Back from Berlin

I got back from Berlin last night. It was such a blessing to meet Nancy and study with her even if it was just for 9 days. This was just what I needed, I cannot believe that I have considered not going because of hassle of getting a Visa, etc… This workshop was the best thing I have done this year. It provided me the support I needed so much and made me feel good about my practice instead of apologetic. Nancy’s traditional approach is very nice and suits me just right. Her explanation of the way we do things and why we do them in ashtanga is very informative, and also her stories of studying with Guruji are great! This was such a learning from the source kind of experience. The best thing about Nancy is that she does not hold back information or people from moving forward with their practice. She teaches in the way Guruji taught them when they were learning in 1970s, so she is not conservative with introducing more advainced series to students. On the other hand, Nancy is very humble; she does not have that aura of unreachable teachers. She asks other people’s opinion when answering a question, but ultimately she is very clear. Therefore, I am relieved from confusions, which drew me nuts this past few months…
I don’t know, I don’t remember how I found out about this workshop but it was one of the things that was sent on my way to encourage me, to recharge me… The first few days, I kept repeating how happy I am that I came to this workshop. Also, practicing with other devoted people every morning was so good, and inspiring. I have been missing the company of such a group of people. Of course, now I am back to lonely practice one more time, but I should be charged a bit to go on by myself for a while. I will write more about what we have discussed during the workshop…

Decisions...

I kept having some dreams about my coming up journey… So, tomorrow I will be off to Berlin! I am trying to stay calm and not expecting too much so no disappointments…
On Thursday, I woke up with no chest pain. My friend from London dedicated her practice to me on Wednesday, so I guess it really worked! At least, reading her mail which told me that she would do this, warmed my heart so much it probably melted down some stickiness, whatever I had in my chest… Well, it mildly came back after the practice but I now know that it is part of the change that I have made with my chaturangas….
Ohh with my chest x-ray I saw the reality about my spine! Well, actually, first my doctor pointed out (with a bit of scorn) look at your spine, doesn’t yoga fix that? And there it was my curved spine… Therefore, Tias was correct about my scoliosis. He actually spotted it the first instance he saw my headstand. I bow in front of such eyes. But does that mean that I will never able to reach enlightment since I will not be able sit with a straight spine in meditation :)))
Well, I also decided to go ahead and do Eric’s TT, since it is here and I am (hopefully will be here) here and it will hopefully add more to my skills. The first part, we have already done last March, the second part is 3 months long (on Saturdays plus 3 led classes during the week) and for the third part, Eric’s teacher Suddha will come from Chicago for a week. However, I still am not so sure about my decision… One reason is Tias coming in May for few days including the weekend and I really want to attend his workshops when he is here. I mean the man comes all the way from Santa Fe! Such an opportunity! So, I do not know if it is okey to I skip one weekend of the training… the other is the led classes… I wish he would make some of it self-practice classes instead of the led classes all the time. I mean if these people in the TT want to become teachers, they will need to develop a self-practice, rite? But Eric says people do not like it… but this is a bit weird… then maybe this should not be called TT… and why it is all about pleasing people? and he can add self-practice to regular schedule, not taking away from the led classes, but lazy maybe, huh? okey I know I am going of the edge. But this is how I feel. Maybe this training is not for me… ahhh…

Dreaming of Berlin workshop

I had a dream about the coming Nancy G. workshop last night. It was the first night, there were people whom I do not know and mostly male contrary to workshops in Istanbul. I guess I was practicing and Nancy began eating her dinner but after few bites she set it aside and began practicing third series next to me and then stopped kind of abruptly. I was of course amazed but then curious why she stopped, I figured maybe it was enough for that day with traveling and all. I guess those third series asanas, such as Koundinyasana were stuck in my head from last night when I was cruising through the pictures and thinking ohh my god I will never get there and if I do one day, yes that should be extremely humbling! But then when I finished primary series and was doing Pasasana, Nancy asked how far I go in second series and I explained to her that I haven’t been to traditional Mysore class since I moved back to Istanbul and there is non to go to… but I said I am able to do Kapatonasana and previous ones but not sure if I do everything properly. And there was someone else, a man there, and he was saying that after kapotasana, there are very difficult asanas that I would not be able to do… Well, it was a weird dream, the setting, the people, the practice… hopefully I will check out to be healthy today after my Dr. appointment and can continue getting excited…
Okey, I have been to the doctor and nothing is wrong with me. So I am excited!
Today is the solar eclipse in Virgo, which is my sun sign, and I read somewhere that it will be good for us Virgos to right

Take a deep breath in

My chest had been still bothering me yesterday. I taught my gentle class and I was not sure whether to go into the led class or not, but I also wanted to see what would happen when I do practice. Eventually, I went in. It was most painful with chaturangas, with everything else I was all right. Actually, the windows were closed in the room because of me (the sicko) and therefore the room got really warm and my back was really open at the end for back drops… After class, I felt like my pain was much less. This morning, I woke up with the pain again but I did my practice. Again, it was chaturangas where I felt it the most. I guess my body still might be adjusting to new way of doing chaturangas. It has been almost a month since I switched to the new way but who knows… After shoulder blades maybe it is the chest what is suppose to ache. But I will still see a doctor because I am going away for about 10 days and I do want to make sure that I am okey before I leave. The doctor asked for a picture of my lungs, and today I went to the hospital to get them and the lady who was taking it asked me to take a deep breath in and hold it. It was a bit strange since I do not remember being asked this outside of a yoga class for the longest time. So, I took my deep breath. Hopefully it is nothing important… I cross my fingers.

Chest pain

Friday, the practice was difficult for me because the minor chest pain I had for few days, began to really bother me. I had this pain on my left side initially but yesterday, it began moving towards the middle and became more acute. Last night, it was really painfull. I have no clue what might be the reason for it. First, I thought it was a minor muscle ache from my endeavors of in the middle of the room pincha mayurasana, but I do not think so anymore. Maybe it is because of sweating and then opening all the windows at home and sitting in between the air current, or it is my gastritis again… I am a bit anxious since I will be leaving next Sunday for the workshop, so I am heading to a doctor this Monday… Does anyone have a clue what might be this moving around chest pain???

The first night, the first practice in the new place

Last night, I spent my first night in my new apartment. Well, I actually do not see this as my “new home” since it is a temporary agreement between my friend and I. I have subletted my friends place for at least 6 months; this is the agreement. She took away her personal stuff and I have brought my personal stuff, and that was it. Of course, the first night sleep was a bit patchy because I am now in a more busy area (but much more fun!) and for that reason, I cannot keep the window open given that I have one of the lightest sleeps, but then we still have August heat here… Therefore, I also need to bring my fan…
After the patchy sleep, I woke up with a bit difficulty at 6 A.M. but I did. The practice in a new place was a bit off balance… I guess I was pretty used to the practice in the middle of busy furniture living room of my parents ☺ Well, I was also a bit nervous about bothering the people downstairs with my jump backs. This is an old building and the floors are wooden… hopefully I am not bothering anyone. I am assuming that there is no bedroom below my living room!?
One development with my practice is after flipping smoothly during my in the middle of the room pincha mayurasana try out on my birthday, I did try it again two mornings later and then I did not flip but had the sense of a balance spot, I actually balanced for a second… so after that I have been trying it every morning, how else it will come through, rite?
I want to comment to one of the posts by V since I cannot comment directly because of Wordpress ban in this country. I actually admire your seriousness about the practice very much. While working in another job full time, still coming to practice every morning, that is indication of great dedication! That is giving majority of your free time to your practice… and then going into real life and dealing with people who might be so far from what lies in your heart…

Flirting with Gravity and Grace

Yesterday I went to my friend Defne’s Gravity and Grace workshop. Before hand, I told her to not expect me to convert ☺… Well, I wanted to attend the workshop because I love and respect her and appreciate her for being one of the few with whom I can relate with. And of course, I also wanted to support her…
Gravity and Grace… It was different. Very deep stretches in the beginning. In Gravity and Grace, contrary to old Ashtanga, the dynamic part comes after the deep stretches in the beginning part. However, I am a warm up and then stretch kind of girl. Other wise, especially my quadriceps during Pigeon like leg stretches scream pain, while, after warm up they maybe slightly give pain to me but stretch much much more… Shoulders give me easier time since they are the most open part of my body but still more pain than would be with a warm up. On the other hand, at the end of the workshop, during shavasana, I thought I would not be able to get up, I almost fall asleep. I guess after all those deep shoulder stretches, my body relaxed immensely. Afterwards, I felt like I was hangover or jet lagged.
When my friend asked whether I was a convert now I said “sorry”… maybe just because I have not done enough of it yet and I have already found a practice which I love very much and want to go deeper and deeper into it in spite of all pain it might bring forth… Who remembers how difficult and inconvenient ashtanga practice was, the first time I have tried it? ☺

P.S. Yogamum I do not have your email since I cannot see your blog from RSS as it appears...

Thanks...

Thank you all for your Birthday wishes. Yogamum and Clare, I can read you through RSS but I do not think I can comment on your posts anymore, but know that I keep reading your blogs and I enjoy them very much.
Yesterday I cooked all day long, all vegetarian food and mostly vegan. My and my sister’s friends came over. Not so many people since it was a week night and I still know few people here. We were eight people and it was a great night. My vegan birthday cake turned out to be heavenly! This morning I woke up at nine and did my practice. It was a good practice except the backbends, too much food at dinner do not agree with backdrops in the morning ☺ but it was birthday, so it is okey.
I am moving into my friends apartment on Sunday! Then I will begin meeting with my friend at Cihangir Yoga in the mornings to do self practice. She practices Gravity and Grace. It will be motivating to be practicing with a friend. I always feel more energetic, motivated, focused…

The 30s, here they are...

Well, here it is, I turn 30 today… I am hoping this decade will bring more clarity to my life.
I woke up at 5:45 am and did my practice. There were a lot of emotions boiling up, I burst into tears twice!? Hoping, hoping, wishing that I will be more confident now on, so that I will shed no more tears of frustration for those who can not except me as I am…
The other day, I discovered Ganesh at the FaceBook and last night I received a warm message from him. I miss Anu and Ganesh very much, ohh Anu’s food was so good.. I am already envies of all those people who are in Mysore… what to do , where to go…
Well, Happy birhtday to me! I am cooking for my own mini party... I already screwed up the Vegan ice cream :) well, hopefully other things will turn out okay...

UnDemocracy or what else?

Heyyyy! I cannot read Wordpress blogs!! I just wanted to read few Ashtangi blogs but what I came across to was this message in Turkish and English “Access to this site has been suspended in accordance with decision no: 2007/195 of T.C. Fatih 2.Civil Court of First Instance” What the f…? Now I cannot read Mindbending , Driste , Graciously , all those Word press blogs I used to read! I hate this undemocratic mentality in this country! Welcome to my world ☹ I have no clue why the hell they would block Wordpress in Turkey. One more reason why I cannot feel at home here…
Well, I was in a better mood before trying to see what is up with other bloggers I like to read…
My practice was okay this week in spite of the extreme heat. I wake up at 5:45 am before it gets hotter, but I still sweat a lot. I subbed a gentle class today, and tomorrow after teaching my gentle class, I will sub Eric’s Ashtanga Led class. I am a bit nervous about the Ashtanga class, hopefully I will not do something funny such as getting nervous during the chant and freezing or something…
Well, I feel bad that I cannot read your blogs anymore…

Second series, Schengen and Juicing...

During yesterday’s class, Eric did second series led until Pincha Payurasana, well he also had us play around with Mayurasana, and Nakrasana … Nakrasana was the scariest for me. But I realized that going up to Pincha Payurasana, was not painful as it had been for me, especially during the TT. I guess my efforts of elbows slightly open Chaturanga began paying off and so I am getting stronger ☺
After the class, I was talking to Eric and he told me that I can actually practice up to Pincha Payurasana at the moment. I, of course, protested because my heels do not come down exactly during Pasasana; however, he said that he knows many ashtanga teachers who would let me move on… Anyways, least week I practiced until Salabasana B, including it… I wonder what Nancy Gilgoff will let me do. I am still waiting for my passport to see if I go the Visa. They UPS it back to you which is kind of a pain… and just as I was writing these lines my passport came!!!! And they gave me Visa to cover my both trips, to Berlin and Italy! Yuppieee!!! Yes I am happy!!!
Okey, what else, as I was speaking of practice, I am very sore today. I don’t know if it is yesterday’s practice or the fact that it was so hot last night that I put the fan on and opened the window and probably all that on top of my sweating body was not the best. Also, I am doing a juice fast today; for this reason, I stopped my practice after Navasana . I know this is lazy of me but in this heat I get too dizzy, so I thought since also I am very sore, I can give myself a little break… uhh I feel really weak now... but it will all be good for my body, rite?

Yoga Matrix

Hey! This afternoon I got my yoga goodies that I have ordered from Amazon! I was afraid they would not make it to their destination since that has been the pattern for my orders from the US Amazon, but this time I worked hard on them, kept sending the determined energy for them making it home and it worked! And I was so excited, I don’t remember squeaking like that for a long time when I opened the already opened package (I guess Turkish customs opens the packages… or some curious postman who did not like what I gotten)! I have gotten Yoga Matrix: The Body As a Gateway to Freedom CD collection by Richard Freeman and Moola Bandha: The Master Key by Swami Buddhananda. I have already listened to the first CD of the Yoga Matrix, it consists of 6 CDs, and I loved it. I cannot wait to listen to the others! Richard Freeman's perception is very immense. I actually felt a great relief when I heard him say that when one comes across a paradox between this and that style, then the yoga begins working, so do not give up!... this had been my situation lately...

Ups and downs, and a lazy blogger...

I am being very lazy about blogging. I don’t know why? I have so much to write about actually… I have been going through ups and downs… I learned that my house will not be ready by the end of the year, so I began panicking and making many travel plans to avoid being cramped in my parent’s house longer… Then I decided to sublet a friend’s house who has a nice place in a nice area, but still keeping the travel plans, maybe not staying for 6 months in India but couple of months or so :)
How is practice? I feel like my practice kind of sucks. I am not getting any stronger, so I asked about this to Eric and he told me that I need to separate my elbows from my torso a bit during chaturangas... I was kind of taking strength by resting on my arms, I had no idea I was cheating... so I began practicing by separating my elbow, but it is so difficult, as if I am just a beginner... My shoulders, my arms, they are all sore… Now, my initial opinion of Mysore classes became a reality! I guess I mentioned this before, in the beginning I had no idea what Mysore classes meant, and I thought those classes in the schedule at Yoga Place were for people who were sore or injured… silly me… anyway… Therefore, my practice is given me hard time. Ohhh, I guess it is trying to tell me something, such as I need to do much more hard work to get where I want to...
Teaching is not going bad. There are few people who enjoy my teaching quite a lot. Actually, they are those three people whom I thought they were a bit awkward… See, you never know who will embrace you, or I never know... But the thing is they cannot believe I practice ashtanga, because I teach them a gentle class, I guess more of a Tias way. Does this mean that I am not being true to my own practice? I always go over what I am teaching that day… but what I question is, is it treachery to teach something else while owning another practice??? Well, maybe the adjustment clinic workshop with Nancy Gilgoff, which I will hopefully go to in September will help me. Yes, I applied for my visa to Germany yesterday and I feel that they will give me the Visa. God, they are though on us Turks… I got really frustrated and stressed about this Schengen Visa. They ask for so many things from one for a Visa while my sister, who was born in the US, does not need to do anything, she can just pick up and go wherever she wants to in Europe. Such discrimination… I actually had two missing documents, for one they made me go and get inhabitants document for my whole family from a Government office which was thankfully not so far. But why do they need such a thing about my whole family for a Visa I have no idea… The other thing was that the invitation letter from the yoga studio in Berlin was not valid; they were suppose to get a document from a Police Station in Germany… but the lady who was looking at my documents were nice enough to accept the letter that they have faxed from the studio… So, now I am waiting for my passport and then I can get my ticket for the flight to Berlin! If I do not get a visa, I will be only pissed for the 60 Euros, which they have taken for Visa fee, otherwise it means I was not meant to go to this workshop. But if I go, I hope to get as much as I can from Nancy. I hope it will set me straight at least regarding my own practice, especially after the TT, which confused me. I seem to be getting over that confusion though…
I am also planning to go to Italy at the end of October to do an Osho therapy group, Primal , so my sister will stop telling me that I should do that group every other day! I hope it will benefit me more than just getting my sister off my back because soon enough, she will be telling me to do something else like a mantra, it will not be a long term relief, thus I better get something more from doing this. ☺ .
Actually, beside all this sarcasm, I am sure this group will be very helpful for me. I decided that I should do it last January, when I was in Pune after doing Alchemy of Breath group. Ohh I cannot wait to go back to Pune! Hopefully after all these, around end of November, I will get myself to India!!!

Ida Mountain

Last Monday, my sister, me and some friends, we all went to Ida mountain by Canakkale. I went up to mountain with few friends, my sister and others stayed down by the camping area. Initially, I was going to stay down as well but Defne, who is another yoga chick, convinced me to go up. The first night we stayed at the peak of the mountain, which was extremely windy. I hardly slept; still, with the sunrise, we woke up for practice! It was windy but it was not as cold as the night, so we could practice. I did my ashtanga practice, while Defne and Yasemin did another style which is called Gravity and Grace. Then we packed our tents and went for a long hike. It took longer than 3 hours probably and my Converses killed my feet, so I recommend not hiking with them! Where our hike ended, there was a small creek where we had our lunch and then we went into the extremely cold water! It was so great! I don’t think I could go into such cold water some years ago but I guess I am stronger now, so it was not so difficult to dip in and of course there was the fact that I did not have any other shower option ☺ . Afterwards, we went to our next camping area in the woods, which was not windy; therefore, the tent was not sticking to my head at night and I had a nice sleep. The next day after practice and breakfast, I took the lazy way and stayed in the camping area, reading and laying around. That was a great choice! In the afternoon, I did two small walks and then me and Yasemin took a shower with our bikinis by this spring which was 100 meters away from our camping area. The water was even colder since it was originating right there. We used a water bottle and my Mysore sandalwood soap to have our shower. The last day, I did a shorter practice, and after breakfast we packed and got back down. It was very nice to practice in the nature. Of course, having a bumpy, rocky ground is not optimal, however, energetically, it is really something else, especially compare to practicing at home amongst furniture. Also, it is so nice to sit before and after practice and listen to the nature. This mini vacation was really nice. All that cold water which we could also drink…
Now I am back to the city… It is hot and sticky. I taught a class yesterday which was a bit strange. Three people showed up, a daughter and a mother and their acquaintance. Before the class, the young girl interrogated me by asking my history of training, whether I was trained here, in Turkey or abroad, etc… Anyway, then I wanted to chant Om at the beginning of the class, this wthen the mother began laughing, which did not really bother me. I don’t expect everyone to enjoy it. But I guess she felt bad, so she apologized after class. Then the other lady had a back injury, which kind of made me anxious. But over all, at the end, they all seemed pleased with the class. That is what matters the most. My only concern is I get different people in every class, I wish same people would show up so I could help them move on with their practice. Hopefully it will happen slowly.

Saturn...

I had my astro reading on Thursday and it was like a blow. Yes, he told me lots of good stuff as well but the main theme was the confusion which I am born into and that I am exactly in that same spot now due to my Saturn return, which actually does not end this month but ends in July 2008!!! He said the toughest part is over but the whole effect will end next year ☹ He told me that I need to make decision about what I want to do, where I want to live, all that… I panic now. I panic because I do not feel comfortable or confident with any of the decisions or I do not know how to make it a reality if I do make a certain decision… I know it all sounds confusing and heavy…well, this is the state of my being now, which I have to get out. He said that there is a lot of magic in my chart that is not activated and that I am acting like a pisces (moon in pisces) going with the flow instead of focusing. So, now I am panicking. I am panicking because if I do not get going it will get more difficult, I am panicking because I am afraid that I will make the wrong decision, etc…
Is there anyone else who panics after having an astrological reading and who gets depressed after a TT? Why am I unique in weirdest ways? I have to change my thinking patterns… Seriously… they certainly do not serve me.
By the way, practice is fine but I guess, the practice that I have to work on is in some other area than the one that I do at 6 am... It is to figure out how to prove myself to Saturn, to focus, to figure out who I am...

Looking better, feeling better...

This week has been treating my moods better than last week. Actually I guess it got all better by Friday last week. I thought my first class and I could see the tremendous difference in my teaching! It was very mood lifting, yeah! And then I thought Sunday’s gentle class and yes it went all good again! Hah, showed me that all TT was something more than confusing me in other ways such as what to practice, how to practice, all the noise in my head... Then during the led class with Eric, towards the end he divided the class in to two and had others go to finishing postures after Mari B while he had us continue until the end, and had me and this other girl practice until Parsva Dhanurasana and then he tried help me getting into back bends from hand stands again. This time was not as bad as the first time, I was not as disoriented, there was a bit more coordination on my part, but still did not get it ☺.
This week has been okey This morning I could n ot get up at 6am, I don’t know because I was lazy?! I got up at 7am and so I could only practice until Bhuja Pindasana because I had to be at the ghetto shala before 11 am to teach my non existing students over there. Yes, unfortunately, no one seems to come there at the moment. But then my other teacher friend, Demet, came and we did a Tias practice together. It was fun, I really enjoyed sharing what I learned. Then she took me to this only vegan place in Istanbul.
I will have my astro reading on Friday by this famous astologist, Gahl. I can hardly wait!

All sorts of crises...

I realize it seems like I am always in some sort of crises but the reality is that I seem to be forgetting to write when I am in a good mood.
So, I came back from mountaintop of Santa Fe. Couple of days after I got back, I went to the south of Turkey, to the beach for 5 days with my sister. We were at this quiet, no frills, very simple place where they have wooden huts and tents that you can rent out. I woke up every morning at 6am to practice with another friend who did her own practice. The sun would just rise as we began our practice. Except biting ants, it was lovely! Also, I met very nice people…
Still, this little holiday did not make the transition to real life much easier, or maybe it did and I am not realizing, maybe it would be even worse. My friend from the training, Stephanie, was telling me that she was having trouble settling back and I was wondering what she was meaning… Yes, I was really curious and now I see for myself… But the thing is that my Saturn return just finished today! Yesterday was the last day of it according to astro.com and ain’t it suppose to get better? I was suppose to be depressed during Saturn return, not after! But I began crying last night and then today I could not even wake up for my practice and then after waking up I cried more and more. I just realize there are not much people here that I connect with. Even the few who seems to have something in common with me, now seems to have nothing in common. I just cannot have a true, heart to heart conversation with someone. For instance, when I try to share something from my practice such as having hard time with something, the response is “ohh I do it in every practice” while when the same person tells me about some asana she/he has trouble with, I try to encourage and try to give examples from my own experience… I try to be encouraging while they make me feel like crap. Then I just don’t understand how people get excited about just anyone, anything, they have no focus! I say I will go to Nancy Gilgoff workshop and they say “ohh I will come too, I should” when, just a minute ago, they were telling me that they think ashtanga is probably not a practice for them!?!? I just have to turn my switch off. I seem to be taking things too seriously...
I am having crises of faith as my astrology reading would say. I am having crises of style of practice, crises of not having enough energy, but most importantly crises of not having my teacher! I feel so much need for my teacherat the moment, and I mean Cary when I say my teacher. Sincerely, she still is the only teacher I can call as “my teacher”. And today I did not wake up to practice, and then I felt guilty of not practicing but then I resisted the urge to practice in midday and I insist to go on this day without practice, I had to suffer this day through, leaving my lonely mat laying on the floor. In the afternoon, I suddenly decided to call Cary. And I was lucky to reach her and we talked for the first time after I left Mysore, we talked more than 50 minutes. It was sooo good talking to her! I felt aligned. At last, I felt that someone can relate to me, someone knows where I am coming from and someone can tell me how to make sense out of all this. And this day, I decided that my practice was, is and will be ashtanga practice. This is the practice that makes sense to me, it is the practice where I truly learn what I am doing, where I observe myself, my heart, my mind, my body. People find it difficult, people say you injure yourself in ashtanga but I find it otherwise. One moves on as their time comes, you go step by step, when you are ready. Now, with all these other things, I find myself worrying, sweating about Pincha-Mayurasana but why? I am not there yet… I do not want to worry about Pincha-Mayurasana before I reach to it! I just got to second series, and there are so many other asanas before that or this and I have no teacher to lead me through it but I will lead myself as much as I can, this is the circumstance I am in and I have to handle it! I was lucky to go to a good teacher training, now I can lead my own practice and also work on my teaching… I will not be teaching ashtanga most of the time but my practice will be ashtanga even if that means practicing twice a day so I can prepare for my class in the second one… This is it, so I reveal!
One good thing is that I met this wonderful person two days ago. I used to know her just a little from years back, she was my sister’s friend, and then she left for Thailand and there she got into yoga... She had been working on her practice for some years now… So, we met the other day. It was as if I met a new person and I did not realize how the time passed, it was very peaceful. I experienced someone who understands what is yoga about, someone who has some kind of depth, and truth. Now, she has gone to Europe until the end of the month… But this proves that there are some people out there! Some hope. I truly need to find my community here. I know there should be some people somewhere in this city where no one criticizes each other’s practice and respect and support each other’s path!

Explosion of the ashtangi

Here I am in Sante Fe at teacher training. We began the second level yesterday. I kind of knew this second week would be challenging, at least astrologically for me, but I was not expecting the explosion I had this morning. In the mornings, we have meditation with this lady. So I went to the temple at 5am to practice and some other people also came in afterward to do their own practice before the day begins... then, the meditation session began. we did some exercises, then she was talking with her overly sympathetic style and she said "If you are an ashtangi girl and you are doing the same practice
everyday, you are not honoring your body. you do not have a good practice" I was first "okey don't take it personally..." then this other person who came from Washington State to assist T also said something, which I could not listen fully anymore but it was something like: if you are practicing ashtanga primary series just for the sake of practicing without modifying and he went on blablablabla... so after all this I started tearing up, still I tried to contain myself and then we had a silent breakfast... but at the end, I could not hold myself and went to the lady who is manager of the training and told her that I need to talk to someone about the meditation session, I just had to tell someone that I cannot stand it if these criticism will pop up all the time! but then I began crying hysterically. I guess I was really hurt... The manager was surprised that meditation lady would say something like this especially since she does not practice any yoga and both T and S have backgrounds in ashtanga. I was upset because I came here with an open heart and mind, and in spite of ashtanga being my love... I am open minded enough but I think, at this stage, I am not ready to take any shallow criticism about our practice, especially in this form. Then, later on, the meditation lady came to me and tearing up, she apologized from me. She said “I am sorry I did not know you were a strong ashtanga practicioner and I honor you practice and Pattabhi Jois”!!!. Later, S told me to take what others say as a grain of rice and listen to my own heart. She understands me because she used to be so in love with her ashtanga practice too... and T never talks badly about ashtanga, he has his own way now but he is sensitive about how he talks about what he believes, what he prefers...
I never criticize anyone’s yoga, it is all beautiful to me… It is a very personal practice and for me, there is no place for judgments…
So I guess I stirred up some stuff here and some stuff was stirred up in me… and the theme of this week was stirring the ocean, water, fire, transformation… is it all related I wonder, what happened and all… I guess one reason for my sensitivity is also because we are in second week of our training and it is getting deeper and I am getting more sensitive…

NYC and my 8 random facts...

Here I am in NY before my TT. I arrived on Thursday, at noon. I love this city so much!!!! I missed it a lot. Now I stay at an unfamiliar part of the city, at 60s east side. So, I make daily trips to lower east side, eastvillage…. Ohh, I know someday I will again live here, maybe than forever. I went to Yogasutra on Friday for practice…. But I think my next time will be at Guy’s shala … the reason is that I think I will like it much better. I know Guy from Mysore, and I guess it will be better to practice where there is a familiar face… and to be honest, I had some weird first impression at Yogasutra … beginning with the reception lady who first told me that the first class is free, (which I was not expecting, I was already handing her money) and then she told me that I get some percent of from the first package I will buy… after this last bit, I told her I am in town for a week, so I will not be buying any packages and she suddenly changed and snapped at me saying “but you have written down a New York address at your [new student] form” so, I said I am staying with a friend (yeah what is the big deal? would I say I am staying for a week if I were trying to pull a trick???) and then she said “sorry, then you have to pay!”, so I sheepishly paid. I understand that they may not offer first class free if you are not potential permanent student but then is there any way of ensuring that in any case? However, the think that turned me off was not having a free class or not, but it was the the way she began talking to me in the middle of the conversation, she was suddenly very rude. So, I thought uhh what a great way to being my practice. I guess it was premature of me to think after finally finding the shala, “ohh I can relax and start over the day with a better start, here I am in a yoga studio” I thought that it can be a cure to my hectic beginning of the day which commenced with me figuring out at 6 am that I have lost my weekly metro card after using it only one day, so taking a cab to the shala (since nowhere is open at that time to sell metrocards and I was not close to a metro station) and after getting of the cab, wondering around 5th Avenue for 15 minutes, trying to find the shala, asking street venders if they know yoga sutra, a yoga studio around there… anyways… I think I am always better off at lower east side of this city anyhow…
Yesterday, I practiced at home. My friend’s apartment has a beautiful view of the river, so it was very nice until after I took my shower and figured that my friend’s cat, Negrito, peed in my suitcase!!! That was a bit upsetting, so I washed my stuff but the litter odor is still in my bag after spraying it with so much of Lysol… do you think I can get a suitcase dried cleaned? what else I can do to get it smell free?
By the way, I am not finding any Manduka mats or any other mat I like, here in NY. According to Manduka’s website , there are many retailers which carry it, but I called most of those yoga studios and they don’t have it. Everyone seems to have harmony mats, which I don’t particularly like…


So, finally here is my 8 random facts but I am not tagging anyone… enjoy them...


My mom kept telling me to do yoga when I was doing my first MA degree in NY, but I kept telling her back that it wasn’t for me!!! By the way, she was not doing yoga but she just felt that it was the thing for me! Moms know some stuff….

My favorite food is ice cream, well, now it is tofutti but I like to have it at home so I can add things on it like cookie, chocolate, nut pieces…

When I was young, I once locked my sneakers into the safe they had in a hotel room but then I forgot the password. For some reason, my parents did not bother to inform the hotel service and get it opened, maybe to punish me? So, my shoes got stuck in there.

My friends cat peed in my suitcase, and I still have a month to go with the same suitcase! (it will probably a whole different story after it is all hopefully worked out in some way)

When I began living in NYC, the first time I hated it, it was too much, too much of everything… now it is my favorite city. Where else you can walk out at 4am in the morning and find people walking around and the Koreans at the corner open so you can get a medicine for your headache?

I used to be a tall and fat kid.

I love coffee very much; it is the only addiction I don’t really want to give up as long as my stomach doesn’t give up from the acid.

When I saw Mysore classes in the schedule of Yoga Place the first time, I thought it was a class for people who were sore or something!!!! ☺ silly me.

need help with my next yoga mat!

Ok, I have been practicing with my cheap, old, falling apart sticky mat for a long time. But I am not planning to take that poor thing with me to my teacher training… so I will need to get a new, good quality mat as soon as I arrive to New York City. However, I don’t really know which mats are the better ones and where I can fin them in NYC. Any suggestions will be appreciated very much!