Stage fright or what???

So, yesterday my backdrops were almost there. C did not hold me much, I am thinking intentionally since Tuesday she said “you are just this much (I cannot make the hand gesture) away from it” And yes I drop a bit faster on my hands by myself but less faster than previous let goes she did… so almost there but I am not sure if I can say the same thing about coming up, feels like that will take longer. Still not sure which part of the body needs to be stronger, legs or the back, to come up. I guess both.
Then this morning we had the usual talk through. I have been doing my headstands free floating for sometime but not during the Friday’s led classes since I did not want to disturb people with my occasional falling and rolling. But this week I have been doing much better, did not fall much, and stayed up much longer. So, I decided that I should avoid the wall now on, but then I stayed up much less this morning than I have been during self-practices (eventhough still everyone is there during self practice, I guess everyone doing their own thing feels more casual)... Now I am wandering is it stage fright or too much of self-consciousness… well, they are kind of the same thing, right? But then as if anyone is watching me! no, people don’t watch each other during practice. Well… yes, since whenever someone achieves to do a backdrop or some sort of other difficult asana, people usually say good job after the practice… but still, no, we are not watching each other. Okey, I think the real reason is the way I classify asanas in my mind, there are kind of asanas that without even trying them I can tell it will be no problem to do, the ones that require flexibility of arms, shoulders and then there are ones that are scary or requires much more strength then I have at the moment. The scary asanas are ones like head or handstands where I would see the world upside down and would not really be able to tell what my body is like, too much to the front or too much to do back, am I falling???? Well, I guess I am starting have a sense of what my body is doing during headstands, at least I can tell my body is crocked to the left, but could not manage to straighten that crookedness yet. And then the backdrops, they were scary the first time and still scary to do by myself. I was bending backwards the other day while waiting for Cary to come and help me. When she came, she asked “did you realize it is just because you are scared that you cannot do them yourself?” but I said I did not think that I was scared but thought that I seem to loose my balance with those long arms hanging backwards…
Anyways, I am doing another cleanse this weekend. I seem to lost taste in food. I don’t enjoy much, or when I eat, I feel so full! What is my problem? Well maybe my stomach is a bit more sensitive than usual. Maybe it is because I am unconsciously stressed form this dissertation writing process. But it is coming along fine; at least that is what I think.