Afroz

I spent 18 days at Osho Afroz meditation center and each day was blissful. Going to Afroz was the best thing I have done this whole summer. Afroz is in Eressos, which is at the southwest part of the Lesvos island. This was my second time there and it seems like each time I am falling in love with this place more deeply. I arrived on August 4, during noon. Lucky me, that date there was a boat leaving Turkey in the morning, so I arrived to Afroz by noon instead of taking the afternoon boat and arriving at night… Then I had enough time to get my tent and settle down and then go to the beach for a swim… Next day, a friend whom I knew from Pune arrived and she also start practicing with me in the mornings at the Buddha Hall. Then a friend from last year also began joining us for practice, then there was another one who was doing his sitting meditation/pranayama/asanas… So each morning was beautiful with this small group. Other than the morning practice, there were meditations we participated each morning, evening and of course also beach meditation ☺

After a week my sister also arrived and the Osho festival began. It was really beautiful. I was planning to come back but I could not. I ended up staying the whole festival. There were friends from last year, from Pune, and then lots of new ones I met this time! The festival was really fun and there were really nice workshops. The music was great, musicians were great… Every evening meeting with live music, and many active meditations with live music! Ahhh it was so alive. I became alive again with life, with love, I discovered my life source again…

Words are not really enough to describe it all… I woke up to life, to living… This summer has been demoralizing for me and I ended up in this very negative mood from which I could not get myself out. It was like falling into a pit and not knowing how to get out of it, or as if I was punishing myself with staying down there… In Afroz, I finally saw the stairs going up and I got the courage to go out of the pit. Finally, I could breath again! And I felt so much love, so much light from all around, from people, from the nature, from the universe… I realized that there is nothing to worry about, existence takes care of all this and it will also take care of me. I felt Osho’s words penetrating me again, lifting me up, encouraging me to go on. It was a beautiful time with beautiful friends, sisters, brothers, lovers…

Inconsistency...

When I read or listen to something, sometimes it just comes and goes… Therefore, since childhood, I had to write down things to understand, to learn, to think about, etc. I write things that make me wonder these days. Last week I was reading last pages of the long introduction to the Principle Upanishads. And among many, one took my attention more than the others, so I kept going back and rereading those lines… It was "The vulgar look for their gods in water, men of wider knowledge in celestial bodies, the ignorant in (images made of) wood or stone but the wise see the Supreme in their own self." Then I put this on face book and to be honest I thought that it might stir up something. And I was not wrong, someone got offended in a way I would not imagine; they thought this was arrogant and looking down to Pagan, Shamanic, Indigenous cultures… Ha! I never intended that… One thing is what I write does not necessarily represent me, or show what I believe in… With this quote, which is actually from Darsanopanisad, I was struck… And, in the next few lines it read “The yogins see the Supreme in the self, not in the images. The images are conceived for the sake of contemplation by the ignorant.” I thought about it for a week, I went back to it and reread it several times… And my first reaction was “but how, how, how do I see it in myself? I am not able to…” And then I thought about what one of my teachers would say, that one can use images to concentrate, to meditate but when one gets it, wakes up, then they drop the image, or the breath, or whatever was there to serve as a tool and then naturally, anyways everything becomes the Brahman… so I thought to myself, well if there is anyway for me, it will be the ignorant’s way (according to these line) in the beginning… Maybe I use the breath, not an image but I have to use something… Rereading these lines were reminding me that it is actually within whatever one is seeking outside… that the resource is inside, we sit on it as one sits on a treasure without being aware… However, it is not so easily graspable for some, and therefore one might have a need to put reminders, and also reminders not to get lost in what we use as a tool, not to get attached to it that we cannot let go of it when we need to…

I also think that unless one sees the divine inside it is not so possible to see the divine in other beings/things… Isn’t it always said that unless you love yourself you cannot love another; it seems very similar… And perhaps these indigenous, shamanic, and pagan cultures have much better connection with themselves and so their practices are not the practice of an ignorant… I studied a bit of Anthropology so I know how dangerous it can be to analyze other cultures from our own perspective, conditioning… how it can be patronizing. Surely I had no such intention and I really don’t know about them since I have never done a field study on such a culture…

But of course I see that I might need to be more careful with what I put out there… It is very open to be misunderstood… and also sometimes we are very prone to misunderstand each other because of preconceptions about each other. I am not trying to hurt anybody or criticize anybody… I am not a philosopher, nor an advanced meditater… I am not after a belief system and I can be inconsistent and I actually want to have the right to be inconsistent… nothing is really fixed…

Rain and the thoughts that come and go with it...

Rainy days… Yesterday was a rainy day. I love summer rain so much and also the thunders! It takes me to my childhood. When I was a kid, for sure every summer there would be summer rains to my remembering. I would be in the island, in my grandmother’s house. We would be at the balcony just before the garden so I would have an open view. I would watch the rain, watch the big streams of brownish water running down the sides of the stairs of the street in front of my grandmother’s house. The rain would wash the dusty streets, and the smell of the air would become fresher, more earthy… So each time it rains in the summer, I go back to these memories and not only to these images and smells but also the way I felt during those times… like a kid.

Well today is no rain, a bit cloudy only… Yesterday the practice was nice, power was on, I woke up before the alarm… and my energy was good. Therefore, I thought today would not be so good, it is already Thursday and I already had a nice practice the day before, so I thought I would be dragging a bit. However, to my surprise it was even better, I was intact and I really enjoyed all of it… how I condition myself to have a weak practice just because the day before was good already… Well the surprise is there!

Other than all this, I went back to Guru stuff yesterday after I had a chat with a friend. I feel a bit thorn inside… regarding someone… I have to look in to see what is there to learn… I was wondering this morning if we can be forced to change our Guru, the one teacher whom one felt closest to their soul. I guess we can be and there, a big let go had to happen. I know there is an Osho group called The Freedom process, which is again to shed the conditionings, and from what I heard from my sister, it is also to get freedom from the Guru… I guess it is like Primal where one gets freedom from the parents, symbolically killing the parents who contributed to conditionings, and so one can see them from a different angle, for the person they are… and so I guess with Freedom process one gets rid of the Guru in order to get rid of the ideal we create in our mind so we are not restricted on our path… and also to realize the ordinariness of the Guru as well… I mean, we tend to put people on a pedestal, but sooner or later they disappoint us because we built all these expectations around them… anyways… So, I wonder, but then I see it is a turning point for me. The seed was planted during Richard’s intensive. I realized how amazing Richard was but also how accessible and humble and ironic… he did not represent himself other than the human being he was and so with this, I understood that our teachers are just people like anybody, and some with amazing knowledge, big heart, great understanding, with so much to share but no need to get all nervous in front of them. One of the most valuable things I got from the TI was that my teachers should be reachable and I should be able to talk and ask question to them when I need to… with one of my teachers I felt very close to my heart, I would feel so nervous in front of him, I would not even be able to talk with him properly… but this time, I was much more relaxed and when I talked to him, I saw he had so much to say back, it was beautiful. I realized how much I was missing because I was making him unreachable in my mind… And now I am thinking that I need to let go of him for the time being because of circumstances, which are built around him by him and by others… I am sure I will see him again when the time is right.

I was thinking what Tias told me once, that he is ever more interested in creating space in the body… I never forgot that. And these days I was thinking what another teacher said, that we do not kill our thoughts but give them space in our mind. I think now what I need the most is to create space in my mind so I can give space to these thoughts that are cluttered a bit ☺

All this...

Few weeks back, I read an article by Sri Swami Sivananda which was published at Namarupa’s April volume. The article’s title was Guru and it was about (no surprise) Gurus. What is it to be a Guru, and why there is need for a Guru, sticking with only one Guru, parampara meaning spiritual knowledge handed down from Guru to disciple, and then meaning of initiation, and then sakti sanchar, transmission of spiritual power from Guru to disciple, but also need for effort by the disciple, mare touch of the Guru is not enough… Most of these I heard from teachers before. Then the other day I read the May Volume of Namarupa and this time there was an article about Jillellamudi Mother who was considered to be reincarnation of Divine Mother. The article was the story of Mother being initiated by a Guru but it was not an ordinary story, it was not an ordinary initiation since at the end the “Guru” had been initiated by the Mother! When she was young, the Mother taken by a relative to Rajamma who was doing initiation in mantra yoga. Rajamma was acting the Guru to the book as it would be described but she had not experienced the Divine and the Mother at the time was already in touch with the divine. So, the initiation process took sometime, and the Mother challenged Rajamma in their conversations to show that the Guru and the disciple are not different from one another, that the one who is initiated and the one who initiated are One, that the ritual is there and one does it but once the One is experienced then you are free from all that… “… for Mother, God was not an abstraction. He was a lived fact, a supreme fact which includes all–ignorance as well as wisdom, weakness as well as power, darkness as well as light.” At the end of it, Mother was saying that God is the only Guru and he finds you, plants a seed in you… This was a good story, which reminded of Osho, I guess Mother’s wit… At the same time, I was reminded of the talks I have listened by one of my teachers… Remembering the talks by our teacher where he would explain “Krishna says everything emanates out of me. So, also as you think that you are such a bad mediator while you sit in your cushion, Krishna says that’s me too, you say I am ignorance and Krishna goes yep that is me too, and on and on… if one gives away the sense of specialness, things become ecstatic; reframing, everything becomes Krishna…” Therefore, I have been contemplating around these teachings… Trying to reevaluate how I see things, how I respond to them, my intelligence understanding but my conditional reactions still being there, yet still going back and remembering those who show me the way, who plant the seed, the Guru.

It has been difficult for me this past month. It was nothing really vital but still there were confusions, some hard feelings by others, things to decide, trying to reach agreements… Well, the thing was I and my friend P. decided to teach together and work for ourselves, create our own space, hopefully our own shala. However, there have been some confusions around all this andwe try to understand other people and their feelings and perspectives. Our plan to realize this was much further away but to be honest, we told it much earlier, 6 months before, still it was not enough time for some… Yet, I believe, we believe all will be fine. My friends’ with whom I worked for the last two years offered their space again which was really heartening and supportive, we appreciated their openness. However, we decided it is time to move on, grow up and realize our dream by ourselves. Of course, I get shocked sometimes with some reactions of others… It makes me think that I was not able to share/give anything, but not only that I question what yoga is good for if it will end up like this? What are we taking with us? On the other hand, I am trying to see that this is not yoga, not the responsibility of the practice or mine, everyone is responsible for their own actions… Well, for me it has been difficult because I can be too sensitive but each day was like a reminder to try to wake up to the reality… And also to realize that all is Krishna, the one who criticizes and who praises, the one who insults and who supports, my weaknesses and my good sides, all is the divine…

In the mids of all this, my practice has been full on. I realized that how it keeps me together. Some days, the early morning practices were the only times I felt a bit of peace and experienced a space free of worry. One more time, I was thankful for the practice, for the tools I was taught in the practice, with the practice; watching, listening, sitting and having faith…

Ganga and this and that...

Last Wednesday morning I had a dream that got stuck in my mind… it was somehow powerful I guess. In my dream, I was pregnant and at the same time I was about to get married. The main thing in the dream was that I knew the baby was a boy and I wanted to name him Ganga. My friend, whom I was getting married to, was really against this. But I was really determined, I was saying that Ganga was such a good name and I already knew Baba Puri’s son and daughter, Ganga and Gangotri, who were brilliant, lovely people. My friend on the other hand was saying that so many people died by that river because of the conflict between India and Pakistan… well the river is not by Pakistan, but this is a dream… Anyways, I was not gonna change my mind, he was Ganga. According to some friends, being pregnant might indicate that I will give birth to something new, a new project, a new beginning, a job, etc…

Today is mom’s birthday. I spent most of the weekend with my parents. It was lovely in the island. We picked sour cherries and plums with my father in their garden. I love sour cherries even though they are really sour ☺ Mom was happy to be together. This morning I practiced in the living room. I sweated a lot at some point because the sun was just rising across… Then someone opened the door behind and the fresh island air came in. Afterwards, I had breakfast with mom…

For lunch, I met with C and D who are visiting Istanbul. They are here for one of their friends’ wedding. We went to a restaurant called Çiya which has regional food. This was also my first time in that restaurant. It was nice, we had lots of different kind of greens. The restaurant is on the Anatolian side. I came there directly from the island, they came from the European side. After lunch we took the boat back to the European side. While we were walking back to the port from the restaurant, I could not resist going into one of the dried fruits and nuts store. I got some dried figs and almonds, they got some dried apricots. Out from the store, C saw the olive oil soaps in another shop, so they got some of that. The boat ride was nice, it was very enjoyable since I was with two others who were really loving Istanbul, and curious about the city. I love the boat rides always but with friends like this, it was even better… Yeah, I felt all jolly when we said goodbye and parted ways. I hope they come back soon.

Farewell one more time...

Impermanence… keep reading about this, listening about this, but the understanding comes with experience. Joseph has also gone, Joseph Dunham. So many passing from our lives… I wish him peace. He will be missed…

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These days, everything seems in flux. Something is on the way, the thing is to decide what it is… we will do that, without hurrying, patience and listening… Nothing to worry actually but the anxiety comes with trying to make the right choice while trying to stay with our intention. Yes, vagueness…

Practice is full power in a sense that it is the space where I have the most peace of mind. So, I see one more time, even if it does not take me anywhere, it holds me together.

By the way, I made the laundry detergent and it works fine… I like it. Not difficult to make it either.

Coffee Cup

This week also has passed. Half of it was dark and rainy and the other half turned out to be sunny and bright and just like the weather, my mood also. Maybe not as sudden switches as with the weather but from going really dark to getting lighter and to more optimistic and to smiling and strong… I now see that the period my friend was talking about when she read my coffee cup last summer was this one… I have a friend who is very psychic and I really like her, she can be a bit crazy at times ☺ I enjoy her reading my coffee cup which is a Turkish tradition. After you drink the Turkish coffee there is a big lump of coffee grounds at the bottom of your small cup and you cover the cup with the plate of the cup and then turn it around so the coffee cup is upside down. Then you wait until the cup cools down, and afterwards the person who will read the coffee cup opens it and tells you what they see from all the shapes formed by the coffee grounds ran down the side of the cup and dried out… My sister and I are really untalented in this; whenever we look into the cup, we try to see things, first say ohh I see a girl, I see fish, etc… and then end up with “ufff I donnu” I guess the point is not trying to see things but either you just make up stuff ☺ or if you are really psychic you connect with your insight and the coffee cup is only a medium which helps you tell what you foresee… Anyways, the last time my friend read my coffee cup she told me that there is one period coming up which will be difficult and when it is over I will say “ohh ok I have done it, it is over, I resolved what there is to resolve…” but that is only cleaning one shelf and there is one above, thus there will be another period which will be also very trying and even more but will be good for me to clear more garbage. So I see now I am there, in the second shelf… The good thing is there are good resources out there to help one. I had a beautiful session yesterday with a very good Osho therapist. How she could be so simple and get all that out of me in less than an hour and see things clearly and help initiate a transformation? I was amazed. I heard that she is like that but of course there is always doubt… but after the session I could not feel any doubt, there was no question in my mind because everything was so clearly laid out in front of me. However, to go on, effort is needed, nothing happens by its own. For the transformation to take its course, to take off, as the famous astrologist in Mysore keeps saying, “Human effort is needed” ☺

Last Goodbye

We went to see Bodhi Ray before they put him in the coffin and wrapped him up. It took me a while to find the funeral house because the address, which was given was the old address, they moved to another place, but I made it. The funeral house was amongst auto repair shops, kind of a weird place to be but I guess here it is like that… When I arrived there were few other sannyasins, Bodhi Ray’s body in white sheets with his mala over, a bouquet of white and red roses, and an Osho photo… Osho songs, the ones which usually played during death celebrations, were playing from someone’s ipod… Some sang softly to the music, swaying their bodies, some were crying, some were just standing… His face was smiling, eyes open… felt peaceful. Tears rolled down from my eyes… It was not necessarily sadness; it was remembering what he has given, shared with me during my first time in Pune when I did his breath group. It was the first intense group I did, so what I saw, realized and experienced during that group stayed with me very alive… I remembered his energy, his insight, and his softness… It was beautiful… I felt that he had a good life, he was comfortable with himself, he was open to people and was able to share so well… After a while, they put him in his coffin, we put his mala, the roses, the Osho photo over and left his face open before they closed it up. It was good to see him, good to say last goodbye. Thank you Bodhi Ray, thank you...

One moment we are here and another moment...

How everything is unpredictable actually… As I write these lines, I remember the disappointment of my econometrics teacher after 9/11. How all his predictions became garbage after that one morning… how he realized that as much as we want, there is no way of predicting the future really… Life has a way of showing us the reality, sometimes brutally, in a way which makes us feel silly about all of our worries, suffering… Sometimes it comes like a blow... But I also realize that most of our suffering comes not from this present time, but from our past, from our childhood and maybe from past lives, stuck on us, we carry them wherever we go and trying to shake them off now and then…
Today I was reminded that one moment we are here and another moment we have gone… how actually there is an urgency to live this life as it deserves to be lived… my heart is with my friend, my heart is with the one who has gone, and we will all remember him and we will all be with her, with love…

Go

Today, initiated a big step ahead. Now it is is up to the universe kind of… It is exciting and scary at the same time...

After I split ways, I walked down Istiklal Street, not exactly knowing my destination, thinking that I might go and see my body in her jewelry shop… Then I came by Saint Antuan church and I went in. Once in a while I go in there and light some candles and then go on my way. I am not a Christian, I don’t really practice any organized religion but I respect them all as long as they don’t kill each other. My mom grew up in one of the Princess Islands where there were Turkish, Greek blooded Turkish (as they call themselves Rum) and Armenian people living. Now there are not many Rums and Armenians left… The island has an orthodox church, a monastery, which if I translate named something like “Seclusion from the world” and then there is the Priest school on top of the hill. Therefore, mom grew up being used to going to these places for a visit, to light a candle, to make a prayer, to attend a ceremony… and when I was a kid, she would also take us together… In this manner, I got the habit of going into churches. This time, I went in and lighted three candles and then I sat on one of the wooden benches. I sat there, opened my palms, feeling the vibration of the church. Maybe because there has been a lot of people praying and services happening or because this church has been there for a long while since 1870s and has witnessed the history of the city, one feels the energy in the space easily. I sat first staring at the beautiful light blue sealing with golden ornaments and stained glasses on top… and then I just sat, my mind going into planning and me shushing it for a bit of stillness… back and forth… watching was not possible so much… Then I got up and looked at the people behind me, one old man just staring ahead, one young woman sitting a bit restlessly and then this young man looking down with a big smile as if he just proposed to her and she said yes… I walked out to the sun light. As I was approaching to my body’s shop I remembered she would not be there so I turned back and walked home with all these things spinning in my mind and time to let go…I got home and wrote a lot but was not sure whether to publish it all, it was a lot of justification... and I was not sure whether there was a point or not.

Then I picked an Osho Zen card which says...
"FIGHTING: The figure in this card is completely covered in armor. Only his glare of rage is visible and the whites of the knuckles on this clenched fists. If you look closely at the armor, you can see it's covered with buttons, ready to detonate if anybody so much as brushes up against them. In the background we see the shadowy movie that plays in this man's mind - two figures fighting for a castle. An explosive temper or a smoldering rage often masks a deep feeling of pain. We think that if we frighten people away, we can avoid being hurt even more. In fact just the opposite is the case. By covering our wounds with armor we are preventing them from being healed. By lashing out at others we keep ourselves from getting the love and nourishment we need. If this description seem to fit you, it's time to stop fighting. There is so much love available to you if you just let in. Start by forgiving yourself; you're worth it.
One moment it was there, another moment it is gone. One moment we are here, and another moment we have gone. And for this simple moment, how much fuss we make - how much violence, ambition, struggle, conflict, anger, hatred. Just for this small moment! Just waiting for the train in a waiting room on a station, and creating so much fuss: fighting, hurting each other, trying to posses, trying to boss, trying to dominate - all that politics. And then the train comes and you are gone forever."

happy journeys to all of us...

Mental poop and laundry detergent

This blog is mostly about what I come across in daily life and then some mental poop, not about incredible stories of self-realization, evolution… I guess half of the time I write about mental poop. It is like what one of my teachers was saying “when you sit, it goes all “me, me, me” and you see that you are sitting in your own poop.” And just like this, sometimes my blog is like that, I don’t hide anything, pretty much self-exposure. I guess I make it easy to be criticized… but hey I am not going to try to make myself likable because that just does not work, whoever will not like me, will not like me eventually anyway. I cannot really change that. And what I was told and also actually experienced for myself is that you can teach what you practice… it is not for anybody to dictate that, not me, you or anybody else.

Okey, on a lighter note, I am going to make my own laundry detergent. I came across the recipe on the web some weeks ago. But I guess I bought one wrong ingredient. I got barote instead of borax :p… lets see, I will still use it because the pharmacy lady said that barote can be used for detergent making and that is actually why I got that when I was just about the get barox… It is not complicated, I will see if it works.

Note to self

Where does it begin and where does it end… the ego… the inflation, and diminishment… I have been struggling with this for a while. I have a low self esteem syndrome but then there is also another side of me which knows, pretty damn well knows that I am not in anyway unqualified for what I do and whatever I put my mind to do… because I am a professional student so I try to learn my lesson as well as I can and also I am honest, I tell what I do not know, pretty clear… so then what happens… of course with my low self esteem, I stay quite, almost waiting to be discovered and then I see other people with less experience etc. getting out there and marketing themselves really well. When I see this, I began getting frustrated and mostly to myself… I also get frustrated when people are not humble with the practice… But then what do I know really? I mean how can I expect another to see the practice the way I do… It is different for everyone, I always say this. So, I guess it is also different in terms of what we all get out of it… I expect to get more humility, more calmness, and more softness… I do it with an eye of self-investigation… with Richard it became deeper like that… so what if you kiss your toes in paschimottanasana, realize that it is ridiculous… I feel calm and in peace and a bit blue when I listen to Richard or Sharath talking because I feel that everyone of us who are sitting with them are accepted as we are and we are not compared to one another, we are just expected to practice and go deeper… I feel sentimental because I feel a relief, which touches me at the core of my being… Yes, it can also be a jungle in Mysore as well, but then when we are practicing in the shala we get all wiped from our egos somehow, maybe it is the shala, it is the place… and you go by with a sense that it will all come together and it does at the end… On the other hand, here I tend to get lost... I am so reluctant to put myself forward. But the real problem is I also got irritated with the ones who brag and this irritation, of course, harms me more than anyone else, because I seethe inside and I isolate myself. I have to learn to be indifferent to things that really do not matter. What does it really matter if someone things they are golden when they are just like all of us? It does not make me any less… so there is a bit of insecurity in me, so I feel threatened, here goes my own ego… but really this is a bit illusionary, time to really, not just logically, realize this!

Lodos, the wind...

I am not writing… then what am I doing, right? Well, I am watching, watching my thoughts… sometimes with a bit of embarrassment… I want to be more indifferent to some of the things, yes more. I watch the mind, I see how I get bothered, or anxious or suspicious. And I guess this is okey and honest.

Otherwise, the city has been under the wind, which we call Lodos. I don’t know if this wind occurs anywhere else than in Istanbul, but since my childhood I would hear my mom and then my sister blame their light-headedness, tiredness to Lodos. And now I do the same… Lodos is a warm wind, which churns the sea crazy and then after it is gone, there is rain, snow, something falling from the sky… Well, I think there has been lodos and I have been tired most of the time this week. Also hunger is there most of the time. Sometimes I wonder maybe it is not the lodos but something else like my friend Ewa had. She told me that she has gotten sick after staying in India so long; she was tired and hungry all the time no matter how much she ate and if I remember correctly, they figured out that she was having iron deficiency… Maybe I am dealing with something like that. Every morning I take spirulina+amla capsules, which we have bought in Auroville and also the wheat grass powder my sister got for me… I donnu… and on top of it all, I do not do the whole primary +half of second epic anymore, the longest I do is half primary with half second, which mean I should be okey energy wise… well, maybe it is the seasonal change…

The practice is good, bad, full on, full off… variable as you can get it. When I am at home, I do some circus ☺ as Rolf would put it. I try to do to Chakra Bandhasana by myself. So far, my left hand holds the left ankle then I walk it a bit up but with the right, I am not able to grab yet, it hangs out there :p Well, trying to do it yourself is a bit extreme maybe, but I know people can do it, and the backbends are no problem for me and it has been comfortable when Sharath helps me and my body knows how the stand feels, so I play around with it with a bit of fear of rolling down like hula hoop… Then, I try kicking to handstand in the middle of the room, sometimes one breath there and then I can come off from the side, which is a good thing to learn. When it comes to kicking with two legs as R&M would love to see me doing, I have been avoiding but today I start aiming for forward as Kino describes in her DVD so less panicky for me when I think forward… still lots of practice needed until I get it, but I have my whole life, no hurry, just keep practicing as always…

Then, Gail has arrived. For her, it is a whole adjustment to a new country, culture… She is sweet with a good sense of humor. Of course another virgo! We hang out sometimes… it is good to have a friend with whom I can talk Ashtangi stuff ☺ and also other stuff…

ohh more...

As I was meditating (ohh well obviously not really) and feeling fat and bloated all these things began pouring in… As I mentioned previously my humble opinion about shifting from practice to practice, I forgot to mention my thoughts in recent days regarding teachers… Those teachers whom we hope would fix us… of course not all students are like that. Anyway, I was thinking that when one has a problem with a teacher it is probably most of the time not the teacher but the student who creates this problem since our experiences are mostly shaped by our expectations, opinions and thought patterns etc…. of course this is not always the case, there are times when we have no control over what is happening but I am talking about the usual case… so I have been having this problem with one of my teachers. It is mostly in mind, not really out in the open; I have been feeling hurt, neglected, and snapped by her… and therefore, I do not want to go back even tough I love and miss the other one a lot… As I have been going through all these in my mind and sharing it with few friends, I realized that this was also me who could not be strong enough. I felt like I made her get disgusted with me because I was not strong but then at least maybe not physically strong as she expected but if I were mentally strong enough, I could stand up for myself instead of taking it all and then after a month realizing how all that was rubbish… And standing up does not have to be all dramatic, it can be just a strong attitude behind who you are... It is in my hand to make it all a different experience, something to keep in mind so if I want to go see him, I shall not be stopped by anything… There seems to be not much difference between shifting from one style practice to another and from one to teacher to another... and as I reread the Gita, I could not help but earmark the page where I read in the commentary "The function of a teacher is not to teach but to help to put the the learner in possession of himself. The questioner has the true answer in himself." Something to keep in mind...

Other than thinking too much, I had lunch with sweet dad and he was telling me how he could not sleep all night because of Dharma, their tiny schnauzer who got operated on Friday. Dad told me that mom and him talked this over and decided it was not necessary to get her fixed but then, suddenly last week mom decided to do it and took poor Dharma to the veterinary… Dharma stayed there for few nights and today they picked her up. Dad could not sleep all night because he was concerned that Dharma would begin jumping around when she sees them and her stitches would burst… talking about my vata mind, yeah with these parents, no surprises, ha!
Miss Dharma in snow

Regarding fat and bloated… these days I have weird view of myself. I feel that I have legs like fat pillars while my arms and chest are still skinny… what the hell…

Slowing down...

So, this month is slowwww… meaning that I teach few privates and then planning for the future. In June it will be full on Mysore mornings again but until then this vata mind is going crazzzyyy when the physicality is less… of course the practice is going on but uhh I need more than that always, so the mind calms down. Actually I was thinking the other day about meditation techniques and why I am drawn to Osho meditations more…. I thought that the reason is probably because Osho meditations mostly involves some kind of dancing or physical movement before the actual meditation part. They last an hour most of the time and the first part is usually meant to prepare one to sitting, to empty the mind from the rubbish accumulated during the daily life. Anyways, so I guess I need to practice more of Osho meditations these days rather than just trying to sit…

The other thing I was thinking was why people switch between yoga styles. That is for me is just another escape… it does not actually matter which practice you do, it can even be sweeping or just walking or painting etc... the thing is going deep in one. Letting go is not letting go this style of yoga practice and beginning another one until you recognize you hit the same wall, your so called limitations, or more accurately mind limitations or your issues which begin coming up, or fear of failure or not being up to do the harder work which is waiting ahead… I donnu, this just came up in one of those moments where I was more insightful than vata mind…

And of course planning for the future is always an issue for me. I have to relax in this subject because after a point you cannot control all, you do what you can and then watch what unfolds… so, Sharath begins teaching at the shala from beginning September 5 on…

At least 10 more years ahead...

I watch myself being impatient, irritated, disappointed etc… and then I ask myself where, when, how it will be more tranquil consistently? This morning I thought maybe city life is not for me anymore. I get frustrated with the traffic, with the hassle of getting from one point to the other… I got so used jumping on my scooter and cruising around while in India… or jumping in a rickshaw, still not much traffic. Even the street lights in Mysore were a bit irritating after Goa… but now I think it was super easy to get to one point from another… Ahh, of course me thinking city life is not for me is a bit ironic after so many arguments with A about whether to live in a big city or in the jungle… I was all for the big city… well I am not as extreme as A, Mysore is okey for me, would not think of it as a big, unbearable city… the good think he did not end up here though… and I will adjust perhaps in few more weeks.

Certainly, it is not only the difficulty of traveling around the city. Again, my monsters creep out from the corners they have been hiding for a few months. My friend whom I met yesterday was telling me “you come here and it is so much ego oriented city, you begin feeling unsafe and go back to the old patterns to feel safe, such as blaming yourself, feeling less than what you are, wanting to hide in your house, not to be much out there, wanting to run back to India, be a student forever, etc”. I think she said it is the superego which does this… Well, I go back and forth between the voices of my superego and the voices which reflects the reality. I guess it is better than what it had been before in terms of the rapidness of snapping out of the superego tales… but still so much work to be done. And then getting angry sometimes… it is all right, and I am not an angle because I practice yoga, I am nowhere close to being enlightened because I practice yoga and sometimes you gotta get angry so people would be aware that they are steeping out of their boundaries… Okay, the story is that this place without asking me took my photo and the information regarding Ashtanga yoga (which I quoted and translated from an article by Annie Pace…) from my website and put it on their website.. I was shocked when I saw this… I don’t know how long that this has been there but of course it was not nice, I do not teach there, and I put all the money and time into getting my photos and then getting my website done and arranging the information etc. and they just take it, put it there with a note which just says “quotation”… While they were taking all this, there was my email address, they could have asked me if they could take… So, I first emailed the person who owns the place but after not hearing back from him for 5 days, I called the place and told them either to put my website address under or to take it out. Of course couple of days ago it was still there, so I called again yesterday and the lady on the phone had excuses and yelled at me how come I practice yoga but I was not patient? And that she did not know how to change it and the owner’s dad was sick etc… and so I was unconsidered… I said I have no information what is going internally in their business, all I am asking is to change this, and it should not be so difficult. And of course, I was blamed of not listening to her, all the problems she has. We hanged up then I called her back telling that I feel bad about this argument and she said she also feels bad and I told her that it is not considered of them to just take information like this especially when they can easily ask me, since they knew how to get to my website, and right there is a contact info… and all the effort I put, why then? I should just copy paste other people’s stuff there which are much better etc… and I have to tell her because I do yoga I am not enlightened in any way, I am a normal person who has lots to figure out yet. Yes, I do have lots to figure out yet... and one of the things I guess is to take it less seriously, why do I care so much that they took it, I have to relax and anyways, who am I?

Did yoga take me further towards being a better person? Maybe a small step into watching myself; my patterns are much more clearly visible to me now; however, I am still not transformed. I do not want to say I have no control over them because I do not believe control is the key, you control and then it explodes at some point… but to transform… Well I guess seeing is the first step but there are so many steps ahead. And I always remember one of the stories Richard told us about Krishnamacarya; one guy asked Krishnamacarya “how long does it take yoga to work on someone?” and K’s answer was “it takes 3 to 4 months, but of course you only begin practicing yoga after 10 to 15 years of trying to practice yoga….” ☺

A Massage!?!

This week was overall just another week, no major happenings… However, one interesting things was the massage I got from this old lady… Well, it was not your usual hands on massage, she had this vibrating machine that she used… for a while, I thought “this is lazy massage, instead of using her hands she is using this machine on me…” and when she used her hands or the elbow, she would just dig in, as if she wanted to make me hurt or find parts that hurt… and when it hurt she said “because it is unhealthy”. For her, I am a total mess, me being a non-smoker, non-drinker, vegetarian and 6 days a week yoga practitioner and yes I am a mess. My vegetarianism was a big problem for her. After so many stuff she said against it, I had to tell her to quit trying because I am not eating dead animals… She was right about some stuff such as me having low blood pressure and not a great circulation… She said it is all because my lymphatic system is dried up (because I am vegetarian…) and she would occasionally say “so you do yoga but what good it is when you are in such bad condition.” God she was negative and at one point I told her that she is very negative and she said, “No, I am positive but when it is bad I have to tell…” She dug into my ankles, into my knees, into my groins, and to my sacrum, to the sciatica… and did cupping even under my feet! Of course me being a vata, I got all bruised now! Well, Kumar told this us during the massage course, you do not dig into Vata people even if they ask for it, if you do, you damage their tissue, bruise them and so as he said I got bruised… And this was not the only thing, actually the most entertaining part was that she was very concerned that I was prematurely aging… She told me that the line between my eyebrows is too early for a 32 year old! And then that thing under my chin! And I was “what thing under my chin???” I always thought I looked younger than my age and the people who know me usually thing so as well… I was confused but at the end I had to tell her “look, we will all age and die… it is okay”. Maybe she worked with too many women who were overly concerned about staying young, I donnu… Ha, then she was confused with my answer and she could say “yes age but in a strong way”. Well the other times she did not verbally abused me, she gossiped about the other clients of whom mostly I knew…

I asked for this massage and I got it; therefore, I cannot blame the lady too much. The whole thing lasted 4 hours! Torture machine lady had to leave at the end because I made her leave. I told her that I had a class which was actually true… Over all, was she helpful? I think actually it was helpful in some ways. After her, that night, I was in pain almost all over but now, two days later, I feel fine. Some of the minor aches I had (before her) here and there is gone and then my knee, which has been much better lately, feels even better now… Will I get another massage from her? Maybe not, and even if I do, not so soon… First, I had to gain the courage to go under such pain again… and then, I cannot afford to pay such money all the time… furthermore, I frankly neither want to be part of the gossip circle nor hear about other people's private lives... Also I want to figure out myself how to get my lymphatic system and circulation work better rather than relying on someone else for it, there should be self-applicable techniques… I do not like to rely on someone all the time to be healthy… especially when I am up right a normal person…

I feel sorry that I am not such a great advertisement for her with writing all this stuff, but I heard that she helped many people to gain their health… and you know she is sweet actually... Still I have to be honest. I think the worst part was her negative talk; you cannot heal someone with all that “the tattoo is good but the leg is bad, what kind of neck is this? All bad” kind of talk… (and I am not a smoker, drinker etc kind of person who needs to be frightened to stop doing all these stuff...) I mean, didn’t we all see in that documentary when you say bad stuff to the water the molecules get all screwed up and then when you say good stuff they all make beautiful patterns, just like that I think, to a certain extend, our bodies behave in that way too... So, to wrap it up, I love my body, I do not think it is in a bad shape, I am not in physical pain majority of the time, I practice every morning and I enjoy and feel strong and I feel young! :p

Experimenting, rearranging...

So, it was good 10 days subbing for P. Until June, he takes over the Mysore classes again. Then, I will be teaching again for a month when he is in Mysore… It is very exciting that he is going for Sharath’s TT, and the second level!!!

Looking back to two weeks ago, I was so nervous the first day of teaching, and now I am much relieved to see that most of his students received me well. It was also nice to see that I did integrate some of the things I learned in Boulder from Richard and Mary. I can now do more studying of course… continue listening to recordings and reading the notes… and then experience, experiment… listen to the breath my body…

My own practice has been fine. Well, uhhh… I have to admit I went back to adding half of the primary to my practice as Richard suggested while I was in Boulder as an alternative to doing the whole primary and half of second. The reason that I do not go on with only second is that I do not want to get weaker since the strength part do not come very easily to me. If I were in Mysore and practicing with Sharath, I would be less concerned because he would move me on slowly, so the practice would be building up… However, now it will be where it is until September … Well, I added Yoga Nidrasana and (which is such a reliever) and Tittibhasana A , B, C, since I was given them by Rolf. Tittibhasanas were the last ones which were given by Rolf before I left Goa. I did them for the first time today since I left Goa. They are killer still, my legs get on fire ☺. I think now that if I did not upset Sharath by doing the right leg first in Dwi Pada Sirsasana when he asked me to show him that one time (I got that from M who kept wanting us to switch sides) (and of course also my head hanging down depressively did not help either) maybe he would have given me Yoga Nidrasana… Anyway, it is not important, I have enough to work on until I see him next time… and I will work on Dwi Pada and Tittibhasana, so when I am with him, it would be less of a challenge; yes Yoga Nidarasana sandwiched between those two is really a nice break, and I also need to work on the exist in Eka Pada… On the other hand, I have to admit that there is a difference between doing only second and combining it with primary! The intensity of doing only second is really strong, and I am not talking only about the physical intensity. One of these mornings as my mind was wandering while I was doing the first half of primary, I realized that when I do only second, also the focus of the mind is much greater! Therefore, I decided to practice twice a week only second, and there is only primary on Fridays and then the other three days are first or second half of primary with the intermediate… that sound ok, no? I asked Peter’s opinion about this and his response was “you are lucky that you can experiment, I did not have this choice…” I guess he had to go along with what he was told at the time…

Well, I am in a good place. I have plans to plan and not alone… and then things to look forward, especially August!!!

Rolling...

So, teaching is fun as always… of course this time will not last so long, Peter is back next week. In June I will be teaching the Mysore classes again, then for a month. I have to say that couple of them are just seeing me as this one who is filling in for Peter (which is the case) and they dismiss my suggestions… that is all right, I know when to make it clear that I am now teaching in that room and when to let go… On the other hand, I really like that some of my old students are there, it is nice to have familiar faces around, so I am not the total stranger and already I am getting to know others… Over all, it is a good environment and it is a nice reminder of how much I enjoy teaching... Though I will need to make some effort to teach some privates or something during the month of May.

Practice is okay. Yesterday I was feeling super tired, weak and stiff! I don’t usually feel stiff so that was surprising… Still I made it through fine. This morning it was better. I had more power, even though waking up part was still difficult. I guess waking up part is never so easy for me unless I am in Mysore and it is so hot that I cannot sleep and I just get antsy and hiper so the best thing to do is to practice… But then this time I am in much better situation because I don’t have a super long practice; therefore, I wake up at the same time I used to last year but I can take my time to actually wake up. I can do some hip openers, I can sit idly and try to open my eyes ☺ Then I am ready to do my practice. I even do some mini salutations as we used to do with Richard. Those are nice because they get you slowly into the movement, and the legs begin waking up…

Then… I am already making plans for August! I know August is far but I am very tempted about this one workshop. I feel similar to the time when I wanted to go for Nancy Gilgoff workshop, which I ended up going to and which had been very healing for me at the time… and now again I am feeling that this teacher will be helpful for me, so I will do it… really excited already!

Also…. I could not help smiling to myself today. I kept saying that I don’t want to travel in India again, that it is too difficult, too tiring, etc, etc… but then I found myself today looking for Gokarna and then I wanted to google “how to get from Mysore to Gokarna” thinking about my next trip already :p… dreaming is nice. I will see how the visa think will work out, what kind of visa they will give, how much time they will give to be in India and if that would leave sometime to explore…

Uhh my sister is stuck in London. She was suppose to be back yesterday from her trip but the ashes, the volcano, you all know… I hope it will not last too long. She left before I could spend sometime with her… and also it might be getting too costly for her.

Being back home...

Been back home since last Thursday. It was a long trip to get home. I took the taxi (well, that was a luxury…) from Mysore to Bangalore, about a 4-hour drive. The new Bangalore airport is really nice so I was happy to get there and I even did a last minute shopping :p… Then I flew to Bombay which felt longer than hour and a half, I donnu if it was longer… Then the flight to London from Bombay. That felt pretty quick and I was in London early morning. I was really happy to be at Terminal 5 in Heathrow. I got good coffee, I got some breakfast food (ok, I don’t think rabbits eat yogurt and granola so no rabbit food) then I went to Kiehl’s booth and got the dry argan oil they have and some more stuff. (dear Linda that was my retail therapy!) Kiehl’s is not cheap but I really like their products; I feel that the money I spent is well worth. After three hours I had to run to my flight to Istanbul, yes I was a bit late, himm I got into the plane 8 minutes before the flight, but then we had to wait around a bit, so I did not have to feel guilty... What torturous was that we had to wait in the air for a while after we arrived to Istanbul, I was very much over being in the plane, flying… After we landed it was pretty quick to get out of the airport, but then there was Istanbul afternoon traffic waiting for me… I thought my head was going to explode as I sat in the traffic. When I arrived home, it was nice though. My friend who subletted my apartment took good care of my place… and it just felt good to be home!

The first morning I practiced the primary series since it was a Friday, I did a very mellow primary and it was good. I was thinking I might practice Saturday since I skipped Thursday due to traveling but then I was just tired… lazy… Instead I slept and then met with my sister and went to see an art exhibition of a friend which was really funny… Sunday I went to Peter’s class and also today and also Tuesday. Sunday felt a bit intense, doing only second here for the first time after travelling… well it is not hot here yet and after coming from Mysore where it was super hot and had been practicing in the shala which was full of 70 people, it feels a bit different… still lucky that I had the chance to practice with others rather than alone my first few days. During the moon day, Wednesday, I practiced the standing sequence to one of the led classes by Richard from the Teacher Intensive, which was recorded by dear Sascha.

And today… I began teaching, covering for P who will be away for 10 days. I was a bit nervous last night because it has been 6 months since I stopped teaching… but it was all right. I guess now it is a natural environment for me… and then there are few more things to share since the intensive with Richard and Mary which makes it exciting... to my chance there were also two ladies who were newbies… that was fun…