Sunday, June 27, 2010

All this...

Few weeks back, I read an article by Sri Swami Sivananda which was published at Namarupa’s April volume. The article’s title was Guru and it was about (no surprise) Gurus. What is it to be a Guru, and why there is need for a Guru, sticking with only one Guru, parampara meaning spiritual knowledge handed down from Guru to disciple, and then meaning of initiation, and then sakti sanchar, transmission of spiritual power from Guru to disciple, but also need for effort by the disciple, mare touch of the Guru is not enough… Most of these I heard from teachers before. Then the other day I read the May Volume of Namarupa and this time there was an article about Jillellamudi Mother who was considered to be reincarnation of Divine Mother. The article was the story of Mother being initiated by a Guru but it was not an ordinary story, it was not an ordinary initiation since at the end the “Guru” had been initiated by the Mother! When she was young, the Mother taken by a relative to Rajamma who was doing initiation in mantra yoga. Rajamma was acting the Guru to the book as it would be described but she had not experienced the Divine and the Mother at the time was already in touch with the divine. So, the initiation process took sometime, and the Mother challenged Rajamma in their conversations to show that the Guru and the disciple are not different from one another, that the one who is initiated and the one who initiated are One, that the ritual is there and one does it but once the One is experienced then you are free from all that… “… for Mother, God was not an abstraction. He was a lived fact, a supreme fact which includes all–ignorance as well as wisdom, weakness as well as power, darkness as well as light.” At the end of it, Mother was saying that God is the only Guru and he finds you, plants a seed in you… This was a good story, which reminded of Osho, I guess Mother’s wit… At the same time, I was reminded of the talks I have listened by one of my teachers… Remembering the talks by our teacher where he would explain “Krishna says everything emanates out of me. So, also as you think that you are such a bad mediator while you sit in your cushion, Krishna says that’s me too, you say I am ignorance and Krishna goes yep that is me too, and on and on… if one gives away the sense of specialness, things become ecstatic; reframing, everything becomes Krishna…” Therefore, I have been contemplating around these teachings… Trying to reevaluate how I see things, how I respond to them, my intelligence understanding but my conditional reactions still being there, yet still going back and remembering those who show me the way, who plant the seed, the Guru.

It has been difficult for me this past month. It was nothing really vital but still there were confusions, some hard feelings by others, things to decide, trying to reach agreements… Well, the thing was I and my friend P. decided to teach together and work for ourselves, create our own space, hopefully our own shala. However, there have been some confusions around all this andwe try to understand other people and their feelings and perspectives. Our plan to realize this was much further away but to be honest, we told it much earlier, 6 months before, still it was not enough time for some… Yet, I believe, we believe all will be fine. My friends’ with whom I worked for the last two years offered their space again which was really heartening and supportive, we appreciated their openness. However, we decided it is time to move on, grow up and realize our dream by ourselves. Of course, I get shocked sometimes with some reactions of others… It makes me think that I was not able to share/give anything, but not only that I question what yoga is good for if it will end up like this? What are we taking with us? On the other hand, I am trying to see that this is not yoga, not the responsibility of the practice or mine, everyone is responsible for their own actions… Well, for me it has been difficult because I can be too sensitive but each day was like a reminder to try to wake up to the reality… And also to realize that all is Krishna, the one who criticizes and who praises, the one who insults and who supports, my weaknesses and my good sides, all is the divine…

In the mids of all this, my practice has been full on. I realized that how it keeps me together. Some days, the early morning practices were the only times I felt a bit of peace and experienced a space free of worry. One more time, I was thankful for the practice, for the tools I was taught in the practice, with the practice; watching, listening, sitting and having faith…

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Ganga and this and that...

Last Wednesday morning I had a dream that got stuck in my mind… it was somehow powerful I guess. In my dream, I was pregnant and at the same time I was about to get married. The main thing in the dream was that I knew the baby was a boy and I wanted to name him Ganga. My friend, whom I was getting married to, was really against this. But I was really determined, I was saying that Ganga was such a good name and I already knew Baba Puri’s son and daughter, Ganga and Gangotri, who were brilliant, lovely people. My friend on the other hand was saying that so many people died by that river because of the conflict between India and Pakistan… well the river is not by Pakistan, but this is a dream… Anyways, I was not gonna change my mind, he was Ganga. According to some friends, being pregnant might indicate that I will give birth to something new, a new project, a new beginning, a job, etc…

Today is mom’s birthday. I spent most of the weekend with my parents. It was lovely in the island. We picked sour cherries and plums with my father in their garden. I love sour cherries even though they are really sour ☺ Mom was happy to be together. This morning I practiced in the living room. I sweated a lot at some point because the sun was just rising across… Then someone opened the door behind and the fresh island air came in. Afterwards, I had breakfast with mom…

For lunch, I met with C and D who are visiting Istanbul. They are here for one of their friends’ wedding. We went to a restaurant called Çiya which has regional food. This was also my first time in that restaurant. It was nice, we had lots of different kind of greens. The restaurant is on the Anatolian side. I came there directly from the island, they came from the European side. After lunch we took the boat back to the European side. While we were walking back to the port from the restaurant, I could not resist going into one of the dried fruits and nuts store. I got some dried figs and almonds, they got some dried apricots. Out from the store, C saw the olive oil soaps in another shop, so they got some of that. The boat ride was nice, it was very enjoyable since I was with two others who were really loving Istanbul, and curious about the city. I love the boat rides always but with friends like this, it was even better… Yeah, I felt all jolly when we said goodbye and parted ways. I hope they come back soon.

Monday, June 14, 2010

Farewell one more time...

Impermanence… keep reading about this, listening about this, but the understanding comes with experience. Joseph has also gone, Joseph Dunham. So many passing from our lives… I wish him peace. He will be missed…

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These days, everything seems in flux. Something is on the way, the thing is to decide what it is… we will do that, without hurrying, patience and listening… Nothing to worry actually but the anxiety comes with trying to make the right choice while trying to stay with our intention. Yes, vagueness…

Practice is full power in a sense that it is the space where I have the most peace of mind. So, I see one more time, even if it does not take me anywhere, it holds me together.

By the way, I made the laundry detergent and it works fine… I like it. Not difficult to make it either.

Saturday, June 12, 2010

Coffee Cup

This week also has passed. Half of it was dark and rainy and the other half turned out to be sunny and bright and just like the weather, my mood also. Maybe not as sudden switches as with the weather but from going really dark to getting lighter and to more optimistic and to smiling and strong… I now see that the period my friend was talking about when she read my coffee cup last summer was this one… I have a friend who is very psychic and I really like her, she can be a bit crazy at times ☺ I enjoy her reading my coffee cup which is a Turkish tradition. After you drink the Turkish coffee there is a big lump of coffee grounds at the bottom of your small cup and you cover the cup with the plate of the cup and then turn it around so the coffee cup is upside down. Then you wait until the cup cools down, and afterwards the person who will read the coffee cup opens it and tells you what they see from all the shapes formed by the coffee grounds ran down the side of the cup and dried out… My sister and I are really untalented in this; whenever we look into the cup, we try to see things, first say ohh I see a girl, I see fish, etc… and then end up with “ufff I donnu” I guess the point is not trying to see things but either you just make up stuff ☺ or if you are really psychic you connect with your insight and the coffee cup is only a medium which helps you tell what you foresee… Anyways, the last time my friend read my coffee cup she told me that there is one period coming up which will be difficult and when it is over I will say “ohh ok I have done it, it is over, I resolved what there is to resolve…” but that is only cleaning one shelf and there is one above, thus there will be another period which will be also very trying and even more but will be good for me to clear more garbage. So I see now I am there, in the second shelf… The good thing is there are good resources out there to help one. I had a beautiful session yesterday with a very good Osho therapist. How she could be so simple and get all that out of me in less than an hour and see things clearly and help initiate a transformation? I was amazed. I heard that she is like that but of course there is always doubt… but after the session I could not feel any doubt, there was no question in my mind because everything was so clearly laid out in front of me. However, to go on, effort is needed, nothing happens by its own. For the transformation to take its course, to take off, as the famous astrologist in Mysore keeps saying, “Human effort is needed” ☺

Friday, June 04, 2010

Last Goodbye

We went to see Bodhi Ray before they put him in the coffin and wrapped him up. It took me a while to find the funeral house because the address, which was given was the old address, they moved to another place, but I made it. The funeral house was amongst auto repair shops, kind of a weird place to be but I guess here it is like that… When I arrived there were few other sannyasins, Bodhi Ray’s body in white sheets with his mala over, a bouquet of white and red roses, and an Osho photo… Osho songs, the ones which usually played during death celebrations, were playing from someone’s ipod… Some sang softly to the music, swaying their bodies, some were crying, some were just standing… His face was smiling, eyes open… felt peaceful. Tears rolled down from my eyes… It was not necessarily sadness; it was remembering what he has given, shared with me during my first time in Pune when I did his breath group. It was the first intense group I did, so what I saw, realized and experienced during that group stayed with me very alive… I remembered his energy, his insight, and his softness… It was beautiful… I felt that he had a good life, he was comfortable with himself, he was open to people and was able to share so well… After a while, they put him in his coffin, we put his mala, the roses, the Osho photo over and left his face open before they closed it up. It was good to see him, good to say last goodbye. Thank you Bodhi Ray, thank you...

Wednesday, June 02, 2010

One moment we are here and another moment...

How everything is unpredictable actually… As I write these lines, I remember the disappointment of my econometrics teacher after 9/11. How all his predictions became garbage after that one morning… how he realized that as much as we want, there is no way of predicting the future really… Life has a way of showing us the reality, sometimes brutally, in a way which makes us feel silly about all of our worries, suffering… Sometimes it comes like a blow... But I also realize that most of our suffering comes not from this present time, but from our past, from our childhood and maybe from past lives, stuck on us, we carry them wherever we go and trying to shake them off now and then…
Today I was reminded that one moment we are here and another moment we have gone… how actually there is an urgency to live this life as it deserves to be lived… my heart is with my friend, my heart is with the one who has gone, and we will all remember him and we will all be with her, with love…