Piano...

When I was learning to play the piano as small child, my piano teacher would ask my mom after each class how I managed to stay in mom’s belly for 9 months.  I was impatient with the notes; hurrying, running over notes that were suppose to be held longer… Most of the time, she would teach me short Mozart pieces which bore me a bit after a while ( no offence, I love Mozart) because they were always similar to one another.  Later on, when I was in high school I started to take classes from another teacher who would teach conservatory students and he gave me lots of exercises to begin with and then there came Bach, and Chopin…. The exercises were good for me but also the complexity of Bach…  made me concentrate wholly…  Afterwards, the first year and a half of college I was at Grinnell, where we could take 30-minute piano classes once a week for a mere hundred bucks during each semester.  Being in Iowa, which could be utterly boring if you weren’t a pot smoker, I began practicing every day for an hour.  There, I really began to play the piano … I was totally absorbed during those one-hour time slots in the piano room.  There were 4 or 5 piano rooms we could sign up for, and two of them had grand Steiner pianos which I loved playing…  The amazing thing was that, with minimum instructions (30 min a week), but with daily practice, I played the piano at my best… and I guess at that point I also learned to be more patient with the notes that were suppose to be held longer…

Now, time to time, I get excited about playing the piano again.  Now I have no piano, but maybe a keyboard, which is similar to a piano, can do the job…  However, I am sure to be very rusty since it has been years…  I have to go to basics to become quick with reading the notes again and then some drills to get quick with my fingers and then start playing some pieces of music…  This is one of my dreams… why?  Because I love music and I know that it is one of the things which makes me totally absorbed.., so very meditative.

Why am I writing all this?  Perhaps there is more than one reason…  One of them is seeing how impatient I can be which reminds me my childhood piano teacher and the book KA where it is written “...that impatience is the only sin” and the other thing is the Mysore room which is when it is full, makes me totally absorbed, total like when I used to play the piano.  I also have a dream that one day things will become more steady in my life… where I will be living in a more natural environment with a beloved, teaching yoga together, and perhaps there will be space for a piano like keyboard in one corner of our home… I hope this is not a mere dream but a possibility… I wish for this with my whole heart.

be light

Finally on a lighter note J I am feeling fine, I am feeling that my hormones are playing pranks on me each month and I began worrying about things without any cause…  And this morning I decided it is enough, I can see this and practice not taking it seriously. I just read this on a wall of a friend “Worrying is like praying for what you don’t want” ha!  Have to remember this! And I have to enjoy being in love; really, otherwise what is the point???

I also realized this morning why it is important to have a teacher and why actually good teacher trainings are kind of necessary to learn how to teach and adjust… I actually learned a valuable lesson this time while I was gone regarding one’s practice versus teaching. These don’t necessarily reflect each other; yes they can but teaching is a whole different skill which we learn by time, hopefully by studying with good teachers, ideally assisting them… 

Well today is a sunny nice day.  I am reading “Krishnamacharya: His life and Teaching” by A.G. Mohan which is an easy and an interesting read and I should finish it soon… ok, there has been few times I complained that he brags maybe too much regarding being close to Krishnamacharya, but I guess I am a bit envies, I mean who would not be proud of this? J I heard about Mohan and his book from a friend who was in Mysore while Mohan was invited to the shala to give a speech this past season… What is interesting in the book is how Krishnamacharya would give different recipes for each student and how he was always keen on accepting only the really interested people as students which I like…

the mermaid

I am not grounded today…  I feel lots of fear without any reason…  it makes me want to give up everything in life.  I know this sounds so negative but this is how I feel.  I am such an impatient one, I want to see everything laid out in front of me, I want to be sure of what is ahead even though I know this is not possible even when I plan things carefully.  There are always changes, adjustments that come along with time. Before, I did not feel so much fear perhaps because I was the king of my own kingdom…  but now it is different and I am so scared of being hurt that I see that my paranoia can ruin things.  I don’t know how to be serene because all these unconscious old patterns are being awakened and they are bombarding my psyche.  During these times I feel as if nothing is helping me, not the asana, not the meditation, not the therapy, everything out the window and I am on my own with my fears… I suddenly lack trust in myself and in life, that things will be ok, I will be ok no matter what happens.  I forget that painful situations as well as beautiful ones take me wherever I need to be going.  I forget that this need to control things is not helpful but stressful for everyone... this goes on forever… but then I also see that perhaps because of these times, because of this tendency to be so ungrounded that I need such a physically challenging practice which brings me back to my body, back to this earth… 

As I think all these, I keep experimenting.  Just as I think no practice works, I sat on the cushion to see what will happen.…  It brings a bit calmness but that is not for certain each time, next time I might find myself in tears…  But reminding myself, over and over, that we are not separate, we are not all that different from each other and so learning to accept.  As I sat today, the little mermaid story came to my mind…  When I was a kid, each time I was told that story I sobbed; my heart went for the little mermaid… maybe I did associate with her and still does, afraid of becoming a foam in the sea…  So, not to become a foam in the sea, to stay in this body, I have to make sure to wake up for my asana practice tomorrow morning… just like this I have to keep practicing all day long, taming the body, taming the breath, taming the mind, taming the emotions… and then let whatever is suppose to happen, happen…

Time

I donnu how it is slipping through my hands…  It makes me wonder where I will end up in no time again…  I am being reminded of my mom’s words to me when I was too depressed last summer, her telling me not to waste my time with being so sad because this precious time we have goes by so fast, that she cannot believe how the time passed so fast that I am in my 30s now…  Well she of course had a point but also it was invaluable for me at that time to go down so low…  It showed me a lot, also made me feel things more deeply, not pleasant feelings but rather disturbing ones which made me face myself more honestly and brought this process of learning to except myself with more openness… It is still an on going process which will take a life time…

I am facing myself in my practice everyday but also now in someone else who is mirroring me in so many ways…  Practicing on the mat has been fine. Things that I work on do not come easily and then still there are things happening slowly slowly… Some days I get frustrated, why so slow progress??? and then I see it is my mind which gets fixated on doing it the wrong way!  Ha! I am so prone to expect the negative, it is also in my practice and then of course that can be the result. This is actually a good lesson because it is in other parts of my life as well.  One part of my life has been high lighted for the past couple of months.  I have been avoiding it so well and now I have to open the doors and windows and let the new air circulate; however, it is not easy.  Many spider webs, holding onto old memories, old feelings, visions…  I shrink and get scared because expect same ways of treatment I had before which has nothing to do with the one in front of me, …  Then I go to other end, I panic and try to hold on really tight so it does not slip away and of course everything gets cramped up when there is no space to breath..  and one more time to the other side of the pendulum, I begin thinking about giving up, “what is the point, it won’t work anyways” syndrome...  so back and forth…  negative to positive, all great to hell run…  Of course my point of reference is not the actuality of now but the past… Events and people from the past and past behaviour patterns of mine which were adopted at the time due to circumstances that have little to do with the present moment, present me or with the person across from me.  Ahh, this is harder then the yoga practice on my mat.  Realizing, and not going on with all this habitual patterns of past but creating a new reality, a new belief system, new point of view, new ways of responding, communicating and a way to see the reality with naked eyes rather than with a vision blurred with the past…  On the other hand, I guess my practice on the mat still can inform this new task I took upon, and create a reference point. One point to start from is to not give up and to take the task everyday in the same way I take upon my daily practice… I owe this to myself not because there has to be something grand at the end of this whole thing, maybe it will fade away, but I think there is a great possibility of learning, and understanding that can come out of it just as there was from the low I have been through last summer.  I don’t want to avoid, run away from it due to my fears.  I have enough confidence to face other parts of life as well… and there is this beautiful being in front of me who is as human as I am and not afraid to show this to me, no pretentiousness, much openness and same as me dealing with fears and reluctances…    

So many moons

So, so many moons takes one to get wherever they need to arrive to…  I have lots of way ahead me, I know.  I have been through this and that, many countries, many cities, many trips, many living situations, many people, no people…  one after another, keep changing, keep diverging, leaving, coming…  What is the destination I do not know, I do not think so much about where I am going to arrive at, but the journey has been really interesting so far.  How did I end up in India at a friends wedding at a Hindu temple that they found on the side of the road to Arpora? I looked around felt so blessed for my new family.  I felt gratitude for my guts which took me away from where I was few years back…  I felt gratitude for my teachers, friends who shared willingly with their whole heart.  Time has been flowing since that time I looked around and felt so blessed; this happened again and again, looking around and feeling amazed.  Beginning to know myself a bit more each time, struggling with it and then letting go… Making mistakes and realizing them, feeling lousy and then again letting go, learning to let go.  Feeling supported by generous friends, teachers and sometimes feeling to be let down… all there as it is and seeing it, excepting it and sometimes becoming reactive which does not help but teaches a lot :p…  and patient ones who keep walking beside you…  which again thought me a lot, the generous hearts, forgiving hearts… lasting beautiful friendships where we all had to be honest at the end and realize the beauty and humanness in each other… 

What is ahead I do not know but I can guess that it will not be less interesting than what had been already.  I thank this lifetime even for this much.  Now is a beautiful space I share with another, what is next we do not know… but present is a beautiful present… 

re-reminder...

I found something I have written last year in August...  It touched me deeply as i read it today, so I wanted to share it again...


Conditioned by the society most of us torture ourselves. There are no real differences among us, but we forget this as we grow up… and then the big part of the whole work becomes to work out that the differences are just mind games… even on our quest for truth we create separations. In our love for another we worry ourselves with differences… with love to ourselves we do not give totally because we feel separate and think that something must be wrong with ourselves… let go is necessary, a big let go of all this ideas of being higher or lower, failure or success, good or bad, beautiful or ugly… let the power of love work and see the miracle happening. Support each other to let the jewel in every being to shine and become visible. I thank my practice, my teachers, my friends, my beautiful sister and OSHO for reminding me that there is something beautiful in this world that makes life worth living!

from rawness to ripeness...

I think about relationships these days.  And as I do, I see how fearful I can become... However, suddenly I had this opportunity to stop which was during my visit to Tarcin the cat, who will pass away very soon :(.  As I was caressing her, I remembered one more time that we are borne to this life to die at one point, and the time between our birth and death is the time to discover who we are, to realize ourselves instead of trying to improve, fix, change what is already there...  Learning to relax into being ourselves, having the courage to unfold what is deep down.  I realized that there is no reason to be apologetic about myself, about having the potential of being a pain in the neck some of the times or whatever... because those are irrelevant to who I am, to who any person is.  The person who will be with me will choose to be with me for who is in there, not for some other image they have in mind.  and I shall be with someone for who they are not for any other reason.  What occurs is a big growing, learning, maturing process between the two.  No expectations to load on anyone since no one can fulfill those.  Yet there is always possibility to learn from each other, by looking with naked eyes to one another and experiencing the good and the bad in one another, by practicing patience to be with the other in hard times and enjoying the experience each person brings into the union... and no need to loose oneself in the other, because it is a union of two halves, not one taking over the other.  

There is one quote from the book I read about Rumi I keep remembering, it says that nobody can transcend from rawness to ripeness on their own... so I have to keep reminding this to myself; to engage with people to know myself and perhaps no matter how painful some of the relations on the way...  I am not scared, there is nothing to be scared of.  

Tarcin, the alpha cat will be gone.  We will never forget her, and I will ever be thankful to her for bringing me back home to myself, to now...  what is in the future we never know, but there is now I cannot miss...

Athena and I

Today I had to remember to stop like it would be perhaps with Gurdjieff… now I stop to see my mind and if it has anything to do with reality of now or if t is just bringing in old stuff out of the closets of my memory bank… 

I got a bit anxious yesterday… It began with “ohh I am being flaky with my commitments” and then this is followed with other judgments of the self, and then panicking about the future and finally trying to make a u turn from all this. After all, I slept and actually had a good dream, which began fading as soon as I woke up…  I just felt the pleasantness of the dream, and then I saw it just slipping by from the memory since it was so early in the morning…

Well, is there anything substantial with my fears… maybe yes, maybe no…  However, it does not matter, I just have to live this time, which is so limited and can be so eternal… Life is presenting a gift maybe and I can miss it if I go round and round and confuse myself.  Last night, before I went to bed, I realized that I am not the person I was before, and if anything now, I can stop and see things a bit more clearly perhaps and practice to refine…  and no need to expect to be perfect, not to expect anybody to be perfect, or just to realize it is perfect as it is, me, the other, and others and everything else…   Practicing not getting lost on the way; keep waking up to now.  And remembering I will not be the same person tomorrow either, while Athena will be in Pergamom museum for a while longer looking as gorgeous as before where she represents a bit of the eternal in all... some dichotomy to think about :)

eternity in now

Good question,  how long is now? I guess it is as long as one makes it. August was not long at all but I have known months which were so long…  

Now, back in Istanbul after such a transformative month in Berlin.  First, it was amazing Maty whom I loved instantly!  She was a full power, inspiring, true heart.  I have no words to describe her.  I learned in those two weeks more than I have learned during last couple of years.  I bow to her with respect and love.  It was pretty sad to see her leave after those two weeks. Then, Chuck came and we had a moment until we got on the groove with him and that was mostly because of the course being split up like this.  However, after a while, we got on a very efficient track and he thought us a lot as well.  Chuck is very very good with his adjustments, of course he cheats a bit with his advantage of long limbs that can reach further than we could manage J but seriously he taught us well! and now I am looking forward to studying with them again and again... 

Of course, after a while we all blended pretty well.  I met lovely people in this course. Also there was a Goa group, those of us who have met before in Goa and also in Mysore. Well, one always meets lovely people in these courses I guess, but this time I was emotional…   I got so used to everyone, I felt really sad to apart at the end. This usually does not happen with me because I have been leaving places over and over so when the time would arrive, I would almost disconnect from my feelings… but then the ashtangi world is small, so hopefully I will see them at one point in one of those places we go for practice.

On the other hand, things seem to be shifting. Maybe it is the period I am in or each time I go deeper… I feel like this course affected me deeply, and changed me in some ways, touched my heart in several places.  I felt very emotional at times; very connected to the pain of a friend; got new understanding about practice, how it should and should not be and so on…  Also I have been watching some of those missing links in my life for the past few months and at the end of this month, I am being given a ticket to take a leap.  Now with a bit of tremble in my heart, I am daring to do things differently… As I wrote to a friend, it feels like a new chapter of my life is beginning suddenly and I have to figure out how to place myself in it, and it is so sudden and it feels so much like "uhh can it be real, how did I jump here from there..."  This is how it is with me, usually it is not progressive, I suddenly find myself in a new territory. And now learning to navigate in this new territory… my practice and teaching are changing as well as my priorities.  Well, change in the first two is always expected and welcomed so we grow as practioners, and teachers… but the last one!  With me, the stubborn one who would not look right or left, nor hear any alternative to her plans, compromise from them, now is thinking maybe it is time to bend the rules a bit to make room for other parts of my life… ha! but that is also the part of practice, isn’t it? as one of my first teachers told me…  relating, letting go of the past, learning from past mistakes, learning to look inside, making room for another, daring to take risks for change, to question and many more are all part of the practice… slowly I will see if I can… Dear Silvia told me I can do anything I want, and so I better remember that... 

inquiry to go in

This months, I am in Berlin doing a teacher intensive with Maty Ezraty and Chuck Miller. As always, these kind of intensives bring stuff to the surface, raise issues within oneself and within the circle....

First of all it has been great two weeks with Maty. Now on, it will be another two weeks with Chuck. Maty was a joyful and a very good teacher. I think she has a genius with the way she works with the students. She is very sharp to see what is going in ones' body... and she does not hold back from any student, she teaches and tries to serve everyone of her students with the same enthusiasm... That is I guess one of the most important qualities in a good teacher. Being interested in every student, approaching to every students with compassion and positive intention...

Being really mesmerized with Maty, I also began going some kind of inquiry... and I can be wavered very easily, what is this called, himmm.... anyways... Of course there is discussions about the system and teachers to practice with when you are in a group like this. There is always dichotomy within systems and then there is that I am better than you among systems... so it goes, " why meditation is not recommended in the ashtanga system; it does not really encompass it all; ashtangis do not meditate; most ashtanga teachers are not good, Mysore is not good etc..." Well I think everyone has to decide for themselves. You can go on talking about this stuff forever but this is pure waste of energy and more of our insecurities creeping up. I think the think is doing just what is right for oneself and being comfortable with that, not having the need to justify yourself. If you want to meditate, meditate, do not weep that system is telling you are not read to do. As a matter of fact, the first time I became interested in meditation was because of one of my first Mysore style Ashtanga teachers. and she was an Authorized, dedicated student of Mysore, so no need to generalize... If your heart is into meditating, then why not do it, figure out for yourself. One person cannot have all answers for us, but then if some others are ok with what they are told to do , then I guess that is what sings to their heart; therefore, one also need go be accepting of those who is comfortable under the wings. We can argue a lot of things and then at the end of the day it can come to the same point. For instance, Maty is very concerned about teaching with safety and she is not comfortable the way most ashtanga teachers teach... She has a point, a very good one but then I also experienced that a teacher claiming to be non violent with their approach to teaching can be violent with their words and attitude to the students to an extent that the student feels discouraged and belittled and all these emotional wounds began happening as if that person needed more to what they have been already caring on... then perhaps we need a balance. One can try to "fix" someone in a posture to perfection but on the way, if it is forgotten that there is a person there, then what does it matter. Would that yoga bring freedom because it positioned the body to perfection?

All systems have their short comings... I have been into Osho's teachings and done Osho groups and meditations since I began practicing yoga. Yoga and Osho also have their little dance going on in between. Most Osho sanyasins find yoga to be too rigid, too much discipline.... and the most yoga people sneer at Osho. I have been thorn between the two for quite a while. And now I see that why think over so much, get into a schizophrenia... Some Osho stuff is not suitable for me, especially in the community, I do not like, i do not feel comfortable with, but is is only some of it, then there are really nice, beautiful people who are willing to listen to your heart no matter what it is, whether you are in rage or bliss, they accept the being. I have to say that many of his meditations, I practiced daily for a while, they brought me to my center, connected to myself. I am sure there are many who do not regard them as effective techniques and think if one does not sit in vipassana for 10 days, they do not know mediation... well what is there to know anyways...

Now I try to bring myself to my center with sharing all this, coming to samasthiti....

and I thank Maty for her great teaching and presence during these past two weeks!  She was wonderful and lots of fun.

sometimes it is all about softness

There is a lot that I think about these days…  and some of it is related to softness…  I know I lost some of my softness on the way, trying to have it all together while I travel or had to face difficult situations, to not to panic, not to feel desperate, not to be taken advantage of, not to seem lost, not to feel vulnerable… so somethings are calcified.  However, now I think that too of a strong hold could be a barrier to the actual strength we have, and to the experiences that life is offering us…  I guess at times, one has to be vulnerable… Like the time I told my friend how I was hurt with all that happened, when I could accept my vulnerability, to the point of sharing with the other. Then I was so free from it latter on…  I was true to myself and to the others, I could not fake all was alright at a time when all felt bitter…  I had to trust that I could handle it no matter what the reactions could be and at the end of it all, I just felt  soft, open and very human with all the imperfections…  I need to remind myself this experience of last fall.  

Yesterday, I realized I also need this softness in my practice; the strength is not necessarily coming from hardness of my muscles, it is like my sweet friend Claire told me while we were waiting our planes at Bangalore airport, it comes from a soft smile, from a soft space within… to much holding of my muscles is actually stopping me to use the strength I have…  it was very interesting to discover…

time to write!

Time to write for me…  so long it has been.. I keep starting to write and then leave it half way…  I have to write to completion. 

I am home for more than a month now.  I began teaching Mysore classes again and it is such a blessing!  I see how much I missed to share what I am receiving from my teachers.  Every teaching is a teacher for me, every student is a new interaction to learn from.  I am starting to drop expectations and just do what I love to do without interfering with the monkey mind :P  It is not always easy, hoping more people would show up, hoping the already existing ones will take upon the practice with big enthusiasm, etc…  but have to learn to stay with what is here and now and just do the best I can… the rest will follow, whatever is suppose to come will follow… have to stay present with faith.

I was very happy to get back home after more than seven months.  I had a long journey.  Mysore days were wonderful.  It was hard to leave…  Then, some traveling to Thailand, which is beautiful, and Sri Lanka with gorgeous beaches…  After two months of due time, back to India again, to Goa.  Studying with Rolf and Marci one more time, such blessing to be with them.  Goa, is the second home, Mysore is the second home… hard to choose between those two.  But the best part of all was to feel that home is the home, I mean Istanbul is the home for now.  I was happy to miss Istanbul finally and have some enthusiasm to make somethings work here. 

So here I am for a while.  Until August I teach, a little break and then teaching again and maybe a Mysore trip.  Practice in the mornings feel good.  I am feeling that I am getting more skilled each time with working on things that I get from my teachers.  Bringing back homework, coming home with things to work on.  Change does not happen over night or sometimes not even in a month, it can take months, years.  But each study I take with my teachers give me something to work on.  Before, I would have the tendency to expect big changes during each study, and sometimes I would feel disappointed… now I see that it does not work like that… the journey is long, and it requires patience, diligence and dedication.  And I love the journey!

By the way, I am thinking of moving to wordpress... any opinions about that?

some of us in Istanbul...

after all made it back!

Soooo I am in Goa! that took a while, ha? Well, I am happy to be here now. Finally, I made it. It was a long process and I don't think I would do it this way again, I mean I would not be travelling around India, waiting two months to be able to get back to India... but this was a good experience as well. I have seen places I have not been to before or been to but did not remember because it had been 19-20 years since I went to Bangkok... Now I know few places that I want to visit again and explore even further and some places to avoid... and then also learning to not do this two month out of India until I can go in thing. Next time, if I want to be back two months later, I would just go home and come back, and in the mean time, there are zillions of things I can do while at home. Well, this summer was tough for me and then I made this travel plan... but now I am gathering my confidence and organizing myself better... On the other hand, I say again that it was a good learning experience... I learned I cannot travel around this long, it is alright when I go somewhere to travel for 10 days or when I go places like Mysore, Goa and settle down for few months but from one place to another and then to another for couple of months is too ungrounding for me. I do not like it and I also start getting health problems such as dental ones :s It is kind of like my astro reading, "painless lessons", (well tooth ache is pretty painful but you get it, it is not the worst thing that can happen)I am learning about what is optimal and what is not for me, and what is worth and what is not worth doing, what is enjoyable and what is not and kind of why the hell I decided that...


The dental stuff as always creeping out... Just before I was going to leave Bangkok for India. The last two days which includes also the day I leave I had to get a root canal. Ok, I could have left it with the emergency care they would do but then I did not know any good dentist in Goa and I was planning to stay for few months... Therefore, I asked them if it was possible to do more treatment so I could last longer wherever I go... The dental hospital and the dentist seemed all good, so I felt safe. But after I got to India last Wednesday, a journey which had few challenges in it (I will tell those in a minute), my tooth began aching. I was not really expecting this since I was so confident with the treatment that was done in Bangkok. It was hard to sleep at night, and also I caught some cold while travelling, so on top of a tooth ache, I also had stuffy nose which would not let me breath at night :p Luckily, Rolf and Marci know a good dentist here who has her office very close to where we are! And Friday, after aching bum bum bum, I called this dentist and made an appointment for the next morning. And the same night, the ache began getting milder to my surprise because previous days, it was always getting more intense during the night. The next morning, it was again not so bad and then I went to see the dentist. She looked at the x-rays and then told me that the root canal was done properly but because it was done so intensely in two days and even the day I was going to fly and then flying without giving it a chance to heal, the area was probably inflamed. She told me that I am suppose to keep taking the medicines I was given by the dentist who has done the work and also anti-inflammatory medicines... I am very relieved with this news, because after all that, my whole mission was to get back to India to study with R&M and just as I get back, not feeling well was a doomer...

The journey from Bangkok to Goa was another thing. As I arrived to Bangalore in the middle of the night at 12 AM, I went form International to domestic flights terminal. After a cup of tea, I went over to the screen to check my flight which was suppose to be at 6:15 AM the same morning. I was planning to lounge at the airport until then; however, I could not see my flight even though all these other flights that were around the same time were listed. I asked a man who was working at the check in lines and he said "Madam it is too early that is why it is not listed, 3 hours before the flight it will be there" I told him how come all these other flights which were at 6AM - 7 AM were listed. At that point, he also got suspicious and told me to go over to the Kingfisher office and ask the lady there. So, I did and the lady also told me the same thing the man told me in the first hand and when I pointed out the obvious that other flights were listed she went inside to make a call and then came with the news "Madam that flight is cancelled, they tried to contact you but they could not reach you" I was devastated. I said "how did they contact me? I did not get any email or text message", she told me they tried to call me, they called 3 times. But I always get emails or text messages regarding the status of my flight, I might not be always available to pick up the phone. Of course I should have also made sure that the flight was on before hand which is something I usually do but neglected it this time, I guess I did not want to hear any bad news since I was so much wanting to reach Goa.... She told me that they will try to put me on another flight but then there were no morning flights even with other airlines due to something that was going on in Goa. The earliest was 4PM. Hearing that I kept asking "but what I do here so many hours, I did not arrange anything?" At the end, they decided to give me most of my money back so I would be compensated and also they gave me a boarding pass for the 4PM flight. That was really nice of them. Then I went and got a hotel room which had to be in Bangalore city because according to the man at the airport who had info regarding hotels, all the hotels by the airport were booked. The new Bangalore airport is a bit away from the city, and in a bad traffic day, it can take a long while so this made me a bit stressed out about getting back to the airport but I was too tired to stay in the airport and sleep on a chair. Therefore took the chance and went to Bangalore. Got to the hotel recommended by the man at the airport. The receptionist was a bit annoying at 3AM in the morning. I began filling the papers and then someone called and I guess yelled at him for something because he kept saying no sir you did not call me and then he turned to me and wanted my passport and I said here it is he said ok you can go to your room, I said I am not leaving my passport here, he said I will send it in 2 minutes I said no I am waiting here please do what you need to do. I did not want to wait for anything when I go up to the room, I wanted to crash and also I am not comfortable with leaving my passport to anyone. Ha! so, then he made a call and start ordering chicken tandoori, bla bla tandori, a very long list of food at 3AM in the morning! I was getting pissed that he was making me wait in the middle of the night, a customer comes to check in and he is busy ordering food for I guess that man who yelled at him on the phone... It was like Welcome India already, but it was ironic ya? dying to get back to India for two months, and I as soon as I arrive I had to deal with Indian ways that drive me crazy :p. But I had a decent room, I went to bed straight away, I was hang over from being up so late. I did not have a good sleep because I was kind of nervous about where I was, if it was safe, why there wasn't a chain on my door? so whenever I heard a noise from the hall way, I would jump... but it was fine after all. I did not sleep so long. I woke up around 8:30AM and took a shower which was nicest thing about staying there. They had breakfast so I went down, they had idli, coconut chutney, sambar, some of that fried things and then some fruits, and some western stuff. I could not pass idly and coconut chutney. After breakfast, I asked the lady at the reception "Coffee Day around here?" and she told me at the end of the road. SO I walled down and found the Coffee day, and had a decent cup of coffee. Walked back to the hotel and when it was time for me to leave I thought the driver who dropped me off last night would pick me up but he was nowhere around. He asked me if he should come and I said yes at 1PM. But he did not show up! so I panicked. I was at that point really getting anxious, as if everything was against me reaching  Goa, more I wanted to get there more things were going wrong, so I was also seeing that I had to relax a bit (if I could). But I had to push the hotel receptionist to get me a cap soon otherwise they were saying "45 minute later madam"! It is so weird, in any big city, as far as I know, you get a taxi in a minute unless it is super rainy, snowy, stormy... well I got a cap in 15 minutes and left for the airport and of course they charged me much more than the night before because it came in 15 minutes not 45minutes, India, well I managed to get it down 100 rupees.... They also called that driver who was suppose to pick me up to see why he did not come. He told them I did not want him to come which was not true. I told him to come but when he asked for my room number I said no need for room number you come I will be here downstairs... I felt nervous with giving such details  in the middle of the nigh at some place I did not know and did not necessarily feel safe... but he interpreted it as I do not want him to get me back to the airport.

Well, after all this, I arrived to Goa! I got my flight, it flew right away, got a cab and came to the familiar land, to my home! I walked to the guest house where I am staying. The late afternoon I arrived, I left my bags to the room and I immediately ran to the beach since I knew Rolf would be there for the sun set and for sure he was. I hugged him big and I was so , but so happy to see him! Thursday I practiced in my room and began practicing with everyone else with the led class on Friday. The shala they built is really nice, I like it a lot. The floor is a bit uneven at some places but it does not matter so much for me, after I begin practicing it feels just okey and then when I am with my teachers and other practitioners, it really does not matter where I practice, if the floor is uneven or not... it is very simple and beautiful just like himself!

This year I am staying at the guest house in front of the one I usually stayed... I have a nice room and a balcony kitchen! I am close to the shala. I am happy, I am so at home! I am so thankful! the tooth ache left me after the weekend... I know few people, some of whom I know are not staying around, I guess they are at Vagator, Arjuna... It is peaceful, nice.

The practice is epic again since Rolf does not split people until after Karandavasana. I am at Pincha; therefore, I have to do the whole primary and the intermediate until pincha. Rolf said, arms are stable but the core needs to be more stable... drawbacks of being so flexible at the back... but it will come, just practice and ease into where I am and be there, and I guess this is true with everything, everywhere...

Round and round

It has been months since my last post. Even though I began writing couple of times, I could not bring it to an end.... Then I gave up. Obviously I was not feeling it.

Mysore journey came to an end. It was a very nice one this time. I enjoyed the practice, and the beautiful people, beautiful friends very much. We cooked together a lot and ventured into things I have not done before. I made some life long friends, friends with whom my paths will cross again and again. Studying with Sharath was awesome again... It was a very special trip this time.

I left Mysore feeling all gloomy and sappy, leaving behind all that. I came to Bangkok which had a totally different vibe. Calmer, cleaner, and easier in many ways... It felt like a big shopping mall/food court since there are so many shopping malls in that city and the streets are full of food vendors. The coconuts in Thailand are delicious, nowhere I tasted coconuts like that and they put them on ice so it is cool coconut water, such luxury ha! The food, especially the green curry is the yummiest and all the fruit shakes. One can safely buy fruits off the street, ready to eat, peeled and cut for you. I felt like it was safe and nothing happened to my belly.

After four days in BKK, I went to Koh Phangan where I was suppose to stay a month. After the flight to Koh Samui, it was a boat and the sea was rough, and I was sea sick pretty soon so I threw myself over my bags on the floor and shut my eyes until the end of the journey. After we arrived to Koh Phangan, I was suppose to take another little boat to the beach I was trying to reach but the boat man wanted to charge me and this other man who was going there much more because of the rough sea. We walked to the other end where they had boats as well and from that side we could leave. Again the rough sea and I was paralyzed :p. Luckily the man who was in the same boat with me helped me with my bags, he took them out and I threw myself out. The boat man did not want to go to the next beach where I was suppose to go, but the man who was helping me offered to help me with carrying my bag and finding the way since I had no clue where I was and where I was suppose to be heading. I went to the first guest house my friend advised me but they were booked for the month so I went to the other guest house and they had bungalows for a month, so I took the spacious, nice bungalow they showed me. The nature is so beautiful in Koh Phangan and the way everything else is also. There are no cars or bikes. It is like a tropical bliss. However, the storm began and stayed for a week... I did not know anyone, then I met few others... There was a Matthew Sweeney workshop going on but he was not taking anyone from the middle, but he was doing Sunday workshop to which I could go and I did. In the morning, it was his lion sequence and in the afternoon it was working on inversions. I think I like his teaching style. He have good advices for which point one could be stuck with a pose and how to work on it. This was the second time I met him, the first time was in London for a 2 hour workshop... Maybe one day I do a month long studying with him...

Well, after a week of storm, feeling kind of stuck and lonely, I called my friend, Senol who was in Sri Lanka and decided to travel where he was. Just like that I made new travel plans and I got to Sri Lanka. Now this is my last week here. We stayed in this place where there is an old timer Ashtanga teacher teaching Mysore classes. She is a very sweet lady.

Counting days to India... I will go back to Thailand next Wednesday. After two weeks in Thailand and some travelling, and getting a new Indian visa, I will be heading back to India for Goa! I have to say no place like India. Thailand with its cleanliness and good food and nonchaotic ways, Sri Lanka with clean, beautiful beaches and ocean cannot measure up to India. India with its potential of overwhelming one and with it chaos, dirt, rudeness of people from time to time, is still the most real, most juicy, honest, friendly and from unexpected corners so kind. There are lots of things in my head but most importantly I am looking forward to Goa, to R&M, their teaching and all of it...

Ayurvedic Treatment...

Been a long while...  I just could not write...  I donnu, no particular reason, just this has been the case.

Mysore is nice, still quite, still some rain, but a bit more heat during the day.  I did an eight day Yoga Basti with Doctor Kumar, which ended last Wednesday!  When I went for my consultation with him, one of the first things I said was "I do not want to do Panchakarma. I am not going to drink gee, or fast... I am here to practice so I do not want to get weak, lgiht headed etc... I just want some recommendations"  And he is such a nice man, he said "yes I understand.  I will not suggest you to drink ghee, or do any fasting but!  I will recommend you to do this other treatment, Yoga Basti" and then he went on explaining it...   and it really sounded like the appropriate treatment for me whose Vata is very strong and who has been suffering from chronic digestive problems since teenage years... Therefore, in less than a week I went to see him again and told him I am doing it.  Ha! he has a way with people I guess, I was so determined that I was not going to do any treatment, I just wanted some advice and maybe ayurvedic pills that might help me which he actually gave me during my first visit and they began to help already...  So, the next day I started my 8 day treatment.  Every morning after I practice I flew with my scooter to Saraswathipuram....  The last three days, I was a bit tired of the whole procedure already, enough of all the oil and the milk etc...  but I was still so sure this was helping me and that I had to finish this treatment as recommended.   All that oil and milk helped my skin, my hair which was so dry, and the basti began clearing my system.  Even the mornings when I felt "ohh againnnn...", after the treatment I was so mellow and just okey with everything :) 

Apperantly this treatment is one of the Panchakarmas.  My friend Kumar, who is in Gokulam doing massage and past life therapy told me so.  There are, I think, 8 kinds of Panchakarma, so the ghee drinking is not the only one...  Well, after the treatment I went to see Dr. Kumar again and he gave me some pills to increase the digestive fire and gave me some recommendation for my daily eating routine such as eating papaya at night for dinner, he said " papaya is very good for you!"  I love Papaya, so perfect recommendation but I wonder what I can switch it with when I am home where there is no papaya; I will ask that next time I see him in couple of weeks... and all other things he said made sense... aa also he was asking me if I began adding some ghee to my food.  I told him that I bought the ghee and it is in my fridge but I remembered to use it only once so far since my hand always goes to the olive oil bottle on my counter, ah the habit...  His said "then you  put the ghee in your olive oil bottle"  :)  Yes, he thinks ghee is good for me even though I told him that I like olive oil and that is what I grew up eating more....

While doing this treatment, I was not fasting, still the last few days I felt a bit weak, tired, but maybe that was because I was still very active :p The practice has been fine. The mornings I felt tired was difficult in the beginning but I could get it going; after sun salutations my energy would pick up so it was okey.  It took me a while to surrender to an 8 day treatment...  I always was scared of any kind of treatment because I was afraid they would get me weak, light headed etc... However, the treatment I did was the suitable one for me so it was not difficult, it was not draining and it was helpful for my problem...

here and now should be the mantra

Looking within... it is a lot of that these days... It is complicated work, but seems like should be the simplest. I feel like I am going through a training, training of snapping out of maya... well, I have lots of work to do. But one thing I know is that all the things that triggered depressive emotions and thoughts at last bring me to a point where I truly realized there is a need to see things from a different light. And maybe, I had to sink low to really make a revolution in the patterns of the mind. Also, close people around me going through really low time has been constantly reminding me that all this messy stuff cannot be there to kill us but maybe can be an opportunity to find something, that something within us which is very much light and pure than what we thing we are made of. It is not an easy task, lets see how it will go...

I am reading Pema Chodron's "Start Where You Are". When I got the book, I looked and thought to myself "uhh it looks like an easy read, not thick, chapters are not long, and the language is simple, etc..." ohh well I was wrong. I think after the first two chapters the challenge began. So, I read then I try to practice what she is talking about then I feel like I am incapable of following what she is saying, so I stop reading the book for couple of days. But then I start sensing that I am getting lost in my mind, going down and I think " I better pick up the book, maybe something she says will touch me", and as I read I see I was correct and then I take a break from reading it but keep contemplating on what I was reading, trying to assimilate... ohh, I have to say she is a very valuable source.  Also my sister send me "Pain Body" recording by Eckhart Tolle last week, listening to that also made me realize I have to stop going back to past feelings, maybe not to puch them away but the reality now is not those feelings, but we are so immune to bring them to now, and this habit so much inhibits our flow in the river of life...

Other than reading and taking journeys in my mind, I am thinking that I should do some other stuff. I will and will tell you when I do, there is no point of writing about what I am thinking of doing before I do them :p

Practice is nice although this morning I was feeling heavy... still it was not so bad... and later, for the breakfast I was so hungry!? i donnu. Yesterday I was with a beautiful friend for lunch. We were suppose to go to Sandhya's house, I called the day before and told the girl who picked up the phone that two of us will come next day around 2PM for lunch. But maybe she forgot to tell. When we arrived, Sandhya was "you are late, did you call?" Apparently there was not much food left. Therefore, I suggested that we go for thali and come to Shandyha some other day... We left for Dasaprakash, just as we were arriving the rain began slowly and as we entered to the restaurant it poured! Just on time! We had the special thali and had lots of time to talk until the rain stopped. It was lovely, and better than being at Sandhya's in terms of having all this time and privacy to share experiences, talk about stuff...  One of the interesting things came up in our conversation was "the Work" of Byron Katie, I did not know about this woman. It is interesting, interesting to see how we all think in similar patterns, and worry about similar stuff... 

Days fly...

It has been a week in Mysore... time flies when you are in a happy space... The weather is cool, cloudy and rainy but usually not heavy rain. Today is Ganesha festival, and the whole week there were preparations for it.  Mysore city was super busy, people were shopping, lots of people and lots of traffic in the city... I went downtown few times, once to take Pinar and Canan to shopping mostly for shawls and scarves. Another time I went down with my scooter, taking Canan also with me to see Mr. Rashinkar at his store, I am staying in his apartment so I had to give him some papers... We also stopped by at Ashok bookstore. I was looking for a specific Osho book which is called "Love, Aloness, Freedom" but they did not have it, maybe I should go to Sapna which is a much bigger book store. Then we went to the Rashinkar store, and beside seeing Mr. Rashinkar we also looked at yoga books and of course the yoga rugs they have... I got Yoga Taravali... I am not sure if this is a good edition of the book, we will see.

I am still partially in Afroz which is great. The memories are still very vivid and this lifts up my spirit a lot. From time to time I am confused about spirituality... it is hard to describe even what is confusing for me... I guess, I have to let it be, not question so much what I do versus what others do. but maybe I am not surrendering enough to anyone of the teachings or teachers. I frequently find myself being thorn between two of my teachers for instance, should I stay in Mysore longer or go to Goa?, and then Osho versus my yoga practice. I do not abandon my yoga practice to follow Osho, I am able to manage both together but if he asked me (if he were alive...) to drop yoga, I don't think I would. So what does that make me? and why do I think about this in the first place? well, I was listening to one of his discourses, him answering to a disciple's question, and he was saying how he knew that the disciple never really surrendered, how this guy was concerned what the society would think and so on and so on... well, I do not think of what the society will say... but when I am with the Osho community, they tend to question the yoga practice... I have my own mind, I go this way and that way, I say one think one day and may say another think the next day... I rebel and then come back... but it seems like Osho is part of my life, my vitality, and so I never totally abandon. but is this being half hearted? as I write these things, I realize it does not matter at all. My yoga practice is in the first place is what brought me to seeking, to India, to Osho... and maybe I am a very mental one, not like a heart person who would totally, without questioning surrender but that should also be fine, I have the accept where I am, who I am so I can continue from where I am... anyways...

Yesterday, I went for a walk around the lake. It was of course beautiful. I was also taking some photos as I was walking since I am trying to learn to make better pictures... Then a teenager boy began following me. I tried to slow down to let him pass, I stop to take photos and hoping he would be gone, but no in one way or another he was also stopping to wait. It quickly got stressful for me... Then I saw a man who was having his walk and also talking on his cellphone, so I tried to stay by him but he was too fast for me :p then I began saying to myself "let my angles help me, let my angles help me" I donnu from where I came up with this, but it worked after a few minutes! Two ladies appeared in front of me, I tagged behind them, the boy was hiding behind the bushes, then he jumped in again, did the noise Indian man do to take your attention but then left from the gate which was there. I was relieved but I missed taking photos of these beautiful heart shaped leaves on my way since I was trying to get away... so I have to go back to see the leaves again, but maybe a bit later when it is busier or with a friend, so I am not subject to this kind of think again...

Later, we went to Green Hotel for Friday night dinner. The garden is not open yet due to rain; therefore, we were in this area to the right of the garden which is covered on top. It was nice, good food and good company...

This morning, I did some cleaning... Then I was sat to write and I put some music. As the Libertines was playing from my iPod, through my open door I heard bells and saw the priest in the next house doing the puja for the Ganesha festival! I was like "ohh and you are here listening to your rock'n roll!" I turned of the music quickly to not disturb, disrespect... Soon I should go out for a walk around to see what is going on with this festival. I think there will be lots of Ganeshes around in lots of sizes! Exciting! Should take my camera with me....

Mysore in September

Mysore! I am happy to be here... I arrived last Friday...
This journey was a bit different then previous once since this time I booked my flight with Emirates instead of Turkish airlines. Therefore, I flew to Dubai and then to Bangalore rather than flying directly to Bombay and then waiting for many hours (since Turkish airlines arrives at 3:30AM) for a domestic flight, also there was no hassle of switching from the international terminal to domestic terminal... We arrived to Dubai airport at 12:45 AM and I did not sleep the whole time. When I step into the luxuries airport, the first think I spotted was this juice bar and I was already very dehydrated in the plane and also since I forgot to check vegetarian option, there was no real meal for me at the plane so I was feeling a bit hungry too. The juice bar, especially the pineapples on the shelf my eyes sparkle I guess! I was missing pineapples so much; therefore, I got a pineapple apple ginger juice and drank it perhaps in 5 minutes. I walked around for a while and then found myself walking back to the juice bar to get a second one of the same juice! It was really good! It was the best thing! More walking around and seeing a date heaven in one of the shops was for some reason pretty interesting in the middle of the night, but I did not buy any, maybe I should have, they were the best dates I have ever seen in my life. Then I got tho the plane after almost 3 hours of lay over and just tried to sleep the rest of the journey. The second plane was not as comfortable as the first one tough... still I managed to get few hours of sleep. When I arrived to Bangalore, there was the taxi I arranged 2 days before. I thought of taking the train this time, but then I realized how tired I would be and I did not really know when it was, I looked online but then gave up and called Shiva for a taxi... With he taxi, we arrived to Mysore in 4 hours, most of the time I slept in the car... it felt longgg. but then I was grateful that I did not have to drive any of these vehicles that took me to Mysore! :)

When I arrived to Gokulam it was easy since I booked my living space in advance this time. I just settled down to my room and then got out to register at the shala. I was thinking it would be crowded but it was very few people online... so it was quick... After the registration, I could not resist to go to Anokhi garden to see if Flora was there! I was missing her so much the whole summer. So I walked down to the cafe, the door was open, I went in and saw Olivie who seemed like he never left the place. I guess I also looked like I never left Gokulam either to him... I asked if Flora was there and he told me that she was inside. I walked in and there Flora was talking with someone and as soon as she saw me, she jumped out of her seat and hugged me. She was so happy, I was so happy! It was so great to unite with my friend, almost a sister she is to me now! We both went through some difficult stuff this summer... and it was great to see her back here and lively again, and to her, I looked good since I was so much fed with life in Eressos... So we were both standing across from each other with big smiles on our faces! We talked a bit and afterwards we walked out to the coconut stand, just on our way out from the cafe, Mari showed up and I was so happy also to see her! I was hungry but Anu's was still closed until Sunday due to renovations and so I went to Nilgri's to get some curd and fruits and headed back home for a breakfast food... Luckily I had some food that I brought from home so I did not have to do big shopping as soon as I arrived...

Sunday was the first practice, led primary serious. It was so few people in front of the shala when I arrived! The gates opened, and we calmly went inside instead of the rush of the crowded times! The shala is not so full, it is such a luxury! I am loving it. We are perhaps 50 people... Sharath is in good mood... All is good. Tuesday also he did a led class for some reason... Anyways, first whole week is primary always... Today was self-practice and Sharath had two of the students from his last training assisting him! That was really nice, nice to have students among us also teaching, and teaching with Sharath. Things are changing...

Also Canan and Pinar are here. Two Turkish ladies... I know them from Istanbul. Both have been practicing ashtanga for some time. I am happy that they came to have this amazing experience. It is also nice that they are not here in the crazy hectic season so they are slowly getting hang of the was things and enjoying it all. It is not crazy in the shala with a big crowd, Sharath is more attentive since less people and then it was not difficult at all to find housing, so perfect for a first time!

ohh one new thing I forgot to mention. Now chanting classes with Laksmish is mandatory. Three times a week in the mornings for 45 minutes. This morning was our first class. I realized many from what we were chanting with Richard...

Afroz

I spent 18 days at Osho Afroz meditation center and each day was blissful. Going to Afroz was the best thing I have done this whole summer. Afroz is in Eressos, which is at the southwest part of the Lesvos island. This was my second time there and it seems like each time I am falling in love with this place more deeply. I arrived on August 4, during noon. Lucky me, that date there was a boat leaving Turkey in the morning, so I arrived to Afroz by noon instead of taking the afternoon boat and arriving at night… Then I had enough time to get my tent and settle down and then go to the beach for a swim… Next day, a friend whom I knew from Pune arrived and she also start practicing with me in the mornings at the Buddha Hall. Then a friend from last year also began joining us for practice, then there was another one who was doing his sitting meditation/pranayama/asanas… So each morning was beautiful with this small group. Other than the morning practice, there were meditations we participated each morning, evening and of course also beach meditation ☺

After a week my sister also arrived and the Osho festival began. It was really beautiful. I was planning to come back but I could not. I ended up staying the whole festival. There were friends from last year, from Pune, and then lots of new ones I met this time! The festival was really fun and there were really nice workshops. The music was great, musicians were great… Every evening meeting with live music, and many active meditations with live music! Ahhh it was so alive. I became alive again with life, with love, I discovered my life source again…

Words are not really enough to describe it all… I woke up to life, to living… This summer has been demoralizing for me and I ended up in this very negative mood from which I could not get myself out. It was like falling into a pit and not knowing how to get out of it, or as if I was punishing myself with staying down there… In Afroz, I finally saw the stairs going up and I got the courage to go out of the pit. Finally, I could breath again! And I felt so much love, so much light from all around, from people, from the nature, from the universe… I realized that there is nothing to worry about, existence takes care of all this and it will also take care of me. I felt Osho’s words penetrating me again, lifting me up, encouraging me to go on. It was a beautiful time with beautiful friends, sisters, brothers, lovers…