Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Moving on...

This morning, as soon as I entered the waiting area of the shala, Sharath said “you come in now, tomorrow come at 6:45! “ and so I squeezed myself to the spot right next to the door of the men’s changing room. I could not raise my arms completely during sun salutation since the ceiling over there gets lower ☺ Still, the practice flowed… I felt stronger today, maybe the resting during yesterday’s new moon or adjusting to the shala and drawing in more energy… Also probably happiness of being called earlier made me go full fuel. Whatever it was, I felt good and open and strong. At the end of the practice, while I was coming up from my third drop back, Sharath appeared in front of me, he said “ tomorrow, Pashasana” then he asked” did you do pashsana last time?” I said “no” , he said” tomorrow only pashasana!”. Yeah, I wanted to do a little dance right there but instead I was grabbing my ankles in back bends with Sharath helping me ☺ Yes, I am very happy because I was thinking that he will make me practice only primary the whole month! Well, so I am "officially" started on the second series. I think I needed this very much. I know it does not matter whether you do only primary or maybe only half of primary or second or third… on the other hand, I am one of those people who can do better with a bit of encouragement. I am happy to be here, I think it will help me get my practice stronger. The energy in the shala is good and I really enjoy practicing with all these people! I feel thankful today, and I hope to remember this everyday!

Also, today I had my second rolfing session with Ken the Rolfer. I am starting to really enjoy this work. It is not the most pleasant body-work but it is very good for body awareness. I know you will ask what are you doing when practicing yoga but we do not really know every tendency of our body and also we get lazy and go back to our habits which are not so good for us… so Ken’s work is really bringing me back to my body and also making me feel more grounded… I am also learning a lot about my body from him and that by itself is bringing more information about how to look at other bodies….

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Briefly...

Very briefly..
I made it to Mysore! I arrived to Mumbai at 3:30AM on Monday, waited for the Bangalore flight which was at 7:30AM, cursed myself for bringing the laptop which dragged me down with its weight but I knew once I made it to destination it would be a blessing☺ … got to Bangalore, took the taxi which Murthy sent… the new airport is further away, so spent some time in Bangalore traffic…. Made it to Mysore at 2pm. Went to Joycee; she was very nice, she prepared a room for me to take rest before beginning my house/room hunt. I took a shower, passed out for 2 hours then met Murthy, changed money to pay to the shala, after seeing Sharath got much lighter ☺, and received my registration card; then, saw one room and one house, got totally confused… could not decide right away, so stayed at Joycee for a night, slept over it to decide. Went for practice at 7:15, very late!!! After so long, practicing with people again was nice, and I sweated lots, so hot in the shala… Went to breakfast for Tina’s. Back to housing situation, decided to take the room but at the last minute got the house! And moved in... and then life starts rolling… Already been to Ashoka bookstore and Rashinkars. I have been looking for some yoga philosophy books, could not find anything I am looking for… but got the Krishnamacharya book, “Health, Healing and Beyond”! very nice

Friday, September 19, 2008

Time to Pack!

Only couple of days left for me to fly to India one more time! On Sunday afternoon I will be taking the plain to Mumbai and arriving next morning, then flying to Bangalore and then the taxi ride to MYSORE…
So, I better begin packing… gathering some medicines and other stuff that I might need to have under my hand while I am in India. I am also wandering about accommodation. I emailed Murthy, he will send a taxi but regarding accommodation, he is a bit vague… Therefore, I contacted my friend Joycee who lives there, maybe she can help me with it… Well, I will see what happens. I might also give a call to Murthy before I leave which might be more effective.
Another adventure is awaiting me! I feel excited, very lucky and open to all that will come on my way. This morning was the last Mysore class of the year… The first attempt of me teaching Mysore style Ashtanga classes has been a mixed experience. It was not too bad because there has been always a student even if only one; on the other hand, it did not blossom either… maybe next time or next next time.... who knows.
Now, time to move on to the next adventure… hopefully all will be good as the last time… looking forward to meet with friends, and to meet with Mysore folks one more time… and of course very much looking forward to practicing in the shala!
Ahh, we (me and my sister) are listening to Devendra Banhart, the Queen Bee song from Cripple Crow, at the moment; how so lovely his music is! warming my heart...

Saturday, September 13, 2008

Commitment

For three nights in a row, I am having dreams about ex boyfriends. Each night I had a dream about one guy; the one mutual thing about these guys is that they were all perfectly into me but I have ditched them and made them suffer… It is weird I am having these dreams now, but then also maybe not, because lately I have been verbalizing that I want to have a partner. It was okey for a while not having anyone but now, I say that I want to have someone in my life. On the other hand, I also say that it is impossible that I can be with a Turkish man or any man who is not into yoga because we would not be compatible at all with my life style- waking up early, sleeping early, being vegetarian, going off to India for many months each year… we would not have much in common, and they would think that I am weird, etc, etc…

I have also been thinking that regarding relationships, I am starting a new period with new understanding. It is not like I suddenly grew up about them but I try to look at things from different angles. I am trying to understand why it does not work when it does not, I try to see what I put into the relationship with my own energy and actions, and I try to understand another’s reactions and behaviors… Of course, I sometimes get fed up and give up and think that all this being whole within before you can attract the right one is just a talk, not much truth in it and all this relationship stuff boils down to luck… But still, there is some kind of change and hopefully there is since everything else is changing in this life and I am growing even if it does not feel like. And since I am starting to see and approach things differently and thinking that I am starting a new period, before all that or with all that “new period”, with these dreams I am being shown (by my unconscious mind) that I also better see that how I used to be with those people who were willing to be with me. Until now, I have seen things from one corner, forgetting these ones who were happy with me, and thinking about the ones who made me really question myself and in a way make me feel not good enough. It is not just being incompatible or men not finding me attractive or men here in this country being too macho for me… but also my tendency to be attracted to men who are not available, who have usually going through stuff when I meet them and who will obviously make me suffer or force me to leave, and also, my tendency to get bored, or run off when things seem to be able to work just fine. My tendency of being attracted to charismatic but dark and impossible ones. I guess my dreams are telling that it is also time to forget about the “dream”, the perfect one in my mind because mostly those who seemed perfect to me are the ones who left a big scar in my heart and then I have left the ones who could have a relationship… So, I guess this time I am being asked “do I really want a relationship and if yes what will I do when someone is willing to go ahead with it, will I run off to another more charismatic, and of course more problematic one or go ahead with what is in front of me?”

All in all, commitment issues that I have seen on the others were all within me as well. So far, I have been committed to one thing and that has been, yes, my practice, and maybe now I can be more with other things in my life… This practice, for some, is a torture, doing a physically demanding practice everyday and doing the same asanas every day. I have heard people say “isn’t it boring to do same practice everyday?” or “if you are an ashtangi and doing the same practice everyday, you are not respecting your body”. Therefore, for some people, it is the same practice everyday, but for us, who do the practice everyday, we know that it is not the same everyday. It changes from day to day, somedays feels like my energy is bursting and I move with ease; somedays I feel energy is low but still I am in the asana, maybe not flying through vinyasas, but it ease me to breath in the asanas; some days my mind distracts me to elsewhere and my body yearns for presence… And what happens when I do this practice daily, when I give myself this time to practice and what happens when I leave it? At the time I discovered this practice, it was when I really needed to find something to commit in my life (yes, again there was an impossible situation in my life) and with this practice, I began committing to something. Now, I look and see that commitment to the practice has been the one beautiful thing that happened to me in the last few years. Of course, there is also need to ask what is expected from this commitment to the practice: are we expecting to develop wings and fly, become a superstar yogi who can do difficult asanas, etc… Well, this commitment for me is the time I give to myself daily to be with myself and to work on myself, to watch my mind, to see my ideas of impossible and how they are shattered, to see my ambitions and how they cannot be means to get where I want to get and to see the change all around through the changes in my body... So, now I see with commitment to one thing, many things in my life changed. And maybe doors to more commitments in my life are opening...

Friday, September 12, 2008

The body

This week boiled down to some illuminating perspective… The week began with my big toe nail which start chipping in the middle and then start digging in my toe, making it bleed and ache… I tried to trim it and all that, and so I made it until today with the practice; however, today, it was just hurting too much through out the sun salutes and vinyasas… On the other hand, I was also not planning to do a whole practice since I had to run to the doctor to have a small operation; therefore, it was fine to cut my practice short… Then, I went to the doctor, he had to freeze this chronic wound in the opening of my uterus, so it would not lead to something else in the future. God, that was pretty painful. I thought I had high tolerance of pain but this was a different kind of pain, not what I was expecting. The pain just diffuse from the area he was working at, to my legs and my knees became jelly like, and inside me, it was burning… Well, it is done and now there is this ache, which I know will be much much less tomorrow… After I came home, I began thinking about practice and how it would be if I kept aching inside tomorrow, and wishing the big toe getting healed soon and if not, then damn luck since just a little bit more than a week left to Mysore, bla bla bla… Then, I suddenly remembered my friend Lorraine with whom I met in Goa this last April. At the time, she had a broken foot and she began coming to practice with all of us! She modified her practice for her broken foot but did not stop practicing! She was an inspiration, also a proof of devotion, and encouraging for times of injury… And here I am worrying about my broken nail! Pointless, rite? Afterwards, I was looking at my mails and then saw this email form Yoga mates, they had an interview with Matthew Sanford. I did not know him but I just went ahead and watched the interview. This Iyengar teacher is paralyzed from chest down since he was 13 years old. In this interview, he was talking about body mind connection, how principals of yoga do not discriminate between bodies; moreover, he was also talking about the inner body (or energy body) and moving beyond the physical poses… His talk really moved my heart and reminded me that there is nothing to worry about… Yes, I sometimes get ambitious.. I began worrying about not moving forward with my practice because of not having a teacher at home; I worry about the days my energy is down and the practice feels sluggish; I worry about the hurting big toe with a broken nail; I worry about this and that… But for me today it was “Hey you! These are all superficial aspects of the practice! Wake up Please!”

Tuesday, September 09, 2008

Two weeks to...

Yes, I am hungry…. Uhmm what more? Yes, yes, yes less than 2 weeks left to India!!! Mysore and then to Goa for R&M… very exciting! So I am already starting to feel lighter! A friend from the shala also will be coming to Goa with his girlfriend to study with us!!! It is great that I am starting to pull people towards to sources!!! Also, my house situation here is making a dramatic turn… and, and, and I will most likely, if everything goes fine, live in an area that is very close to the shala and where I can walk around etc… crossing the fingers a bit longer until things finalize hopefully!!!
Okey trying to stay calm… there is till time and things to do!

What else. Last weekend, I attended the first bit of the “vinyasa” training that has just begun in the shala. Nicol is teaching it. She is great… I enjoyed the two days I spent with her very much. It is good to do something different for a change once in a while, and also having a little idea of what all this “viyasa” is about is a plus. I am not interested teaching in this way… but I might once in a while join Nicol’s classes after this weekend. One sees how things can be challenging when doing something out of one’s regular practice…. Like warior III, it is called Dighasana – A in ashtanga and I hardly practiced that asana since it is in the 3rd series! I mean obviously it is not in my own practice and once in a blue moon, when I attended another class… Therefore, trying a different style can be a good humbling exercise also...
Well I got a eat, starving!