Commitment

For three nights in a row, I am having dreams about ex boyfriends. Each night I had a dream about one guy; the one mutual thing about these guys is that they were all perfectly into me but I have ditched them and made them suffer… It is weird I am having these dreams now, but then also maybe not, because lately I have been verbalizing that I want to have a partner. It was okey for a while not having anyone but now, I say that I want to have someone in my life. On the other hand, I also say that it is impossible that I can be with a Turkish man or any man who is not into yoga because we would not be compatible at all with my life style- waking up early, sleeping early, being vegetarian, going off to India for many months each year… we would not have much in common, and they would think that I am weird, etc, etc…

I have also been thinking that regarding relationships, I am starting a new period with new understanding. It is not like I suddenly grew up about them but I try to look at things from different angles. I am trying to understand why it does not work when it does not, I try to see what I put into the relationship with my own energy and actions, and I try to understand another’s reactions and behaviors… Of course, I sometimes get fed up and give up and think that all this being whole within before you can attract the right one is just a talk, not much truth in it and all this relationship stuff boils down to luck… But still, there is some kind of change and hopefully there is since everything else is changing in this life and I am growing even if it does not feel like. And since I am starting to see and approach things differently and thinking that I am starting a new period, before all that or with all that “new period”, with these dreams I am being shown (by my unconscious mind) that I also better see that how I used to be with those people who were willing to be with me. Until now, I have seen things from one corner, forgetting these ones who were happy with me, and thinking about the ones who made me really question myself and in a way make me feel not good enough. It is not just being incompatible or men not finding me attractive or men here in this country being too macho for me… but also my tendency to be attracted to men who are not available, who have usually going through stuff when I meet them and who will obviously make me suffer or force me to leave, and also, my tendency to get bored, or run off when things seem to be able to work just fine. My tendency of being attracted to charismatic but dark and impossible ones. I guess my dreams are telling that it is also time to forget about the “dream”, the perfect one in my mind because mostly those who seemed perfect to me are the ones who left a big scar in my heart and then I have left the ones who could have a relationship… So, I guess this time I am being asked “do I really want a relationship and if yes what will I do when someone is willing to go ahead with it, will I run off to another more charismatic, and of course more problematic one or go ahead with what is in front of me?”

All in all, commitment issues that I have seen on the others were all within me as well. So far, I have been committed to one thing and that has been, yes, my practice, and maybe now I can be more with other things in my life… This practice, for some, is a torture, doing a physically demanding practice everyday and doing the same asanas every day. I have heard people say “isn’t it boring to do same practice everyday?” or “if you are an ashtangi and doing the same practice everyday, you are not respecting your body”. Therefore, for some people, it is the same practice everyday, but for us, who do the practice everyday, we know that it is not the same everyday. It changes from day to day, somedays feels like my energy is bursting and I move with ease; somedays I feel energy is low but still I am in the asana, maybe not flying through vinyasas, but it ease me to breath in the asanas; some days my mind distracts me to elsewhere and my body yearns for presence… And what happens when I do this practice daily, when I give myself this time to practice and what happens when I leave it? At the time I discovered this practice, it was when I really needed to find something to commit in my life (yes, again there was an impossible situation in my life) and with this practice, I began committing to something. Now, I look and see that commitment to the practice has been the one beautiful thing that happened to me in the last few years. Of course, there is also need to ask what is expected from this commitment to the practice: are we expecting to develop wings and fly, become a superstar yogi who can do difficult asanas, etc… Well, this commitment for me is the time I give to myself daily to be with myself and to work on myself, to watch my mind, to see my ideas of impossible and how they are shattered, to see my ambitions and how they cannot be means to get where I want to get and to see the change all around through the changes in my body... So, now I see with commitment to one thing, many things in my life changed. And maybe doors to more commitments in my life are opening...