Saturday, June 28, 2008

As I grow...

My mind had been full of stuff the whole week. I have been preoccupied with thinking whether students come to class regularly or not, whether I want to be in Istanbul or somewhere else (like India) and then wanting to share my life with someone special and then again wanting to be alone. I have been oscillating from one end to another. I guess when one gives his/her heart to yoga, their life style begin to take shape differently from those around them. I just remembered what has been written on those shirts that featured Guruji on a bottle.
“Ashtanga - the magic elixir. But the hangover is a bitch. Side Effects may include: emotional breakdown, extreme fatigue, a feeling of personal growth that makes you wonder where you’re growing as you assess the damages and potential damages, an intense desire to give up your day job, a magnetic pull that seems to be originating from somewhere in Southern India, feelings of contentment, acceptance, and perhaps exhaustion that make you act a bit stoned most of the time, a desire to give up anything that doesn’t seem to compliment your yoga practice, an inability to relate to those who don’t do yoga, chocolate cravings, excessive coffee consumption, and pain. Rest up so you can drink up again tomorrow. But be sure to avoid heavy machinery.”
I have most of these side effects☺. Sometimes, I find myself questioning whether my life has became too monastic, then I say why do I judge myself or compare myself to others…I sometimes feel awfully lonely but afterward, I long to be alone. I am in bit of a fragile state and it is probably normal since I am going through a time of transformation and change; the way I perceive myself is changing, and then my responsibilities, both for myself and for others, are increasing… However, among all these, the most important fact is that I am doing something I totally love and give myself to, and the times I remember to remember this fact, all my anxieties dissolve... Imagine me working in a bank! I know it is not easy to picture this but it was a reality at one point in my life. A place which was so natural or desired by others was so not easy for me, I was totally lost. Yet, I was so lucky that through various trials, journeys, adventures and heart brakes, I also begin to find out the place which is very natural for me. Of course nothing happens instantaneously. Somehow it is very difficult for me become rooted, especially when the wander lust in me is so lively… Not having a place of my own, a place where I can create my own order as well as my own mess, is not easy. Then the awareness and unawareness of the fact that I am starting something which is very significant in my life is making me excited as well as freaking me and scaring me… Of course, here, the support of Zeynep and David is very significant for me. The thing is not only going in and teaching a class anymore, there is also marketing and promoting oneself, all that in which I am not very experienced… In this part of things, I can say that David is my teacher; he gives me valuable tips and advice.
All these are a kind of yoga. As we all know, yoga is not just all that binding and bending on a mat… How do we live our life, how we want to live our lives, what kind of life we want, whether we want to dedicate our lives to something or not, whether we want to have an aim for our lives or not, and what do we do to realize what we want from our lives…. I am learning to be patient, learning to have faith, most importantly to have faith in myself and then I am learning to have no fear and no fear of loosing my freedom. The effort for creating something flows together with the effort of creating myself…

Monday, June 23, 2008

As the week starts rolling...

Waking up this morning was not difficult… Actually, I woke up before my phone’s alarm went on… Some weeks, waking up so early is all right the whole time but some weeks I get weaker as days roll by. I have to take care, take rest if I will do this kind of schedule…
Practice was nice… I was present even when my mind wandered off some of the times. My mind is preoccupied with my next India trip already as I realized this morning… Well, also getting the newsletter from Rolf and Marci about their next season teaching schedule kind of triggered it I guess…. I was planning to go to Mysore first in mid October and then to Goa for R&M, and now I am not sure because they are doing a separate workshop in Brahmani, which I would love to attend. According to my last plans, I will be in Mysore at that time, but then changing my whole plans for one day workshop may be crazy… and who knows, they might do it again while I am there, in Goa. Also, I am tempted with their offer regarding someone helping them with stuff in exchange of studying with them, but that means 6 months commitment… himmm… I could but now maybe I cannot… wander lust me ☺…
This morning only 2 people showed up for practice. I am having commitment issues with my students. Okey, I do not have many many of them to begin with but I expect those who signed up monthly to show up at least 3 times a week!!! Hey guys, common, get out of the bed before 7 A.M., it is not so difficult once you are up and going! It makes such a difference when the room is more full, it is not only for those who practice but also for me, the energy level rises… then, much more fun for all…. Well, it is only Monday, so I cross my fingers that it will pick up as the week goes by.
On the other hand, I got to the shala a bit earlier this morning and until my first student showed up, I did pranayama and then took a looonnggg, nice shavasana which I really enjoyed!!!

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

A beginning

It has been more than a week since I began teaching Mysore classes. I am very lucky because I had students since the first day, maybe a couple or so some days but still, it is presence what matters as my friend Charisse says. Last Sunday, I also did a kind of info session for some of Zeynep’s Teacher Trainees and that was quite fun for me because I was telling them about what I love and enjoy the most. Of course, I also led them through some of the primary. I also got the Mysore style book and brought it with me for them to look at it at the end of the session.
This week I got 6 people who signed up monthly and there are few who drop in regularly. I know this is not much at all but I feel like it is a good beginning. I cannot believe that I am starting this, which had been my dream since I moved back to Istanbul from London. The thing is I never imagined it would be me who would do it, I just simply wished that there would be Mysore classes which I could go to… I guess Nancy Gilgoff had some insight because from the very first day she met me, she told me to open my own school. Yes, I teach at my friend’s place but they wanted me to be a shala in their shala, so I am actually separate from them… but I am so grateful to them because they forced me to realize my dream, kind of fulfilling my Saturn tapas. Hopefully it will go all rite and flourish.
With my own practice, it is okey. I am still with handstands and jumping into Bhakasana B and also trying to lift and take back with the jump backs but uhh is it ever possible and when ☹? Ohh and I wake up at 3:20 am to practice before teaching, is that insane or just being me?
Ohh, that Mysore style book is lovely, I was already fond of photography books and this one is all about... guess what!