question marks...

Today I have been feeling a bit strange…  Yes a bit strange… which is not unusual but somehow today feeling strange has a bit more to it…

It is a full moon day today and also Republic day for Turkey.  I practiced my usual practice in the morning since I will not be able to practice the coming week because I will be participating in some other type of work/process…  Then I taught the moon day class in the morning, which was quite gentle, slow, forward bending… It was a soft morning afterwards, very silent…

At noon, I went out to buy something and on the way I saw an old man at a doorstep.  He was maybe sleeping…  wearing dirty, old clothes.  My heart leaped out and I felt this feeling I feel when I am the heart not my mind, not selfish self…  Then, as my mind got involved, I felt so vain in my little yoga world, in my little self development world, in my little world…  It felt all so empty…  and then kept on walking to my destination…  In the afternoon I was on facebook and read this article posted by a friend which was written by a singer/songwriter from my childhood.  The title of his article was “Republic day in the taciturn people’s country”…  to the point, talking about what most of us ignore to see, how it is all going backwards here… then I looked up the news and saw that police threw gas bombs to people who were walking for the Republic days, who were declaring that this country is secular and will stay secular…  I got teary, I felt so little in my little world.  I know they say change yourself to make change in the world but sometimes it feels damn selfish… yes, I feel strange today.    

Yes she does

As if the present moment is a time

That never exists,

Where all the dreams come true,

Where I am home, clear, and still,

Where I can see with clarity.

It is a time as if it never exists

Whereas it is the only time that is here...

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I wrote this very evident little thing to myself after doing some work with Tarika.  She was here for a weekend...  It was nice to listen to her; her genuineness was inspiring...  One more time I was forced to look at myself closely...  My pitfall is to panic.  Lots to work on... and seeing this makes me panic...

These past months have been not easy for me...  I loose clarity, I find clarity, then I loose again, I loose hope which is not so bad to loose and then I regain strength...  Asana practice is there but it is not enough, at least for me, to find inner space since I can get lost in accomplishment...  Luckily enough, there are always more around me happening, presenting themselves freely and I am free to try them...  Maybe I lack faith, I have too much doubt, too much questioning...  but that is my path that I have to walk on and figure things out...