Wednesday is the beginning of a new journey maybe!?

I think with the last asana being assigned to my primary series practice I had a confidence boost with my backdrops. Maybe they will come along soon…
Sunday, I did this mini cleanse, only had two little boiled apples and boiled broccoli. I know some people eat nothing, they do a proper fast but I think I am in no shape to that, especially with my coffee addiction. I did self practice at home and then tried the survive the whole day with a headache and a squeezing stomach… I realized how much I consume in a day so that I have much more energy! I thought I would be pretty okay with broccoli and apple; maybe if I had coffee also… but then it would not serve the purpose… Well, I survived the morning practice at the studio this morning, little dizzy and weaker… My teacher came to my place for lunch. So, I will begin helping her with adjustments this Wednesday. The plan is I helping her every Wednesday from 6:30 am till 7:30 am when it is the busiest; then I will do my own practice. My only concern is people freaking out because my teacher forgot to announce that I will be helping her last Friday before the talk through… Maybe it is time to get out of my shell and just be…

Complete primary

Monday we, all the yogis form morning self practice, went for a picnic at London Fields, using the opportunity to be able to hang out late because of Moon day on Tuesday. It was very nice, everyone brought a dish and so we had plenty of food and good conversation. Tuesday was a new moon which is always good to start a new project etc… I just want to begin writing my dissertation and be done with it on time. Besides all this pleasent times in daily life, I still cannot be completely free of taking things personally. At the moment, I am hurt/angry and feeling deceived by someone… but this is how life and people are… I should be toughing up at this stage and be able to ignore frustrating stuff…
The good news about my practice is that my teacher added the last asana, setu bandhasana, to my practice! Yes, so complete primary serious. Time to get those back drops without any help. Well, there is no rush, it will happen when I am ready. But then I cannot do without thinking how they will probably stop me in the middle of primary at Mysore... Other than all this, it is really hot and humid in London so very sweaty practice we are having.

Dreams, inner voice and all...

After a brief break, my ashtanga dreams seem to be making a come back. This morning I had this dream in which there was this guy from high school whom I did not enjoy much by then. I will not go into details about why I did not like him because they seem irrelevant now but the thing is in my dream he was asking me that he wants to meet/know a Guru, and I told him to check out ayri website and read about Guruji, hoping that he might want to follow ashtanga path. This dream seemed weird at first but then it made so much sense. I guess it was telling me to stop being judgmental of people and underestimate them and maybe, to introduce them to ashtanga practice which is changing my life for the better.
Another thing, which has been an eye opener for me today, was re-listening to the Astrological reading I had from this lady at the end of last year. In the tape she sent me, she is telling me that I need to bring spirituality into my daily life to be whole within myself. She stresses that the key is having it daily and that my self-identity is based on this. I just realized that I found what she is talking about, my daily ashtanga practice, and also I realized why I am so obsessed about it because, as she says, it is the key to my self-identity and the spiritual flavor I need in my life... Moreover, she is telling me to trust my intuitive mind, my inner voice. I guess I can listen to her and have no doubt about my decision to spend three months in Mysore after I am done with this program in September. I just have this feeling that going to Mysore will, in some way, lead me to where I need to be, what I need to be doing next… I know it sounds crazy or too wishful but I have been having this feeling so strongly for so long, I cannot ignore it.
Anyways, this morning I did Sunday practice at home again (now London home) but I terribly miss practicing at Yoga Place, so looking forward to tomorrow morning…

Self practice in Istanbul

Spend almost a week at home, in Istanbul and I am proud of myself because I practiced every morning! The reason I made this trip home is because I broke one of my teeth and I am really paranoid of going to dentists other than mine after what happened in NYC four years ago. As a result, I had to have a dental surgery on my lower jaw, in which they had to drill into my bone… Ok, enough of my teeth problems.
Tuesday I went to Yogasala , thinking that they had a led ashtanga class because there was a visiting teacher who was supposedly teaching ashtanga. The schedule said, “open” and that usually means all levels… So, I went but then it turned out that people like vinyasa flow classes better (?!) so she did vinyasa flow. What I think about the class… well, it was fine, since it was a change… but then you know some of it just seems like aerobic movements and then she was pulling postures from ashtanga here and there. But what is so good in ashtanga is that each postures prepares, leads you to the next one! But when you pull postures from here and there you are not really there yet! You are not warmed up, opened up enough… This is my personal opinion. Maybe I a bit bias…
Anyways, today I am flying back to London. I miss practicing at the studio, with people so much! It makes such a big difference, so much more motivating… and of course having my teacher help me with postures, especially with backdrops! Yes, did no backdrops this week… but did my backbends.
Okay, another thing I did not mention is that last week my teacher asked if I want to help her with adjustments in class! Yes, this was a big shocker for me! But very exciting at the same time. She will first show me how to…

Happy Birthday Guruji!

Today is 91st birthday of Sri K. Pattabhi Jois! And also a moon day, so no practice but of course I practiced sufficiently in my dream. Yes, what is up with me dreaming about ashtanga almost every night? Sometimes I get really overwhelmed with this excitement. I guess something is changing within me, I am not sure what it is but all my energy is being channeled to a different direction that I am about to discover or already at the process of discovering. Well, I guess it all makes sense, all these things are happening just before my Saturn return, which is all about leaving dysfunctional habits, jobs, friendships and so on behind; it is about pruning one's life. If I am not wrong, I believe this fits well with ashtanga yoga, which initially prunes our bodies and then our minds and then our lives... The other week, when I was talking to my teacher, I mentioned if there is something wrong with being so obsessed with our practice and she told me how she was when she first began (practicing twice a day!) And then she said that there is time for everything and this can be time for you to be so focused on your practice. Since I practice absolutely whole-heartedly, with dedication and at the same time, with respect to my body, I guess it is the time for me to be so focused in my practice. On the other hand, I think practicing ashtanga has begun to change my perception in life. It gives me strength to see I end up doing postures that I thought it was impossible to do when I was first introduced to them… I just realize that with time, and with practice and patience, there should be so much we can accomplish in this world… Ohhh also, because of ashtanga I managed to begin meditating. It has always been a tough for me to meditate but I fear that if I don’t meditate, my practice might be lacking something… Well, I suppose whatever the reason one meditates for, it is always beneficial…

Practice, practice, practice

Not an eventful week... Practiced as usual. Well, also began Sunday practices (finally!). I was at my teacher’s place last Sunday morning, and we practiced together. It was quite good so I should do them myself at home from now on. This week, back drops continued. On Wednesday, my teacher said “you know I am just squeezing your hips, not holding you or anything…” But I have to get that in my head and be confident that I can do it, still I cannot picture it in my mind. I guess being able to visualize something is a big part of being able to do it… On the other hand, my headstands ( sirsasana ) are getting better, it is just time and building up some strength, balance, all that required to stay upright.
And I hope one day, while practicing, my mind will stop chattering...

I love being in a good mood!

At the moment, I am in a very good mood. Today, I learned that I passed all my exams! So, getting closer to go to Mysore. Yes, now my ultimate aim is to write a decent dissertation, hence complete my masters program properly, without disgrace, and then fly to Mysore and yes, I am saying it officially, I want to spend three months in Mysore.
My practice… My teacher added two more postures this week, so only one left to be doing the whole primary series. And the backdrops… did I mention the forehead drop that I did last week? Yes, my teacher asked me to the backdrop without her holding me and all I can remember is I was going down slowly and then suddenly I hit my forehead really loudly on the floor and I was there, lying on my back and my teacher was looking at me with worried eyes. She said, “That was really loud, are you okay? Are you dizzy, are you seeing stars?” Well, I was all right. Only, I woke up the next morning really early and kept going in my head “ how do they do it? It is impossible! How do you stay stable while going back?” Apparently, it is not impossible, but I need to work on them a bit more before I try them myself again… I asked what I did wrong since I don’t remember what happened. She said that I could not keep my arms straight after a point. Well, the thing is I go really slowly up to a certain point but after that point I go really fast, kind of loosing the control. Thus, I need to control all the way down and of course also believe that I can do it (Adam said “you fell really loudly : ) ! But your backdrops are really good, it is in your head, you need to be confident). On the other hand, headstands are getting better. Wednesday I stood up at free floating for about 15 breaths, okay I need to be doing them for 25 minutes. Ohh, then I have my little problem with bhuja pindasana . My feet, especially the right one gets stuck on the floor and I cannot lift it up, so I can move freely back and forth. I get stuck with my head on the floor each time and vigorously try lifting my chest, so I can move on to straightening my legs and then they take them back to chaturanga , you know it is time to be doing this!
I am so excited that I passed all my exams! Now, I am going off to a friend for a barbecue. I will also practice on Sunday; my teacher invited me to her house to practice together. Yes, I am now going for the formal 6 days a week!

Moving forward!

We all went to Adam’s workshop on Sunday, which was ashtanga primary series followed by a vegetarian buffet lunch cooked by him. (He is, besides being a yoga teacher, also a vegetarian chef.) Okay, we were not all there, some of us were there, and then, some other yogis who do not make it to morning Mysore courses. Yes, it was pretty crowded and we sweated whole lot!!! And afterwards, the food was really good, like my mom’s food (okay mom not quite like yours!). It turns out that his favorite food is Turkish, so flavors suited my taste buds well. Afterwards, Marsha and I went to flower market, then to London fields to lie down on grass and then picked up an Almodovar movie (The flower of my secret) and watched it at Marsha’s place. So, it was a great Sunday.
This week, practice is better; my strength is coming back. I began drop backs again, and today, I was even asked to it by myself, which I did in a sort of okay way. Alsoooo two more poses are added to my series, so three more left to be doing the whole primary series. I guess my teacher forgot that I could move forward and this is because I do the full series on Friday talk throughs. She might have assumed that I was already doing it all other days of the week as well. Last week, I had to remind her that I am waiting for her approval to go ahead, but she waited last week since I took a week off before. On Monday she added supta kona and today she added supta pada angustha. But still having funny problems with bhuja pida, I cannot put my head on the floor and lift my feet off the ground! I told my teacher I have issues with my feet and she said “you know it is all in your head, right?” I guess that is very true. We have so many funny images, and prejudices about our selves it is amazing. For instance, with supta kona, I always thought I could not come up without bending my legs. Monday, my teacher told me to do it without bending my legs, first I thought about telling her that I cannot but then decided to perform it so she can see that I cannot. However, it turned out differently. I saw myself that I can actually do it perfectly without bending my legs! See what I mean!

Nothing is for granted...

Today was my second day back in morning classes and I regretfully realized that in the past nine days that I have not practiced, my strength and flexibility diminished considerably :( Well, what to do? Nothing, just keep practicing. But then this gives me a second chance to revisit the phases I went through, and this time I might have a different journey, maybe more constructive one, since this will be the second stitch. When I mentioned my weakened flexibility and strength to my teacher, she smiled and added “also your balance”, and she said that it will take few weeks to get back to where I was. But then a friend from yoga who is also teaching ashtanga told me not worry because there is time, so many years of practice ahead… which was quite nice to hear. Yes I will practice so many more years, few weeks going back will not make such a big difference at the end…
However, it seems like I will not let my tattoo artist to touch my tattoo when I go to see him in July. He was talking about a possible touch up, changing yellow to light pink. I will insist that yellow is beautiful and nothing shall be changed… I guess he will figure out what is going on since he knows my obsession. He actually at one point grinned cunningly and said “but you know non-attachment, right?” Well, I bowed to that.
See how much I sacrificed for this chrysanthemum, it better last beautifully as long as I live.
One last thing before I finish. This morning before I woke up, I had this dream in which I was granted three wishes. I made the first two, then I had to make one another and I suddenly said that I want to be able to practice yoga forever. I don’t remember my first two wishes but this last one got stuck in my mind.

Dreams...

So, I could not practice this whole week which has been pretty painful for me. But the funny thing is that I had yoga dreams every night and the last one was about practicing with Guruji! Yes, I think yoga became a very important part of my life and I feel that I have to keep investigating further into it. By which I mean, perceiving yoga as not just physical practice but also as a life style. One of the things I realize so far is that how my physical practice is connected with my inner state. Also, I tried to practice by visualizing my practice. This is something I read in a newspaper, the article was talking about just general practice but then I remembered this yoga teacher who went through cancer treatment and got back practicing first with just visualizing her practice. I find this to be very meditative, just like yoga…
Anyway, my little sin on my left arm has shed first layer of skin (pretty colorful scabs all over the floor whole week) and now it is extremely itchy. Alex, the tattoo artist who has done my chrysanthemum, told me that until I can raise my arm without pain, for about a week, I should not practice and so he proved to be very precise! Yesterday was one week and I began raising my arm without pain. This means, hopefully I will be back practicing Monday, yes I cannot wait!

Got inked!

At last exams are over, and I am relieved… During this stressful time, I missed only one practice, the one before my morning exam. I am quite proud of myself. But then, for a painful celebration, I got a pretty chrysanthemum on my left arm/shoulder, so my poor left side would feel more feminine and embellished, without thinking that it would mean at least a week off from my practice!
By the way, I strongly believe that practicing helped me a lot while I was studying intensely. It would calm my mind down, especially just before exams when I tend to become more frantic. Once, I even mixed the order of the poses that I have been doing 5 times a week, which proves how my mind was preoccupied and out of order!
Therefore, I would recommend all to keep practicing, especially during times of intensity in other areas of your lives.
Now, I take a week of for my new adornment to heal, and so I will use this time as a chance to visit another town, Brighton, for a couple of days.

ahh Exams...

Sorry for being out of touch these days, it is because I am reviewing for exams. All day, everyday, in the library until June 1st… But no worries, I am still practicing since it is the only movement I do whole day. My left side is bit suffering but then I made progress with the headstands. Today, at my fourth try (I initially gave myself 3 trial chances but a little voice in my head told me to go one more time) I straighten my legs and stood for maybe 10 breaths, hurreyy… I was so proud of myself.
Ok, I shall be back after June 1st …

Happy Wesak!

Yesterday, while I was walking, standing, staring at people idly at Broadway Market, Beth told me that this day was the anniversary of Enlightenment of Buddha and the London Buddhist Center at Bethnal Green was having free events. (I know I should not be wandering around idly when I should be studying but it was Saturday!) Anyways, so, I decided to go to Buddhist Center and see what was going on. I thought it was a good reason to finally make myself go and check out the center (which I have intending to do since I have heard about it but had been kind of scared for some reason). Therefore, I went there and a man hands me a leaflet which had the activities of the day written on it. He told me to go in and have a cup of tea. After several minutes of staring at the leaflet and realizing if I only had come an hour ago I could have had the chance of attending a free yoga class and “himm there is a meditation session coming up”… Then, a young man came and asked me if I would be attending the mediation session and I said “yes”(!). So, I went into this room where there were already several people sitting… The teacher started talking about what we are trying to achieve with meditation, “greater awareness”. He then talked about how to sit and explained the first exercise, “watching the breath…” After the first exercise, he explained us the second exercise, which has 4 parts and the last part is what Carry actually told me to do on our Friday meditation sessions after yoga, “focusing on the sensation where you first begin feeling the breath, around your nostrils and over your lips...” And we started the second exercise and in the second part, I began feeling like floating, as if I was in a sphere and the sphere is tilted down to the left… I started getting scared and then with the Teacher telling us to move into the third part, I came a bit back to normal but then in the fourth part I, one more time, felt like I was out of my body. The only parts of my body I could feel were my hands and my head or maybe my breath… After we opened our eyes, I told the teacher that I got dizzy and felt like floating. He said that if we feel this way, we should open our eyes and try to feel our body…
Well, after I got out of the Buddhist center, I was still not very much in my body. I came home, had something to eat hoping that would give me energy. I tried to read the paper but felt quite nauseous and after a while gave up trying to feel normal, I decided to take a nap… There went my whole day in a dreamy, kind of nauseous, dizzy way. Nevertheless, somehow I am still determined to continue meditation, but maybe I am through with my exams… Happy Wesak everybody!

Resting weekend

We have no moon day this month during the week since all of them are clumped on weekends. It means, every week we will go for a consecutive 5 days yoga which can be tough. Carry suggested that we get a massage this month. Well, I have no time for a massage since I am studying for my exams, which are coming up soon and also money wise... I can take a hot bath instead.
Today is full moon in Scorpio, it means I cannot go to Jane’s Saturday Ashtanga class since no practice on moon days for Ashtanga practitioners (yeah, I know I should be going on Sundays to a Mysore class at another yoga studio where they have Sunday self practice classes but it is so convenient when Yoga Place is so close and I like to see Jane once in a while, she was my first teacher at Yoga Place ). What about tomorrow? I think I will take a rest this weekend… I am being bad but I have another 5 days to go full time next week again.
Yesterday was talk through as every Friday. My yoga friends who have been to Sri K. Pattabhi Jois workshop in London last March say that my teacher is almost as fast as Sri K. Pattabhi Jois . Yes it is even more sweating on Friday mornings. By the way, my teacher also began meditation after talk throughs on Fridays. So far, I am the only attendee… but I don’t think I last longer than 30 minutes. I start getting dizzy after a while; however, I will stick with it and maybe begin meditating at home. I need to start supplement my practice with inner working if I am serious about my practice! Yes I think I am serious. Ashtanga seems to be the only thing that makes me grounded...

Headstands, free-floating!

On Tuesday, I asked Carry how do to do headstands without leaning against the wall. She said just try and performed a headstand in a beautiful and smooth way… so my turn to try, I got my legs up and then flipped like a fish to the other side! No worries! I am still one peace and did not really got hurt… Of course she wanted me to try again and I did, this time without the fish trick for few breaths first my knees band and then legs straight… On Wednesday, I tried by myself without much success… I was not really expecting free-floating headstands to be so much difficult than the ones against the wall… After the practice, I realized my first problem is not knowing which muscles to focus on. Today, I managed to get up with bended knees, so I figured that I am supposed to focus on my arms/shoulders and abdominals (well no-brainer right? We are doing ashtanga daaa! of course bandhas…) but I was too afraid to straighten my legs because of flipping fish action I have… Carry came to my help, and straightened my legs, so stayed up for about 10 breaths. However, when she tried to adjust my legs more, I could not go along with it and this is because I still have no idea/sense of whether I am going back or forth when she adjusts me… and fear of my fish action just makes me panic and fall off… Well, I guess I will figure it out at some point down along the road… wish me good luck!

Backbends open the heart!

Yesterday, we went to farewell dinner for Nick who should be now flying to Mysore. It was a lot of fun! Even though with some of the people I exchanged few words before, I felt very comfortable. I guess sharing a devotion such as yoga creates immediate links among people… So, during one of the conversations, Carry was talking about backdrops… and she turned to me and said “you will do them by yourself in 2 months” (now she is holding me when I am dropping). I was surprised and of course my immediate reply, as a self conscious, critical Virgo, was “but I cannot even get myself to vinyasa flows in a cool way when I am on the mat!”. She said “ you have a strong back”. Well, hearing this was nice. First of all, learning that I have a strong back, in a metaphorical sense, made me think that I will be fine because my strong back is supporting me in times of difficulty (and I guess so far it did. Regardless of how desperate I felt some of the times, I managed to hold myself straight) and also it can support my dear ones when they need support… and then, in terms of my practice, it is of course positive… also, I heard from another yogi that backbends open the heart. So, I will hopefully become more open.
By the way, I still could not figure out how people jump to chaturanga when doing vinyasa flows in between mat postures. I lift myself up and then I am stuck there, then I simply put my hands forward and proceed from there. I wish some yogi was reading this and could answer me, or maybe I should simply ask my teacher.

What is the journey?

They say, left side is our feminine side and so it is also about our ability to receive, on the other hand, our right side is masculine/giving side. As I move on in my practice, I realize that yoga is not only about physical fitness, stretching, strength building and doing all these in a more meditative state, aiding the mind as well. Yes, it is all these things, but it is also a vehicle that tells me about the blocks I have in my body which are related to my inner being. So far, every ache, every sour spot occurred on my left side: my knee, my hip, my ribs, my back, my neck, always the left side… I guess yoga is trying to give me a message. Maybe about being more receptive or more feminine… Well, I tried to put red lipstick and to paint my toes more often, but it is perhaps more than that…
While working on my postures, I am constantly reminded to take steps in my life also. This is really a life journey and I am only at the beginning…
Today was Bank Holiday here, in London and we did not have class. Tomorrow around 6 am we will all make our way to Yoga Place and begin our sun salutations… and then the week will begin.

Is yoga important?

Today, I asked a proffesional ashtanga practioner about why I continue having left side issues. First, I have to introduce you to my left side issues. My left side has been closer than my right side and then it began opening up slowly, or I thought it was... but lately it again start aching and giving me problems when binding... So, I asked her to see if she thought I was doing something wrong, or maybe she would recommend me a different kind of approach. But she end up telling me that yoga is not important. I was taken back a bit. Well, yes it is not but then it is also, since we are all waking up every morning with the sun rise (and in the winter before sunrise) to get to Yoga Place and began our practice around 6 am. Anyways, I guess I have a solution to my problem... maybe instead of, as I have been doing, taking more than 5 breaths to stretch my left side (so it would realize that it has been slacking and needs to open up!) I should just let it be, just take 5 breaths and then move on... and at some point, it might decide to open up... at the moment, I realize more I push it more it gets stubborn and achy... We agreed on this solution with my teacher but to tell you the truth I was expecting more constructive suggestion from her in the first instance rather than a yoga is not so important remark... but then she is just a person like any of us (well, sometimes I suspect that she might be the supergirl); also I might be involving too much ego in my practice, and that might be what she meant, just relax and drop the ego...