Slump and full power...

Yesterday was a slump practice, even though I woke up much earlier than my alarm clock. Usually, if I wake up earlier, it means I am full of energy but yesterday, everything was effort. I thought himm maybe after Tias workshop, I am out of tune… or lost it all… By now, you should know I am a bit black and white person, can suddenly imagine everything is gone… but of course I see that now and kind of smiled to myself and went on and I went on doing it all, Marcihyasana B and D even, after 2 weeks of knee caution. Well, that was maybe a bit too early, I could feel the knee afterwards… I did not stick to my plan of slowly introducing Janu Sirsanas this week, and not half lotus postures yet… Yes, I am bad in that regard. Well, this morning I got up early again, around the same time. I realized I kept having rocking and sliding dreams just like Tias’s workshop. I guess all that rocking and sliding have some meaning, some healing so that I absorbed them so deeply… or my beloved moon in pisces sucked up all the energy in that room in the weekend so this is the after effects… I woke up but this time full power. Yes, the practice was full power, I did Janu sirsasanas; with Marchyasana B and D, I chose to back of… My energy was high and big and so it was effortless practice. But I had to remember that most likely tomorrow will not be like this or maybe it will be… With the knee, I have to be patient, I see myself how I am prone to pushing it. Wait another few days!

I also had some after thoughts… He was telling me about their 500 hour program, since I have done the 200 hour. They have a week-long training right before I go to Boulder. I got excited first but then… I am just really turned off with his “the teacher” mode, the distance he puts, lack of heart… You know Rolf is such a big heart! Makes one feel utterly comfortable, accepted… With him, I feel awkward, I don’t know how to approach, to say something after all that studying I have done with him… looks very uninterested. And I know he is full of great information, great teaching… but that is all the mind… which will die. And I can get the information, I will get the information needed in some way, but I guess not from him for now. Maybe this is too bold to declare, maybe I might need to eat my words later on but I want to say how I feel right now!

Tias one more time!

Tias is here one more time. He arrived on Thursday; I got to meet him today. I did translation during the workshop for people who do not understand English. It is not easy but was not as bad as I thought and at the last bit, one of my teacher friends took over, so I got to practice with everybody else ☺. It was a looonnggg day from 10 AM till 6:30PM. Tomorrow, it is also on but much shorter, from 10AM till 12:30PM only.

Today, Tias did very interesting stuff… less on the asana side but more on the reptile work of his… well more of the unwinding work. It was interesting and it looked like massage to the body and of course after translating all this while the students did it, I got envies… they looked like wow so relaxed… so I had to do it myself during the break! I think, now on, I can do all this instead of getting a massage. All the work was to release shoulders, to release the spine, the sacrum, the psoas… it is very nice work.

Lets see what he will do tomorrow. It will be on the cranium and I remember loving the cranium work during the training while in Santa Fe.

Farewell Guruji

Ten minutes ago, I learned from my friend Odin, who is in Mysore now, that Guruji has passed away. I am very sad but I also have to realize that this is how life is… everything is impermanent and we will all die…
Guruji was still teaching when I went to Mysore for the first time; therefore, I was lucky to have his direct teaching briefly. I thank him as I have done so many times from my heart for teaching this practice to so many people, to our teachers, to us… Love and light to Guruji... farewell...

Poison Ivy Girl

Ha, I have been down and up since Friday… I have been pretty nervous whole week about the knee. Then it was getting better as I said in my previous post… On Friday, I went to pick up the MRI. I took it to the doctor who looked at me two weeks ago. He was just finishing his shift for the day. He just looked at the report and briefly to the pictures and said you have micro tear on your meniscus! I was devastated. I asked if it heals and he said, “No, it does not heal… You can have an operation but I do not think you would be up for it, so you have to make your quads stronger.” I told him that my quads are pretty strong… and tried to describe the strength exercise I have been doing which M told me to do. His response was “you are on your knees when you have knee pain?”. I tried to tell him that I do not do anything that hurts my knee but he was frustrated, and I guess he was tired from the Friday shift and he told me that I will probably tear my meniscus fully if I go on like this :| I began feeling dizzy, faintly. I throw myself out of the emergency and ran to the other hospital which is across the street to make an appointment with the first doctor who examined me and requested the MRI. Then, I ran to do studio for the teachers meeting. S was there also, so I could cry to him and he was “it is okay, I had the same pain too, so I have it too then, what to do, we will continue to practice in a way we can…” It was great to have him there, because he is the only one who could understand me. Otherwise, I would sit there with this heaviness inside me, but having his support made me feel all right. Then I taught my class… After a drink with S and another person who took the class, I got home feeling very sleepy.

In the morning, I went to the hospital, with what will happen next mood… I went into the doctor’s office, he took the MRI pix on his bright board and the first thing that came out of his mouth was “Your meniscus is healthy”! I could not believe what I was hearing because I was just about to tell him, that there is this micro tear… He said that there is inflammation at the tip of the femur. I told him that I was told that there is micro tear in my meniscus, and the report, which came along with the pictures, also says something like that… He told me that he would not call this a meniscus tear, then he looked at the report and read it “there is an impression of micro meniscus tear…” His explanation was that he does meniscus operation; therefore, he knows how it looks really and he sees me and knows my symptoms and my symptoms do not match with a meniscus problem and the lab people only sees the pictures… they do not do operations nor see the patients… He told me that there is inflammation due to some trauma and pointed to the area exactly where I have the pain and he told me that it will heal in 3 to 6 weeks with resting the knee. I was so so so happy and so grateful! I believe he is correct because with one week of taking it very easy with the knee, it began feeling better. When I told him this, he said “so, two more weeks and you will be fine!”

I got out of the hospital on top of the clouds. Yes, I was overly excited, happy… I was so Vata, flying in the air! I know it is no good to go to such extremes. I could have thorn it and then what? I would have to deal with it, I was not going to leave everything. This whole experience taught me so much: I became much more attentive to the students with tight hips; I became much more aware that everything is impermanent and so I should enjoy what I have at the moment rather than longing for more or different; I realized that I have to keep going no matter what, the practice will be possible with or without injuries and will keep teaching me and nourishing me; I do not have to aim for the super duper always, just be happy that I can practice; take care of the body, be nice to the body and feed it well…

Then what happened? Well, David’s homeopathic treatment could go on since the problem seemed to match with his diagnoses and therefore, his treatment of poison ivy was relevant. He wanted to give me a large doze of poison ivy,then I would not have to take it everyday. He told me to pick it up from the studio. I went to the studio on my way to meeting Ken to explore the other side and asked if David left me a medicine. They gave me this small cone which had tiny tiny little pills in it, really tiny like mustard seeds. I thought for a moment, “is this the one I am suppose to take?” Well, the label said rhus tox which is poison ivy… so just like that, I swallowed the whole cone of tiny pills. Later, David called me to ask if I found the pills. Then he called again to ask if there were more of it and I said no. He also asked whether I touched it or not, no I did not…. Then he called me again and asked “Maya, how many you took?” and I told him that one cone. And David “Maya! you took the whole cone? You overdosed, you took so much! That is a huge amount of poison ivy, you were suppose to take only one of those!” He was kind of freaking and at the same time trying to stay calm and telling me that I am healthy and strong, so I should be okay and asked me whether I felt anything weird. I told him I was just feeling my lips a bit numb earlier and as I said this, I realized I was a bit high too ☺… so much poison ivy!!!! Then he called me one more time after I arrived home and he told me that if I feel any side effects, which I had to ask what they might be, to drink coffee, he said “side effects can be anything, if you get too angry, if you get too sleepy and cannot stand it… just go to Starbucks and begin drinking cups of espresso!” I was like “ha, that is why I did it, to have coffee finally!” Well I apologized for my goofiness. I was mostly concerned that I finished all this medicine which he was maybe going to give to other people as well! I guess I only got the sleepiness, the heaviness. Therefore, after teaching the led class, I came home with Flor for breakfast on my balcony and I had the coffee!!! Yeah it was great. But I know I should stay away from it until London. This was just not to be so dozed all they long with the over doze…

Better...

The knee is getting better! I realized last night that the pain was much much less and it was the same in the morning. I still did the modified practice but it made me think that it might be possible to add the janu sirsanas next week! Slowly, slowly….

Today was a Ikea trip with mom. I got a bookcase since I was trying to go along with a small one which did not hold all my books, so some of them has been laying on top of the small book case and in a box…

I also realized that I can be a real bitch sometimes. It is always tough to face such things… well what to do? just realize it and maybe it changes…

Lotus

A student of mine got into lotus today for the first time! She was all glowing when I looked toward her and then she pointed to her legs and quietly said “First time, lotus” I could feel her excitement so well! I got as excited as she was!

Me, on the other hand, doing okey. Continuing with the modified practice. This morning I was really full power as Rolf would put it. But so much in primary now is all modified; still my energy was really high… Well, got to do what you got to do, rite? But the weird thing is my right knee began feeling funny also!? I began thinking that this is all beyond physical. As usual with me, it might boil down to some emotional stuff. Kumar is probably smiling… Still I am worrying. What if I have some joint disease? Okay, after this thought, I just wanna go back to getting excited for my students lotus, which is much more positive.

Full moon weekend

Friday was the MRI after my evening class… But I will not get the results until this Friday… so more waiting. The same evening my friends came over, we had a nice time talking, looking at Mysore style book, drinking some wine… I was able to stay up and be calm to my surprise. The full moon of next day as already making itself felt on Friday, so I was a bit uneasy, a bit scared due to the knee MRI, a bit like “himm I am not sure if I can socialize” but it turned out just fine. We had a nice time and it was better than sitting alone with my anxiety.

Saturday was the full moon. I went to the “Ecological Market”. I was not planning to go there this week but then, Ken the Rolfer just arrived to Istanbul and he asked me if I would want to meet him and his assistant there, and I of course would. I had to wait for them quiet a while tough… because they got lost ☺ lost for an hour… Istanbul can be hard to figure out, even for me, especially if you are trying to find somewhere like ecological market because not so many people know about it, they don’t even know what ecological market is..,. My first time to the market this year, I took a cab to get there because I did not remember where it was since I have been there only once. Of course the cab driver did not know where it was either, but I thought we could figure it out on the way. At one point, he asked me what is ecological market and I said that they sell produce grown without hormones, pesticides etc… and he said “produce with hormones?” he just understood the other way around… I try to briefly explain again. Organic food is a very new phenomenon in Turkey… It is growing more and more of course, but just for the upper and middle class… I guess that is like that in most places.

Well, it was very nice to meet Ken again. He will be in Istanbul for a while. It is always a pleasure to talk to him since he is a well of information. I told him about the knee… He said it might be meniscus :| he gave me some tips about how to modify my practice. After I told him how tight hips most of my students are and that they are having knee problems he was like “ahh you are looking to it from other way around, it is not your knee! “ well, yes, I am like that, I took on other people’s stuff very easily. For instance, last year, one of my students told me that they have pain at the back of their knee whenever they do ashtanga and that was very new to me, I said that I never have that… and of course next day I began having pain at the back of my knee which lasted for couple of months… I am like that…

Sunday was mother’s day lunch with my family. We went to a nice restaurant by the seashore. The weather was beautiful; we sat outside and enjoyed our lunch. Then I got home, I was very sleepy… I am feeling overly sleepy these days. I went to bed at 8PM and slept like a log until 3:45AM this morning… and I was still very sleepy but I managed to get up, practice and teach. I wonder if it is because of the homeopathic medicine David gave me or no coffee due to the medicine which is making me this much sleepy… Luckily, the practice usually wakes me up at some point of the practice. Sometimes it happens much faster, like during sun salutation and sometimes it happens much later, but it happens...

Ohh did I tell that I got the Visa to UK and then the ticket to London was already bought! I am looking forward to this vacation and I am hoping that I will have a healthier, happier knee by that time. Maybe it is too soon to expect this, but I put the intention, send the message to universe and to myself…

Fear of...

I have been on and off this week. Had a disappointing moment regarding some really childish stuff… and got upset for being used as an excuse… Using someone else’s name as an excuse is really not nice, not respectable, especially when what is being said has nothing to do with the reality of the person you are using. But what do I do in such a situation? I got angry and upset and sad but decided not to do anything… I cannot correct other people’s wrong; I can only try to correct my own wrong doings I guess. And this whole thing made me thing that I might be doing something wrong. If some people thing that they can use me like this, then yeah I guess I have been doing something wrong in my relationship with them. Maybe I look too naïve, too soft, or I gave them a right to do all this, they thought I would think alike them… So, I just try not to react, and hopefully response… now it is just quiet.

Other thing is that today, I will get my MRI taken for the left knee. I am a bit nervous. Okey, to be honest, I am really nervous. Well, for the last couple of days I have been only doing standing asanas and my second series asanas, plus some knee strengthening exercises and no lotus... Decision made by me and M on a facebook chat session. He told me to do the knee strengthening exercise before Ustrasana, Laghu Vajrasana and Kapotasana. So, for the first time really, I am not practicing primary and I am not sure this kind of modification is orthodox. On the other hand, David gave me the homeopathy medicine, rhus tox, which is poison ivy, which also means the beginning of "no coffee days" :( but should do at least this much to heal, rite? With all this, the knee is actually feeling better already, but also I am not trying any postures which have been painful for the last couple of weeks, so maybe that is why I thing it is feeling pretty good…

However, the real issue is that I am really scared! Yeah makes sense right? Knee pain signifies fear! So, I am scared of not being able to do my practice… I am scared of having a serious injury… on and on… and all this shows my FEAR which has probably been there much before the knee pain. Yes, honestly, I am very attached to my practice. I know this is no good but knowing is not enough, is it? So now I am living it, I am really experiencing, feeling the fear… and I also see I am trying to work it out, I am trying to soften and realize that this will be a good teacher to me. Teaching me to see what Rolf was telling me that practice is not the whole life, and then, when I was so frustrated with Baksana B, they were telling me this is humbling for me since everything else is easy for me… and now, I am seeing how it is when everything else also not so easy… and understanding the gratitude that I should have for my abilities instead of beating myself up so much for my failures… and I am also realizing that there will be times when practice will not be possible, maybe it will be partial maybe not at all… life’s circumstances will ask you to adapt and then you have to adapt no matter how devoted you are to your practice…

I am also anxious about Guruji… I had little personal contact with him when I went to Mysore first time… that was the last year he was really teaching… I think I have been very fortunate to have his touch, his teaching even if it was for a brief time. I realize that we will all pass away when it is the time, and so I send my prayers and gratefulness to Guruji for teaching to our teachers and to us this practice which helped make some of our lives more meaningful!

Trip planning...

Yey, I purchased my ticket to London! It was reserved until tomorrow… I was going to try to extend the reservation time since I am applying for the visa tomorrow… but Dad stopped by today and he told me to just get the ticket, he said “ the visa will come, you have time, get the ticket, don’t miss it!” so I got it! and it is an award ticket from Turkish airlines, I just had to pay for the taxes. It is kind of half way set, my little vacation. Ohh so excited!
Then, the assistant at the studio just called me for few private classes for a company! My first private! Good luck to me! That might und my trip maybe or a new Mac which I seem to need already ☺

Ohh, also I gave some India pictures to be developed, I will frame them and hang them around! and I gave the Mysore style book to have its beautiful cover to be made to a poster like photo! That will be really nice if they can manage to do a good job. I love that photo of Rolf, the expression on his face is so deep...

Full week, whole week

Yes I have been very quiet this week… Well, my mind was busy with stuff… some stuff related to health… some stuff related to travel…

First, I had the dentist shock and then de-shock… The cap over my root canal which came out in Mysore and replaced by Dr. Kuttapa popped out like a coke bottle cap and so I had to go to my dentist… He made a new one but they wanted to charge me a huge amount of money… it was the cap he made which broke in the first place, it was just a year old maybe… Of course, I was shocked with the amount of the bill and I did not have the required money with me at that moment. After I got home, we called the dentist back to make sure about this price… and contrary to his secretary, he told us that I was not to pay anything!!!! Good thing we rechecked it; otherwise, I would pay a large amount for something that I was not suppose to pay for.

Then my knee… been bothering me, bothering me… David did a homeopathy session but he never gave me the medicine to cure it. Therefore, at the end, I had to give up and go to a regular doctor. I went to a private hospital by my house to see a doc and he wanted MR but that was soo expensive in that hospital, I had to walk out and go to the non-private Emergency hospital across the street to have it done… That was a mad house. I waited for 2 hours, watched the people. Not cheerful environment at all… Then I made friends with the two pairs of daughter-mom… One of the mothers was a reiki master. She gave reiki to my knee and told me some ways to protect myself from negative energy; one way is using rock salt. (I have reiki 2, why am I not using reiki on my knee? Uhh…) Well, then at the end of 2 hours, I got to get examined by the cute young doctor. He did almost the excite same examination the doctor in the private hospital did where I was charged more than ten times for his examination. The cute doctor was much nicer and receptive of my yoga practice. He also wanted a MR, which costs much less, like less than 1/10 of the private hospital… But of course I waited 2 hours and the MR will be done next Friday, not like right at the moment as it would be in the private hospital. This showed me that I need to get a health insurance… The reiki master mom told me that health insurance is not so expensive compare to the bills they charge for one thing in the private hospitals…
Of course this whole experience was something… like a reality check. How I and my family and people around me live compare to all those people I got to watch in those 2 hours seemed totally different. The circumstances, the drive of people seem all different. Really old, sick people in the hospital beds been taken from one place to another… one grandfather being visited by his grandchildren and he was distributing all these cookies and candy to children, even to us… then the man who tried to hit the secretary who would not want to take him for examination because the time for examinations were over, he was late… then the Doctor who examined me called me “my teacher” when he heard I was teaching yoga, and I shyly told him I am also a student.. He said he wants to try yoga. I was so ashamed because his work circumstance compare to mine was totally different, reverse, difficult and the way some patience were treating them, telling them they were being paid salary by their money and they had to serve them and serve them and serve them… and in fact, he mumbled his salary at one moment and yeah it is very minimal. I thought of the doctor in the private hospital… how much more he makes… probably he is more experienced, he probably does operations. This young doctor examined my knee the same way, I hope he is also as good and he also gets to work in a private hospital and earn more accordingly for his skills at one point... Well, with the knee, it hurts, kind of worse, and there is bruising over the knee towards the inside and then same kind of bruise with the right one also appeared. What is going on with my knees? I also think of it as more emotional? Knees symbolizes fear? Fear of what? Ohhh I doonuu… I just know that I want healthy knees…

Then, planning to visit London for a week at the end of May. That has been tricky so far. A friend told me that I can stay with her but then she kind of back down or something like that. She has some traveling coming up and she does not know her excite dates and then it was a bit weird at the end with the communication. Therefore, I was almost giving up the idea of going until I came across a friend from Mysore at facebook chat. He also lives in London. I was telling him I want to visit London but not sure if it will happen and he aid ohh come and stay with me…. I was like “u sure?” It turned out he is sure and he gave me the information I need for Visa application right away and I applied for the Visa that I need to visit almost most countries… Hopefully, it will be all set and I will be in London to see and study with Cary, socialize a bit with other ashtangis, go around the city, have a bit of a vacation to feed myself and to come back and teach full power!

Now, time to decide whether I want to do an Inversions and Back bending workshop with Nicol this afternoon.. I am kind of lazy...

After thoughts

Reflections on a conversation with a friend… It really struck me when P. said something similar to “ they look good maybe but do they feel good inside? Maybe a perfect looking trikonasana but how do they feel inside or do they feel at all?” I hung on to these words and some more for several reasons. One reason was his openness and his natural way, easy going way, even making me relax at the very moment, reminding me why I love yoga in the first place. Another was that he reminded me something I realized while I was in India… When I arrived to India and began practicing I realized that how I was beginning to get obsessed with alignment when I was back at home teaching. I think one reason for this was the reputation of ashtangis for having bad alignment. I was afraid of being judged by others with how I teach and how students look, so I was getting obsessed with alignment in class and also in my own practice… this was a bit silly and again obsessive but I was concerned nevertheless… and then when I got to India, I relaxed and recognized this obsession. And now, I ask, how far one can get looking perfect in a pose? Is there a limit to making it look better and better? Isn’t the actual key feeling comfortable in the pose? I donnu… this is rather a tricky question to answer. For sure, alignment is important and we cannot dismiss the certain rules; however, after some point, we also have to let go, otherwise I might be in Warrior 2 for a whole day or two… the knee, the back leg, the pelvis, the torso, arms… but then enough already just breath….

Well, so how do we feel inside, how does yoga makes us feel or the realization of how we feel while practicing… I guess these are the fundamentals…

Then when P. mentioned “learning in silence” I went aha that is what I could not put into words… I kept saying “there is this magic in Mysore, I don’t know if it is the energy of the shala or the energy of practicing with so many people…” kept on “Practicing with all these people you begin doing things that you were not able to do, you see things and then some how you also start doing them…” Well the short way of saying all this is “Learning in silence”! and when it is put in this way, it is even stronger.

What else… The winter made a come back to Istanbul ☹ It has been rainy, cold, even little snow I saw yesterday… This makes it harder to go out of the house early in the morning, but I suppose these are the last bits of the winter, and the sunshine will come back very soon.

Another's breath and etc...

Another week. So far so good. Students seem full power this week. It makes me happy and tired ☺ in a good way like tired from working not tired from boredom…
My own practice is fine. I realize that the days Flor comes to practice early is kind of blessing for me. I really like the company of another while practicing even if they are at the other corner of the room. Just hearing another breathing… My energy really gets a boost.

I am slowly but consistently reading the Zen mind Beginners Mind. I read one or two chapters everyday and also go over the previous chapter I read each day… I try to really absorb what Suziki was saying. I liked yesterdays chapters, practicing without any aim otherwise we miss the practice, we are always trying to catch up with our aim. HE is talking about the zazen practice but I think it is true for all practices… And I am sitting each day even if it is for 5 or 20 minutes…

With the practice, I feel like something different with jumping up but I feel that
I think this every week… so now I am not getting excited or discouraged, just jumping. But I have to share this about yesterday, before jumping to Bakasana B, I imagined Rolf standing in front of me to catch me as he does, and wowoow I jumped really high and over, it felt like almost! I was giggling afterwards because I really saw that I was scared like Rolf was telling me ☺

the weekend...

I had a very nice Saturday yesterday in spite of it being coffee free day! Yes, the whole week was very heavy energetically and also emotionally… maybe due to mars Uranus conjunction, and Saturn slowing down… well it was tough but I made it, we all made it…

Yesterday I met with the other ashtangi in town. I am very grateful for having him as a friend. Spending time with someone who is also on the same journey, and sharing experiences with him are really priceless. I am also learning a lot from him just by talking. He is very inspiring and true to the practice. I am very happy that he is teaching here in Istanbul also.

Yes, yesterday was coffee free and I slept until 10:10AM!!!! Crazy right! Well, I guess I needed it, the body needed it… I also went to bed early again, and woke up just before 5AM this morning. On Sunday mornings, I do not go to the shala to practice because the vibe outside is not nice, I guess due to Saturday night out goers… I am not in any way against going out at night but the vibe is really different and a bit scary than other 4AM mornings of the week… Therefore, I decided to practice at home on Sunday mornings, and my house needs it anyway, energy wise. My own practice was okey, maybe a bit more power is needed… but it was fine. Then, went to the shala to teach the talk through class…

Today is a very sunny Sunday, and there is a birthday to attend!

Energy shift

I woke up this morning pretty sleepy… But I was not bothered by it because I knew it already, it is the heavy energy of Saturn this week… Got to the shala in the dark and began practicing slowwwlllyyy… But then at one point something happened, something significant and I became full power as Rolf would put it. Yes, I really felt that my energy changed, got lifted up and at the same time, I realized I was feeling pretty good, like no trace of the depressed mood I have been recently… I doonu what happened, what made this difference. But the first thing came to my mind was the pranayama/meditation class of David I attended after my own class... During the day, I also practiced at home the ashtanga pranayama I learned from Rolf and then sat for meditation for a while… so it was double dose of all… maybe that was the key. And I did double dose because In Zen Mind Beginners Mind Suzuki says:

“Actually the best way to relieve your mental suffering is to sit in zazen, even in such a confused state of mind and bad posture. If you have no experience of sitting in this kind of difficult situation you are not a Zen student. No other activity will appease your suffering. In other restless positions you have no power to accept your difficulties, but in the zazen posture which you have acquired by long, hard practice, your mind and body have great power to accept things as they are, whether they are agreeable or disagreeable.
When you feel disagreeable it is better for you to sit. There is no other way to accept your problem and work on it….
When you are sitting in the middle of your problem, which is more real to you: your problem or you yourself? The awareness that you are here, right now is the ultimate fact. This is the point you will realize by zazen practice….”

So, I decided to sit at noon to see what happens. Then at night, when I was sitting with all the other people in class, I kept asking myself what is more real: my so called problems or myself who is sitting here right now? Maybe it worked or my stars shifted in the morning and I became full power with better mood, energetic and joyous :)… and I guess it was pretty noticeable...

Moping is no fun, but it happens...

I am not going to pretend that all is fine with me. I am a bit depressed for the last couple of days… the marks of that is already in my previous post anyways…

What to do, what to do? Lots of things are churning within me…
But at the same time, I am trying to look at all this and stay calm, take it easy, not panic, try to get inspired from my lovely ashtangi friends and my teachers. Trying to keep in mind that they also probably struggled at some points but kept going and believing that their devotion will bring light.
Therefore, I am trying find lightness within… yes, it is a bit heavy inside…

But then, there are things like my friend trimming the dry ends of my hair yesterday which was very nice… I am growing the hair, resisting the temptation to cut it… but with Goan sunshine and ocean, it got beaten up, so a trim was what needed. My friend also told me to put a bit of oil on it everyday… Moreover, when I was over my friends' place, I got to pet this super cute white dog… she was like a cartoon, puffy, very hairy, snow white, thick ears!

Then, I am reading Zen Mind, Beginners Mind. I read half of it some years ago… I guess, at that time, I was not really getting it or able to stay focused, now I enjoy it very much. Reading this book also seems to be helping with the current state of the mind…

Well, this will also pass… I trust…

Self doubt

I am starting to get discouraged about this whole trying to teach here, in this city, at CY. Maybe I am not suppose to say this so openly but this is how I feel in this very moment. I feel like I don’t fit in… there are too many opinions against ashtanga and I donnu what to say about it all…

Yesterday, I was feeling quiet down anyways… I felt that I am missing India a lot, and I began thinking to go back before October. To be honest, my goal is not being a popular yoga teacher or something. I am only looking for yoga and the teaching is by product of it… otherwise, it is presumptuous maybe. I do not like attitudes of I know it all anyways… I am a student in the very first place… and I love what I do, I love what I am studying and then I try to share it with all the love I have. But it seems like maybe it is not working… maybe love is not the way to approach yoga here…
Well, self doubt is knocking on the door just like my astrology prediction described… maybe I have to keep going, not give up so quickly, just believe in what I do, just watch it all and not get involved so emotionally…
let me be strong universe! then maybe I get B.B. as well...

Full Moon Power

Happy full moon! I feel like this full moon is full of energy, which makes us see our potential… I taught two classes yesterday, one was the regular morning Mysore class and then I had a regular class during noontime. My own practice in the morning felt “full power” as Rolf would put it. There was nothing extraordinary happened, like me jumping into Bakasana B or handstand but it was a quiet stable, grounded practice…
Then, in the afternoon, I had a massage, which I booked in the beginning of the week. I really needed one… it was very nice.
But the real story….
At night, as I was being full moon wild, not going to bed at 8PM. In the mids of this wildness, I got a call from someone who came to my class during noon. She called me to share her experience during and after the class. First, I got it totally wrong because when she said the practice was strong I thought “shoot, I screwed up and did a too strong class for B2 level…” But then I realized that she meant it was strong in a sense that it was healing and opening and clearing for her… She is someone who had been doing ashtanga on and off for a long time but because of some injury she stopped and she only sometimes practices… And yesterday, she even did a backbend, which I was not expecting because her injury was on her back. She also mentioned this, how she was scared of backbends but yesterday she did it and realized she is strong enough to do it and she can actually open up and do it! Of course during this whole conversation I was nervous, and excited and surprised… She told me that I have peaceful energy and she is happy that I teach ashtanga here and that I should keep on and that she is excited for me that I am going to R.F. training and finally she said please don’t go away to India… Well… after this talk I was shaken up a bit… and then again, one more time I felt the power of this practice. The way it touches people… I mean, of course, it was not me who made her have that experience, the healing, detoxifying, empowering practice… She decided to come to class; she came and she flowed with her breath, then she got the courage to do a backbend and realized that she can do it. In a way, the practice transformed her energy. She let the practice work on her.

I believe that the grounding power of this practice is very strong. It makes one to go on, makes one to hold on and be strong. At least, for me, one the most powerful aspect of this practice has been this. But this is not the only one, it also shows us how we have all these limitations in our minds about what we can and cannot do. We actually have no idea of what we are capable of doing, we judge ourselves too harshly sometimes. I know that this is the case for me… It was the case when I was trying to do my backdrops, I was so scared and thought I can not do them at all… Indeed, before coming drop backs, when I saw Marichyasana B not even D, I was like hahah you think that knee will come down and then I will bind?!… and then the first time, I bind to lotus, it was maybe for a breath but I was so excited and surprised… And now I have been trying and struggling with Bakasana B and jumping into handstands with two legs… My initial response was ohh it will never happen, ohh I am not strong enough, ohh I do not know how to jump up… and on and on… and I was so frustrated so discouraged with myself and I was feeling so weak which made me judge myself so much. I felt like a looser, and even quitting practice passed my mind when I was in Goa struggling with all this. The practice was already more emotional than physical… First month I told Marci I won’t try handstands anymore because I cannot do them, something happened that I cannot even kick to the wall for handstands… because I was so nervous, I was afraid that I could not do it, and of course I could not. But then a month later I asked for help from Marci for Bakasana B and then yes I had to begin practicing jumping into handstands with two feet again. She told me to not judge myself and just play with it like kids do. She said just try everyday and be playful about it like we would do when we were kids and she said that at some point, you will be so tired of not being able to do it that you will do it… I am still waiting for that moment. Some mornings, I ask myself “aren’t you tired of not being able to do it? just do it and get over with it…” so then I jump harder with more commitment… I also remind myself I keep practicing and when my body and my mind, shortly myself is ready, it will happen. And so just like that, last night, I dreamed that I did it, and the funny think it just happened, there was no such huge physical effort to it, it happened very lightly, smoothly. This is my third such dream! Maybe it means I am getting closer and closer. They say that if you can dream it, you will do it! I feel like this is all full moon power, showing me and many others like me that there is more to what we can do it.

In fact, all this is not limited to asana practice. I see now that we usually have no idea of the extent of our effect on other people. I had no clue that yesterday’s class could touch someone like it did, but also I think she had no clue how she touched me either. Yesterday during the day, many hours before this talk, for several times, I taught to myself that how lucky I am to have someone like her, who can actually be my teacher, coming to my classes. I kept thinking that she is such an example of humility and grace and that I should learn from her. I guess I was right because she showed me more than I was aware of.

Then, I guess, there are ones who overestimates themselves but that is another story which I cannot elaborate on…

Don't care anymore...

Yey, I don't care much anymore about this trademark stuff... well, if I can, I will object the process because I think we should be free to say we teach Ashtanga Yoga, Hatha Yoga, whatever Yoga but now I also believe that they cannot really prevent us and yes there will be the threat of a large some of fine if they want to enforce this right which they might own... well, I guess universe will take care.. whatever is suppose to happen will happen.

By the way this change of daylight saving time change really knocked me out... I feel tired... that biological clock does not adjust so fast.

I just bought beautiful flowers, my first flowers for my new place!

And yes, my left knee is still not good. Have to do some serious taking care of... I have been going to Yin Yoga classes once a week to open the hips more, but I guess once a week is not enough... well I do some hip openers before practice as well... and also Maha Narayan Taila oil is not working much either... himmm I cannot remember how it happened? it began in Mysore.... need to back of more seriously I guess.

Patent what????

Yes, I am freaking out!!! A friend told me that someone is trying to patent the names Hatha Yoga and Ashtanga Yoga in Turkey! That is B.S. and big time with capitals! Who can think that they have such a right?!!! And I Google searched for this person’s name and it is a GYM in Ankara!!! They don’t even have Yoga classes! Even if they did, it does not matter! How can they do such a thing! I still cannot believe! I am so frustrated, fired up at this point! And you might ask how this friend knew about this… Well that is another thing because he is trying to patent the names Power Yoga and also I think Vinyasa Yoga… and we see how things get distorted in some places… oohh there is some yoga began happening in Turkey finally and happily but, there has to be a but unfortunately, suddenly all these people see the right to own it for themselves and without forgetting to try inhibit it for others! To those out there who do not realize it That is NOT Yogic at all! Moreover, “you might be a true yogi but sorry this is real life” crap does not cut it for me either. First of all, I am not true anything, I do not even imagine to being close to a yogi… and second of all even Pattabhi Jois did not patent Ashtanga Yoga, he says yoga is for everyone,he says "it is universal, not one man's property", so who are they to patent it!... I wish an end to this foolishness!

I even called Yoga Sala, the other school where they also teach Ashtanga Yoga. So, hopefully, we will be able to prevent such thing! The owner of YS will do some research… and he guesses if we object, then they cannot get the patent! Please cross all the fingers for us!

Writing for clarity...

Time to write… Time to write to be clearer. As I write things usually became clearer, and they either dissolve or they become more solid.

By the way, happy moon day! Yeah very much needed moon day! Yesterday, I was pretty dizzy in the beginning of my practice, a bit heavy, felt like new moon, lazy energy. In the days I feel sluggish, after I begin the sitting positions, I usually recover from the dizziness and low energy… but standing postures makes me feel like uhum what am I doing? Well, still I was feeling a bit tired after practice while teaching and I had to teach another class after the Mysore class… which in fact helped me lift my energy. Surprisinging for myself, I was clear and precise … as oppose to being all over the place which can be expected during those low energy, low motivation days. Expect the unexpected, always? Well, actually the day turned out to be a full on day. After my class, I saw David who came from the hospital. They had a baby boy! He asked me if I wanted to go back to the hospital with him to see the baby and Zeynep and of course I could not say no since I wanted to very much! Yes, the baby is beautiful, and pretty grown up! We say Masallah in Turkey.

Afterwards, in the evening, there was a talk by Godfrey Deveruex on Patanjali’s Yoga Sutras. He is a very smart and has interesting interpretations… At the end of his talk, I thought that they all give the same message, tell the same thing, “Everything is perfect, you are perfect, we are perfect, just relax and realize this fact…” Yes, Osho also always tells this… To be honest, Osho is the one who touches me the most with his speech. Anyways… so it was a night of getting together and listening to a Yoga master. I got terribly sleepy because of the heaviness I felt all day, not really because of waking up early, because I have late Friday nights usually and I feel okey. It is the new moon laziness, I am telling. And this morning my left eye feels like swollen, or a bit closed. I donnu why but the first thing came to my mind was feminine issues are crying out, maybe need for love which I do not acknowledge. Well love is all around us, we only need to recognize it, so I need to recognize! I really liked the way Godfrey explained how intimacy is in the nature; for example, the oxygen which penetrates to our cells all day long, how intimate that is…

What else… yes, travel plans already! I know I am an ambitious one when it comes to making travel plans for my studying… I guess we, ashtangis, are all a bit like that. I was thinking what if I go to India directly after the Colorado trip. Can I get an Indian Visa when I am there? I looked up, it seems like I can apply through mail in the States. Therefore, during the training, I can just send my passport and get it back until the training ends… and then fly to India straight from the States instead of getting back to Turkey and then flying to India. This also might mean that I can rent my apartment for a straight out period beginning from the time I leave for Colorado. Is this good thinking or too ambitious? I think it can be considered.

Lets not forget New Moon wishes!
Happy resting and happy practices tomorrow!