practice

Uhh I guess I can say I feel a bit lousy…  I was sad last night and I was sad this morning.  During practice, I stopped and sobbed… and of course during pincha… my official last pose.  I am getting it slowly slowly but it has been taking sometime since I am such a Vata, having difficulty of being balanced, steady, strong…   I usually need a break of five breaths after Tittibhasana, then it seems to be happening…  of course you never know from week to week…  anyways.   It was okey to stop and sob as well…  frustration with myself, with my emotions, and with my fears and anyways this is nadi shodhana I am practicing… and perhaps there is a bit of pincha in all this, or all this is in my pincha…  During Savasana I really wondered how I would go down and teach, I just wanted to go back to bed.  It sounded like it was rainy and windy outside as it was within myself…  But then, of course as soon as I began teaching, I forgot about myself.  This is I guess the greatest gift of teaching for me, I become no mind, present… 

Well, now I can again feel my confusion, sadness…  I wonder how conditioned I am, how it runs over me.  Is it from my childhood, or even from before, my past lives or my ancestors?  I donnu.  Does meditation help me to understand myself?  I try… I sit, I dance and sit, I shake and sit, and then I simply sit…  but it is a mess in this head. 

This morning I just drew an Osho Zen Tarot card.  The card I got was Receptivity, Queen of Water.  It is about being feminine; receptive quality of water and emotions… “a time of unboundedness and gratitude for whatever life brings, without any expectations or demands…”  One more time, it is time for me to learn to let go, let go of my expectations, hopes and wishes, fears… Last night I remembered the summer before, how I was depressed and then looking back how I felt thankful for the way things turned out… I have to keep remembering instead of resisting what the moment brings… and whatever happens, not to feel shattered by it.  Very hard…  but one has to practice, practice, practice… practice compassion for oneself and others, practice understanding for oneself and others, practice love for oneself and others, practice being a human being…