Energy shift

I woke up this morning pretty sleepy… But I was not bothered by it because I knew it already, it is the heavy energy of Saturn this week… Got to the shala in the dark and began practicing slowwwlllyyy… But then at one point something happened, something significant and I became full power as Rolf would put it. Yes, I really felt that my energy changed, got lifted up and at the same time, I realized I was feeling pretty good, like no trace of the depressed mood I have been recently… I doonu what happened, what made this difference. But the first thing came to my mind was the pranayama/meditation class of David I attended after my own class... During the day, I also practiced at home the ashtanga pranayama I learned from Rolf and then sat for meditation for a while… so it was double dose of all… maybe that was the key. And I did double dose because In Zen Mind Beginners Mind Suzuki says:

“Actually the best way to relieve your mental suffering is to sit in zazen, even in such a confused state of mind and bad posture. If you have no experience of sitting in this kind of difficult situation you are not a Zen student. No other activity will appease your suffering. In other restless positions you have no power to accept your difficulties, but in the zazen posture which you have acquired by long, hard practice, your mind and body have great power to accept things as they are, whether they are agreeable or disagreeable.
When you feel disagreeable it is better for you to sit. There is no other way to accept your problem and work on it….
When you are sitting in the middle of your problem, which is more real to you: your problem or you yourself? The awareness that you are here, right now is the ultimate fact. This is the point you will realize by zazen practice….”

So, I decided to sit at noon to see what happens. Then at night, when I was sitting with all the other people in class, I kept asking myself what is more real: my so called problems or myself who is sitting here right now? Maybe it worked or my stars shifted in the morning and I became full power with better mood, energetic and joyous :)… and I guess it was pretty noticeable...

Moping is no fun, but it happens...

I am not going to pretend that all is fine with me. I am a bit depressed for the last couple of days… the marks of that is already in my previous post anyways…

What to do, what to do? Lots of things are churning within me…
But at the same time, I am trying to look at all this and stay calm, take it easy, not panic, try to get inspired from my lovely ashtangi friends and my teachers. Trying to keep in mind that they also probably struggled at some points but kept going and believing that their devotion will bring light.
Therefore, I am trying find lightness within… yes, it is a bit heavy inside…

But then, there are things like my friend trimming the dry ends of my hair yesterday which was very nice… I am growing the hair, resisting the temptation to cut it… but with Goan sunshine and ocean, it got beaten up, so a trim was what needed. My friend also told me to put a bit of oil on it everyday… Moreover, when I was over my friends' place, I got to pet this super cute white dog… she was like a cartoon, puffy, very hairy, snow white, thick ears!

Then, I am reading Zen Mind, Beginners Mind. I read half of it some years ago… I guess, at that time, I was not really getting it or able to stay focused, now I enjoy it very much. Reading this book also seems to be helping with the current state of the mind…

Well, this will also pass… I trust…

Self doubt

I am starting to get discouraged about this whole trying to teach here, in this city, at CY. Maybe I am not suppose to say this so openly but this is how I feel in this very moment. I feel like I don’t fit in… there are too many opinions against ashtanga and I donnu what to say about it all…

Yesterday, I was feeling quiet down anyways… I felt that I am missing India a lot, and I began thinking to go back before October. To be honest, my goal is not being a popular yoga teacher or something. I am only looking for yoga and the teaching is by product of it… otherwise, it is presumptuous maybe. I do not like attitudes of I know it all anyways… I am a student in the very first place… and I love what I do, I love what I am studying and then I try to share it with all the love I have. But it seems like maybe it is not working… maybe love is not the way to approach yoga here…
Well, self doubt is knocking on the door just like my astrology prediction described… maybe I have to keep going, not give up so quickly, just believe in what I do, just watch it all and not get involved so emotionally…
let me be strong universe! then maybe I get B.B. as well...

Full Moon Power

Happy full moon! I feel like this full moon is full of energy, which makes us see our potential… I taught two classes yesterday, one was the regular morning Mysore class and then I had a regular class during noontime. My own practice in the morning felt “full power” as Rolf would put it. There was nothing extraordinary happened, like me jumping into Bakasana B or handstand but it was a quiet stable, grounded practice…
Then, in the afternoon, I had a massage, which I booked in the beginning of the week. I really needed one… it was very nice.
But the real story….
At night, as I was being full moon wild, not going to bed at 8PM. In the mids of this wildness, I got a call from someone who came to my class during noon. She called me to share her experience during and after the class. First, I got it totally wrong because when she said the practice was strong I thought “shoot, I screwed up and did a too strong class for B2 level…” But then I realized that she meant it was strong in a sense that it was healing and opening and clearing for her… She is someone who had been doing ashtanga on and off for a long time but because of some injury she stopped and she only sometimes practices… And yesterday, she even did a backbend, which I was not expecting because her injury was on her back. She also mentioned this, how she was scared of backbends but yesterday she did it and realized she is strong enough to do it and she can actually open up and do it! Of course during this whole conversation I was nervous, and excited and surprised… She told me that I have peaceful energy and she is happy that I teach ashtanga here and that I should keep on and that she is excited for me that I am going to R.F. training and finally she said please don’t go away to India… Well… after this talk I was shaken up a bit… and then again, one more time I felt the power of this practice. The way it touches people… I mean, of course, it was not me who made her have that experience, the healing, detoxifying, empowering practice… She decided to come to class; she came and she flowed with her breath, then she got the courage to do a backbend and realized that she can do it. In a way, the practice transformed her energy. She let the practice work on her.

I believe that the grounding power of this practice is very strong. It makes one to go on, makes one to hold on and be strong. At least, for me, one the most powerful aspect of this practice has been this. But this is not the only one, it also shows us how we have all these limitations in our minds about what we can and cannot do. We actually have no idea of what we are capable of doing, we judge ourselves too harshly sometimes. I know that this is the case for me… It was the case when I was trying to do my backdrops, I was so scared and thought I can not do them at all… Indeed, before coming drop backs, when I saw Marichyasana B not even D, I was like hahah you think that knee will come down and then I will bind?!… and then the first time, I bind to lotus, it was maybe for a breath but I was so excited and surprised… And now I have been trying and struggling with Bakasana B and jumping into handstands with two legs… My initial response was ohh it will never happen, ohh I am not strong enough, ohh I do not know how to jump up… and on and on… and I was so frustrated so discouraged with myself and I was feeling so weak which made me judge myself so much. I felt like a looser, and even quitting practice passed my mind when I was in Goa struggling with all this. The practice was already more emotional than physical… First month I told Marci I won’t try handstands anymore because I cannot do them, something happened that I cannot even kick to the wall for handstands… because I was so nervous, I was afraid that I could not do it, and of course I could not. But then a month later I asked for help from Marci for Bakasana B and then yes I had to begin practicing jumping into handstands with two feet again. She told me to not judge myself and just play with it like kids do. She said just try everyday and be playful about it like we would do when we were kids and she said that at some point, you will be so tired of not being able to do it that you will do it… I am still waiting for that moment. Some mornings, I ask myself “aren’t you tired of not being able to do it? just do it and get over with it…” so then I jump harder with more commitment… I also remind myself I keep practicing and when my body and my mind, shortly myself is ready, it will happen. And so just like that, last night, I dreamed that I did it, and the funny think it just happened, there was no such huge physical effort to it, it happened very lightly, smoothly. This is my third such dream! Maybe it means I am getting closer and closer. They say that if you can dream it, you will do it! I feel like this is all full moon power, showing me and many others like me that there is more to what we can do it.

In fact, all this is not limited to asana practice. I see now that we usually have no idea of the extent of our effect on other people. I had no clue that yesterday’s class could touch someone like it did, but also I think she had no clue how she touched me either. Yesterday during the day, many hours before this talk, for several times, I taught to myself that how lucky I am to have someone like her, who can actually be my teacher, coming to my classes. I kept thinking that she is such an example of humility and grace and that I should learn from her. I guess I was right because she showed me more than I was aware of.

Then, I guess, there are ones who overestimates themselves but that is another story which I cannot elaborate on…

Don't care anymore...

Yey, I don't care much anymore about this trademark stuff... well, if I can, I will object the process because I think we should be free to say we teach Ashtanga Yoga, Hatha Yoga, whatever Yoga but now I also believe that they cannot really prevent us and yes there will be the threat of a large some of fine if they want to enforce this right which they might own... well, I guess universe will take care.. whatever is suppose to happen will happen.

By the way this change of daylight saving time change really knocked me out... I feel tired... that biological clock does not adjust so fast.

I just bought beautiful flowers, my first flowers for my new place!

And yes, my left knee is still not good. Have to do some serious taking care of... I have been going to Yin Yoga classes once a week to open the hips more, but I guess once a week is not enough... well I do some hip openers before practice as well... and also Maha Narayan Taila oil is not working much either... himmm I cannot remember how it happened? it began in Mysore.... need to back of more seriously I guess.

Patent what????

Yes, I am freaking out!!! A friend told me that someone is trying to patent the names Hatha Yoga and Ashtanga Yoga in Turkey! That is B.S. and big time with capitals! Who can think that they have such a right?!!! And I Google searched for this person’s name and it is a GYM in Ankara!!! They don’t even have Yoga classes! Even if they did, it does not matter! How can they do such a thing! I still cannot believe! I am so frustrated, fired up at this point! And you might ask how this friend knew about this… Well that is another thing because he is trying to patent the names Power Yoga and also I think Vinyasa Yoga… and we see how things get distorted in some places… oohh there is some yoga began happening in Turkey finally and happily but, there has to be a but unfortunately, suddenly all these people see the right to own it for themselves and without forgetting to try inhibit it for others! To those out there who do not realize it That is NOT Yogic at all! Moreover, “you might be a true yogi but sorry this is real life” crap does not cut it for me either. First of all, I am not true anything, I do not even imagine to being close to a yogi… and second of all even Pattabhi Jois did not patent Ashtanga Yoga, he says yoga is for everyone,he says "it is universal, not one man's property", so who are they to patent it!... I wish an end to this foolishness!

I even called Yoga Sala, the other school where they also teach Ashtanga Yoga. So, hopefully, we will be able to prevent such thing! The owner of YS will do some research… and he guesses if we object, then they cannot get the patent! Please cross all the fingers for us!

Writing for clarity...

Time to write… Time to write to be clearer. As I write things usually became clearer, and they either dissolve or they become more solid.

By the way, happy moon day! Yeah very much needed moon day! Yesterday, I was pretty dizzy in the beginning of my practice, a bit heavy, felt like new moon, lazy energy. In the days I feel sluggish, after I begin the sitting positions, I usually recover from the dizziness and low energy… but standing postures makes me feel like uhum what am I doing? Well, still I was feeling a bit tired after practice while teaching and I had to teach another class after the Mysore class… which in fact helped me lift my energy. Surprisinging for myself, I was clear and precise … as oppose to being all over the place which can be expected during those low energy, low motivation days. Expect the unexpected, always? Well, actually the day turned out to be a full on day. After my class, I saw David who came from the hospital. They had a baby boy! He asked me if I wanted to go back to the hospital with him to see the baby and Zeynep and of course I could not say no since I wanted to very much! Yes, the baby is beautiful, and pretty grown up! We say Masallah in Turkey.

Afterwards, in the evening, there was a talk by Godfrey Deveruex on Patanjali’s Yoga Sutras. He is a very smart and has interesting interpretations… At the end of his talk, I thought that they all give the same message, tell the same thing, “Everything is perfect, you are perfect, we are perfect, just relax and realize this fact…” Yes, Osho also always tells this… To be honest, Osho is the one who touches me the most with his speech. Anyways… so it was a night of getting together and listening to a Yoga master. I got terribly sleepy because of the heaviness I felt all day, not really because of waking up early, because I have late Friday nights usually and I feel okey. It is the new moon laziness, I am telling. And this morning my left eye feels like swollen, or a bit closed. I donnu why but the first thing came to my mind was feminine issues are crying out, maybe need for love which I do not acknowledge. Well love is all around us, we only need to recognize it, so I need to recognize! I really liked the way Godfrey explained how intimacy is in the nature; for example, the oxygen which penetrates to our cells all day long, how intimate that is…

What else… yes, travel plans already! I know I am an ambitious one when it comes to making travel plans for my studying… I guess we, ashtangis, are all a bit like that. I was thinking what if I go to India directly after the Colorado trip. Can I get an Indian Visa when I am there? I looked up, it seems like I can apply through mail in the States. Therefore, during the training, I can just send my passport and get it back until the training ends… and then fly to India straight from the States instead of getting back to Turkey and then flying to India. This also might mean that I can rent my apartment for a straight out period beginning from the time I leave for Colorado. Is this good thinking or too ambitious? I think it can be considered.

Lets not forget New Moon wishes!
Happy resting and happy practices tomorrow!

Want to write...

Yes, yes I want to write… I want write but I hate to be complaining or kind of wining when I am writing. Ohh god but now there is this Elvis song playing in the radio and even complaining seems fun, I think the songs name is Viva Las Vegas… such fun song... I should get up and dance, wait a second, I am … ohh well the song ended as soon as I got up but I danced to the next one. The best cure for my achy shoulders is dancing meditation.. so then Kundalani meditation should be what I do but these days I am a bit tired so I do more sitting ones… Last nite, I went to David’s pranayama and meditation class for the second. I really like them. We do simple pranayama in the first half, counted ujjayyi and nadi shodhana, and then we sit for the last part of the class. Yes, I like it, and I like living so close to the shala so now I can go whenever and attend some classes ☺ Also Godfrey Devereux just began his workshops, he will be here for about a week. I will attend the one which is tomorrow afternoon! Lets see how I like him. He is the primary teacher of Zeynep and David.

Okay, what is the problem? Yes, I can still not do bakasana B and jump into handstand with two feet. Well achy shoulders are the result of my attempts, ohh also I woke up with my left wrist really achy this morning, I should be careful… But these are not issues anymore, at all… it is something else, I have been writing about it but I am not sure if I should post it… so I keep it to myself.

Full moon day, some good news, some vrittis...

Couple of my friends got authorization from Sharat! I had to mention this before I dwell on other things. I am utterly happy and excited for them. Super exciting!!!

Well what else… uhummm, I find myself panicking again this morning about Bakasana B (!?) as I write these lines I realize how weird it sounds to panic about this… It is full moon today so no practice; on the other hand, I am so anxious to try Bakasana B as I read tips&advices and watch videos on the internet. I am resisting the urge because I believe my wrists need the rest; they have been kind of achy from trying to jump into B.B. zillions of times everyday. As I panic, I also realize that there is no need to panic, this is part of my work now, trying to learn jumping into this asana, making use of everything I have learned during these past 5 months and teaching it to myself.

Good luck to me and let me have serene mind and heart as I work on it!
Let me be fearless, let me be compassionate, let me be tranquil, let me be as light as a feather, let me be innocent as a child…

Happy full moon to all!

Strength within and within...

Back to the real life… I began teaching last Sunday with a led class. My friend’s teacher trainees are coming to my classes and they are lovely. They are very eager to learn, to practice… They really immerse themselves. I am really enjoying teaching them and I really enjoy the full room. Also, living close to the shala is so convenient. I wake up just before 4 o’clock; I go to the shala to do my own practice before they start dropping in one by one around 7 AM. My practice is too long, so I do my finishing postures after I finish teaching, which is not so illogical, kind of logical. Still, I had to cut it a bit shorter for the last few days, I skipped last few postures of the primary, so I could go on and work on the problematic second series postures of mine, especially the famous Bakasana B! By the way, since I came back, handstands are not frustrating and scary, I can at least again kick with one foot up the wall which became impossible when I was in Goa (all mind issues). Moreover, now I found this new thing: from handstands I bend the knees and begin drawing my knees to my chest, trying to balance, kind of coming to Bakasana B, trying to get the feeling… not bad ha! Starting to get innovative, I guess I can say that I am doing some work.
Besides Mysore classes, I also teach beginners and intermediate led ashtanga classes 3 times a week. Those are nice to have as well, especially beginner’s class, so I can introduce new students to Mysore classes through it…

But of course I have some issues… the one I have to deal with now is making myself clear, believing in myself, in my own opinions, not constantly compromising, and having integrity towards myself... It is obvious, very obvious that I let myself led by others way too much, more than I am actually comfortable with. It is again the strength issue like the one I have with my handstands, Bakasana B. I have to learn to say no. This has been an issue since last year and actually the year before. It is not with everyone of course, it is with certain characters… first it was my sister, still she is some of the times too much, then now with another friend. It is for sure with people I really love, I care about; therefore, it is much more difficult to be definite with what I want. Well, I can also be strong and controlling. It seems like I swing between the two ends of pendulum. Ohh life let me grow and shine with strength, truth, honesty and big heart.

Back Home

It has been over a week since I came back home. I and my sister came with the same plane. We met at the Mumbai airport. Of course I got to Mumbai much earlier than my sister who was coming from Pune with a taxi. I came with the latest plane form Goa which was at 7PM. Therefore, I was in Mumbai at 8PM. Unfortunately, I decided to go to the international section of the airport right away after lending, and I was almost going to end up in the street. Due to security reasons they were not letting people in before 3 hours prior to the flights and my flight was at 5 am next morning!!! But I looked at the security guy with big eyes and told him that I came with the latest plane form Goa for my flight which is next morning at 5AM, and so he let me in. Of course I had to wait a long while until check in. So, under a roof at least, I put my bags on a trolley and sat at front corner of the trolley and waited until 2 AM. After check in, I realized that Mumbai airport has been renovated, not yet totally finished but much nicer. Then my sister joined me around 3 AM. It was lovely to see her after 5 months. We both talked a lot about our separate adventures… And the Turkish airlines plane was new this time, for the first time in 3 years! They usually give the oldest planes that are falling a part (at least inside) and stinky… But this one very new with individual screens for each seat, etc….

So, just like that a week past by. It is cold here in Istanbul. It was snowing this morning.. Was really cold yesterday.. And I am trying to move into my new house! It is all very exciting. Practice is fine. I have been practicing in my sisters living room at 5:30-6AM with her cats watching me… Bakasana B still sucks. I try to jump up to hand stands with two feet together, but with much joyfully and going up with one feet kicking began to be easy again just like before…I think with my attitude easing, things getting easier and some day I will do whatever I am working on, no worries.

Regarding teaching, I will begin this Sunday, March 1st, at Cihangir Yoga. Hopefully, Mysore program will blossom! Well, immm, there is also a very exciting news about a Teacher Training I applied for. I got the news today, I got accepted to this amazing ashtanga teachers’ 1 month long Teachers Intensive. I am so excited. I am so blessed, - a note for myself: never forget that Maya!

I hope to stay calm, positive, and full power (as Rolf told me when he was saying goodbye to me)!!!

Reflections almost

The time I spent here with Rolf and Marci has been very good for me. When I first came from Mysore, I was in a different state of mind, more scattered, easily distracted… During these last three months, I became more, much more concentrated and insightful. I went through despair to laughing about the challenge I have in my practice, which has been the most valuable lesson. At this point, I enjoy the fact that I cannot jump up to hand stand, jump to Bakasana B… yes it is fun, I cannot do it, so lets work on it and be joyous about it, play with it, not get frustrated with it and it is getting better with this attitude. So, working hard with a light attitude that I have learned… I am also learning to see the good things about my practice, not only the “what I cannot do” but also so many that I Can do… It is a challenge not to loose perspective in this practice but having a good teacher at these moments makes a difference… Their easiness about our challenges, reminding us the patience and lightness that is required to accomplish and move forward…

Now, I am in my room spending one of the last three nights that are left in Goa. There are tears in my eyes… I cannot help. Ohh me so foolish thinking when I saw those who left before me crying “such drama... I will stay away from tears when leaving…” and I am already in tears here in my little room. Well, why three days early you would ask… because Rolf is leaving tomorrow afternoon for Singapore to do a workshop, he will not be here during my last two days… so already it is time to say goodbye to him. Yes, he is a person just like Osho describes, very innocent, child like… very simple person, very straightforward, very open heart, very gentle heart…. He is the best teacher in the world, and when I say that I do not mean that he is just the best asana teacher, I mean that he is the best teacher from whom you see how to be in this world. Is there any more valuable lesson one can have?

I am thankful to the universe for having this opportunity to be here with my teacher. I hope that one day I can be such a being as well who has light and love for herself and therefore, can bring light and love to other people… And I want to thank both Rolf and Marci for teaching us, for sharing their knowledge with us and bringing such a nice group of people together. I find the practice in Goa with Rolf and Marci priceless… thanks a lot!

Dreams, thoughts of going home, friends...

Less than a month left for home… I guess… I am not sure. As the time for going home gets closer, all these things that I have not think about, but things that make me anxious, began to pop up in my mind again… These are mostly things concerning teaching, etc… I want to teach if there is demand for my teaching, for ashtanga Vinyasa yoga; otherwise, I do not claim anything. I want to teach in exchange for something and I want to teach to people who want to learn ashtanga yoga, so to people who can commit at least 3 mornings a week. I am manifesting my desire and I guess the rest is up to the universe.

What else? Ihimmm It is still nice here. Irena and Marco got married last Friday in a Hindi temple. It was lovely! Also Arne, Mau and Barbara came all the way for the wedding! I kept saying “if I ever get married, I want it to be like this with a nice ceremony, with great friends and Rolf and Marci, just like a family”. My camera broke but I got photos from all these people who were taking photos. Towards the end of the ceremony, I realized how much my life changed, how magical this is all. 3-4 years back, I could not imagine being in India, being with all these people who entered my life recently and became like family, sharing these precious moments… Some getting married, others getting engaged, another getting pregnant (!) … Life works in wondrous ways. Ahh, so now I realize how insignificant all those things that occupies my mind and causes me to loose sleep ☺

Tomorrow we are back to 6 AM practice from 5AM! I am still working on jumping and trying to keep a light attitude. It will happen some time. Ohh and there will be pranayama class on Saturday! At last I will learn, I have been waiting for a Pranayama class since last year, they were happing always when I was away, I guess it is time for me to learn now!

I had also been having Yoga-Rolf dreams over the weekend; one on Friday night, one on Saturday morning. In the first one, at the end of my practice he was telling me to do pranayama. He told me to do the first 3 and then he was explaining the first one which I cannot really remember now. In the second dream, he was helping me with Kapotasana and he had me put my knees very close to one another, almost together and then he was telling me to lift more from the upper back and also from lower back… I am waiting for Basakana B dream, maybe I can learn in my dream ☺

Candolim, practice...

I moved to Candolim on Saturday. Now I have my own little room with its kitchen, all I need is in this little studio apartment! It is by the beach, 2 min to the shala and 5 min to the beach. I have a old French couple as neighbors until the 12th of this month. They say they have been coming to this place for many years but maybe next time it is time to go somewhere else since Goa got so populated with tourists, the roads and the beaches are full, the pollution has been increasing, not the same simple Goa… For me, it was such a difference Monday morning to go to the practice without making the cold drive. My body was warm, I did not even need socks whereas before every morning after the drive I would be rubbing my body to warm up and it would take an effort to get off my socks and my pullover…. Therefore, I am quite happy with my move. I can also be at the beach for the sunsets…

What else, oohhh Seyfi from London came! I was so happy when I saw him yesterday morning! We used to practice together at the Yoga Place in London; we became friends through the practice… Yes, he was one of those very nice people I used to practice with. Well, I am lucky to meet him again. Yoga Place has a really nice Mysore group. It had when I was there and I guess it is still does because I met Nigel, who also practices in YP, here, not when I was in London (he was not coming to practice when I was there) and he turned out to be a great person as well… So I keep missing YP, and of course it has a special meaning for me, it is the place where I got deep into Ashtanga, it is the place where I felt that yoga is the thing that I enjoy the most in my life, it is place where I decided to change my plans, leave everything behind and pick up and come to India...

So, a new week begin, this is my last month… I might add one more week to practice here or I might go to Pune for my last week in India… I was thinking no Pune this year but I guess I am missing the ashram, I missing the meditations, the gardens, the Buddha grove… I will see what I decide. You never know in India, plans change very quickly, unexpectedly. On the other hand, I am working on my practice and even harder than before, I added double chaturangas to my sun salutations, which Rolf has been suggesting since last April to get me stronger and now I do them finally. Still I am stuck where I am, at the same point Bakasana B, and I have to realize (knowing is not enough ☺) that it is okey; I am doing my work: double chaturangas and also working on jumping into handstands with Marci, so the rest will happen when it is time! I came so far in such a short time and I can be stuck, there is no goal, there is nothing to be achieved, only freedom, lets not make one more obsession… just work on it and then leave it, just have fun and then move into the daily life, just look at it as a blessing which is giving me the right perspective about the practice and myself and others.

What is going in Goa...

In Goa, I seem to neglect writing much more than usual… all the distractions such as beach, good food, meeting with friends…

So, where were we? Ohh I am still and yes, still working on Bakasana B. Now I accept the fact that I am stuck and it is all right. With handstands, I am taking a break, although, today Rolf asked me “Maya, are you finished? No handstands? Tired? I am also tired today…” Actually, yes, I was tired this morning more than usual and I am still tired… I donnu if it is waking up so early to began practice at 5AM or if it is that I am not taking care of myself properly... Last night, I went to bed at 8PM; still, this morning I was tired and dizzy… It is also a bit cold at 5AM, so it is taking time to warm up and stay warm. Also, my back is not feeling well, I have some pain, mainly on my left side. I will see the acupuncturist lady on Friday. I think she will be able to help.

Anyhow… I am fine with being stuck at Bakasana B, but that does not mean I am giving up. I will get it at some point. I know it is mostly fear… need to work it through and will… it might take some time, which is okey. It is like backdrops; I was so scared when I first began practicing them couple of years ago that I would go almost all the way down but just before dropping I would come up… but now I do them all right…

What else… The Ayurveda course with Gangotri… It is going very well. She is a very good teacher, a great source of information. We are enjoying it a lot. She just finished talking about Vata yesterday. I guess I am Vata dominant. Lets see what the others are like, then, I think I will have a better idea. She will also talk about life style we should follow. She has already been giving good tips such as need for waking up before sunrise because with the sunrise our manupura chakra begins working, and it starts turning the toxins in our body; therefore, we need to get up before sunrise and clean our body…

Friends...

Today two of my great friends from last year arrived, Irena and Marco. I was so lightened up when I saw them during practice early morning. After practice, we met at German Bakery. It was great to reconnect… To tell the truth, I realized how much I miss people from last December… After Nigel left, I felt a bit lonely, a bit disconnected… But now that Irena and Marco came, I felt lively again and then I realized that the connection between the people I met last December is going a long way… Yes, I was lucky to meet all these friends, very lucky.

We decided to do a drop-in to Ganga’s Pranamaya & Patanjali’s Yoga Sutra’s class. It was actually very good. I really enjoy listening to Ganga, he is a very natural teacher, speaker… I kind of begin thinking about going to their ashram up at North. Now I will take his sister’s Ayurveda course, which will begin in few days. I think I will benefit a lot from her course for my health…

Got a complain?

I need someone who can also listen to me bitching and moaning about stuff… and then just cheer me up with the silliness of my trivial misery. That would be a friend but I mean a real friend. I am now having tough time with my practice because I am stuck with where I am… it has been a year and I am stuck and I am impatient, and yes you can call me a bitch, you can think I am no fun… I am probably all of that… but this is how I feel, and this is what I go through… I am not hiding it, I am living it and I am trying to deal with it… but it is pretty out there, sometimes on my face, sometimes in my words.

You might wonder why so much thinking about the practice? Well, it is the mind… I was listening Osho this morning and he was explaining how we destroy things for ourselves… he was particularly talking about meditation. To paraphrase him: “In the beginning there are sudden glimpses but once you know certain experiences, these glimpses of meditation disappear… for the first time, it happened because you were not expecting; for the first time you had the glimpses, you were innocent, child like. But after the first time, the mind begins calculating searching for the same experience… the mind is bringing misery and if you insist that you must have the same experience again, you will loose it forever, unless you forget it completely that somewhere in the past it happened. For the possibility to open, you need to forget. This is madness, you destroy everything, what comes to your hands you destroy. Life gives you many gifts… life does not give you anything less… but you destroy it… if meditation happens to you, just be grateful, and forget it. It has been a gift, you do not have the capacity to have it, it has been a gift, an overflowing of the divine. Don’t expect it, don’t demand, it will come next day again, it will grow, it will get deeper, it will be infinite. But your mind has to be dropped, your mind is madness…”

Well, it is similar with the practice also. In the beginning, I had no expectations, I was just doing for the joy of it… some postures would seem crazy, I would say "no way I can do this!" and laugh about it, but I would try for that day and then the coming and so on and then few weeks later I would see them coming, happening and I would be so surprised, happily surprised. However, now I am expecting myself to achieve this and that and move forward… I want the beginners mind back! I want to forget those crazy poses I cannot do now has to be achieved… Now, I know they can be achieved, I keep putting pressure on myself and then getting disappointed… the misery creating mind, got a drop it!

Practice, Ink and all

My fourth week ended… Today is a full moon day so no practice. Nigel is leaving this morning. Last night we all, yes we all, including Rolf and Marci, went to Bean me Up to have good food! What else, ohh by the way just before the dinner, I got inked!!! ☺ Yeah something I thought I would never do in India… but I met this couple, and had a very good feeling from them… so I got my last tattoo. It is again with flowers, cherry blossoms… My housemate Kate came with me, which was very nice, it is always good to have a friend with you when you are getting inked… Now, it has to heal quickly, very quickly until Monday (little ambitious there ☺) NO beach for a while. If I had my camera working I would take a photo of my new ink for your eyse but my camera has not been working since I got to Goa…

On the other hand, practice this week was fine, but handstands are still giving me grief and Bakasana B is still not there… But still, Rolf told me that next Monday I can continue up till where I was last April, which is Eka Pada Sirsana . When he told me that I said “ But Bakasana B is still not coming”, he replied “Bakasana A is much better, you have been working hard, and we will continue work on Bakasana B.”

With the housing situation… I found a place in Candolim, which is 3 min. to the shala, 5 min. to the beach, starting from January 3rd. It is kind of perfect wince I could not just walk out from the house that I am living in, it will be nice to find someone to take my room before I move… by the way, I am enjoying my roommates a lot as time passes but still I will love to be by the beach and not driving before practice and when my sister comes to visit I will already have the kind of place I wanted to get for us when she comes to visit me.

By the way, my housemate Kate also designs yoga clothes and the other night we had her show the stock she has with her and I went a bit crazy and bought 4 tops from her! I have been eying the tops she wears for practice, I really liked them. So now I have too many yoga tops, and I have no regrets since they are made from nice material and very original designs!!!

Today, I am planning to spent most of the day at home to not get dust and dirt to my tattoo… But tonight there is a concert at Purple Valley and most of us will go for it. Next Monday, Ganga’s course will begin, still I am not sure about taking or not taking it…

Vrittis

It has been already 3 weeks since I came to Goa. Practice with Rolf and Marci is intense, very good… I feel like there is so much more to do, to learn… and I am lucky to be here…
I am staying in Arpora with 3 other yoga students… It is a nice house but as the winter comes, the ride to practice in the mornings are freezing us. And of course, also the shala is a bit chilly because it is open air rooftop. This morning I did many many sun salutations to warm up after the freezing drive. And then, by the end of the practice, I kept beating myself up because I feel like I am not making progress, still cannot jump into bakasana b and then hand stands are a disaster… I was pretty upset with myself this morning but this is not the way to go, is it? I do what I can do and then I have to let go… let go ... let go… I think the most important lesson for me to learn is letting go… Actually, the practice was good, why I cannot see this and be content… the mind keeps comparing and that is one of the most dangerous poisons… I see it clearly…
And then I am thinking, desiring to move to Candolim where the shala is. I want to be by the beach and be able to walk to the shala instead of driving… I hope to find a peaceful solution and this occupies my mind a lot these days. Wish me good luck.

Earlier written Goa entiries

I did not have any internet access through my computer for a while... so I am posting the entries I have written earlier just now!

November 25 2008

Sunday, some of us went to Brahmani yoga for self-practice since R&M do not teach on Sundays. It was very nice, the teacher who was teaching had good adjustments and also, Ken the Rolfer began helping her after he finished his own practice and of course he has very good adjustments! After the practice we all went to German bakery. It was great; I was craving to eat there for a week. I love the food there. Afterwards some of us went to Shore Bar (the posh beach shack). I went into the ocean for a long while. Then head home, because I was expecting my friend Dagmar to arrive from the Shvananda ashram in Kerala. As soon as Dagmar arrived I arranged a scooter for her; that is a must especially since we are in Arpora, 15 min. drive to the shala, and one needs a scooter to get around Goa anyways. So, we went to Vagator to pick up the scooter and then stopped by the Juice Bar.
Monday, practice was good and I began working on handstands again, that is not so good, well what I mean is that it is not going so well. I just lost my handstands at some point while in Istanbul, and now they feel impossible. I used to be able to go up by kicking one leg and even with both sides right and left but then they are all gone now. I was struggling to go up with two feet together and now I am struggling to go up with one leg kicking up… so I am steps backwards somehow. I do not know what is the reason for this but will work on it as long as I need to…



November 21 2008
It has been a week since I got to Goa. My train journey was longggg… I am glad I made it but I would not do it again, I think… at least, not the Bangalore-Hubli- Vasco Da Gama route… that was too long and a hassle to shlap my stuff around from bus to train to another train to a bus again and to another bus and to taxi…. I guess it is a bit difficult to do a train journey when you are alone and have bit mush stuff with you. Do not misunderstand, this time I am traveling much lighter but I have got my computer… and that is a big responsibility and also a bit of weight to carry on my back… Well, I made it all right. The ride from Mysore to Bangalore was good since I was with Elena who did not stop talking for the rest of the journey and of course, I did not stop talking either ☺ Yes that was pretty easy and fun ride in a tin can. And when we got to Bangalore for 83 rupees each, Elena put me on this van for 6 rupees, which got me close to the train station. Well, I had to shlap my stuff for a while on the road then up and down the stairs… hardly made it to train on time… that was not much fun. I hardly found where the train was. There was a info boot and when I asked the lady she snapped me for being far from her (could not hear me) and then she wrote on my paper ticket some numbers which I thought were the platform numbers… As I tried to find that platform the newsstand guy said “to Hubli, you got go to platform 8, this number is train number” and luckily I believed him and found the train and on the way, I also realized that train number was some other number written on the ticket and those numbers she wrote were seat numbers which did not matter because you just sit on a seat you find… so, thanks to the newsstand guy, I found my way. The train arrived and everyone rushed to the train as people tried to get out of it. I made my way while being pushed around by Indian women… did not see any Westerners really. While I was moving along the train to find a seat and pulling my duffle back, the man behind me began yelling at me, he was frustrated about my bag. I said what can I do I move as the people in front of me move, he yelled more and I yelled back that I cannot fly the bag over my head…. Then, magically, I saw a seat, there was an older lady and a younger man, and the younger man told me that I can sit. So, as I tried to settle down, the man who was yelling at me come over to the same seat area. I mumbled in Turkish if he could not find any other seat but apparently the younger man who told me I can sit with them was his son. And in a minute both of us mellowed down as if it was not us who were yelling at each other a minute ago. He translated his wife’s question to me and on…. Then a young couple also joined us… The view from the train while there was day light was very green…. Half way through, the son, the wife and the man got of and I felt sorry that they left (figure that out, it only happens in India… ). The young couple was shy but later on, the young man talked to me a little bit, he told me that the young woman is his brother’s wife, they are from Bangalore going somewhere which is before Hubli… Again I felt bad because it was getting dark and the train was getting deserted with less and less women and I did not want to loose my companions. So, they also got off at some point. I was getting sleepy, there were only men around me. One man sat across from me, he was okay, just glued to his cell phone. For almost two hours, he kept dialing numbers and talked on his cell phone about the same issue, I just got that he was concerned about some fax number. It looked a bit overwhelming. It was either a very important matter or he just could not sit without doing nothing.
When we arrived to Hubli it was 10PM. I got off the train, there were only passengers around… but I was determined to find a person who works there and I did. I asked about the sleeper train to Goa. He checked my ticket and told me to stay with him and then he put me to my vagon. That was very very nice of him, otherwise; I was a bit clueless… The sleeper train was okey. Ther were couple of Westerners this time. They gave us a sheet, a blanket and a pillow. I just got the sheet to put under me.
When we arrived to Vasco Da Gama, it was very early morning. I wanted to get the bus to Panaji. There were taxi drivers trying to trick me to take a taxi, telling me bus stand is far away… But I just got grumpy with them and walked straight ahead… After all this way, I was not going to give up here, I was determined to take the bus… and the busses were not so far. It was a nice ride, it was bright morning, and I could feel the difference of Goa air, and Goans already. The bus journey from Vasco Da Gama to Panaji was 16-17 rupees. The ride was surprisingly not long at all. Then I decided that I can make it to Mapsa with the bus again, I could not give up there… So, I got another bus to Mapsa which was 8 rupees but I could not get my change for 10 rupees but would not complain… We were in Mapsa at no time. When I arrived to Mapsa it was time for a taxi. One man offered me to take me with motorbike, I was almost gonna run after him since I was so tired and what was he thinking? Me, my heavy backpack and duffle back behind him on a motor bike? Then I saw a taxi driver I said to Arpora and asked how much, he said 400 rupees I said I am no tourist, I will pay 150 rupees. Of course he refused but another one jumped front and took me to Arpora for 150 rupees!
I arrived to Queenie’s place. The house Alex got for us for this season is a very nice 3 bedroom house right next to Queenie’s house. The living room is big and there is a very nice kitchen. Bedrooms are upstairs, two of them open to a huge balcony… not mine. However, we are a bit far from the shala. It is about 15 minute ride. In the beginning I freaked a bit because of the drive but now I seemed to be getting used to driving. There are also nice places in Candolim, and I guess next time, I will stay over there by the beach. Candolim is very nice, peaceful. The beach is clean and quiet. The new shala is very nice. We are at the roof top, we began when it is dark and while were still doing the standing postures, the daylight takes over. Both Rolf and Marci are in very good mood. I am blessed!




November 14 2008
This morning was the last class in the shala this year… Yesterday was full moon so there was no practice but we carried on with the acroyoga-thai/Mysore massage course (I don’t know what to call it anymore ☺ ). It was a good class, we did the partner yoga sequence we learned but Donna and I were not much into flying so we did not do any of that and then it was the massage part. Fort the massage, we used the feet mainly. Yesterday, it was my turn to give a massage and since we did not have any practice in the morning, I had energy so it was nice to be giving massage. It was also Wayne’s birthday, and at the end, we had ragi ball feast, which are apparently Wayne’s favorite food! Ragi balls are made from finger millet (ragi is finger millet), they are brown dumplings and not so small in size and they are mushy in texture, which I really liked. As we are told, some people feel like they will choke while eating them because of this mushy texture but for me, it was baby/comfort food. They are served with garlicky tomato sauce and coconut chutney; otherwise, by themselves, they are very plain. Nutritional wise, they are high in protein and low in fat. Wayne told us that Guruji used to tell them ragi balls make you strong. Ohh also they are special to state of Karnataka… Well, I discovered them at the last minute, but the next time I am here, I will be eating a lot of them ☺!

This morning, I woke up before 3AM. The anxiety of traveling woke me up. TH practice was nice. Sharat was a bit more