Yesterday was a lousy day but then I got my visa which is a very good thing. Everything is in the perspective. I was stuck in my mind with something else… which paralyzed me half of the day and it tired me, drained me immensely. When I look at it from outside, I knew then and now that it was me who could not control my mind going all over the place and making me anxious… I could see it but I could not stop this from happening. I know now most of the reasons why I am this or that way, but still it happens… seeing is part of the transformation they say… I don’t know if I believe in that anymore…
Still this morning I felt very very much emotionally drained… very tired…. And I keep thinking all these people I know who are much cooler, much relaxed then I am… I envy them… and think maybe I belong alone...
Anyways, this morning dad called to let me know my mom’s brother passed away. He was sick in the hospital at the end of last year, in emergency care. He got better, went home. When I first visited him in the hospital, he was not conscious much and when I was by his bed side, hardly recognizing him, I could not help it, I fainted right in front him… I felt so embarrassed… The third time I was there, he was not in emergency care. He was sitting up and talking so much, talking about spices to flavor his food, about fancy pens to write with, to draw with… He loved to draw… when I was a kid he would draw a bear to the edge of the notebook and then he would trace the same lines at the back of the paper to draw an uncle… that was his joke because he had a fat belly like a bears and in Turkish bear is “Ayi” and unce is “Dayi” so very similar… now he is gone and I remember this story, his blue eyes and him in the hospital. I was suppose to call him this week to say hi… and I did postpone it thinking I will, there is time… but in reality there is no time sometimes… we postpone things thinking there is time, but maybe there is only now to do what we want to do… what we have in mind… to say someone you love them, to make the decisions you want to make, to realize your purpose in life… and I was thinking this morning during my practice… what is it we are here for? And yes sometimes I think I am one of those lame people whose yoga practice defines who they are… and I was thinking that no matter how much focus on the practice, the purpose of being here on this earth is not to be a great yoga instructors, to be little imitations of R. Freeman, M. Ezraty, Sharath R… being on this earth is about love, loving someone and giving them and receiving from them… loving your partner fully and opening your heart to them. Loving your friends and opening up to them, giving love and receiving love… being happy for another… There is lots of barriers we put in front of this… it is us, it is the things we bring from our past, and sometimes it is from our back ground, we have no clue what they are but they are there, from our ancestors… which might sound weird but they say yes we carry some of that energy as well… so as I am reading the books I have about meditation, I feel very much guilty, it seems like I have a pretty sticky ego… Now I came to the conclusion that I just need to do my meditation and stop reading the books… I do what I can do and maybe a little bit more, and see if I can first cultivate more love towards my being…
the song by Stone Roses "Made of Stone"
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