2012 has arrived… I was lucky to enter the new year with a loved one. I noted some of the things I would wish for the new year… We managed to keep up until the midnight but that was it, after few minutes I was happy to be sleeping, the chicken I am...
The last three weeks went by fast… sometimes I felt fear because of uncertainty of the future, sometimes I just felt joy just because I was with the one. I had yet another chance to visit the dark corners of my mind and also to see the feelings that are stored in my memory making entrance to the present with no real connection.
It is interesting to experience all this which is quite impossible to do for me if I am not with other people, if I am my usual hermit. I sometimes need a mirror and sometimes I need someone to shake me and say hey you are living some other story not this one, wake up, and sometimes I need them to push my buttons to see what I am hiding deep within… but to do this, I think there is need for connection, patience and love… I hope that we are all surrounded by our people to grow with.
The second day of this year, I heard the sad news of someone passing whom I have known of but have never really met. My heart went for her. I also realized I felt bad for not meeting her. We had been in the same places maybe once or few times… I could have met her, but did not. Still I felt for her, I wished for light and love and peace on her way and tried to think she is not really gone… However, I was still shocked, I was still shaken and clueless in some sense… I also realized how unpredictable this life is, how uncertain everything is no matter how hard we might try to plan and make things certain… I guess I keep being reminded of all this periodically and then somehow I slip back to my other worrisome state… have to keep remembering to live fully, to live up to who I am, not a mere shrunken imitation of self because there are no guarantees and life will not wait for me...
I am now counting days! I am super excited to be going back to the place where I feel the practice is the most intense and deep and inspiring and where I have my people who supports me, understands me but also forces me to look deep in, to know myself better, and to learn to be more open. They are mirrors to myself, they are greater examples to the potential I have, they are sisters and brothers for life time… I cannot wait to be there where my teacher will seem to not know me but will surprise me just when I am convinced that he has no clue about my practice or who I am, by telling me what I need to do or what he knows I can do…
Well now is time to be here, but how long is now until I get there? :) and perhaps most importantly how long is now for me to have the courage to be myself fully?
the mirror for me at Topkapi palace
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