My mind had been full of stuff the whole week. I have been preoccupied with thinking whether students come to class regularly or not, whether I want to be in Istanbul or somewhere else (like India) and then wanting to share my life with someone special and then again wanting to be alone. I have been oscillating from one end to another. I guess when one gives his/her heart to yoga, their life style begin to take shape differently from those around them. I just remembered what has been written on those shirts that featured Guruji on a bottle.
“Ashtanga - the magic elixir. But the hangover is a bitch. Side Effects may include: emotional breakdown, extreme fatigue, a feeling of personal growth that makes you wonder where you’re growing as you assess the damages and potential damages, an intense desire to give up your day job, a magnetic pull that seems to be originating from somewhere in Southern India, feelings of contentment, acceptance, and perhaps exhaustion that make you act a bit stoned most of the time, a desire to give up anything that doesn’t seem to compliment your yoga practice, an inability to relate to those who don’t do yoga, chocolate cravings, excessive coffee consumption, and pain. Rest up so you can drink up again tomorrow. But be sure to avoid heavy machinery.”
I have most of these side effects☺. Sometimes, I find myself questioning whether my life has became too monastic, then I say why do I judge myself or compare myself to others…I sometimes feel awfully lonely but afterward, I long to be alone. I am in bit of a fragile state and it is probably normal since I am going through a time of transformation and change; the way I perceive myself is changing, and then my responsibilities, both for myself and for others, are increasing… However, among all these, the most important fact is that I am doing something I totally love and give myself to, and the times I remember to remember this fact, all my anxieties dissolve... Imagine me working in a bank! I know it is not easy to picture this but it was a reality at one point in my life. A place which was so natural or desired by others was so not easy for me, I was totally lost. Yet, I was so lucky that through various trials, journeys, adventures and heart brakes, I also begin to find out the place which is very natural for me. Of course nothing happens instantaneously. Somehow it is very difficult for me become rooted, especially when the wander lust in me is so lively… Not having a place of my own, a place where I can create my own order as well as my own mess, is not easy. Then the awareness and unawareness of the fact that I am starting something which is very significant in my life is making me excited as well as freaking me and scaring me… Of course, here, the support of Zeynep and David is very significant for me. The thing is not only going in and teaching a class anymore, there is also marketing and promoting oneself, all that in which I am not very experienced… In this part of things, I can say that David is my teacher; he gives me valuable tips and advice.
All these are a kind of yoga. As we all know, yoga is not just all that binding and bending on a mat… How do we live our life, how we want to live our lives, what kind of life we want, whether we want to dedicate our lives to something or not, whether we want to have an aim for our lives or not, and what do we do to realize what we want from our lives…. I am learning to be patient, learning to have faith, most importantly to have faith in myself and then I am learning to have no fear and no fear of loosing my freedom. The effort for creating something flows together with the effort of creating myself…
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