One moment we are here and another moment...

How everything is unpredictable actually… As I write these lines, I remember the disappointment of my econometrics teacher after 9/11. How all his predictions became garbage after that one morning… how he realized that as much as we want, there is no way of predicting the future really… Life has a way of showing us the reality, sometimes brutally, in a way which makes us feel silly about all of our worries, suffering… Sometimes it comes like a blow... But I also realize that most of our suffering comes not from this present time, but from our past, from our childhood and maybe from past lives, stuck on us, we carry them wherever we go and trying to shake them off now and then…
Today I was reminded that one moment we are here and another moment we have gone… how actually there is an urgency to live this life as it deserves to be lived… my heart is with my friend, my heart is with the one who has gone, and we will all remember him and we will all be with her, with love…

Go

Today, initiated a big step ahead. Now it is is up to the universe kind of… It is exciting and scary at the same time...

After I split ways, I walked down Istiklal Street, not exactly knowing my destination, thinking that I might go and see my body in her jewelry shop… Then I came by Saint Antuan church and I went in. Once in a while I go in there and light some candles and then go on my way. I am not a Christian, I don’t really practice any organized religion but I respect them all as long as they don’t kill each other. My mom grew up in one of the Princess Islands where there were Turkish, Greek blooded Turkish (as they call themselves Rum) and Armenian people living. Now there are not many Rums and Armenians left… The island has an orthodox church, a monastery, which if I translate named something like “Seclusion from the world” and then there is the Priest school on top of the hill. Therefore, mom grew up being used to going to these places for a visit, to light a candle, to make a prayer, to attend a ceremony… and when I was a kid, she would also take us together… In this manner, I got the habit of going into churches. This time, I went in and lighted three candles and then I sat on one of the wooden benches. I sat there, opened my palms, feeling the vibration of the church. Maybe because there has been a lot of people praying and services happening or because this church has been there for a long while since 1870s and has witnessed the history of the city, one feels the energy in the space easily. I sat first staring at the beautiful light blue sealing with golden ornaments and stained glasses on top… and then I just sat, my mind going into planning and me shushing it for a bit of stillness… back and forth… watching was not possible so much… Then I got up and looked at the people behind me, one old man just staring ahead, one young woman sitting a bit restlessly and then this young man looking down with a big smile as if he just proposed to her and she said yes… I walked out to the sun light. As I was approaching to my body’s shop I remembered she would not be there so I turned back and walked home with all these things spinning in my mind and time to let go…I got home and wrote a lot but was not sure whether to publish it all, it was a lot of justification... and I was not sure whether there was a point or not.

Then I picked an Osho Zen card which says...
"FIGHTING: The figure in this card is completely covered in armor. Only his glare of rage is visible and the whites of the knuckles on this clenched fists. If you look closely at the armor, you can see it's covered with buttons, ready to detonate if anybody so much as brushes up against them. In the background we see the shadowy movie that plays in this man's mind - two figures fighting for a castle. An explosive temper or a smoldering rage often masks a deep feeling of pain. We think that if we frighten people away, we can avoid being hurt even more. In fact just the opposite is the case. By covering our wounds with armor we are preventing them from being healed. By lashing out at others we keep ourselves from getting the love and nourishment we need. If this description seem to fit you, it's time to stop fighting. There is so much love available to you if you just let in. Start by forgiving yourself; you're worth it.
One moment it was there, another moment it is gone. One moment we are here, and another moment we have gone. And for this simple moment, how much fuss we make - how much violence, ambition, struggle, conflict, anger, hatred. Just for this small moment! Just waiting for the train in a waiting room on a station, and creating so much fuss: fighting, hurting each other, trying to posses, trying to boss, trying to dominate - all that politics. And then the train comes and you are gone forever."

happy journeys to all of us...

Mental poop and laundry detergent

This blog is mostly about what I come across in daily life and then some mental poop, not about incredible stories of self-realization, evolution… I guess half of the time I write about mental poop. It is like what one of my teachers was saying “when you sit, it goes all “me, me, me” and you see that you are sitting in your own poop.” And just like this, sometimes my blog is like that, I don’t hide anything, pretty much self-exposure. I guess I make it easy to be criticized… but hey I am not going to try to make myself likable because that just does not work, whoever will not like me, will not like me eventually anyway. I cannot really change that. And what I was told and also actually experienced for myself is that you can teach what you practice… it is not for anybody to dictate that, not me, you or anybody else.

Okey, on a lighter note, I am going to make my own laundry detergent. I came across the recipe on the web some weeks ago. But I guess I bought one wrong ingredient. I got barote instead of borax :p… lets see, I will still use it because the pharmacy lady said that barote can be used for detergent making and that is actually why I got that when I was just about the get barox… It is not complicated, I will see if it works.

Note to self

Where does it begin and where does it end… the ego… the inflation, and diminishment… I have been struggling with this for a while. I have a low self esteem syndrome but then there is also another side of me which knows, pretty damn well knows that I am not in anyway unqualified for what I do and whatever I put my mind to do… because I am a professional student so I try to learn my lesson as well as I can and also I am honest, I tell what I do not know, pretty clear… so then what happens… of course with my low self esteem, I stay quite, almost waiting to be discovered and then I see other people with less experience etc. getting out there and marketing themselves really well. When I see this, I began getting frustrated and mostly to myself… I also get frustrated when people are not humble with the practice… But then what do I know really? I mean how can I expect another to see the practice the way I do… It is different for everyone, I always say this. So, I guess it is also different in terms of what we all get out of it… I expect to get more humility, more calmness, and more softness… I do it with an eye of self-investigation… with Richard it became deeper like that… so what if you kiss your toes in paschimottanasana, realize that it is ridiculous… I feel calm and in peace and a bit blue when I listen to Richard or Sharath talking because I feel that everyone of us who are sitting with them are accepted as we are and we are not compared to one another, we are just expected to practice and go deeper… I feel sentimental because I feel a relief, which touches me at the core of my being… Yes, it can also be a jungle in Mysore as well, but then when we are practicing in the shala we get all wiped from our egos somehow, maybe it is the shala, it is the place… and you go by with a sense that it will all come together and it does at the end… On the other hand, here I tend to get lost... I am so reluctant to put myself forward. But the real problem is I also got irritated with the ones who brag and this irritation, of course, harms me more than anyone else, because I seethe inside and I isolate myself. I have to learn to be indifferent to things that really do not matter. What does it really matter if someone things they are golden when they are just like all of us? It does not make me any less… so there is a bit of insecurity in me, so I feel threatened, here goes my own ego… but really this is a bit illusionary, time to really, not just logically, realize this!

Lodos, the wind...

I am not writing… then what am I doing, right? Well, I am watching, watching my thoughts… sometimes with a bit of embarrassment… I want to be more indifferent to some of the things, yes more. I watch the mind, I see how I get bothered, or anxious or suspicious. And I guess this is okey and honest.

Otherwise, the city has been under the wind, which we call Lodos. I don’t know if this wind occurs anywhere else than in Istanbul, but since my childhood I would hear my mom and then my sister blame their light-headedness, tiredness to Lodos. And now I do the same… Lodos is a warm wind, which churns the sea crazy and then after it is gone, there is rain, snow, something falling from the sky… Well, I think there has been lodos and I have been tired most of the time this week. Also hunger is there most of the time. Sometimes I wonder maybe it is not the lodos but something else like my friend Ewa had. She told me that she has gotten sick after staying in India so long; she was tired and hungry all the time no matter how much she ate and if I remember correctly, they figured out that she was having iron deficiency… Maybe I am dealing with something like that. Every morning I take spirulina+amla capsules, which we have bought in Auroville and also the wheat grass powder my sister got for me… I donnu… and on top of it all, I do not do the whole primary +half of second epic anymore, the longest I do is half primary with half second, which mean I should be okey energy wise… well, maybe it is the seasonal change…

The practice is good, bad, full on, full off… variable as you can get it. When I am at home, I do some circus ☺ as Rolf would put it. I try to do to Chakra Bandhasana by myself. So far, my left hand holds the left ankle then I walk it a bit up but with the right, I am not able to grab yet, it hangs out there :p Well, trying to do it yourself is a bit extreme maybe, but I know people can do it, and the backbends are no problem for me and it has been comfortable when Sharath helps me and my body knows how the stand feels, so I play around with it with a bit of fear of rolling down like hula hoop… Then, I try kicking to handstand in the middle of the room, sometimes one breath there and then I can come off from the side, which is a good thing to learn. When it comes to kicking with two legs as R&M would love to see me doing, I have been avoiding but today I start aiming for forward as Kino describes in her DVD so less panicky for me when I think forward… still lots of practice needed until I get it, but I have my whole life, no hurry, just keep practicing as always…

Then, Gail has arrived. For her, it is a whole adjustment to a new country, culture… She is sweet with a good sense of humor. Of course another virgo! We hang out sometimes… it is good to have a friend with whom I can talk Ashtangi stuff ☺ and also other stuff…

ohh more...

As I was meditating (ohh well obviously not really) and feeling fat and bloated all these things began pouring in… As I mentioned previously my humble opinion about shifting from practice to practice, I forgot to mention my thoughts in recent days regarding teachers… Those teachers whom we hope would fix us… of course not all students are like that. Anyway, I was thinking that when one has a problem with a teacher it is probably most of the time not the teacher but the student who creates this problem since our experiences are mostly shaped by our expectations, opinions and thought patterns etc…. of course this is not always the case, there are times when we have no control over what is happening but I am talking about the usual case… so I have been having this problem with one of my teachers. It is mostly in mind, not really out in the open; I have been feeling hurt, neglected, and snapped by her… and therefore, I do not want to go back even tough I love and miss the other one a lot… As I have been going through all these in my mind and sharing it with few friends, I realized that this was also me who could not be strong enough. I felt like I made her get disgusted with me because I was not strong but then at least maybe not physically strong as she expected but if I were mentally strong enough, I could stand up for myself instead of taking it all and then after a month realizing how all that was rubbish… And standing up does not have to be all dramatic, it can be just a strong attitude behind who you are... It is in my hand to make it all a different experience, something to keep in mind so if I want to go see him, I shall not be stopped by anything… There seems to be not much difference between shifting from one style practice to another and from one to teacher to another... and as I reread the Gita, I could not help but earmark the page where I read in the commentary "The function of a teacher is not to teach but to help to put the the learner in possession of himself. The questioner has the true answer in himself." Something to keep in mind...

Other than thinking too much, I had lunch with sweet dad and he was telling me how he could not sleep all night because of Dharma, their tiny schnauzer who got operated on Friday. Dad told me that mom and him talked this over and decided it was not necessary to get her fixed but then, suddenly last week mom decided to do it and took poor Dharma to the veterinary… Dharma stayed there for few nights and today they picked her up. Dad could not sleep all night because he was concerned that Dharma would begin jumping around when she sees them and her stitches would burst… talking about my vata mind, yeah with these parents, no surprises, ha!
Miss Dharma in snow

Regarding fat and bloated… these days I have weird view of myself. I feel that I have legs like fat pillars while my arms and chest are still skinny… what the hell…

Slowing down...

So, this month is slowwww… meaning that I teach few privates and then planning for the future. In June it will be full on Mysore mornings again but until then this vata mind is going crazzzyyy when the physicality is less… of course the practice is going on but uhh I need more than that always, so the mind calms down. Actually I was thinking the other day about meditation techniques and why I am drawn to Osho meditations more…. I thought that the reason is probably because Osho meditations mostly involves some kind of dancing or physical movement before the actual meditation part. They last an hour most of the time and the first part is usually meant to prepare one to sitting, to empty the mind from the rubbish accumulated during the daily life. Anyways, so I guess I need to practice more of Osho meditations these days rather than just trying to sit…

The other thing I was thinking was why people switch between yoga styles. That is for me is just another escape… it does not actually matter which practice you do, it can even be sweeping or just walking or painting etc... the thing is going deep in one. Letting go is not letting go this style of yoga practice and beginning another one until you recognize you hit the same wall, your so called limitations, or more accurately mind limitations or your issues which begin coming up, or fear of failure or not being up to do the harder work which is waiting ahead… I donnu, this just came up in one of those moments where I was more insightful than vata mind…

And of course planning for the future is always an issue for me. I have to relax in this subject because after a point you cannot control all, you do what you can and then watch what unfolds… so, Sharath begins teaching at the shala from beginning September 5 on…

At least 10 more years ahead...

I watch myself being impatient, irritated, disappointed etc… and then I ask myself where, when, how it will be more tranquil consistently? This morning I thought maybe city life is not for me anymore. I get frustrated with the traffic, with the hassle of getting from one point to the other… I got so used jumping on my scooter and cruising around while in India… or jumping in a rickshaw, still not much traffic. Even the street lights in Mysore were a bit irritating after Goa… but now I think it was super easy to get to one point from another… Ahh, of course me thinking city life is not for me is a bit ironic after so many arguments with A about whether to live in a big city or in the jungle… I was all for the big city… well I am not as extreme as A, Mysore is okey for me, would not think of it as a big, unbearable city… the good think he did not end up here though… and I will adjust perhaps in few more weeks.

Certainly, it is not only the difficulty of traveling around the city. Again, my monsters creep out from the corners they have been hiding for a few months. My friend whom I met yesterday was telling me “you come here and it is so much ego oriented city, you begin feeling unsafe and go back to the old patterns to feel safe, such as blaming yourself, feeling less than what you are, wanting to hide in your house, not to be much out there, wanting to run back to India, be a student forever, etc”. I think she said it is the superego which does this… Well, I go back and forth between the voices of my superego and the voices which reflects the reality. I guess it is better than what it had been before in terms of the rapidness of snapping out of the superego tales… but still so much work to be done. And then getting angry sometimes… it is all right, and I am not an angle because I practice yoga, I am nowhere close to being enlightened because I practice yoga and sometimes you gotta get angry so people would be aware that they are steeping out of their boundaries… Okay, the story is that this place without asking me took my photo and the information regarding Ashtanga yoga (which I quoted and translated from an article by Annie Pace…) from my website and put it on their website.. I was shocked when I saw this… I don’t know how long that this has been there but of course it was not nice, I do not teach there, and I put all the money and time into getting my photos and then getting my website done and arranging the information etc. and they just take it, put it there with a note which just says “quotation”… While they were taking all this, there was my email address, they could have asked me if they could take… So, I first emailed the person who owns the place but after not hearing back from him for 5 days, I called the place and told them either to put my website address under or to take it out. Of course couple of days ago it was still there, so I called again yesterday and the lady on the phone had excuses and yelled at me how come I practice yoga but I was not patient? And that she did not know how to change it and the owner’s dad was sick etc… and so I was unconsidered… I said I have no information what is going internally in their business, all I am asking is to change this, and it should not be so difficult. And of course, I was blamed of not listening to her, all the problems she has. We hanged up then I called her back telling that I feel bad about this argument and she said she also feels bad and I told her that it is not considered of them to just take information like this especially when they can easily ask me, since they knew how to get to my website, and right there is a contact info… and all the effort I put, why then? I should just copy paste other people’s stuff there which are much better etc… and I have to tell her because I do yoga I am not enlightened in any way, I am a normal person who has lots to figure out yet. Yes, I do have lots to figure out yet... and one of the things I guess is to take it less seriously, why do I care so much that they took it, I have to relax and anyways, who am I?

Did yoga take me further towards being a better person? Maybe a small step into watching myself; my patterns are much more clearly visible to me now; however, I am still not transformed. I do not want to say I have no control over them because I do not believe control is the key, you control and then it explodes at some point… but to transform… Well I guess seeing is the first step but there are so many steps ahead. And I always remember one of the stories Richard told us about Krishnamacarya; one guy asked Krishnamacarya “how long does it take yoga to work on someone?” and K’s answer was “it takes 3 to 4 months, but of course you only begin practicing yoga after 10 to 15 years of trying to practice yoga….” ☺

A Massage!?!

This week was overall just another week, no major happenings… However, one interesting things was the massage I got from this old lady… Well, it was not your usual hands on massage, she had this vibrating machine that she used… for a while, I thought “this is lazy massage, instead of using her hands she is using this machine on me…” and when she used her hands or the elbow, she would just dig in, as if she wanted to make me hurt or find parts that hurt… and when it hurt she said “because it is unhealthy”. For her, I am a total mess, me being a non-smoker, non-drinker, vegetarian and 6 days a week yoga practitioner and yes I am a mess. My vegetarianism was a big problem for her. After so many stuff she said against it, I had to tell her to quit trying because I am not eating dead animals… She was right about some stuff such as me having low blood pressure and not a great circulation… She said it is all because my lymphatic system is dried up (because I am vegetarian…) and she would occasionally say “so you do yoga but what good it is when you are in such bad condition.” God she was negative and at one point I told her that she is very negative and she said, “No, I am positive but when it is bad I have to tell…” She dug into my ankles, into my knees, into my groins, and to my sacrum, to the sciatica… and did cupping even under my feet! Of course me being a vata, I got all bruised now! Well, Kumar told this us during the massage course, you do not dig into Vata people even if they ask for it, if you do, you damage their tissue, bruise them and so as he said I got bruised… And this was not the only thing, actually the most entertaining part was that she was very concerned that I was prematurely aging… She told me that the line between my eyebrows is too early for a 32 year old! And then that thing under my chin! And I was “what thing under my chin???” I always thought I looked younger than my age and the people who know me usually thing so as well… I was confused but at the end I had to tell her “look, we will all age and die… it is okay”. Maybe she worked with too many women who were overly concerned about staying young, I donnu… Ha, then she was confused with my answer and she could say “yes age but in a strong way”. Well the other times she did not verbally abused me, she gossiped about the other clients of whom mostly I knew…

I asked for this massage and I got it; therefore, I cannot blame the lady too much. The whole thing lasted 4 hours! Torture machine lady had to leave at the end because I made her leave. I told her that I had a class which was actually true… Over all, was she helpful? I think actually it was helpful in some ways. After her, that night, I was in pain almost all over but now, two days later, I feel fine. Some of the minor aches I had (before her) here and there is gone and then my knee, which has been much better lately, feels even better now… Will I get another massage from her? Maybe not, and even if I do, not so soon… First, I had to gain the courage to go under such pain again… and then, I cannot afford to pay such money all the time… furthermore, I frankly neither want to be part of the gossip circle nor hear about other people's private lives... Also I want to figure out myself how to get my lymphatic system and circulation work better rather than relying on someone else for it, there should be self-applicable techniques… I do not like to rely on someone all the time to be healthy… especially when I am up right a normal person…

I feel sorry that I am not such a great advertisement for her with writing all this stuff, but I heard that she helped many people to gain their health… and you know she is sweet actually... Still I have to be honest. I think the worst part was her negative talk; you cannot heal someone with all that “the tattoo is good but the leg is bad, what kind of neck is this? All bad” kind of talk… (and I am not a smoker, drinker etc kind of person who needs to be frightened to stop doing all these stuff...) I mean, didn’t we all see in that documentary when you say bad stuff to the water the molecules get all screwed up and then when you say good stuff they all make beautiful patterns, just like that I think, to a certain extend, our bodies behave in that way too... So, to wrap it up, I love my body, I do not think it is in a bad shape, I am not in physical pain majority of the time, I practice every morning and I enjoy and feel strong and I feel young! :p

Experimenting, rearranging...

So, it was good 10 days subbing for P. Until June, he takes over the Mysore classes again. Then, I will be teaching again for a month when he is in Mysore… It is very exciting that he is going for Sharath’s TT, and the second level!!!

Looking back to two weeks ago, I was so nervous the first day of teaching, and now I am much relieved to see that most of his students received me well. It was also nice to see that I did integrate some of the things I learned in Boulder from Richard and Mary. I can now do more studying of course… continue listening to recordings and reading the notes… and then experience, experiment… listen to the breath my body…

My own practice has been fine. Well, uhhh… I have to admit I went back to adding half of the primary to my practice as Richard suggested while I was in Boulder as an alternative to doing the whole primary and half of second. The reason that I do not go on with only second is that I do not want to get weaker since the strength part do not come very easily to me. If I were in Mysore and practicing with Sharath, I would be less concerned because he would move me on slowly, so the practice would be building up… However, now it will be where it is until September … Well, I added Yoga Nidrasana and (which is such a reliever) and Tittibhasana A , B, C, since I was given them by Rolf. Tittibhasanas were the last ones which were given by Rolf before I left Goa. I did them for the first time today since I left Goa. They are killer still, my legs get on fire ☺. I think now that if I did not upset Sharath by doing the right leg first in Dwi Pada Sirsasana when he asked me to show him that one time (I got that from M who kept wanting us to switch sides) (and of course also my head hanging down depressively did not help either) maybe he would have given me Yoga Nidrasana… Anyway, it is not important, I have enough to work on until I see him next time… and I will work on Dwi Pada and Tittibhasana, so when I am with him, it would be less of a challenge; yes Yoga Nidarasana sandwiched between those two is really a nice break, and I also need to work on the exist in Eka Pada… On the other hand, I have to admit that there is a difference between doing only second and combining it with primary! The intensity of doing only second is really strong, and I am not talking only about the physical intensity. One of these mornings as my mind was wandering while I was doing the first half of primary, I realized that when I do only second, also the focus of the mind is much greater! Therefore, I decided to practice twice a week only second, and there is only primary on Fridays and then the other three days are first or second half of primary with the intermediate… that sound ok, no? I asked Peter’s opinion about this and his response was “you are lucky that you can experiment, I did not have this choice…” I guess he had to go along with what he was told at the time…

Well, I am in a good place. I have plans to plan and not alone… and then things to look forward, especially August!!!

Rolling...

So, teaching is fun as always… of course this time will not last so long, Peter is back next week. In June I will be teaching the Mysore classes again, then for a month. I have to say that couple of them are just seeing me as this one who is filling in for Peter (which is the case) and they dismiss my suggestions… that is all right, I know when to make it clear that I am now teaching in that room and when to let go… On the other hand, I really like that some of my old students are there, it is nice to have familiar faces around, so I am not the total stranger and already I am getting to know others… Over all, it is a good environment and it is a nice reminder of how much I enjoy teaching... Though I will need to make some effort to teach some privates or something during the month of May.

Practice is okay. Yesterday I was feeling super tired, weak and stiff! I don’t usually feel stiff so that was surprising… Still I made it through fine. This morning it was better. I had more power, even though waking up part was still difficult. I guess waking up part is never so easy for me unless I am in Mysore and it is so hot that I cannot sleep and I just get antsy and hiper so the best thing to do is to practice… But then this time I am in much better situation because I don’t have a super long practice; therefore, I wake up at the same time I used to last year but I can take my time to actually wake up. I can do some hip openers, I can sit idly and try to open my eyes ☺ Then I am ready to do my practice. I even do some mini salutations as we used to do with Richard. Those are nice because they get you slowly into the movement, and the legs begin waking up…

Then… I am already making plans for August! I know August is far but I am very tempted about this one workshop. I feel similar to the time when I wanted to go for Nancy Gilgoff workshop, which I ended up going to and which had been very healing for me at the time… and now again I am feeling that this teacher will be helpful for me, so I will do it… really excited already!

Also…. I could not help smiling to myself today. I kept saying that I don’t want to travel in India again, that it is too difficult, too tiring, etc, etc… but then I found myself today looking for Gokarna and then I wanted to google “how to get from Mysore to Gokarna” thinking about my next trip already :p… dreaming is nice. I will see how the visa think will work out, what kind of visa they will give, how much time they will give to be in India and if that would leave sometime to explore…

Uhh my sister is stuck in London. She was suppose to be back yesterday from her trip but the ashes, the volcano, you all know… I hope it will not last too long. She left before I could spend sometime with her… and also it might be getting too costly for her.

Being back home...

Been back home since last Thursday. It was a long trip to get home. I took the taxi (well, that was a luxury…) from Mysore to Bangalore, about a 4-hour drive. The new Bangalore airport is really nice so I was happy to get there and I even did a last minute shopping :p… Then I flew to Bombay which felt longer than hour and a half, I donnu if it was longer… Then the flight to London from Bombay. That felt pretty quick and I was in London early morning. I was really happy to be at Terminal 5 in Heathrow. I got good coffee, I got some breakfast food (ok, I don’t think rabbits eat yogurt and granola so no rabbit food) then I went to Kiehl’s booth and got the dry argan oil they have and some more stuff. (dear Linda that was my retail therapy!) Kiehl’s is not cheap but I really like their products; I feel that the money I spent is well worth. After three hours I had to run to my flight to Istanbul, yes I was a bit late, himm I got into the plane 8 minutes before the flight, but then we had to wait around a bit, so I did not have to feel guilty... What torturous was that we had to wait in the air for a while after we arrived to Istanbul, I was very much over being in the plane, flying… After we landed it was pretty quick to get out of the airport, but then there was Istanbul afternoon traffic waiting for me… I thought my head was going to explode as I sat in the traffic. When I arrived home, it was nice though. My friend who subletted my apartment took good care of my place… and it just felt good to be home!

The first morning I practiced the primary series since it was a Friday, I did a very mellow primary and it was good. I was thinking I might practice Saturday since I skipped Thursday due to traveling but then I was just tired… lazy… Instead I slept and then met with my sister and went to see an art exhibition of a friend which was really funny… Sunday I went to Peter’s class and also today and also Tuesday. Sunday felt a bit intense, doing only second here for the first time after travelling… well it is not hot here yet and after coming from Mysore where it was super hot and had been practicing in the shala which was full of 70 people, it feels a bit different… still lucky that I had the chance to practice with others rather than alone my first few days. During the moon day, Wednesday, I practiced the standing sequence to one of the led classes by Richard from the Teacher Intensive, which was recorded by dear Sascha.

And today… I began teaching, covering for P who will be away for 10 days. I was a bit nervous last night because it has been 6 months since I stopped teaching… but it was all right. I guess now it is a natural environment for me… and then there are few more things to share since the intensive with Richard and Mary which makes it exciting... to my chance there were also two ladies who were newbies… that was fun…

A bit of Mysore afterthoughts...

Another trip to India came to an end. Each time the India experience is different and each time what is waiting at home is different. But first of all, I want to reflect on Mysore… Initially it was difficult for me because of the relationship stuff I was going through… It was too much drama; I was too tense, too anxious, to nervous… Even during the practice I was thinking of all this stuff that was going on between me and A… And at one point I got fed up and asked the rhetorical question “ Why am I here?” well, of course to practice at the shala with Sharath. So, then I realized that I have to get myself out of the situation I got myself into… and I did… after that, I begin to breath more freely, with less guilt… Then practice began to get more interesting, more inspiring… Moreover, after so long, I felt that someone was paying attention to my practice! Even though the shala was fully packed and there was a stream of students coming in and out, he was paying attention to me as well as he was to others. Then him moving me to intermediate led class and splitting my epic practice restored my confidence in my practice.. I have been beating up myself for so long, not feeling good enough for my teachers, for them to pay attention to my practice… So, it has been powerful, and transformative in some way, just like it has been with Richard… and actually reaffirming the same thing, that my practice is okay… just work hard but not get gloomy about it. Again realizing that practice should not make us gloomy, it is just a tool, one of the tools, to learn more about ourselves but not a place to begin another fight with ourselves… rite? And when Sharath says “be a student, be patient, you need to be a student many years, 10-15 years, you need to do one asana maybe ten thousand times to perfect it, be patient, be patient… and study yoga but no more physical practice after the morning practice, this is enough or it gets crazy… read yoga texts…“ and then one goes uhhh it is just a practice we do which is part of a whole practice and so don’t neglect the other parts of the whole…

Rabbit like

This week is uber hot in the shala. Yesterday was a very sweaty practice but today it was even more! I could feel the sweat dripping from my shoulders and arms already during Parsvakonasana. And today I did not have much power... and this is because I think my not eating much at all... With this heat, I think my Vata has been rising and rising (yes there is a Vata heat also) and I cannot eat much. Lunch has been very poor for the last few days and since Peter and Selin left, I do not go out to eat once in a while which would compensate for the other days. Therefore, at home it is carrots, cucumber, beetroot, raddish, one does not get more rabitty than this I guess :) Of course, I eat lots of nuts but being a Vata I don't digest them, after a certain amount, they just go out, otherwise I would be a size of an elephant. Well, I eat fruits but it says in The Hatha Yoga Pradipika that eating fruits only is not enough for a yogi... (Not that I claim to be a yogi, I am not sure if it will be possible this life time...) And this morning was an indicator that I actually need to eat some more. The good thing is that I am going home where it is not super hot so I will eat more. But the downside of this is I am already nervous about being home... Need to stay away from any kind of drama when I am there, from family dramas, from yoga scene dramas, from dramas in my mind...

Bakasana B come please....

This week passed to quickly practice wise. It was just not enough because still I cannot do Bakasana B, I jump forward but the top of the feet first touch the floor and then I pull them up. At least Sharath does not punish me about it as I have been punished before... However, in every led intermediate, he comes behind me during Bakasanas (!). Today I attempted two jumps and no good, so he said "Bad". Huhhh, I guess he expects me to do it and I feel that I should be able to do it at this point but something, something, it is not coming... what is it? is it really my mind as Rolf has been telling me? I feel like I have gotten stronger and something in me is restless, telling me THAT i CAN DO IT BUT IT IS NOT COMINNGGGG! yeah kind of obsessed about this but then I think that I should just let it go, yes I should try but not obsess about it, it is just an asana... I don't know, I am funny like that, for a while, I was making joke about myself, whenever something went funny in my daily life, I would say it is because I cannot do Bakasana B... well, maybe at some point it will suddenly happen.. . but any tips would be appreciated even though have read many of them which are out there...

Yeah, the led intermediate classes are really intense, he makes us really work hard, I feel my heart racing as we go through the postures and each time as I come to my last pose (now it is Dwi) I am thankful that I have lasted fine... This morning I really tried hard to keep the head up in Dwi pada and it was better than the previous days but I know he will keep me there because of Bakasana B :P.

Well, Sunday is cleaning day in our house but the cleaning lady did not show up this morning and then we asked the landlord if he knew anyone. He sent a man. I had to guide him a little and he did clean the floors. Just half hour after he left, the lady came and I had to tell her that we called someone else because she did not show up... She told me a reason why she came late but I did not understand, and we are leaving soon I said no more. But also last week we were not at home when she cleaned and I think she skipped some steps like mopping the floors and then she asked me for more money... well, what to do , I gave her the money...

So my last three days in the shala this week. Wednesday I will take off from Mysore... there is lots to say about how it has been practicing in the shala this time but I will wait until the end...

Rain fresh

It has been really really hot, and then the power cuts which meant no fan help, plus mosquitoes, I have been a bit impatient with India for the last week. And today it rained! to cool it all off. I can feel the effect in all, in the air first of all, then in my mind and then in people... This morning we met for breakfast for Gale who is leaving tomorrow. She will be coming to Istanbul in May, so we gotta prepare her for it a little... I don't think much preparation needed for those who has been to India anyways... After the breakfast I drove to Mysore city because I wanted to buy one of those zippered plastic bags. So I went to the Devaraj Market. The ground was wet, muddy, had to be careful while walking to not slip. I walked slowly, and got to my destination where I knew I would find the bag I was looking for. He said 85, I said 50, I got it for 60, probably I could get it for 50 but I did not want any drama... Then, I walked just outside of the market, got the fresh jasmines which were threaded on a string from the same man who sold them to me last time. I wandered a little bit further, looked at the shops which sell coffee but decided I will buy it from Jois Coffee shop which is in Gokulam. I went back into the market, walked through the flower sellers this time. As I walked by, one of them asked where I was from and I said Turkey, and then he said come and, I did not feel there was any ulterior motive, so I stepped back, he wanted something from the man behind him and gave me two small peach coloured roses and told me to put them in my hair, he asked my name, I told him my name and he repeated it and then I went on my way... This was a good moment, this little trip to the market made me see India with fresh eyes again, maybe it was the rain. Since I left Goa, it has been difficult for me sometimes, especially with Indian men. During the trip from Pondhicherry to Bangalore, the bus driver and the attendant getting really mad at Arnaud, the rickshaw drivers pulling us in every direction after we get out of every bus trip, the boy who grabbed my bum in the street, the guys who were driving towards my scooter to touch me, the man who spitted on my foot while I was walking in Mysore city... so I have been feeling more threatened than ever this time... But this morning, it was really calm n the market and the man who gave me those roses really didn't want anything more than knowing where I am from, what my name is and to see those flowers in my hair...

About the practice... The led intermediate classes now feel fine, I am getting the hang of them... On Monday something which was significant for me happened. As I went into back bends, I heard Sharath called my name for the very first time! He was yelling me "Dwi Pada, Dwi Pada, Ahu Dwi Pada". Him calling me with my name rather than just saying "you" was much more important than receiving one more asana. And today, again while I was doing back bends I heard him" Ahu, Ahu." and then when I was a bit slow in looking at him he said "Maya" (Peter says "so he knows both of your names!") and then he asked me "Dwi Pada, you did?" I told him that I did, he said "show me". Of course when he is looking I try to get into it faster and each time I go right foot first even tough I know it is left, ahh! Well, I am not so good at this, and plus getting into it faster, I was not able to raise my head so much while he was saying "head up, head up". The thing is one of the questions in my head is answered now... When P filled his application mentioning our plan and me, I was saying that he probably does not know my name or that I am from Turkey so it is fine... but yes he knows my name and I guess where I am from also... so what is next???

Maya

I guess one of the reasons I got so emotional the other day over my friend's email was that she named her little daughter Maya. Maya is my Osho sannyas name which I have used over the last three years and this was the name I was using when I met my friend. However, in the middle of Richard's intensive course, I decided to go back to my given Turkish name Ahu. The reason was the realization after Richard's talks that naming was a mind game, it was just distraction from the real experience. I told myself that if I wanted to show dedication to mediation and/or I want to make changes in my life, I just do it, I do not need to change my name to do this... Well, it can be a powerful and significant thing, name changing, and I guess it was at the moment when I did but now I can and have to do these things without any symbolism... Also, as I was sitting in the weekend long meditation during the Intensive, I realized who is sitting there was the same person, whom I was kidding? just have to do it, instead of creating distractions, that was it...

On the other hand, of course Maya is a good name. When I get home, I have to write some quotes from Ka where it talks about Maya, really nice... I am happy she named her daughter Maya...

rambling

I just got an email from a friend with whom I met during my last trip to Mysore. We were together only couple of weeks, then she left but during those couple of weeks, we spent good time, and get to know each other pretty well. She was staying with Gita and I also moved to the upstairs room at Gita's house and then when she left I took her room. And after so long she wrote to me today, and attached were the photos. Even before opening the email I knew it, I saw the attachment and thought that those must be photos of her and her baby(!?) I did not know that she gave birth but I always remembered her telling me that "Gita says girls who stay in this room always have daughters" in the room we both stayed.. And yes, she gave birth to a beautiful baby girl! As I was looking at her photos, suddenly this though passed in my mind "will I ever hold my own baby in my arms like this, so gently, so lovingly..." and I felt the sadness... I never thought that I wanted to have a baby. I cannot even maintain a healthy relationship, leave that to the side, I cannot even find/choose the right person. So I felt the sadness that it might never be possible for me, but the thing is I never knew I could be longing for this... There were all these selfish things to accomplish before, and those things to accomplish, would they ever be accomplished in this life time? Wanting to be free from relationships so I can float as I wish, no one should be on the way of my missions... then could there be any space, time for a baby? Maybe at the right time with the right one... not much more to say other than my friend looks beautiful with her lovely daughter.

Quiet week...

This was a calm week. Not much happening. The weather has been super hot and I have been feeling more tired and having an understanding of siesta culture... I even had a nap one afternoon! The practice has been okey, feeling more settled with it and today's led intermediate was less tortures... well Sharath's count is not exactly 5 breaths, more like 10 breaths, rite?... But no new postures yet... During led I am thankful that I finish so early but during Mysore classes I can for sure do more... I wonder how those guys pull off all that Karandavasana, Nakrasana, I guess you just put yourself on automatic gear or something...

On the other hand, Flora left this Tuesday for France. She decided to empty the house and I was suppose to move to another place but Mari's friend Sandra showed up and stayed with us couple of nights. She is here for a month, doing Bharath's TT. Just couple of nights before we both were suppose to move, I looked at her and said why don't we make an offer to the landlord for 3 more weeks since the rent was paid for most of March. I am here until April 7 and she is here until April 10, it could work out. So, just like that, the next day we talked to the land lord and he accepted our offer since he would not be able to find anyone at this time... The funny things is that I and my new flat mate are born in the same day, I am just one year older.

Tuesday, I went to this tailor who is a bit further away. The first time I went with Dev; Dev is the one who knows where he is. On Friday afternoon I was going to go back to pick up my stuff (yes that soon!) and on Wednesday I told Dev to pick me up but then he forgot. Therefore, I had to find the place own my own, and I did fine until very close but then got confused, called the tailor, with his little English it was difficult but he understood me somehow and then I told him that I am in front of the school, and he came there to take me to his place. Now, I know where he is exactly! And as I thought that I don't have more things to get done since I am trying to keep the luggage small, this morning I went to town with Sandra and her friends from her TT and got more fabulous fabric! Now I am stuck with them, I am not sure whether to make things here or take them home and get them made into something home... Here it is always a gamble. The dress he made is really okey but about the shirt he made I am still not sure.. so with these new fabrics, I really want everything to work good because I really like them... what to do, gotta a decide...

This week, I also began chanting at home after practice. Well, I am trying to be consistent with what I do after practice... After shavasana, if the changing room is not full, I stay longer to do the pranayama I learned from Rolf or I go home and do it but it is kind of nice to do it right after. Then I come home and I put one of the recordings from Richard's intensive and chant the mantras we were chanting. Kumar told me that chanting Gayatri mantra will help quiet my busy mind so I will add that also. I might as well go to Jayashri these last couple of weeks few times a week. Soon I will chant alone at home all I want, so I should take advantage of being here and get my lazy bum out to chant with other students... it is always more powerful, no?

Now I need to do my sanskrit homework and then it is conference time...

Bits...

Ohh well.. nothing so interesting lately... I have to say that I am a bit homesick these days... which is a healthy thing for me I guess. I have been struggling with being grounded lately. There is a bit of anxiety rising from wanting to go home but not exactly knowing how things will turn out when I am there. Maybe I should leave this to then, I mean I cannot really do anything about this now because it is a bit complicated... Anyways. Also, this journey I did not do much to stay grounded, not much effort to sit still, which is working against me. I used to be much better with making an effort to meditate and this time I have been very very lazy except some mornings sitting for 10 minutes. Actually, Osho Kundalini mediation to shake off my anxiety will work well.

The practice getting more settled, I am getting use to doing only second. The first few days were not easy, I was sore in many places as I mentioned but now soreness is gone but this time I have a bit off not so right sensation on my good knee also, which is worrying me but I am trying to be careful with it and not to over worry (if I can manage). but what is up with the knees!??! There was nothing with this one and then I began doing only second which is much more merciful on the knees but still something happens, I don't know what to make out of it. And something always happens here in Mysore, I wonder if there is some other reason to this beside the physical reality of it. uhh I donnu maybe not to read into it too much. Also maybe walking around too much with not so supportive sandals can be the cause... On the other hand, the intermediate led was still challenging second time and made me a bit nervous especially when Sharath came behind where I was during Bakasana! Ohh well, what to do, I try my best with Bakasana B but still I have to get more courage to jump high enough to not let top of the feet touch down...

By the way, I began Sanskrit Level I again. Lakshmish remembered me of course with his sharp memory... But he is still not giving homework, I want homework, it is so fun to do those things... he told me he will give me extra work since I have done this class before and I want to go beyond a bit more than level I. I also began studying what we have done with Richard in Boulder. I am listening to the recordings Sascha made. Of course sometimes I am lost because it is voice only and then Richard or Mary says you do this or that or the muscle is like this the bone turns this way... and if I do not remember what they are talking about I have no clue what they are saying :)... I should look up online to the photos people put up after the training, they might hold some light to me when I am lost.

Okey there is another thing. I have been going nuts about what to do when home, rite? and maybe I am saved from worrying about the first couple of weeks. After, arriving to Istanbul, few days later I might be covering P's morning Mysore classes for couple of weeks, so that will keep me busy. After that, maybe I can figure out what to do, how to do... there is no hurry really, why am I worrying so much? it is the Vata mind, needing some grounding.