Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Goa as it is and some more

It has been more than two weeks since I arrived to Goa. It is again not the same... I am happy to be here in Goa, happy to be with my teachers and my friends... The new shala is much better than last year in my opinion, one room, bigger and more walls to practice on. My practice has been a bit back wards in some ways since in Boulder we were not doing our usual practice and also Marci is much more precise with somethings then Richard was. For instance, downdog with bend elbows, elbows looking to the back of the room... so surya namaskars were killers the first couple of weeks... I guess little by little the strength is coming back, although monday morning Marci put a block in between my elbows during drop backs because she thinks that my arms not strong enough to stay square... sometimes it feels like it is never good enough... well with a block between the elbows I can go down only so far and then I feel like I will drop on my head. It feels like circus... can you go down with a jug on your forehead? Well enough of complaining. Since Tuesday I am beginning at 5 AM, first shift... It is good to finish earlier and sometimes it is a bit intense to be waking up so early :P

I also went to Cuckoo on Monday and also today, the Taiwanese doctor here. I have met him in Istanbul many years ago, he is a good one. I went for my knee. He said that I am confusing, that it is not the knee but my hormones. Holding too many emotions there, he said and the energy line goes through the inside of the leg and so also where I have the knee pain. They did cupping, acupuncture and then I am given a tea for cleansing, then some pills, they are lotus something, and then calcium. Also no sugar! Fruit is okey for God's sake, also good quality honey but I am not keen on honey anyways... Unfortunately no more of those Goan sweets I like which are made with jaggery and coconuts, one is pinnag, the other is dodol...

What else... there are some more happenings and also very nice people this time. Getting together for food and drinks...

Friday, November 27, 2009

How can I forget to mention suite 50?

Well I forgot to mention suite 50, or cadaver lab. which we went for the anatomy part of the intensive... That was a whole another experience with many levels in itself. First and most it showed me what this body is, what this body becomes... It was not so easy for me, especially the first time but I stayed both times. Besides the obvious teaching of what this body becomes, it was also very educational in terms of anatomy. Of course when you see the real deal, it sticks to your mind much better! and how amazingly we are layered inside, so meticulously.. layers of meat, bones, skin, fat, tissue, the internals... they were all out there on the table. A practice in itself...

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Reflections before leaving Boulder...

The whole month passed so quickly... I was scared the first morning when I was walking down to Yoga Workshop... I did not know what to expect, I was intimidated... But as it was intense (well it was an intensive...), it brought more ease within me. Both Richard and Mary were wonderful... Mary motherede us all, she was so patient with us and she was so giving and also a very good teacher! Richard's intelligence, knowledge, passion for investigation but also compassion for all of us have been so inspiring. In normal terms, I would be intimidated in the presence of such a person like Richard but I was not because Richard was also so humorous, and he was also so easy about the whole, "this is nothing, all is nothing, thank you for nothing..." and his understanding about not knowing and his constant encouragement to be intelligent, to investigate and his sarcasm... We, the students, were all 100% attention, trying to absorb as much as we can. I, personally got a lot from this experience in all levels... Asana practice gave a whole new perspective to my own practice, to the approach to the form and also to teaching... The philosophy talks were eye opener, and now I am more encouraged than ever to be curious, to learn more about the whole philosophy behind yoga practice and also Vedanta and Buddhist traditions. For this reason, I am travelling with all my books to India to re-read what we have already read and read what I could not read from the homework and listen to Richard's talks (thanks to Sasha who recorded all of them!)... Then, of course the meditations... It was a good beginning for me towards what I have been contemplating about for a year. I have been wanting to do a Vipassana for a year, I have been doing Osho meditatiopns which are all wonderful as well, but I have been wanting to sit for a period of time, and watch all that is in my head... Therefore, the meditation sessions we had at Shambala center, Jules, who shared his experience, knowledge and insight to meditation, have been all an encouragement, and also indicated me that my desire was in place... Well, also something which is important for me came out from those times we sat on our cushions. I have been in doubt about having my Osho sanyas name "Maya" for a year... After the last time I was in Pune, the time I did the 3 month long work as meditation program, I was not so eager to be associated with the Osho community... I have nothing against Osho, I love him, he speaks to my heart... but my life style, my interest in yoga, my discomfort with men's approach to women in the community and the stereotype sanyas image have been indicating me that I need to shed some stuff. Soo the clarity came during the weekend meditation retreat... I realized I do not need to change my name to show my dedication to meditation, I just need to sit and watch. Changing one's name can be a powerful experience, a new beginning, and at the time when I changed my name it was an important period in my life also; however, now I see that who is sitting in that cushion is not someone else, it is me... and it is all empty, whatever name you give it to, it does not matter... Ahu, Maya, Ganesh, Beautiful flower, etc... it is all nothing and everything... and I do not need to change names to get closer to what I am seeking, what am yearning for, I just have to investigate, be intelligent, not go into lethargy but be passionate, be excited and look deeply into whatever I want to know... so to simplify things I decided to go back to my name Ahu... This was such a big relief for me... and it is such a small detail also :)
Now I am at the airport... My journey is long, very long. In an half hour, I will be flying to Chicago, then to London, from London to Mumbai and then to Goa! The housing situation in Goa went awry due to double booking they have done at the place I booked. So, after a wee,k I have no place, but hopefully I will figure out once I get there. WEll, time to wrap up for me... gotta fly!!!

Monday, November 16, 2009

Short one

I have not been very chatty lately primarily because of the training. It is full on. Last week was intense, and we were all tired by Friday. Tuesday we went to cadaver lab for anatomy class. That was intense for me; on the other hand, seeing all the muscles, bones etc. in real is very effective to learn. Readings have been many and I am behind a little. This weekend, both days, we were meditating at Shambla center from 9:30 AM till 5:30 PM. This was intense on my knees, especially on the left. Then it snowed again, but I have a feeling that it will not stay long. Tomorrow is a new week! Lets see what it has to offer...

Sunday, November 08, 2009

It has been more than two weeks since I have been in Boulder. Even though it is a university town and every coffee shop has wireless internet connection, there is no internet cafes. So, my first week, I used Naropa university library computers once thanks to Shane. He gave me a grand tout of the university and also sorted me with the bus system... Then, a week later before the course began, lovely Bethan arrived, she is also staying in the same house with me so I had the opportunity to read my emails from her computer. And now, I got a mini... well... I thought about it and thought it would be too much to buy a mini computer but then Bethan was smart enough to suggest that I can sell it before I leave India to someone who would like to be connected while traveling, or sell it at home... So, I got this mini HP today... It is really light and it does all I need...
Of course the real news is not me owning another electronics device.... It is the training.... So far cannot be any better... Richard is a river of knowledge, he is amazing me everyday more and more with his knowledge and his attitude, his personality and his humor.... Also, Mary is wonderful, really soft, caring but also really but really grounded, strong personality (she makes me wish that when I reach her age I can also reach her state of being... if this sounds strange it is because I donnu how to quiet say this I guess)

The training is asana practice which goes slowly through primary series, meditation, chanting in sanskrit, philosophy, and sometimes more asana to talk over adjustments and anatomy... learning correct adjustments, what not to touch, pull, push in someones body. I have to say some differences from previous teachings I had, so I am glad to learn more corrects ways of adjusting... The chanting part makes me feel like I am in Mysore. Richard's sanskrit is really good, and also his chanting is really good... ohh then the philosophy talks are just making me wonder how all this knowledge accumulated in one person, and is there any possibility I can reach that level in this life time? I feel like not really possible for me, but that is not the point really anyways, we are who we are... Then the meditation part. We meditate everyday after asana practice, and the time of meditation is getting longer slowly and then Wednesdays are hour and a half meditation at the Shambala center, which is a Tibetan Buddhist Center. We had our first session at the center this Wednesday and Jillian who is a Tibetan translator for the Lamas visiting the States and who also practices at the Yoga Workshop introduced us to the method of the meditation they practice.

I am thinking more and more that I need to spend more time in Boulder. I am thinking maybe rolfing... and that would be a great way of learning much much more about anatomy... and also studying Sanskrit somewhere. I think I come back here next spring, and maybe for a year... I see... everything will shape in its own time and way. It is hard to tell what will come up in the next months and I have to learn to pace myself instead of getting too excited and anxious.

Today is Sunday. BEthean and I walked in the morning to the shala for Richard's foundation and form class but he was not teaching it, De was subbing for him and I have already done it with her, so we came back home. I really want to do this class with him, I hope he teaches it next Sunday. But this afternoon is Mysore with him! And tomorrow, we go on full schedule again. Tuesday is our first cadaver lab visit, kind of nervous about it.

Friday, October 16, 2009

A Week

So, I practice with Peter and his group of students for a week. Nice group of people, very peaceful energy, and Peter’s presence as a teacher is also very good. It was good for me to begin practicing with others again. I see that I get nervous practicing with others after such long time of alone practice; I realize this mostly during standing postures, it takes me much longer to get grounded… specially utthita hasta padangusthasana becomes difficult.. The mind, wandering mind gets you out of balance ☺ Over all, it was very motivating as usual to practice with other students. Being in my friend’s class was very nice as well. I also feel good if any of my students decides to continue Mysore classes with Peter because I know that he will be a good teacher to them. I actually feel lucky for his presence, dedicated students will find their way to him and he is a good friend, what more I can ask for? Maybe this is not very sound in business perspective but I guess I will never make sense in business terms in yoga... what to do...

What else…. Himmm a week is left for me to take off to Boulder. But more than excitement, I have a bit of anxiety…. a bit of resentment… which I do not want to carry around. I will see what I do… I met with my beloved body this noon, it was really good to be with her, talk to her…

Monday, October 12, 2009

nice surprises...

So, the last class was very nice. There were people who were not showing up for a while also. At the end of the class, some of my students gave me gifts! A group of them made a very cute Ashtangi genie post card and attached a nice silver needle on it; another one gave me silver earrings; and another brought me a book by Walt Whitman, “Laws of Creations”. I was not expecting this much… Actually I was not even expecting more then few people showing up for the class, so this was a nice surprise. Afterwards, I had coffee with few of them and chatted for a while. That was also lovely.

The rest of Sunday was pretty much about organizing stuff in my apartment: Storing the clothes I will be leaving and at the same time, already trying to figure out what to bring with me to such journey. All the places I am going requires different type of clothing; Colorado will be cold, next is Goa which is not real India, mostly beach clothing, then Mysore, it is hot but a real Indian city, therefore requires more conservative clothing, then who knows what is next ☺. So, I was going round and round in my apartment…

Then, in the evening, when I was checking my emails I saw that I got another nice surprise. P. emailed to congratulate for earning a vacation/travel time and to invite me to practice in his Mysore class this week. This is such a nice, thoughtful gift. I was so happy, so of course, this morning I already showed up! And it was great! I had a good, warm practice, sweated much more than I usually do alone. P.’s presence was very nice as a teacher and all the students were focused on their practice. Very nice group. I enjoyed practicing with them very much. Practicing with other people is always much better for me. Also, I realized that I was in the same room where I began yoga and then Ashtanga yoga after a long while….

Today I also had to go to my dentist. What happened in Mysore last year happened again but luckily, this time it happened not right after I left but right before I left. The crown of one of my root canals broke. My dentist made the diagnosis that I should be squeezing my chaw for this to be happening all the time. Therefore, he is also making me a thing to wear at nights on my teeth to prevent me squeezing the chaw : S

Saturday, October 10, 2009

Last class of the year...

Last night two of my high school friends came for dinner. It was really nice to have the girls. I don’t why I don’t get together with them more often, it really felt home. Of course we know each other from very young and we were boarding students together, so we have this bond which is very deep. We had nice chat, some food I have prepared and two of us had a bottle of white. As most of the time, while drinking, it is good, tasty etc. but the next morning, I feel so dehydrated and bloated and hungry every half hour (!?) Thank God I don’t drink as I used to anymore! Now, it is only maybe a glass every other week and more than one glass like last night is pretty rare…

Of course, I woke up at 6AM this morning, even though I was in bed after 12AM. The alcohol does not let me sleep much… so what I did at 6AM on this Saturday morning was reading children’s version of Ramayana ☺. I just finished reading Ka finally. It was a very good book but not an easy read… so it took me a while. There are so many books to read… now I am reading one of the versions of the Bhagavad Gita Richard listed in the reading list. They will be giving us another version during the training…

What else… ? Tomorrow is my last class of the year. I hope it will be a nice one like one of those Sundays where the energy in the room is really harmonies and fluid. I hope I was some help to the students who came to the classes. I tried to share whatever I know… I am aware that I am at the very beginning of all… I tired to be open and giving and also I tried to learn from them as much as they were learning from me… I am not sure what will happen when I come back. I have a feeling things will go differently… where to teach and all… Here is not much space/acceptance for Ashtanga. Things are becoming more and more concentrated in Anusara at the studio. So be it; I have no problem with this, I just don’t have any training or interest in that style. I just might need to find a place for myself to teach and that might be the best thing that ever happened! Well, there is so much till then, so much will happen within me and out there, I will change with all the things ahead me and who knows where I will end up, how I will end up... no need to spend much energy on all this. I just want to get things done that I need to get done before I leave...

I also met with K. the Rolfer in the afternoon. We went on talking about alllllll sorts of things since I had much to tell and he always has much to say… It was nice, and hopefully I will see him before I leave or I will see him in Goa.

Thursday, October 08, 2009

moment

Last night I woke up just before 12AM with the feeling of as if I have slept the whole night… it was not convenient… I tried to go back to sleep but it took a while and of course, in the morning, it took me a while to get up. I passed out for extra half an hour before I realized this and had an “OMG I should get up and practice” moment… One thing that kept me up and kept me dwelling on was this experience I had yesterday during meditating. In the middle of my meditation (I guess) I got to the point where I was just in the moment, feeling very neutral and total, just really being in the moment, witnessing… I have experienced this before in previous times, but I tend to crowd it with thoughts rapidly. This time, I let the thoughts pass by from over my head, not letting them touch… and then I realized the fear. It was such a moment that there was no time, just the moment and I could stay there forever and not knowing how long I was there, eternity... and then of course, I would disappear ( I guess?)… Consequently, there was the fear of disappearing because of course I wanted to go to Boulder for the TT and then to India and on and on; I did not want to vanish. I don’t know if I make any sense… but next time, if I can get to this state again, I hope to relax in it even more… maybe this experience I had was the reason why I was up so early feeling like if I have slept the whole night, maybe it provided me a good rest…

About the practice? After Richard, the practice feels different, more fluid and also strong… Even 2 days with him made a difference in my practice and teaching, I cannot imagine what will happen in four weeks with him!!! Tomorrow and Sunday are my last classes to teach for this year… Then I will be getting ready; I will be getting my house together for the person who is renting it, I will be applying for Indian Visa, which I need before I go to the States… and I will be spending time with some friends and my family… I had breakfast with my POL body this morning, we are so similar no wonder we were bodies! I love her!

Saturday, October 03, 2009

R. Freeman!

At the end, I decided to attend Richard Freeman’s workshop which is happening since this Friday evening. I am very happy that I have this opportunity of meeting him and studying him before I arrive to Boulder. And what was I thinking when I said I will not go to this workshop? I am so weird sometimes… I am in despair here about not having a teacher and then the teacher whose TT I will do in a month comes here and I hesitate about going to the workshop? It just does not make sense! Last night, after the first session I was so high with excitement, with inspiration… Richard is great; he is so humorous and full of information. I was expecting him to be teaching Ashtanga with an Iyengar approach but this is not the case… He is very different… yes, there is alignment of course but the emphasizes on the internals of the practice, drishti, bandhas, ujjai breath, as the key… the central axis, the nectar, and releasing the palate with an ‘Aaaa”… ohh I am so excited… there is so much to learn from him! This workshop has been great for me for getting familiar with his teaching and also as I have told a friend, I realize that every opportunity of studying with him is a blessing!

Saturday, September 26, 2009

At last...

Ohh yeah I did it at last, went through a Chriz Chavez treatment this morning. The funny thing is that I didn’t have to think much. By this I mean the following: I was out last night until after 1AM (with my POL friends )which is something I rarely do and then I woke up at 10 past 10 AM which is something I rarely do and then I just threw myself out of the bed and out of the door to go to Chris Chavez’s Anusara Yoga class which is something I never do…! Well, I just had to experience this to get rid of the curiosity of C.C. about whom so many people has been talking about… Yeah, from the beginning till the end of the class what I feared happened, there was here and there “Maya this Maya that, Maya do this Maya do that" kept coming out of him. First, it was “ Maya, see that tattoo on your left shoulder how bright it is? I want your lips to be as bright as your tattoo, smile!!!!” then again, smile!… then spread the feet hip distance in uttanasana, tadasana (well I got that after two times). Then the first demonstration and who he picks is “MAYA! Come to down dog and throw your hips like a ball over your shoulders”!!! yeah exactly what I have been struggling over for year and a half! How does he picks on that is something to appreciate! And he made me do that for 5-6-7 times as Marci was doing during my last month in Goa. And then coming to hand stand… it was fine and then we worked with partners. Before the class began, I placed myself in a safe spot, next to Yigit who is one of the new graduates of the teacher training; I know him and like him, so it was good to be partners with him. As I practiced with Y jumping up with two legs, I realized that I am going forward enough to coming to handstands, whereas I always thought that I was way far away… At one point, Chris made us also do opening the legs and rotating them around and then lifting left hand first and then the right hand. Then, we went on with other stuff until coming to back bends…! With back bends a different approach with arms, he wants students to open the hands almost as wide as the mat. I go for hands as wide as my shoulders which is the way Marci teaches us. Then again he made me come up and then wanted me to drop back with open arms which I did… he thinks this way is more opening the heart but I do with arms up then reaching up and backwards and I think with arms floating on the sides would be a bit too much for a beginner and they can lend on top of their heads instead of their hands… then he again made me come up with floating arms on the side... that was alright for me. But he was not satisfied he said “she is already too open it was not as dramatic so I will show on someone else...” Therefore, with two other people he demonstrated, and one was this big basketball player and that did not look so great to me, he wants people to come to the toes, lifting the heels to come up which is exact opposite of what Marci wants you to do. She gets so mad when you lift the heels; as a result, I had to learn not throwing myself up and lifting the heels for which now I am grateful to Marci because much more stable way of coming up and stronger legs…

I can say he really makes people high, he knows good anatomy, he knows what he teaches very well, he is a good person… On the other hand, for me, his class was too much exposure and I am just out of ‘Path of Love’ for God’s sake… and then too much talking, pointing people out, too much yeah you can do it… and with the smiling thing… sorry but a bit giirrrr…. He went on most of the time with stuff like Maya is this and that, and I have been feeling just the opposite actually, very weak for the last week and he sees through this and so, he points out what you are struggling with right away but in an opposite light… However, I was uncomfortable with all the cheering because I know my ego would love, would totally love it but what I long for is not satisfying my ego but being me, just pure me with no illusions around it (ha! Wow! My sannyas name had to mean something; for the first time , now I see that this is perhaps why I became to be renamed as Maya...! I guess I should be thankful to Chris for showing me this)

Yet, I am happy that I went to his class, so now I know what it is like. And once in every six months or even once a year of Chriz Chaves seems enough for me ☺. I really love silent practice and this is not because I am super serious but because I need to internalize to get grounded. The main reason I practice is to be grounded to this world. And the most important point for me is being able to do something not when Chris is cheering and helping me but when I am alone, by myself, with my self-knowledge knowing that I can do it or discovering that I can do it and doing it. OF course I am not undermining his help, he shows people that their capacity is beyond what they believe it to be and that is really helpful… but for me, the bottom line is I gotta do it myself. And perhaps that is my weakest and strongest side; don’t like to ask for help, can’t ask for help and also trying to learn standing firm on my own feet…

P.S. I watched an interview with B.K.S Iyengar on Youtube yesterday. At the end, the interviewer asked if his ego was being pumped by being Mr. Iyengar, the person who had the biggest role in having yoga spread to the West, receiving so much recognition, respect, love... His answer was “I am grateful to God in Yoga, that they are punishing me, this way I am happy to get some injuries now and then so I become quiet. I am happy that something comes to me so I can devote my time more and more to my practice and be free from this egoistic cult” . His answer is a great teaching. I understand more and more… (I cannot post the interview here since I can get to youtube from sideways due to it is being banned by Turkish Government… )

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Dilemma or not

I have a dilemma…. Okey before my dilemma I have other things to write about…. Right after I came back from Path of Love. it was a religious holiday here so not many people at all. Sunday the usual suspects came to the practice but then Monday and Tuesday they all slacked… A was still here when I came back. Monday he was the only person who came to class and we kept talking for a long time and at the end, he decided not to practice… then he left the next day for India! Very exciting.

I cannot wait to be in India either. My next journey is getting closer, only one month left for me to leave! Ohh my God! Exactly one month later I will be taking off for another one. I am trying to have no expectations… really, trying to have it blank, so I am not disappointed with myself or others or with stuff…. But of course it is not easy… well I am still excited but trying to keep it at that. Well there are things to do before I leave so I will begin focusing on them systematically.

What else…. My practice is okey… a bit less power but then handstand practices feel good… I am not sure what to thing about my practice anymore… and then the dilemma: should I try out this Anusara teacher’s class? I am so not wanting… and so, it will be forcing myself to do something I do not want to do but then a. I am curious b. I am scared, but why? What am I avoiding? Maybe nothing maybe I am just dreading to be forced to do stuff I feel like I cannot do. Then I already have my practice which I am happy with and I am not so interested in trying out everything out there. Does this make me narrow minded or someone who likes to focus? ohh I will see how I feel on the weekend. If I have an intention I will go… if not, it will be just fine because it will be my choice.

Okay… how am I feeling after Path of Love? I am feeling good. Better sleep. Meditation everyday, which I enjoy, and have the urge everyday… Reading KA which is not an easy book to read… also reading some poetry and sometimes writing too… a bit unsocial with other people, who has not done the process. that

Friday, September 18, 2009

Back from Path of Love

Yes! Back from Path of Love and I am amazed! It was a wonderful journey! I am so glad I have done it. This will be a blessing for me in my present and future… I feel funny about all the frustration and excuses I had before doing it, because it was worth everything I have given to it! I feel like words cannot describe… but what I can say is that it is an honest work on yourself! If you truly dare to open your heart, just go for it! It was not easy at all but somehow you commit and go through it and the outcome is you will see…

Well, this morning was my first practice in a week but since I was physically active all week long, it was okay. I was in a nice steady pace. It felt good to be on my mat. I did only primary and it is Friday anyways but uuppps today is a moonday! Well it is new moon and I took it slowly…

This morning I had coffee for the firs time in 3 weeks and I am so shaky now. I am literally shaking, my mind is too overwhelmed. I guess I should have begun with decaf. Uhhh, well tomorrow will be decaf because I still love the taste.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Almost POL

Tomorrow afternoon POL begins… I mean Path of Love. I donnu what to expect anymore. I have been frustrated with myself about getting myself into this… I have been thinking “ohh what are they gonna make us do? I don’t believe in this, how can things change in 6 days???… blablabla… Ohh well, I did sign up for it tough, so I better go with it. Dad used to say that one should finish what they begin, not to leave things half way through… Maybe signing up was not really half way through but it was a beginning and I guess it is better to be done with it. Then I will not keep hearing about it and wonder whether I should do it or not…

Well, about this week, about the practice… It was an okay week… the practice was mostly good except on Wednesday morning. Wednesday I was tired, heavy, all the usual excuses for not having a good practice. But I have been good and never skipped practicing handstands… Yes, I need to do them everyday even if it is only once.

The weather has been rainy all week long. It became cooler but the practice got sweater(?) the humidity I believe. With the classes… there is one guy who has been coming since Sunday morning… he has a wonderful practice, great energy… enjoyed his presence and I assume other students also. Then, there is a newbie who showed up on Tuesday, and he is doing great!

Yesterday was big rain all night long, which means as I was practicing ☺ … There is suppose to be a big rain tomorrow as well. I hope that won’t create problem for us to arrive to the venue where the POL will take place. I have to admit that one nice thing about this POl is silence for a week! I think that is what I love the most.

Well one last thing is the new movie by Tarontino, Inglourious Basterds. I went to see it with mom yesterday and it was really good. I recommend it.

Saturday, September 05, 2009

Coffee Break

I am a bit low in moods. Perhaps it is part of the quitting coffee process. Yes, I am quitting coffee for Path of Love because during the process, we will not be allowed to drink coffee ☹ and I do not want to have the withdrawal when I am in the process! I am a bit rebellious about this because they let smokers have few cigarettes a day but not a cup of coffee to coffee drinkers in the morning!!!! Well, to tell the truth, I am fine with not having coffee for a while. It is perhaps good to detox from caffeine, it is just difficult with my early rising schedule. I stopped last Sunday, so I can have couple of weeks to get back to normal… but I have been drinking a cup of black tea in the mornings; however, this coming week, I will not even have that... Maybe green tea for the first couple of days…

Practice has been okay, maybe a bit heaviness… would that be due to no coffee I wonder? But also a bit weak maybe… I have been lazy with practicing hand stands and then on Wednesday, when I tried to press against the wall I could not do, which was something I had discovered that I could do after my castor oil bath a month ago… well, I got a bit obsessed, so I tried many times and at the end I managed to squeeze out one… but I wonder what was the reason that I could not do it all of a suddenly… not good bandhas that morning maybe… or not doing any handstands while on vacation… and then being lazy about them here…

Thursday afternoon I went to the island to see my parents who got back from their vacation on Lesvos Island! Since it was a moon day on Friday, I stayed over night. This time, I was really good to be in the island, very peaceful, quiet, and it was nice to see my parents after a long time. I also realize swimming is really good for my knee. The doctor also mentioned that when I saw him a month ago; he said that swimming increases the blood circulation, which is quite low over the bone area, and so it helps with the healing.

Well, one good news is I found housing in Boulder! That is very relieving. I was beginning to get nervous because I will be in isolation for a week during POL and what if something come up from the studio regarding housing, I would miss it again as it happened while I was on vacation and did not have internet access…. So that is sorted out and I also have a friend to rent my apartment for at least the last 3 months of my away time…

Now I am thinking of going to Yin Yoga…

Monday, August 31, 2009

Post weekend

I am very moody today, I guess it is the Path of Love nervousness or something… I am thinking now that 6 day process cannot do much… maybe will do a slight thing… maybe I will explode during POL, ha and they will all run out. But now I just want to be by myself.

Anyways… Yesterday, I was actually full power surprisingly after all the food I had during birthday. Birthday was okey… but I decided not to do such a party again here, I felt like a little kid. Maybe if I am away somewhere in India, I can be with friends, have a nice lunch… that would be lovely… sigh… I miss India so much. Actually I had enough of being here now, and now I think I don’t even want to come back… Ohh, I am so negative today and it is just the beginning of the week. Well, this morning I was very sleepy when I woke up and during the whole practice I was low energy as oppose to yesterday. The point is everything changes as I see in my practice from one morning to the other... so my thoughts will also change about being here and there, etc....

Then, I am getting all excited as I read Susananda’s blog about Sharath’s workshop in London, but there is still time for me to be in Mysore and who knows if Sharath will be there teaching… nobody.

Okey maybe I should not blog when I feel like this. I should sit back and read something and get my mind off the negativity… or sit with it and see which is more real as Suzuki asks, my problem or myself who is sitting? And what is my problem by the way? Well, complicated but: being here, not being strong with certain individuals, and being apologetic for being myself… uhhh

Saturday, August 29, 2009

Today is the birthday day... 32!

Today is the birthday day… Yes already 32 and feeling as young as ever. This year I guess it will be different. Last year, I entered my new age only with my sister, a bit depressed and feeling lonely. This year, we are having small garden party in my sister’s beautiful garden. And I see how we contribute in creating our own happiness and unhappiness. Last year, I was stubborn to organize anything because I thought there was no point. Yes, I was in a negative mood, negative about myself, about being in this city, etc… This year, actually my friend suggested that we do this garden party and so I invited few friends… and we will see how it goes. I have a feeling it will go fine…
I am trying to bake my own birthday cake as usual. Actually, I already baked the cake (chocolate beer cake from Delia Smith) but it does not seem to be the way it should and I know why because I used whole wheat flour ☺ and the chocolate sauce is not done yet, it is too bitter, have to adjust it… kind of a mess but I am sure people will be fine no matter how it turns out.

This week was fine. I was a bit sleepy in the mornings… I think it is normal since I was waking up at 6AM while on holiday and then going back to 4AM was a bit tough. Then I had to show something to a student because I could not describe it with words but then that brought up the pain on the side of the knee which was actually getting better and better… I was a bit frustrated but then as the week went along, I began to have more and more soft attitude towards myself, my knee, my pain, my injury… I just realized my practice is not about what I can do and not do… and I have faith that I will heal, I just have to believe. And I guess acupuncture would help tones but have to wait for that since I do not know any good place here in Istanbul. I am also doing hip openers every day to reduce any stress that can go to my knee…

Also Path of Love… The process begins on 11th of September but actually it already began! They send you questionnaires and those really begin the process. After filling the second one, that same night, I began having nightmares about people from my past… people I should have let go long time ago but obviously they are still under the carpet. I hope the process will do the cleaning needed!

Okey, going back to birthday mood! Happy 32 to me! I feel very blessed for having Yoga in my life, having my teachers and my friends in my life, having the opportunity travel, and live in India every year! And yes blessed to have such a great family.

Saturday, August 22, 2009

Back from Lesvos

I am back from my vacation! It was very nice. Lesvos is a beautiful island and I felt very lucky to be there from the first day. And yes, I was very lucky because the first moment we stepped into the commune (Afroz) we met my sister’s friend and his girlfriend who is also an Ashtangi! It was such a good luck as you can imagine because I had a practice friend while I was there! She has been an ashtanga practioner much longer than me and therefore, she is more advanced; but she is, as most long practiconers, very humble. She usually practiced the same sequence with me and she also gave me very nice adjustments! I could not have been more fortunate! We usually met between 6 and 6:30 AM at the Buddha Grove for practice. And there was a guy, who became a friend later on, who sleeps on Buddha Grove (he likes to be under stars while sleeping), so he would wake up to us practicing and then he would begin his own Thai Chi practice… and then some more people would arrive to do their own stretches and yoga practice…

The 3-day group with P & S was nice. It was called Love, Devotion and Surrender. Personally, I did not like the first day so much, but I enjoyed the second day of Devotion. We did Sufi zickers and Chanted Hindu mantras to live music during the second day… and the second half of third day was also great, we did Stop dance to live music and the musicians went wild with the music coming to some divine peak and so we did with the dancing…

Then the rest of the time, I took it easy… Swimming in the ice cold waters of Lesvos, which was very good for my knee. Then, eating good food, deserts, and all the fresh figs you can imagine ☺. Going to White Robe every night, which is much more relaxed than it is in Pune… We hung out with my new ashtangi friend and his boyfriend a lot. His boyfriend was teaching Cherokee dance, so I joined them every morning after breakfast to do the dance. Then I also met some people I have known from Pune… it was great! People from all over the world getting together. Since Afroz is not so big, the vibe was very much family like, warm…

Being back of course is always a challenge but I feel okay today. Istanbul is not super hot at least and I have somethings to look forward to. First of all, I missed my students, and I am recharged so I feel good to be back to teaching. Then, I decided to join Path of Love which will happen in mid September. Since I have dedicated 10 weeks to love and this group has been popping up on my face with better payment plans etc… so I decided to do it. And then of course Boulder where I will be stuck forever… well this is my feeling but then I am so devoted to Rolf… which will pull me to the east again.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Vacation Almost!

I am on the verge of a vacation!!! Yes, my sister and I will go to Lesvos island tomorrow. My sister says it has the most beautiful sea… and of course, we will have lots of fun staying at Afroz, the Osho center in the island. The first three days will be a chanting and mediation group with Premartha, Svarup and Milerepa. Then we will do our own thing; participate in daily meditations, lay at the beach, swim, eat, drink, be merry.

I am also hoping to get a nice rest. Not to wake up so early… and take it easy with practice a bit so the inflammation on my femur can recover fully. It has been doing fine but now the doctor told me to stop using the medicine and see how it goes without it, and he told me to take it easy until it heals to do point that I can do everything without pain… Without the medicine, I feel it more. Therefore, need for more attentiveness still, not to push it at all… and it should be okay, I have to have faith that it will heal… it gets difficult sometimes… my usual all or nothing side starts yapping that I will be stuck with this situation… ohh the mind… but then I say nothing is permanent, all is changing constantly, so have faith and do what you must do! I do what I must do: I take care and practice with care and not loose hope.

Now I need to pack, and pack lightly, which is always a challenge!

Saturday, August 08, 2009

Night life in August or ever?

Yesterday I cooked Indian dinner for couple of my friends. I cooked the dishes I have learned at Tina’s cooking class during my first time in Mysore: palak paneer and vegetable kurma and. Moreover, I cooked dal from Sivananda cook book and samosas and plain rice. It was too much food but they are not vegetarian so I was a bit concerned about feeding them… Consequently I ended up with lots of leftovers; so much that I can have another dinner party tonight… well I put some of it in the freezer.

Of course there was lots of drinking on their and on my sister’s part. I barely had a couple of glasses of wine and that was already much… well I used to drink lots also and stay up and party… but now, all that is not so interesting. Not to misunderstand… I enjoy my friends but when I am sober and when it is not after mid night and not in a bar where people are bumping on you constantly. Yeah, later on, we went out to the neighbor hood bar but it was boring: too crowded and not much people we know. So, after a while, we all split. Well, I went out the other week also and it was the same… I love dancing, I enjoy good music but the bar scene, especially during summer time in Istanbul is not my thing… And I cannot do the schmooze thing anymore at least in a crowded loud bar/night club. Am I getting older than I am actually?

Friday, July 31, 2009

Vacation month for Istanbul begins

I have been not writing… because I was busy and lazy and a bit down and then up…
After the food poisoning, as I mentioned Jen was here last week … it was very nice to have her. She was an easy going and fun guest to have. We cooked together, so I was fed better last week ☺. Then I took her to do the island to visit my parents; that went really well also. It was very good for my parents to meet another ashtangi; therefore, they see that there are other people like me and they are normal, nice people. After the island trip, we went to Grand Bazaar and the Spice Bazaar. Boy, that day was really hot! It was the peak heat of July! But we managed. Jen and I are very similar when it comes to shopping, we do not like to wander around many hours, going into every store; we both like to go to one or two stores, get what we like and be done with shopping. Otherwise it is too overwhelming… I think she enjoyed Istanbul and I hope she will visit sometime in the future again. Now she is in Barcelona, improving her Spanish…

With me… This week, I was really full power. I don’t know where it all came from, especially after a sickly week. Last week, when I practiced for the first time on Thursday after recovering, I was feeling so weak. I did the half primary on Thursday and Friday; my legs were all shaky during standing postures… how one can loose so much strength in few days! I guess with not proper nutrition, all the sickness and no practice, it is like this. However, after couple of days, the energy picked up incredibly. I was surprised myself. I guess this showed me few things: 1) being healthy makes a big difference in our lives. 2) When one is weak, the practice is hard. 3) Not be afraid of loosing… The second one was good to realize how beginners feel because until now I honestly forgotten how standing postures can be so tough! The third one was good to realize that we can get sick or not able to practice due to circumstances but it is all okay, it all comes back when we are able to get back to our mat again. Learning…

What else? Well, this week was considerably quite, not many students. Yes, that month of the year is already here: the vacation month! I thing I will not be here next year at this time. I should try to move my traveling to do the summer time! Now, I am just trying to stay present and not to get discouraged. It is tough these days for me; maybe the planets are making though alignments or something, or it is just I having hard time just being, stop criticizing myself. Much to let go… THe good news is that I will go to Lesvos island for a week in August with my sister... that will be a good vacation for me!

Now the plan is castor oil bath tomorrow! I got the oil last weekend from the Spice Bazaar. I read the Kimberly Williams article about the bath… I have no soap nut powder nor green powder, so I hope I will be able to was it off with regular shampoo and soap…

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Food Poisoning 2...

I got food poisoning on Sunday, which got me off from my mat and teaching and writing my blog. This is how it happened: I woke up in the middle of the night, feeling nauseas and went “o ohh, is it happening again?” But then weird enough, when I woke up at 5 in the morning, I was feeling well and I did my whole practice with no problem… Then taught my led class all full power; however, during breakfast, I realized I was having difficulty drinking my coffee which I enjoy so much everyday… And after a while, I realized the coffee was sitting up in my stomach with all other stuff and I drank some water but still they were sitting up and then I ended up throwing all up… and began feeling weak, so I carried myself to my bed… After a while, I thought I would get some yogurt and boil some rice and have a simple meal with these. I got the yogurt, boiled the rice, had a bit of that… Yet, they did not stay in the stomach either and at the end, each time I got up from my bed, I was throwing up and I realized that I was having a slight fever… I texted one of my students, who have the key to the shala, that I would not be able to teach in the morning and if she could please open the door for regular students to come and practice and put a note on the door that I am sick… My sleep was very unsettled… I woke up with nausea and headache, and actually could not lift my head from the pillow and then my mom came around noon, she brought some bread and honey so I had simple toasted bread with some honey and tea… but that was also hard to settle in the stomach, I was feeling like something was being squeezed inside all the time… I threw up again and then diarrhea… great combo! Then my mom decided that we should go to the hospital, which is luckily so close by. The doctor at the hospital examined me and made the diagnosis that I had food poisoning. They gave me serum and while that was going in, they ran some blood and stool tests. From the results of these tests, he decided to give me antibiotics. I know many of us do not like taking antibiotics but this time I did not resist at all. The only thing is that, this antibiotic is hard on my stomach also!? I guess it kills whatever is bad and also good inside… I did not go teaching yesterday either, I was still not fully recovered, nauseas and light headed. Today was new moon; therefore, I got a good rest.

Well, I am not sure what got me so sick. But I feel like it was something I ate home more than outside and the suspect is the homemade yogurt. The last one I did, did not settle so well, and also there was power shortage, so figure… Then I guess my too much thinking, worrying mind was a commencer as well… well I am hoping to be learning from all this… This is my second serious food poisoning. The first one was in Pune... then also my mind was confused with what I want to do and what I want not to do...

Now, my friend Jen with whom I met in Goa is here. She arrived last night. It is very nice to have her here, it took my mind form being sick and I am recovering much faster than I would if I were alone. Blessings to the practice and all the wonderful people I meet through the practice.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Gypsy music and some more...

Ohh, I meant to write this earlier… about last Friday. I went out with few friends to listen to Gypsy music and dancing. One of my friends is a scriptwriter and she is working on a TV series about Gypsies, so one of the things she had to do was to listen to Gypsy music, meet the musicians and the dance teacher. She asked us to go along with her and we were all for it since this sounded so interesting. I went to the island to see my parents but came back the same day to go out with them, even I, the unsocial one did such an effort to be there! And I think it was worth it. The music was really good and it was fun to dance to it. The dance teacher was dancing really well, and since Gypsies are originally from India, his dance was very similar to Indian people’s dancing, which I really enjoyed!

This week is going well. I was very energetic and happy in the beginning of the week. My energy is a bit lower now, but the mood is still good. Yes, I am pretty satisfied with the Mysore classes. They picked up, eventually my efforts begin to pay off! I am a bit exhausted… luckily, in mid-August, I will have a bit of a break… so, I need to apply for a visa again… being a Turk is not easy, need a visa to almost everywhere. I think I say this a lot…

On the other hand, my own practice is ok, but needs more power. Power! Maybe the holiday will help.

Saturday, July 11, 2009

Impatience is the...

This week has been really hot… it makes a sticky practice… I do not sweat so much since I practice much earlier and alone, so only the heat of one person in the room but while teaching the sun is in the studio, students get really wet with sweat and even I sweat… can be a bit overwhelming but I guess the heat opens the body more… so it is all good.

Middle of the week, I decided to go back to the doctor I have seen couple of months ago about the injury I have inside the knee. Well, figure this out, I was supposed to take the medicine he prescribed to me for a month while I only took it for a week. Misunderstanding is understandable since it was mercury retrograde when I saw him back then. First of all, he told me that these kinds of injuries take 3 to 6 month to recover fully, which is good to know. He examined me again and the only pain is inside my leg over the femur bone. Then, he went over the MRI pictures with me more thoroughly and showed the place where I have the pain, which is the bone, and over it is the inflammation. I asked him whether I was suppose to not do anything when he told me to rest it because I have done yoga and “tried” (sometimes unsuccessfully because of impatience) to not do things that hurt it… He told me to be free to do anything which does not hurt it. He also told me two other options to heal it which are much more extreme solutions than I would go for and he was not suggesting, just informing. One is this medicine with very strong side effects (he would not even tell me the side effects!!!); they give it to you and you stay in the hospital for 3 to 5 days (due to side effects I guess) and then you go out and do your yoga or whatever as if you have had no problem before. The second one is operation; they suck out the inflammation. Well, of course, I am sticking with just anti-inflammatory medicine and being “patient” since this is my karma yoga for the season!

The funny thing is that I began reading “Ka Stories of the Mind and Gods of India” and few pages into it I found myself reading these lines “…impatience is the only sin.” Well I should get the message already… everything in my life pointing towards this. By the way, I have only read few pages from the book but it seems to be fantastic… very excited, so I better go back to it.

By the way, the decision for August is going with sister to Afroz. I will not do the Satori since swimming is not allowed. I think it would be really good/healing for my body and mind and soul to soak in beautiful salty waters of Lesvos island… I will do the 3-day mediation chanting group which should be fun!

Sunday, July 05, 2009

I would be...

Rest of the week, my energy was high. Waking up was a bit slowww due to the heat, which do not let one sleep properly… But, after few Surya Namaskars, my energy has expanding and I would be wide-awake. The achy part near the left knee has been better with my own before sleep therapy, which consists of moksha (my sister got them from Dr. Passang while in Pune, they are incense sticks looking like cigars that you hold near where you have aching, swelling, etc.) and maha narayan taila oil on the achy part and massaging each foot with little sesame oil for about 10 minutes. I believe massaging the feet is especially good because they are all connected right? Feet, knees, hips. If one begins to open up, relax, then the others would also benefit from that. This is my strategy. Therefore, with all this, slowly getting better, but then on Friday, I got over excited and attempted to do Marihchyasana B and D properly. With D, after couple of breaths, I decided this was not a good idea yet because the pain was biting. Well, rest of the day it was a bit achy. Patience is the key! I cannot believe myself that I am still not getting this! I would be my worst student! I have to confess I am not as caring with I am with myself as I am with my own students! This is neither good nor smart! I know I know I know! I apologize from myself and I promise to take care! Now, it is good and I am being patient.

With classes, thing are going fine. Consistency is almost there. Still people are going to vacation and coming back but it has been all right.

Then… I am thinking of doing Satori in Afroz. They have one in the beginning of August. My sister and I have been planning to go to Afroz for a week. She will assist her teacher with a 3 day chanting and meditation course and I was thinking I might do that course. However, yesterday I suddenly had the idea that since I want to do a Vipassana course so much, I can do the Satori instead for the time being. I will see what will be the final decision; it all depends on whether we are allowed to swim once in a while during… and of course to the cost.

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Heat buzz

Ohh I am so tired today… it is insane. After coming back from teaching, I had my breakfast and I just could not help it, I lay down on my bed and just passed out… I could sleep the whole day probably, but I had to get up and run some errands. I think the heat is getting me... Moreover I am sore all over. I am sore in places I have not been for so long… such as my hamstrings… and then also something is pulling on the right side of my lower back… I feel it most during Halasana… it is weird. I am also sore in quadriceps since I decided to do Laghu Vajrasana number of times like Rolf used to make me do when I was learning it. I feel like I have been slacking a bit and therefore, my knees come off slightly when I am coming up from it. So, I do it exhale come down, inhale come up for several times and then do the 5 breath down and come up… that works your quads! Oh well, I need more energy tough, and not drinking coffee doesn’t help. I think me will begin drinking coffee soon… sorry homeopathy.

Friday, June 26, 2009

Sick morning...

This morning, well around 2:30 AM I was already awake, turning round and round in my bed. Then it was time to get up but I could not because my head was spinning, I was nauseas, so I thought if I sleep one more hour ,maybe I will be ok. One hour later I got up and threw up and had the runs… not so appealing… went back to bed… one hour later I got up, waited few minutes, called S to see if he could let people know that I cannot come, but damn he decided to not come this morning! So, I had to get up and go down to the shala. I let the student know that I was not going to adjust much since I was feeling nauseas… of course, it was not a good idea to go down to teach since I was not able to give good energy to the students… it would be better not to go at all, but I also felt responsible to let them know and there were few new beginners who might have showed up… Anyways… this at least benefits the knee, more rest to it… Now, I am feeling better, a bit tired from not so good sleep but nausea is much less and the diarrhea stopped. I will rest, be lazy, watch TV, read my book, eat boiled rice… and tomorrow, it will be all good.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

this morning...

This morning I had a weird practice, weird because of my emergency modification of the sequence. I did the whole standing sequence (modified ardha baddha padotannasana) and then did dandasana, paschimottanasanas, and then jumped to second series (!) but from shalabasana since even pasasana does not feel good on the knee, and krounchasana is a bit iffy, and I did up to supta vajrasana (modifying it) and did not even do my beloved bakasanas since they are also not great on the knee due to bending it and then I did not want to do any leg behind the head ones… I know this is a bit ridiculous… very unorthodox... but I wanted to do nothing that had to do with that area of the knee... so this what came out...

Well, the thing I realized is last week the knee or the area next to the knee (the pain is not on the knee) was much better but then I had this session with this very famous German body therapist named Manfred. Then it got worse again!? Maybe his session did not work on me. So, now I am back to almost beginning… a bit frustrating but still I am learning a lot. I am learning not to mix up stuff too much, just focus and believe it will be alright. No need for more body therapists, more doctors just do what is needed to be done, rest it!

Okey. Wish me good luck, good healing. I hope to be full power soon as Rolf would put it! Yet, even now things are all right, I am very lucky to have this much as well. namaste to all…

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Remembering Dr. Passang

On Sunday, we went to the island with my sister for my mom’s birthday, which was on Saturday and also for father’s day. Since Monday was moon day, we stayed over night. It was nice to stay out of the city, and spend time with my family… I baked a chocolate cake for mom which turned out really nice.

But I also cheated this weekend. I practiced Saturday, I did not practice Sunday and then I practiced on Monday in a moon day. Why? Well, I wanted to practice without having to do anything afterwards, such as running to the studio to teach… But I think ashtanga gods punished me for practicing yesterday because my body was all achy today ☺

Anyways… The thing is the knee is still not 100% healed and that is of course because of me. I think I might need to give it a real break like not practicing more than standing sequences for a week… because as soon as there is some improvement, I begin getting excited and trying to do more. However, if I do only standing sequence and maybe go over them twice and not pay attention to the knee at all (so I would not attempt ardha baddha padmottanasana) that might give it a better break. Then I will see what happens after a week. I keep thinking of Doctor Passang. If I were in Pune, he would have already fixed it, I am so sure. He is a great Tibetan doctor/ acupuncturist. I went to him my first time in Pune because my ankle was swollen form jumping around too much and a friend swore on him, telling me that he saved her life so she took me him… Now, me and my sister swear on him, especially my sister. I took my sister to him for the first time after the new years eve that same year, she was kind of paralyzed on her left side due to too much Indian Champaign ☺ But then he also helped her with many other things… He is a great doctor…

Thursday, June 18, 2009

So they are back...

So they are back, well most of them… the room is not so empty… I am happy to see especially certain faces…

Ohh yeah, this week had its dramas and incidents…. The last couple of days… yes in that room early morning. Yesterday one of my students fell on her nose while struggling with Buja Pindasana. I felt very responsible. I thought she could lift by herself, so I did not help her. I could have lifted her from the hips, instead, I told her what to do… I thought she was stronger than she is actually, I could have realized that she was not. Nothing serious happened, ice on the nose and then she wanted to continue. At the end of her practice, during shavasana, I did reiki to her. She left happy. I learned a good lesson: it is better to be on the cautious side. I guess this was all coming from thinking that I am not encouraging them to do more. All this other stuff is interfering… what stuff? don’t ask…

Then this morning… another thing. This is more about attitudes. One of them does not totally get the silence, and going within aspect of this practice…. She sometimes stops and begins engaging with what is going on with another who is next to her, or whom I am helping at the moment… so, I suddenly snapped today, I told her to mind her own business. Yes, I can sometimes be abruptly stern, not a great trade, I am aware. Well, later when I tried to help her with something she told me off. I really got red probably at that moment. Then, I had to just go on doing my job and then I sat and listened to myself. What do I feel, what do I want to do with this situation, what do I think? My first thoughts were to tell her that I cannot have her talking in the class, and when she is warned, her telling me off, so if we are going to have ego clashes here, better you do not come to my classes… yes, this was the first reaction of the mind. I kept sitting… and then I got out of the room when everyone finished. She was in shavasana and couple of more people also. When the others left, I went into the room; she was not in shavasana anymore but laying on her side. So, I sat beside her and touched her shoulder, then she said that she got hurt. I told her that she needs to practice to be concentrated in her own practice not to get all airy and get mixed up with others’ practices or whatever is going on around… I told her that she has a good practice, she works really hard to get the asanas she cannot manage and in short time, she manages them… this is all good, but besides the asana, we also need to go within, to not get distracted with everything so easily. I apologized from her for being so hard, and I needed to. Sometimes words come out without thinking and that is what happened, they just came out and of course I am a human too, so I do wrong as well… so I apologized and admitted that I could have told the same thing in much better way.

Being a teacher is the hardest and the most major trainings of all I guess. I realize that I am learning more than I could imagine. I am learning about relations, I am learning about myself, I am learning what happens when I compromise from myself, I am learning how to manage myself and others…

What else? Well I have been to a nutritionist with my mom’s insistence. That is another story. Briefly, I have to eat more protein. And I am doing a big effort now, it helps that she gave me some guidelines. Like Kathy the acupuncturist, she also told me that I need to eat legumes with rice like Indian people, then it is a complete protein source…

Saturday, June 13, 2009

Need Backing maybe...

Quiet… Going and then coming back always requires a bit of settling down time for me. Realization of what it could have been like with a good teacher all the time… then coming back and finding half of the students are gone… gone where? Vacation… and then some of them just don’t practice I guess since their TT has finished… well again “?” for me… practice for just TT mentality?
Don’t know, don’t know.

I am trying to read Sutras slowly. I have this book on Yoga Sutras of Patanjali I got for Tias’s training, it is translated and commented by Chip Hartranft. Back then, I was too intimidated to read it other than looking for the references Tias did during the training. Well, actually we really did not read much else than the booklet they gave then. However, to my surprise, this book is not intimidating, it is nicely written, not confusing, not over my head (is this a correct expression?) so I read and then try to implement, and yes not so successful yet ☺ trying to see the distinction between the self and the awareness, trying nonreaction, trying to observe, and still I get swept away… ohh well…

So again the thoughts of India, thoughts of maybe visiting Rolf and Marci in August since it will be even more empty here in that time. no need to struggle with that, and instead doing something that will benefit me... just a thought

Friday, June 05, 2009

A week of London!

I am back from London after a week! It was great to visit this place where my journey of ashtanga practice began! It was great to practice with one of my first ashtanga teachers who had a great influence on my practice, on my commitment to the practice… It was great to drink lots of Monmouth coffee again. And it was great to stay and hang out with a friend with whom I met in Mysore.

I have lots of things to write about… lots of. But probably I will forget some of it with time; therefore, here is a quick one or two words…

Last weekend, we attended Matthew Sweeney workshop for jump troughs. I think I picked up one thing that will help me with strengthening the Moola Bandha. Sunday was self-practice elsewhere in Islington with a very nice lady and then brunch at Food for Thought; it couldn’t be any better! It was so fun to spend time with two ashtangis! all the yoga talk you can do and all the related stuff...

Then came my first day of practicing with Cary again after 2 years…She is so vibrant and so lovely! While It was great to so her again and, I was also so nervous! Kind of feeling responsible to do well since she hadn’t seen me for so long and I wanted her to notice that I have been working on my practice… I felt a bit like I am not as good as I could be; if I kept on with her all this time, I could be much better… and of course my knee injury did not make me feel any better, not doing anything or able to do many things properly… I guess it was a big humbling experience. Maybe it was more valuable than if I could do everything great; it was -yes you are back to the point where you begin and actually you are back to the physical place where you begin too! At least, now, she has seen me dropping back and coming up! Back then, for so many months she helped me with this, but I was too scared and could not do it. On the other hand, she knew I could do it and right after we parted, I did it! Because she worked with me so much on drop backs, I wanted her to see this. At last she has seen… and she is like Sharat, it is great to grab ankles with her… Then, she gave me some great tips for bakasana. I say great tips because obviously what I have been doing did not work since I still did not make much improvement in such a long time of endeavoring. Something has not been working, and I know mostly it is the fear factor. Cary showed me the way to go forward low, instead of jumping high and going down to the knees, which is much more difficult, especially if you are trying going high before you win over your fear of going forward… And now, I am determined! I have to do this, I have to do it and there is no other way; I will try many many times every day with pillows in front of me and I will do this before my birthday! Yes, here I say it, and so it has to be done, no excuses and no frustrations any more, just working on it with a determined and positive mind! See, how Cary is a motivating , encouraging teacher and with great ways to approach things without discouraging… not only a “just do it” approach, but actually giving really helpful tips. That is what is needed from a teacher. To show a way, which is workable for the student, a way where there can be improvements done. Also, she is such a good example of believing in the practice and believing in the power of will... Our mind tries to trick us to a lot of things that are not true; here comes my “maya”, illusion, of not being good enough, not being strong enough, not being this and that enough… Well, of course I need to get stronger, and I need to get better in what I do, but it does not help to think in a discouraging way. I think the way is doing it and realizing the patterns which set us back; therefore, we can change them. I guess this is true in most things not in only trying to achieve a posture…

Then I also I got to meet Oscar! He is a lovely baby. So calm and smiley and responsive to people. He really recognizes the people… For example, as I eneered the door, Cary said “look this is Ahu, an old friend” and he looked at me and then smiled! I found this incredible for a 5 month old! It was also wonderful to see Cary other than practice, and talk with her! Afterwards, I realized that I have grown up in some ways; maybe I was just more comfortable expressing myself…

I know London has been so much about yoga… But it has always been that way. Ohh also I got the third tattoo fixed so now it is really the third tattoo instead of that draft of a tattoo… I got it at the last moment at A Ture Love. In to You was booked of course, I asked them through email way before arriving to London… Anyways, the tattoo is sorted out and much more like what I had in mind in the first place.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Slump and full power...

Yesterday was a slump practice, even though I woke up much earlier than my alarm clock. Usually, if I wake up earlier, it means I am full of energy but yesterday, everything was effort. I thought himm maybe after Tias workshop, I am out of tune… or lost it all… By now, you should know I am a bit black and white person, can suddenly imagine everything is gone… but of course I see that now and kind of smiled to myself and went on and I went on doing it all, Marcihyasana B and D even, after 2 weeks of knee caution. Well, that was maybe a bit too early, I could feel the knee afterwards… I did not stick to my plan of slowly introducing Janu Sirsanas this week, and not half lotus postures yet… Yes, I am bad in that regard. Well, this morning I got up early again, around the same time. I realized I kept having rocking and sliding dreams just like Tias’s workshop. I guess all that rocking and sliding have some meaning, some healing so that I absorbed them so deeply… or my beloved moon in pisces sucked up all the energy in that room in the weekend so this is the after effects… I woke up but this time full power. Yes, the practice was full power, I did Janu sirsasanas; with Marchyasana B and D, I chose to back of… My energy was high and big and so it was effortless practice. But I had to remember that most likely tomorrow will not be like this or maybe it will be… With the knee, I have to be patient, I see myself how I am prone to pushing it. Wait another few days!

I also had some after thoughts… He was telling me about their 500 hour program, since I have done the 200 hour. They have a week-long training right before I go to Boulder. I got excited first but then… I am just really turned off with his “the teacher” mode, the distance he puts, lack of heart… You know Rolf is such a big heart! Makes one feel utterly comfortable, accepted… With him, I feel awkward, I don’t know how to approach, to say something after all that studying I have done with him… looks very uninterested. And I know he is full of great information, great teaching… but that is all the mind… which will die. And I can get the information, I will get the information needed in some way, but I guess not from him for now. Maybe this is too bold to declare, maybe I might need to eat my words later on but I want to say how I feel right now!

Saturday, May 23, 2009

Tias one more time!

Tias is here one more time. He arrived on Thursday; I got to meet him today. I did translation during the workshop for people who do not understand English. It is not easy but was not as bad as I thought and at the last bit, one of my teacher friends took over, so I got to practice with everybody else ☺. It was a looonnggg day from 10 AM till 6:30PM. Tomorrow, it is also on but much shorter, from 10AM till 12:30PM only.

Today, Tias did very interesting stuff… less on the asana side but more on the reptile work of his… well more of the unwinding work. It was interesting and it looked like massage to the body and of course after translating all this while the students did it, I got envies… they looked like wow so relaxed… so I had to do it myself during the break! I think, now on, I can do all this instead of getting a massage. All the work was to release shoulders, to release the spine, the sacrum, the psoas… it is very nice work.

Lets see what he will do tomorrow. It will be on the cranium and I remember loving the cranium work during the training while in Santa Fe.

Monday, May 18, 2009

Farewell Guruji

Ten minutes ago, I learned from my friend Odin, who is in Mysore now, that Guruji has passed away. I am very sad but I also have to realize that this is how life is… everything is impermanent and we will all die…
Guruji was still teaching when I went to Mysore for the first time; therefore, I was lucky to have his direct teaching briefly. I thank him as I have done so many times from my heart for teaching this practice to so many people, to our teachers, to us… Love and light to Guruji... farewell...

Sunday, May 17, 2009

Poison Ivy Girl

Ha, I have been down and up since Friday… I have been pretty nervous whole week about the knee. Then it was getting better as I said in my previous post… On Friday, I went to pick up the MRI. I took it to the doctor who looked at me two weeks ago. He was just finishing his shift for the day. He just looked at the report and briefly to the pictures and said you have micro tear on your meniscus! I was devastated. I asked if it heals and he said, “No, it does not heal… You can have an operation but I do not think you would be up for it, so you have to make your quads stronger.” I told him that my quads are pretty strong… and tried to describe the strength exercise I have been doing which M told me to do. His response was “you are on your knees when you have knee pain?”. I tried to tell him that I do not do anything that hurts my knee but he was frustrated, and I guess he was tired from the Friday shift and he told me that I will probably tear my meniscus fully if I go on like this :| I began feeling dizzy, faintly. I throw myself out of the emergency and ran to the other hospital which is across the street to make an appointment with the first doctor who examined me and requested the MRI. Then, I ran to do studio for the teachers meeting. S was there also, so I could cry to him and he was “it is okay, I had the same pain too, so I have it too then, what to do, we will continue to practice in a way we can…” It was great to have him there, because he is the only one who could understand me. Otherwise, I would sit there with this heaviness inside me, but having his support made me feel all right. Then I taught my class… After a drink with S and another person who took the class, I got home feeling very sleepy.

In the morning, I went to the hospital, with what will happen next mood… I went into the doctor’s office, he took the MRI pix on his bright board and the first thing that came out of his mouth was “Your meniscus is healthy”! I could not believe what I was hearing because I was just about to tell him, that there is this micro tear… He said that there is inflammation at the tip of the femur. I told him that I was told that there is micro tear in my meniscus, and the report, which came along with the pictures, also says something like that… He told me that he would not call this a meniscus tear, then he looked at the report and read it “there is an impression of micro meniscus tear…” His explanation was that he does meniscus operation; therefore, he knows how it looks really and he sees me and knows my symptoms and my symptoms do not match with a meniscus problem and the lab people only sees the pictures… they do not do operations nor see the patients… He told me that there is inflammation due to some trauma and pointed to the area exactly where I have the pain and he told me that it will heal in 3 to 6 weeks with resting the knee. I was so so so happy and so grateful! I believe he is correct because with one week of taking it very easy with the knee, it began feeling better. When I told him this, he said “so, two more weeks and you will be fine!”

I got out of the hospital on top of the clouds. Yes, I was overly excited, happy… I was so Vata, flying in the air! I know it is no good to go to such extremes. I could have thorn it and then what? I would have to deal with it, I was not going to leave everything. This whole experience taught me so much: I became much more attentive to the students with tight hips; I became much more aware that everything is impermanent and so I should enjoy what I have at the moment rather than longing for more or different; I realized that I have to keep going no matter what, the practice will be possible with or without injuries and will keep teaching me and nourishing me; I do not have to aim for the super duper always, just be happy that I can practice; take care of the body, be nice to the body and feed it well…

Then what happened? Well, David’s homeopathic treatment could go on since the problem seemed to match with his diagnoses and therefore, his treatment of poison ivy was relevant. He wanted to give me a large doze of poison ivy,then I would not have to take it everyday. He told me to pick it up from the studio. I went to the studio on my way to meeting Ken to explore the other side and asked if David left me a medicine. They gave me this small cone which had tiny tiny little pills in it, really tiny like mustard seeds. I thought for a moment, “is this the one I am suppose to take?” Well, the label said rhus tox which is poison ivy… so just like that, I swallowed the whole cone of tiny pills. Later, David called me to ask if I found the pills. Then he called again to ask if there were more of it and I said no. He also asked whether I touched it or not, no I did not…. Then he called me again and asked “Maya, how many you took?” and I told him that one cone. And David “Maya! you took the whole cone? You overdosed, you took so much! That is a huge amount of poison ivy, you were suppose to take only one of those!” He was kind of freaking and at the same time trying to stay calm and telling me that I am healthy and strong, so I should be okay and asked me whether I felt anything weird. I told him I was just feeling my lips a bit numb earlier and as I said this, I realized I was a bit high too ☺… so much poison ivy!!!! Then he called me one more time after I arrived home and he told me that if I feel any side effects, which I had to ask what they might be, to drink coffee, he said “side effects can be anything, if you get too angry, if you get too sleepy and cannot stand it… just go to Starbucks and begin drinking cups of espresso!” I was like “ha, that is why I did it, to have coffee finally!” Well I apologized for my goofiness. I was mostly concerned that I finished all this medicine which he was maybe going to give to other people as well! I guess I only got the sleepiness, the heaviness. Therefore, after teaching the led class, I came home with Flor for breakfast on my balcony and I had the coffee!!! Yeah it was great. But I know I should stay away from it until London. This was just not to be so dozed all they long with the over doze…

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Better...

The knee is getting better! I realized last night that the pain was much much less and it was the same in the morning. I still did the modified practice but it made me think that it might be possible to add the janu sirsanas next week! Slowly, slowly….

Today was a Ikea trip with mom. I got a bookcase since I was trying to go along with a small one which did not hold all my books, so some of them has been laying on top of the small book case and in a box…

I also realized that I can be a real bitch sometimes. It is always tough to face such things… well what to do? just realize it and maybe it changes…

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Lotus

A student of mine got into lotus today for the first time! She was all glowing when I looked toward her and then she pointed to her legs and quietly said “First time, lotus” I could feel her excitement so well! I got as excited as she was!

Me, on the other hand, doing okey. Continuing with the modified practice. This morning I was really full power as Rolf would put it. But so much in primary now is all modified; still my energy was really high… Well, got to do what you got to do, rite? But the weird thing is my right knee began feeling funny also!? I began thinking that this is all beyond physical. As usual with me, it might boil down to some emotional stuff. Kumar is probably smiling… Still I am worrying. What if I have some joint disease? Okay, after this thought, I just wanna go back to getting excited for my students lotus, which is much more positive.

Monday, May 11, 2009

Full moon weekend

Friday was the MRI after my evening class… But I will not get the results until this Friday… so more waiting. The same evening my friends came over, we had a nice time talking, looking at Mysore style book, drinking some wine… I was able to stay up and be calm to my surprise. The full moon of next day as already making itself felt on Friday, so I was a bit uneasy, a bit scared due to the knee MRI, a bit like “himm I am not sure if I can socialize” but it turned out just fine. We had a nice time and it was better than sitting alone with my anxiety.

Saturday was the full moon. I went to the “Ecological Market”. I was not planning to go there this week but then, Ken the Rolfer just arrived to Istanbul and he asked me if I would want to meet him and his assistant there, and I of course would. I had to wait for them quiet a while tough… because they got lost ☺ lost for an hour… Istanbul can be hard to figure out, even for me, especially if you are trying to find somewhere like ecological market because not so many people know about it, they don’t even know what ecological market is..,. My first time to the market this year, I took a cab to get there because I did not remember where it was since I have been there only once. Of course the cab driver did not know where it was either, but I thought we could figure it out on the way. At one point, he asked me what is ecological market and I said that they sell produce grown without hormones, pesticides etc… and he said “produce with hormones?” he just understood the other way around… I try to briefly explain again. Organic food is a very new phenomenon in Turkey… It is growing more and more of course, but just for the upper and middle class… I guess that is like that in most places.

Well, it was very nice to meet Ken again. He will be in Istanbul for a while. It is always a pleasure to talk to him since he is a well of information. I told him about the knee… He said it might be meniscus :| he gave me some tips about how to modify my practice. After I told him how tight hips most of my students are and that they are having knee problems he was like “ahh you are looking to it from other way around, it is not your knee! “ well, yes, I am like that, I took on other people’s stuff very easily. For instance, last year, one of my students told me that they have pain at the back of their knee whenever they do ashtanga and that was very new to me, I said that I never have that… and of course next day I began having pain at the back of my knee which lasted for couple of months… I am like that…

Sunday was mother’s day lunch with my family. We went to a nice restaurant by the seashore. The weather was beautiful; we sat outside and enjoyed our lunch. Then I got home, I was very sleepy… I am feeling overly sleepy these days. I went to bed at 8PM and slept like a log until 3:45AM this morning… and I was still very sleepy but I managed to get up, practice and teach. I wonder if it is because of the homeopathic medicine David gave me or no coffee due to the medicine which is making me this much sleepy… Luckily, the practice usually wakes me up at some point of the practice. Sometimes it happens much faster, like during sun salutation and sometimes it happens much later, but it happens...

Ohh did I tell that I got the Visa to UK and then the ticket to London was already bought! I am looking forward to this vacation and I am hoping that I will have a healthier, happier knee by that time. Maybe it is too soon to expect this, but I put the intention, send the message to universe and to myself…

Friday, May 08, 2009

Fear of...

I have been on and off this week. Had a disappointing moment regarding some really childish stuff… and got upset for being used as an excuse… Using someone else’s name as an excuse is really not nice, not respectable, especially when what is being said has nothing to do with the reality of the person you are using. But what do I do in such a situation? I got angry and upset and sad but decided not to do anything… I cannot correct other people’s wrong; I can only try to correct my own wrong doings I guess. And this whole thing made me thing that I might be doing something wrong. If some people thing that they can use me like this, then yeah I guess I have been doing something wrong in my relationship with them. Maybe I look too naïve, too soft, or I gave them a right to do all this, they thought I would think alike them… So, I just try not to react, and hopefully response… now it is just quiet.

Other thing is that today, I will get my MRI taken for the left knee. I am a bit nervous. Okey, to be honest, I am really nervous. Well, for the last couple of days I have been only doing standing asanas and my second series asanas, plus some knee strengthening exercises and no lotus... Decision made by me and M on a facebook chat session. He told me to do the knee strengthening exercise before Ustrasana, Laghu Vajrasana and Kapotasana. So, for the first time really, I am not practicing primary and I am not sure this kind of modification is orthodox. On the other hand, David gave me the homeopathy medicine, rhus tox, which is poison ivy, which also means the beginning of "no coffee days" :( but should do at least this much to heal, rite? With all this, the knee is actually feeling better already, but also I am not trying any postures which have been painful for the last couple of weeks, so maybe that is why I thing it is feeling pretty good…

However, the real issue is that I am really scared! Yeah makes sense right? Knee pain signifies fear! So, I am scared of not being able to do my practice… I am scared of having a serious injury… on and on… and all this shows my FEAR which has probably been there much before the knee pain. Yes, honestly, I am very attached to my practice. I know this is no good but knowing is not enough, is it? So now I am living it, I am really experiencing, feeling the fear… and I also see I am trying to work it out, I am trying to soften and realize that this will be a good teacher to me. Teaching me to see what Rolf was telling me that practice is not the whole life, and then, when I was so frustrated with Baksana B, they were telling me this is humbling for me since everything else is easy for me… and now, I am seeing how it is when everything else also not so easy… and understanding the gratitude that I should have for my abilities instead of beating myself up so much for my failures… and I am also realizing that there will be times when practice will not be possible, maybe it will be partial maybe not at all… life’s circumstances will ask you to adapt and then you have to adapt no matter how devoted you are to your practice…

I am also anxious about Guruji… I had little personal contact with him when I went to Mysore first time… that was the last year he was really teaching… I think I have been very fortunate to have his touch, his teaching even if it was for a brief time. I realize that we will all pass away when it is the time, and so I send my prayers and gratefulness to Guruji for teaching to our teachers and to us this practice which helped make some of our lives more meaningful!

Tuesday, May 05, 2009

Trip planning...

Yey, I purchased my ticket to London! It was reserved until tomorrow… I was going to try to extend the reservation time since I am applying for the visa tomorrow… but Dad stopped by today and he told me to just get the ticket, he said “ the visa will come, you have time, get the ticket, don’t miss it!” so I got it! and it is an award ticket from Turkish airlines, I just had to pay for the taxes. It is kind of half way set, my little vacation. Ohh so excited!
Then, the assistant at the studio just called me for few private classes for a company! My first private! Good luck to me! That might und my trip maybe or a new Mac which I seem to need already ☺

Ohh, also I gave some India pictures to be developed, I will frame them and hang them around! and I gave the Mysore style book to have its beautiful cover to be made to a poster like photo! That will be really nice if they can manage to do a good job. I love that photo of Rolf, the expression on his face is so deep...

Saturday, May 02, 2009

Full week, whole week

Yes I have been very quiet this week… Well, my mind was busy with stuff… some stuff related to health… some stuff related to travel…

First, I had the dentist shock and then de-shock… The cap over my root canal which came out in Mysore and replaced by Dr. Kuttapa popped out like a coke bottle cap and so I had to go to my dentist… He made a new one but they wanted to charge me a huge amount of money… it was the cap he made which broke in the first place, it was just a year old maybe… Of course, I was shocked with the amount of the bill and I did not have the required money with me at that moment. After I got home, we called the dentist back to make sure about this price… and contrary to his secretary, he told us that I was not to pay anything!!!! Good thing we rechecked it; otherwise, I would pay a large amount for something that I was not suppose to pay for.

Then my knee… been bothering me, bothering me… David did a homeopathy session but he never gave me the medicine to cure it. Therefore, at the end, I had to give up and go to a regular doctor. I went to a private hospital by my house to see a doc and he wanted MR but that was soo expensive in that hospital, I had to walk out and go to the non-private Emergency hospital across the street to have it done… That was a mad house. I waited for 2 hours, watched the people. Not cheerful environment at all… Then I made friends with the two pairs of daughter-mom… One of the mothers was a reiki master. She gave reiki to my knee and told me some ways to protect myself from negative energy; one way is using rock salt. (I have reiki 2, why am I not using reiki on my knee? Uhh…) Well, then at the end of 2 hours, I got to get examined by the cute young doctor. He did almost the excite same examination the doctor in the private hospital did where I was charged more than ten times for his examination. The cute doctor was much nicer and receptive of my yoga practice. He also wanted a MR, which costs much less, like less than 1/10 of the private hospital… But of course I waited 2 hours and the MR will be done next Friday, not like right at the moment as it would be in the private hospital. This showed me that I need to get a health insurance… The reiki master mom told me that health insurance is not so expensive compare to the bills they charge for one thing in the private hospitals…
Of course this whole experience was something… like a reality check. How I and my family and people around me live compare to all those people I got to watch in those 2 hours seemed totally different. The circumstances, the drive of people seem all different. Really old, sick people in the hospital beds been taken from one place to another… one grandfather being visited by his grandchildren and he was distributing all these cookies and candy to children, even to us… then the man who tried to hit the secretary who would not want to take him for examination because the time for examinations were over, he was late… then the Doctor who examined me called me “my teacher” when he heard I was teaching yoga, and I shyly told him I am also a student.. He said he wants to try yoga. I was so ashamed because his work circumstance compare to mine was totally different, reverse, difficult and the way some patience were treating them, telling them they were being paid salary by their money and they had to serve them and serve them and serve them… and in fact, he mumbled his salary at one moment and yeah it is very minimal. I thought of the doctor in the private hospital… how much more he makes… probably he is more experienced, he probably does operations. This young doctor examined my knee the same way, I hope he is also as good and he also gets to work in a private hospital and earn more accordingly for his skills at one point... Well, with the knee, it hurts, kind of worse, and there is bruising over the knee towards the inside and then same kind of bruise with the right one also appeared. What is going on with my knees? I also think of it as more emotional? Knees symbolizes fear? Fear of what? Ohhh I doonuu… I just know that I want healthy knees…

Then, planning to visit London for a week at the end of May. That has been tricky so far. A friend told me that I can stay with her but then she kind of back down or something like that. She has some traveling coming up and she does not know her excite dates and then it was a bit weird at the end with the communication. Therefore, I was almost giving up the idea of going until I came across a friend from Mysore at facebook chat. He also lives in London. I was telling him I want to visit London but not sure if it will happen and he aid ohh come and stay with me…. I was like “u sure?” It turned out he is sure and he gave me the information I need for Visa application right away and I applied for the Visa that I need to visit almost most countries… Hopefully, it will be all set and I will be in London to see and study with Cary, socialize a bit with other ashtangis, go around the city, have a bit of a vacation to feed myself and to come back and teach full power!

Now, time to decide whether I want to do an Inversions and Back bending workshop with Nicol this afternoon.. I am kind of lazy...

Thursday, April 23, 2009

After thoughts

Reflections on a conversation with a friend… It really struck me when P. said something similar to “ they look good maybe but do they feel good inside? Maybe a perfect looking trikonasana but how do they feel inside or do they feel at all?” I hung on to these words and some more for several reasons. One reason was his openness and his natural way, easy going way, even making me relax at the very moment, reminding me why I love yoga in the first place. Another was that he reminded me something I realized while I was in India… When I arrived to India and began practicing I realized that how I was beginning to get obsessed with alignment when I was back at home teaching. I think one reason for this was the reputation of ashtangis for having bad alignment. I was afraid of being judged by others with how I teach and how students look, so I was getting obsessed with alignment in class and also in my own practice… this was a bit silly and again obsessive but I was concerned nevertheless… and then when I got to India, I relaxed and recognized this obsession. And now, I ask, how far one can get looking perfect in a pose? Is there a limit to making it look better and better? Isn’t the actual key feeling comfortable in the pose? I donnu… this is rather a tricky question to answer. For sure, alignment is important and we cannot dismiss the certain rules; however, after some point, we also have to let go, otherwise I might be in Warrior 2 for a whole day or two… the knee, the back leg, the pelvis, the torso, arms… but then enough already just breath….

Well, so how do we feel inside, how does yoga makes us feel or the realization of how we feel while practicing… I guess these are the fundamentals…

Then when P. mentioned “learning in silence” I went aha that is what I could not put into words… I kept saying “there is this magic in Mysore, I don’t know if it is the energy of the shala or the energy of practicing with so many people…” kept on “Practicing with all these people you begin doing things that you were not able to do, you see things and then some how you also start doing them…” Well the short way of saying all this is “Learning in silence”! and when it is put in this way, it is even stronger.

What else… The winter made a come back to Istanbul ☹ It has been rainy, cold, even little snow I saw yesterday… This makes it harder to go out of the house early in the morning, but I suppose these are the last bits of the winter, and the sunshine will come back very soon.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Another's breath and etc...

Another week. So far so good. Students seem full power this week. It makes me happy and tired ☺ in a good way like tired from working not tired from boredom…
My own practice is fine. I realize that the days Flor comes to practice early is kind of blessing for me. I really like the company of another while practicing even if they are at the other corner of the room. Just hearing another breathing… My energy really gets a boost.

I am slowly but consistently reading the Zen mind Beginners Mind. I read one or two chapters everyday and also go over the previous chapter I read each day… I try to really absorb what Suziki was saying. I liked yesterdays chapters, practicing without any aim otherwise we miss the practice, we are always trying to catch up with our aim. HE is talking about the zazen practice but I think it is true for all practices… And I am sitting each day even if it is for 5 or 20 minutes…

With the practice, I feel like something different with jumping up but I feel that
I think this every week… so now I am not getting excited or discouraged, just jumping. But I have to share this about yesterday, before jumping to Bakasana B, I imagined Rolf standing in front of me to catch me as he does, and wowoow I jumped really high and over, it felt like almost! I was giggling afterwards because I really saw that I was scared like Rolf was telling me ☺