Monday, March 22, 2010

rambling

I just got an email from a friend with whom I met during my last trip to Mysore. We were together only couple of weeks, then she left but during those couple of weeks, we spent good time, and get to know each other pretty well. She was staying with Gita and I also moved to the upstairs room at Gita's house and then when she left I took her room. And after so long she wrote to me today, and attached were the photos. Even before opening the email I knew it, I saw the attachment and thought that those must be photos of her and her baby(!?) I did not know that she gave birth but I always remembered her telling me that "Gita says girls who stay in this room always have daughters" in the room we both stayed.. And yes, she gave birth to a beautiful baby girl! As I was looking at her photos, suddenly this though passed in my mind "will I ever hold my own baby in my arms like this, so gently, so lovingly..." and I felt the sadness... I never thought that I wanted to have a baby. I cannot even maintain a healthy relationship, leave that to the side, I cannot even find/choose the right person. So I felt the sadness that it might never be possible for me, but the thing is I never knew I could be longing for this... There were all these selfish things to accomplish before, and those things to accomplish, would they ever be accomplished in this life time? Wanting to be free from relationships so I can float as I wish, no one should be on the way of my missions... then could there be any space, time for a baby? Maybe at the right time with the right one... not much more to say other than my friend looks beautiful with her lovely daughter.

1 comment:

Boodiba said...

Oooh it sounds like your maternal instincts are kicking in!!