All sorts of crises...

I realize it seems like I am always in some sort of crises but the reality is that I seem to be forgetting to write when I am in a good mood.
So, I came back from mountaintop of Santa Fe. Couple of days after I got back, I went to the south of Turkey, to the beach for 5 days with my sister. We were at this quiet, no frills, very simple place where they have wooden huts and tents that you can rent out. I woke up every morning at 6am to practice with another friend who did her own practice. The sun would just rise as we began our practice. Except biting ants, it was lovely! Also, I met very nice people…
Still, this little holiday did not make the transition to real life much easier, or maybe it did and I am not realizing, maybe it would be even worse. My friend from the training, Stephanie, was telling me that she was having trouble settling back and I was wondering what she was meaning… Yes, I was really curious and now I see for myself… But the thing is that my Saturn return just finished today! Yesterday was the last day of it according to astro.com and ain’t it suppose to get better? I was suppose to be depressed during Saturn return, not after! But I began crying last night and then today I could not even wake up for my practice and then after waking up I cried more and more. I just realize there are not much people here that I connect with. Even the few who seems to have something in common with me, now seems to have nothing in common. I just cannot have a true, heart to heart conversation with someone. For instance, when I try to share something from my practice such as having hard time with something, the response is “ohh I do it in every practice” while when the same person tells me about some asana she/he has trouble with, I try to encourage and try to give examples from my own experience… I try to be encouraging while they make me feel like crap. Then I just don’t understand how people get excited about just anyone, anything, they have no focus! I say I will go to Nancy Gilgoff workshop and they say “ohh I will come too, I should” when, just a minute ago, they were telling me that they think ashtanga is probably not a practice for them!?!? I just have to turn my switch off. I seem to be taking things too seriously...
I am having crises of faith as my astrology reading would say. I am having crises of style of practice, crises of not having enough energy, but most importantly crises of not having my teacher! I feel so much need for my teacherat the moment, and I mean Cary when I say my teacher. Sincerely, she still is the only teacher I can call as “my teacher”. And today I did not wake up to practice, and then I felt guilty of not practicing but then I resisted the urge to practice in midday and I insist to go on this day without practice, I had to suffer this day through, leaving my lonely mat laying on the floor. In the afternoon, I suddenly decided to call Cary. And I was lucky to reach her and we talked for the first time after I left Mysore, we talked more than 50 minutes. It was sooo good talking to her! I felt aligned. At last, I felt that someone can relate to me, someone knows where I am coming from and someone can tell me how to make sense out of all this. And this day, I decided that my practice was, is and will be ashtanga practice. This is the practice that makes sense to me, it is the practice where I truly learn what I am doing, where I observe myself, my heart, my mind, my body. People find it difficult, people say you injure yourself in ashtanga but I find it otherwise. One moves on as their time comes, you go step by step, when you are ready. Now, with all these other things, I find myself worrying, sweating about Pincha-Mayurasana but why? I am not there yet… I do not want to worry about Pincha-Mayurasana before I reach to it! I just got to second series, and there are so many other asanas before that or this and I have no teacher to lead me through it but I will lead myself as much as I can, this is the circumstance I am in and I have to handle it! I was lucky to go to a good teacher training, now I can lead my own practice and also work on my teaching… I will not be teaching ashtanga most of the time but my practice will be ashtanga even if that means practicing twice a day so I can prepare for my class in the second one… This is it, so I reveal!
One good thing is that I met this wonderful person two days ago. I used to know her just a little from years back, she was my sister’s friend, and then she left for Thailand and there she got into yoga... She had been working on her practice for some years now… So, we met the other day. It was as if I met a new person and I did not realize how the time passed, it was very peaceful. I experienced someone who understands what is yoga about, someone who has some kind of depth, and truth. Now, she has gone to Europe until the end of the month… But this proves that there are some people out there! Some hope. I truly need to find my community here. I know there should be some people somewhere in this city where no one criticizes each other’s practice and respect and support each other’s path!