Vacation month for Istanbul begins

I have been not writing… because I was busy and lazy and a bit down and then up…
After the food poisoning, as I mentioned Jen was here last week … it was very nice to have her. She was an easy going and fun guest to have. We cooked together, so I was fed better last week ☺. Then I took her to do the island to visit my parents; that went really well also. It was very good for my parents to meet another ashtangi; therefore, they see that there are other people like me and they are normal, nice people. After the island trip, we went to Grand Bazaar and the Spice Bazaar. Boy, that day was really hot! It was the peak heat of July! But we managed. Jen and I are very similar when it comes to shopping, we do not like to wander around many hours, going into every store; we both like to go to one or two stores, get what we like and be done with shopping. Otherwise it is too overwhelming… I think she enjoyed Istanbul and I hope she will visit sometime in the future again. Now she is in Barcelona, improving her Spanish…

With me… This week, I was really full power. I don’t know where it all came from, especially after a sickly week. Last week, when I practiced for the first time on Thursday after recovering, I was feeling so weak. I did the half primary on Thursday and Friday; my legs were all shaky during standing postures… how one can loose so much strength in few days! I guess with not proper nutrition, all the sickness and no practice, it is like this. However, after couple of days, the energy picked up incredibly. I was surprised myself. I guess this showed me few things: 1) being healthy makes a big difference in our lives. 2) When one is weak, the practice is hard. 3) Not be afraid of loosing… The second one was good to realize how beginners feel because until now I honestly forgotten how standing postures can be so tough! The third one was good to realize that we can get sick or not able to practice due to circumstances but it is all okay, it all comes back when we are able to get back to our mat again. Learning…

What else? Well, this week was considerably quite, not many students. Yes, that month of the year is already here: the vacation month! I thing I will not be here next year at this time. I should try to move my traveling to do the summer time! Now, I am just trying to stay present and not to get discouraged. It is tough these days for me; maybe the planets are making though alignments or something, or it is just I having hard time just being, stop criticizing myself. Much to let go… THe good news is that I will go to Lesvos island for a week in August with my sister... that will be a good vacation for me!

Now the plan is castor oil bath tomorrow! I got the oil last weekend from the Spice Bazaar. I read the Kimberly Williams article about the bath… I have no soap nut powder nor green powder, so I hope I will be able to was it off with regular shampoo and soap…

Food Poisoning 2...

I got food poisoning on Sunday, which got me off from my mat and teaching and writing my blog. This is how it happened: I woke up in the middle of the night, feeling nauseas and went “o ohh, is it happening again?” But then weird enough, when I woke up at 5 in the morning, I was feeling well and I did my whole practice with no problem… Then taught my led class all full power; however, during breakfast, I realized I was having difficulty drinking my coffee which I enjoy so much everyday… And after a while, I realized the coffee was sitting up in my stomach with all other stuff and I drank some water but still they were sitting up and then I ended up throwing all up… and began feeling weak, so I carried myself to my bed… After a while, I thought I would get some yogurt and boil some rice and have a simple meal with these. I got the yogurt, boiled the rice, had a bit of that… Yet, they did not stay in the stomach either and at the end, each time I got up from my bed, I was throwing up and I realized that I was having a slight fever… I texted one of my students, who have the key to the shala, that I would not be able to teach in the morning and if she could please open the door for regular students to come and practice and put a note on the door that I am sick… My sleep was very unsettled… I woke up with nausea and headache, and actually could not lift my head from the pillow and then my mom came around noon, she brought some bread and honey so I had simple toasted bread with some honey and tea… but that was also hard to settle in the stomach, I was feeling like something was being squeezed inside all the time… I threw up again and then diarrhea… great combo! Then my mom decided that we should go to the hospital, which is luckily so close by. The doctor at the hospital examined me and made the diagnosis that I had food poisoning. They gave me serum and while that was going in, they ran some blood and stool tests. From the results of these tests, he decided to give me antibiotics. I know many of us do not like taking antibiotics but this time I did not resist at all. The only thing is that, this antibiotic is hard on my stomach also!? I guess it kills whatever is bad and also good inside… I did not go teaching yesterday either, I was still not fully recovered, nauseas and light headed. Today was new moon; therefore, I got a good rest.

Well, I am not sure what got me so sick. But I feel like it was something I ate home more than outside and the suspect is the homemade yogurt. The last one I did, did not settle so well, and also there was power shortage, so figure… Then I guess my too much thinking, worrying mind was a commencer as well… well I am hoping to be learning from all this… This is my second serious food poisoning. The first one was in Pune... then also my mind was confused with what I want to do and what I want not to do...

Now, my friend Jen with whom I met in Goa is here. She arrived last night. It is very nice to have her here, it took my mind form being sick and I am recovering much faster than I would if I were alone. Blessings to the practice and all the wonderful people I meet through the practice.

Gypsy music and some more...

Ohh, I meant to write this earlier… about last Friday. I went out with few friends to listen to Gypsy music and dancing. One of my friends is a scriptwriter and she is working on a TV series about Gypsies, so one of the things she had to do was to listen to Gypsy music, meet the musicians and the dance teacher. She asked us to go along with her and we were all for it since this sounded so interesting. I went to the island to see my parents but came back the same day to go out with them, even I, the unsocial one did such an effort to be there! And I think it was worth it. The music was really good and it was fun to dance to it. The dance teacher was dancing really well, and since Gypsies are originally from India, his dance was very similar to Indian people’s dancing, which I really enjoyed!

This week is going well. I was very energetic and happy in the beginning of the week. My energy is a bit lower now, but the mood is still good. Yes, I am pretty satisfied with the Mysore classes. They picked up, eventually my efforts begin to pay off! I am a bit exhausted… luckily, in mid-August, I will have a bit of a break… so, I need to apply for a visa again… being a Turk is not easy, need a visa to almost everywhere. I think I say this a lot…

On the other hand, my own practice is ok, but needs more power. Power! Maybe the holiday will help.

Impatience is the...

This week has been really hot… it makes a sticky practice… I do not sweat so much since I practice much earlier and alone, so only the heat of one person in the room but while teaching the sun is in the studio, students get really wet with sweat and even I sweat… can be a bit overwhelming but I guess the heat opens the body more… so it is all good.

Middle of the week, I decided to go back to the doctor I have seen couple of months ago about the injury I have inside the knee. Well, figure this out, I was supposed to take the medicine he prescribed to me for a month while I only took it for a week. Misunderstanding is understandable since it was mercury retrograde when I saw him back then. First of all, he told me that these kinds of injuries take 3 to 6 month to recover fully, which is good to know. He examined me again and the only pain is inside my leg over the femur bone. Then, he went over the MRI pictures with me more thoroughly and showed the place where I have the pain, which is the bone, and over it is the inflammation. I asked him whether I was suppose to not do anything when he told me to rest it because I have done yoga and “tried” (sometimes unsuccessfully because of impatience) to not do things that hurt it… He told me to be free to do anything which does not hurt it. He also told me two other options to heal it which are much more extreme solutions than I would go for and he was not suggesting, just informing. One is this medicine with very strong side effects (he would not even tell me the side effects!!!); they give it to you and you stay in the hospital for 3 to 5 days (due to side effects I guess) and then you go out and do your yoga or whatever as if you have had no problem before. The second one is operation; they suck out the inflammation. Well, of course, I am sticking with just anti-inflammatory medicine and being “patient” since this is my karma yoga for the season!

The funny thing is that I began reading “Ka Stories of the Mind and Gods of India” and few pages into it I found myself reading these lines “…impatience is the only sin.” Well I should get the message already… everything in my life pointing towards this. By the way, I have only read few pages from the book but it seems to be fantastic… very excited, so I better go back to it.

By the way, the decision for August is going with sister to Afroz. I will not do the Satori since swimming is not allowed. I think it would be really good/healing for my body and mind and soul to soak in beautiful salty waters of Lesvos island… I will do the 3-day mediation chanting group which should be fun!

I would be...

Rest of the week, my energy was high. Waking up was a bit slowww due to the heat, which do not let one sleep properly… But, after few Surya Namaskars, my energy has expanding and I would be wide-awake. The achy part near the left knee has been better with my own before sleep therapy, which consists of moksha (my sister got them from Dr. Passang while in Pune, they are incense sticks looking like cigars that you hold near where you have aching, swelling, etc.) and maha narayan taila oil on the achy part and massaging each foot with little sesame oil for about 10 minutes. I believe massaging the feet is especially good because they are all connected right? Feet, knees, hips. If one begins to open up, relax, then the others would also benefit from that. This is my strategy. Therefore, with all this, slowly getting better, but then on Friday, I got over excited and attempted to do Marihchyasana B and D properly. With D, after couple of breaths, I decided this was not a good idea yet because the pain was biting. Well, rest of the day it was a bit achy. Patience is the key! I cannot believe myself that I am still not getting this! I would be my worst student! I have to confess I am not as caring with I am with myself as I am with my own students! This is neither good nor smart! I know I know I know! I apologize from myself and I promise to take care! Now, it is good and I am being patient.

With classes, thing are going fine. Consistency is almost there. Still people are going to vacation and coming back but it has been all right.

Then… I am thinking of doing Satori in Afroz. They have one in the beginning of August. My sister and I have been planning to go to Afroz for a week. She will assist her teacher with a 3 day chanting and meditation course and I was thinking I might do that course. However, yesterday I suddenly had the idea that since I want to do a Vipassana course so much, I can do the Satori instead for the time being. I will see what will be the final decision; it all depends on whether we are allowed to swim once in a while during… and of course to the cost.

Heat buzz

Ohh I am so tired today… it is insane. After coming back from teaching, I had my breakfast and I just could not help it, I lay down on my bed and just passed out… I could sleep the whole day probably, but I had to get up and run some errands. I think the heat is getting me... Moreover I am sore all over. I am sore in places I have not been for so long… such as my hamstrings… and then also something is pulling on the right side of my lower back… I feel it most during Halasana… it is weird. I am also sore in quadriceps since I decided to do Laghu Vajrasana number of times like Rolf used to make me do when I was learning it. I feel like I have been slacking a bit and therefore, my knees come off slightly when I am coming up from it. So, I do it exhale come down, inhale come up for several times and then do the 5 breath down and come up… that works your quads! Oh well, I need more energy tough, and not drinking coffee doesn’t help. I think me will begin drinking coffee soon… sorry homeopathy.

Sick morning...

This morning, well around 2:30 AM I was already awake, turning round and round in my bed. Then it was time to get up but I could not because my head was spinning, I was nauseas, so I thought if I sleep one more hour ,maybe I will be ok. One hour later I got up and threw up and had the runs… not so appealing… went back to bed… one hour later I got up, waited few minutes, called S to see if he could let people know that I cannot come, but damn he decided to not come this morning! So, I had to get up and go down to the shala. I let the student know that I was not going to adjust much since I was feeling nauseas… of course, it was not a good idea to go down to teach since I was not able to give good energy to the students… it would be better not to go at all, but I also felt responsible to let them know and there were few new beginners who might have showed up… Anyways… this at least benefits the knee, more rest to it… Now, I am feeling better, a bit tired from not so good sleep but nausea is much less and the diarrhea stopped. I will rest, be lazy, watch TV, read my book, eat boiled rice… and tomorrow, it will be all good.

this morning...

This morning I had a weird practice, weird because of my emergency modification of the sequence. I did the whole standing sequence (modified ardha baddha padotannasana) and then did dandasana, paschimottanasanas, and then jumped to second series (!) but from shalabasana since even pasasana does not feel good on the knee, and krounchasana is a bit iffy, and I did up to supta vajrasana (modifying it) and did not even do my beloved bakasanas since they are also not great on the knee due to bending it and then I did not want to do any leg behind the head ones… I know this is a bit ridiculous… very unorthodox... but I wanted to do nothing that had to do with that area of the knee... so this what came out...

Well, the thing I realized is last week the knee or the area next to the knee (the pain is not on the knee) was much better but then I had this session with this very famous German body therapist named Manfred. Then it got worse again!? Maybe his session did not work on me. So, now I am back to almost beginning… a bit frustrating but still I am learning a lot. I am learning not to mix up stuff too much, just focus and believe it will be alright. No need for more body therapists, more doctors just do what is needed to be done, rest it!

Okey. Wish me good luck, good healing. I hope to be full power soon as Rolf would put it! Yet, even now things are all right, I am very lucky to have this much as well. namaste to all…

Remembering Dr. Passang

On Sunday, we went to the island with my sister for my mom’s birthday, which was on Saturday and also for father’s day. Since Monday was moon day, we stayed over night. It was nice to stay out of the city, and spend time with my family… I baked a chocolate cake for mom which turned out really nice.

But I also cheated this weekend. I practiced Saturday, I did not practice Sunday and then I practiced on Monday in a moon day. Why? Well, I wanted to practice without having to do anything afterwards, such as running to the studio to teach… But I think ashtanga gods punished me for practicing yesterday because my body was all achy today ☺

Anyways… The thing is the knee is still not 100% healed and that is of course because of me. I think I might need to give it a real break like not practicing more than standing sequences for a week… because as soon as there is some improvement, I begin getting excited and trying to do more. However, if I do only standing sequence and maybe go over them twice and not pay attention to the knee at all (so I would not attempt ardha baddha padmottanasana) that might give it a better break. Then I will see what happens after a week. I keep thinking of Doctor Passang. If I were in Pune, he would have already fixed it, I am so sure. He is a great Tibetan doctor/ acupuncturist. I went to him my first time in Pune because my ankle was swollen form jumping around too much and a friend swore on him, telling me that he saved her life so she took me him… Now, me and my sister swear on him, especially my sister. I took my sister to him for the first time after the new years eve that same year, she was kind of paralyzed on her left side due to too much Indian Champaign ☺ But then he also helped her with many other things… He is a great doctor…

So they are back...

So they are back, well most of them… the room is not so empty… I am happy to see especially certain faces…

Ohh yeah, this week had its dramas and incidents…. The last couple of days… yes in that room early morning. Yesterday one of my students fell on her nose while struggling with Buja Pindasana. I felt very responsible. I thought she could lift by herself, so I did not help her. I could have lifted her from the hips, instead, I told her what to do… I thought she was stronger than she is actually, I could have realized that she was not. Nothing serious happened, ice on the nose and then she wanted to continue. At the end of her practice, during shavasana, I did reiki to her. She left happy. I learned a good lesson: it is better to be on the cautious side. I guess this was all coming from thinking that I am not encouraging them to do more. All this other stuff is interfering… what stuff? don’t ask…

Then this morning… another thing. This is more about attitudes. One of them does not totally get the silence, and going within aspect of this practice…. She sometimes stops and begins engaging with what is going on with another who is next to her, or whom I am helping at the moment… so, I suddenly snapped today, I told her to mind her own business. Yes, I can sometimes be abruptly stern, not a great trade, I am aware. Well, later when I tried to help her with something she told me off. I really got red probably at that moment. Then, I had to just go on doing my job and then I sat and listened to myself. What do I feel, what do I want to do with this situation, what do I think? My first thoughts were to tell her that I cannot have her talking in the class, and when she is warned, her telling me off, so if we are going to have ego clashes here, better you do not come to my classes… yes, this was the first reaction of the mind. I kept sitting… and then I got out of the room when everyone finished. She was in shavasana and couple of more people also. When the others left, I went into the room; she was not in shavasana anymore but laying on her side. So, I sat beside her and touched her shoulder, then she said that she got hurt. I told her that she needs to practice to be concentrated in her own practice not to get all airy and get mixed up with others’ practices or whatever is going on around… I told her that she has a good practice, she works really hard to get the asanas she cannot manage and in short time, she manages them… this is all good, but besides the asana, we also need to go within, to not get distracted with everything so easily. I apologized from her for being so hard, and I needed to. Sometimes words come out without thinking and that is what happened, they just came out and of course I am a human too, so I do wrong as well… so I apologized and admitted that I could have told the same thing in much better way.

Being a teacher is the hardest and the most major trainings of all I guess. I realize that I am learning more than I could imagine. I am learning about relations, I am learning about myself, I am learning what happens when I compromise from myself, I am learning how to manage myself and others…

What else? Well I have been to a nutritionist with my mom’s insistence. That is another story. Briefly, I have to eat more protein. And I am doing a big effort now, it helps that she gave me some guidelines. Like Kathy the acupuncturist, she also told me that I need to eat legumes with rice like Indian people, then it is a complete protein source…

Need Backing maybe...

Quiet… Going and then coming back always requires a bit of settling down time for me. Realization of what it could have been like with a good teacher all the time… then coming back and finding half of the students are gone… gone where? Vacation… and then some of them just don’t practice I guess since their TT has finished… well again “?” for me… practice for just TT mentality?
Don’t know, don’t know.

I am trying to read Sutras slowly. I have this book on Yoga Sutras of Patanjali I got for Tias’s training, it is translated and commented by Chip Hartranft. Back then, I was too intimidated to read it other than looking for the references Tias did during the training. Well, actually we really did not read much else than the booklet they gave then. However, to my surprise, this book is not intimidating, it is nicely written, not confusing, not over my head (is this a correct expression?) so I read and then try to implement, and yes not so successful yet ☺ trying to see the distinction between the self and the awareness, trying nonreaction, trying to observe, and still I get swept away… ohh well…

So again the thoughts of India, thoughts of maybe visiting Rolf and Marci in August since it will be even more empty here in that time. no need to struggle with that, and instead doing something that will benefit me... just a thought

A week of London!

I am back from London after a week! It was great to visit this place where my journey of ashtanga practice began! It was great to practice with one of my first ashtanga teachers who had a great influence on my practice, on my commitment to the practice… It was great to drink lots of Monmouth coffee again. And it was great to stay and hang out with a friend with whom I met in Mysore.

I have lots of things to write about… lots of. But probably I will forget some of it with time; therefore, here is a quick one or two words…

Last weekend, we attended Matthew Sweeney workshop for jump troughs. I think I picked up one thing that will help me with strengthening the Moola Bandha. Sunday was self-practice elsewhere in Islington with a very nice lady and then brunch at Food for Thought; it couldn’t be any better! It was so fun to spend time with two ashtangis! all the yoga talk you can do and all the related stuff...

Then came my first day of practicing with Cary again after 2 years…She is so vibrant and so lovely! While It was great to so her again and, I was also so nervous! Kind of feeling responsible to do well since she hadn’t seen me for so long and I wanted her to notice that I have been working on my practice… I felt a bit like I am not as good as I could be; if I kept on with her all this time, I could be much better… and of course my knee injury did not make me feel any better, not doing anything or able to do many things properly… I guess it was a big humbling experience. Maybe it was more valuable than if I could do everything great; it was -yes you are back to the point where you begin and actually you are back to the physical place where you begin too! At least, now, she has seen me dropping back and coming up! Back then, for so many months she helped me with this, but I was too scared and could not do it. On the other hand, she knew I could do it and right after we parted, I did it! Because she worked with me so much on drop backs, I wanted her to see this. At last she has seen… and she is like Sharat, it is great to grab ankles with her… Then, she gave me some great tips for bakasana. I say great tips because obviously what I have been doing did not work since I still did not make much improvement in such a long time of endeavoring. Something has not been working, and I know mostly it is the fear factor. Cary showed me the way to go forward low, instead of jumping high and going down to the knees, which is much more difficult, especially if you are trying going high before you win over your fear of going forward… And now, I am determined! I have to do this, I have to do it and there is no other way; I will try many many times every day with pillows in front of me and I will do this before my birthday! Yes, here I say it, and so it has to be done, no excuses and no frustrations any more, just working on it with a determined and positive mind! See, how Cary is a motivating , encouraging teacher and with great ways to approach things without discouraging… not only a “just do it” approach, but actually giving really helpful tips. That is what is needed from a teacher. To show a way, which is workable for the student, a way where there can be improvements done. Also, she is such a good example of believing in the practice and believing in the power of will... Our mind tries to trick us to a lot of things that are not true; here comes my “maya”, illusion, of not being good enough, not being strong enough, not being this and that enough… Well, of course I need to get stronger, and I need to get better in what I do, but it does not help to think in a discouraging way. I think the way is doing it and realizing the patterns which set us back; therefore, we can change them. I guess this is true in most things not in only trying to achieve a posture…

Then I also I got to meet Oscar! He is a lovely baby. So calm and smiley and responsive to people. He really recognizes the people… For example, as I eneered the door, Cary said “look this is Ahu, an old friend” and he looked at me and then smiled! I found this incredible for a 5 month old! It was also wonderful to see Cary other than practice, and talk with her! Afterwards, I realized that I have grown up in some ways; maybe I was just more comfortable expressing myself…

I know London has been so much about yoga… But it has always been that way. Ohh also I got the third tattoo fixed so now it is really the third tattoo instead of that draft of a tattoo… I got it at the last moment at A Ture Love. In to You was booked of course, I asked them through email way before arriving to London… Anyways, the tattoo is sorted out and much more like what I had in mind in the first place.

Slump and full power...

Yesterday was a slump practice, even though I woke up much earlier than my alarm clock. Usually, if I wake up earlier, it means I am full of energy but yesterday, everything was effort. I thought himm maybe after Tias workshop, I am out of tune… or lost it all… By now, you should know I am a bit black and white person, can suddenly imagine everything is gone… but of course I see that now and kind of smiled to myself and went on and I went on doing it all, Marcihyasana B and D even, after 2 weeks of knee caution. Well, that was maybe a bit too early, I could feel the knee afterwards… I did not stick to my plan of slowly introducing Janu Sirsanas this week, and not half lotus postures yet… Yes, I am bad in that regard. Well, this morning I got up early again, around the same time. I realized I kept having rocking and sliding dreams just like Tias’s workshop. I guess all that rocking and sliding have some meaning, some healing so that I absorbed them so deeply… or my beloved moon in pisces sucked up all the energy in that room in the weekend so this is the after effects… I woke up but this time full power. Yes, the practice was full power, I did Janu sirsasanas; with Marchyasana B and D, I chose to back of… My energy was high and big and so it was effortless practice. But I had to remember that most likely tomorrow will not be like this or maybe it will be… With the knee, I have to be patient, I see myself how I am prone to pushing it. Wait another few days!

I also had some after thoughts… He was telling me about their 500 hour program, since I have done the 200 hour. They have a week-long training right before I go to Boulder. I got excited first but then… I am just really turned off with his “the teacher” mode, the distance he puts, lack of heart… You know Rolf is such a big heart! Makes one feel utterly comfortable, accepted… With him, I feel awkward, I don’t know how to approach, to say something after all that studying I have done with him… looks very uninterested. And I know he is full of great information, great teaching… but that is all the mind… which will die. And I can get the information, I will get the information needed in some way, but I guess not from him for now. Maybe this is too bold to declare, maybe I might need to eat my words later on but I want to say how I feel right now!

Tias one more time!

Tias is here one more time. He arrived on Thursday; I got to meet him today. I did translation during the workshop for people who do not understand English. It is not easy but was not as bad as I thought and at the last bit, one of my teacher friends took over, so I got to practice with everybody else ☺. It was a looonnggg day from 10 AM till 6:30PM. Tomorrow, it is also on but much shorter, from 10AM till 12:30PM only.

Today, Tias did very interesting stuff… less on the asana side but more on the reptile work of his… well more of the unwinding work. It was interesting and it looked like massage to the body and of course after translating all this while the students did it, I got envies… they looked like wow so relaxed… so I had to do it myself during the break! I think, now on, I can do all this instead of getting a massage. All the work was to release shoulders, to release the spine, the sacrum, the psoas… it is very nice work.

Lets see what he will do tomorrow. It will be on the cranium and I remember loving the cranium work during the training while in Santa Fe.

Farewell Guruji

Ten minutes ago, I learned from my friend Odin, who is in Mysore now, that Guruji has passed away. I am very sad but I also have to realize that this is how life is… everything is impermanent and we will all die…
Guruji was still teaching when I went to Mysore for the first time; therefore, I was lucky to have his direct teaching briefly. I thank him as I have done so many times from my heart for teaching this practice to so many people, to our teachers, to us… Love and light to Guruji... farewell...

Poison Ivy Girl

Ha, I have been down and up since Friday… I have been pretty nervous whole week about the knee. Then it was getting better as I said in my previous post… On Friday, I went to pick up the MRI. I took it to the doctor who looked at me two weeks ago. He was just finishing his shift for the day. He just looked at the report and briefly to the pictures and said you have micro tear on your meniscus! I was devastated. I asked if it heals and he said, “No, it does not heal… You can have an operation but I do not think you would be up for it, so you have to make your quads stronger.” I told him that my quads are pretty strong… and tried to describe the strength exercise I have been doing which M told me to do. His response was “you are on your knees when you have knee pain?”. I tried to tell him that I do not do anything that hurts my knee but he was frustrated, and I guess he was tired from the Friday shift and he told me that I will probably tear my meniscus fully if I go on like this :| I began feeling dizzy, faintly. I throw myself out of the emergency and ran to the other hospital which is across the street to make an appointment with the first doctor who examined me and requested the MRI. Then, I ran to do studio for the teachers meeting. S was there also, so I could cry to him and he was “it is okay, I had the same pain too, so I have it too then, what to do, we will continue to practice in a way we can…” It was great to have him there, because he is the only one who could understand me. Otherwise, I would sit there with this heaviness inside me, but having his support made me feel all right. Then I taught my class… After a drink with S and another person who took the class, I got home feeling very sleepy.

In the morning, I went to the hospital, with what will happen next mood… I went into the doctor’s office, he took the MRI pix on his bright board and the first thing that came out of his mouth was “Your meniscus is healthy”! I could not believe what I was hearing because I was just about to tell him, that there is this micro tear… He said that there is inflammation at the tip of the femur. I told him that I was told that there is micro tear in my meniscus, and the report, which came along with the pictures, also says something like that… He told me that he would not call this a meniscus tear, then he looked at the report and read it “there is an impression of micro meniscus tear…” His explanation was that he does meniscus operation; therefore, he knows how it looks really and he sees me and knows my symptoms and my symptoms do not match with a meniscus problem and the lab people only sees the pictures… they do not do operations nor see the patients… He told me that there is inflammation due to some trauma and pointed to the area exactly where I have the pain and he told me that it will heal in 3 to 6 weeks with resting the knee. I was so so so happy and so grateful! I believe he is correct because with one week of taking it very easy with the knee, it began feeling better. When I told him this, he said “so, two more weeks and you will be fine!”

I got out of the hospital on top of the clouds. Yes, I was overly excited, happy… I was so Vata, flying in the air! I know it is no good to go to such extremes. I could have thorn it and then what? I would have to deal with it, I was not going to leave everything. This whole experience taught me so much: I became much more attentive to the students with tight hips; I became much more aware that everything is impermanent and so I should enjoy what I have at the moment rather than longing for more or different; I realized that I have to keep going no matter what, the practice will be possible with or without injuries and will keep teaching me and nourishing me; I do not have to aim for the super duper always, just be happy that I can practice; take care of the body, be nice to the body and feed it well…

Then what happened? Well, David’s homeopathic treatment could go on since the problem seemed to match with his diagnoses and therefore, his treatment of poison ivy was relevant. He wanted to give me a large doze of poison ivy,then I would not have to take it everyday. He told me to pick it up from the studio. I went to the studio on my way to meeting Ken to explore the other side and asked if David left me a medicine. They gave me this small cone which had tiny tiny little pills in it, really tiny like mustard seeds. I thought for a moment, “is this the one I am suppose to take?” Well, the label said rhus tox which is poison ivy… so just like that, I swallowed the whole cone of tiny pills. Later, David called me to ask if I found the pills. Then he called again to ask if there were more of it and I said no. He also asked whether I touched it or not, no I did not…. Then he called me again and asked “Maya, how many you took?” and I told him that one cone. And David “Maya! you took the whole cone? You overdosed, you took so much! That is a huge amount of poison ivy, you were suppose to take only one of those!” He was kind of freaking and at the same time trying to stay calm and telling me that I am healthy and strong, so I should be okay and asked me whether I felt anything weird. I told him I was just feeling my lips a bit numb earlier and as I said this, I realized I was a bit high too ☺… so much poison ivy!!!! Then he called me one more time after I arrived home and he told me that if I feel any side effects, which I had to ask what they might be, to drink coffee, he said “side effects can be anything, if you get too angry, if you get too sleepy and cannot stand it… just go to Starbucks and begin drinking cups of espresso!” I was like “ha, that is why I did it, to have coffee finally!” Well I apologized for my goofiness. I was mostly concerned that I finished all this medicine which he was maybe going to give to other people as well! I guess I only got the sleepiness, the heaviness. Therefore, after teaching the led class, I came home with Flor for breakfast on my balcony and I had the coffee!!! Yeah it was great. But I know I should stay away from it until London. This was just not to be so dozed all they long with the over doze…

Better...

The knee is getting better! I realized last night that the pain was much much less and it was the same in the morning. I still did the modified practice but it made me think that it might be possible to add the janu sirsanas next week! Slowly, slowly….

Today was a Ikea trip with mom. I got a bookcase since I was trying to go along with a small one which did not hold all my books, so some of them has been laying on top of the small book case and in a box…

I also realized that I can be a real bitch sometimes. It is always tough to face such things… well what to do? just realize it and maybe it changes…

Lotus

A student of mine got into lotus today for the first time! She was all glowing when I looked toward her and then she pointed to her legs and quietly said “First time, lotus” I could feel her excitement so well! I got as excited as she was!

Me, on the other hand, doing okey. Continuing with the modified practice. This morning I was really full power as Rolf would put it. But so much in primary now is all modified; still my energy was really high… Well, got to do what you got to do, rite? But the weird thing is my right knee began feeling funny also!? I began thinking that this is all beyond physical. As usual with me, it might boil down to some emotional stuff. Kumar is probably smiling… Still I am worrying. What if I have some joint disease? Okay, after this thought, I just wanna go back to getting excited for my students lotus, which is much more positive.

Full moon weekend

Friday was the MRI after my evening class… But I will not get the results until this Friday… so more waiting. The same evening my friends came over, we had a nice time talking, looking at Mysore style book, drinking some wine… I was able to stay up and be calm to my surprise. The full moon of next day as already making itself felt on Friday, so I was a bit uneasy, a bit scared due to the knee MRI, a bit like “himm I am not sure if I can socialize” but it turned out just fine. We had a nice time and it was better than sitting alone with my anxiety.

Saturday was the full moon. I went to the “Ecological Market”. I was not planning to go there this week but then, Ken the Rolfer just arrived to Istanbul and he asked me if I would want to meet him and his assistant there, and I of course would. I had to wait for them quiet a while tough… because they got lost ☺ lost for an hour… Istanbul can be hard to figure out, even for me, especially if you are trying to find somewhere like ecological market because not so many people know about it, they don’t even know what ecological market is..,. My first time to the market this year, I took a cab to get there because I did not remember where it was since I have been there only once. Of course the cab driver did not know where it was either, but I thought we could figure it out on the way. At one point, he asked me what is ecological market and I said that they sell produce grown without hormones, pesticides etc… and he said “produce with hormones?” he just understood the other way around… I try to briefly explain again. Organic food is a very new phenomenon in Turkey… It is growing more and more of course, but just for the upper and middle class… I guess that is like that in most places.

Well, it was very nice to meet Ken again. He will be in Istanbul for a while. It is always a pleasure to talk to him since he is a well of information. I told him about the knee… He said it might be meniscus :| he gave me some tips about how to modify my practice. After I told him how tight hips most of my students are and that they are having knee problems he was like “ahh you are looking to it from other way around, it is not your knee! “ well, yes, I am like that, I took on other people’s stuff very easily. For instance, last year, one of my students told me that they have pain at the back of their knee whenever they do ashtanga and that was very new to me, I said that I never have that… and of course next day I began having pain at the back of my knee which lasted for couple of months… I am like that…

Sunday was mother’s day lunch with my family. We went to a nice restaurant by the seashore. The weather was beautiful; we sat outside and enjoyed our lunch. Then I got home, I was very sleepy… I am feeling overly sleepy these days. I went to bed at 8PM and slept like a log until 3:45AM this morning… and I was still very sleepy but I managed to get up, practice and teach. I wonder if it is because of the homeopathic medicine David gave me or no coffee due to the medicine which is making me this much sleepy… Luckily, the practice usually wakes me up at some point of the practice. Sometimes it happens much faster, like during sun salutation and sometimes it happens much later, but it happens...

Ohh did I tell that I got the Visa to UK and then the ticket to London was already bought! I am looking forward to this vacation and I am hoping that I will have a healthier, happier knee by that time. Maybe it is too soon to expect this, but I put the intention, send the message to universe and to myself…

Fear of...

I have been on and off this week. Had a disappointing moment regarding some really childish stuff… and got upset for being used as an excuse… Using someone else’s name as an excuse is really not nice, not respectable, especially when what is being said has nothing to do with the reality of the person you are using. But what do I do in such a situation? I got angry and upset and sad but decided not to do anything… I cannot correct other people’s wrong; I can only try to correct my own wrong doings I guess. And this whole thing made me thing that I might be doing something wrong. If some people thing that they can use me like this, then yeah I guess I have been doing something wrong in my relationship with them. Maybe I look too naïve, too soft, or I gave them a right to do all this, they thought I would think alike them… So, I just try not to react, and hopefully response… now it is just quiet.

Other thing is that today, I will get my MRI taken for the left knee. I am a bit nervous. Okey, to be honest, I am really nervous. Well, for the last couple of days I have been only doing standing asanas and my second series asanas, plus some knee strengthening exercises and no lotus... Decision made by me and M on a facebook chat session. He told me to do the knee strengthening exercise before Ustrasana, Laghu Vajrasana and Kapotasana. So, for the first time really, I am not practicing primary and I am not sure this kind of modification is orthodox. On the other hand, David gave me the homeopathy medicine, rhus tox, which is poison ivy, which also means the beginning of "no coffee days" :( but should do at least this much to heal, rite? With all this, the knee is actually feeling better already, but also I am not trying any postures which have been painful for the last couple of weeks, so maybe that is why I thing it is feeling pretty good…

However, the real issue is that I am really scared! Yeah makes sense right? Knee pain signifies fear! So, I am scared of not being able to do my practice… I am scared of having a serious injury… on and on… and all this shows my FEAR which has probably been there much before the knee pain. Yes, honestly, I am very attached to my practice. I know this is no good but knowing is not enough, is it? So now I am living it, I am really experiencing, feeling the fear… and I also see I am trying to work it out, I am trying to soften and realize that this will be a good teacher to me. Teaching me to see what Rolf was telling me that practice is not the whole life, and then, when I was so frustrated with Baksana B, they were telling me this is humbling for me since everything else is easy for me… and now, I am seeing how it is when everything else also not so easy… and understanding the gratitude that I should have for my abilities instead of beating myself up so much for my failures… and I am also realizing that there will be times when practice will not be possible, maybe it will be partial maybe not at all… life’s circumstances will ask you to adapt and then you have to adapt no matter how devoted you are to your practice…

I am also anxious about Guruji… I had little personal contact with him when I went to Mysore first time… that was the last year he was really teaching… I think I have been very fortunate to have his touch, his teaching even if it was for a brief time. I realize that we will all pass away when it is the time, and so I send my prayers and gratefulness to Guruji for teaching to our teachers and to us this practice which helped make some of our lives more meaningful!

Trip planning...

Yey, I purchased my ticket to London! It was reserved until tomorrow… I was going to try to extend the reservation time since I am applying for the visa tomorrow… but Dad stopped by today and he told me to just get the ticket, he said “ the visa will come, you have time, get the ticket, don’t miss it!” so I got it! and it is an award ticket from Turkish airlines, I just had to pay for the taxes. It is kind of half way set, my little vacation. Ohh so excited!
Then, the assistant at the studio just called me for few private classes for a company! My first private! Good luck to me! That might und my trip maybe or a new Mac which I seem to need already ☺

Ohh, also I gave some India pictures to be developed, I will frame them and hang them around! and I gave the Mysore style book to have its beautiful cover to be made to a poster like photo! That will be really nice if they can manage to do a good job. I love that photo of Rolf, the expression on his face is so deep...

Full week, whole week

Yes I have been very quiet this week… Well, my mind was busy with stuff… some stuff related to health… some stuff related to travel…

First, I had the dentist shock and then de-shock… The cap over my root canal which came out in Mysore and replaced by Dr. Kuttapa popped out like a coke bottle cap and so I had to go to my dentist… He made a new one but they wanted to charge me a huge amount of money… it was the cap he made which broke in the first place, it was just a year old maybe… Of course, I was shocked with the amount of the bill and I did not have the required money with me at that moment. After I got home, we called the dentist back to make sure about this price… and contrary to his secretary, he told us that I was not to pay anything!!!! Good thing we rechecked it; otherwise, I would pay a large amount for something that I was not suppose to pay for.

Then my knee… been bothering me, bothering me… David did a homeopathy session but he never gave me the medicine to cure it. Therefore, at the end, I had to give up and go to a regular doctor. I went to a private hospital by my house to see a doc and he wanted MR but that was soo expensive in that hospital, I had to walk out and go to the non-private Emergency hospital across the street to have it done… That was a mad house. I waited for 2 hours, watched the people. Not cheerful environment at all… Then I made friends with the two pairs of daughter-mom… One of the mothers was a reiki master. She gave reiki to my knee and told me some ways to protect myself from negative energy; one way is using rock salt. (I have reiki 2, why am I not using reiki on my knee? Uhh…) Well, then at the end of 2 hours, I got to get examined by the cute young doctor. He did almost the excite same examination the doctor in the private hospital did where I was charged more than ten times for his examination. The cute doctor was much nicer and receptive of my yoga practice. He also wanted a MR, which costs much less, like less than 1/10 of the private hospital… But of course I waited 2 hours and the MR will be done next Friday, not like right at the moment as it would be in the private hospital. This showed me that I need to get a health insurance… The reiki master mom told me that health insurance is not so expensive compare to the bills they charge for one thing in the private hospitals…
Of course this whole experience was something… like a reality check. How I and my family and people around me live compare to all those people I got to watch in those 2 hours seemed totally different. The circumstances, the drive of people seem all different. Really old, sick people in the hospital beds been taken from one place to another… one grandfather being visited by his grandchildren and he was distributing all these cookies and candy to children, even to us… then the man who tried to hit the secretary who would not want to take him for examination because the time for examinations were over, he was late… then the Doctor who examined me called me “my teacher” when he heard I was teaching yoga, and I shyly told him I am also a student.. He said he wants to try yoga. I was so ashamed because his work circumstance compare to mine was totally different, reverse, difficult and the way some patience were treating them, telling them they were being paid salary by their money and they had to serve them and serve them and serve them… and in fact, he mumbled his salary at one moment and yeah it is very minimal. I thought of the doctor in the private hospital… how much more he makes… probably he is more experienced, he probably does operations. This young doctor examined my knee the same way, I hope he is also as good and he also gets to work in a private hospital and earn more accordingly for his skills at one point... Well, with the knee, it hurts, kind of worse, and there is bruising over the knee towards the inside and then same kind of bruise with the right one also appeared. What is going on with my knees? I also think of it as more emotional? Knees symbolizes fear? Fear of what? Ohhh I doonuu… I just know that I want healthy knees…

Then, planning to visit London for a week at the end of May. That has been tricky so far. A friend told me that I can stay with her but then she kind of back down or something like that. She has some traveling coming up and she does not know her excite dates and then it was a bit weird at the end with the communication. Therefore, I was almost giving up the idea of going until I came across a friend from Mysore at facebook chat. He also lives in London. I was telling him I want to visit London but not sure if it will happen and he aid ohh come and stay with me…. I was like “u sure?” It turned out he is sure and he gave me the information I need for Visa application right away and I applied for the Visa that I need to visit almost most countries… Hopefully, it will be all set and I will be in London to see and study with Cary, socialize a bit with other ashtangis, go around the city, have a bit of a vacation to feed myself and to come back and teach full power!

Now, time to decide whether I want to do an Inversions and Back bending workshop with Nicol this afternoon.. I am kind of lazy...

After thoughts

Reflections on a conversation with a friend… It really struck me when P. said something similar to “ they look good maybe but do they feel good inside? Maybe a perfect looking trikonasana but how do they feel inside or do they feel at all?” I hung on to these words and some more for several reasons. One reason was his openness and his natural way, easy going way, even making me relax at the very moment, reminding me why I love yoga in the first place. Another was that he reminded me something I realized while I was in India… When I arrived to India and began practicing I realized that how I was beginning to get obsessed with alignment when I was back at home teaching. I think one reason for this was the reputation of ashtangis for having bad alignment. I was afraid of being judged by others with how I teach and how students look, so I was getting obsessed with alignment in class and also in my own practice… this was a bit silly and again obsessive but I was concerned nevertheless… and then when I got to India, I relaxed and recognized this obsession. And now, I ask, how far one can get looking perfect in a pose? Is there a limit to making it look better and better? Isn’t the actual key feeling comfortable in the pose? I donnu… this is rather a tricky question to answer. For sure, alignment is important and we cannot dismiss the certain rules; however, after some point, we also have to let go, otherwise I might be in Warrior 2 for a whole day or two… the knee, the back leg, the pelvis, the torso, arms… but then enough already just breath….

Well, so how do we feel inside, how does yoga makes us feel or the realization of how we feel while practicing… I guess these are the fundamentals…

Then when P. mentioned “learning in silence” I went aha that is what I could not put into words… I kept saying “there is this magic in Mysore, I don’t know if it is the energy of the shala or the energy of practicing with so many people…” kept on “Practicing with all these people you begin doing things that you were not able to do, you see things and then some how you also start doing them…” Well the short way of saying all this is “Learning in silence”! and when it is put in this way, it is even stronger.

What else… The winter made a come back to Istanbul ☹ It has been rainy, cold, even little snow I saw yesterday… This makes it harder to go out of the house early in the morning, but I suppose these are the last bits of the winter, and the sunshine will come back very soon.

Another's breath and etc...

Another week. So far so good. Students seem full power this week. It makes me happy and tired ☺ in a good way like tired from working not tired from boredom…
My own practice is fine. I realize that the days Flor comes to practice early is kind of blessing for me. I really like the company of another while practicing even if they are at the other corner of the room. Just hearing another breathing… My energy really gets a boost.

I am slowly but consistently reading the Zen mind Beginners Mind. I read one or two chapters everyday and also go over the previous chapter I read each day… I try to really absorb what Suziki was saying. I liked yesterdays chapters, practicing without any aim otherwise we miss the practice, we are always trying to catch up with our aim. HE is talking about the zazen practice but I think it is true for all practices… And I am sitting each day even if it is for 5 or 20 minutes…

With the practice, I feel like something different with jumping up but I feel that
I think this every week… so now I am not getting excited or discouraged, just jumping. But I have to share this about yesterday, before jumping to Bakasana B, I imagined Rolf standing in front of me to catch me as he does, and wowoow I jumped really high and over, it felt like almost! I was giggling afterwards because I really saw that I was scared like Rolf was telling me ☺

the weekend...

I had a very nice Saturday yesterday in spite of it being coffee free day! Yes, the whole week was very heavy energetically and also emotionally… maybe due to mars Uranus conjunction, and Saturn slowing down… well it was tough but I made it, we all made it…

Yesterday I met with the other ashtangi in town. I am very grateful for having him as a friend. Spending time with someone who is also on the same journey, and sharing experiences with him are really priceless. I am also learning a lot from him just by talking. He is very inspiring and true to the practice. I am very happy that he is teaching here in Istanbul also.

Yes, yesterday was coffee free and I slept until 10:10AM!!!! Crazy right! Well, I guess I needed it, the body needed it… I also went to bed early again, and woke up just before 5AM this morning. On Sunday mornings, I do not go to the shala to practice because the vibe outside is not nice, I guess due to Saturday night out goers… I am not in any way against going out at night but the vibe is really different and a bit scary than other 4AM mornings of the week… Therefore, I decided to practice at home on Sunday mornings, and my house needs it anyway, energy wise. My own practice was okey, maybe a bit more power is needed… but it was fine. Then, went to the shala to teach the talk through class…

Today is a very sunny Sunday, and there is a birthday to attend!

Energy shift

I woke up this morning pretty sleepy… But I was not bothered by it because I knew it already, it is the heavy energy of Saturn this week… Got to the shala in the dark and began practicing slowwwlllyyy… But then at one point something happened, something significant and I became full power as Rolf would put it. Yes, I really felt that my energy changed, got lifted up and at the same time, I realized I was feeling pretty good, like no trace of the depressed mood I have been recently… I doonu what happened, what made this difference. But the first thing came to my mind was the pranayama/meditation class of David I attended after my own class... During the day, I also practiced at home the ashtanga pranayama I learned from Rolf and then sat for meditation for a while… so it was double dose of all… maybe that was the key. And I did double dose because In Zen Mind Beginners Mind Suzuki says:

“Actually the best way to relieve your mental suffering is to sit in zazen, even in such a confused state of mind and bad posture. If you have no experience of sitting in this kind of difficult situation you are not a Zen student. No other activity will appease your suffering. In other restless positions you have no power to accept your difficulties, but in the zazen posture which you have acquired by long, hard practice, your mind and body have great power to accept things as they are, whether they are agreeable or disagreeable.
When you feel disagreeable it is better for you to sit. There is no other way to accept your problem and work on it….
When you are sitting in the middle of your problem, which is more real to you: your problem or you yourself? The awareness that you are here, right now is the ultimate fact. This is the point you will realize by zazen practice….”

So, I decided to sit at noon to see what happens. Then at night, when I was sitting with all the other people in class, I kept asking myself what is more real: my so called problems or myself who is sitting here right now? Maybe it worked or my stars shifted in the morning and I became full power with better mood, energetic and joyous :)… and I guess it was pretty noticeable...

Moping is no fun, but it happens...

I am not going to pretend that all is fine with me. I am a bit depressed for the last couple of days… the marks of that is already in my previous post anyways…

What to do, what to do? Lots of things are churning within me…
But at the same time, I am trying to look at all this and stay calm, take it easy, not panic, try to get inspired from my lovely ashtangi friends and my teachers. Trying to keep in mind that they also probably struggled at some points but kept going and believing that their devotion will bring light.
Therefore, I am trying find lightness within… yes, it is a bit heavy inside…

But then, there are things like my friend trimming the dry ends of my hair yesterday which was very nice… I am growing the hair, resisting the temptation to cut it… but with Goan sunshine and ocean, it got beaten up, so a trim was what needed. My friend also told me to put a bit of oil on it everyday… Moreover, when I was over my friends' place, I got to pet this super cute white dog… she was like a cartoon, puffy, very hairy, snow white, thick ears!

Then, I am reading Zen Mind, Beginners Mind. I read half of it some years ago… I guess, at that time, I was not really getting it or able to stay focused, now I enjoy it very much. Reading this book also seems to be helping with the current state of the mind…

Well, this will also pass… I trust…

Self doubt

I am starting to get discouraged about this whole trying to teach here, in this city, at CY. Maybe I am not suppose to say this so openly but this is how I feel in this very moment. I feel like I don’t fit in… there are too many opinions against ashtanga and I donnu what to say about it all…

Yesterday, I was feeling quiet down anyways… I felt that I am missing India a lot, and I began thinking to go back before October. To be honest, my goal is not being a popular yoga teacher or something. I am only looking for yoga and the teaching is by product of it… otherwise, it is presumptuous maybe. I do not like attitudes of I know it all anyways… I am a student in the very first place… and I love what I do, I love what I am studying and then I try to share it with all the love I have. But it seems like maybe it is not working… maybe love is not the way to approach yoga here…
Well, self doubt is knocking on the door just like my astrology prediction described… maybe I have to keep going, not give up so quickly, just believe in what I do, just watch it all and not get involved so emotionally…
let me be strong universe! then maybe I get B.B. as well...

Full Moon Power

Happy full moon! I feel like this full moon is full of energy, which makes us see our potential… I taught two classes yesterday, one was the regular morning Mysore class and then I had a regular class during noontime. My own practice in the morning felt “full power” as Rolf would put it. There was nothing extraordinary happened, like me jumping into Bakasana B or handstand but it was a quiet stable, grounded practice…
Then, in the afternoon, I had a massage, which I booked in the beginning of the week. I really needed one… it was very nice.
But the real story….
At night, as I was being full moon wild, not going to bed at 8PM. In the mids of this wildness, I got a call from someone who came to my class during noon. She called me to share her experience during and after the class. First, I got it totally wrong because when she said the practice was strong I thought “shoot, I screwed up and did a too strong class for B2 level…” But then I realized that she meant it was strong in a sense that it was healing and opening and clearing for her… She is someone who had been doing ashtanga on and off for a long time but because of some injury she stopped and she only sometimes practices… And yesterday, she even did a backbend, which I was not expecting because her injury was on her back. She also mentioned this, how she was scared of backbends but yesterday she did it and realized she is strong enough to do it and she can actually open up and do it! Of course during this whole conversation I was nervous, and excited and surprised… She told me that I have peaceful energy and she is happy that I teach ashtanga here and that I should keep on and that she is excited for me that I am going to R.F. training and finally she said please don’t go away to India… Well… after this talk I was shaken up a bit… and then again, one more time I felt the power of this practice. The way it touches people… I mean, of course, it was not me who made her have that experience, the healing, detoxifying, empowering practice… She decided to come to class; she came and she flowed with her breath, then she got the courage to do a backbend and realized that she can do it. In a way, the practice transformed her energy. She let the practice work on her.

I believe that the grounding power of this practice is very strong. It makes one to go on, makes one to hold on and be strong. At least, for me, one the most powerful aspect of this practice has been this. But this is not the only one, it also shows us how we have all these limitations in our minds about what we can and cannot do. We actually have no idea of what we are capable of doing, we judge ourselves too harshly sometimes. I know that this is the case for me… It was the case when I was trying to do my backdrops, I was so scared and thought I can not do them at all… Indeed, before coming drop backs, when I saw Marichyasana B not even D, I was like hahah you think that knee will come down and then I will bind?!… and then the first time, I bind to lotus, it was maybe for a breath but I was so excited and surprised… And now I have been trying and struggling with Bakasana B and jumping into handstands with two legs… My initial response was ohh it will never happen, ohh I am not strong enough, ohh I do not know how to jump up… and on and on… and I was so frustrated so discouraged with myself and I was feeling so weak which made me judge myself so much. I felt like a looser, and even quitting practice passed my mind when I was in Goa struggling with all this. The practice was already more emotional than physical… First month I told Marci I won’t try handstands anymore because I cannot do them, something happened that I cannot even kick to the wall for handstands… because I was so nervous, I was afraid that I could not do it, and of course I could not. But then a month later I asked for help from Marci for Bakasana B and then yes I had to begin practicing jumping into handstands with two feet again. She told me to not judge myself and just play with it like kids do. She said just try everyday and be playful about it like we would do when we were kids and she said that at some point, you will be so tired of not being able to do it that you will do it… I am still waiting for that moment. Some mornings, I ask myself “aren’t you tired of not being able to do it? just do it and get over with it…” so then I jump harder with more commitment… I also remind myself I keep practicing and when my body and my mind, shortly myself is ready, it will happen. And so just like that, last night, I dreamed that I did it, and the funny think it just happened, there was no such huge physical effort to it, it happened very lightly, smoothly. This is my third such dream! Maybe it means I am getting closer and closer. They say that if you can dream it, you will do it! I feel like this is all full moon power, showing me and many others like me that there is more to what we can do it.

In fact, all this is not limited to asana practice. I see now that we usually have no idea of the extent of our effect on other people. I had no clue that yesterday’s class could touch someone like it did, but also I think she had no clue how she touched me either. Yesterday during the day, many hours before this talk, for several times, I taught to myself that how lucky I am to have someone like her, who can actually be my teacher, coming to my classes. I kept thinking that she is such an example of humility and grace and that I should learn from her. I guess I was right because she showed me more than I was aware of.

Then, I guess, there are ones who overestimates themselves but that is another story which I cannot elaborate on…

Don't care anymore...

Yey, I don't care much anymore about this trademark stuff... well, if I can, I will object the process because I think we should be free to say we teach Ashtanga Yoga, Hatha Yoga, whatever Yoga but now I also believe that they cannot really prevent us and yes there will be the threat of a large some of fine if they want to enforce this right which they might own... well, I guess universe will take care.. whatever is suppose to happen will happen.

By the way this change of daylight saving time change really knocked me out... I feel tired... that biological clock does not adjust so fast.

I just bought beautiful flowers, my first flowers for my new place!

And yes, my left knee is still not good. Have to do some serious taking care of... I have been going to Yin Yoga classes once a week to open the hips more, but I guess once a week is not enough... well I do some hip openers before practice as well... and also Maha Narayan Taila oil is not working much either... himmm I cannot remember how it happened? it began in Mysore.... need to back of more seriously I guess.

Patent what????

Yes, I am freaking out!!! A friend told me that someone is trying to patent the names Hatha Yoga and Ashtanga Yoga in Turkey! That is B.S. and big time with capitals! Who can think that they have such a right?!!! And I Google searched for this person’s name and it is a GYM in Ankara!!! They don’t even have Yoga classes! Even if they did, it does not matter! How can they do such a thing! I still cannot believe! I am so frustrated, fired up at this point! And you might ask how this friend knew about this… Well that is another thing because he is trying to patent the names Power Yoga and also I think Vinyasa Yoga… and we see how things get distorted in some places… oohh there is some yoga began happening in Turkey finally and happily but, there has to be a but unfortunately, suddenly all these people see the right to own it for themselves and without forgetting to try inhibit it for others! To those out there who do not realize it That is NOT Yogic at all! Moreover, “you might be a true yogi but sorry this is real life” crap does not cut it for me either. First of all, I am not true anything, I do not even imagine to being close to a yogi… and second of all even Pattabhi Jois did not patent Ashtanga Yoga, he says yoga is for everyone,he says "it is universal, not one man's property", so who are they to patent it!... I wish an end to this foolishness!

I even called Yoga Sala, the other school where they also teach Ashtanga Yoga. So, hopefully, we will be able to prevent such thing! The owner of YS will do some research… and he guesses if we object, then they cannot get the patent! Please cross all the fingers for us!

Writing for clarity...

Time to write… Time to write to be clearer. As I write things usually became clearer, and they either dissolve or they become more solid.

By the way, happy moon day! Yeah very much needed moon day! Yesterday, I was pretty dizzy in the beginning of my practice, a bit heavy, felt like new moon, lazy energy. In the days I feel sluggish, after I begin the sitting positions, I usually recover from the dizziness and low energy… but standing postures makes me feel like uhum what am I doing? Well, still I was feeling a bit tired after practice while teaching and I had to teach another class after the Mysore class… which in fact helped me lift my energy. Surprisinging for myself, I was clear and precise … as oppose to being all over the place which can be expected during those low energy, low motivation days. Expect the unexpected, always? Well, actually the day turned out to be a full on day. After my class, I saw David who came from the hospital. They had a baby boy! He asked me if I wanted to go back to the hospital with him to see the baby and Zeynep and of course I could not say no since I wanted to very much! Yes, the baby is beautiful, and pretty grown up! We say Masallah in Turkey.

Afterwards, in the evening, there was a talk by Godfrey Deveruex on Patanjali’s Yoga Sutras. He is a very smart and has interesting interpretations… At the end of his talk, I thought that they all give the same message, tell the same thing, “Everything is perfect, you are perfect, we are perfect, just relax and realize this fact…” Yes, Osho also always tells this… To be honest, Osho is the one who touches me the most with his speech. Anyways… so it was a night of getting together and listening to a Yoga master. I got terribly sleepy because of the heaviness I felt all day, not really because of waking up early, because I have late Friday nights usually and I feel okey. It is the new moon laziness, I am telling. And this morning my left eye feels like swollen, or a bit closed. I donnu why but the first thing came to my mind was feminine issues are crying out, maybe need for love which I do not acknowledge. Well love is all around us, we only need to recognize it, so I need to recognize! I really liked the way Godfrey explained how intimacy is in the nature; for example, the oxygen which penetrates to our cells all day long, how intimate that is…

What else… yes, travel plans already! I know I am an ambitious one when it comes to making travel plans for my studying… I guess we, ashtangis, are all a bit like that. I was thinking what if I go to India directly after the Colorado trip. Can I get an Indian Visa when I am there? I looked up, it seems like I can apply through mail in the States. Therefore, during the training, I can just send my passport and get it back until the training ends… and then fly to India straight from the States instead of getting back to Turkey and then flying to India. This also might mean that I can rent my apartment for a straight out period beginning from the time I leave for Colorado. Is this good thinking or too ambitious? I think it can be considered.

Lets not forget New Moon wishes!
Happy resting and happy practices tomorrow!

Want to write...

Yes, yes I want to write… I want write but I hate to be complaining or kind of wining when I am writing. Ohh god but now there is this Elvis song playing in the radio and even complaining seems fun, I think the songs name is Viva Las Vegas… such fun song... I should get up and dance, wait a second, I am … ohh well the song ended as soon as I got up but I danced to the next one. The best cure for my achy shoulders is dancing meditation.. so then Kundalani meditation should be what I do but these days I am a bit tired so I do more sitting ones… Last nite, I went to David’s pranayama and meditation class for the second. I really like them. We do simple pranayama in the first half, counted ujjayyi and nadi shodhana, and then we sit for the last part of the class. Yes, I like it, and I like living so close to the shala so now I can go whenever and attend some classes ☺ Also Godfrey Devereux just began his workshops, he will be here for about a week. I will attend the one which is tomorrow afternoon! Lets see how I like him. He is the primary teacher of Zeynep and David.

Okay, what is the problem? Yes, I can still not do bakasana B and jump into handstand with two feet. Well achy shoulders are the result of my attempts, ohh also I woke up with my left wrist really achy this morning, I should be careful… But these are not issues anymore, at all… it is something else, I have been writing about it but I am not sure if I should post it… so I keep it to myself.

Full moon day, some good news, some vrittis...

Couple of my friends got authorization from Sharat! I had to mention this before I dwell on other things. I am utterly happy and excited for them. Super exciting!!!

Well what else… uhummm, I find myself panicking again this morning about Bakasana B (!?) as I write these lines I realize how weird it sounds to panic about this… It is full moon today so no practice; on the other hand, I am so anxious to try Bakasana B as I read tips&advices and watch videos on the internet. I am resisting the urge because I believe my wrists need the rest; they have been kind of achy from trying to jump into B.B. zillions of times everyday. As I panic, I also realize that there is no need to panic, this is part of my work now, trying to learn jumping into this asana, making use of everything I have learned during these past 5 months and teaching it to myself.

Good luck to me and let me have serene mind and heart as I work on it!
Let me be fearless, let me be compassionate, let me be tranquil, let me be as light as a feather, let me be innocent as a child…

Happy full moon to all!

Strength within and within...

Back to the real life… I began teaching last Sunday with a led class. My friend’s teacher trainees are coming to my classes and they are lovely. They are very eager to learn, to practice… They really immerse themselves. I am really enjoying teaching them and I really enjoy the full room. Also, living close to the shala is so convenient. I wake up just before 4 o’clock; I go to the shala to do my own practice before they start dropping in one by one around 7 AM. My practice is too long, so I do my finishing postures after I finish teaching, which is not so illogical, kind of logical. Still, I had to cut it a bit shorter for the last few days, I skipped last few postures of the primary, so I could go on and work on the problematic second series postures of mine, especially the famous Bakasana B! By the way, since I came back, handstands are not frustrating and scary, I can at least again kick with one foot up the wall which became impossible when I was in Goa (all mind issues). Moreover, now I found this new thing: from handstands I bend the knees and begin drawing my knees to my chest, trying to balance, kind of coming to Bakasana B, trying to get the feeling… not bad ha! Starting to get innovative, I guess I can say that I am doing some work.
Besides Mysore classes, I also teach beginners and intermediate led ashtanga classes 3 times a week. Those are nice to have as well, especially beginner’s class, so I can introduce new students to Mysore classes through it…

But of course I have some issues… the one I have to deal with now is making myself clear, believing in myself, in my own opinions, not constantly compromising, and having integrity towards myself... It is obvious, very obvious that I let myself led by others way too much, more than I am actually comfortable with. It is again the strength issue like the one I have with my handstands, Bakasana B. I have to learn to say no. This has been an issue since last year and actually the year before. It is not with everyone of course, it is with certain characters… first it was my sister, still she is some of the times too much, then now with another friend. It is for sure with people I really love, I care about; therefore, it is much more difficult to be definite with what I want. Well, I can also be strong and controlling. It seems like I swing between the two ends of pendulum. Ohh life let me grow and shine with strength, truth, honesty and big heart.

Back Home

It has been over a week since I came back home. I and my sister came with the same plane. We met at the Mumbai airport. Of course I got to Mumbai much earlier than my sister who was coming from Pune with a taxi. I came with the latest plane form Goa which was at 7PM. Therefore, I was in Mumbai at 8PM. Unfortunately, I decided to go to the international section of the airport right away after lending, and I was almost going to end up in the street. Due to security reasons they were not letting people in before 3 hours prior to the flights and my flight was at 5 am next morning!!! But I looked at the security guy with big eyes and told him that I came with the latest plane form Goa for my flight which is next morning at 5AM, and so he let me in. Of course I had to wait a long while until check in. So, under a roof at least, I put my bags on a trolley and sat at front corner of the trolley and waited until 2 AM. After check in, I realized that Mumbai airport has been renovated, not yet totally finished but much nicer. Then my sister joined me around 3 AM. It was lovely to see her after 5 months. We both talked a lot about our separate adventures… And the Turkish airlines plane was new this time, for the first time in 3 years! They usually give the oldest planes that are falling a part (at least inside) and stinky… But this one very new with individual screens for each seat, etc….

So, just like that a week past by. It is cold here in Istanbul. It was snowing this morning.. Was really cold yesterday.. And I am trying to move into my new house! It is all very exciting. Practice is fine. I have been practicing in my sisters living room at 5:30-6AM with her cats watching me… Bakasana B still sucks. I try to jump up to hand stands with two feet together, but with much joyfully and going up with one feet kicking began to be easy again just like before…I think with my attitude easing, things getting easier and some day I will do whatever I am working on, no worries.

Regarding teaching, I will begin this Sunday, March 1st, at Cihangir Yoga. Hopefully, Mysore program will blossom! Well, immm, there is also a very exciting news about a Teacher Training I applied for. I got the news today, I got accepted to this amazing ashtanga teachers’ 1 month long Teachers Intensive. I am so excited. I am so blessed, - a note for myself: never forget that Maya!

I hope to stay calm, positive, and full power (as Rolf told me when he was saying goodbye to me)!!!

Reflections almost

The time I spent here with Rolf and Marci has been very good for me. When I first came from Mysore, I was in a different state of mind, more scattered, easily distracted… During these last three months, I became more, much more concentrated and insightful. I went through despair to laughing about the challenge I have in my practice, which has been the most valuable lesson. At this point, I enjoy the fact that I cannot jump up to hand stand, jump to Bakasana B… yes it is fun, I cannot do it, so lets work on it and be joyous about it, play with it, not get frustrated with it and it is getting better with this attitude. So, working hard with a light attitude that I have learned… I am also learning to see the good things about my practice, not only the “what I cannot do” but also so many that I Can do… It is a challenge not to loose perspective in this practice but having a good teacher at these moments makes a difference… Their easiness about our challenges, reminding us the patience and lightness that is required to accomplish and move forward…

Now, I am in my room spending one of the last three nights that are left in Goa. There are tears in my eyes… I cannot help. Ohh me so foolish thinking when I saw those who left before me crying “such drama... I will stay away from tears when leaving…” and I am already in tears here in my little room. Well, why three days early you would ask… because Rolf is leaving tomorrow afternoon for Singapore to do a workshop, he will not be here during my last two days… so already it is time to say goodbye to him. Yes, he is a person just like Osho describes, very innocent, child like… very simple person, very straightforward, very open heart, very gentle heart…. He is the best teacher in the world, and when I say that I do not mean that he is just the best asana teacher, I mean that he is the best teacher from whom you see how to be in this world. Is there any more valuable lesson one can have?

I am thankful to the universe for having this opportunity to be here with my teacher. I hope that one day I can be such a being as well who has light and love for herself and therefore, can bring light and love to other people… And I want to thank both Rolf and Marci for teaching us, for sharing their knowledge with us and bringing such a nice group of people together. I find the practice in Goa with Rolf and Marci priceless… thanks a lot!

Dreams, thoughts of going home, friends...

Less than a month left for home… I guess… I am not sure. As the time for going home gets closer, all these things that I have not think about, but things that make me anxious, began to pop up in my mind again… These are mostly things concerning teaching, etc… I want to teach if there is demand for my teaching, for ashtanga Vinyasa yoga; otherwise, I do not claim anything. I want to teach in exchange for something and I want to teach to people who want to learn ashtanga yoga, so to people who can commit at least 3 mornings a week. I am manifesting my desire and I guess the rest is up to the universe.

What else? Ihimmm It is still nice here. Irena and Marco got married last Friday in a Hindi temple. It was lovely! Also Arne, Mau and Barbara came all the way for the wedding! I kept saying “if I ever get married, I want it to be like this with a nice ceremony, with great friends and Rolf and Marci, just like a family”. My camera broke but I got photos from all these people who were taking photos. Towards the end of the ceremony, I realized how much my life changed, how magical this is all. 3-4 years back, I could not imagine being in India, being with all these people who entered my life recently and became like family, sharing these precious moments… Some getting married, others getting engaged, another getting pregnant (!) … Life works in wondrous ways. Ahh, so now I realize how insignificant all those things that occupies my mind and causes me to loose sleep ☺

Tomorrow we are back to 6 AM practice from 5AM! I am still working on jumping and trying to keep a light attitude. It will happen some time. Ohh and there will be pranayama class on Saturday! At last I will learn, I have been waiting for a Pranayama class since last year, they were happing always when I was away, I guess it is time for me to learn now!

I had also been having Yoga-Rolf dreams over the weekend; one on Friday night, one on Saturday morning. In the first one, at the end of my practice he was telling me to do pranayama. He told me to do the first 3 and then he was explaining the first one which I cannot really remember now. In the second dream, he was helping me with Kapotasana and he had me put my knees very close to one another, almost together and then he was telling me to lift more from the upper back and also from lower back… I am waiting for Basakana B dream, maybe I can learn in my dream ☺

Candolim, practice...

I moved to Candolim on Saturday. Now I have my own little room with its kitchen, all I need is in this little studio apartment! It is by the beach, 2 min to the shala and 5 min to the beach. I have a old French couple as neighbors until the 12th of this month. They say they have been coming to this place for many years but maybe next time it is time to go somewhere else since Goa got so populated with tourists, the roads and the beaches are full, the pollution has been increasing, not the same simple Goa… For me, it was such a difference Monday morning to go to the practice without making the cold drive. My body was warm, I did not even need socks whereas before every morning after the drive I would be rubbing my body to warm up and it would take an effort to get off my socks and my pullover…. Therefore, I am quite happy with my move. I can also be at the beach for the sunsets…

What else, oohhh Seyfi from London came! I was so happy when I saw him yesterday morning! We used to practice together at the Yoga Place in London; we became friends through the practice… Yes, he was one of those very nice people I used to practice with. Well, I am lucky to meet him again. Yoga Place has a really nice Mysore group. It had when I was there and I guess it is still does because I met Nigel, who also practices in YP, here, not when I was in London (he was not coming to practice when I was there) and he turned out to be a great person as well… So I keep missing YP, and of course it has a special meaning for me, it is the place where I got deep into Ashtanga, it is the place where I felt that yoga is the thing that I enjoy the most in my life, it is place where I decided to change my plans, leave everything behind and pick up and come to India...

So, a new week begin, this is my last month… I might add one more week to practice here or I might go to Pune for my last week in India… I was thinking no Pune this year but I guess I am missing the ashram, I missing the meditations, the gardens, the Buddha grove… I will see what I decide. You never know in India, plans change very quickly, unexpectedly. On the other hand, I am working on my practice and even harder than before, I added double chaturangas to my sun salutations, which Rolf has been suggesting since last April to get me stronger and now I do them finally. Still I am stuck where I am, at the same point Bakasana B, and I have to realize (knowing is not enough ☺) that it is okey; I am doing my work: double chaturangas and also working on jumping into handstands with Marci, so the rest will happen when it is time! I came so far in such a short time and I can be stuck, there is no goal, there is nothing to be achieved, only freedom, lets not make one more obsession… just work on it and then leave it, just have fun and then move into the daily life, just look at it as a blessing which is giving me the right perspective about the practice and myself and others.

What is going in Goa...

In Goa, I seem to neglect writing much more than usual… all the distractions such as beach, good food, meeting with friends…

So, where were we? Ohh I am still and yes, still working on Bakasana B. Now I accept the fact that I am stuck and it is all right. With handstands, I am taking a break, although, today Rolf asked me “Maya, are you finished? No handstands? Tired? I am also tired today…” Actually, yes, I was tired this morning more than usual and I am still tired… I donnu if it is waking up so early to began practice at 5AM or if it is that I am not taking care of myself properly... Last night, I went to bed at 8PM; still, this morning I was tired and dizzy… It is also a bit cold at 5AM, so it is taking time to warm up and stay warm. Also, my back is not feeling well, I have some pain, mainly on my left side. I will see the acupuncturist lady on Friday. I think she will be able to help.

Anyhow… I am fine with being stuck at Bakasana B, but that does not mean I am giving up. I will get it at some point. I know it is mostly fear… need to work it through and will… it might take some time, which is okey. It is like backdrops; I was so scared when I first began practicing them couple of years ago that I would go almost all the way down but just before dropping I would come up… but now I do them all right…

What else… The Ayurveda course with Gangotri… It is going very well. She is a very good teacher, a great source of information. We are enjoying it a lot. She just finished talking about Vata yesterday. I guess I am Vata dominant. Lets see what the others are like, then, I think I will have a better idea. She will also talk about life style we should follow. She has already been giving good tips such as need for waking up before sunrise because with the sunrise our manupura chakra begins working, and it starts turning the toxins in our body; therefore, we need to get up before sunrise and clean our body…

Friends...

Today two of my great friends from last year arrived, Irena and Marco. I was so lightened up when I saw them during practice early morning. After practice, we met at German Bakery. It was great to reconnect… To tell the truth, I realized how much I miss people from last December… After Nigel left, I felt a bit lonely, a bit disconnected… But now that Irena and Marco came, I felt lively again and then I realized that the connection between the people I met last December is going a long way… Yes, I was lucky to meet all these friends, very lucky.

We decided to do a drop-in to Ganga’s Pranamaya & Patanjali’s Yoga Sutra’s class. It was actually very good. I really enjoy listening to Ganga, he is a very natural teacher, speaker… I kind of begin thinking about going to their ashram up at North. Now I will take his sister’s Ayurveda course, which will begin in few days. I think I will benefit a lot from her course for my health…

Got a complain?

I need someone who can also listen to me bitching and moaning about stuff… and then just cheer me up with the silliness of my trivial misery. That would be a friend but I mean a real friend. I am now having tough time with my practice because I am stuck with where I am… it has been a year and I am stuck and I am impatient, and yes you can call me a bitch, you can think I am no fun… I am probably all of that… but this is how I feel, and this is what I go through… I am not hiding it, I am living it and I am trying to deal with it… but it is pretty out there, sometimes on my face, sometimes in my words.

You might wonder why so much thinking about the practice? Well, it is the mind… I was listening Osho this morning and he was explaining how we destroy things for ourselves… he was particularly talking about meditation. To paraphrase him: “In the beginning there are sudden glimpses but once you know certain experiences, these glimpses of meditation disappear… for the first time, it happened because you were not expecting; for the first time you had the glimpses, you were innocent, child like. But after the first time, the mind begins calculating searching for the same experience… the mind is bringing misery and if you insist that you must have the same experience again, you will loose it forever, unless you forget it completely that somewhere in the past it happened. For the possibility to open, you need to forget. This is madness, you destroy everything, what comes to your hands you destroy. Life gives you many gifts… life does not give you anything less… but you destroy it… if meditation happens to you, just be grateful, and forget it. It has been a gift, you do not have the capacity to have it, it has been a gift, an overflowing of the divine. Don’t expect it, don’t demand, it will come next day again, it will grow, it will get deeper, it will be infinite. But your mind has to be dropped, your mind is madness…”

Well, it is similar with the practice also. In the beginning, I had no expectations, I was just doing for the joy of it… some postures would seem crazy, I would say "no way I can do this!" and laugh about it, but I would try for that day and then the coming and so on and then few weeks later I would see them coming, happening and I would be so surprised, happily surprised. However, now I am expecting myself to achieve this and that and move forward… I want the beginners mind back! I want to forget those crazy poses I cannot do now has to be achieved… Now, I know they can be achieved, I keep putting pressure on myself and then getting disappointed… the misery creating mind, got a drop it!

Practice, Ink and all

My fourth week ended… Today is a full moon day so no practice. Nigel is leaving this morning. Last night we all, yes we all, including Rolf and Marci, went to Bean me Up to have good food! What else, ohh by the way just before the dinner, I got inked!!! ☺ Yeah something I thought I would never do in India… but I met this couple, and had a very good feeling from them… so I got my last tattoo. It is again with flowers, cherry blossoms… My housemate Kate came with me, which was very nice, it is always good to have a friend with you when you are getting inked… Now, it has to heal quickly, very quickly until Monday (little ambitious there ☺) NO beach for a while. If I had my camera working I would take a photo of my new ink for your eyse but my camera has not been working since I got to Goa…

On the other hand, practice this week was fine, but handstands are still giving me grief and Bakasana B is still not there… But still, Rolf told me that next Monday I can continue up till where I was last April, which is Eka Pada Sirsana . When he told me that I said “ But Bakasana B is still not coming”, he replied “Bakasana A is much better, you have been working hard, and we will continue work on Bakasana B.”

With the housing situation… I found a place in Candolim, which is 3 min. to the shala, 5 min. to the beach, starting from January 3rd. It is kind of perfect wince I could not just walk out from the house that I am living in, it will be nice to find someone to take my room before I move… by the way, I am enjoying my roommates a lot as time passes but still I will love to be by the beach and not driving before practice and when my sister comes to visit I will already have the kind of place I wanted to get for us when she comes to visit me.

By the way, my housemate Kate also designs yoga clothes and the other night we had her show the stock she has with her and I went a bit crazy and bought 4 tops from her! I have been eying the tops she wears for practice, I really liked them. So now I have too many yoga tops, and I have no regrets since they are made from nice material and very original designs!!!

Today, I am planning to spent most of the day at home to not get dust and dirt to my tattoo… But tonight there is a concert at Purple Valley and most of us will go for it. Next Monday, Ganga’s course will begin, still I am not sure about taking or not taking it…

Vrittis

It has been already 3 weeks since I came to Goa. Practice with Rolf and Marci is intense, very good… I feel like there is so much more to do, to learn… and I am lucky to be here…
I am staying in Arpora with 3 other yoga students… It is a nice house but as the winter comes, the ride to practice in the mornings are freezing us. And of course, also the shala is a bit chilly because it is open air rooftop. This morning I did many many sun salutations to warm up after the freezing drive. And then, by the end of the practice, I kept beating myself up because I feel like I am not making progress, still cannot jump into bakasana b and then hand stands are a disaster… I was pretty upset with myself this morning but this is not the way to go, is it? I do what I can do and then I have to let go… let go ... let go… I think the most important lesson for me to learn is letting go… Actually, the practice was good, why I cannot see this and be content… the mind keeps comparing and that is one of the most dangerous poisons… I see it clearly…
And then I am thinking, desiring to move to Candolim where the shala is. I want to be by the beach and be able to walk to the shala instead of driving… I hope to find a peaceful solution and this occupies my mind a lot these days. Wish me good luck.