Back from Path of Love

Yes! Back from Path of Love and I am amazed! It was a wonderful journey! I am so glad I have done it. This will be a blessing for me in my present and future… I feel funny about all the frustration and excuses I had before doing it, because it was worth everything I have given to it! I feel like words cannot describe… but what I can say is that it is an honest work on yourself! If you truly dare to open your heart, just go for it! It was not easy at all but somehow you commit and go through it and the outcome is you will see…

Well, this morning was my first practice in a week but since I was physically active all week long, it was okay. I was in a nice steady pace. It felt good to be on my mat. I did only primary and it is Friday anyways but uuppps today is a moonday! Well it is new moon and I took it slowly…

This morning I had coffee for the firs time in 3 weeks and I am so shaky now. I am literally shaking, my mind is too overwhelmed. I guess I should have begun with decaf. Uhhh, well tomorrow will be decaf because I still love the taste.

Almost POL

Tomorrow afternoon POL begins… I mean Path of Love. I donnu what to expect anymore. I have been frustrated with myself about getting myself into this… I have been thinking “ohh what are they gonna make us do? I don’t believe in this, how can things change in 6 days???… blablabla… Ohh well, I did sign up for it tough, so I better go with it. Dad used to say that one should finish what they begin, not to leave things half way through… Maybe signing up was not really half way through but it was a beginning and I guess it is better to be done with it. Then I will not keep hearing about it and wonder whether I should do it or not…

Well, about this week, about the practice… It was an okay week… the practice was mostly good except on Wednesday morning. Wednesday I was tired, heavy, all the usual excuses for not having a good practice. But I have been good and never skipped practicing handstands… Yes, I need to do them everyday even if it is only once.

The weather has been rainy all week long. It became cooler but the practice got sweater(?) the humidity I believe. With the classes… there is one guy who has been coming since Sunday morning… he has a wonderful practice, great energy… enjoyed his presence and I assume other students also. Then, there is a newbie who showed up on Tuesday, and he is doing great!

Yesterday was big rain all night long, which means as I was practicing ☺ … There is suppose to be a big rain tomorrow as well. I hope that won’t create problem for us to arrive to the venue where the POL will take place. I have to admit that one nice thing about this POl is silence for a week! I think that is what I love the most.

Well one last thing is the new movie by Tarontino, Inglourious Basterds. I went to see it with mom yesterday and it was really good. I recommend it.

Coffee Break

I am a bit low in moods. Perhaps it is part of the quitting coffee process. Yes, I am quitting coffee for Path of Love because during the process, we will not be allowed to drink coffee ☹ and I do not want to have the withdrawal when I am in the process! I am a bit rebellious about this because they let smokers have few cigarettes a day but not a cup of coffee to coffee drinkers in the morning!!!! Well, to tell the truth, I am fine with not having coffee for a while. It is perhaps good to detox from caffeine, it is just difficult with my early rising schedule. I stopped last Sunday, so I can have couple of weeks to get back to normal… but I have been drinking a cup of black tea in the mornings; however, this coming week, I will not even have that... Maybe green tea for the first couple of days…

Practice has been okay, maybe a bit heaviness… would that be due to no coffee I wonder? But also a bit weak maybe… I have been lazy with practicing hand stands and then on Wednesday, when I tried to press against the wall I could not do, which was something I had discovered that I could do after my castor oil bath a month ago… well, I got a bit obsessed, so I tried many times and at the end I managed to squeeze out one… but I wonder what was the reason that I could not do it all of a suddenly… not good bandhas that morning maybe… or not doing any handstands while on vacation… and then being lazy about them here…

Thursday afternoon I went to the island to see my parents who got back from their vacation on Lesvos Island! Since it was a moon day on Friday, I stayed over night. This time, I was really good to be in the island, very peaceful, quiet, and it was nice to see my parents after a long time. I also realize swimming is really good for my knee. The doctor also mentioned that when I saw him a month ago; he said that swimming increases the blood circulation, which is quite low over the bone area, and so it helps with the healing.

Well, one good news is I found housing in Boulder! That is very relieving. I was beginning to get nervous because I will be in isolation for a week during POL and what if something come up from the studio regarding housing, I would miss it again as it happened while I was on vacation and did not have internet access…. So that is sorted out and I also have a friend to rent my apartment for at least the last 3 months of my away time…

Now I am thinking of going to Yin Yoga…

Post weekend

I am very moody today, I guess it is the Path of Love nervousness or something… I am thinking now that 6 day process cannot do much… maybe will do a slight thing… maybe I will explode during POL, ha and they will all run out. But now I just want to be by myself.

Anyways… Yesterday, I was actually full power surprisingly after all the food I had during birthday. Birthday was okey… but I decided not to do such a party again here, I felt like a little kid. Maybe if I am away somewhere in India, I can be with friends, have a nice lunch… that would be lovely… sigh… I miss India so much. Actually I had enough of being here now, and now I think I don’t even want to come back… Ohh, I am so negative today and it is just the beginning of the week. Well, this morning I was very sleepy when I woke up and during the whole practice I was low energy as oppose to yesterday. The point is everything changes as I see in my practice from one morning to the other... so my thoughts will also change about being here and there, etc....

Then, I am getting all excited as I read Susananda’s blog about Sharath’s workshop in London, but there is still time for me to be in Mysore and who knows if Sharath will be there teaching… nobody.

Okey maybe I should not blog when I feel like this. I should sit back and read something and get my mind off the negativity… or sit with it and see which is more real as Suzuki asks, my problem or myself who is sitting? And what is my problem by the way? Well, complicated but: being here, not being strong with certain individuals, and being apologetic for being myself… uhhh

Today is the birthday day... 32!

Today is the birthday day… Yes already 32 and feeling as young as ever. This year I guess it will be different. Last year, I entered my new age only with my sister, a bit depressed and feeling lonely. This year, we are having small garden party in my sister’s beautiful garden. And I see how we contribute in creating our own happiness and unhappiness. Last year, I was stubborn to organize anything because I thought there was no point. Yes, I was in a negative mood, negative about myself, about being in this city, etc… This year, actually my friend suggested that we do this garden party and so I invited few friends… and we will see how it goes. I have a feeling it will go fine…
I am trying to bake my own birthday cake as usual. Actually, I already baked the cake (chocolate beer cake from Delia Smith) but it does not seem to be the way it should and I know why because I used whole wheat flour ☺ and the chocolate sauce is not done yet, it is too bitter, have to adjust it… kind of a mess but I am sure people will be fine no matter how it turns out.

This week was fine. I was a bit sleepy in the mornings… I think it is normal since I was waking up at 6AM while on holiday and then going back to 4AM was a bit tough. Then I had to show something to a student because I could not describe it with words but then that brought up the pain on the side of the knee which was actually getting better and better… I was a bit frustrated but then as the week went along, I began to have more and more soft attitude towards myself, my knee, my pain, my injury… I just realized my practice is not about what I can do and not do… and I have faith that I will heal, I just have to believe. And I guess acupuncture would help tones but have to wait for that since I do not know any good place here in Istanbul. I am also doing hip openers every day to reduce any stress that can go to my knee…

Also Path of Love… The process begins on 11th of September but actually it already began! They send you questionnaires and those really begin the process. After filling the second one, that same night, I began having nightmares about people from my past… people I should have let go long time ago but obviously they are still under the carpet. I hope the process will do the cleaning needed!

Okey, going back to birthday mood! Happy 32 to me! I feel very blessed for having Yoga in my life, having my teachers and my friends in my life, having the opportunity travel, and live in India every year! And yes blessed to have such a great family.

Back from Lesvos

I am back from my vacation! It was very nice. Lesvos is a beautiful island and I felt very lucky to be there from the first day. And yes, I was very lucky because the first moment we stepped into the commune (Afroz) we met my sister’s friend and his girlfriend who is also an Ashtangi! It was such a good luck as you can imagine because I had a practice friend while I was there! She has been an ashtanga practioner much longer than me and therefore, she is more advanced; but she is, as most long practiconers, very humble. She usually practiced the same sequence with me and she also gave me very nice adjustments! I could not have been more fortunate! We usually met between 6 and 6:30 AM at the Buddha Grove for practice. And there was a guy, who became a friend later on, who sleeps on Buddha Grove (he likes to be under stars while sleeping), so he would wake up to us practicing and then he would begin his own Thai Chi practice… and then some more people would arrive to do their own stretches and yoga practice…

The 3-day group with P & S was nice. It was called Love, Devotion and Surrender. Personally, I did not like the first day so much, but I enjoyed the second day of Devotion. We did Sufi zickers and Chanted Hindu mantras to live music during the second day… and the second half of third day was also great, we did Stop dance to live music and the musicians went wild with the music coming to some divine peak and so we did with the dancing…

Then the rest of the time, I took it easy… Swimming in the ice cold waters of Lesvos, which was very good for my knee. Then, eating good food, deserts, and all the fresh figs you can imagine ☺. Going to White Robe every night, which is much more relaxed than it is in Pune… We hung out with my new ashtangi friend and his boyfriend a lot. His boyfriend was teaching Cherokee dance, so I joined them every morning after breakfast to do the dance. Then I also met some people I have known from Pune… it was great! People from all over the world getting together. Since Afroz is not so big, the vibe was very much family like, warm…

Being back of course is always a challenge but I feel okay today. Istanbul is not super hot at least and I have somethings to look forward to. First of all, I missed my students, and I am recharged so I feel good to be back to teaching. Then, I decided to join Path of Love which will happen in mid September. Since I have dedicated 10 weeks to love and this group has been popping up on my face with better payment plans etc… so I decided to do it. And then of course Boulder where I will be stuck forever… well this is my feeling but then I am so devoted to Rolf… which will pull me to the east again.

Vacation Almost!

I am on the verge of a vacation!!! Yes, my sister and I will go to Lesvos island tomorrow. My sister says it has the most beautiful sea… and of course, we will have lots of fun staying at Afroz, the Osho center in the island. The first three days will be a chanting and mediation group with Premartha, Svarup and Milerepa. Then we will do our own thing; participate in daily meditations, lay at the beach, swim, eat, drink, be merry.

I am also hoping to get a nice rest. Not to wake up so early… and take it easy with practice a bit so the inflammation on my femur can recover fully. It has been doing fine but now the doctor told me to stop using the medicine and see how it goes without it, and he told me to take it easy until it heals to do point that I can do everything without pain… Without the medicine, I feel it more. Therefore, need for more attentiveness still, not to push it at all… and it should be okay, I have to have faith that it will heal… it gets difficult sometimes… my usual all or nothing side starts yapping that I will be stuck with this situation… ohh the mind… but then I say nothing is permanent, all is changing constantly, so have faith and do what you must do! I do what I must do: I take care and practice with care and not loose hope.

Now I need to pack, and pack lightly, which is always a challenge!

Night life in August or ever?

Yesterday I cooked Indian dinner for couple of my friends. I cooked the dishes I have learned at Tina’s cooking class during my first time in Mysore: palak paneer and vegetable kurma and. Moreover, I cooked dal from Sivananda cook book and samosas and plain rice. It was too much food but they are not vegetarian so I was a bit concerned about feeding them… Consequently I ended up with lots of leftovers; so much that I can have another dinner party tonight… well I put some of it in the freezer.

Of course there was lots of drinking on their and on my sister’s part. I barely had a couple of glasses of wine and that was already much… well I used to drink lots also and stay up and party… but now, all that is not so interesting. Not to misunderstand… I enjoy my friends but when I am sober and when it is not after mid night and not in a bar where people are bumping on you constantly. Yeah, later on, we went out to the neighbor hood bar but it was boring: too crowded and not much people we know. So, after a while, we all split. Well, I went out the other week also and it was the same… I love dancing, I enjoy good music but the bar scene, especially during summer time in Istanbul is not my thing… And I cannot do the schmooze thing anymore at least in a crowded loud bar/night club. Am I getting older than I am actually?

Vacation month for Istanbul begins

I have been not writing… because I was busy and lazy and a bit down and then up…
After the food poisoning, as I mentioned Jen was here last week … it was very nice to have her. She was an easy going and fun guest to have. We cooked together, so I was fed better last week ☺. Then I took her to do the island to visit my parents; that went really well also. It was very good for my parents to meet another ashtangi; therefore, they see that there are other people like me and they are normal, nice people. After the island trip, we went to Grand Bazaar and the Spice Bazaar. Boy, that day was really hot! It was the peak heat of July! But we managed. Jen and I are very similar when it comes to shopping, we do not like to wander around many hours, going into every store; we both like to go to one or two stores, get what we like and be done with shopping. Otherwise it is too overwhelming… I think she enjoyed Istanbul and I hope she will visit sometime in the future again. Now she is in Barcelona, improving her Spanish…

With me… This week, I was really full power. I don’t know where it all came from, especially after a sickly week. Last week, when I practiced for the first time on Thursday after recovering, I was feeling so weak. I did the half primary on Thursday and Friday; my legs were all shaky during standing postures… how one can loose so much strength in few days! I guess with not proper nutrition, all the sickness and no practice, it is like this. However, after couple of days, the energy picked up incredibly. I was surprised myself. I guess this showed me few things: 1) being healthy makes a big difference in our lives. 2) When one is weak, the practice is hard. 3) Not be afraid of loosing… The second one was good to realize how beginners feel because until now I honestly forgotten how standing postures can be so tough! The third one was good to realize that we can get sick or not able to practice due to circumstances but it is all okay, it all comes back when we are able to get back to our mat again. Learning…

What else? Well, this week was considerably quite, not many students. Yes, that month of the year is already here: the vacation month! I thing I will not be here next year at this time. I should try to move my traveling to do the summer time! Now, I am just trying to stay present and not to get discouraged. It is tough these days for me; maybe the planets are making though alignments or something, or it is just I having hard time just being, stop criticizing myself. Much to let go… THe good news is that I will go to Lesvos island for a week in August with my sister... that will be a good vacation for me!

Now the plan is castor oil bath tomorrow! I got the oil last weekend from the Spice Bazaar. I read the Kimberly Williams article about the bath… I have no soap nut powder nor green powder, so I hope I will be able to was it off with regular shampoo and soap…

Food Poisoning 2...

I got food poisoning on Sunday, which got me off from my mat and teaching and writing my blog. This is how it happened: I woke up in the middle of the night, feeling nauseas and went “o ohh, is it happening again?” But then weird enough, when I woke up at 5 in the morning, I was feeling well and I did my whole practice with no problem… Then taught my led class all full power; however, during breakfast, I realized I was having difficulty drinking my coffee which I enjoy so much everyday… And after a while, I realized the coffee was sitting up in my stomach with all other stuff and I drank some water but still they were sitting up and then I ended up throwing all up… and began feeling weak, so I carried myself to my bed… After a while, I thought I would get some yogurt and boil some rice and have a simple meal with these. I got the yogurt, boiled the rice, had a bit of that… Yet, they did not stay in the stomach either and at the end, each time I got up from my bed, I was throwing up and I realized that I was having a slight fever… I texted one of my students, who have the key to the shala, that I would not be able to teach in the morning and if she could please open the door for regular students to come and practice and put a note on the door that I am sick… My sleep was very unsettled… I woke up with nausea and headache, and actually could not lift my head from the pillow and then my mom came around noon, she brought some bread and honey so I had simple toasted bread with some honey and tea… but that was also hard to settle in the stomach, I was feeling like something was being squeezed inside all the time… I threw up again and then diarrhea… great combo! Then my mom decided that we should go to the hospital, which is luckily so close by. The doctor at the hospital examined me and made the diagnosis that I had food poisoning. They gave me serum and while that was going in, they ran some blood and stool tests. From the results of these tests, he decided to give me antibiotics. I know many of us do not like taking antibiotics but this time I did not resist at all. The only thing is that, this antibiotic is hard on my stomach also!? I guess it kills whatever is bad and also good inside… I did not go teaching yesterday either, I was still not fully recovered, nauseas and light headed. Today was new moon; therefore, I got a good rest.

Well, I am not sure what got me so sick. But I feel like it was something I ate home more than outside and the suspect is the homemade yogurt. The last one I did, did not settle so well, and also there was power shortage, so figure… Then I guess my too much thinking, worrying mind was a commencer as well… well I am hoping to be learning from all this… This is my second serious food poisoning. The first one was in Pune... then also my mind was confused with what I want to do and what I want not to do...

Now, my friend Jen with whom I met in Goa is here. She arrived last night. It is very nice to have her here, it took my mind form being sick and I am recovering much faster than I would if I were alone. Blessings to the practice and all the wonderful people I meet through the practice.

Gypsy music and some more...

Ohh, I meant to write this earlier… about last Friday. I went out with few friends to listen to Gypsy music and dancing. One of my friends is a scriptwriter and she is working on a TV series about Gypsies, so one of the things she had to do was to listen to Gypsy music, meet the musicians and the dance teacher. She asked us to go along with her and we were all for it since this sounded so interesting. I went to the island to see my parents but came back the same day to go out with them, even I, the unsocial one did such an effort to be there! And I think it was worth it. The music was really good and it was fun to dance to it. The dance teacher was dancing really well, and since Gypsies are originally from India, his dance was very similar to Indian people’s dancing, which I really enjoyed!

This week is going well. I was very energetic and happy in the beginning of the week. My energy is a bit lower now, but the mood is still good. Yes, I am pretty satisfied with the Mysore classes. They picked up, eventually my efforts begin to pay off! I am a bit exhausted… luckily, in mid-August, I will have a bit of a break… so, I need to apply for a visa again… being a Turk is not easy, need a visa to almost everywhere. I think I say this a lot…

On the other hand, my own practice is ok, but needs more power. Power! Maybe the holiday will help.

Impatience is the...

This week has been really hot… it makes a sticky practice… I do not sweat so much since I practice much earlier and alone, so only the heat of one person in the room but while teaching the sun is in the studio, students get really wet with sweat and even I sweat… can be a bit overwhelming but I guess the heat opens the body more… so it is all good.

Middle of the week, I decided to go back to the doctor I have seen couple of months ago about the injury I have inside the knee. Well, figure this out, I was supposed to take the medicine he prescribed to me for a month while I only took it for a week. Misunderstanding is understandable since it was mercury retrograde when I saw him back then. First of all, he told me that these kinds of injuries take 3 to 6 month to recover fully, which is good to know. He examined me again and the only pain is inside my leg over the femur bone. Then, he went over the MRI pictures with me more thoroughly and showed the place where I have the pain, which is the bone, and over it is the inflammation. I asked him whether I was suppose to not do anything when he told me to rest it because I have done yoga and “tried” (sometimes unsuccessfully because of impatience) to not do things that hurt it… He told me to be free to do anything which does not hurt it. He also told me two other options to heal it which are much more extreme solutions than I would go for and he was not suggesting, just informing. One is this medicine with very strong side effects (he would not even tell me the side effects!!!); they give it to you and you stay in the hospital for 3 to 5 days (due to side effects I guess) and then you go out and do your yoga or whatever as if you have had no problem before. The second one is operation; they suck out the inflammation. Well, of course, I am sticking with just anti-inflammatory medicine and being “patient” since this is my karma yoga for the season!

The funny thing is that I began reading “Ka Stories of the Mind and Gods of India” and few pages into it I found myself reading these lines “…impatience is the only sin.” Well I should get the message already… everything in my life pointing towards this. By the way, I have only read few pages from the book but it seems to be fantastic… very excited, so I better go back to it.

By the way, the decision for August is going with sister to Afroz. I will not do the Satori since swimming is not allowed. I think it would be really good/healing for my body and mind and soul to soak in beautiful salty waters of Lesvos island… I will do the 3-day mediation chanting group which should be fun!

I would be...

Rest of the week, my energy was high. Waking up was a bit slowww due to the heat, which do not let one sleep properly… But, after few Surya Namaskars, my energy has expanding and I would be wide-awake. The achy part near the left knee has been better with my own before sleep therapy, which consists of moksha (my sister got them from Dr. Passang while in Pune, they are incense sticks looking like cigars that you hold near where you have aching, swelling, etc.) and maha narayan taila oil on the achy part and massaging each foot with little sesame oil for about 10 minutes. I believe massaging the feet is especially good because they are all connected right? Feet, knees, hips. If one begins to open up, relax, then the others would also benefit from that. This is my strategy. Therefore, with all this, slowly getting better, but then on Friday, I got over excited and attempted to do Marihchyasana B and D properly. With D, after couple of breaths, I decided this was not a good idea yet because the pain was biting. Well, rest of the day it was a bit achy. Patience is the key! I cannot believe myself that I am still not getting this! I would be my worst student! I have to confess I am not as caring with I am with myself as I am with my own students! This is neither good nor smart! I know I know I know! I apologize from myself and I promise to take care! Now, it is good and I am being patient.

With classes, thing are going fine. Consistency is almost there. Still people are going to vacation and coming back but it has been all right.

Then… I am thinking of doing Satori in Afroz. They have one in the beginning of August. My sister and I have been planning to go to Afroz for a week. She will assist her teacher with a 3 day chanting and meditation course and I was thinking I might do that course. However, yesterday I suddenly had the idea that since I want to do a Vipassana course so much, I can do the Satori instead for the time being. I will see what will be the final decision; it all depends on whether we are allowed to swim once in a while during… and of course to the cost.

Heat buzz

Ohh I am so tired today… it is insane. After coming back from teaching, I had my breakfast and I just could not help it, I lay down on my bed and just passed out… I could sleep the whole day probably, but I had to get up and run some errands. I think the heat is getting me... Moreover I am sore all over. I am sore in places I have not been for so long… such as my hamstrings… and then also something is pulling on the right side of my lower back… I feel it most during Halasana… it is weird. I am also sore in quadriceps since I decided to do Laghu Vajrasana number of times like Rolf used to make me do when I was learning it. I feel like I have been slacking a bit and therefore, my knees come off slightly when I am coming up from it. So, I do it exhale come down, inhale come up for several times and then do the 5 breath down and come up… that works your quads! Oh well, I need more energy tough, and not drinking coffee doesn’t help. I think me will begin drinking coffee soon… sorry homeopathy.

Sick morning...

This morning, well around 2:30 AM I was already awake, turning round and round in my bed. Then it was time to get up but I could not because my head was spinning, I was nauseas, so I thought if I sleep one more hour ,maybe I will be ok. One hour later I got up and threw up and had the runs… not so appealing… went back to bed… one hour later I got up, waited few minutes, called S to see if he could let people know that I cannot come, but damn he decided to not come this morning! So, I had to get up and go down to the shala. I let the student know that I was not going to adjust much since I was feeling nauseas… of course, it was not a good idea to go down to teach since I was not able to give good energy to the students… it would be better not to go at all, but I also felt responsible to let them know and there were few new beginners who might have showed up… Anyways… this at least benefits the knee, more rest to it… Now, I am feeling better, a bit tired from not so good sleep but nausea is much less and the diarrhea stopped. I will rest, be lazy, watch TV, read my book, eat boiled rice… and tomorrow, it will be all good.

this morning...

This morning I had a weird practice, weird because of my emergency modification of the sequence. I did the whole standing sequence (modified ardha baddha padotannasana) and then did dandasana, paschimottanasanas, and then jumped to second series (!) but from shalabasana since even pasasana does not feel good on the knee, and krounchasana is a bit iffy, and I did up to supta vajrasana (modifying it) and did not even do my beloved bakasanas since they are also not great on the knee due to bending it and then I did not want to do any leg behind the head ones… I know this is a bit ridiculous… very unorthodox... but I wanted to do nothing that had to do with that area of the knee... so this what came out...

Well, the thing I realized is last week the knee or the area next to the knee (the pain is not on the knee) was much better but then I had this session with this very famous German body therapist named Manfred. Then it got worse again!? Maybe his session did not work on me. So, now I am back to almost beginning… a bit frustrating but still I am learning a lot. I am learning not to mix up stuff too much, just focus and believe it will be alright. No need for more body therapists, more doctors just do what is needed to be done, rest it!

Okey. Wish me good luck, good healing. I hope to be full power soon as Rolf would put it! Yet, even now things are all right, I am very lucky to have this much as well. namaste to all…

Remembering Dr. Passang

On Sunday, we went to the island with my sister for my mom’s birthday, which was on Saturday and also for father’s day. Since Monday was moon day, we stayed over night. It was nice to stay out of the city, and spend time with my family… I baked a chocolate cake for mom which turned out really nice.

But I also cheated this weekend. I practiced Saturday, I did not practice Sunday and then I practiced on Monday in a moon day. Why? Well, I wanted to practice without having to do anything afterwards, such as running to the studio to teach… But I think ashtanga gods punished me for practicing yesterday because my body was all achy today ☺

Anyways… The thing is the knee is still not 100% healed and that is of course because of me. I think I might need to give it a real break like not practicing more than standing sequences for a week… because as soon as there is some improvement, I begin getting excited and trying to do more. However, if I do only standing sequence and maybe go over them twice and not pay attention to the knee at all (so I would not attempt ardha baddha padmottanasana) that might give it a better break. Then I will see what happens after a week. I keep thinking of Doctor Passang. If I were in Pune, he would have already fixed it, I am so sure. He is a great Tibetan doctor/ acupuncturist. I went to him my first time in Pune because my ankle was swollen form jumping around too much and a friend swore on him, telling me that he saved her life so she took me him… Now, me and my sister swear on him, especially my sister. I took my sister to him for the first time after the new years eve that same year, she was kind of paralyzed on her left side due to too much Indian Champaign ☺ But then he also helped her with many other things… He is a great doctor…

So they are back...

So they are back, well most of them… the room is not so empty… I am happy to see especially certain faces…

Ohh yeah, this week had its dramas and incidents…. The last couple of days… yes in that room early morning. Yesterday one of my students fell on her nose while struggling with Buja Pindasana. I felt very responsible. I thought she could lift by herself, so I did not help her. I could have lifted her from the hips, instead, I told her what to do… I thought she was stronger than she is actually, I could have realized that she was not. Nothing serious happened, ice on the nose and then she wanted to continue. At the end of her practice, during shavasana, I did reiki to her. She left happy. I learned a good lesson: it is better to be on the cautious side. I guess this was all coming from thinking that I am not encouraging them to do more. All this other stuff is interfering… what stuff? don’t ask…

Then this morning… another thing. This is more about attitudes. One of them does not totally get the silence, and going within aspect of this practice…. She sometimes stops and begins engaging with what is going on with another who is next to her, or whom I am helping at the moment… so, I suddenly snapped today, I told her to mind her own business. Yes, I can sometimes be abruptly stern, not a great trade, I am aware. Well, later when I tried to help her with something she told me off. I really got red probably at that moment. Then, I had to just go on doing my job and then I sat and listened to myself. What do I feel, what do I want to do with this situation, what do I think? My first thoughts were to tell her that I cannot have her talking in the class, and when she is warned, her telling me off, so if we are going to have ego clashes here, better you do not come to my classes… yes, this was the first reaction of the mind. I kept sitting… and then I got out of the room when everyone finished. She was in shavasana and couple of more people also. When the others left, I went into the room; she was not in shavasana anymore but laying on her side. So, I sat beside her and touched her shoulder, then she said that she got hurt. I told her that she needs to practice to be concentrated in her own practice not to get all airy and get mixed up with others’ practices or whatever is going on around… I told her that she has a good practice, she works really hard to get the asanas she cannot manage and in short time, she manages them… this is all good, but besides the asana, we also need to go within, to not get distracted with everything so easily. I apologized from her for being so hard, and I needed to. Sometimes words come out without thinking and that is what happened, they just came out and of course I am a human too, so I do wrong as well… so I apologized and admitted that I could have told the same thing in much better way.

Being a teacher is the hardest and the most major trainings of all I guess. I realize that I am learning more than I could imagine. I am learning about relations, I am learning about myself, I am learning what happens when I compromise from myself, I am learning how to manage myself and others…

What else? Well I have been to a nutritionist with my mom’s insistence. That is another story. Briefly, I have to eat more protein. And I am doing a big effort now, it helps that she gave me some guidelines. Like Kathy the acupuncturist, she also told me that I need to eat legumes with rice like Indian people, then it is a complete protein source…

Need Backing maybe...

Quiet… Going and then coming back always requires a bit of settling down time for me. Realization of what it could have been like with a good teacher all the time… then coming back and finding half of the students are gone… gone where? Vacation… and then some of them just don’t practice I guess since their TT has finished… well again “?” for me… practice for just TT mentality?
Don’t know, don’t know.

I am trying to read Sutras slowly. I have this book on Yoga Sutras of Patanjali I got for Tias’s training, it is translated and commented by Chip Hartranft. Back then, I was too intimidated to read it other than looking for the references Tias did during the training. Well, actually we really did not read much else than the booklet they gave then. However, to my surprise, this book is not intimidating, it is nicely written, not confusing, not over my head (is this a correct expression?) so I read and then try to implement, and yes not so successful yet ☺ trying to see the distinction between the self and the awareness, trying nonreaction, trying to observe, and still I get swept away… ohh well…

So again the thoughts of India, thoughts of maybe visiting Rolf and Marci in August since it will be even more empty here in that time. no need to struggle with that, and instead doing something that will benefit me... just a thought

A week of London!

I am back from London after a week! It was great to visit this place where my journey of ashtanga practice began! It was great to practice with one of my first ashtanga teachers who had a great influence on my practice, on my commitment to the practice… It was great to drink lots of Monmouth coffee again. And it was great to stay and hang out with a friend with whom I met in Mysore.

I have lots of things to write about… lots of. But probably I will forget some of it with time; therefore, here is a quick one or two words…

Last weekend, we attended Matthew Sweeney workshop for jump troughs. I think I picked up one thing that will help me with strengthening the Moola Bandha. Sunday was self-practice elsewhere in Islington with a very nice lady and then brunch at Food for Thought; it couldn’t be any better! It was so fun to spend time with two ashtangis! all the yoga talk you can do and all the related stuff...

Then came my first day of practicing with Cary again after 2 years…She is so vibrant and so lovely! While It was great to so her again and, I was also so nervous! Kind of feeling responsible to do well since she hadn’t seen me for so long and I wanted her to notice that I have been working on my practice… I felt a bit like I am not as good as I could be; if I kept on with her all this time, I could be much better… and of course my knee injury did not make me feel any better, not doing anything or able to do many things properly… I guess it was a big humbling experience. Maybe it was more valuable than if I could do everything great; it was -yes you are back to the point where you begin and actually you are back to the physical place where you begin too! At least, now, she has seen me dropping back and coming up! Back then, for so many months she helped me with this, but I was too scared and could not do it. On the other hand, she knew I could do it and right after we parted, I did it! Because she worked with me so much on drop backs, I wanted her to see this. At last she has seen… and she is like Sharat, it is great to grab ankles with her… Then, she gave me some great tips for bakasana. I say great tips because obviously what I have been doing did not work since I still did not make much improvement in such a long time of endeavoring. Something has not been working, and I know mostly it is the fear factor. Cary showed me the way to go forward low, instead of jumping high and going down to the knees, which is much more difficult, especially if you are trying going high before you win over your fear of going forward… And now, I am determined! I have to do this, I have to do it and there is no other way; I will try many many times every day with pillows in front of me and I will do this before my birthday! Yes, here I say it, and so it has to be done, no excuses and no frustrations any more, just working on it with a determined and positive mind! See, how Cary is a motivating , encouraging teacher and with great ways to approach things without discouraging… not only a “just do it” approach, but actually giving really helpful tips. That is what is needed from a teacher. To show a way, which is workable for the student, a way where there can be improvements done. Also, she is such a good example of believing in the practice and believing in the power of will... Our mind tries to trick us to a lot of things that are not true; here comes my “maya”, illusion, of not being good enough, not being strong enough, not being this and that enough… Well, of course I need to get stronger, and I need to get better in what I do, but it does not help to think in a discouraging way. I think the way is doing it and realizing the patterns which set us back; therefore, we can change them. I guess this is true in most things not in only trying to achieve a posture…

Then I also I got to meet Oscar! He is a lovely baby. So calm and smiley and responsive to people. He really recognizes the people… For example, as I eneered the door, Cary said “look this is Ahu, an old friend” and he looked at me and then smiled! I found this incredible for a 5 month old! It was also wonderful to see Cary other than practice, and talk with her! Afterwards, I realized that I have grown up in some ways; maybe I was just more comfortable expressing myself…

I know London has been so much about yoga… But it has always been that way. Ohh also I got the third tattoo fixed so now it is really the third tattoo instead of that draft of a tattoo… I got it at the last moment at A Ture Love. In to You was booked of course, I asked them through email way before arriving to London… Anyways, the tattoo is sorted out and much more like what I had in mind in the first place.