Time

I donnu how it is slipping through my hands…  It makes me wonder where I will end up in no time again…  I am being reminded of my mom’s words to me when I was too depressed last summer, her telling me not to waste my time with being so sad because this precious time we have goes by so fast, that she cannot believe how the time passed so fast that I am in my 30s now…  Well she of course had a point but also it was invaluable for me at that time to go down so low…  It showed me a lot, also made me feel things more deeply, not pleasant feelings but rather disturbing ones which made me face myself more honestly and brought this process of learning to except myself with more openness… It is still an on going process which will take a life time…

I am facing myself in my practice everyday but also now in someone else who is mirroring me in so many ways…  Practicing on the mat has been fine. Things that I work on do not come easily and then still there are things happening slowly slowly… Some days I get frustrated, why so slow progress??? and then I see it is my mind which gets fixated on doing it the wrong way!  Ha! I am so prone to expect the negative, it is also in my practice and then of course that can be the result. This is actually a good lesson because it is in other parts of my life as well.  One part of my life has been high lighted for the past couple of months.  I have been avoiding it so well and now I have to open the doors and windows and let the new air circulate; however, it is not easy.  Many spider webs, holding onto old memories, old feelings, visions…  I shrink and get scared because expect same ways of treatment I had before which has nothing to do with the one in front of me, …  Then I go to other end, I panic and try to hold on really tight so it does not slip away and of course everything gets cramped up when there is no space to breath..  and one more time to the other side of the pendulum, I begin thinking about giving up, “what is the point, it won’t work anyways” syndrome...  so back and forth…  negative to positive, all great to hell run…  Of course my point of reference is not the actuality of now but the past… Events and people from the past and past behaviour patterns of mine which were adopted at the time due to circumstances that have little to do with the present moment, present me or with the person across from me.  Ahh, this is harder then the yoga practice on my mat.  Realizing, and not going on with all this habitual patterns of past but creating a new reality, a new belief system, new point of view, new ways of responding, communicating and a way to see the reality with naked eyes rather than with a vision blurred with the past…  On the other hand, I guess my practice on the mat still can inform this new task I took upon, and create a reference point. One point to start from is to not give up and to take the task everyday in the same way I take upon my daily practice… I owe this to myself not because there has to be something grand at the end of this whole thing, maybe it will fade away, but I think there is a great possibility of learning, and understanding that can come out of it just as there was from the low I have been through last summer.  I don’t want to avoid, run away from it due to my fears.  I have enough confidence to face other parts of life as well… and there is this beautiful being in front of me who is as human as I am and not afraid to show this to me, no pretentiousness, much openness and same as me dealing with fears and reluctances…