sometimes it is all about softness

There is a lot that I think about these days…  and some of it is related to softness…  I know I lost some of my softness on the way, trying to have it all together while I travel or had to face difficult situations, to not to panic, not to feel desperate, not to be taken advantage of, not to seem lost, not to feel vulnerable… so somethings are calcified.  However, now I think that too of a strong hold could be a barrier to the actual strength we have, and to the experiences that life is offering us…  I guess at times, one has to be vulnerable… Like the time I told my friend how I was hurt with all that happened, when I could accept my vulnerability, to the point of sharing with the other. Then I was so free from it latter on…  I was true to myself and to the others, I could not fake all was alright at a time when all felt bitter…  I had to trust that I could handle it no matter what the reactions could be and at the end of it all, I just felt  soft, open and very human with all the imperfections…  I need to remind myself this experience of last fall.  

Yesterday, I realized I also need this softness in my practice; the strength is not necessarily coming from hardness of my muscles, it is like my sweet friend Claire told me while we were waiting our planes at Bangalore airport, it comes from a soft smile, from a soft space within… to much holding of my muscles is actually stopping me to use the strength I have…  it was very interesting to discover…

time to write!

Time to write for me…  so long it has been.. I keep starting to write and then leave it half way…  I have to write to completion. 

I am home for more than a month now.  I began teaching Mysore classes again and it is such a blessing!  I see how much I missed to share what I am receiving from my teachers.  Every teaching is a teacher for me, every student is a new interaction to learn from.  I am starting to drop expectations and just do what I love to do without interfering with the monkey mind :P  It is not always easy, hoping more people would show up, hoping the already existing ones will take upon the practice with big enthusiasm, etc…  but have to learn to stay with what is here and now and just do the best I can… the rest will follow, whatever is suppose to come will follow… have to stay present with faith.

I was very happy to get back home after more than seven months.  I had a long journey.  Mysore days were wonderful.  It was hard to leave…  Then, some traveling to Thailand, which is beautiful, and Sri Lanka with gorgeous beaches…  After two months of due time, back to India again, to Goa.  Studying with Rolf and Marci one more time, such blessing to be with them.  Goa, is the second home, Mysore is the second home… hard to choose between those two.  But the best part of all was to feel that home is the home, I mean Istanbul is the home for now.  I was happy to miss Istanbul finally and have some enthusiasm to make somethings work here. 

So here I am for a while.  Until August I teach, a little break and then teaching again and maybe a Mysore trip.  Practice in the mornings feel good.  I am feeling that I am getting more skilled each time with working on things that I get from my teachers.  Bringing back homework, coming home with things to work on.  Change does not happen over night or sometimes not even in a month, it can take months, years.  But each study I take with my teachers give me something to work on.  Before, I would have the tendency to expect big changes during each study, and sometimes I would feel disappointed… now I see that it does not work like that… the journey is long, and it requires patience, diligence and dedication.  And I love the journey!

By the way, I am thinking of moving to wordpress... any opinions about that?

some of us in Istanbul...

after all made it back!

Soooo I am in Goa! that took a while, ha? Well, I am happy to be here now. Finally, I made it. It was a long process and I don't think I would do it this way again, I mean I would not be travelling around India, waiting two months to be able to get back to India... but this was a good experience as well. I have seen places I have not been to before or been to but did not remember because it had been 19-20 years since I went to Bangkok... Now I know few places that I want to visit again and explore even further and some places to avoid... and then also learning to not do this two month out of India until I can go in thing. Next time, if I want to be back two months later, I would just go home and come back, and in the mean time, there are zillions of things I can do while at home. Well, this summer was tough for me and then I made this travel plan... but now I am gathering my confidence and organizing myself better... On the other hand, I say again that it was a good learning experience... I learned I cannot travel around this long, it is alright when I go somewhere to travel for 10 days or when I go places like Mysore, Goa and settle down for few months but from one place to another and then to another for couple of months is too ungrounding for me. I do not like it and I also start getting health problems such as dental ones :s It is kind of like my astro reading, "painless lessons", (well tooth ache is pretty painful but you get it, it is not the worst thing that can happen)I am learning about what is optimal and what is not for me, and what is worth and what is not worth doing, what is enjoyable and what is not and kind of why the hell I decided that...


The dental stuff as always creeping out... Just before I was going to leave Bangkok for India. The last two days which includes also the day I leave I had to get a root canal. Ok, I could have left it with the emergency care they would do but then I did not know any good dentist in Goa and I was planning to stay for few months... Therefore, I asked them if it was possible to do more treatment so I could last longer wherever I go... The dental hospital and the dentist seemed all good, so I felt safe. But after I got to India last Wednesday, a journey which had few challenges in it (I will tell those in a minute), my tooth began aching. I was not really expecting this since I was so confident with the treatment that was done in Bangkok. It was hard to sleep at night, and also I caught some cold while travelling, so on top of a tooth ache, I also had stuffy nose which would not let me breath at night :p Luckily, Rolf and Marci know a good dentist here who has her office very close to where we are! And Friday, after aching bum bum bum, I called this dentist and made an appointment for the next morning. And the same night, the ache began getting milder to my surprise because previous days, it was always getting more intense during the night. The next morning, it was again not so bad and then I went to see the dentist. She looked at the x-rays and then told me that the root canal was done properly but because it was done so intensely in two days and even the day I was going to fly and then flying without giving it a chance to heal, the area was probably inflamed. She told me that I am suppose to keep taking the medicines I was given by the dentist who has done the work and also anti-inflammatory medicines... I am very relieved with this news, because after all that, my whole mission was to get back to India to study with R&M and just as I get back, not feeling well was a doomer...

The journey from Bangkok to Goa was another thing. As I arrived to Bangalore in the middle of the night at 12 AM, I went form International to domestic flights terminal. After a cup of tea, I went over to the screen to check my flight which was suppose to be at 6:15 AM the same morning. I was planning to lounge at the airport until then; however, I could not see my flight even though all these other flights that were around the same time were listed. I asked a man who was working at the check in lines and he said "Madam it is too early that is why it is not listed, 3 hours before the flight it will be there" I told him how come all these other flights which were at 6AM - 7 AM were listed. At that point, he also got suspicious and told me to go over to the Kingfisher office and ask the lady there. So, I did and the lady also told me the same thing the man told me in the first hand and when I pointed out the obvious that other flights were listed she went inside to make a call and then came with the news "Madam that flight is cancelled, they tried to contact you but they could not reach you" I was devastated. I said "how did they contact me? I did not get any email or text message", she told me they tried to call me, they called 3 times. But I always get emails or text messages regarding the status of my flight, I might not be always available to pick up the phone. Of course I should have also made sure that the flight was on before hand which is something I usually do but neglected it this time, I guess I did not want to hear any bad news since I was so much wanting to reach Goa.... She told me that they will try to put me on another flight but then there were no morning flights even with other airlines due to something that was going on in Goa. The earliest was 4PM. Hearing that I kept asking "but what I do here so many hours, I did not arrange anything?" At the end, they decided to give me most of my money back so I would be compensated and also they gave me a boarding pass for the 4PM flight. That was really nice of them. Then I went and got a hotel room which had to be in Bangalore city because according to the man at the airport who had info regarding hotels, all the hotels by the airport were booked. The new Bangalore airport is a bit away from the city, and in a bad traffic day, it can take a long while so this made me a bit stressed out about getting back to the airport but I was too tired to stay in the airport and sleep on a chair. Therefore took the chance and went to Bangalore. Got to the hotel recommended by the man at the airport. The receptionist was a bit annoying at 3AM in the morning. I began filling the papers and then someone called and I guess yelled at him for something because he kept saying no sir you did not call me and then he turned to me and wanted my passport and I said here it is he said ok you can go to your room, I said I am not leaving my passport here, he said I will send it in 2 minutes I said no I am waiting here please do what you need to do. I did not want to wait for anything when I go up to the room, I wanted to crash and also I am not comfortable with leaving my passport to anyone. Ha! so, then he made a call and start ordering chicken tandoori, bla bla tandori, a very long list of food at 3AM in the morning! I was getting pissed that he was making me wait in the middle of the night, a customer comes to check in and he is busy ordering food for I guess that man who yelled at him on the phone... It was like Welcome India already, but it was ironic ya? dying to get back to India for two months, and I as soon as I arrive I had to deal with Indian ways that drive me crazy :p. But I had a decent room, I went to bed straight away, I was hang over from being up so late. I did not have a good sleep because I was kind of nervous about where I was, if it was safe, why there wasn't a chain on my door? so whenever I heard a noise from the hall way, I would jump... but it was fine after all. I did not sleep so long. I woke up around 8:30AM and took a shower which was nicest thing about staying there. They had breakfast so I went down, they had idli, coconut chutney, sambar, some of that fried things and then some fruits, and some western stuff. I could not pass idly and coconut chutney. After breakfast, I asked the lady at the reception "Coffee Day around here?" and she told me at the end of the road. SO I walled down and found the Coffee day, and had a decent cup of coffee. Walked back to the hotel and when it was time for me to leave I thought the driver who dropped me off last night would pick me up but he was nowhere around. He asked me if he should come and I said yes at 1PM. But he did not show up! so I panicked. I was at that point really getting anxious, as if everything was against me reaching  Goa, more I wanted to get there more things were going wrong, so I was also seeing that I had to relax a bit (if I could). But I had to push the hotel receptionist to get me a cap soon otherwise they were saying "45 minute later madam"! It is so weird, in any big city, as far as I know, you get a taxi in a minute unless it is super rainy, snowy, stormy... well I got a cap in 15 minutes and left for the airport and of course they charged me much more than the night before because it came in 15 minutes not 45minutes, India, well I managed to get it down 100 rupees.... They also called that driver who was suppose to pick me up to see why he did not come. He told them I did not want him to come which was not true. I told him to come but when he asked for my room number I said no need for room number you come I will be here downstairs... I felt nervous with giving such details  in the middle of the nigh at some place I did not know and did not necessarily feel safe... but he interpreted it as I do not want him to get me back to the airport.

Well, after all this, I arrived to Goa! I got my flight, it flew right away, got a cab and came to the familiar land, to my home! I walked to the guest house where I am staying. The late afternoon I arrived, I left my bags to the room and I immediately ran to the beach since I knew Rolf would be there for the sun set and for sure he was. I hugged him big and I was so , but so happy to see him! Thursday I practiced in my room and began practicing with everyone else with the led class on Friday. The shala they built is really nice, I like it a lot. The floor is a bit uneven at some places but it does not matter so much for me, after I begin practicing it feels just okey and then when I am with my teachers and other practitioners, it really does not matter where I practice, if the floor is uneven or not... it is very simple and beautiful just like himself!

This year I am staying at the guest house in front of the one I usually stayed... I have a nice room and a balcony kitchen! I am close to the shala. I am happy, I am so at home! I am so thankful! the tooth ache left me after the weekend... I know few people, some of whom I know are not staying around, I guess they are at Vagator, Arjuna... It is peaceful, nice.

The practice is epic again since Rolf does not split people until after Karandavasana. I am at Pincha; therefore, I have to do the whole primary and the intermediate until pincha. Rolf said, arms are stable but the core needs to be more stable... drawbacks of being so flexible at the back... but it will come, just practice and ease into where I am and be there, and I guess this is true with everything, everywhere...

Round and round

It has been months since my last post. Even though I began writing couple of times, I could not bring it to an end.... Then I gave up. Obviously I was not feeling it.

Mysore journey came to an end. It was a very nice one this time. I enjoyed the practice, and the beautiful people, beautiful friends very much. We cooked together a lot and ventured into things I have not done before. I made some life long friends, friends with whom my paths will cross again and again. Studying with Sharath was awesome again... It was a very special trip this time.

I left Mysore feeling all gloomy and sappy, leaving behind all that. I came to Bangkok which had a totally different vibe. Calmer, cleaner, and easier in many ways... It felt like a big shopping mall/food court since there are so many shopping malls in that city and the streets are full of food vendors. The coconuts in Thailand are delicious, nowhere I tasted coconuts like that and they put them on ice so it is cool coconut water, such luxury ha! The food, especially the green curry is the yummiest and all the fruit shakes. One can safely buy fruits off the street, ready to eat, peeled and cut for you. I felt like it was safe and nothing happened to my belly.

After four days in BKK, I went to Koh Phangan where I was suppose to stay a month. After the flight to Koh Samui, it was a boat and the sea was rough, and I was sea sick pretty soon so I threw myself over my bags on the floor and shut my eyes until the end of the journey. After we arrived to Koh Phangan, I was suppose to take another little boat to the beach I was trying to reach but the boat man wanted to charge me and this other man who was going there much more because of the rough sea. We walked to the other end where they had boats as well and from that side we could leave. Again the rough sea and I was paralyzed :p. Luckily the man who was in the same boat with me helped me with my bags, he took them out and I threw myself out. The boat man did not want to go to the next beach where I was suppose to go, but the man who was helping me offered to help me with carrying my bag and finding the way since I had no clue where I was and where I was suppose to be heading. I went to the first guest house my friend advised me but they were booked for the month so I went to the other guest house and they had bungalows for a month, so I took the spacious, nice bungalow they showed me. The nature is so beautiful in Koh Phangan and the way everything else is also. There are no cars or bikes. It is like a tropical bliss. However, the storm began and stayed for a week... I did not know anyone, then I met few others... There was a Matthew Sweeney workshop going on but he was not taking anyone from the middle, but he was doing Sunday workshop to which I could go and I did. In the morning, it was his lion sequence and in the afternoon it was working on inversions. I think I like his teaching style. He have good advices for which point one could be stuck with a pose and how to work on it. This was the second time I met him, the first time was in London for a 2 hour workshop... Maybe one day I do a month long studying with him...

Well, after a week of storm, feeling kind of stuck and lonely, I called my friend, Senol who was in Sri Lanka and decided to travel where he was. Just like that I made new travel plans and I got to Sri Lanka. Now this is my last week here. We stayed in this place where there is an old timer Ashtanga teacher teaching Mysore classes. She is a very sweet lady.

Counting days to India... I will go back to Thailand next Wednesday. After two weeks in Thailand and some travelling, and getting a new Indian visa, I will be heading back to India for Goa! I have to say no place like India. Thailand with its cleanliness and good food and nonchaotic ways, Sri Lanka with clean, beautiful beaches and ocean cannot measure up to India. India with its potential of overwhelming one and with it chaos, dirt, rudeness of people from time to time, is still the most real, most juicy, honest, friendly and from unexpected corners so kind. There are lots of things in my head but most importantly I am looking forward to Goa, to R&M, their teaching and all of it...

Ayurvedic Treatment...

Been a long while...  I just could not write...  I donnu, no particular reason, just this has been the case.

Mysore is nice, still quite, still some rain, but a bit more heat during the day.  I did an eight day Yoga Basti with Doctor Kumar, which ended last Wednesday!  When I went for my consultation with him, one of the first things I said was "I do not want to do Panchakarma. I am not going to drink gee, or fast... I am here to practice so I do not want to get weak, lgiht headed etc... I just want some recommendations"  And he is such a nice man, he said "yes I understand.  I will not suggest you to drink ghee, or do any fasting but!  I will recommend you to do this other treatment, Yoga Basti" and then he went on explaining it...   and it really sounded like the appropriate treatment for me whose Vata is very strong and who has been suffering from chronic digestive problems since teenage years... Therefore, in less than a week I went to see him again and told him I am doing it.  Ha! he has a way with people I guess, I was so determined that I was not going to do any treatment, I just wanted some advice and maybe ayurvedic pills that might help me which he actually gave me during my first visit and they began to help already...  So, the next day I started my 8 day treatment.  Every morning after I practice I flew with my scooter to Saraswathipuram....  The last three days, I was a bit tired of the whole procedure already, enough of all the oil and the milk etc...  but I was still so sure this was helping me and that I had to finish this treatment as recommended.   All that oil and milk helped my skin, my hair which was so dry, and the basti began clearing my system.  Even the mornings when I felt "ohh againnnn...", after the treatment I was so mellow and just okey with everything :) 

Apperantly this treatment is one of the Panchakarmas.  My friend Kumar, who is in Gokulam doing massage and past life therapy told me so.  There are, I think, 8 kinds of Panchakarma, so the ghee drinking is not the only one...  Well, after the treatment I went to see Dr. Kumar again and he gave me some pills to increase the digestive fire and gave me some recommendation for my daily eating routine such as eating papaya at night for dinner, he said " papaya is very good for you!"  I love Papaya, so perfect recommendation but I wonder what I can switch it with when I am home where there is no papaya; I will ask that next time I see him in couple of weeks... and all other things he said made sense... aa also he was asking me if I began adding some ghee to my food.  I told him that I bought the ghee and it is in my fridge but I remembered to use it only once so far since my hand always goes to the olive oil bottle on my counter, ah the habit...  His said "then you  put the ghee in your olive oil bottle"  :)  Yes, he thinks ghee is good for me even though I told him that I like olive oil and that is what I grew up eating more....

While doing this treatment, I was not fasting, still the last few days I felt a bit weak, tired, but maybe that was because I was still very active :p The practice has been fine. The mornings I felt tired was difficult in the beginning but I could get it going; after sun salutations my energy would pick up so it was okey.  It took me a while to surrender to an 8 day treatment...  I always was scared of any kind of treatment because I was afraid they would get me weak, light headed etc... However, the treatment I did was the suitable one for me so it was not difficult, it was not draining and it was helpful for my problem...

here and now should be the mantra

Looking within... it is a lot of that these days... It is complicated work, but seems like should be the simplest. I feel like I am going through a training, training of snapping out of maya... well, I have lots of work to do. But one thing I know is that all the things that triggered depressive emotions and thoughts at last bring me to a point where I truly realized there is a need to see things from a different light. And maybe, I had to sink low to really make a revolution in the patterns of the mind. Also, close people around me going through really low time has been constantly reminding me that all this messy stuff cannot be there to kill us but maybe can be an opportunity to find something, that something within us which is very much light and pure than what we thing we are made of. It is not an easy task, lets see how it will go...

I am reading Pema Chodron's "Start Where You Are". When I got the book, I looked and thought to myself "uhh it looks like an easy read, not thick, chapters are not long, and the language is simple, etc..." ohh well I was wrong. I think after the first two chapters the challenge began. So, I read then I try to practice what she is talking about then I feel like I am incapable of following what she is saying, so I stop reading the book for couple of days. But then I start sensing that I am getting lost in my mind, going down and I think " I better pick up the book, maybe something she says will touch me", and as I read I see I was correct and then I take a break from reading it but keep contemplating on what I was reading, trying to assimilate... ohh, I have to say she is a very valuable source.  Also my sister send me "Pain Body" recording by Eckhart Tolle last week, listening to that also made me realize I have to stop going back to past feelings, maybe not to puch them away but the reality now is not those feelings, but we are so immune to bring them to now, and this habit so much inhibits our flow in the river of life...

Other than reading and taking journeys in my mind, I am thinking that I should do some other stuff. I will and will tell you when I do, there is no point of writing about what I am thinking of doing before I do them :p

Practice is nice although this morning I was feeling heavy... still it was not so bad... and later, for the breakfast I was so hungry!? i donnu. Yesterday I was with a beautiful friend for lunch. We were suppose to go to Sandhya's house, I called the day before and told the girl who picked up the phone that two of us will come next day around 2PM for lunch. But maybe she forgot to tell. When we arrived, Sandhya was "you are late, did you call?" Apparently there was not much food left. Therefore, I suggested that we go for thali and come to Shandyha some other day... We left for Dasaprakash, just as we were arriving the rain began slowly and as we entered to the restaurant it poured! Just on time! We had the special thali and had lots of time to talk until the rain stopped. It was lovely, and better than being at Sandhya's in terms of having all this time and privacy to share experiences, talk about stuff...  One of the interesting things came up in our conversation was "the Work" of Byron Katie, I did not know about this woman. It is interesting, interesting to see how we all think in similar patterns, and worry about similar stuff... 

Days fly...

It has been a week in Mysore... time flies when you are in a happy space... The weather is cool, cloudy and rainy but usually not heavy rain. Today is Ganesha festival, and the whole week there were preparations for it.  Mysore city was super busy, people were shopping, lots of people and lots of traffic in the city... I went downtown few times, once to take Pinar and Canan to shopping mostly for shawls and scarves. Another time I went down with my scooter, taking Canan also with me to see Mr. Rashinkar at his store, I am staying in his apartment so I had to give him some papers... We also stopped by at Ashok bookstore. I was looking for a specific Osho book which is called "Love, Aloness, Freedom" but they did not have it, maybe I should go to Sapna which is a much bigger book store. Then we went to the Rashinkar store, and beside seeing Mr. Rashinkar we also looked at yoga books and of course the yoga rugs they have... I got Yoga Taravali... I am not sure if this is a good edition of the book, we will see.

I am still partially in Afroz which is great. The memories are still very vivid and this lifts up my spirit a lot. From time to time I am confused about spirituality... it is hard to describe even what is confusing for me... I guess, I have to let it be, not question so much what I do versus what others do. but maybe I am not surrendering enough to anyone of the teachings or teachers. I frequently find myself being thorn between two of my teachers for instance, should I stay in Mysore longer or go to Goa?, and then Osho versus my yoga practice. I do not abandon my yoga practice to follow Osho, I am able to manage both together but if he asked me (if he were alive...) to drop yoga, I don't think I would. So what does that make me? and why do I think about this in the first place? well, I was listening to one of his discourses, him answering to a disciple's question, and he was saying how he knew that the disciple never really surrendered, how this guy was concerned what the society would think and so on and so on... well, I do not think of what the society will say... but when I am with the Osho community, they tend to question the yoga practice... I have my own mind, I go this way and that way, I say one think one day and may say another think the next day... I rebel and then come back... but it seems like Osho is part of my life, my vitality, and so I never totally abandon. but is this being half hearted? as I write these things, I realize it does not matter at all. My yoga practice is in the first place is what brought me to seeking, to India, to Osho... and maybe I am a very mental one, not like a heart person who would totally, without questioning surrender but that should also be fine, I have the accept where I am, who I am so I can continue from where I am... anyways...

Yesterday, I went for a walk around the lake. It was of course beautiful. I was also taking some photos as I was walking since I am trying to learn to make better pictures... Then a teenager boy began following me. I tried to slow down to let him pass, I stop to take photos and hoping he would be gone, but no in one way or another he was also stopping to wait. It quickly got stressful for me... Then I saw a man who was having his walk and also talking on his cellphone, so I tried to stay by him but he was too fast for me :p then I began saying to myself "let my angles help me, let my angles help me" I donnu from where I came up with this, but it worked after a few minutes! Two ladies appeared in front of me, I tagged behind them, the boy was hiding behind the bushes, then he jumped in again, did the noise Indian man do to take your attention but then left from the gate which was there. I was relieved but I missed taking photos of these beautiful heart shaped leaves on my way since I was trying to get away... so I have to go back to see the leaves again, but maybe a bit later when it is busier or with a friend, so I am not subject to this kind of think again...

Later, we went to Green Hotel for Friday night dinner. The garden is not open yet due to rain; therefore, we were in this area to the right of the garden which is covered on top. It was nice, good food and good company...

This morning, I did some cleaning... Then I was sat to write and I put some music. As the Libertines was playing from my iPod, through my open door I heard bells and saw the priest in the next house doing the puja for the Ganesha festival! I was like "ohh and you are here listening to your rock'n roll!" I turned of the music quickly to not disturb, disrespect... Soon I should go out for a walk around to see what is going on with this festival. I think there will be lots of Ganeshes around in lots of sizes! Exciting! Should take my camera with me....

Mysore in September

Mysore! I am happy to be here... I arrived last Friday...
This journey was a bit different then previous once since this time I booked my flight with Emirates instead of Turkish airlines. Therefore, I flew to Dubai and then to Bangalore rather than flying directly to Bombay and then waiting for many hours (since Turkish airlines arrives at 3:30AM) for a domestic flight, also there was no hassle of switching from the international terminal to domestic terminal... We arrived to Dubai airport at 12:45 AM and I did not sleep the whole time. When I step into the luxuries airport, the first think I spotted was this juice bar and I was already very dehydrated in the plane and also since I forgot to check vegetarian option, there was no real meal for me at the plane so I was feeling a bit hungry too. The juice bar, especially the pineapples on the shelf my eyes sparkle I guess! I was missing pineapples so much; therefore, I got a pineapple apple ginger juice and drank it perhaps in 5 minutes. I walked around for a while and then found myself walking back to the juice bar to get a second one of the same juice! It was really good! It was the best thing! More walking around and seeing a date heaven in one of the shops was for some reason pretty interesting in the middle of the night, but I did not buy any, maybe I should have, they were the best dates I have ever seen in my life. Then I got tho the plane after almost 3 hours of lay over and just tried to sleep the rest of the journey. The second plane was not as comfortable as the first one tough... still I managed to get few hours of sleep. When I arrived to Bangalore, there was the taxi I arranged 2 days before. I thought of taking the train this time, but then I realized how tired I would be and I did not really know when it was, I looked online but then gave up and called Shiva for a taxi... With he taxi, we arrived to Mysore in 4 hours, most of the time I slept in the car... it felt longgg. but then I was grateful that I did not have to drive any of these vehicles that took me to Mysore! :)

When I arrived to Gokulam it was easy since I booked my living space in advance this time. I just settled down to my room and then got out to register at the shala. I was thinking it would be crowded but it was very few people online... so it was quick... After the registration, I could not resist to go to Anokhi garden to see if Flora was there! I was missing her so much the whole summer. So I walked down to the cafe, the door was open, I went in and saw Olivie who seemed like he never left the place. I guess I also looked like I never left Gokulam either to him... I asked if Flora was there and he told me that she was inside. I walked in and there Flora was talking with someone and as soon as she saw me, she jumped out of her seat and hugged me. She was so happy, I was so happy! It was so great to unite with my friend, almost a sister she is to me now! We both went through some difficult stuff this summer... and it was great to see her back here and lively again, and to her, I looked good since I was so much fed with life in Eressos... So we were both standing across from each other with big smiles on our faces! We talked a bit and afterwards we walked out to the coconut stand, just on our way out from the cafe, Mari showed up and I was so happy also to see her! I was hungry but Anu's was still closed until Sunday due to renovations and so I went to Nilgri's to get some curd and fruits and headed back home for a breakfast food... Luckily I had some food that I brought from home so I did not have to do big shopping as soon as I arrived...

Sunday was the first practice, led primary serious. It was so few people in front of the shala when I arrived! The gates opened, and we calmly went inside instead of the rush of the crowded times! The shala is not so full, it is such a luxury! I am loving it. We are perhaps 50 people... Sharath is in good mood... All is good. Tuesday also he did a led class for some reason... Anyways, first whole week is primary always... Today was self-practice and Sharath had two of the students from his last training assisting him! That was really nice, nice to have students among us also teaching, and teaching with Sharath. Things are changing...

Also Canan and Pinar are here. Two Turkish ladies... I know them from Istanbul. Both have been practicing ashtanga for some time. I am happy that they came to have this amazing experience. It is also nice that they are not here in the crazy hectic season so they are slowly getting hang of the was things and enjoying it all. It is not crazy in the shala with a big crowd, Sharath is more attentive since less people and then it was not difficult at all to find housing, so perfect for a first time!

ohh one new thing I forgot to mention. Now chanting classes with Laksmish is mandatory. Three times a week in the mornings for 45 minutes. This morning was our first class. I realized many from what we were chanting with Richard...

Afroz

I spent 18 days at Osho Afroz meditation center and each day was blissful. Going to Afroz was the best thing I have done this whole summer. Afroz is in Eressos, which is at the southwest part of the Lesvos island. This was my second time there and it seems like each time I am falling in love with this place more deeply. I arrived on August 4, during noon. Lucky me, that date there was a boat leaving Turkey in the morning, so I arrived to Afroz by noon instead of taking the afternoon boat and arriving at night… Then I had enough time to get my tent and settle down and then go to the beach for a swim… Next day, a friend whom I knew from Pune arrived and she also start practicing with me in the mornings at the Buddha Hall. Then a friend from last year also began joining us for practice, then there was another one who was doing his sitting meditation/pranayama/asanas… So each morning was beautiful with this small group. Other than the morning practice, there were meditations we participated each morning, evening and of course also beach meditation ☺

After a week my sister also arrived and the Osho festival began. It was really beautiful. I was planning to come back but I could not. I ended up staying the whole festival. There were friends from last year, from Pune, and then lots of new ones I met this time! The festival was really fun and there were really nice workshops. The music was great, musicians were great… Every evening meeting with live music, and many active meditations with live music! Ahhh it was so alive. I became alive again with life, with love, I discovered my life source again…

Words are not really enough to describe it all… I woke up to life, to living… This summer has been demoralizing for me and I ended up in this very negative mood from which I could not get myself out. It was like falling into a pit and not knowing how to get out of it, or as if I was punishing myself with staying down there… In Afroz, I finally saw the stairs going up and I got the courage to go out of the pit. Finally, I could breath again! And I felt so much love, so much light from all around, from people, from the nature, from the universe… I realized that there is nothing to worry about, existence takes care of all this and it will also take care of me. I felt Osho’s words penetrating me again, lifting me up, encouraging me to go on. It was a beautiful time with beautiful friends, sisters, brothers, lovers…

Inconsistency...

When I read or listen to something, sometimes it just comes and goes… Therefore, since childhood, I had to write down things to understand, to learn, to think about, etc. I write things that make me wonder these days. Last week I was reading last pages of the long introduction to the Principle Upanishads. And among many, one took my attention more than the others, so I kept going back and rereading those lines… It was "The vulgar look for their gods in water, men of wider knowledge in celestial bodies, the ignorant in (images made of) wood or stone but the wise see the Supreme in their own self." Then I put this on face book and to be honest I thought that it might stir up something. And I was not wrong, someone got offended in a way I would not imagine; they thought this was arrogant and looking down to Pagan, Shamanic, Indigenous cultures… Ha! I never intended that… One thing is what I write does not necessarily represent me, or show what I believe in… With this quote, which is actually from Darsanopanisad, I was struck… And, in the next few lines it read “The yogins see the Supreme in the self, not in the images. The images are conceived for the sake of contemplation by the ignorant.” I thought about it for a week, I went back to it and reread it several times… And my first reaction was “but how, how, how do I see it in myself? I am not able to…” And then I thought about what one of my teachers would say, that one can use images to concentrate, to meditate but when one gets it, wakes up, then they drop the image, or the breath, or whatever was there to serve as a tool and then naturally, anyways everything becomes the Brahman… so I thought to myself, well if there is anyway for me, it will be the ignorant’s way (according to these line) in the beginning… Maybe I use the breath, not an image but I have to use something… Rereading these lines were reminding me that it is actually within whatever one is seeking outside… that the resource is inside, we sit on it as one sits on a treasure without being aware… However, it is not so easily graspable for some, and therefore one might have a need to put reminders, and also reminders not to get lost in what we use as a tool, not to get attached to it that we cannot let go of it when we need to…

I also think that unless one sees the divine inside it is not so possible to see the divine in other beings/things… Isn’t it always said that unless you love yourself you cannot love another; it seems very similar… And perhaps these indigenous, shamanic, and pagan cultures have much better connection with themselves and so their practices are not the practice of an ignorant… I studied a bit of Anthropology so I know how dangerous it can be to analyze other cultures from our own perspective, conditioning… how it can be patronizing. Surely I had no such intention and I really don’t know about them since I have never done a field study on such a culture…

But of course I see that I might need to be more careful with what I put out there… It is very open to be misunderstood… and also sometimes we are very prone to misunderstand each other because of preconceptions about each other. I am not trying to hurt anybody or criticize anybody… I am not a philosopher, nor an advanced meditater… I am not after a belief system and I can be inconsistent and I actually want to have the right to be inconsistent… nothing is really fixed…

Rain and the thoughts that come and go with it...

Rainy days… Yesterday was a rainy day. I love summer rain so much and also the thunders! It takes me to my childhood. When I was a kid, for sure every summer there would be summer rains to my remembering. I would be in the island, in my grandmother’s house. We would be at the balcony just before the garden so I would have an open view. I would watch the rain, watch the big streams of brownish water running down the sides of the stairs of the street in front of my grandmother’s house. The rain would wash the dusty streets, and the smell of the air would become fresher, more earthy… So each time it rains in the summer, I go back to these memories and not only to these images and smells but also the way I felt during those times… like a kid.

Well today is no rain, a bit cloudy only… Yesterday the practice was nice, power was on, I woke up before the alarm… and my energy was good. Therefore, I thought today would not be so good, it is already Thursday and I already had a nice practice the day before, so I thought I would be dragging a bit. However, to my surprise it was even better, I was intact and I really enjoyed all of it… how I condition myself to have a weak practice just because the day before was good already… Well the surprise is there!

Other than all this, I went back to Guru stuff yesterday after I had a chat with a friend. I feel a bit thorn inside… regarding someone… I have to look in to see what is there to learn… I was wondering this morning if we can be forced to change our Guru, the one teacher whom one felt closest to their soul. I guess we can be and there, a big let go had to happen. I know there is an Osho group called The Freedom process, which is again to shed the conditionings, and from what I heard from my sister, it is also to get freedom from the Guru… I guess it is like Primal where one gets freedom from the parents, symbolically killing the parents who contributed to conditionings, and so one can see them from a different angle, for the person they are… and so I guess with Freedom process one gets rid of the Guru in order to get rid of the ideal we create in our mind so we are not restricted on our path… and also to realize the ordinariness of the Guru as well… I mean, we tend to put people on a pedestal, but sooner or later they disappoint us because we built all these expectations around them… anyways… So, I wonder, but then I see it is a turning point for me. The seed was planted during Richard’s intensive. I realized how amazing Richard was but also how accessible and humble and ironic… he did not represent himself other than the human being he was and so with this, I understood that our teachers are just people like anybody, and some with amazing knowledge, big heart, great understanding, with so much to share but no need to get all nervous in front of them. One of the most valuable things I got from the TI was that my teachers should be reachable and I should be able to talk and ask question to them when I need to… with one of my teachers I felt very close to my heart, I would feel so nervous in front of him, I would not even be able to talk with him properly… but this time, I was much more relaxed and when I talked to him, I saw he had so much to say back, it was beautiful. I realized how much I was missing because I was making him unreachable in my mind… And now I am thinking that I need to let go of him for the time being because of circumstances, which are built around him by him and by others… I am sure I will see him again when the time is right.

I was thinking what Tias told me once, that he is ever more interested in creating space in the body… I never forgot that. And these days I was thinking what another teacher said, that we do not kill our thoughts but give them space in our mind. I think now what I need the most is to create space in my mind so I can give space to these thoughts that are cluttered a bit ☺

All this...

Few weeks back, I read an article by Sri Swami Sivananda which was published at Namarupa’s April volume. The article’s title was Guru and it was about (no surprise) Gurus. What is it to be a Guru, and why there is need for a Guru, sticking with only one Guru, parampara meaning spiritual knowledge handed down from Guru to disciple, and then meaning of initiation, and then sakti sanchar, transmission of spiritual power from Guru to disciple, but also need for effort by the disciple, mare touch of the Guru is not enough… Most of these I heard from teachers before. Then the other day I read the May Volume of Namarupa and this time there was an article about Jillellamudi Mother who was considered to be reincarnation of Divine Mother. The article was the story of Mother being initiated by a Guru but it was not an ordinary story, it was not an ordinary initiation since at the end the “Guru” had been initiated by the Mother! When she was young, the Mother taken by a relative to Rajamma who was doing initiation in mantra yoga. Rajamma was acting the Guru to the book as it would be described but she had not experienced the Divine and the Mother at the time was already in touch with the divine. So, the initiation process took sometime, and the Mother challenged Rajamma in their conversations to show that the Guru and the disciple are not different from one another, that the one who is initiated and the one who initiated are One, that the ritual is there and one does it but once the One is experienced then you are free from all that… “… for Mother, God was not an abstraction. He was a lived fact, a supreme fact which includes all–ignorance as well as wisdom, weakness as well as power, darkness as well as light.” At the end of it, Mother was saying that God is the only Guru and he finds you, plants a seed in you… This was a good story, which reminded of Osho, I guess Mother’s wit… At the same time, I was reminded of the talks I have listened by one of my teachers… Remembering the talks by our teacher where he would explain “Krishna says everything emanates out of me. So, also as you think that you are such a bad mediator while you sit in your cushion, Krishna says that’s me too, you say I am ignorance and Krishna goes yep that is me too, and on and on… if one gives away the sense of specialness, things become ecstatic; reframing, everything becomes Krishna…” Therefore, I have been contemplating around these teachings… Trying to reevaluate how I see things, how I respond to them, my intelligence understanding but my conditional reactions still being there, yet still going back and remembering those who show me the way, who plant the seed, the Guru.

It has been difficult for me this past month. It was nothing really vital but still there were confusions, some hard feelings by others, things to decide, trying to reach agreements… Well, the thing was I and my friend P. decided to teach together and work for ourselves, create our own space, hopefully our own shala. However, there have been some confusions around all this andwe try to understand other people and their feelings and perspectives. Our plan to realize this was much further away but to be honest, we told it much earlier, 6 months before, still it was not enough time for some… Yet, I believe, we believe all will be fine. My friends’ with whom I worked for the last two years offered their space again which was really heartening and supportive, we appreciated their openness. However, we decided it is time to move on, grow up and realize our dream by ourselves. Of course, I get shocked sometimes with some reactions of others… It makes me think that I was not able to share/give anything, but not only that I question what yoga is good for if it will end up like this? What are we taking with us? On the other hand, I am trying to see that this is not yoga, not the responsibility of the practice or mine, everyone is responsible for their own actions… Well, for me it has been difficult because I can be too sensitive but each day was like a reminder to try to wake up to the reality… And also to realize that all is Krishna, the one who criticizes and who praises, the one who insults and who supports, my weaknesses and my good sides, all is the divine…

In the mids of all this, my practice has been full on. I realized that how it keeps me together. Some days, the early morning practices were the only times I felt a bit of peace and experienced a space free of worry. One more time, I was thankful for the practice, for the tools I was taught in the practice, with the practice; watching, listening, sitting and having faith…

Ganga and this and that...

Last Wednesday morning I had a dream that got stuck in my mind… it was somehow powerful I guess. In my dream, I was pregnant and at the same time I was about to get married. The main thing in the dream was that I knew the baby was a boy and I wanted to name him Ganga. My friend, whom I was getting married to, was really against this. But I was really determined, I was saying that Ganga was such a good name and I already knew Baba Puri’s son and daughter, Ganga and Gangotri, who were brilliant, lovely people. My friend on the other hand was saying that so many people died by that river because of the conflict between India and Pakistan… well the river is not by Pakistan, but this is a dream… Anyways, I was not gonna change my mind, he was Ganga. According to some friends, being pregnant might indicate that I will give birth to something new, a new project, a new beginning, a job, etc…

Today is mom’s birthday. I spent most of the weekend with my parents. It was lovely in the island. We picked sour cherries and plums with my father in their garden. I love sour cherries even though they are really sour ☺ Mom was happy to be together. This morning I practiced in the living room. I sweated a lot at some point because the sun was just rising across… Then someone opened the door behind and the fresh island air came in. Afterwards, I had breakfast with mom…

For lunch, I met with C and D who are visiting Istanbul. They are here for one of their friends’ wedding. We went to a restaurant called Çiya which has regional food. This was also my first time in that restaurant. It was nice, we had lots of different kind of greens. The restaurant is on the Anatolian side. I came there directly from the island, they came from the European side. After lunch we took the boat back to the European side. While we were walking back to the port from the restaurant, I could not resist going into one of the dried fruits and nuts store. I got some dried figs and almonds, they got some dried apricots. Out from the store, C saw the olive oil soaps in another shop, so they got some of that. The boat ride was nice, it was very enjoyable since I was with two others who were really loving Istanbul, and curious about the city. I love the boat rides always but with friends like this, it was even better… Yeah, I felt all jolly when we said goodbye and parted ways. I hope they come back soon.

Farewell one more time...

Impermanence… keep reading about this, listening about this, but the understanding comes with experience. Joseph has also gone, Joseph Dunham. So many passing from our lives… I wish him peace. He will be missed…

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

These days, everything seems in flux. Something is on the way, the thing is to decide what it is… we will do that, without hurrying, patience and listening… Nothing to worry actually but the anxiety comes with trying to make the right choice while trying to stay with our intention. Yes, vagueness…

Practice is full power in a sense that it is the space where I have the most peace of mind. So, I see one more time, even if it does not take me anywhere, it holds me together.

By the way, I made the laundry detergent and it works fine… I like it. Not difficult to make it either.

Coffee Cup

This week also has passed. Half of it was dark and rainy and the other half turned out to be sunny and bright and just like the weather, my mood also. Maybe not as sudden switches as with the weather but from going really dark to getting lighter and to more optimistic and to smiling and strong… I now see that the period my friend was talking about when she read my coffee cup last summer was this one… I have a friend who is very psychic and I really like her, she can be a bit crazy at times ☺ I enjoy her reading my coffee cup which is a Turkish tradition. After you drink the Turkish coffee there is a big lump of coffee grounds at the bottom of your small cup and you cover the cup with the plate of the cup and then turn it around so the coffee cup is upside down. Then you wait until the cup cools down, and afterwards the person who will read the coffee cup opens it and tells you what they see from all the shapes formed by the coffee grounds ran down the side of the cup and dried out… My sister and I are really untalented in this; whenever we look into the cup, we try to see things, first say ohh I see a girl, I see fish, etc… and then end up with “ufff I donnu” I guess the point is not trying to see things but either you just make up stuff ☺ or if you are really psychic you connect with your insight and the coffee cup is only a medium which helps you tell what you foresee… Anyways, the last time my friend read my coffee cup she told me that there is one period coming up which will be difficult and when it is over I will say “ohh ok I have done it, it is over, I resolved what there is to resolve…” but that is only cleaning one shelf and there is one above, thus there will be another period which will be also very trying and even more but will be good for me to clear more garbage. So I see now I am there, in the second shelf… The good thing is there are good resources out there to help one. I had a beautiful session yesterday with a very good Osho therapist. How she could be so simple and get all that out of me in less than an hour and see things clearly and help initiate a transformation? I was amazed. I heard that she is like that but of course there is always doubt… but after the session I could not feel any doubt, there was no question in my mind because everything was so clearly laid out in front of me. However, to go on, effort is needed, nothing happens by its own. For the transformation to take its course, to take off, as the famous astrologist in Mysore keeps saying, “Human effort is needed” ☺

Last Goodbye

We went to see Bodhi Ray before they put him in the coffin and wrapped him up. It took me a while to find the funeral house because the address, which was given was the old address, they moved to another place, but I made it. The funeral house was amongst auto repair shops, kind of a weird place to be but I guess here it is like that… When I arrived there were few other sannyasins, Bodhi Ray’s body in white sheets with his mala over, a bouquet of white and red roses, and an Osho photo… Osho songs, the ones which usually played during death celebrations, were playing from someone’s ipod… Some sang softly to the music, swaying their bodies, some were crying, some were just standing… His face was smiling, eyes open… felt peaceful. Tears rolled down from my eyes… It was not necessarily sadness; it was remembering what he has given, shared with me during my first time in Pune when I did his breath group. It was the first intense group I did, so what I saw, realized and experienced during that group stayed with me very alive… I remembered his energy, his insight, and his softness… It was beautiful… I felt that he had a good life, he was comfortable with himself, he was open to people and was able to share so well… After a while, they put him in his coffin, we put his mala, the roses, the Osho photo over and left his face open before they closed it up. It was good to see him, good to say last goodbye. Thank you Bodhi Ray, thank you...

One moment we are here and another moment...

How everything is unpredictable actually… As I write these lines, I remember the disappointment of my econometrics teacher after 9/11. How all his predictions became garbage after that one morning… how he realized that as much as we want, there is no way of predicting the future really… Life has a way of showing us the reality, sometimes brutally, in a way which makes us feel silly about all of our worries, suffering… Sometimes it comes like a blow... But I also realize that most of our suffering comes not from this present time, but from our past, from our childhood and maybe from past lives, stuck on us, we carry them wherever we go and trying to shake them off now and then…
Today I was reminded that one moment we are here and another moment we have gone… how actually there is an urgency to live this life as it deserves to be lived… my heart is with my friend, my heart is with the one who has gone, and we will all remember him and we will all be with her, with love…

Go

Today, initiated a big step ahead. Now it is is up to the universe kind of… It is exciting and scary at the same time...

After I split ways, I walked down Istiklal Street, not exactly knowing my destination, thinking that I might go and see my body in her jewelry shop… Then I came by Saint Antuan church and I went in. Once in a while I go in there and light some candles and then go on my way. I am not a Christian, I don’t really practice any organized religion but I respect them all as long as they don’t kill each other. My mom grew up in one of the Princess Islands where there were Turkish, Greek blooded Turkish (as they call themselves Rum) and Armenian people living. Now there are not many Rums and Armenians left… The island has an orthodox church, a monastery, which if I translate named something like “Seclusion from the world” and then there is the Priest school on top of the hill. Therefore, mom grew up being used to going to these places for a visit, to light a candle, to make a prayer, to attend a ceremony… and when I was a kid, she would also take us together… In this manner, I got the habit of going into churches. This time, I went in and lighted three candles and then I sat on one of the wooden benches. I sat there, opened my palms, feeling the vibration of the church. Maybe because there has been a lot of people praying and services happening or because this church has been there for a long while since 1870s and has witnessed the history of the city, one feels the energy in the space easily. I sat first staring at the beautiful light blue sealing with golden ornaments and stained glasses on top… and then I just sat, my mind going into planning and me shushing it for a bit of stillness… back and forth… watching was not possible so much… Then I got up and looked at the people behind me, one old man just staring ahead, one young woman sitting a bit restlessly and then this young man looking down with a big smile as if he just proposed to her and she said yes… I walked out to the sun light. As I was approaching to my body’s shop I remembered she would not be there so I turned back and walked home with all these things spinning in my mind and time to let go…I got home and wrote a lot but was not sure whether to publish it all, it was a lot of justification... and I was not sure whether there was a point or not.

Then I picked an Osho Zen card which says...
"FIGHTING: The figure in this card is completely covered in armor. Only his glare of rage is visible and the whites of the knuckles on this clenched fists. If you look closely at the armor, you can see it's covered with buttons, ready to detonate if anybody so much as brushes up against them. In the background we see the shadowy movie that plays in this man's mind - two figures fighting for a castle. An explosive temper or a smoldering rage often masks a deep feeling of pain. We think that if we frighten people away, we can avoid being hurt even more. In fact just the opposite is the case. By covering our wounds with armor we are preventing them from being healed. By lashing out at others we keep ourselves from getting the love and nourishment we need. If this description seem to fit you, it's time to stop fighting. There is so much love available to you if you just let in. Start by forgiving yourself; you're worth it.
One moment it was there, another moment it is gone. One moment we are here, and another moment we have gone. And for this simple moment, how much fuss we make - how much violence, ambition, struggle, conflict, anger, hatred. Just for this small moment! Just waiting for the train in a waiting room on a station, and creating so much fuss: fighting, hurting each other, trying to posses, trying to boss, trying to dominate - all that politics. And then the train comes and you are gone forever."

happy journeys to all of us...

Mental poop and laundry detergent

This blog is mostly about what I come across in daily life and then some mental poop, not about incredible stories of self-realization, evolution… I guess half of the time I write about mental poop. It is like what one of my teachers was saying “when you sit, it goes all “me, me, me” and you see that you are sitting in your own poop.” And just like this, sometimes my blog is like that, I don’t hide anything, pretty much self-exposure. I guess I make it easy to be criticized… but hey I am not going to try to make myself likable because that just does not work, whoever will not like me, will not like me eventually anyway. I cannot really change that. And what I was told and also actually experienced for myself is that you can teach what you practice… it is not for anybody to dictate that, not me, you or anybody else.

Okey, on a lighter note, I am going to make my own laundry detergent. I came across the recipe on the web some weeks ago. But I guess I bought one wrong ingredient. I got barote instead of borax :p… lets see, I will still use it because the pharmacy lady said that barote can be used for detergent making and that is actually why I got that when I was just about the get barox… It is not complicated, I will see if it works.