Fear of...

I have been on and off this week. Had a disappointing moment regarding some really childish stuff… and got upset for being used as an excuse… Using someone else’s name as an excuse is really not nice, not respectable, especially when what is being said has nothing to do with the reality of the person you are using. But what do I do in such a situation? I got angry and upset and sad but decided not to do anything… I cannot correct other people’s wrong; I can only try to correct my own wrong doings I guess. And this whole thing made me thing that I might be doing something wrong. If some people thing that they can use me like this, then yeah I guess I have been doing something wrong in my relationship with them. Maybe I look too naïve, too soft, or I gave them a right to do all this, they thought I would think alike them… So, I just try not to react, and hopefully response… now it is just quiet.

Other thing is that today, I will get my MRI taken for the left knee. I am a bit nervous. Okey, to be honest, I am really nervous. Well, for the last couple of days I have been only doing standing asanas and my second series asanas, plus some knee strengthening exercises and no lotus... Decision made by me and M on a facebook chat session. He told me to do the knee strengthening exercise before Ustrasana, Laghu Vajrasana and Kapotasana. So, for the first time really, I am not practicing primary and I am not sure this kind of modification is orthodox. On the other hand, David gave me the homeopathy medicine, rhus tox, which is poison ivy, which also means the beginning of "no coffee days" :( but should do at least this much to heal, rite? With all this, the knee is actually feeling better already, but also I am not trying any postures which have been painful for the last couple of weeks, so maybe that is why I thing it is feeling pretty good…

However, the real issue is that I am really scared! Yeah makes sense right? Knee pain signifies fear! So, I am scared of not being able to do my practice… I am scared of having a serious injury… on and on… and all this shows my FEAR which has probably been there much before the knee pain. Yes, honestly, I am very attached to my practice. I know this is no good but knowing is not enough, is it? So now I am living it, I am really experiencing, feeling the fear… and I also see I am trying to work it out, I am trying to soften and realize that this will be a good teacher to me. Teaching me to see what Rolf was telling me that practice is not the whole life, and then, when I was so frustrated with Baksana B, they were telling me this is humbling for me since everything else is easy for me… and now, I am seeing how it is when everything else also not so easy… and understanding the gratitude that I should have for my abilities instead of beating myself up so much for my failures… and I am also realizing that there will be times when practice will not be possible, maybe it will be partial maybe not at all… life’s circumstances will ask you to adapt and then you have to adapt no matter how devoted you are to your practice…

I am also anxious about Guruji… I had little personal contact with him when I went to Mysore first time… that was the last year he was really teaching… I think I have been very fortunate to have his touch, his teaching even if it was for a brief time. I realize that we will all pass away when it is the time, and so I send my prayers and gratefulness to Guruji for teaching to our teachers and to us this practice which helped make some of our lives more meaningful!