Travel notes...

It has been long while again since the last time I have written. I have been moving a bit and that is why I have not written. We left Goa on January 8th with a sleeper bus to go to Hampi. It was a long, very long journey because we were on a tourist bus where the people who ran it had no respect. They stopped all the time at very bad places. At one point, we stopped at this in the middle of no where kind of restaurant place at 2AM for what reason god knows. Arnaud and I came out to stretch our legs. A was just bending forward and then I saw this car coming towards us and I looked at the parking spot which was next to us and thought they might park there... and I kept watching this car coming full speed towards A and only at the last second, I pulled him back. It stopped right in front of him and there were young (drunk?) Indian men, and the one who was driving got out and yelled at A something which I cannot remember now. I was really scared but more than being scared, I was feeling really stupid and almost passive because I kept watching the car, anticipating it to just pull towards the parking space instead of taking A and moving to the side... I was almost frozen until the last second and it could have been really late! What if as A raised his head when the car came too close and hit him on the head... all these things kept coming to my mind when we were later in the bus for many hours.

Instead of arriving to Hampi in the morning around 6-7 AM, we arrived around 1PM because of stopping for zillion of times. Just before we arrived, maybe 10 minutes before, we stopped again and at this point, Arnaud, with frustration, went to the driver to see why again we were stopping. The reason was they (people who worked for the bus company) wanted to have ice cream at this spot! But when A came to inquire, they all got into argument and the driver pulled off to continue, the bus company's name is "Island", so please avoid it if you can!...

After we arrived to Hampi and crossed the river to the other side, we began looking for a place. Of course, since we came late, it was a hassle to find a place to stay. All the guest houses were full and we did not think of making any reservations (dah!) thinking it would be easy to find something... After we found a room for Jeremy, we began searching for us... and at last, we found a nice bungalow house. It was a nice place and the people who run it were also very nice, the name of the place was Sunny Guest house if I am not wrong. Our bungalow was big enough that both of us could practice in the room in the mornings, outside there were too many mosquitoes to practice... We stayed in Hampi for about 4 and a half days... We did sight seeing, the ruins, temples, beautiful nature, rocks... So many tourists in Hampi while I was thinking that we were going to India from Goa... lots of young Israelis.. Our joke was "it seems like in Hampi it is Israelis and then us only". The amount of time we stayed was just right but then we ventured to eat out instead of the cafe of our our guest house the last couple of nights and the last place we went to did it! I ordered thali and A ordered Laffa. I looked at the thali, tasted the plain rice and then I told him I am not eating this. The rice was very old and the dhal did not look anything like dhal, vegetables were a paste, not able to tell what was in it... A ate some of his Laffa... Then we went back to the guest house to have Thali there which was quite good (we had that almost every night)... The next morning A was sick in his stomach, just the day we were going to leave Hampi.

We still left Hampi that night and before leaving, at last, we went to Mango Tree restaurant which was advised by Dorion. We could not go other nights because the boat men kept saying that the last boat is at 5PM when actually it was at 6:30PM, and the restaurant was at the other side, just by the river, really nice... Of course my poor A could not eat anything other than some bananas and I had a good thali, feeling a bit guilty since my love could not eat; he was laying down, feeling sick. Then we went to the train station to take the train to Bangalore. Katherine was also there to take the same train. A began feeling more and more sick... When we got to the train, he was first a bit agitated when he saw the small beds and realized he could not be with me and then the men who were at our section wanted to eat before opening the middle beds and A was refusing to go to top bed and telling me I should go and rest and I was just trying to control the whole situation by telling him I am totally all right to stay up until they are done and he sould go up and lay down... I guess men are much more difficult then women when they are sick :) ... At last, all was settled. The train got to Bangalore early morning. We went to bus station and took a local bus (!) to Tiruvannamalai ... The bus was totally full, with some people sitting or standing in the middle. We were the only Westerners in it but it went right to the destination with few stops, once to have short toilet break and other times to pick up passengers. It was tight space but it was all right... Of course a bit more difficult for A who was sick. Tiruvannamalai was no fun for me. We stayed in this hotel ( which was advised by someone) in the middle of industrial shops instead of staying where other Westerners stayed. We had to take a rickshaw in one day maybe 3-4 times between our hotel and this place where everything we wanted to see was ; to eat, to rest in the hotel, to see something, to eat again, to go back to hotel... Rickshaw drivers were not nice as usual, A was sick and I was not really into all this spiritual things that were in the town... I could not care less and I thought I was going nuts, I hit the point where I was panicking beyond reason, I had to get out! In my mind,I already began planning that maybe I should go back to Bangalore next morning with the first local bus and then to Mysore if A wanted to stay there. But he is so sensitive, he already felt that I was not willing to stay there more than one night. Also, I was looking to see how much it would take to take a cab to Auroville while he was sleeping but he came to see where I was instead and then asked me what I was asking to the man... So, he said okey we go next morning early, no need to take local bus, we ask for the cab and see how much it costs... At the end, we arranged a cab for 8AM to leave the town. I was very much relieved. Yet, I have to admit that the Krishna Temple in Tiruvannamalai was beautiful and very very big, I think it is the biggest Krishna Temple in the South.

We arrived to Auroville in couple of hours that morning. Our guest house in the middle of jungle, really nice. It was Pongal festival; therefore, everything was closed; the information center, the solar kitchen etc... A was still sick. We got a cab and went to Pundicherry to a nice French restaurant. He could eat at this point. But next day he was sick again and this time, he agreed to go to a doctor. The doctor prescribed him some antibiotics. He was getting better each day but then Sunday night we both got sick from our stomachs and had we both threw up... The next day I could still get up and go for yoga, A would not let me go alone, he wanted to drive me to practice. I wanted him to rest instead but it was actually good that he came because the place we thought Monica was teaching was not correct and we had to search for the place for sometime. I am sure if I were alone, I would not be able to find it. The next day, A also began coming to classes. Monica's place is really nice, beautiful. She is as a teacher very strict ashtangi, for me it is a bit too much since I have been studying with teachers like Rolf&Marci and Richard who incorporate Iyengar approach when needed. We are here until next Friday and then to Mysore. Auroville is beautiful and convenient for Westerners. There is this beautiful meditation center called Matrimandir which is a golden ball. We still could not go in yet because there is a bit of procedure to get in, watching a video, info session and then need to book 2 days a head every time when you want to go for meditation., This is for me a bit bizarre... It is good to have an orientation session before hand but needing to call 2 days in advance each time when one wants meditate makes it a bit unavailable as a mediation center... For me, it is the doll of the Auroville where you see it from outside...

Over all, I have to admit that I see a lot about myself in this journey and I get a good reality check. I say I love India but when I am faced with situations which are totally away from my Western ways, I still have hard time. It is good to be in Pune, Goa, Mysore... all these places where there are basic Western standards available and where I know my way around... but then when I am faced with new places new situations, I can freak out... and also I see myself in a relationship. This time, India trip is totally different. Showing how much I have grown up, matured up and how much more I still need to work...

Goa as it is and some more

It has been more than two weeks since I arrived to Goa. It is again not the same... I am happy to be here in Goa, happy to be with my teachers and my friends... The new shala is much better than last year in my opinion, one room, bigger and more walls to practice on. My practice has been a bit back wards in some ways since in Boulder we were not doing our usual practice and also Marci is much more precise with somethings then Richard was. For instance, downdog with bend elbows, elbows looking to the back of the room... so surya namaskars were killers the first couple of weeks... I guess little by little the strength is coming back, although monday morning Marci put a block in between my elbows during drop backs because she thinks that my arms not strong enough to stay square... sometimes it feels like it is never good enough... well with a block between the elbows I can go down only so far and then I feel like I will drop on my head. It feels like circus... can you go down with a jug on your forehead? Well enough of complaining. Since Tuesday I am beginning at 5 AM, first shift... It is good to finish earlier and sometimes it is a bit intense to be waking up so early :P

I also went to Cuckoo on Monday and also today, the Taiwanese doctor here. I have met him in Istanbul many years ago, he is a good one. I went for my knee. He said that I am confusing, that it is not the knee but my hormones. Holding too many emotions there, he said and the energy line goes through the inside of the leg and so also where I have the knee pain. They did cupping, acupuncture and then I am given a tea for cleansing, then some pills, they are lotus something, and then calcium. Also no sugar! Fruit is okey for God's sake, also good quality honey but I am not keen on honey anyways... Unfortunately no more of those Goan sweets I like which are made with jaggery and coconuts, one is pinnag, the other is dodol...

What else... there are some more happenings and also very nice people this time. Getting together for food and drinks...

How can I forget to mention suite 50?

Well I forgot to mention suite 50, or cadaver lab. which we went for the anatomy part of the intensive... That was a whole another experience with many levels in itself. First and most it showed me what this body is, what this body becomes... It was not so easy for me, especially the first time but I stayed both times. Besides the obvious teaching of what this body becomes, it was also very educational in terms of anatomy. Of course when you see the real deal, it sticks to your mind much better! and how amazingly we are layered inside, so meticulously.. layers of meat, bones, skin, fat, tissue, the internals... they were all out there on the table. A practice in itself...

Reflections before leaving Boulder...

The whole month passed so quickly... I was scared the first morning when I was walking down to Yoga Workshop... I did not know what to expect, I was intimidated... But as it was intense (well it was an intensive...), it brought more ease within me. Both Richard and Mary were wonderful... Mary motherede us all, she was so patient with us and she was so giving and also a very good teacher! Richard's intelligence, knowledge, passion for investigation but also compassion for all of us have been so inspiring. In normal terms, I would be intimidated in the presence of such a person like Richard but I was not because Richard was also so humorous, and he was also so easy about the whole, "this is nothing, all is nothing, thank you for nothing..." and his understanding about not knowing and his constant encouragement to be intelligent, to investigate and his sarcasm... We, the students, were all 100% attention, trying to absorb as much as we can. I, personally got a lot from this experience in all levels... Asana practice gave a whole new perspective to my own practice, to the approach to the form and also to teaching... The philosophy talks were eye opener, and now I am more encouraged than ever to be curious, to learn more about the whole philosophy behind yoga practice and also Vedanta and Buddhist traditions. For this reason, I am travelling with all my books to India to re-read what we have already read and read what I could not read from the homework and listen to Richard's talks (thanks to Sasha who recorded all of them!)... Then, of course the meditations... It was a good beginning for me towards what I have been contemplating about for a year. I have been wanting to do a Vipassana for a year, I have been doing Osho meditatiopns which are all wonderful as well, but I have been wanting to sit for a period of time, and watch all that is in my head... Therefore, the meditation sessions we had at Shambala center, Jules, who shared his experience, knowledge and insight to meditation, have been all an encouragement, and also indicated me that my desire was in place... Well, also something which is important for me came out from those times we sat on our cushions. I have been in doubt about having my Osho sanyas name "Maya" for a year... After the last time I was in Pune, the time I did the 3 month long work as meditation program, I was not so eager to be associated with the Osho community... I have nothing against Osho, I love him, he speaks to my heart... but my life style, my interest in yoga, my discomfort with men's approach to women in the community and the stereotype sanyas image have been indicating me that I need to shed some stuff. Soo the clarity came during the weekend meditation retreat... I realized I do not need to change my name to show my dedication to meditation, I just need to sit and watch. Changing one's name can be a powerful experience, a new beginning, and at the time when I changed my name it was an important period in my life also; however, now I see that who is sitting in that cushion is not someone else, it is me... and it is all empty, whatever name you give it to, it does not matter... Ahu, Maya, Ganesh, Beautiful flower, etc... it is all nothing and everything... and I do not need to change names to get closer to what I am seeking, what am yearning for, I just have to investigate, be intelligent, not go into lethargy but be passionate, be excited and look deeply into whatever I want to know... so to simplify things I decided to go back to my name Ahu... This was such a big relief for me... and it is such a small detail also :)
Now I am at the airport... My journey is long, very long. In an half hour, I will be flying to Chicago, then to London, from London to Mumbai and then to Goa! The housing situation in Goa went awry due to double booking they have done at the place I booked. So, after a wee,k I have no place, but hopefully I will figure out once I get there. WEll, time to wrap up for me... gotta fly!!!

Short one

I have not been very chatty lately primarily because of the training. It is full on. Last week was intense, and we were all tired by Friday. Tuesday we went to cadaver lab for anatomy class. That was intense for me; on the other hand, seeing all the muscles, bones etc. in real is very effective to learn. Readings have been many and I am behind a little. This weekend, both days, we were meditating at Shambla center from 9:30 AM till 5:30 PM. This was intense on my knees, especially on the left. Then it snowed again, but I have a feeling that it will not stay long. Tomorrow is a new week! Lets see what it has to offer...

It has been more than two weeks since I have been in Boulder. Even though it is a university town and every coffee shop has wireless internet connection, there is no internet cafes. So, my first week, I used Naropa university library computers once thanks to Shane. He gave me a grand tout of the university and also sorted me with the bus system... Then, a week later before the course began, lovely Bethan arrived, she is also staying in the same house with me so I had the opportunity to read my emails from her computer. And now, I got a mini... well... I thought about it and thought it would be too much to buy a mini computer but then Bethan was smart enough to suggest that I can sell it before I leave India to someone who would like to be connected while traveling, or sell it at home... So, I got this mini HP today... It is really light and it does all I need...
Of course the real news is not me owning another electronics device.... It is the training.... So far cannot be any better... Richard is a river of knowledge, he is amazing me everyday more and more with his knowledge and his attitude, his personality and his humor.... Also, Mary is wonderful, really soft, caring but also really but really grounded, strong personality (she makes me wish that when I reach her age I can also reach her state of being... if this sounds strange it is because I donnu how to quiet say this I guess)

The training is asana practice which goes slowly through primary series, meditation, chanting in sanskrit, philosophy, and sometimes more asana to talk over adjustments and anatomy... learning correct adjustments, what not to touch, pull, push in someones body. I have to say some differences from previous teachings I had, so I am glad to learn more corrects ways of adjusting... The chanting part makes me feel like I am in Mysore. Richard's sanskrit is really good, and also his chanting is really good... ohh then the philosophy talks are just making me wonder how all this knowledge accumulated in one person, and is there any possibility I can reach that level in this life time? I feel like not really possible for me, but that is not the point really anyways, we are who we are... Then the meditation part. We meditate everyday after asana practice, and the time of meditation is getting longer slowly and then Wednesdays are hour and a half meditation at the Shambala center, which is a Tibetan Buddhist Center. We had our first session at the center this Wednesday and Jillian who is a Tibetan translator for the Lamas visiting the States and who also practices at the Yoga Workshop introduced us to the method of the meditation they practice.

I am thinking more and more that I need to spend more time in Boulder. I am thinking maybe rolfing... and that would be a great way of learning much much more about anatomy... and also studying Sanskrit somewhere. I think I come back here next spring, and maybe for a year... I see... everything will shape in its own time and way. It is hard to tell what will come up in the next months and I have to learn to pace myself instead of getting too excited and anxious.

Today is Sunday. BEthean and I walked in the morning to the shala for Richard's foundation and form class but he was not teaching it, De was subbing for him and I have already done it with her, so we came back home. I really want to do this class with him, I hope he teaches it next Sunday. But this afternoon is Mysore with him! And tomorrow, we go on full schedule again. Tuesday is our first cadaver lab visit, kind of nervous about it.

A Week

So, I practice with Peter and his group of students for a week. Nice group of people, very peaceful energy, and Peter’s presence as a teacher is also very good. It was good for me to begin practicing with others again. I see that I get nervous practicing with others after such long time of alone practice; I realize this mostly during standing postures, it takes me much longer to get grounded… specially utthita hasta padangusthasana becomes difficult.. The mind, wandering mind gets you out of balance ☺ Over all, it was very motivating as usual to practice with other students. Being in my friend’s class was very nice as well. I also feel good if any of my students decides to continue Mysore classes with Peter because I know that he will be a good teacher to them. I actually feel lucky for his presence, dedicated students will find their way to him and he is a good friend, what more I can ask for? Maybe this is not very sound in business perspective but I guess I will never make sense in business terms in yoga... what to do...

What else…. Himmm a week is left for me to take off to Boulder. But more than excitement, I have a bit of anxiety…. a bit of resentment… which I do not want to carry around. I will see what I do… I met with my beloved body this noon, it was really good to be with her, talk to her…

nice surprises...

So, the last class was very nice. There were people who were not showing up for a while also. At the end of the class, some of my students gave me gifts! A group of them made a very cute Ashtangi genie post card and attached a nice silver needle on it; another one gave me silver earrings; and another brought me a book by Walt Whitman, “Laws of Creations”. I was not expecting this much… Actually I was not even expecting more then few people showing up for the class, so this was a nice surprise. Afterwards, I had coffee with few of them and chatted for a while. That was also lovely.

The rest of Sunday was pretty much about organizing stuff in my apartment: Storing the clothes I will be leaving and at the same time, already trying to figure out what to bring with me to such journey. All the places I am going requires different type of clothing; Colorado will be cold, next is Goa which is not real India, mostly beach clothing, then Mysore, it is hot but a real Indian city, therefore requires more conservative clothing, then who knows what is next ☺. So, I was going round and round in my apartment…

Then, in the evening, when I was checking my emails I saw that I got another nice surprise. P. emailed to congratulate for earning a vacation/travel time and to invite me to practice in his Mysore class this week. This is such a nice, thoughtful gift. I was so happy, so of course, this morning I already showed up! And it was great! I had a good, warm practice, sweated much more than I usually do alone. P.’s presence was very nice as a teacher and all the students were focused on their practice. Very nice group. I enjoyed practicing with them very much. Practicing with other people is always much better for me. Also, I realized that I was in the same room where I began yoga and then Ashtanga yoga after a long while….

Today I also had to go to my dentist. What happened in Mysore last year happened again but luckily, this time it happened not right after I left but right before I left. The crown of one of my root canals broke. My dentist made the diagnosis that I should be squeezing my chaw for this to be happening all the time. Therefore, he is also making me a thing to wear at nights on my teeth to prevent me squeezing the chaw : S

Last class of the year...

Last night two of my high school friends came for dinner. It was really nice to have the girls. I don’t why I don’t get together with them more often, it really felt home. Of course we know each other from very young and we were boarding students together, so we have this bond which is very deep. We had nice chat, some food I have prepared and two of us had a bottle of white. As most of the time, while drinking, it is good, tasty etc. but the next morning, I feel so dehydrated and bloated and hungry every half hour (!?) Thank God I don’t drink as I used to anymore! Now, it is only maybe a glass every other week and more than one glass like last night is pretty rare…

Of course, I woke up at 6AM this morning, even though I was in bed after 12AM. The alcohol does not let me sleep much… so what I did at 6AM on this Saturday morning was reading children’s version of Ramayana ☺. I just finished reading Ka finally. It was a very good book but not an easy read… so it took me a while. There are so many books to read… now I am reading one of the versions of the Bhagavad Gita Richard listed in the reading list. They will be giving us another version during the training…

What else… ? Tomorrow is my last class of the year. I hope it will be a nice one like one of those Sundays where the energy in the room is really harmonies and fluid. I hope I was some help to the students who came to the classes. I tried to share whatever I know… I am aware that I am at the very beginning of all… I tired to be open and giving and also I tried to learn from them as much as they were learning from me… I am not sure what will happen when I come back. I have a feeling things will go differently… where to teach and all… Here is not much space/acceptance for Ashtanga. Things are becoming more and more concentrated in Anusara at the studio. So be it; I have no problem with this, I just don’t have any training or interest in that style. I just might need to find a place for myself to teach and that might be the best thing that ever happened! Well, there is so much till then, so much will happen within me and out there, I will change with all the things ahead me and who knows where I will end up, how I will end up... no need to spend much energy on all this. I just want to get things done that I need to get done before I leave...

I also met with K. the Rolfer in the afternoon. We went on talking about alllllll sorts of things since I had much to tell and he always has much to say… It was nice, and hopefully I will see him before I leave or I will see him in Goa.

moment

Last night I woke up just before 12AM with the feeling of as if I have slept the whole night… it was not convenient… I tried to go back to sleep but it took a while and of course, in the morning, it took me a while to get up. I passed out for extra half an hour before I realized this and had an “OMG I should get up and practice” moment… One thing that kept me up and kept me dwelling on was this experience I had yesterday during meditating. In the middle of my meditation (I guess) I got to the point where I was just in the moment, feeling very neutral and total, just really being in the moment, witnessing… I have experienced this before in previous times, but I tend to crowd it with thoughts rapidly. This time, I let the thoughts pass by from over my head, not letting them touch… and then I realized the fear. It was such a moment that there was no time, just the moment and I could stay there forever and not knowing how long I was there, eternity... and then of course, I would disappear ( I guess?)… Consequently, there was the fear of disappearing because of course I wanted to go to Boulder for the TT and then to India and on and on; I did not want to vanish. I don’t know if I make any sense… but next time, if I can get to this state again, I hope to relax in it even more… maybe this experience I had was the reason why I was up so early feeling like if I have slept the whole night, maybe it provided me a good rest…

About the practice? After Richard, the practice feels different, more fluid and also strong… Even 2 days with him made a difference in my practice and teaching, I cannot imagine what will happen in four weeks with him!!! Tomorrow and Sunday are my last classes to teach for this year… Then I will be getting ready; I will be getting my house together for the person who is renting it, I will be applying for Indian Visa, which I need before I go to the States… and I will be spending time with some friends and my family… I had breakfast with my POL body this morning, we are so similar no wonder we were bodies! I love her!

R. Freeman!

At the end, I decided to attend Richard Freeman’s workshop which is happening since this Friday evening. I am very happy that I have this opportunity of meeting him and studying him before I arrive to Boulder. And what was I thinking when I said I will not go to this workshop? I am so weird sometimes… I am in despair here about not having a teacher and then the teacher whose TT I will do in a month comes here and I hesitate about going to the workshop? It just does not make sense! Last night, after the first session I was so high with excitement, with inspiration… Richard is great; he is so humorous and full of information. I was expecting him to be teaching Ashtanga with an Iyengar approach but this is not the case… He is very different… yes, there is alignment of course but the emphasizes on the internals of the practice, drishti, bandhas, ujjai breath, as the key… the central axis, the nectar, and releasing the palate with an ‘Aaaa”… ohh I am so excited… there is so much to learn from him! This workshop has been great for me for getting familiar with his teaching and also as I have told a friend, I realize that every opportunity of studying with him is a blessing!

At last...

Ohh yeah I did it at last, went through a Chriz Chavez treatment this morning. The funny thing is that I didn’t have to think much. By this I mean the following: I was out last night until after 1AM (with my POL friends )which is something I rarely do and then I woke up at 10 past 10 AM which is something I rarely do and then I just threw myself out of the bed and out of the door to go to Chris Chavez’s Anusara Yoga class which is something I never do…! Well, I just had to experience this to get rid of the curiosity of C.C. about whom so many people has been talking about… Yeah, from the beginning till the end of the class what I feared happened, there was here and there “Maya this Maya that, Maya do this Maya do that" kept coming out of him. First, it was “ Maya, see that tattoo on your left shoulder how bright it is? I want your lips to be as bright as your tattoo, smile!!!!” then again, smile!… then spread the feet hip distance in uttanasana, tadasana (well I got that after two times). Then the first demonstration and who he picks is “MAYA! Come to down dog and throw your hips like a ball over your shoulders”!!! yeah exactly what I have been struggling over for year and a half! How does he picks on that is something to appreciate! And he made me do that for 5-6-7 times as Marci was doing during my last month in Goa. And then coming to hand stand… it was fine and then we worked with partners. Before the class began, I placed myself in a safe spot, next to Yigit who is one of the new graduates of the teacher training; I know him and like him, so it was good to be partners with him. As I practiced with Y jumping up with two legs, I realized that I am going forward enough to coming to handstands, whereas I always thought that I was way far away… At one point, Chris made us also do opening the legs and rotating them around and then lifting left hand first and then the right hand. Then, we went on with other stuff until coming to back bends…! With back bends a different approach with arms, he wants students to open the hands almost as wide as the mat. I go for hands as wide as my shoulders which is the way Marci teaches us. Then again he made me come up and then wanted me to drop back with open arms which I did… he thinks this way is more opening the heart but I do with arms up then reaching up and backwards and I think with arms floating on the sides would be a bit too much for a beginner and they can lend on top of their heads instead of their hands… then he again made me come up with floating arms on the side... that was alright for me. But he was not satisfied he said “she is already too open it was not as dramatic so I will show on someone else...” Therefore, with two other people he demonstrated, and one was this big basketball player and that did not look so great to me, he wants people to come to the toes, lifting the heels to come up which is exact opposite of what Marci wants you to do. She gets so mad when you lift the heels; as a result, I had to learn not throwing myself up and lifting the heels for which now I am grateful to Marci because much more stable way of coming up and stronger legs…

I can say he really makes people high, he knows good anatomy, he knows what he teaches very well, he is a good person… On the other hand, for me, his class was too much exposure and I am just out of ‘Path of Love’ for God’s sake… and then too much talking, pointing people out, too much yeah you can do it… and with the smiling thing… sorry but a bit giirrrr…. He went on most of the time with stuff like Maya is this and that, and I have been feeling just the opposite actually, very weak for the last week and he sees through this and so, he points out what you are struggling with right away but in an opposite light… However, I was uncomfortable with all the cheering because I know my ego would love, would totally love it but what I long for is not satisfying my ego but being me, just pure me with no illusions around it (ha! Wow! My sannyas name had to mean something; for the first time , now I see that this is perhaps why I became to be renamed as Maya...! I guess I should be thankful to Chris for showing me this)

Yet, I am happy that I went to his class, so now I know what it is like. And once in every six months or even once a year of Chriz Chaves seems enough for me ☺. I really love silent practice and this is not because I am super serious but because I need to internalize to get grounded. The main reason I practice is to be grounded to this world. And the most important point for me is being able to do something not when Chris is cheering and helping me but when I am alone, by myself, with my self-knowledge knowing that I can do it or discovering that I can do it and doing it. OF course I am not undermining his help, he shows people that their capacity is beyond what they believe it to be and that is really helpful… but for me, the bottom line is I gotta do it myself. And perhaps that is my weakest and strongest side; don’t like to ask for help, can’t ask for help and also trying to learn standing firm on my own feet…

P.S. I watched an interview with B.K.S Iyengar on Youtube yesterday. At the end, the interviewer asked if his ego was being pumped by being Mr. Iyengar, the person who had the biggest role in having yoga spread to the West, receiving so much recognition, respect, love... His answer was “I am grateful to God in Yoga, that they are punishing me, this way I am happy to get some injuries now and then so I become quiet. I am happy that something comes to me so I can devote my time more and more to my practice and be free from this egoistic cult” . His answer is a great teaching. I understand more and more… (I cannot post the interview here since I can get to youtube from sideways due to it is being banned by Turkish Government… )

Dilemma or not

I have a dilemma…. Okey before my dilemma I have other things to write about…. Right after I came back from Path of Love. it was a religious holiday here so not many people at all. Sunday the usual suspects came to the practice but then Monday and Tuesday they all slacked… A was still here when I came back. Monday he was the only person who came to class and we kept talking for a long time and at the end, he decided not to practice… then he left the next day for India! Very exciting.

I cannot wait to be in India either. My next journey is getting closer, only one month left for me to leave! Ohh my God! Exactly one month later I will be taking off for another one. I am trying to have no expectations… really, trying to have it blank, so I am not disappointed with myself or others or with stuff…. But of course it is not easy… well I am still excited but trying to keep it at that. Well there are things to do before I leave so I will begin focusing on them systematically.

What else…. My practice is okey… a bit less power but then handstand practices feel good… I am not sure what to thing about my practice anymore… and then the dilemma: should I try out this Anusara teacher’s class? I am so not wanting… and so, it will be forcing myself to do something I do not want to do but then a. I am curious b. I am scared, but why? What am I avoiding? Maybe nothing maybe I am just dreading to be forced to do stuff I feel like I cannot do. Then I already have my practice which I am happy with and I am not so interested in trying out everything out there. Does this make me narrow minded or someone who likes to focus? ohh I will see how I feel on the weekend. If I have an intention I will go… if not, it will be just fine because it will be my choice.

Okay… how am I feeling after Path of Love? I am feeling good. Better sleep. Meditation everyday, which I enjoy, and have the urge everyday… Reading KA which is not an easy book to read… also reading some poetry and sometimes writing too… a bit unsocial with other people, who has not done the process. that

Back from Path of Love

Yes! Back from Path of Love and I am amazed! It was a wonderful journey! I am so glad I have done it. This will be a blessing for me in my present and future… I feel funny about all the frustration and excuses I had before doing it, because it was worth everything I have given to it! I feel like words cannot describe… but what I can say is that it is an honest work on yourself! If you truly dare to open your heart, just go for it! It was not easy at all but somehow you commit and go through it and the outcome is you will see…

Well, this morning was my first practice in a week but since I was physically active all week long, it was okay. I was in a nice steady pace. It felt good to be on my mat. I did only primary and it is Friday anyways but uuppps today is a moonday! Well it is new moon and I took it slowly…

This morning I had coffee for the firs time in 3 weeks and I am so shaky now. I am literally shaking, my mind is too overwhelmed. I guess I should have begun with decaf. Uhhh, well tomorrow will be decaf because I still love the taste.

Almost POL

Tomorrow afternoon POL begins… I mean Path of Love. I donnu what to expect anymore. I have been frustrated with myself about getting myself into this… I have been thinking “ohh what are they gonna make us do? I don’t believe in this, how can things change in 6 days???… blablabla… Ohh well, I did sign up for it tough, so I better go with it. Dad used to say that one should finish what they begin, not to leave things half way through… Maybe signing up was not really half way through but it was a beginning and I guess it is better to be done with it. Then I will not keep hearing about it and wonder whether I should do it or not…

Well, about this week, about the practice… It was an okay week… the practice was mostly good except on Wednesday morning. Wednesday I was tired, heavy, all the usual excuses for not having a good practice. But I have been good and never skipped practicing handstands… Yes, I need to do them everyday even if it is only once.

The weather has been rainy all week long. It became cooler but the practice got sweater(?) the humidity I believe. With the classes… there is one guy who has been coming since Sunday morning… he has a wonderful practice, great energy… enjoyed his presence and I assume other students also. Then, there is a newbie who showed up on Tuesday, and he is doing great!

Yesterday was big rain all night long, which means as I was practicing ☺ … There is suppose to be a big rain tomorrow as well. I hope that won’t create problem for us to arrive to the venue where the POL will take place. I have to admit that one nice thing about this POl is silence for a week! I think that is what I love the most.

Well one last thing is the new movie by Tarontino, Inglourious Basterds. I went to see it with mom yesterday and it was really good. I recommend it.

Coffee Break

I am a bit low in moods. Perhaps it is part of the quitting coffee process. Yes, I am quitting coffee for Path of Love because during the process, we will not be allowed to drink coffee ☹ and I do not want to have the withdrawal when I am in the process! I am a bit rebellious about this because they let smokers have few cigarettes a day but not a cup of coffee to coffee drinkers in the morning!!!! Well, to tell the truth, I am fine with not having coffee for a while. It is perhaps good to detox from caffeine, it is just difficult with my early rising schedule. I stopped last Sunday, so I can have couple of weeks to get back to normal… but I have been drinking a cup of black tea in the mornings; however, this coming week, I will not even have that... Maybe green tea for the first couple of days…

Practice has been okay, maybe a bit heaviness… would that be due to no coffee I wonder? But also a bit weak maybe… I have been lazy with practicing hand stands and then on Wednesday, when I tried to press against the wall I could not do, which was something I had discovered that I could do after my castor oil bath a month ago… well, I got a bit obsessed, so I tried many times and at the end I managed to squeeze out one… but I wonder what was the reason that I could not do it all of a suddenly… not good bandhas that morning maybe… or not doing any handstands while on vacation… and then being lazy about them here…

Thursday afternoon I went to the island to see my parents who got back from their vacation on Lesvos Island! Since it was a moon day on Friday, I stayed over night. This time, I was really good to be in the island, very peaceful, quiet, and it was nice to see my parents after a long time. I also realize swimming is really good for my knee. The doctor also mentioned that when I saw him a month ago; he said that swimming increases the blood circulation, which is quite low over the bone area, and so it helps with the healing.

Well, one good news is I found housing in Boulder! That is very relieving. I was beginning to get nervous because I will be in isolation for a week during POL and what if something come up from the studio regarding housing, I would miss it again as it happened while I was on vacation and did not have internet access…. So that is sorted out and I also have a friend to rent my apartment for at least the last 3 months of my away time…

Now I am thinking of going to Yin Yoga…

Post weekend

I am very moody today, I guess it is the Path of Love nervousness or something… I am thinking now that 6 day process cannot do much… maybe will do a slight thing… maybe I will explode during POL, ha and they will all run out. But now I just want to be by myself.

Anyways… Yesterday, I was actually full power surprisingly after all the food I had during birthday. Birthday was okey… but I decided not to do such a party again here, I felt like a little kid. Maybe if I am away somewhere in India, I can be with friends, have a nice lunch… that would be lovely… sigh… I miss India so much. Actually I had enough of being here now, and now I think I don’t even want to come back… Ohh, I am so negative today and it is just the beginning of the week. Well, this morning I was very sleepy when I woke up and during the whole practice I was low energy as oppose to yesterday. The point is everything changes as I see in my practice from one morning to the other... so my thoughts will also change about being here and there, etc....

Then, I am getting all excited as I read Susananda’s blog about Sharath’s workshop in London, but there is still time for me to be in Mysore and who knows if Sharath will be there teaching… nobody.

Okey maybe I should not blog when I feel like this. I should sit back and read something and get my mind off the negativity… or sit with it and see which is more real as Suzuki asks, my problem or myself who is sitting? And what is my problem by the way? Well, complicated but: being here, not being strong with certain individuals, and being apologetic for being myself… uhhh

Today is the birthday day... 32!

Today is the birthday day… Yes already 32 and feeling as young as ever. This year I guess it will be different. Last year, I entered my new age only with my sister, a bit depressed and feeling lonely. This year, we are having small garden party in my sister’s beautiful garden. And I see how we contribute in creating our own happiness and unhappiness. Last year, I was stubborn to organize anything because I thought there was no point. Yes, I was in a negative mood, negative about myself, about being in this city, etc… This year, actually my friend suggested that we do this garden party and so I invited few friends… and we will see how it goes. I have a feeling it will go fine…
I am trying to bake my own birthday cake as usual. Actually, I already baked the cake (chocolate beer cake from Delia Smith) but it does not seem to be the way it should and I know why because I used whole wheat flour ☺ and the chocolate sauce is not done yet, it is too bitter, have to adjust it… kind of a mess but I am sure people will be fine no matter how it turns out.

This week was fine. I was a bit sleepy in the mornings… I think it is normal since I was waking up at 6AM while on holiday and then going back to 4AM was a bit tough. Then I had to show something to a student because I could not describe it with words but then that brought up the pain on the side of the knee which was actually getting better and better… I was a bit frustrated but then as the week went along, I began to have more and more soft attitude towards myself, my knee, my pain, my injury… I just realized my practice is not about what I can do and not do… and I have faith that I will heal, I just have to believe. And I guess acupuncture would help tones but have to wait for that since I do not know any good place here in Istanbul. I am also doing hip openers every day to reduce any stress that can go to my knee…

Also Path of Love… The process begins on 11th of September but actually it already began! They send you questionnaires and those really begin the process. After filling the second one, that same night, I began having nightmares about people from my past… people I should have let go long time ago but obviously they are still under the carpet. I hope the process will do the cleaning needed!

Okey, going back to birthday mood! Happy 32 to me! I feel very blessed for having Yoga in my life, having my teachers and my friends in my life, having the opportunity travel, and live in India every year! And yes blessed to have such a great family.

Back from Lesvos

I am back from my vacation! It was very nice. Lesvos is a beautiful island and I felt very lucky to be there from the first day. And yes, I was very lucky because the first moment we stepped into the commune (Afroz) we met my sister’s friend and his girlfriend who is also an Ashtangi! It was such a good luck as you can imagine because I had a practice friend while I was there! She has been an ashtanga practioner much longer than me and therefore, she is more advanced; but she is, as most long practiconers, very humble. She usually practiced the same sequence with me and she also gave me very nice adjustments! I could not have been more fortunate! We usually met between 6 and 6:30 AM at the Buddha Grove for practice. And there was a guy, who became a friend later on, who sleeps on Buddha Grove (he likes to be under stars while sleeping), so he would wake up to us practicing and then he would begin his own Thai Chi practice… and then some more people would arrive to do their own stretches and yoga practice…

The 3-day group with P & S was nice. It was called Love, Devotion and Surrender. Personally, I did not like the first day so much, but I enjoyed the second day of Devotion. We did Sufi zickers and Chanted Hindu mantras to live music during the second day… and the second half of third day was also great, we did Stop dance to live music and the musicians went wild with the music coming to some divine peak and so we did with the dancing…

Then the rest of the time, I took it easy… Swimming in the ice cold waters of Lesvos, which was very good for my knee. Then, eating good food, deserts, and all the fresh figs you can imagine ☺. Going to White Robe every night, which is much more relaxed than it is in Pune… We hung out with my new ashtangi friend and his boyfriend a lot. His boyfriend was teaching Cherokee dance, so I joined them every morning after breakfast to do the dance. Then I also met some people I have known from Pune… it was great! People from all over the world getting together. Since Afroz is not so big, the vibe was very much family like, warm…

Being back of course is always a challenge but I feel okay today. Istanbul is not super hot at least and I have somethings to look forward to. First of all, I missed my students, and I am recharged so I feel good to be back to teaching. Then, I decided to join Path of Love which will happen in mid September. Since I have dedicated 10 weeks to love and this group has been popping up on my face with better payment plans etc… so I decided to do it. And then of course Boulder where I will be stuck forever… well this is my feeling but then I am so devoted to Rolf… which will pull me to the east again.

Vacation Almost!

I am on the verge of a vacation!!! Yes, my sister and I will go to Lesvos island tomorrow. My sister says it has the most beautiful sea… and of course, we will have lots of fun staying at Afroz, the Osho center in the island. The first three days will be a chanting and mediation group with Premartha, Svarup and Milerepa. Then we will do our own thing; participate in daily meditations, lay at the beach, swim, eat, drink, be merry.

I am also hoping to get a nice rest. Not to wake up so early… and take it easy with practice a bit so the inflammation on my femur can recover fully. It has been doing fine but now the doctor told me to stop using the medicine and see how it goes without it, and he told me to take it easy until it heals to do point that I can do everything without pain… Without the medicine, I feel it more. Therefore, need for more attentiveness still, not to push it at all… and it should be okay, I have to have faith that it will heal… it gets difficult sometimes… my usual all or nothing side starts yapping that I will be stuck with this situation… ohh the mind… but then I say nothing is permanent, all is changing constantly, so have faith and do what you must do! I do what I must do: I take care and practice with care and not loose hope.

Now I need to pack, and pack lightly, which is always a challenge!