Note to self

Where does it begin and where does it end… the ego… the inflation, and diminishment… I have been struggling with this for a while. I have a low self esteem syndrome but then there is also another side of me which knows, pretty damn well knows that I am not in anyway unqualified for what I do and whatever I put my mind to do… because I am a professional student so I try to learn my lesson as well as I can and also I am honest, I tell what I do not know, pretty clear… so then what happens… of course with my low self esteem, I stay quite, almost waiting to be discovered and then I see other people with less experience etc. getting out there and marketing themselves really well. When I see this, I began getting frustrated and mostly to myself… I also get frustrated when people are not humble with the practice… But then what do I know really? I mean how can I expect another to see the practice the way I do… It is different for everyone, I always say this. So, I guess it is also different in terms of what we all get out of it… I expect to get more humility, more calmness, and more softness… I do it with an eye of self-investigation… with Richard it became deeper like that… so what if you kiss your toes in paschimottanasana, realize that it is ridiculous… I feel calm and in peace and a bit blue when I listen to Richard or Sharath talking because I feel that everyone of us who are sitting with them are accepted as we are and we are not compared to one another, we are just expected to practice and go deeper… I feel sentimental because I feel a relief, which touches me at the core of my being… Yes, it can also be a jungle in Mysore as well, but then when we are practicing in the shala we get all wiped from our egos somehow, maybe it is the shala, it is the place… and you go by with a sense that it will all come together and it does at the end… On the other hand, here I tend to get lost... I am so reluctant to put myself forward. But the real problem is I also got irritated with the ones who brag and this irritation, of course, harms me more than anyone else, because I seethe inside and I isolate myself. I have to learn to be indifferent to things that really do not matter. What does it really matter if someone things they are golden when they are just like all of us? It does not make me any less… so there is a bit of insecurity in me, so I feel threatened, here goes my own ego… but really this is a bit illusionary, time to really, not just logically, realize this!