What is going in Goa...

In Goa, I seem to neglect writing much more than usual… all the distractions such as beach, good food, meeting with friends…

So, where were we? Ohh I am still and yes, still working on Bakasana B. Now I accept the fact that I am stuck and it is all right. With handstands, I am taking a break, although, today Rolf asked me “Maya, are you finished? No handstands? Tired? I am also tired today…” Actually, yes, I was tired this morning more than usual and I am still tired… I donnu if it is waking up so early to began practice at 5AM or if it is that I am not taking care of myself properly... Last night, I went to bed at 8PM; still, this morning I was tired and dizzy… It is also a bit cold at 5AM, so it is taking time to warm up and stay warm. Also, my back is not feeling well, I have some pain, mainly on my left side. I will see the acupuncturist lady on Friday. I think she will be able to help.

Anyhow… I am fine with being stuck at Bakasana B, but that does not mean I am giving up. I will get it at some point. I know it is mostly fear… need to work it through and will… it might take some time, which is okey. It is like backdrops; I was so scared when I first began practicing them couple of years ago that I would go almost all the way down but just before dropping I would come up… but now I do them all right…

What else… The Ayurveda course with Gangotri… It is going very well. She is a very good teacher, a great source of information. We are enjoying it a lot. She just finished talking about Vata yesterday. I guess I am Vata dominant. Lets see what the others are like, then, I think I will have a better idea. She will also talk about life style we should follow. She has already been giving good tips such as need for waking up before sunrise because with the sunrise our manupura chakra begins working, and it starts turning the toxins in our body; therefore, we need to get up before sunrise and clean our body…

Friends...

Today two of my great friends from last year arrived, Irena and Marco. I was so lightened up when I saw them during practice early morning. After practice, we met at German Bakery. It was great to reconnect… To tell the truth, I realized how much I miss people from last December… After Nigel left, I felt a bit lonely, a bit disconnected… But now that Irena and Marco came, I felt lively again and then I realized that the connection between the people I met last December is going a long way… Yes, I was lucky to meet all these friends, very lucky.

We decided to do a drop-in to Ganga’s Pranamaya & Patanjali’s Yoga Sutra’s class. It was actually very good. I really enjoy listening to Ganga, he is a very natural teacher, speaker… I kind of begin thinking about going to their ashram up at North. Now I will take his sister’s Ayurveda course, which will begin in few days. I think I will benefit a lot from her course for my health…

Got a complain?

I need someone who can also listen to me bitching and moaning about stuff… and then just cheer me up with the silliness of my trivial misery. That would be a friend but I mean a real friend. I am now having tough time with my practice because I am stuck with where I am… it has been a year and I am stuck and I am impatient, and yes you can call me a bitch, you can think I am no fun… I am probably all of that… but this is how I feel, and this is what I go through… I am not hiding it, I am living it and I am trying to deal with it… but it is pretty out there, sometimes on my face, sometimes in my words.

You might wonder why so much thinking about the practice? Well, it is the mind… I was listening Osho this morning and he was explaining how we destroy things for ourselves… he was particularly talking about meditation. To paraphrase him: “In the beginning there are sudden glimpses but once you know certain experiences, these glimpses of meditation disappear… for the first time, it happened because you were not expecting; for the first time you had the glimpses, you were innocent, child like. But after the first time, the mind begins calculating searching for the same experience… the mind is bringing misery and if you insist that you must have the same experience again, you will loose it forever, unless you forget it completely that somewhere in the past it happened. For the possibility to open, you need to forget. This is madness, you destroy everything, what comes to your hands you destroy. Life gives you many gifts… life does not give you anything less… but you destroy it… if meditation happens to you, just be grateful, and forget it. It has been a gift, you do not have the capacity to have it, it has been a gift, an overflowing of the divine. Don’t expect it, don’t demand, it will come next day again, it will grow, it will get deeper, it will be infinite. But your mind has to be dropped, your mind is madness…”

Well, it is similar with the practice also. In the beginning, I had no expectations, I was just doing for the joy of it… some postures would seem crazy, I would say "no way I can do this!" and laugh about it, but I would try for that day and then the coming and so on and then few weeks later I would see them coming, happening and I would be so surprised, happily surprised. However, now I am expecting myself to achieve this and that and move forward… I want the beginners mind back! I want to forget those crazy poses I cannot do now has to be achieved… Now, I know they can be achieved, I keep putting pressure on myself and then getting disappointed… the misery creating mind, got a drop it!

Practice, Ink and all

My fourth week ended… Today is a full moon day so no practice. Nigel is leaving this morning. Last night we all, yes we all, including Rolf and Marci, went to Bean me Up to have good food! What else, ohh by the way just before the dinner, I got inked!!! ☺ Yeah something I thought I would never do in India… but I met this couple, and had a very good feeling from them… so I got my last tattoo. It is again with flowers, cherry blossoms… My housemate Kate came with me, which was very nice, it is always good to have a friend with you when you are getting inked… Now, it has to heal quickly, very quickly until Monday (little ambitious there ☺) NO beach for a while. If I had my camera working I would take a photo of my new ink for your eyse but my camera has not been working since I got to Goa…

On the other hand, practice this week was fine, but handstands are still giving me grief and Bakasana B is still not there… But still, Rolf told me that next Monday I can continue up till where I was last April, which is Eka Pada Sirsana . When he told me that I said “ But Bakasana B is still not coming”, he replied “Bakasana A is much better, you have been working hard, and we will continue work on Bakasana B.”

With the housing situation… I found a place in Candolim, which is 3 min. to the shala, 5 min. to the beach, starting from January 3rd. It is kind of perfect wince I could not just walk out from the house that I am living in, it will be nice to find someone to take my room before I move… by the way, I am enjoying my roommates a lot as time passes but still I will love to be by the beach and not driving before practice and when my sister comes to visit I will already have the kind of place I wanted to get for us when she comes to visit me.

By the way, my housemate Kate also designs yoga clothes and the other night we had her show the stock she has with her and I went a bit crazy and bought 4 tops from her! I have been eying the tops she wears for practice, I really liked them. So now I have too many yoga tops, and I have no regrets since they are made from nice material and very original designs!!!

Today, I am planning to spent most of the day at home to not get dust and dirt to my tattoo… But tonight there is a concert at Purple Valley and most of us will go for it. Next Monday, Ganga’s course will begin, still I am not sure about taking or not taking it…

Vrittis

It has been already 3 weeks since I came to Goa. Practice with Rolf and Marci is intense, very good… I feel like there is so much more to do, to learn… and I am lucky to be here…
I am staying in Arpora with 3 other yoga students… It is a nice house but as the winter comes, the ride to practice in the mornings are freezing us. And of course, also the shala is a bit chilly because it is open air rooftop. This morning I did many many sun salutations to warm up after the freezing drive. And then, by the end of the practice, I kept beating myself up because I feel like I am not making progress, still cannot jump into bakasana b and then hand stands are a disaster… I was pretty upset with myself this morning but this is not the way to go, is it? I do what I can do and then I have to let go… let go ... let go… I think the most important lesson for me to learn is letting go… Actually, the practice was good, why I cannot see this and be content… the mind keeps comparing and that is one of the most dangerous poisons… I see it clearly…
And then I am thinking, desiring to move to Candolim where the shala is. I want to be by the beach and be able to walk to the shala instead of driving… I hope to find a peaceful solution and this occupies my mind a lot these days. Wish me good luck.

Earlier written Goa entiries

I did not have any internet access through my computer for a while... so I am posting the entries I have written earlier just now!

November 25 2008

Sunday, some of us went to Brahmani yoga for self-practice since R&M do not teach on Sundays. It was very nice, the teacher who was teaching had good adjustments and also, Ken the Rolfer began helping her after he finished his own practice and of course he has very good adjustments! After the practice we all went to German bakery. It was great; I was craving to eat there for a week. I love the food there. Afterwards some of us went to Shore Bar (the posh beach shack). I went into the ocean for a long while. Then head home, because I was expecting my friend Dagmar to arrive from the Shvananda ashram in Kerala. As soon as Dagmar arrived I arranged a scooter for her; that is a must especially since we are in Arpora, 15 min. drive to the shala, and one needs a scooter to get around Goa anyways. So, we went to Vagator to pick up the scooter and then stopped by the Juice Bar.
Monday, practice was good and I began working on handstands again, that is not so good, well what I mean is that it is not going so well. I just lost my handstands at some point while in Istanbul, and now they feel impossible. I used to be able to go up by kicking one leg and even with both sides right and left but then they are all gone now. I was struggling to go up with two feet together and now I am struggling to go up with one leg kicking up… so I am steps backwards somehow. I do not know what is the reason for this but will work on it as long as I need to…



November 21 2008
It has been a week since I got to Goa. My train journey was longggg… I am glad I made it but I would not do it again, I think… at least, not the Bangalore-Hubli- Vasco Da Gama route… that was too long and a hassle to shlap my stuff around from bus to train to another train to a bus again and to another bus and to taxi…. I guess it is a bit difficult to do a train journey when you are alone and have bit mush stuff with you. Do not misunderstand, this time I am traveling much lighter but I have got my computer… and that is a big responsibility and also a bit of weight to carry on my back… Well, I made it all right. The ride from Mysore to Bangalore was good since I was with Elena who did not stop talking for the rest of the journey and of course, I did not stop talking either ☺ Yes that was pretty easy and fun ride in a tin can. And when we got to Bangalore for 83 rupees each, Elena put me on this van for 6 rupees, which got me close to the train station. Well, I had to shlap my stuff for a while on the road then up and down the stairs… hardly made it to train on time… that was not much fun. I hardly found where the train was. There was a info boot and when I asked the lady she snapped me for being far from her (could not hear me) and then she wrote on my paper ticket some numbers which I thought were the platform numbers… As I tried to find that platform the newsstand guy said “to Hubli, you got go to platform 8, this number is train number” and luckily I believed him and found the train and on the way, I also realized that train number was some other number written on the ticket and those numbers she wrote were seat numbers which did not matter because you just sit on a seat you find… so, thanks to the newsstand guy, I found my way. The train arrived and everyone rushed to the train as people tried to get out of it. I made my way while being pushed around by Indian women… did not see any Westerners really. While I was moving along the train to find a seat and pulling my duffle back, the man behind me began yelling at me, he was frustrated about my bag. I said what can I do I move as the people in front of me move, he yelled more and I yelled back that I cannot fly the bag over my head…. Then, magically, I saw a seat, there was an older lady and a younger man, and the younger man told me that I can sit. So, as I tried to settle down, the man who was yelling at me come over to the same seat area. I mumbled in Turkish if he could not find any other seat but apparently the younger man who told me I can sit with them was his son. And in a minute both of us mellowed down as if it was not us who were yelling at each other a minute ago. He translated his wife’s question to me and on…. Then a young couple also joined us… The view from the train while there was day light was very green…. Half way through, the son, the wife and the man got of and I felt sorry that they left (figure that out, it only happens in India… ). The young couple was shy but later on, the young man talked to me a little bit, he told me that the young woman is his brother’s wife, they are from Bangalore going somewhere which is before Hubli… Again I felt bad because it was getting dark and the train was getting deserted with less and less women and I did not want to loose my companions. So, they also got off at some point. I was getting sleepy, there were only men around me. One man sat across from me, he was okay, just glued to his cell phone. For almost two hours, he kept dialing numbers and talked on his cell phone about the same issue, I just got that he was concerned about some fax number. It looked a bit overwhelming. It was either a very important matter or he just could not sit without doing nothing.
When we arrived to Hubli it was 10PM. I got off the train, there were only passengers around… but I was determined to find a person who works there and I did. I asked about the sleeper train to Goa. He checked my ticket and told me to stay with him and then he put me to my vagon. That was very very nice of him, otherwise; I was a bit clueless… The sleeper train was okey. Ther were couple of Westerners this time. They gave us a sheet, a blanket and a pillow. I just got the sheet to put under me.
When we arrived to Vasco Da Gama, it was very early morning. I wanted to get the bus to Panaji. There were taxi drivers trying to trick me to take a taxi, telling me bus stand is far away… But I just got grumpy with them and walked straight ahead… After all this way, I was not going to give up here, I was determined to take the bus… and the busses were not so far. It was a nice ride, it was bright morning, and I could feel the difference of Goa air, and Goans already. The bus journey from Vasco Da Gama to Panaji was 16-17 rupees. The ride was surprisingly not long at all. Then I decided that I can make it to Mapsa with the bus again, I could not give up there… So, I got another bus to Mapsa which was 8 rupees but I could not get my change for 10 rupees but would not complain… We were in Mapsa at no time. When I arrived to Mapsa it was time for a taxi. One man offered me to take me with motorbike, I was almost gonna run after him since I was so tired and what was he thinking? Me, my heavy backpack and duffle back behind him on a motor bike? Then I saw a taxi driver I said to Arpora and asked how much, he said 400 rupees I said I am no tourist, I will pay 150 rupees. Of course he refused but another one jumped front and took me to Arpora for 150 rupees!
I arrived to Queenie’s place. The house Alex got for us for this season is a very nice 3 bedroom house right next to Queenie’s house. The living room is big and there is a very nice kitchen. Bedrooms are upstairs, two of them open to a huge balcony… not mine. However, we are a bit far from the shala. It is about 15 minute ride. In the beginning I freaked a bit because of the drive but now I seemed to be getting used to driving. There are also nice places in Candolim, and I guess next time, I will stay over there by the beach. Candolim is very nice, peaceful. The beach is clean and quiet. The new shala is very nice. We are at the roof top, we began when it is dark and while were still doing the standing postures, the daylight takes over. Both Rolf and Marci are in very good mood. I am blessed!




November 14 2008
This morning was the last class in the shala this year… Yesterday was full moon so there was no practice but we carried on with the acroyoga-thai/Mysore massage course (I don’t know what to call it anymore ☺ ). It was a good class, we did the partner yoga sequence we learned but Donna and I were not much into flying so we did not do any of that and then it was the massage part. Fort the massage, we used the feet mainly. Yesterday, it was my turn to give a massage and since we did not have any practice in the morning, I had energy so it was nice to be giving massage. It was also Wayne’s birthday, and at the end, we had ragi ball feast, which are apparently Wayne’s favorite food! Ragi balls are made from finger millet (ragi is finger millet), they are brown dumplings and not so small in size and they are mushy in texture, which I really liked. As we are told, some people feel like they will choke while eating them because of this mushy texture but for me, it was baby/comfort food. They are served with garlicky tomato sauce and coconut chutney; otherwise, by themselves, they are very plain. Nutritional wise, they are high in protein and low in fat. Wayne told us that Guruji used to tell them ragi balls make you strong. Ohh also they are special to state of Karnataka… Well, I discovered them at the last minute, but the next time I am here, I will be eating a lot of them ☺!

This morning, I woke up before 3AM. The anxiety of traveling woke me up. TH practice was nice. Sharat was a bit more

The black cat is dead!

This morning was not easy to wake up. I was still tired and my body was achy… Still crawled out of bed and then I did some hip openers because I am having knee pain… It was my right knee when I arrived and as I expected the right knee pain went away after few weeks practicing in the shala but then my left knee began aching… It is different kind of pain than the right knee had. For the right, the pain was at the back of the knee, with the left, pain is more inside of the knee… so I am just watching it, taking care of it… So if I do just basic hip openers by the wall, it helps a bit.

But lets come back to the body after Acroyoga. I began thinking that I am not cut for acroyoga. Maybe this is not right… it was just my first time yesterday… well, yesterday, I could feel my legs getting achy… this morning, my upper arms, my right wrist, my buttocks, my legs were all achy and I Was tired so the practice was not easy… I did not have that vibrancy I had yesterday morning… I guess taking this course was not the best decision in my last week at the shala. Well, I was not expecting such dynamic class, since it said Mysore massage and acroyoga etc… but it is what it is… Going back to practice, after I did my last backbend on the floor, Sharat came and smiled and did a gestures with his hands which I interpreted as he was pleased with my Kapotanasana… then he waited me to finish my drop backs with which I got a bit nervous because he was in front of me waiting… then the holding the ankles. He is very smooth with that, and today I could balance on my own after he got me there…

So, to go back to acroyoga or not? Well, I went back today… This time, I paired up with Donna… she was having difficulty working with Chris as I was having difficulty working with Scott… well, just being able to hold up men is much more difficult because of strength and weight differences. I can say it was better with Donna but still, I feel like I am the weakest link. I cannot hold her up much long. But I went through another day.

By the way, this afternoon, I stopped by the shala to tell Sharat that this Friday will be my last day. He said "ohh okey" and I thanked him and told him that I want to come back when he is teaching again (the rumors of him taking a break etc.). I asked whether to check on his web site and he said yes and he asked whether I know his website or not and then he went inside to give me his card. His card is very nice, full of the wild life photos he has taken...

What else there is? Ohhh you mean the title? That is the black cat. You remember the black cat which was waking up in the middle of the night and pissing on my window? He is dead because someone poisoned him. My sister called few minutes ago in tears. She said that she found him in her garden dead with foams in his mouth which means someone poisoned him. My sister had been feeding her along with other street cats and as you all know, he liked to hang out in her garden so he came back to the garden to die because it was like his home. I wish that he is peaceful wherever he is now...

Acroyoga

Today, I started Mysore massage-Acroyoga Level I course, which is taught by Wane from Miami. It is Monday through Friday that means I will miss Friday class because I am leaving in the morning for Goa (both ☺ and ☹ )… Therefore, I am having a glimpse of something new: acroyoga-partner yoga… I am partners with Scott, I think we are having quite fun together. Today, after doing backpack, fire man and cave man, which were pretty cool way of stretching each other and also adjusting in down dog while preparing to cave man, we learned flying. I can fly well since Scott is able to get me up in the air but the challenge was me getting Scott up in the air. First, it felt like impossible but then I figured out that it was all about balancing properly. T Then I could get him up in the air and then also could drop him (ooppss!). Well, luckily he was not hurt. We tried again and again… It helps built strength when you are helping the other fly and then if you are the one up, it is about using your muscles and bandhas properly to balance up there and getting into different postures and also lots of fun! At the end of all this, we gave each other savasana massage; that was pretty nice and needed!

This morning, practice was good as well. Now I am doing up till Kapotasana and then backbends feel great!

Moving along nicely…

Yesterday the shala was closed, so again we practiced at the studio above where Colette stays… She and her housemates were nice to invite us again… The space where you practice makes such a big difference and also practicing with others…
After practice, I and Tatyana went to Tina’s for breakfast… Afterwards, I walked to the lake and around the lake and back with Terry… On the way, we stopped by Austrian café and had lunch… it was nice to have more of a Western food… Well, in Goa, the food will be great :)

This morning, practice was fine. I did up till Ustrasana since that was my homework for Wednesday. Then did my backbends and got up for drop backs. At that moment, I heard Sharat asking “what did you do?” so I looked over to see if he was talking to me and yes he was. I said Ustrasana , and then he said do Laghu Vajrasana , as I did I heard him say “himm good” and so he said Monday Kapotasana ”. I am happy about this! I really wanted to get to Kapotasana before I leave Mysore; I did not expect this to happen but life is full of surprises!

Today, I sent a package to home through Rashinkars. I do not want to travel heavy… I did some shopping here… bags from Lokesh, some pillow cases, then couple of books… (yes I read the “Health, Healing, and Beyond Yoga and the Living Tradition of Krishnamacharya” book so it is also sailing…) and then for my mom, I got some Ayurvedic soaps she likes… It was not much stuff ; I guess, more weight you send, less you pay but still it was not bad… Rashinkars is a good place to send things, but they do not do only books. If you are sending lots of books, it is better to send them separately from the post office; the book rate is very cheap!

Teachers

Yesterday, at the conference, Sharat talked about the Guru. Finding our guru and surrendering to our guru, to our teacher… He said no one could tell you that they are your Guru, you have to feel it and when you find your Guru you will know it, you will feel it inside. He said that when we talk to our Guru, we feel the knowledge they have about yoga and then we decide that they are our Guru. While I was listening to him, I thought he was describing the way I feel about Rolf. Before I met Rolf, as I was preparing for my trip to Goa last year, I told my mom that I feel something very beautiful will happen in Goa… and yes it happened, there I found my teacher. As Sharat described yesterday, I felt it inside, in my heart that Rolf was my teacher, my Guru. Of course, I feel devotion and respect to Guruji and every time, every morning I remember how grateful I feel that Guruji has brought us this practice. I feel grateful that he shared his knowledge with Westerners who became teachers to us. When it comes to Sharat, he is very perceptive, he is very humble and he is fair and so I regard him as my teacher as well. However, to be honest, that feeling he was talking about, I feel it for Rolf. Rolf touched my heart with the love he has for every single person, with his caring, loving approach to every student. I guess it is a moment that we get it from someone, suddenly we find ourselves in bliss in the presence of this one person and they become our Guru…
On the other hand, I also feel great devotion for Osho. I regard him as the master. I have been to Pune twice and there were moments that I could not hold my tears during the evening meetings when I see him in the big screen, listening to one of his discourses. Sometimes, he would speak directly to me, to my sadness, to my confusion. The last night before I left Pune, he was talking about being close to the master does not mean being physically close. So many are physically close but they do not get it and some get very close but they get scared and step back… From Osho, I had the confirmation of having the right to be in this world… It might sound strange to some people; you might ask “why did you need such a confirmation?” Well, I did need it for some reason… I felt loved, unconditionally loved by Osho even tough he is not in his body, never born, never died… I felt that I am okay as the way I am… and he taught me to express myself. I love Osho meditations, I love reading and listening to his discourses. Some of the Osho therapy groups can take one really deep inside and show the bliss in this world…
Putting all these together… I can say that Rolf is my teacher, my Guru who is alive, who is an example of great dedication to practice and not only that but he is also the person who has that unconditional love for everyone which I felt from Osho the first time… Sometimes, I get confused, I feel thorn… I love my practice, I enjoy it and cherish it very much. But I also love to explore more with different methods Osho used… I know I do not need to be thorn… I can bring more and less as I need. I guess the feeling of being thorn comes because I listen too much of other people when I should know I can do as I feel, I do not need to give u pone for the other, I know what is good for me and I just need to tune in…

Enough of my feelings regarding teachers, Gurus, Masters…
Today’s practice was fine. I guess I could be more vibrant but I was not. However, at the end of my practice, after I did my backbends and backdrops, Sharat came to help with grabbing the ankles and he asked what did you do (meaning what I did last) I said “ Bhekasana .” he said “Only that?” now do Dhanurasana and Parshva Dhanurasana for these two days” so I went down to the floor and did those two. Then I did back bends again and one more backdrop which became super easy after so many… Sharat came again and he said Wednesday you do Ustrasana at home. (Wednesday shala is closed for some reason… so we are all practicing at home… ) I said “Homework” Then he helped me with grabbing the ankles and as I came up he was chuckling again… I do not know why but I guess it cannot be bad.

Cooking class, walking around...

Friday, we did a cooking class with Tina. She taught how to make Chole and Aloo Gobi. Tina is a great teacher! In the beginning, she goes through the spice box, tells us the use and benefits of the each spice in the box and then also which oils to cook with etc… She cooks northern Indian food since she is from Bengal. I did one of her cooking classes during my first time here in Mysore; then she taught how to make palak paneer and vegetable kurma and I made the palak paneer at home afterwards with making the paneer and all as she taught… Well, this time also, she told us the benefits of fenugreek seeds and leafs with digestive properties, also the ginger with its digestive and decongestant properties, and of course turmeric and its internal and external healing properties… Then she continued with cooking the two dishes. At the end, she also showed us how to make roti dough and how to bake it over the skillet. Of course, after all this, we sat down for a feast!!!

Friday night, there was also a Halloween party at some yoga students’ house. We dropped by for a bit. They had a really nice house; the party was at their terrace…

Saturday was just very random. I had to run to Anu’s in the morning to do internetting. Then I went back home and stepped out again to buy minutes for my cell phone and I came across to Jonathan on the way. He was going by Green Leaf to take care some things, so I joined him. After he took care of his business, we had coffee at Coffee Day and then he wanted to go to Fab India. We went to Fab India, just looked around, did not buy anything and from there, we walked to the Palace… Actually, we were trying to find this restaurant we heard from someone, Om Shanti, a thali restaurant. We thought we could walk there but as we arrived to the Palace and after asking few people, we decided it was worth taking a rickshaw. We arrived to the restaurant but it was crazy crowded because tour buses kept bringing Indian tourists to the place. On top of every table, another family was waiting so the eating one would finish and they could sit. After 10 minutes, I said this is insane I am not going to stand over anyone who is eating and not let them enjoy it and I am not going to eat when some other people standing over us waiting for us to finish eating… Luckily, the man at the cashier was nice enough to reimburse us for the thali tickets I bought. After this, we walked around, not really knowing where we were and then took another rickshaw to go to the new Dasprakash hotel. There, we had a nice thali and then we walked back to Gokulam!

This morning’s led class was fine. For some reason, waking up for 4:30 AM led class on Friday mornings is really difficult while I wake up by myself on Sunday mornings at the same time for the led class. I wander if it is because after Friday morning, my body expects to wake up at that time again on Sunday and then it forgets during the whole week until Friday or just the rest day on Saturday makes it easy to wake up… One thing tough, my left knee is bothering me. I am not sure what is going on with it… My right knee, which was bothering me when I arrived here is doing pretty well, and now the left one is poking me… I will just watch and see and maybe do some hip openers in the mornings before the practice..

Today, after breakfast we went to the Organic market. I got some green salad that I cannot wait to eat for lunch! It has been a month since I had salad!!!

Diwali week

Today is the last day of Diwali. It has been lots of fire crackers since Monday; as the sun begins setting, the streets become like a war zone, smoke and the noise of blasting fire crackers… Monday was off due to Diwali and yesterday was new moon holiday. But on Monday, one of our friends, Colette, who lives in Alexandra Medina’s house invited us for practice in the studio which is upstairs of their house. Quite a number of people showed up, it was like a regular practice, all the sweat and everything… I did my whole practice for the first time since I got to Mysore, it felt good…
Today, practice was good. I was just in front of the stage. I am getting stronger... I can feel it. Also, Mauricio, who was away for some weeks, came back and said “you look stronger” ; therefore, something is happening… This morning, as I was doing Krounchasana , Sharath was helping the person next to me and then he looked over to me and said “chin up, point the toes, and look at your toes!”
Tonight Dagmar is leaving for Mangalore. I will miss her a lot! But me talking her head off she decided to spend her last week in Goa, practicing with Rolf! She will stay with me; since the house will be empty until others show up, there will be a room for her!

Out of Lassi

Yesterday afternoon, while we were in our last Sanskrit Level I class, rain began pouring. Then it sounded like slowing down, but as we got out of the class, it was going on really hard. After staring in the rain for few minutes, we decided to jump in. Even though I live on the same street with the shala, I was pretty much soaked when I got home. The street was like a river…
This morning, led class was fine, but I feel heavy when practice is so early. I need to get used to that. After practice, went home did some laundry, changed my bed sheets and then put an Osho discourse, laid down to listen him talking about ‘trust’ and dozed a bit during. Then got up to go to Santosha for breakfast. After breakfast, Dagmar and I went to Lakshmipuram to get her scooter. We also sopped by at Three Sisters to have their famous lassis but they were out of lassi, too many people came before us ☹ so have to try again!
Tomorrow we will go to Metropal for lunch buffet! Plans are all around food here! We are very fortunate to be here and enjoy it all…
This monday the shala is closed due to Diwali festival and then Tuesday is moon day... But it seems like few of us are getting together to do home practice, if not I have enough space in my room... Ahh, 3 weeks left for me to leave Mysore for Goa, I kind of feel sad... and wish for one more week here, then it will be exactly 2 months in Mysore... but I signed up for the workshop on the 16th of November with Rolf and Marci at Brahmani and also Marci is expecting me to begin practice with them on the 17th of November... so have to get going when it is time...

Fruits of letting go...

Days are going by really fast. Yesterday, Dagmar and I went to Lakshmipuram after watching the French News, which filmed us during led primary class few weeks back. It was quite difficult to find this film in the internet but we managed!!! Then, I had a quick lunch at Anu’s and then we went to Lakshmipuram. First to Nilgri’s to buy flax seeds and then to West Side. Flax seeds are for me, the nutritional analysis results show that I need Omega 3 more (also Omega 6) and flax seeds are a good source of it. I just grounded them up in Gita’s blender and I will put it over my food as I remember to do… At West side, Dagmar got a really nice top; I did buy nothing. Finding what to buy part was pretty easy and fun but paying part took long because the guy who was at the cashier could not figure out something. He managed to charge the card, so what was the problem, we could not understand. After 3 men looking on the screen and one of them typing stuff over and over, this little girl came down from upstairs and she hit few buttons and it was all sorted out, here goes women power! Then, we tried to find our way back home, getting a bit lost but managed it at the end. When we got back, my head was buzzing from driving on the scooter in the afternoon traffic… After stopping at home, I went to pick up the pants and the dress my tailor made for me both of which do not fit me, but I did not fuss about it. So, I gave the dress to Claudio because it fits her much better and the pants, I do not want to think about them… Sudha will be making me two pants, and I know they will fit nicely and if they don’t, she does not want me to buy them…
After going home for a shower, I went to Kumar for the afternoon meditation. This week the meditation starts at 6:30P.M. because we are doing the Osho Gourishankar Meditation and it is better to do it after the sun set. Then I went home, watched one episode of Lost, read some from my Health and Healing book, which is about Krishnamacharya.
This morning I woke up with nausea… I just did some of my nauli exercises and then laid down for a while… Then, went off to practice, wishing to make it through all right and focusing, focusing and focusing no more thoughts…. I did focus and made it through the practice. At the end, Sharat came to help with ankle grabbing. He asked me “what did you do last?”, I said “Krounchasana”, he said “ohh… Then tomorrow Salabasana” (Salabasana A, Salabasana B) he stopped and then added “ Bhekasana ). Tomorrow, both Salabasana and Bhekasana”. Yeah that got me smiling a big smile! Just as I stopped whining about not getting more asanas and if he was aware of my presence and all that yes then things start moving forward… Therefore, yes, need to stop whining, need to focus more, need to work on jump backs and troughs… I am actually working on jump backs harder; I am now picking up as usually but different from before I am not putting hands forward after picking up but not moving my hands from where they are and taking legs back in a I guess funny way and working towards something more like proper jump backs…
Well this is all for now. And it began raining again, a big one for mid day… I am at Anu’s now and my laundry back at home is having a nice rain bath ☺

Weekend

This Saturday was a shopping day again. After breakfast at Tina’s, Claudia and I went to city for shopping for cotton sari and bed spreads and I was also hoping to pick up the ear studs I ordered at Suddharsans. First we looked for cotton saris but for some reason all the shops say the nice Indian prints do not exist in cotton saris… So after seeing few shops, we ended up at Rashinkars again, I told them that the “cotton” sari I got from them was not pure cotton and after washing it was still hard and asked if they have saris in pure cotton… After looking at some stuff they got, which were beautiful but not what I was looking for, the nice Indian motifs… Still, I really liked few of the saris, but then when they took us upstairs to show ready made tops and so forth, they showed all these nice materials to make shalwer kamez, and they were kind of fabrics that I was trying to find!!! After maybe 5 visits to Rashinkars, at the end they showed me what I was looking for! So, for your info, Rashinkar has some nice fabrics, that comes in a set of three, one to make a top, the other to make pants and then the shawl; they all match but in different colors and designs…. Still we decided to have a look at Fab India because so far whatever my tailor makes for me do not fit me!!! He is very nice but I feel like I am wasting fabric and money on things I cannot wear… Before going to Fab India, we went to Devaraj road and Claudia looked for jeans for her stay in Europe after India, since they are cheaper here. Also, we found a shop, which had the comforters Claudia was looking for… I also sopped by at the Suddharsans to see if they made my ear studs and yes they did!!! So, I got them and am wearing them now! After all this, we took a rickshaw to Fab India, which is in Lakshmipuram. They really have some fabulous stuff, very nice kurtas, tops, skirts, shawls form very good quality cottons with nice colors and designs. After all, I ended up buying one kurta and one top form Fab India… I also bumped into Martha and her husband again. Martha was in Level I of Tias’s Teacher Training in Santa Fe. I first saw them in front of Loyal World last week and yesterday again… Her husband was excited about talking with us about the practice. He asked me if I progress in my practice by practicing in the shala and when I said yes he was very surprised! Well, I explained him that practicing solo versus practicing with all these people makes a huge difference; it triples my energy level and lifts me up. HE asked whether I achieved anything new, and I said “actually yes, but not what I had in my mind…” but I refused to tell him what it was… I just did not feel like bragging about such stuff… Then he asked if I were teaching yoga in Istanbul, and what kind whether Vinyasa flow or ashtanga… I told him I teach ashtanga and I do not enjoy Vinyasa flow much. He said “strict ashtanga, primary series”, and then he added “that might change in few years” Here came a trigger to me ☺… My answer was, “and it might not, Rolf has been doing it for 30 years and he seems to love it still… and I love it very much” After, Claudia and I went out, of course I was mumbling stuff like “ why people need to comment on such stuff when they now nothing about me…” and Claudia told me “ you know, in such cases I just nod, I am not even listening sometimes, it come from one ear and goes out from the other… not important, you get really frustrated over other people’s comments!” She was so right and I have to learn how to led things come form one ear and go from the other before Claudia and I part ways!
Practice this morning was tough. I felt very tired at 4:30 AM in the morning. Then, close to the end of the practice, after Upavishta Konasana , I forgot Supta Konasana, so there I was preparing for Supta Padangusthasana, and of course I got caught and Sharath yelled at me “which one???”… I thought “here goes my hope for getting Shalabasana tomorrow! Ohh well, it is all okey but I wonder why I keep forgetting asanas here. Maybe it is just because it was still early for me to practice at 4:30 this morning or I have to focus better.
This Tuesday, my first month will finish here, time is flying by…

Week of Anatomy class and practice

It is already end of the week. It has been a cloudy, rainy week which is good I think, not so hot. Tomorrow is led class; I am in the 4:45A.M. batch now according to the schedule Sharath put on the board! Ashtanga while sleeping… You know right 4:45 AM shala time means 4:30 real time and to get in, we begin cuing up at 4:15 shala time!
Agnieszka’s left on Monday night ☹. Tuesday was moon day, it was anatomy class and then I went S.N. Jois for a Vedic astrology reading. What I can tell is that he was spooky rite about some things and very off with other things and then he had some predictions and I will see what happens regarding them in the future… Wednesday practice was okay and this time, Sharath let his hands go after he helped me grab my calves in backbends… yes I could stay there without him holding!! I did not think I could do that so soon! After practice, Sharath was taking people to puja in this new temple… but I did not go, I chose breakfast over puja! Is that bad, I don’t know… Then it was anatomy class with Ken again, we studied the pelvic floor… And if I got anything from yesterday's class, it is that the two things that make yoga difficult for us are sitting in chairs and carrying weight on our shoulders; we, humans are actually, anatomically suppose to sit on the floor and carry weight on our heads like Indian women... then late lunch at Tina’s new café; it was very good food and very cheap too! Then Sanskrit class in the afternoon. I told Lakshmish that I will not stay for chanting class anymore, and he just shook his head… I enjoy Sanskrit level I now, it is like puzzle, but I really get bored chanting straight ahead without talking about the meaning of what we chant…
Today practice was good. Then, Santosha for breakfast and then last day of Anatomy class. It was very interesting class today. Ken talked about Mula bandha and Uddiyana bandha anatomically and also about soas muscle. Afterwards, we had lunch at Cenakis (I donnu how to spell it out really), it was good food. Now time to chill a bit until tomorrow morning.

Weekend to today

Saturday was a full day shopping! First we had breakfast at OM café and of course everybody else decided to have breakfast there as well, so I was sitting between Melanie and Agnieszka’s chair for quite a while but then we managed to grab a chair, which got emptied… Now they have a mini market on Saturday’s at OM café, Dominic, the French lady had beautiful shawls and sandalwood necklaces/bracelets, I could not buy anything since I had no $ with me but next Saturday I will get something from her! Then right after breakfast we, Agni, Claudia, Jonathan and Jessica went to the city. Our first stop was Sapna bookstore from where I got a tiny Osho book just to keep my heart beating, then we walked to Ashoka bookstore, form there we went to the Bata store at the corner. I was hoping to find those cute plastic shoes and did, Claudia and me got pink plastic shoes! Afterwards we went to Rashinkars. I got a cotton sari with beautiful pattern and others also got saris, lungue (how do you spell that?) and books. Then we had to run for food. I do not remember the name of the place but it looked like a sweet shop from the entrance but upstairs they had full on restaurant! It was on the main road. Of course, it took us a while until I had to mobilize everybody to get active in table grabbing ☺, we lost few tables while waiting politely at a corner... But the food was good; most of us had the Southern special thali. After the food, we also went to Devaraj road. We walked up the road, Agnieszka looked in every Bata store to find her size in those pink plastic shoes but no luck… We went into a store to try Shalwer Kamez… I tried many of them but did not really warmed up to any of them; I was also hoping that Lokesh could make me something with the cotton sari I go. After all, we crashed at the Coffee day at the top of Devaraj road…
Yesterday’s led class was fine. I felt a bit stiffer in my knees. I blamed it to the Indian food; too much garlic… I do not know if it is really relevant. After the led class, we went to Bird sanctuary, which is a bit outside of Mysore. It was really beautiful. We took a boat ride in the river. It began raining in the middle of it but it was not pouring so that was fine. We also saw some alligators in the river other than birds… After the boat ride, we walked a bit, but the walk path is really short so we were done pretty quickly. Then we got back to Mysore, stopped at the Green Leaf to eat more Indian food…
There was also conference yesterday. Sharath talked about Ashtanga Yoga having the whole package with drishti, breathe, bandhas and asanas… when we do all these then we are doing meditation, pranayama and asana… I asked about whether putting contact lenses during practice or not and he said do whatever you want… So I will keep on wearing them. If he told us that not wearing them is better for the eyes or something then I would try without but if it does not matter I do not want to give away from my balance…
Today was fine. Practice was good. This time no new asana… Sharath began standing in front of me as I began my back bends until I finished my backdrops so he could help with the grabbing the ankles…
For breakfast, I went to Vivien’s with Agni. Today is Agnieszka's last day; she is leaving tonight ☹
Today was also the first day of Ken’s4-day Anatomy class. This first class was very good; Ken knows what he is talking about and he is very articulate…
Tomorrow is a full moon so no practice… I am thinking of seeing Dr. Kumar in the city for a consultation. I feel that my digestion is sluggish; maybe he can help in some way…
By the way, the sari I got turn out to be mixed with synthetic so after washing it did not softened up, so Lokesh does not want to make any clothing with it, instead he will make curtains for my new home. That also works out for me.

Lake trip after led class

Therefore, I moved to a room at chocolate lady, Gita’s house. I stayed at her house the first time I was here and I know it is clean and quiet. I am staying in the same room I stayed before, the upstairs room and Agni is staying in the downstairs room but she will leave on Monday ☹ I am comfortable now… since I am not staying so long, only until November 14th, I did not bother to look around much.
This morning, before the led class, Sharath told us that people who come to self practice until 6:15 (so that includes me) should come to 4:45 led class on Friday and on Sundays there will be a second led primary series class and also there will be a second led primary series on Sundays and up to 6:15 students has to come to the first batch… Then he left and the Saraswati led us through the led class. I was feeling tired so I was no full power…
After class and doing some laundry at home, I went to breakfast at Vivien’s. I really like her coffee and the fruit salad was the best one I had so far because it had chikoo! Then I, Agni, Dagmar and Claudia went to Karanchi Lake. First we took one those paddle boats to go around in the lake, it was fun. Indian boys who also rented boats were targeting us and driving toward us but we avoided any crash. The nature was beautiful by the lake. After the boat, we took a walk around it and many photos!

Sleeping with a cockroach

Okay, I did not sleep with it the whole night but here how it went...
Last night I went to bed around 8 o’clock and was oozing nicely… Around 10-10:30 PM, the family began getting more lively, so I also began waking up and tossing around and then I suddenly opened my eyes and saw a big dark think across from my face, right there! I jumped and the black thing ran under the pillows. I turned on the lights and picked up the first pillow and then the second and yes it was right there stuck to the second one, the big cockroach! Yeyyyy, I shook it off and it dropped to the floor and flipped and began running… I looked around and round and could not find it… After trying to shake off my trauma and putting around lines with the chalk thing and spraying neem oil all around, I turned off the lights and try to sleep but then I began hearing 'cirk kirk' sounds and obviously this time it was the cockroach which was tossing around. Therefore, I turned on the lights, spotted the bug and tried to drive it away from my room but it kept going the other way. Finally, with the broom I managed to take it out side. After all this, I thought I can rest maybe but then the family decided to wash their bike at 11:30 PM. They wash things behind their kitchen which is in front of my house. So, it was the kid talking loudly and the dad talking loudly and the wife talking loudly and the water… I opened the door to reguest if they could bring it down a bit but as soon as I opened the door the cockroach, which I threw out, flew on me, it was hiking on my door… I guess it really wanted to be with me last night. I began hoping that time would fly by so fast that it would be time to go to practice.
I think I am giving up this cockroach fight… too bad when I was just so proud about how I dealt with them. I also wonder what this is all about… I am watching LOST the TV series and the episode I watched yesterday was about the relation between animals that come into our lives and the people who passed from our lives; it was the boar that was after Sawyer… and it came to the fact that Sawyer killed a man thinking that he was the one caused his family to disaster… Then, what about the cockroaches and me?
Practice was okey this morning. Sickness and not enough sleep is not helping but I manage. I sweated tons again…

Last few days...

A bit of sickness is what I have got, but before coming to that I have much more to tell….
On Saturday, restless me had to go to Mysore palace for a visit… the down side of going last weekend was Dasara, the state festival which is going on now, so there were much more visitors than usual… As a tourist, I paid 100 rupees, whereas Indians pay only 20 rupees… I got a bit stressed because they took my camera, first I kind of wanted to resist but then I given in, they put it in a locker and charged me 5 rupees. The garden and the outside of the palace were beautiful. As I proceeded towards the inside, I realized they wanted shoes off and there were so many shoes!!! How the hell I would find my shoes when I get back!??? So I just took them in my hand, did not put them in one of those buckets filled up with shoes. As I went in, I realized that 90 percent of the visitors were young Indian men, hand in hand in pairs, or three, four of them holding on to one another’s wastes and no matter what, refusing to let go of one another… Inside the palace was not so impressive for me, I kind of rushed it to tell the truth. I guess I was also overwhelmed with the male population all around me… It is a bit similar in Turkey, I mean the male population is much more then female in the streets but not nearly as much as it is here. Anyways, I at last saw the palace, but in my opinion, the outside of the palace is much prettier and worth seeing than the inside… and I guess when it is lit up in the evening, it is very pretty.

Sunday led class was fine. I manage to get a spot inside the shala but there were people who were practicing in the changing rooms… The shala is getting crowded each day… Sunday we also had the conference, this was my first conference with Sharath talking. Guruji also came and he sat in his chair. In the beginning, Sharath and Guruji talked amongst themselves and then Sharath talked about having faith in the practice and keep on trying, being brave to try and also being content about where we are at. He also let people ask questions. Someone asked about how long the finishing postures should be held and he said that they are very important asanas because they prevent aging and we should hold them as long as we can. The person who asked this question also asked should we hold Sirsasana for an hour or two hours and he said “if you can, yes”, and he also said we should slowly build up the time we hold these postures. When the question and answer part was finished, Nancy and few other students who were involved in the Shri K. Pattabhi Jois Charitable Trust made a presentation. First, there was a little movie made by one of the volunteers about the Chetana Trust and then three of the volunteer students talked about their experiences. It is very nice that the Trust Is organizing students to do volunteer work around Mysore, since most students come to Mysore over and over, after a while, there is not much left to see and to do around, so this gives a good opportunity to be involved and make a difference in people’s lives who need help. After the presentation, Sharath also showed us the photos of panthers he took in a safari he went to in Tanzania and also in India… They were really good photos! He has an artist side I guess. Before we left the shala, there were forms for people who wanted to do volunteer work for the trust, so I filled up one of them… I donnu if I can be any use…

On Monday, practice was good, but the night before, the sleep was difficult because I have got a sore throat and my landlord’s family who lives in the house which is in front of mine is a bit too loud until late at night. During practice, I sweated quite a bit. While I was doing Pasasana Sharath shouted to my dierection, Krounchasana, so I got the next asana… Hopefully, until it is time to leave for me, I will get to the point in my practice where I was stuck while studying with Rolf. As the day moved on, I start feeling sicker but I was also running around like a mad women; no resting when obviously that was what I needed. I went to Three sisters after practice with Agni and Claudia. Three sisters are quite fun, we sat there for an hour, had ginger+carrot juice. Then I headed home. For lunch, I met with bunch of us at six main, this was for Crystal who left yesterday afternoon. After lunch, we also went to Barista… I was feeling already tired and sicker, but had to go to Sansktrit and Chanting class after all this… Chanting was a bit too much with runny nose and sore throat… Came home hoping for a relaxing a bit and a good night sleep but the congested nose and the noise from outside made sleep difficult.

This morning, in spite of all, practice was not bad but opps I realized afterwards that I skipped Navasana… well, should not beat myself too much for that, I can have a break for the sake of sickness, no? The thing is, Sharath told me “tomorrow you come at 6:15” as I entered the shala so this means waking up earlier and this means I really need to find a solution for my sleep, like a way to fall a sleep earlier instead of tossing around in my bed for hours until my landlord’s family decides to sleep in mid night.

Led class under cameras!

This morning, led class was under cameras. Apparently, some French people are making a documentary. I really do not know the details… When I know more, I will tell more! Other than that, it felt like Sharath was more merciful this morning with his counting or I am getting used to his count. I actually really enjoy his slow count, it reminds me to not hurry, especially with vinyasas and so chaturangas benefit…

Today I had my third and for the moment, last rolfing session. When Ken asked me how the practice feels with these sessions, I told him that the strange unstable feeling in my pelvis during Utthita trikoansana has been gone for the last few days. Yes, for few months, especially with the right side of Utthita Trikonasana, I was feeling unstable with my hips, pelvis, feeling that my hips were not in a good position… kind of hard to explain. But since I got here and began the rolfing, this feeling has gone! I was really struggling with this because I thought I was doing something wrong, not aligned correctly, etc… so I almost listed Utthita Trikonasana as the most challenging… However, I guess it was not my doing or undoing but the way my pelvis was positioned in my body… I hope it stays with its new way…

What else, himm I am extra hungry today. Maybe because I feel like I can eat anything with no practice tomorrow ☺

Busy Mysore days!

Life is so busy here in Mysore I cannot understand. In Istanbul, I was a bit bored, but to tell the truth, this was mostly due to myself, I did not really want to do much… Here, there is so much to do and even if I am only at home, I have all these new books that I have gotten each of which looks really delicious!

Yesterday the practice was good. Saraswati helped with the last back bend and this time she pulled my hands pretty up, I think I was holding my knees or something… After practice, I ran back home to have a shower and a quick breakfast because I was going to Dr. Kuttapa’s (my dentis here) to go to his clinic together in the city. See, last week, after couple of days I have been here, crown of one of the root canals I have broke. First, I though I broke a tooth but very luckily it was only a crown, otherwise I would panic because it was a big chunk… So, while I was trying to figure out what to do, I learned that Gita’s (the chocolate lady whose home I stayed for a week my first time) husband was actually a good dentist (I knew he was a doctor but did not know he was a dentist!) Therefore, I knocked on their door, and the next day Dr. Kuttapa took me to his clinic, got the measure of my teeth and this week, the crown was ready. He replaced my crown yesterday and I was relieved… I came back to Gokulam and at 2 o’clock I went to Kumar for my massage appointment with him. Ohh, it was great, my body softened up nicely and also my mind calmed down and I got a big smile after the session. Then, I ran home, had a quick bite and ran back to the shala to attend the Level I Sanskrit and Chanting classes which begun yesterday. It is the same person who was giving the yoga sutras class two years back. The class was nice. I am happy to be taking both classes, we will also go over asana names, their correct pronunciations… and chanting is very meditative…

This morning as I arrived to the shala I was expecting to find many other students waiting in the waiting area but there was none and so as soon as I came by the door, I heard Saraswati shout “one more” and I hopped in. This time, I was right next to women’s dressing room door but this spot was much spacious than the spot right next men’s dressing room. Practice was nice. I think Sharath might tell me to come to the practice even earlier next week… New people are coming, some of old students are leaving, so practice time keeps moving to earlier as always…

After practice, I got home, did laundry and passed some time until it was time to meet Melanie for breakfast. I took her to Santosha’s. I really like that place. I had eggs this morning with multi grain bread. The bread is really good at Santosha’s; also, their other baked stuff looks delicious as well, the tempting cookies and sweet breads… I still haven’t given in to cookies and such but I suspect that soon enough, I will. Afterwards, I went to Rama Krishna Ashram to get the Srimad Bhagavad Gita which our teacher told us to get for our Sanskrit class. Then, I went into the city to see the jewelry place Isa told me. I ordered the same studs she has for my extra holes on my left ear. I was temped for another pair of beautiful earrings but the gold has gotten so expensive that very quickly I decided to not make anymore purchases. After I got out of the shop, I walked down Deveraj Road and then to the city bazaar, but wandered rather shortly in the bazaar due to the big crowd and got back home. I still have to figure out where to get good incense, that will be for another trip to the city, or it will be an excuse to make another trip to the city :) … After resting at home a little, I went to Krishna tailor. Lokesh made me fisherman pants with the fabric I gave him but they did not look good as fisherman pants, so I asked him to change it to regular pants. He was not so happy about this request, he said it will be difficult to convert but at the end, I convinced him! He already made the patchwork bags I ordered. They are not same as the one I got two years ago, but I guess the one I got at the time was a remainder of Krishna’s work after he passed out… The patchworks on that bag was smaller and the fabric was a bit different… I guess Lokesh is not so patient to make such small patchwork and I am fine with it, I am not going to complain….

Tomorrow is already Friday, the led class! Ohh forget to tell, I decided to spend one more week in Mysore; therefore, I will be practicing in the shala for almost two months and then will head to Goa for R&M!

Moving on...

This morning, as soon as I entered the waiting area of the shala, Sharath said “you come in now, tomorrow come at 6:45! “ and so I squeezed myself to the spot right next to the door of the men’s changing room. I could not raise my arms completely during sun salutation since the ceiling over there gets lower ☺ Still, the practice flowed… I felt stronger today, maybe the resting during yesterday’s new moon or adjusting to the shala and drawing in more energy… Also probably happiness of being called earlier made me go full fuel. Whatever it was, I felt good and open and strong. At the end of the practice, while I was coming up from my third drop back, Sharath appeared in front of me, he said “ tomorrow, Pashasana” then he asked” did you do pashsana last time?” I said “no” , he said” tomorrow only pashasana!”. Yeah, I wanted to do a little dance right there but instead I was grabbing my ankles in back bends with Sharath helping me ☺ Yes, I am very happy because I was thinking that he will make me practice only primary the whole month! Well, so I am "officially" started on the second series. I think I needed this very much. I know it does not matter whether you do only primary or maybe only half of primary or second or third… on the other hand, I am one of those people who can do better with a bit of encouragement. I am happy to be here, I think it will help me get my practice stronger. The energy in the shala is good and I really enjoy practicing with all these people! I feel thankful today, and I hope to remember this everyday!

Also, today I had my second rolfing session with Ken the Rolfer. I am starting to really enjoy this work. It is not the most pleasant body-work but it is very good for body awareness. I know you will ask what are you doing when practicing yoga but we do not really know every tendency of our body and also we get lazy and go back to our habits which are not so good for us… so Ken’s work is really bringing me back to my body and also making me feel more grounded… I am also learning a lot about my body from him and that by itself is bringing more information about how to look at other bodies….

Briefly...

Very briefly..
I made it to Mysore! I arrived to Mumbai at 3:30AM on Monday, waited for the Bangalore flight which was at 7:30AM, cursed myself for bringing the laptop which dragged me down with its weight but I knew once I made it to destination it would be a blessing☺ … got to Bangalore, took the taxi which Murthy sent… the new airport is further away, so spent some time in Bangalore traffic…. Made it to Mysore at 2pm. Went to Joycee; she was very nice, she prepared a room for me to take rest before beginning my house/room hunt. I took a shower, passed out for 2 hours then met Murthy, changed money to pay to the shala, after seeing Sharath got much lighter ☺, and received my registration card; then, saw one room and one house, got totally confused… could not decide right away, so stayed at Joycee for a night, slept over it to decide. Went for practice at 7:15, very late!!! After so long, practicing with people again was nice, and I sweated lots, so hot in the shala… Went to breakfast for Tina’s. Back to housing situation, decided to take the room but at the last minute got the house! And moved in... and then life starts rolling… Already been to Ashoka bookstore and Rashinkars. I have been looking for some yoga philosophy books, could not find anything I am looking for… but got the Krishnamacharya book, “Health, Healing and Beyond”! very nice

Time to Pack!

Only couple of days left for me to fly to India one more time! On Sunday afternoon I will be taking the plain to Mumbai and arriving next morning, then flying to Bangalore and then the taxi ride to MYSORE…
So, I better begin packing… gathering some medicines and other stuff that I might need to have under my hand while I am in India. I am also wandering about accommodation. I emailed Murthy, he will send a taxi but regarding accommodation, he is a bit vague… Therefore, I contacted my friend Joycee who lives there, maybe she can help me with it… Well, I will see what happens. I might also give a call to Murthy before I leave which might be more effective.
Another adventure is awaiting me! I feel excited, very lucky and open to all that will come on my way. This morning was the last Mysore class of the year… The first attempt of me teaching Mysore style Ashtanga classes has been a mixed experience. It was not too bad because there has been always a student even if only one; on the other hand, it did not blossom either… maybe next time or next next time.... who knows.
Now, time to move on to the next adventure… hopefully all will be good as the last time… looking forward to meet with friends, and to meet with Mysore folks one more time… and of course very much looking forward to practicing in the shala!
Ahh, we (me and my sister) are listening to Devendra Banhart, the Queen Bee song from Cripple Crow, at the moment; how so lovely his music is! warming my heart...

Commitment

For three nights in a row, I am having dreams about ex boyfriends. Each night I had a dream about one guy; the one mutual thing about these guys is that they were all perfectly into me but I have ditched them and made them suffer… It is weird I am having these dreams now, but then also maybe not, because lately I have been verbalizing that I want to have a partner. It was okey for a while not having anyone but now, I say that I want to have someone in my life. On the other hand, I also say that it is impossible that I can be with a Turkish man or any man who is not into yoga because we would not be compatible at all with my life style- waking up early, sleeping early, being vegetarian, going off to India for many months each year… we would not have much in common, and they would think that I am weird, etc, etc…

I have also been thinking that regarding relationships, I am starting a new period with new understanding. It is not like I suddenly grew up about them but I try to look at things from different angles. I am trying to understand why it does not work when it does not, I try to see what I put into the relationship with my own energy and actions, and I try to understand another’s reactions and behaviors… Of course, I sometimes get fed up and give up and think that all this being whole within before you can attract the right one is just a talk, not much truth in it and all this relationship stuff boils down to luck… But still, there is some kind of change and hopefully there is since everything else is changing in this life and I am growing even if it does not feel like. And since I am starting to see and approach things differently and thinking that I am starting a new period, before all that or with all that “new period”, with these dreams I am being shown (by my unconscious mind) that I also better see that how I used to be with those people who were willing to be with me. Until now, I have seen things from one corner, forgetting these ones who were happy with me, and thinking about the ones who made me really question myself and in a way make me feel not good enough. It is not just being incompatible or men not finding me attractive or men here in this country being too macho for me… but also my tendency to be attracted to men who are not available, who have usually going through stuff when I meet them and who will obviously make me suffer or force me to leave, and also, my tendency to get bored, or run off when things seem to be able to work just fine. My tendency of being attracted to charismatic but dark and impossible ones. I guess my dreams are telling that it is also time to forget about the “dream”, the perfect one in my mind because mostly those who seemed perfect to me are the ones who left a big scar in my heart and then I have left the ones who could have a relationship… So, I guess this time I am being asked “do I really want a relationship and if yes what will I do when someone is willing to go ahead with it, will I run off to another more charismatic, and of course more problematic one or go ahead with what is in front of me?”

All in all, commitment issues that I have seen on the others were all within me as well. So far, I have been committed to one thing and that has been, yes, my practice, and maybe now I can be more with other things in my life… This practice, for some, is a torture, doing a physically demanding practice everyday and doing the same asanas every day. I have heard people say “isn’t it boring to do same practice everyday?” or “if you are an ashtangi and doing the same practice everyday, you are not respecting your body”. Therefore, for some people, it is the same practice everyday, but for us, who do the practice everyday, we know that it is not the same everyday. It changes from day to day, somedays feels like my energy is bursting and I move with ease; somedays I feel energy is low but still I am in the asana, maybe not flying through vinyasas, but it ease me to breath in the asanas; some days my mind distracts me to elsewhere and my body yearns for presence… And what happens when I do this practice daily, when I give myself this time to practice and what happens when I leave it? At the time I discovered this practice, it was when I really needed to find something to commit in my life (yes, again there was an impossible situation in my life) and with this practice, I began committing to something. Now, I look and see that commitment to the practice has been the one beautiful thing that happened to me in the last few years. Of course, there is also need to ask what is expected from this commitment to the practice: are we expecting to develop wings and fly, become a superstar yogi who can do difficult asanas, etc… Well, this commitment for me is the time I give to myself daily to be with myself and to work on myself, to watch my mind, to see my ideas of impossible and how they are shattered, to see my ambitions and how they cannot be means to get where I want to get and to see the change all around through the changes in my body... So, now I see with commitment to one thing, many things in my life changed. And maybe doors to more commitments in my life are opening...

The body

This week boiled down to some illuminating perspective… The week began with my big toe nail which start chipping in the middle and then start digging in my toe, making it bleed and ache… I tried to trim it and all that, and so I made it until today with the practice; however, today, it was just hurting too much through out the sun salutes and vinyasas… On the other hand, I was also not planning to do a whole practice since I had to run to the doctor to have a small operation; therefore, it was fine to cut my practice short… Then, I went to the doctor, he had to freeze this chronic wound in the opening of my uterus, so it would not lead to something else in the future. God, that was pretty painful. I thought I had high tolerance of pain but this was a different kind of pain, not what I was expecting. The pain just diffuse from the area he was working at, to my legs and my knees became jelly like, and inside me, it was burning… Well, it is done and now there is this ache, which I know will be much much less tomorrow… After I came home, I began thinking about practice and how it would be if I kept aching inside tomorrow, and wishing the big toe getting healed soon and if not, then damn luck since just a little bit more than a week left to Mysore, bla bla bla… Then, I suddenly remembered my friend Lorraine with whom I met in Goa this last April. At the time, she had a broken foot and she began coming to practice with all of us! She modified her practice for her broken foot but did not stop practicing! She was an inspiration, also a proof of devotion, and encouraging for times of injury… And here I am worrying about my broken nail! Pointless, rite? Afterwards, I was looking at my mails and then saw this email form Yoga mates, they had an interview with Matthew Sanford. I did not know him but I just went ahead and watched the interview. This Iyengar teacher is paralyzed from chest down since he was 13 years old. In this interview, he was talking about body mind connection, how principals of yoga do not discriminate between bodies; moreover, he was also talking about the inner body (or energy body) and moving beyond the physical poses… His talk really moved my heart and reminded me that there is nothing to worry about… Yes, I sometimes get ambitious.. I began worrying about not moving forward with my practice because of not having a teacher at home; I worry about the days my energy is down and the practice feels sluggish; I worry about the hurting big toe with a broken nail; I worry about this and that… But for me today it was “Hey you! These are all superficial aspects of the practice! Wake up Please!”

Two weeks to...

Yes, I am hungry…. Uhmm what more? Yes, yes, yes less than 2 weeks left to India!!! Mysore and then to Goa for R&M… very exciting! So I am already starting to feel lighter! A friend from the shala also will be coming to Goa with his girlfriend to study with us!!! It is great that I am starting to pull people towards to sources!!! Also, my house situation here is making a dramatic turn… and, and, and I will most likely, if everything goes fine, live in an area that is very close to the shala and where I can walk around etc… crossing the fingers a bit longer until things finalize hopefully!!!
Okey trying to stay calm… there is till time and things to do!

What else. Last weekend, I attended the first bit of the “vinyasa” training that has just begun in the shala. Nicol is teaching it. She is great… I enjoyed the two days I spent with her very much. It is good to do something different for a change once in a while, and also having a little idea of what all this “viyasa” is about is a plus. I am not interested teaching in this way… but I might once in a while join Nicol’s classes after this weekend. One sees how things can be challenging when doing something out of one’s regular practice…. Like warior III, it is called Dighasana – A in ashtanga and I hardly practiced that asana since it is in the 3rd series! I mean obviously it is not in my own practice and once in a blue moon, when I attended another class… Therefore, trying a different style can be a good humbling exercise also...
Well I got a eat, starving!

Here comes 31!

So I turned 31 yesterday… it was a pretty dramatic day just because of the way I felt… I was sad because I was far away, well I am always far away from the people I connect with, from the people who are close to me. Yes, I have a problem of being disconnected from people in this city and having friends who are spread around all over the world… since I went away for college 13 years ago… (wow it has been 13 years!) Therefore, yesterday I felt really down in midday. I realized that there is something not working in my life. I am not able to be present in, able to settle down in, able to except the place I am from. What to do? I really have no clue anymore. Because I am trying hard to do something, I am working on what I love the most in my life here, hoping that something will come out of it which will make me enjoy this place but not really happening. I keep finding myself missing all these other countries I have lived in and I keep finding myself feeling stuck and hopeless here… Is it my attitude, or is it the impossibility of what I am trying to do or what? Now I feel like I am writing to one of those advice columns on newspapers!

Sorry for being such a downer… Well, my sister was great yesterday, she did everything to cheer me up and at the end she succeeded. We had good time going out, having a meal and all that. So, now I am 31… a pretty grown up age it looks to me. And in this new age, I wish to find peace within myself, I wish to be connected better, ohh I wish many things… and today is a new moon so the very right time to write down wishes, so I will do that… thinking carefully, writing my wishes.

Meditation for the day!

Today I draw a card from Osho transformation tarot cards and here what I have got to meditate on!

"WISHFUL THINKING

The parable of the wish-fulfilling tree

The thinker is creative with his thoughts--this is one of the most fundamental truths to be understood. All that you experience is your creation. First you create it, then you experience it, and then you are caught in the experience--because you don't know that the source of all exists in you.

Once a man was traveling, accidentally he entered paradise. In the Indian concept of paradise there are wish-fulfilling trees, kalpatarus. You just sit underneath them, desire anything, and immediately it is fulfilled--there is no gap between the desire and its fulfillment. You think, and immediately it becomes a thing; the thought realizes automatically.

These kalpatarus are nothing but symbolic for the mind. Mind is creative, creative with its thoughts.

The man was tired, so he fell asleep under a wish-fulfilling tree. When he woke up he was feeling very hungry, so he said, "I wish I could get some food from somewhere." And immediately food appeared out of nowhere--just floating in the air, delicious food. He immediately started eating, and when he was feeling very satisfied, another thought arose in him: "If only I could get something to drink..." And there is no prohibition in paradise so immediately, precious wine appeared.

Drinking the wine, relaxed in the cool breeze of paradise under the shade of the tree, he started wondering, "What is happening? Have I fallen into a dream, or are some ghosts around and playing tricks with me?" And ghosts appeared! They were ferocious, horrible, nauseating. He started trembling, and a thought arose in him: "Now I am sure to be killed. These people are going to kill me." And he was killed.

This parable is an ancient parable, of immense significance. Your mind is the wish-fulfilling tree--whatsoever you think, sooner or later it is fulfilled. Sometimes the gap is such that you have completely forgotten that you had desired it in the first place--sometimes the gap is of years, or sometimes of lives, so you can't connect the source. But if you watch deeply you will find all your thoughts are creating you and your life. They create your hell, they create your heaven. They create your misery, they create your joy. They create the negative, they create the positive. Everybody is a magician, spinning and weaving a magic world around himself, and then he is caught--the spider itself is caught in its own web.

Once this is understood, things start changing. Then you can play around; then you can change your hell into heaven--it is just a question of painting it from a different vision. Or if you are so much in love with misery you can create as much as you want, to your heart's content. But then you are never complaining, because you know that it is your creation, it is your painting, you cannot make anybody feel responsible for it.

Then the whole responsibility is yours. Then a new possibility arises: you can drop creating the world, you can stop creating it. There is no need to create heaven and hell, there is no need to create at all. The creator can relax, retire. That retirement of the mind is meditation."

This week...

Some notes on this week…
Impatience regarding going to India has been growing. The first couple of days of the week I was just unhappy about… being in Istanbul, practicing all alone for the last 4 months; everyone being on vacation including my few students, so the number of students coming to very low number; not being in Mysore with the rest of my friends and practicing with them; again being in Istanbul… so it was just like this, on and on…
Then, Tuesday, a student of mine came to class late, everyone else was done with their practice and the last entrance time was passed, so I was also already doing my sun salutations when she arrived. Therefore, we practiced side by side, and this meant that me practicing with someone else for the first time since I got back from India! It was very nice, very nice gift for me!
However, Wednesday morning, I was still not happy (uhh) still the resentment about all those things… then, when it was time for me to practice, during the invocation, I decided to dedicate my practice to my unhappy state. I thought that maybe something good can come out of it. And just like that, practice became very good and for the very first time, I felt the power of back bending asanas of second series. It was all talk for me when I heard second series is heart opening, etc… I do those specific asanas ( Salabasana, Bhekasana, Dhanurasana, Parsva Dhanurasana, Ustrasana, Laghu Vajraasana, Kapotasana…) fine but I never felt my heart opening or something… but this time, I felt this happiness rising in my chest as I did them, it was surprising, it was nice… and when the practice was over, after my shower was over, after my dressing up was over, after I head out of the shala, I realized how lucky I am to be doing what I love the most. I am practicing and I am teaching this practice, how on earth I forgot this fact! Well, of course I am also drained, tired; tired physically and tired of students who do not really get the concept of daily practice, so I need a break, and I need to be recharged for sure. But still, it is good, it will be good and I do not need to worry about things much. Also, my sister is back from her vacation (see everyone is vacating!), this means we can continue with our chess learning phase…

The Black Cat Incident!

Okay, things got really funny here last night around 1AM. I live in a room in my sister’s house. She has an apartment with a garden and my room is downstairs, well was downstairs- ground level with a little window looking to the garden. I liked this room, it was big enough, private enough… and I made a little corner for myself with photos of my respected masters, and enough space for me to do my practice… But then two weeks ago, while I was practicing I saw this black street cat hanging on the wire mosquito net on my window and then turning around and pissing towards my window! Yaks! So this was the reason for time to time cat piss smell I was having! Not any of my sisters three cats! Well, me being a Virgo, I got really irritated by this. So I stopped opening my window (even though it is August in Istanbul!) I cleaned everything in my little altar to be and we cleaned the window and my sister put vinegar on the window so it would repel the black cat… But I kept smelling the sour piss smell although I kept my window shut and burned incense and sprayed Aurosoma room sprays…

Last night, in the middle of my sleep, I was awaken with a noise, and I saw a black shadow hanging on my window, pulling the wire nets and then the shadow leaving with a nice piss smell behind! Uhh, first I though I could sleep over this, do whatever cleaning up I need to do next day, but I could not sleep. After an hour, I gave up and got up. I looked up by the window to see the marks he left behind and while I was trying to close the blinders furiously, the plastic stick to close them came off … So, I went outside of my room to see if there was a chair I can take in to step on it and fix the blinders. I found a high stool, I brought it in and then I stepped on this high but light stool which did not stay under my feet for long and slid away with me falling off and bringing the big mirror leaning to the wall down as well… First thing I looked was to see if the mirror was okey since it is bad luck to broke a mirror, and then I looked to see if I broke something in my body… We were bought okey with me having a large scratch on my right ribs. But at this point, I was really upset… tears started roll down my cheeks and so, I decided it is time to sit on my mat for a while and then breath for a bit and then go on with my practice… I was still angry but I decided to channel this energy towards my practice. I knew I would be strong unlike my weakness of the past few days because I found out this winter while I was working in Pune at the Osho Commune, that I get angry and that this anger has lots of energy, and it is okay to be angry and it can even give birth to something beautiful if I can use it. Instead of trying to suppress it or pretend that it did not exists, I was recommended to acknowledge it and look at it… Well, I sat and I breathed and then I began my practice… It was around 2:45 A.M. I had energy and clearness of a well rested morning… I did my whole practice including the handstand practices by the wall and then lay on my mat for shavasana. It was a good practice and I wondered whether I should thank this black cat which has been making my room sting and waking me up in the middle of the morning… because it woke me up to do a practice that was solid. I realized that when I was worrying about getting weaker and all that, I was worrying for nothing…. It was my mind making me uneasy… I remembered the time I got poisoned in Pune just when I was suppose to begin working… and how that got me weak… but at that time, I minded this little; as soon as I was up, I began practicing without much worrying about whether I was moving forward or backward. When I went back to Goa to study with Rolf again, it all came back anyways… We are suppose to see that we are not this body, we are not this mind, we are something beyond all that, but this awareness does not come instantaneously or by hearing it. I do not know when I will get it and calm down for good… yet, as Cary used to say yoga is one step ahead two steps back… at the time, I took what she said for only asana practice but now I see it contains more.

I remember after I took 9 days of because of the new tattoo on my shoulder and got weaker with my practice, someone telling me that it was all right, no big deal because there is so much time ahead to practice. I always had that in mind but forgot it recently… and now I also see that there is so much time ahead to build the Mysore classes here… I still need to work on myself… if I try to keep going without paying attention to myself, it would lead to something not so enjoyable. For some, starting something and leaving it behind after few months is not clever but for me it is okey. This was the first trial, I began with very low expectation and it went fine. I think, after I come back, it will be fine again and maybe better. I do not feel guilty or doubtful about leaving next month because I see that if I do not, I will stop enjoying what I am doing. I am not strong enough and that is probably why people wait much longer than me to begin teaching Mysore style… but circumstances here led me to teaching Mysore style which is the best way to teach for me anyway. But I also have to be honest with myself and take care when I need caring…

After the practice last morning, I still had sometime to leave the house to go to the shala. Therefore, I turned on my computer to look for flights to India. I decided to leave a bit earlier than what I have decided before… instead of struggling here and loosing perspective, I go and work on my practice, regroup with my friends and have the opportunity to see few who would be gone by the time I arrive to Mysore.

Weakening...

I have gotten weaker during the last two weeks. It happened suddenly or maybe I just realized it suddenly after it became more evident. Therefore, last Tuesday, I decided not waking up at 3 A.M. to do my practice before teaching, but practicing after I teach the Mysore classes. Also, I decided to eat better… I thought waking up so early and slacking with my diet had caused me to get weaker. And how did I realize that I got weaker? Well, in Goa, Rolf wanted me to do handstands by the wall after backdrops and I kept that going on here as well… until last week when I suddenly could not go up. I was so frustrated because I was hoping to get further with this not backwards. The real thing he wanted me to do was going up into handstands with two feet together, so kicking up was the easy version to get stronger… which I could do fine until last week! I get upset of not being able to go up and then I got upset because I was getting upset over this… and on and on… here again, my issues of strength which is not only physical but also internal I guess… and then feeling like a jerk because I am being competitive (yes with myself!) … then I know, actually no handstands until one begins third series… so what is going on! I am loosing it and I feel uber tired because it is suddenly all too much, the Mysore classes, my own quiet long practice and the extra beginners classes that I am teaching for my friend…
On top of all, I do not feel guess what? so solid! You know what happened last week, during silent sitting before I began the beginners asana class, this one girl began telling me something about her friend who was late to class. Since it was silent sitting, I told her to be silent and that they will come after this part is over. There is a sign outside saying “if you are late to class, please wait until the meditation ends to enter in”. So, I assumed that they will read the sign and enter in few minutes when I begin the class. But see, this girl who was talking during silent sitting got mad at me and left the class… I had no intentions of patronizing or anything… I just wanted other students and this girl as well to be able turn in and stay in their own moments for few minutes but obviously I am not the one to decide that… I learned something new…
Uff wish me good luck. I am so yearning for Mysore and Goa… but you know what, I also really want be able to stay content wherever I am or if not, taking action to be in that some place where I will be content!!!! GOOD LUCK to me… I am selfishly envies of you all my friends who are in MYSORE!