am on my own with my fears… I suddenly lack trust in myself and in life, that things will be ok, I will be ok no matter what happens.  I forget that painful situations as well as beautiful ones take me wherever I need to be going.  I forget that this need to control things is not helpful but stressful for everyone... this goes on forever… but then I also see that perhaps because of these times, because of this tendency to be so ungrounded that I need such a physically challenging practice which brings me back to my body, back to this earth… 

As I think all these, I keep experimenting.  Just as I think no practice works, I sat on the cushion to see what will happen.…  It brings a bit calmness but that is not for certain each time, next time I might find myself in tears…  But reminding myself, over and over, that we are not separate, we are not all that different from each other and so learning to accept.  As I sat today, the little mermaid story came to my mind…  When I was a kid, each time I was told that story I sobbed; my heart went for the little mermaid… maybe I did associate with her and still does, afraid of becoming a foam in the sea…  So, not to become a foam in the sea, to stay in this body, I have to make sure to wake up for my asana practice tomorrow morning… just like this I have to keep practicing all day long, taming the body, taming the breath, taming the mind, taming the emotions… and then let whatever is suppose to happen, happen…