Saturday, July 28, 2007

Ida Mountain

Last Monday, my sister, me and some friends, we all went to Ida mountain by Canakkale. I went up to mountain with few friends, my sister and others stayed down by the camping area. Initially, I was going to stay down as well but Defne, who is another yoga chick, convinced me to go up. The first night we stayed at the peak of the mountain, which was extremely windy. I hardly slept; still, with the sunrise, we woke up for practice! It was windy but it was not as cold as the night, so we could practice. I did my ashtanga practice, while Defne and Yasemin did another style which is called Gravity and Grace. Then we packed our tents and went for a long hike. It took longer than 3 hours probably and my Converses killed my feet, so I recommend not hiking with them! Where our hike ended, there was a small creek where we had our lunch and then we went into the extremely cold water! It was so great! I don’t think I could go into such cold water some years ago but I guess I am stronger now, so it was not so difficult to dip in and of course there was the fact that I did not have any other shower option ☺ . Afterwards, we went to our next camping area in the woods, which was not windy; therefore, the tent was not sticking to my head at night and I had a nice sleep. The next day after practice and breakfast, I took the lazy way and stayed in the camping area, reading and laying around. That was a great choice! In the afternoon, I did two small walks and then me and Yasemin took a shower with our bikinis by this spring which was 100 meters away from our camping area. The water was even colder since it was originating right there. We used a water bottle and my Mysore sandalwood soap to have our shower. The last day, I did a shorter practice, and after breakfast we packed and got back down. It was very nice to practice in the nature. Of course, having a bumpy, rocky ground is not optimal, however, energetically, it is really something else, especially compare to practicing at home amongst furniture. Also, it is so nice to sit before and after practice and listen to the nature. This mini vacation was really nice. All that cold water which we could also drink…
Now I am back to the city… It is hot and sticky. I taught a class yesterday which was a bit strange. Three people showed up, a daughter and a mother and their acquaintance. Before the class, the young girl interrogated me by asking my history of training, whether I was trained here, in Turkey or abroad, etc… Anyway, then I wanted to chant Om at the beginning of the class, this wthen the mother began laughing, which did not really bother me. I don’t expect everyone to enjoy it. But I guess she felt bad, so she apologized after class. Then the other lady had a back injury, which kind of made me anxious. But over all, at the end, they all seemed pleased with the class. That is what matters the most. My only concern is I get different people in every class, I wish same people would show up so I could help them move on with their practice. Hopefully it will happen slowly.

Sunday, July 22, 2007

Saturn...

I had my astro reading on Thursday and it was like a blow. Yes, he told me lots of good stuff as well but the main theme was the confusion which I am born into and that I am exactly in that same spot now due to my Saturn return, which actually does not end this month but ends in July 2008!!! He said the toughest part is over but the whole effect will end next year ☹ He told me that I need to make decision about what I want to do, where I want to live, all that… I panic now. I panic because I do not feel comfortable or confident with any of the decisions or I do not know how to make it a reality if I do make a certain decision… I know it all sounds confusing and heavy…well, this is the state of my being now, which I have to get out. He said that there is a lot of magic in my chart that is not activated and that I am acting like a pisces (moon in pisces) going with the flow instead of focusing. So, now I am panicking. I am panicking because if I do not get going it will get more difficult, I am panicking because I am afraid that I will make the wrong decision, etc…
Is there anyone else who panics after having an astrological reading and who gets depressed after a TT? Why am I unique in weirdest ways? I have to change my thinking patterns… Seriously… they certainly do not serve me.
By the way, practice is fine but I guess, the practice that I have to work on is in some other area than the one that I do at 6 am... It is to figure out how to prove myself to Saturn, to focus, to figure out who I am...

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

Looking better, feeling better...

This week has been treating my moods better than last week. Actually I guess it got all better by Friday last week. I thought my first class and I could see the tremendous difference in my teaching! It was very mood lifting, yeah! And then I thought Sunday’s gentle class and yes it went all good again! Hah, showed me that all TT was something more than confusing me in other ways such as what to practice, how to practice, all the noise in my head... Then during the led class with Eric, towards the end he divided the class in to two and had others go to finishing postures after Mari B while he had us continue until the end, and had me and this other girl practice until Parsva Dhanurasana and then he tried help me getting into back bends from hand stands again. This time was not as bad as the first time, I was not as disoriented, there was a bit more coordination on my part, but still did not get it ☺.
This week has been okey This morning I could n ot get up at 6am, I don’t know because I was lazy?! I got up at 7am and so I could only practice until Bhuja Pindasana because I had to be at the ghetto shala before 11 am to teach my non existing students over there. Yes, unfortunately, no one seems to come there at the moment. But then my other teacher friend, Demet, came and we did a Tias practice together. It was fun, I really enjoyed sharing what I learned. Then she took me to this only vegan place in Istanbul.
I will have my astro reading on Friday by this famous astologist, Gahl. I can hardly wait!

Thursday, July 12, 2007

All sorts of crises...

I realize it seems like I am always in some sort of crises but the reality is that I seem to be forgetting to write when I am in a good mood.
So, I came back from mountaintop of Santa Fe. Couple of days after I got back, I went to the south of Turkey, to the beach for 5 days with my sister. We were at this quiet, no frills, very simple place where they have wooden huts and tents that you can rent out. I woke up every morning at 6am to practice with another friend who did her own practice. The sun would just rise as we began our practice. Except biting ants, it was lovely! Also, I met very nice people…
Still, this little holiday did not make the transition to real life much easier, or maybe it did and I am not realizing, maybe it would be even worse. My friend from the training, Stephanie, was telling me that she was having trouble settling back and I was wondering what she was meaning… Yes, I was really curious and now I see for myself… But the thing is that my Saturn return just finished today! Yesterday was the last day of it according to astro.com and ain’t it suppose to get better? I was suppose to be depressed during Saturn return, not after! But I began crying last night and then today I could not even wake up for my practice and then after waking up I cried more and more. I just realize there are not much people here that I connect with. Even the few who seems to have something in common with me, now seems to have nothing in common. I just cannot have a true, heart to heart conversation with someone. For instance, when I try to share something from my practice such as having hard time with something, the response is “ohh I do it in every practice” while when the same person tells me about some asana she/he has trouble with, I try to encourage and try to give examples from my own experience… I try to be encouraging while they make me feel like crap. Then I just don’t understand how people get excited about just anyone, anything, they have no focus! I say I will go to Nancy Gilgoff workshop and they say “ohh I will come too, I should” when, just a minute ago, they were telling me that they think ashtanga is probably not a practice for them!?!? I just have to turn my switch off. I seem to be taking things too seriously...
I am having crises of faith as my astrology reading would say. I am having crises of style of practice, crises of not having enough energy, but most importantly crises of not having my teacher! I feel so much need for my teacherat the moment, and I mean Cary when I say my teacher. Sincerely, she still is the only teacher I can call as “my teacher”. And today I did not wake up to practice, and then I felt guilty of not practicing but then I resisted the urge to practice in midday and I insist to go on this day without practice, I had to suffer this day through, leaving my lonely mat laying on the floor. In the afternoon, I suddenly decided to call Cary. And I was lucky to reach her and we talked for the first time after I left Mysore, we talked more than 50 minutes. It was sooo good talking to her! I felt aligned. At last, I felt that someone can relate to me, someone knows where I am coming from and someone can tell me how to make sense out of all this. And this day, I decided that my practice was, is and will be ashtanga practice. This is the practice that makes sense to me, it is the practice where I truly learn what I am doing, where I observe myself, my heart, my mind, my body. People find it difficult, people say you injure yourself in ashtanga but I find it otherwise. One moves on as their time comes, you go step by step, when you are ready. Now, with all these other things, I find myself worrying, sweating about Pincha-Mayurasana but why? I am not there yet… I do not want to worry about Pincha-Mayurasana before I reach to it! I just got to second series, and there are so many other asanas before that or this and I have no teacher to lead me through it but I will lead myself as much as I can, this is the circumstance I am in and I have to handle it! I was lucky to go to a good teacher training, now I can lead my own practice and also work on my teaching… I will not be teaching ashtanga most of the time but my practice will be ashtanga even if that means practicing twice a day so I can prepare for my class in the second one… This is it, so I reveal!
One good thing is that I met this wonderful person two days ago. I used to know her just a little from years back, she was my sister’s friend, and then she left for Thailand and there she got into yoga... She had been working on her practice for some years now… So, we met the other day. It was as if I met a new person and I did not realize how the time passed, it was very peaceful. I experienced someone who understands what is yoga about, someone who has some kind of depth, and truth. Now, she has gone to Europe until the end of the month… But this proves that there are some people out there! Some hope. I truly need to find my community here. I know there should be some people somewhere in this city where no one criticizes each other’s practice and respect and support each other’s path!