At least 10 more years ahead...

I watch myself being impatient, irritated, disappointed etc… and then I ask myself where, when, how it will be more tranquil consistently? This morning I thought maybe city life is not for me anymore. I get frustrated with the traffic, with the hassle of getting from one point to the other… I got so used jumping on my scooter and cruising around while in India… or jumping in a rickshaw, still not much traffic. Even the street lights in Mysore were a bit irritating after Goa… but now I think it was super easy to get to one point from another… Ahh, of course me thinking city life is not for me is a bit ironic after so many arguments with A about whether to live in a big city or in the jungle… I was all for the big city… well I am not as extreme as A, Mysore is okey for me, would not think of it as a big, unbearable city… the good think he did not end up here though… and I will adjust perhaps in few more weeks.

Certainly, it is not only the difficulty of traveling around the city. Again, my monsters creep out from the corners they have been hiding for a few months. My friend whom I met yesterday was telling me “you come here and it is so much ego oriented city, you begin feeling unsafe and go back to the old patterns to feel safe, such as blaming yourself, feeling less than what you are, wanting to hide in your house, not to be much out there, wanting to run back to India, be a student forever, etc”. I think she said it is the superego which does this… Well, I go back and forth between the voices of my superego and the voices which reflects the reality. I guess it is better than what it had been before in terms of the rapidness of snapping out of the superego tales… but still so much work to be done. And then getting angry sometimes… it is all right, and I am not an angle because I practice yoga, I am nowhere close to being enlightened because I practice yoga and sometimes you gotta get angry so people would be aware that they are steeping out of their boundaries… Okay, the story is that this place without asking me took my photo and the information regarding Ashtanga yoga (which I quoted and translated from an article by Annie Pace…) from my website and put it on their website.. I was shocked when I saw this… I don’t know how long that this has been there but of course it was not nice, I do not teach there, and I put all the money and time into getting my photos and then getting my website done and arranging the information etc. and they just take it, put it there with a note which just says “quotation”… While they were taking all this, there was my email address, they could have asked me if they could take… So, I first emailed the person who owns the place but after not hearing back from him for 5 days, I called the place and told them either to put my website address under or to take it out. Of course couple of days ago it was still there, so I called again yesterday and the lady on the phone had excuses and yelled at me how come I practice yoga but I was not patient? And that she did not know how to change it and the owner’s dad was sick etc… and so I was unconsidered… I said I have no information what is going internally in their business, all I am asking is to change this, and it should not be so difficult. And of course, I was blamed of not listening to her, all the problems she has. We hanged up then I called her back telling that I feel bad about this argument and she said she also feels bad and I told her that it is not considered of them to just take information like this especially when they can easily ask me, since they knew how to get to my website, and right there is a contact info… and all the effort I put, why then? I should just copy paste other people’s stuff there which are much better etc… and I have to tell her because I do yoga I am not enlightened in any way, I am a normal person who has lots to figure out yet. Yes, I do have lots to figure out yet... and one of the things I guess is to take it less seriously, why do I care so much that they took it, I have to relax and anyways, who am I?

Did yoga take me further towards being a better person? Maybe a small step into watching myself; my patterns are much more clearly visible to me now; however, I am still not transformed. I do not want to say I have no control over them because I do not believe control is the key, you control and then it explodes at some point… but to transform… Well I guess seeing is the first step but there are so many steps ahead. And I always remember one of the stories Richard told us about Krishnamacarya; one guy asked Krishnamacarya “how long does it take yoga to work on someone?” and K’s answer was “it takes 3 to 4 months, but of course you only begin practicing yoga after 10 to 15 years of trying to practice yoga….” ☺