Thursday, April 23, 2009

After thoughts

Reflections on a conversation with a friend… It really struck me when P. said something similar to “ they look good maybe but do they feel good inside? Maybe a perfect looking trikonasana but how do they feel inside or do they feel at all?” I hung on to these words and some more for several reasons. One reason was his openness and his natural way, easy going way, even making me relax at the very moment, reminding me why I love yoga in the first place. Another was that he reminded me something I realized while I was in India… When I arrived to India and began practicing I realized that how I was beginning to get obsessed with alignment when I was back at home teaching. I think one reason for this was the reputation of ashtangis for having bad alignment. I was afraid of being judged by others with how I teach and how students look, so I was getting obsessed with alignment in class and also in my own practice… this was a bit silly and again obsessive but I was concerned nevertheless… and then when I got to India, I relaxed and recognized this obsession. And now, I ask, how far one can get looking perfect in a pose? Is there a limit to making it look better and better? Isn’t the actual key feeling comfortable in the pose? I donnu… this is rather a tricky question to answer. For sure, alignment is important and we cannot dismiss the certain rules; however, after some point, we also have to let go, otherwise I might be in Warrior 2 for a whole day or two… the knee, the back leg, the pelvis, the torso, arms… but then enough already just breath….

Well, so how do we feel inside, how does yoga makes us feel or the realization of how we feel while practicing… I guess these are the fundamentals…

Then when P. mentioned “learning in silence” I went aha that is what I could not put into words… I kept saying “there is this magic in Mysore, I don’t know if it is the energy of the shala or the energy of practicing with so many people…” kept on “Practicing with all these people you begin doing things that you were not able to do, you see things and then some how you also start doing them…” Well the short way of saying all this is “Learning in silence”! and when it is put in this way, it is even stronger.

What else… The winter made a come back to Istanbul ☹ It has been rainy, cold, even little snow I saw yesterday… This makes it harder to go out of the house early in the morning, but I suppose these are the last bits of the winter, and the sunshine will come back very soon.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Another's breath and etc...

Another week. So far so good. Students seem full power this week. It makes me happy and tired ☺ in a good way like tired from working not tired from boredom…
My own practice is fine. I realize that the days Flor comes to practice early is kind of blessing for me. I really like the company of another while practicing even if they are at the other corner of the room. Just hearing another breathing… My energy really gets a boost.

I am slowly but consistently reading the Zen mind Beginners Mind. I read one or two chapters everyday and also go over the previous chapter I read each day… I try to really absorb what Suziki was saying. I liked yesterdays chapters, practicing without any aim otherwise we miss the practice, we are always trying to catch up with our aim. HE is talking about the zazen practice but I think it is true for all practices… And I am sitting each day even if it is for 5 or 20 minutes…

With the practice, I feel like something different with jumping up but I feel that
I think this every week… so now I am not getting excited or discouraged, just jumping. But I have to share this about yesterday, before jumping to Bakasana B, I imagined Rolf standing in front of me to catch me as he does, and wowoow I jumped really high and over, it felt like almost! I was giggling afterwards because I really saw that I was scared like Rolf was telling me ☺

Sunday, April 19, 2009

the weekend...

I had a very nice Saturday yesterday in spite of it being coffee free day! Yes, the whole week was very heavy energetically and also emotionally… maybe due to mars Uranus conjunction, and Saturn slowing down… well it was tough but I made it, we all made it…

Yesterday I met with the other ashtangi in town. I am very grateful for having him as a friend. Spending time with someone who is also on the same journey, and sharing experiences with him are really priceless. I am also learning a lot from him just by talking. He is very inspiring and true to the practice. I am very happy that he is teaching here in Istanbul also.

Yes, yesterday was coffee free and I slept until 10:10AM!!!! Crazy right! Well, I guess I needed it, the body needed it… I also went to bed early again, and woke up just before 5AM this morning. On Sunday mornings, I do not go to the shala to practice because the vibe outside is not nice, I guess due to Saturday night out goers… I am not in any way against going out at night but the vibe is really different and a bit scary than other 4AM mornings of the week… Therefore, I decided to practice at home on Sunday mornings, and my house needs it anyway, energy wise. My own practice was okey, maybe a bit more power is needed… but it was fine. Then, went to the shala to teach the talk through class…

Today is a very sunny Sunday, and there is a birthday to attend!

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Energy shift

I woke up this morning pretty sleepy… But I was not bothered by it because I knew it already, it is the heavy energy of Saturn this week… Got to the shala in the dark and began practicing slowwwlllyyy… But then at one point something happened, something significant and I became full power as Rolf would put it. Yes, I really felt that my energy changed, got lifted up and at the same time, I realized I was feeling pretty good, like no trace of the depressed mood I have been recently… I doonu what happened, what made this difference. But the first thing came to my mind was the pranayama/meditation class of David I attended after my own class... During the day, I also practiced at home the ashtanga pranayama I learned from Rolf and then sat for meditation for a while… so it was double dose of all… maybe that was the key. And I did double dose because In Zen Mind Beginners Mind Suzuki says:

“Actually the best way to relieve your mental suffering is to sit in zazen, even in such a confused state of mind and bad posture. If you have no experience of sitting in this kind of difficult situation you are not a Zen student. No other activity will appease your suffering. In other restless positions you have no power to accept your difficulties, but in the zazen posture which you have acquired by long, hard practice, your mind and body have great power to accept things as they are, whether they are agreeable or disagreeable.
When you feel disagreeable it is better for you to sit. There is no other way to accept your problem and work on it….
When you are sitting in the middle of your problem, which is more real to you: your problem or you yourself? The awareness that you are here, right now is the ultimate fact. This is the point you will realize by zazen practice….”

So, I decided to sit at noon to see what happens. Then at night, when I was sitting with all the other people in class, I kept asking myself what is more real: my so called problems or myself who is sitting here right now? Maybe it worked or my stars shifted in the morning and I became full power with better mood, energetic and joyous :)… and I guess it was pretty noticeable...

Monday, April 13, 2009

Moping is no fun, but it happens...

I am not going to pretend that all is fine with me. I am a bit depressed for the last couple of days… the marks of that is already in my previous post anyways…

What to do, what to do? Lots of things are churning within me…
But at the same time, I am trying to look at all this and stay calm, take it easy, not panic, try to get inspired from my lovely ashtangi friends and my teachers. Trying to keep in mind that they also probably struggled at some points but kept going and believing that their devotion will bring light.
Therefore, I am trying find lightness within… yes, it is a bit heavy inside…

But then, there are things like my friend trimming the dry ends of my hair yesterday which was very nice… I am growing the hair, resisting the temptation to cut it… but with Goan sunshine and ocean, it got beaten up, so a trim was what needed. My friend also told me to put a bit of oil on it everyday… Moreover, when I was over my friends' place, I got to pet this super cute white dog… she was like a cartoon, puffy, very hairy, snow white, thick ears!

Then, I am reading Zen Mind, Beginners Mind. I read half of it some years ago… I guess, at that time, I was not really getting it or able to stay focused, now I enjoy it very much. Reading this book also seems to be helping with the current state of the mind…

Well, this will also pass… I trust…

Sunday, April 12, 2009

Self doubt

I am starting to get discouraged about this whole trying to teach here, in this city, at CY. Maybe I am not suppose to say this so openly but this is how I feel in this very moment. I feel like I don’t fit in… there are too many opinions against ashtanga and I donnu what to say about it all…

Yesterday, I was feeling quiet down anyways… I felt that I am missing India a lot, and I began thinking to go back before October. To be honest, my goal is not being a popular yoga teacher or something. I am only looking for yoga and the teaching is by product of it… otherwise, it is presumptuous maybe. I do not like attitudes of I know it all anyways… I am a student in the very first place… and I love what I do, I love what I am studying and then I try to share it with all the love I have. But it seems like maybe it is not working… maybe love is not the way to approach yoga here…
Well, self doubt is knocking on the door just like my astrology prediction described… maybe I have to keep going, not give up so quickly, just believe in what I do, just watch it all and not get involved so emotionally…
let me be strong universe! then maybe I get B.B. as well...

Thursday, April 09, 2009

Full Moon Power

Happy full moon! I feel like this full moon is full of energy, which makes us see our potential… I taught two classes yesterday, one was the regular morning Mysore class and then I had a regular class during noontime. My own practice in the morning felt “full power” as Rolf would put it. There was nothing extraordinary happened, like me jumping into Bakasana B or handstand but it was a quiet stable, grounded practice…
Then, in the afternoon, I had a massage, which I booked in the beginning of the week. I really needed one… it was very nice.
But the real story….
At night, as I was being full moon wild, not going to bed at 8PM. In the mids of this wildness, I got a call from someone who came to my class during noon. She called me to share her experience during and after the class. First, I got it totally wrong because when she said the practice was strong I thought “shoot, I screwed up and did a too strong class for B2 level…” But then I realized that she meant it was strong in a sense that it was healing and opening and clearing for her… She is someone who had been doing ashtanga on and off for a long time but because of some injury she stopped and she only sometimes practices… And yesterday, she even did a backbend, which I was not expecting because her injury was on her back. She also mentioned this, how she was scared of backbends but yesterday she did it and realized she is strong enough to do it and she can actually open up and do it! Of course during this whole conversation I was nervous, and excited and surprised… She told me that I have peaceful energy and she is happy that I teach ashtanga here and that I should keep on and that she is excited for me that I am going to R.F. training and finally she said please don’t go away to India… Well… after this talk I was shaken up a bit… and then again, one more time I felt the power of this practice. The way it touches people… I mean, of course, it was not me who made her have that experience, the healing, detoxifying, empowering practice… She decided to come to class; she came and she flowed with her breath, then she got the courage to do a backbend and realized that she can do it. In a way, the practice transformed her energy. She let the practice work on her.

I believe that the grounding power of this practice is very strong. It makes one to go on, makes one to hold on and be strong. At least, for me, one the most powerful aspect of this practice has been this. But this is not the only one, it also shows us how we have all these limitations in our minds about what we can and cannot do. We actually have no idea of what we are capable of doing, we judge ourselves too harshly sometimes. I know that this is the case for me… It was the case when I was trying to do my backdrops, I was so scared and thought I can not do them at all… Indeed, before coming drop backs, when I saw Marichyasana B not even D, I was like hahah you think that knee will come down and then I will bind?!… and then the first time, I bind to lotus, it was maybe for a breath but I was so excited and surprised… And now I have been trying and struggling with Bakasana B and jumping into handstands with two legs… My initial response was ohh it will never happen, ohh I am not strong enough, ohh I do not know how to jump up… and on and on… and I was so frustrated so discouraged with myself and I was feeling so weak which made me judge myself so much. I felt like a looser, and even quitting practice passed my mind when I was in Goa struggling with all this. The practice was already more emotional than physical… First month I told Marci I won’t try handstands anymore because I cannot do them, something happened that I cannot even kick to the wall for handstands… because I was so nervous, I was afraid that I could not do it, and of course I could not. But then a month later I asked for help from Marci for Bakasana B and then yes I had to begin practicing jumping into handstands with two feet again. She told me to not judge myself and just play with it like kids do. She said just try everyday and be playful about it like we would do when we were kids and she said that at some point, you will be so tired of not being able to do it that you will do it… I am still waiting for that moment. Some mornings, I ask myself “aren’t you tired of not being able to do it? just do it and get over with it…” so then I jump harder with more commitment… I also remind myself I keep practicing and when my body and my mind, shortly myself is ready, it will happen. And so just like that, last night, I dreamed that I did it, and the funny think it just happened, there was no such huge physical effort to it, it happened very lightly, smoothly. This is my third such dream! Maybe it means I am getting closer and closer. They say that if you can dream it, you will do it! I feel like this is all full moon power, showing me and many others like me that there is more to what we can do it.

In fact, all this is not limited to asana practice. I see now that we usually have no idea of the extent of our effect on other people. I had no clue that yesterday’s class could touch someone like it did, but also I think she had no clue how she touched me either. Yesterday during the day, many hours before this talk, for several times, I taught to myself that how lucky I am to have someone like her, who can actually be my teacher, coming to my classes. I kept thinking that she is such an example of humility and grace and that I should learn from her. I guess I was right because she showed me more than I was aware of.

Then, I guess, there are ones who overestimates themselves but that is another story which I cannot elaborate on…

Wednesday, April 01, 2009

Don't care anymore...

Yey, I don't care much anymore about this trademark stuff... well, if I can, I will object the process because I think we should be free to say we teach Ashtanga Yoga, Hatha Yoga, whatever Yoga but now I also believe that they cannot really prevent us and yes there will be the threat of a large some of fine if they want to enforce this right which they might own... well, I guess universe will take care.. whatever is suppose to happen will happen.

By the way this change of daylight saving time change really knocked me out... I feel tired... that biological clock does not adjust so fast.

I just bought beautiful flowers, my first flowers for my new place!

And yes, my left knee is still not good. Have to do some serious taking care of... I have been going to Yin Yoga classes once a week to open the hips more, but I guess once a week is not enough... well I do some hip openers before practice as well... and also Maha Narayan Taila oil is not working much either... himmm I cannot remember how it happened? it began in Mysore.... need to back of more seriously I guess.