Weakening...

I have gotten weaker during the last two weeks. It happened suddenly or maybe I just realized it suddenly after it became more evident. Therefore, last Tuesday, I decided not waking up at 3 A.M. to do my practice before teaching, but practicing after I teach the Mysore classes. Also, I decided to eat better… I thought waking up so early and slacking with my diet had caused me to get weaker. And how did I realize that I got weaker? Well, in Goa, Rolf wanted me to do handstands by the wall after backdrops and I kept that going on here as well… until last week when I suddenly could not go up. I was so frustrated because I was hoping to get further with this not backwards. The real thing he wanted me to do was going up into handstands with two feet together, so kicking up was the easy version to get stronger… which I could do fine until last week! I get upset of not being able to go up and then I got upset because I was getting upset over this… and on and on… here again, my issues of strength which is not only physical but also internal I guess… and then feeling like a jerk because I am being competitive (yes with myself!) … then I know, actually no handstands until one begins third series… so what is going on! I am loosing it and I feel uber tired because it is suddenly all too much, the Mysore classes, my own quiet long practice and the extra beginners classes that I am teaching for my friend…
On top of all, I do not feel guess what? so solid! You know what happened last week, during silent sitting before I began the beginners asana class, this one girl began telling me something about her friend who was late to class. Since it was silent sitting, I told her to be silent and that they will come after this part is over. There is a sign outside saying “if you are late to class, please wait until the meditation ends to enter in”. So, I assumed that they will read the sign and enter in few minutes when I begin the class. But see, this girl who was talking during silent sitting got mad at me and left the class… I had no intentions of patronizing or anything… I just wanted other students and this girl as well to be able turn in and stay in their own moments for few minutes but obviously I am not the one to decide that… I learned something new…
Uff wish me good luck. I am so yearning for Mysore and Goa… but you know what, I also really want be able to stay content wherever I am or if not, taking action to be in that some place where I will be content!!!! GOOD LUCK to me… I am selfishly envies of you all my friends who are in MYSORE!