Saturday, January 21, 2012

Made of Stone


Yesterday was a lousy day but then I got my visa which is a very good thing.  Everything is in the perspective.  I was stuck in my mind with something else…  which paralyzed me half of the day and it tired me, drained me immensely.  When I look at it from outside, I knew then and now that it was me who could not control my mind going all over the place and making me anxious… I could see it but I could not stop this from happening.  I know now most of the reasons why I am this or that way, but still it happens…   seeing is part of the transformation they say…  I don’t know if I believe in that anymore… 

Still this morning I felt very very much emotionally drained…  very tired…. And I keep thinking all these people I know who are much cooler, much relaxed then I am…  I envy them… and think maybe I belong alone...

Anyways, this morning dad called to let me know my mom’s brother passed away.  He was sick in the hospital at the end of last year, in emergency care.  He got better, went home. When I first visited him in the hospital, he was not conscious much and when I was by his bed side, hardly recognizing him, I could not help it, I fainted right in front him…  I felt so embarrassed…  The third time I was there, he was not in emergency care.  He was sitting up and talking  so much, talking about spices to flavor his food, about fancy pens to write with, to draw with…  He loved to draw… when I was a kid he would draw a bear to the edge of the notebook and then he would trace the same lines at the back of the paper to draw an uncle… that was his joke because he had a fat belly like a bears and in Turkish bear is “Ayi”  and unce is “Dayi”  so very similar…  now he is gone and I remember this story, his blue eyes and him in the hospital.  I was suppose to call him this week to say hi… and I did postpone it thinking I will, there is time… but in reality there is no time sometimes… we postpone things thinking there is time, but maybe there is only now to do what we want to do… what we have in mind…  to say someone you love them, to make the decisions you want to make, to realize your purpose in life… and I was thinking this morning during my practice… what is it we are here for?  And yes sometimes I think I am one of those lame people whose yoga practice defines who they are… and I was thinking that no matter how much focus on the practice, the purpose of being here on this earth is not to be a great yoga instructors, to be little imitations of R. Freeman, M. Ezraty, Sharath R…  being on this earth is about love, loving someone and giving them and receiving from them… loving your partner fully and opening your heart to them.  Loving your friends and opening up to them, giving love and receiving love… being happy for another… There is lots of barriers we put in front of this… it is us, it is the things we bring from our past, and sometimes it is from our back ground, we have no clue what they are but they are there, from our ancestors…  which might sound weird but they say yes we carry some of that energy as well…  so as I am reading the books I have about meditation, I feel very much guilty, it seems like I have a pretty sticky ego… Now I came to the conclusion that I just need to do my meditation and stop reading the books…  I do what I can do and maybe a little bit more, and see if I can first cultivate more love towards my being…
the song by Stone Roses "Made of Stone"

Friday, January 20, 2012

till mysore


This morning there were only two people the first 30 minutes of the class.  And then suddenly as if they were all at a party together last night, the rest of them came at the same time.  I donnu why I thought as if they were out together…  this is how my mind makes connections I guess…  weird… but it was nice that they came J and I managed to get them in and out timely so I could run out to get to the consulate timely…

Well, I ran to the Indian consulate to apply for my visa. The same lady who has been at the desk since I began my India trips asked me “Miss Ahu, when was the last time you were in India?”  and I smiled and said “last January but I got there from Thailand.”  And then she looked at my form and documents, she gave back some of them… she asked me whether I was going to India to learn Yoga or to practice Yoga… as much as I did not know how to answer this, I said “to practice yoga”… I was about to hand in the Visa fee; however, she told me not to pay yet and to please wait (!) just about the same time the consulate left his room…  Ohh so then I got a bit worried, began thinking what if they don’t give me the visa, we got the tickets, rented a place to stay, what if I cannot go, then what happens, how do I see N, also told the shala I am coming, and I am dying to go, well really wanting to be there and to practice and to see my friends, but most importantly, what do we do?  Bought the tickets, not returnable, not cheap…  I sat back and began waiting.  Visa service guys coming with 10 passports… a guy, a lady… waiting… the consulate came in… and after a while she called me, asked for the fee and I asked “is it a problem that I go so often?”  But as I asked the question, someone else barged in and while she was answering him, she forgot about my question and I did not want to ask again… so I left.  The passport to be picked up same day at 5PM… well until I get the passport and see the Visa, I am not sure. Waiting game, luckily a very short one. 

Other then that, it is a cold grey day.  I am waiting… waiting… waiting…  It is like Cara-Kali’s “no sleep till Mysore”…  such an appropriate name…



in Mysore city, outside of Devaraj market

Saturday, January 14, 2012

simply

Today is a snowy day :) It is lovely in some ways, of course kind of cold… but it is nice, different from my routine of last few years anyways… big flakes of snow now.  I went out in the noon to go to the organic farmers market, which is 30 minutes walking distance away…  It was watery snow while on the way there…  Walking was fine; cold but since one moves, it was not bad.  However, while I was shopping I took my gloves out to be able to pick the fruits and veggies and to pay…  At the end, I was in lots of pain, frozen fingers syndrome :p  At the time we got into the cab, I was really thankful that in this lousy weather, when there was some load to be carried with frozen fingers, taking a cab was possible J  and the cab driver was a nice man which makes a difference in the experience…

When we arrived, there was no electricity at home; it was cold and dark… I was very hungry; therefore, lack of electricity could not stop me from starting to make my soup.  So, I lighted up some candles and got going…  and at the end the lights came as well… but I realized one more time how much we are dependent on electricity, running water etc… this we are reminded a lot while in India… In Mysore, we would have electricity cuts for 3 times or so everyday and last time in Goa, we were having electric cuts almost every night…  you adapt to this…

Well another thing I realized today was connections…  I have been guilty of not embracing my country, culture, the religion I was born into.  How guilty? well not acknowledging it properly perhaps or refusing it in some sense...  As much as I believe in insignificance of where one is from in the case of relating to them, it is also important not to refuse where we come from; however, knowing this logically did not help my case…  But today I admitted something.  The connection I make with another Turk can be a bit different in some ways… Is it the same language we speak which makes communication easier and deeper or just knowing the similar experiences, same smells, same tastes, same songs or melodies, same jokes…  from childhood, from home, home of our roots, I am not so sure…  It was good to realize this, for one thing, remembering my roots …  No matter how much I do not live them myself, I know them, I relate easily and it moves something inside, like being home.  Also I realized that I might never have this kind of connection with a person from another country no matter how dear they are to me.  Maybe if they spend sometime here and experience the flavors of the daily life, the culture, they can understand like my dear Maria seems to… The good thing about realizing this was, I will not be disappointed if sometimes the connection with another from elsewhere has some gaps in it,  It is only natural…  but this is true with most connections we make.  This counts with my Ashtanga friends also.  The experiences I share with them is unique to that group, the connections I have with them is special in that context and I am not able to have the same kind of connection with others…  how I feel energized and feel home with them is also very special, different.  But today was about being in this country and realizing that I am from here.  I can relate to an old Turkish song, to its melody and words, and then walking in the back streets of Istanbul and feeling the oldness of the city and remembering how it used to make me feel nostalgic to sometime I never experienced while I was a teenager and used to write stories to that old Istanbul…  yes a special day like everyday… a snowy day.


outside from my window... kids so excited in the opposite building.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

practice


Uhh I guess I can say I feel a bit lousy…  I was sad last night and I was sad this morning.  During practice, I stopped and sobbed… and of course during pincha… my official last pose.  I am getting it slowly slowly but it has been taking sometime since I am such a Vata, having difficulty of being balanced, steady, strong…   I usually need a break of five breaths after Tittibhasana, then it seems to be happening…  of course you never know from week to week…  anyways.   It was okey to stop and sob as well…  frustration with myself, with my emotions, and with my fears and anyways this is nadi shodhana I am practicing… and perhaps there is a bit of pincha in all this, or all this is in my pincha…  During Savasana I really wondered how I would go down and teach, I just wanted to go back to bed.  It sounded like it was rainy and windy outside as it was within myself…  But then, of course as soon as I began teaching, I forgot about myself.  This is I guess the greatest gift of teaching for me, I become no mind, present… 

Well, now I can again feel my confusion, sadness…  I wonder how conditioned I am, how it runs over me.  Is it from my childhood, or even from before, my past lives or my ancestors?  I donnu.  Does meditation help me to understand myself?  I try… I sit, I dance and sit, I shake and sit, and then I simply sit…  but it is a mess in this head. 

This morning I just drew an Osho Zen Tarot card.  The card I got was Receptivity, Queen of Water.  It is about being feminine; receptive quality of water and emotions… “a time of unboundedness and gratitude for whatever life brings, without any expectations or demands…”  One more time, it is time for me to learn to let go, let go of my expectations, hopes and wishes, fears… Last night I remembered the summer before, how I was depressed and then looking back how I felt thankful for the way things turned out… I have to keep remembering instead of resisting what the moment brings… and whatever happens, not to feel shattered by it.  Very hard…  but one has to practice, practice, practice… practice compassion for oneself and others, practice understanding for oneself and others, practice love for oneself and others, practice being a human being…

Saturday, January 07, 2012

how long is now???

2012 has arrived… I was lucky to enter the new year with a loved one.   I noted some of the things I would wish for the new year…  We managed to keep up until the midnight but that was it, after few minutes I was happy to be sleeping, the chicken I am...

The last three weeks went by fast…  sometimes I felt fear because of uncertainty of the future, sometimes I just felt joy just because I was with the one.  I had yet another chance to visit the dark corners of my mind and also to see the feelings that are stored in my memory making entrance to the present with no real connection. 

It is interesting to experience all this which is quite impossible to do for me if I am not with other people, if I am my usual hermit.  I sometimes need a mirror and sometimes I need someone to shake me and say hey you are living some other story not this one, wake up, and sometimes I need them to push my buttons to see what I am hiding deep within…  but to do this, I think there is need for connection, patience and love…  I hope that we are all surrounded by our people to grow with.

The second day of this year, I heard the sad news of someone passing whom I have known of but have never really met.  My heart went for her.  I also realized I felt bad for not meeting her.  We had been in the same places maybe once or few times… I could have met her, but did not.  Still I felt for her, I wished for light and love and peace on her way and tried to think she is not really gone…  However, I was still shocked, I was still shaken and clueless in some sense… I also realized how unpredictable this life is, how uncertain everything is no matter how hard we might try to plan and make things certain… I guess I keep being reminded of all this periodically and then somehow I slip back to my other worrisome state…  have to keep remembering to live fully, to live up to who I am, not a mere shrunken imitation of self because there are no guarantees and life will not wait for me... 

I am now counting days!  I am super excited to be going back to the place where I feel the practice is the most intense and deep and inspiring and where I have my people who supports me, understands me but also forces me to look deep in, to know myself better, and to learn to be more open.  They are mirrors to myself, they are greater examples to the potential I have, they are sisters and brothers for life time…  I cannot wait to be there where my teacher will seem to not know me but will surprise me just when I am convinced that he has no clue about my practice or who I am, by telling me what I need to do or  what he knows I can do… 
Well now is time to be here, but how long is now until I get there? :) and perhaps most importantly how long is now for me to have the courage to be myself fully?   




the mirror for me at Topkapi palace