The body

This week boiled down to some illuminating perspective… The week began with my big toe nail which start chipping in the middle and then start digging in my toe, making it bleed and ache… I tried to trim it and all that, and so I made it until today with the practice; however, today, it was just hurting too much through out the sun salutes and vinyasas… On the other hand, I was also not planning to do a whole practice since I had to run to the doctor to have a small operation; therefore, it was fine to cut my practice short… Then, I went to the doctor, he had to freeze this chronic wound in the opening of my uterus, so it would not lead to something else in the future. God, that was pretty painful. I thought I had high tolerance of pain but this was a different kind of pain, not what I was expecting. The pain just diffuse from the area he was working at, to my legs and my knees became jelly like, and inside me, it was burning… Well, it is done and now there is this ache, which I know will be much much less tomorrow… After I came home, I began thinking about practice and how it would be if I kept aching inside tomorrow, and wishing the big toe getting healed soon and if not, then damn luck since just a little bit more than a week left to Mysore, bla bla bla… Then, I suddenly remembered my friend Lorraine with whom I met in Goa this last April. At the time, she had a broken foot and she began coming to practice with all of us! She modified her practice for her broken foot but did not stop practicing! She was an inspiration, also a proof of devotion, and encouraging for times of injury… And here I am worrying about my broken nail! Pointless, rite? Afterwards, I was looking at my mails and then saw this email form Yoga mates, they had an interview with Matthew Sanford. I did not know him but I just went ahead and watched the interview. This Iyengar teacher is paralyzed from chest down since he was 13 years old. In this interview, he was talking about body mind connection, how principals of yoga do not discriminate between bodies; moreover, he was also talking about the inner body (or energy body) and moving beyond the physical poses… His talk really moved my heart and reminded me that there is nothing to worry about… Yes, I sometimes get ambitious.. I began worrying about not moving forward with my practice because of not having a teacher at home; I worry about the days my energy is down and the practice feels sluggish; I worry about the hurting big toe with a broken nail; I worry about this and that… But for me today it was “Hey you! These are all superficial aspects of the practice! Wake up Please!”

Two weeks to...

Yes, I am hungry…. Uhmm what more? Yes, yes, yes less than 2 weeks left to India!!! Mysore and then to Goa for R&M… very exciting! So I am already starting to feel lighter! A friend from the shala also will be coming to Goa with his girlfriend to study with us!!! It is great that I am starting to pull people towards to sources!!! Also, my house situation here is making a dramatic turn… and, and, and I will most likely, if everything goes fine, live in an area that is very close to the shala and where I can walk around etc… crossing the fingers a bit longer until things finalize hopefully!!!
Okey trying to stay calm… there is till time and things to do!

What else. Last weekend, I attended the first bit of the “vinyasa” training that has just begun in the shala. Nicol is teaching it. She is great… I enjoyed the two days I spent with her very much. It is good to do something different for a change once in a while, and also having a little idea of what all this “viyasa” is about is a plus. I am not interested teaching in this way… but I might once in a while join Nicol’s classes after this weekend. One sees how things can be challenging when doing something out of one’s regular practice…. Like warior III, it is called Dighasana – A in ashtanga and I hardly practiced that asana since it is in the 3rd series! I mean obviously it is not in my own practice and once in a blue moon, when I attended another class… Therefore, trying a different style can be a good humbling exercise also...
Well I got a eat, starving!

Here comes 31!

So I turned 31 yesterday… it was a pretty dramatic day just because of the way I felt… I was sad because I was far away, well I am always far away from the people I connect with, from the people who are close to me. Yes, I have a problem of being disconnected from people in this city and having friends who are spread around all over the world… since I went away for college 13 years ago… (wow it has been 13 years!) Therefore, yesterday I felt really down in midday. I realized that there is something not working in my life. I am not able to be present in, able to settle down in, able to except the place I am from. What to do? I really have no clue anymore. Because I am trying hard to do something, I am working on what I love the most in my life here, hoping that something will come out of it which will make me enjoy this place but not really happening. I keep finding myself missing all these other countries I have lived in and I keep finding myself feeling stuck and hopeless here… Is it my attitude, or is it the impossibility of what I am trying to do or what? Now I feel like I am writing to one of those advice columns on newspapers!

Sorry for being such a downer… Well, my sister was great yesterday, she did everything to cheer me up and at the end she succeeded. We had good time going out, having a meal and all that. So, now I am 31… a pretty grown up age it looks to me. And in this new age, I wish to find peace within myself, I wish to be connected better, ohh I wish many things… and today is a new moon so the very right time to write down wishes, so I will do that… thinking carefully, writing my wishes.

Meditation for the day!

Today I draw a card from Osho transformation tarot cards and here what I have got to meditate on!

"WISHFUL THINKING

The parable of the wish-fulfilling tree

The thinker is creative with his thoughts--this is one of the most fundamental truths to be understood. All that you experience is your creation. First you create it, then you experience it, and then you are caught in the experience--because you don't know that the source of all exists in you.

Once a man was traveling, accidentally he entered paradise. In the Indian concept of paradise there are wish-fulfilling trees, kalpatarus. You just sit underneath them, desire anything, and immediately it is fulfilled--there is no gap between the desire and its fulfillment. You think, and immediately it becomes a thing; the thought realizes automatically.

These kalpatarus are nothing but symbolic for the mind. Mind is creative, creative with its thoughts.

The man was tired, so he fell asleep under a wish-fulfilling tree. When he woke up he was feeling very hungry, so he said, "I wish I could get some food from somewhere." And immediately food appeared out of nowhere--just floating in the air, delicious food. He immediately started eating, and when he was feeling very satisfied, another thought arose in him: "If only I could get something to drink..." And there is no prohibition in paradise so immediately, precious wine appeared.

Drinking the wine, relaxed in the cool breeze of paradise under the shade of the tree, he started wondering, "What is happening? Have I fallen into a dream, or are some ghosts around and playing tricks with me?" And ghosts appeared! They were ferocious, horrible, nauseating. He started trembling, and a thought arose in him: "Now I am sure to be killed. These people are going to kill me." And he was killed.

This parable is an ancient parable, of immense significance. Your mind is the wish-fulfilling tree--whatsoever you think, sooner or later it is fulfilled. Sometimes the gap is such that you have completely forgotten that you had desired it in the first place--sometimes the gap is of years, or sometimes of lives, so you can't connect the source. But if you watch deeply you will find all your thoughts are creating you and your life. They create your hell, they create your heaven. They create your misery, they create your joy. They create the negative, they create the positive. Everybody is a magician, spinning and weaving a magic world around himself, and then he is caught--the spider itself is caught in its own web.

Once this is understood, things start changing. Then you can play around; then you can change your hell into heaven--it is just a question of painting it from a different vision. Or if you are so much in love with misery you can create as much as you want, to your heart's content. But then you are never complaining, because you know that it is your creation, it is your painting, you cannot make anybody feel responsible for it.

Then the whole responsibility is yours. Then a new possibility arises: you can drop creating the world, you can stop creating it. There is no need to create heaven and hell, there is no need to create at all. The creator can relax, retire. That retirement of the mind is meditation."

This week...

Some notes on this week…
Impatience regarding going to India has been growing. The first couple of days of the week I was just unhappy about… being in Istanbul, practicing all alone for the last 4 months; everyone being on vacation including my few students, so the number of students coming to very low number; not being in Mysore with the rest of my friends and practicing with them; again being in Istanbul… so it was just like this, on and on…
Then, Tuesday, a student of mine came to class late, everyone else was done with their practice and the last entrance time was passed, so I was also already doing my sun salutations when she arrived. Therefore, we practiced side by side, and this meant that me practicing with someone else for the first time since I got back from India! It was very nice, very nice gift for me!
However, Wednesday morning, I was still not happy (uhh) still the resentment about all those things… then, when it was time for me to practice, during the invocation, I decided to dedicate my practice to my unhappy state. I thought that maybe something good can come out of it. And just like that, practice became very good and for the very first time, I felt the power of back bending asanas of second series. It was all talk for me when I heard second series is heart opening, etc… I do those specific asanas ( Salabasana, Bhekasana, Dhanurasana, Parsva Dhanurasana, Ustrasana, Laghu Vajraasana, Kapotasana…) fine but I never felt my heart opening or something… but this time, I felt this happiness rising in my chest as I did them, it was surprising, it was nice… and when the practice was over, after my shower was over, after my dressing up was over, after I head out of the shala, I realized how lucky I am to be doing what I love the most. I am practicing and I am teaching this practice, how on earth I forgot this fact! Well, of course I am also drained, tired; tired physically and tired of students who do not really get the concept of daily practice, so I need a break, and I need to be recharged for sure. But still, it is good, it will be good and I do not need to worry about things much. Also, my sister is back from her vacation (see everyone is vacating!), this means we can continue with our chess learning phase…

The Black Cat Incident!

Okay, things got really funny here last night around 1AM. I live in a room in my sister’s house. She has an apartment with a garden and my room is downstairs, well was downstairs- ground level with a little window looking to the garden. I liked this room, it was big enough, private enough… and I made a little corner for myself with photos of my respected masters, and enough space for me to do my practice… But then two weeks ago, while I was practicing I saw this black street cat hanging on the wire mosquito net on my window and then turning around and pissing towards my window! Yaks! So this was the reason for time to time cat piss smell I was having! Not any of my sisters three cats! Well, me being a Virgo, I got really irritated by this. So I stopped opening my window (even though it is August in Istanbul!) I cleaned everything in my little altar to be and we cleaned the window and my sister put vinegar on the window so it would repel the black cat… But I kept smelling the sour piss smell although I kept my window shut and burned incense and sprayed Aurosoma room sprays…

Last night, in the middle of my sleep, I was awaken with a noise, and I saw a black shadow hanging on my window, pulling the wire nets and then the shadow leaving with a nice piss smell behind! Uhh, first I though I could sleep over this, do whatever cleaning up I need to do next day, but I could not sleep. After an hour, I gave up and got up. I looked up by the window to see the marks he left behind and while I was trying to close the blinders furiously, the plastic stick to close them came off … So, I went outside of my room to see if there was a chair I can take in to step on it and fix the blinders. I found a high stool, I brought it in and then I stepped on this high but light stool which did not stay under my feet for long and slid away with me falling off and bringing the big mirror leaning to the wall down as well… First thing I looked was to see if the mirror was okey since it is bad luck to broke a mirror, and then I looked to see if I broke something in my body… We were bought okey with me having a large scratch on my right ribs. But at this point, I was really upset… tears started roll down my cheeks and so, I decided it is time to sit on my mat for a while and then breath for a bit and then go on with my practice… I was still angry but I decided to channel this energy towards my practice. I knew I would be strong unlike my weakness of the past few days because I found out this winter while I was working in Pune at the Osho Commune, that I get angry and that this anger has lots of energy, and it is okay to be angry and it can even give birth to something beautiful if I can use it. Instead of trying to suppress it or pretend that it did not exists, I was recommended to acknowledge it and look at it… Well, I sat and I breathed and then I began my practice… It was around 2:45 A.M. I had energy and clearness of a well rested morning… I did my whole practice including the handstand practices by the wall and then lay on my mat for shavasana. It was a good practice and I wondered whether I should thank this black cat which has been making my room sting and waking me up in the middle of the morning… because it woke me up to do a practice that was solid. I realized that when I was worrying about getting weaker and all that, I was worrying for nothing…. It was my mind making me uneasy… I remembered the time I got poisoned in Pune just when I was suppose to begin working… and how that got me weak… but at that time, I minded this little; as soon as I was up, I began practicing without much worrying about whether I was moving forward or backward. When I went back to Goa to study with Rolf again, it all came back anyways… We are suppose to see that we are not this body, we are not this mind, we are something beyond all that, but this awareness does not come instantaneously or by hearing it. I do not know when I will get it and calm down for good… yet, as Cary used to say yoga is one step ahead two steps back… at the time, I took what she said for only asana practice but now I see it contains more.

I remember after I took 9 days of because of the new tattoo on my shoulder and got weaker with my practice, someone telling me that it was all right, no big deal because there is so much time ahead to practice. I always had that in mind but forgot it recently… and now I also see that there is so much time ahead to build the Mysore classes here… I still need to work on myself… if I try to keep going without paying attention to myself, it would lead to something not so enjoyable. For some, starting something and leaving it behind after few months is not clever but for me it is okey. This was the first trial, I began with very low expectation and it went fine. I think, after I come back, it will be fine again and maybe better. I do not feel guilty or doubtful about leaving next month because I see that if I do not, I will stop enjoying what I am doing. I am not strong enough and that is probably why people wait much longer than me to begin teaching Mysore style… but circumstances here led me to teaching Mysore style which is the best way to teach for me anyway. But I also have to be honest with myself and take care when I need caring…

After the practice last morning, I still had sometime to leave the house to go to the shala. Therefore, I turned on my computer to look for flights to India. I decided to leave a bit earlier than what I have decided before… instead of struggling here and loosing perspective, I go and work on my practice, regroup with my friends and have the opportunity to see few who would be gone by the time I arrive to Mysore.

Weakening...

I have gotten weaker during the last two weeks. It happened suddenly or maybe I just realized it suddenly after it became more evident. Therefore, last Tuesday, I decided not waking up at 3 A.M. to do my practice before teaching, but practicing after I teach the Mysore classes. Also, I decided to eat better… I thought waking up so early and slacking with my diet had caused me to get weaker. And how did I realize that I got weaker? Well, in Goa, Rolf wanted me to do handstands by the wall after backdrops and I kept that going on here as well… until last week when I suddenly could not go up. I was so frustrated because I was hoping to get further with this not backwards. The real thing he wanted me to do was going up into handstands with two feet together, so kicking up was the easy version to get stronger… which I could do fine until last week! I get upset of not being able to go up and then I got upset because I was getting upset over this… and on and on… here again, my issues of strength which is not only physical but also internal I guess… and then feeling like a jerk because I am being competitive (yes with myself!) … then I know, actually no handstands until one begins third series… so what is going on! I am loosing it and I feel uber tired because it is suddenly all too much, the Mysore classes, my own quiet long practice and the extra beginners classes that I am teaching for my friend…
On top of all, I do not feel guess what? so solid! You know what happened last week, during silent sitting before I began the beginners asana class, this one girl began telling me something about her friend who was late to class. Since it was silent sitting, I told her to be silent and that they will come after this part is over. There is a sign outside saying “if you are late to class, please wait until the meditation ends to enter in”. So, I assumed that they will read the sign and enter in few minutes when I begin the class. But see, this girl who was talking during silent sitting got mad at me and left the class… I had no intentions of patronizing or anything… I just wanted other students and this girl as well to be able turn in and stay in their own moments for few minutes but obviously I am not the one to decide that… I learned something new…
Uff wish me good luck. I am so yearning for Mysore and Goa… but you know what, I also really want be able to stay content wherever I am or if not, taking action to be in that some place where I will be content!!!! GOOD LUCK to me… I am selfishly envies of you all my friends who are in MYSORE!

Mysore Style

I remember that when I took the Introduction to Ashtanga yoga weekend workshop in London, the teacher encouraged everyone to try out the morning Mysore Style self-practice Ashtanga yoga classes. He emphasized that we should not be intimidated because there was no show off scene but a very appropriate way of learning, practicing ashtanga. At the time, I had no idea what was Mysore style at all. Before the teacher mentioned anything, every time I saw Mysore style in the class schedule, I thought that it was for people who were sore – my sore – that was what I understood. But after the workshop, it got to me and I wanted to try, still I put it off for a month because of all excuses i) it was tooo early for me to wake up, I was studying until late at night, ii) it was tooooo cold to wake up and get out of the bed to go out, etc… but what required was just me doing the leap, without considering any excuses, not slowly, slowly getting used to the idea… Finally, when the Christmas time arrived, the vacation began and there were no excuse of school, studying and all that; therefore, I went to my first Mysore class in mid December and there, that day, after my first Mysore style Ashtanga yoga class, I was mesmerized, I was in love… After that day, I went running to Mysore style classes at 6 in the morning everyday when there was a class. It became my priority for waking up. It became the way to begin a day and go on to whatever was next whether that was studying for classes, or studying for exams, or taking exams... there were no excuses anymore. It became the thing I enjoyed the most, which was for some people too sad! “Is that what you enjoy the most in your life?” they asked with a pitying voice… and I never minded… I enjoyed the silence, I enjoyed practicing with other people, I enjoyed the private attention of my teacher, I also enjoyed when my teacher ignored me, so I would work on what I needed to work on as there was no hurry, I enjoyed the moments I was no-mind and just moving, and I enjoyed the silent intimacy I shared with the people who put their mat next to my mat, or in front of my mat , or behind my mat, or people who were at the other corner of the room. I made friends with people who shared their practice every morning in that room. I got encouragement with a supportive look of a friend practicing next to me when I was fearful of letting myself drop back, I got little celebrating squeak from another friend when I let myself drop back eventually… and so on…
Well, now here I am teaching Mysore style Ashtanga Yoga because that is how I fell in love with yoga; that is how my life changed all over… I try to teach as I was taught, I try to help built a practice for oneself and I try to not forget the goodness of my teachers so I can maybe bring some of it into my classes. Sometimes, it gets challenging because I forget the required patience for building something new and get disappointed when students do not show up regularly, or/and they do get too eager to move forward with learning the primary series without digesting what is given already… when they forget to just enjoy what they do and get preoccupied with what is next. And honestly, not many of us are really, totally immune to all this, including myself. I remember getting frustrated with having no teacher in Istanbul and being stuck with where I was in my practice. But then I valued being stuck as much as moving forward… I guess most of the time life gives us what we need and yes sometimes this statement is damn cruel when things are really not good at all! But maybe I can convince you and myself that regarding our practice, we get what we need… On the other hand, sometimes I also see with clear eyes that it is happening, that there are people moving together in silence and I move around them, helping them, showing them, watching them… and I see they get it, they understand what is this, what is happening in that room… and it is all very beautiful. Then I feel blessed...

Traditional Practice

A good friend/teacher of mine send me this article, Introduction to Ashtanga Yoga, written by Gregor Maehle. I found this last part of the article really interesting and wanted to share it with you all.

“Why a traditional practice is still applicable
A peasant once spoke to the sage Ramakrishna thus: 'I am a simple villager. Please give me in one sentence a method by which I can obtain happiness.' Ramakrishna's answer was: 'Totally accept the fact that you are a machine operated upon by God.' This needs to be deeply understood. It is through the belief that individuals exercise free will that ego is produced; and, in turn, ego produces suffering. In the Bhagavad Gita Lord Krishna states, 'All actions are done in all cases by the gunas (qualities) of prakrti (nature). He whose mind is deluded through egoism thinks I am the doer.'
This means that the entire cosmos, including our body-mind complex, is an unconscious machine operated upon by God. Our self, who is pure consciousness, is forever inactive. It merely witnesses. The giving up of the idea that it is we who act is echoed in the Yoga Sutra by Patanjali's use of the term kaivalya. This final state of yoga is the realisation of the complete independence of consciousness. Since it is completely independent, it has no way of influencing the world. Like a mirror, which simply reflects, consciousness can neither reject nor hold onto objects of its choice. Give up the sense of agency, says Krishna: 'Only a fool believes I am the doer.'
The surrender of the illusion of free will is reflected in the vinyasa system by acceptance of the original system [Ashtanga Yoga] as expounded by the Rishi Vamana. Of course it is easy to make up our own sequences of asanas, and possibly commercial success and fame will result. But then we run the risk of falling for the ego, which says I am the doer and the creator. We are only pure consciousness - the seer, the witness, the self - which, as the Samkhya Karika says, plays no active part in this world.
That does not mean we cannot adapt the practice for some time if difficulties are to be met or yoga therapy needs to be practiced. We need to return to the original system whenever possible, though. Rishi Vamana's system leads through outer structure and limitation to inner freedom. If we constantly practice self-made sequences, we create inner limitation through outer freedom.
The rishis of old did not conceive the ancient arts and sciences by trial and error. The method they employed was samyama, which combines concentration (dharana), meditation (dhyana) and absorption (samadhi). In that way, deep knowledge of how things really are can be gained. Patanjali himself explains in the Yoga Sutra how he gained his knowledge. Knowledge of the mind, he says, is gained by doing samyama on the heart. He also explains how the body can be understood. Medical knowledge, he says, is gained by practicing samyama on the navel chakra. This is how the science of Ayurveda came into being. It should be noted that Patanjali compiled the Charaka Samhita, an ayurvedic text. When we study and practice the ancient sciences today, we need to do this with a feeling of respect and devotion.
The teachings of the ancient masters have never been declared invalid. They have only ever been added to. “

I never thought about the yoga I practice, love, live, breath in this way. I was taken by it for reasons beyond my understanding (there is the magical quality of this practice) and also within my understanding (thank god there is some groundness somewhere in me!). Beyond my heart beating faster each time I start talking about ashtanga yoga, I just love it, enjoy it and find it very complete. When I began learning the primary series of Ashtanga Yoga, I realized that it was opening my body, all of it, touching all the corners of my body… and I loved the fact that I was doing it in silence with other people and a teacher watching over, caring and assisting and teaching… so I got into a deep love affair with this practice and now as I am learning the intermediate series, I am learning to love openings of parts my body I did not consider before and openings of my feelings and then getting stronger. Intermediate series (a.k.a. Second series) is rather emotionally triggering while primary series has been calming for me… but it is also very much fun, adventures and more challenging for me (of course while it was so natural for me to forward bend – primary series- being introverted, now I am being told to open my heart!). So for these reason, I never had temptation for other Vinyasa classes. I attended few Vinyasa classes, which were good but left me with a sense of incompleteness; however, this is only I being I. Few of Tias’s sequences gave me the feeling of “vooww that was good!” but he is somewhere between Ashtanga and Iyengar (even if he is leaning much towards Iyengar) so I guess there was something sung to my heart. Therefore, I decided to practice what I enjoy and love and then after a while I decided to teach what I enjoy and love.
I think all practices can be creative. I find creativeness in the way I and many other people do this traditional practice, ashtanga yoga. In this respect, it is not about what one practices but how one practices. On the other hand, if one is creative to design their own Vinyasa sequences that is great too (should I say as long as that ego is reined ☺). As Osho says, creativeness comes from a meditative state; therefore, in whatever way one is creative, it comes from a beautiful source. So, I believe that if one is happy with their own practice, then they are fine with all other practices… all practices are good as long as they bring the good within us.
Namaste to all…

As I grow...

My mind had been full of stuff the whole week. I have been preoccupied with thinking whether students come to class regularly or not, whether I want to be in Istanbul or somewhere else (like India) and then wanting to share my life with someone special and then again wanting to be alone. I have been oscillating from one end to another. I guess when one gives his/her heart to yoga, their life style begin to take shape differently from those around them. I just remembered what has been written on those shirts that featured Guruji on a bottle.
“Ashtanga - the magic elixir. But the hangover is a bitch. Side Effects may include: emotional breakdown, extreme fatigue, a feeling of personal growth that makes you wonder where you’re growing as you assess the damages and potential damages, an intense desire to give up your day job, a magnetic pull that seems to be originating from somewhere in Southern India, feelings of contentment, acceptance, and perhaps exhaustion that make you act a bit stoned most of the time, a desire to give up anything that doesn’t seem to compliment your yoga practice, an inability to relate to those who don’t do yoga, chocolate cravings, excessive coffee consumption, and pain. Rest up so you can drink up again tomorrow. But be sure to avoid heavy machinery.”
I have most of these side effects☺. Sometimes, I find myself questioning whether my life has became too monastic, then I say why do I judge myself or compare myself to others…I sometimes feel awfully lonely but afterward, I long to be alone. I am in bit of a fragile state and it is probably normal since I am going through a time of transformation and change; the way I perceive myself is changing, and then my responsibilities, both for myself and for others, are increasing… However, among all these, the most important fact is that I am doing something I totally love and give myself to, and the times I remember to remember this fact, all my anxieties dissolve... Imagine me working in a bank! I know it is not easy to picture this but it was a reality at one point in my life. A place which was so natural or desired by others was so not easy for me, I was totally lost. Yet, I was so lucky that through various trials, journeys, adventures and heart brakes, I also begin to find out the place which is very natural for me. Of course nothing happens instantaneously. Somehow it is very difficult for me become rooted, especially when the wander lust in me is so lively… Not having a place of my own, a place where I can create my own order as well as my own mess, is not easy. Then the awareness and unawareness of the fact that I am starting something which is very significant in my life is making me excited as well as freaking me and scaring me… Of course, here, the support of Zeynep and David is very significant for me. The thing is not only going in and teaching a class anymore, there is also marketing and promoting oneself, all that in which I am not very experienced… In this part of things, I can say that David is my teacher; he gives me valuable tips and advice.
All these are a kind of yoga. As we all know, yoga is not just all that binding and bending on a mat… How do we live our life, how we want to live our lives, what kind of life we want, whether we want to dedicate our lives to something or not, whether we want to have an aim for our lives or not, and what do we do to realize what we want from our lives…. I am learning to be patient, learning to have faith, most importantly to have faith in myself and then I am learning to have no fear and no fear of loosing my freedom. The effort for creating something flows together with the effort of creating myself…

As the week starts rolling...

Waking up this morning was not difficult… Actually, I woke up before my phone’s alarm went on… Some weeks, waking up so early is all right the whole time but some weeks I get weaker as days roll by. I have to take care, take rest if I will do this kind of schedule…
Practice was nice… I was present even when my mind wandered off some of the times. My mind is preoccupied with my next India trip already as I realized this morning… Well, also getting the newsletter from Rolf and Marci about their next season teaching schedule kind of triggered it I guess…. I was planning to go to Mysore first in mid October and then to Goa for R&M, and now I am not sure because they are doing a separate workshop in Brahmani, which I would love to attend. According to my last plans, I will be in Mysore at that time, but then changing my whole plans for one day workshop may be crazy… and who knows, they might do it again while I am there, in Goa. Also, I am tempted with their offer regarding someone helping them with stuff in exchange of studying with them, but that means 6 months commitment… himmm… I could but now maybe I cannot… wander lust me ☺…
This morning only 2 people showed up for practice. I am having commitment issues with my students. Okey, I do not have many many of them to begin with but I expect those who signed up monthly to show up at least 3 times a week!!! Hey guys, common, get out of the bed before 7 A.M., it is not so difficult once you are up and going! It makes such a difference when the room is more full, it is not only for those who practice but also for me, the energy level rises… then, much more fun for all…. Well, it is only Monday, so I cross my fingers that it will pick up as the week goes by.
On the other hand, I got to the shala a bit earlier this morning and until my first student showed up, I did pranayama and then took a looonnggg, nice shavasana which I really enjoyed!!!

A beginning

It has been more than a week since I began teaching Mysore classes. I am very lucky because I had students since the first day, maybe a couple or so some days but still, it is presence what matters as my friend Charisse says. Last Sunday, I also did a kind of info session for some of Zeynep’s Teacher Trainees and that was quite fun for me because I was telling them about what I love and enjoy the most. Of course, I also led them through some of the primary. I also got the Mysore style book and brought it with me for them to look at it at the end of the session.
This week I got 6 people who signed up monthly and there are few who drop in regularly. I know this is not much at all but I feel like it is a good beginning. I cannot believe that I am starting this, which had been my dream since I moved back to Istanbul from London. The thing is I never imagined it would be me who would do it, I just simply wished that there would be Mysore classes which I could go to… I guess Nancy Gilgoff had some insight because from the very first day she met me, she told me to open my own school. Yes, I teach at my friend’s place but they wanted me to be a shala in their shala, so I am actually separate from them… but I am so grateful to them because they forced me to realize my dream, kind of fulfilling my Saturn tapas. Hopefully it will go all rite and flourish.
With my own practice, it is okey. I am still with handstands and jumping into Bhakasana B and also trying to lift and take back with the jump backs but uhh is it ever possible and when ☹? Ohh and I wake up at 3:20 am to practice before teaching, is that insane or just being me?
Ohh, that Mysore style book is lovely, I was already fond of photography books and this one is all about... guess what!

Tias in Istanbul one more time

Couple of weeks after I arrived, Tias came to do a workshop and a separate session exclusively for teachers on anatomy in my friends’ studio ( Cihangir Yoga) where I will begin to teach. I was a bit doubtful about attending because of my tendencies to get confused so quickly. However, at the end, I did attend all the workshops and actually accumulated the left over hours to complete my 200 hour TT with Tias, so I will get my certificate very soon. The first day Tias, Surya and their 4-year-old son were in Istanbul, I took them to the old part of the city to see some of the old palaces but one of them was closed because it was Tuesday (!?) and the other one we saw. We also went into Archeology museum and the Blue Mosque … A day later, the workshops began. It was nice to study with Tias again but inevitably, I got some question marks in my head. I wonder what other ashtanga practitioners think of this. Well, much more Iyengar leaning Tias tells that we should extend up as much and then start folding down with a straight back to protect the back, while Nancy Gilgoff told us in Berlin during the Primary series adjustment clinic that it is safer (for the back) to have slightly rounded back and fold down first and then start extending the chest forward… see, confused already... It is hard for me to understand the difference since I am so flexy, bendy…
Tias left after 4 days of workshop. It was nice to be with him, the Zen atmosphere he brings in with himself, and lovely Surya who thought I looked much better, and stronger than the TT time last summer…
With my own practice? I am struggling with jumping into Bhakasana B so I also am struggling with jumping up to handstands with two feet together. The chest pain I had last summer on my left side began showing up on my right side last week and I think it is due to handstands and then my anxiety about starting ‘Ashtanga Yoga Istanbul’ which will offer (I will) regular Mysore Ashtanga Yoga classes… It will be in my friends’ studio… it is very exacting and also scaring… kind of ‘who am I to begin all this’ but then, if I do not, who will do it? So, I am making the jump, taking the risk, making the leap to see if I can realize my dreams… cross your fingers for me. Namaste.

From Pune back to Goa and then Istanbul...

I have not written for ages, yes literally for ages… After I left Goa for Pune, for three months I did not have much of a breather… I did the 3 month long Work as meditation residential program at the Osho Commune in Pune. I thought I would not last longer than a month but I survived through out the whole 3 months… First I was working at the Welcome Center which was quite stressful… the only advantage was seeing the cute guys before anyone else since they had to go through us to enter to the commune ☺ While working at the welcome center, I did not feel like talking at all after work or during my breaks. I had the silent patch handy for the most of the time… But after 3 weeks, they moved me to Basho, the pool area where I spent the rest of my training working at the kiosk. That was much better; the nature, the pool, having music… I also began teaching yoga three mornings a week. Teaching went really well, people were very happy with my teaching. Sometimes there would be 20 or more students; I have never seen yoga being that popular in the commune besides me never having taught that many people before… First, I was teaching in a more Tias way but then I decided to teach ashtanga. Sometimes I had to modify according to the needs of the students, then it would be teaching led class based on ashtanga.
On the other hand, while working at Basho… all the issues I had to face, actually exploded on my face… I was really exposed meaning that I had to interact with people all the time (in a different way than Welcome Center), sometimes that would be very overwhelming; the boys who would hang out by the kiosk forever, while I was stuck there… I had to learn to be more assertive; still I am not sure if I have really learned it… I faced a lot of stuff about myself. It was very challenging sometimes and then it was very easy going some other times… Mainly, this time it was my issues regarding men… At the end, I left the commune by the end of March feeling a bit hurt, a bit frustrated. I thought that most people were vain and there was hardly any love in the whole place… everyone was after one think… I gave away all my robes declaring that I will never come back to this place. However, nothing changed regarding my devotion to Osho if not it is growing bigger…
I was supposed to go to Rishikes after Pune according to my plans but I ended up going back to Goa to study with Rolf for another month. I promised myself to learn how to ride the scooter and hopped into the sleeper bus on March 27th from in front of the German Bakery. My friend Divya fare welled me and then I was on my way to south. When I arrived to Goa I felt so good, it was green around and the air was breathable. And then meeting my friends… some were the ones that I met back in December. They went to Mysore and then came back to Goa to study with Rolf again. Going back to practice with Rolf was great after lonely practices in my room at the commune… Then, Goa began getting really hot and also empty. By the end of April, there were so few foreigners and all the shacks and shops began to be taken apart. I stayed until Rolf stopped teaching at the very last day of April. At the end, we were 5-6 people practicing with him and that was such a great opportunity, having so much help and attention from Rolf! He moved my practice quite a bit; the last day, he gave me Eka Pada Sirsasana of course with going in and going out to the pose.
The funny think is I had to continue dealing with similar issues iwhen I got back to Goa as I did in Pune… what to do… this was what India chose this time for me to work on, so I gave in…
Now, I look back and think that it was like everywhere in the Osho commune but a bit clearer, a bit less hidden. This place is where you see everything very clearly with all its beauty and ugliness. Yes, people can be vain everywhere and this is just much more obvious in the commune, even one’s own vainness… And no matter what, it is still a buddha field… But I guess I will give it a break for a while, and not visit Pune when I go to India next season.
So, I got back to Istanbul in the beginning of May after not knowing what I was going to do next. I was debating between going out to renew my visa to go to Mysore and going back home, so I could come back for Rolf next season. Then, my friends who own the coolest shala in Istanbul asked me to teach Mysore classes in their school. Therefore, it was decided for me to go back. I stayed in Bombay for a couple of days before heading back. After reading Shantaram, it was fun to be in Bombay. I was looking everything with the idea I got from the book. Of course I stayed at Coloba district! I actually liked the city, I can imagine living there.
Now it is Istanbul… I will begin teaching next Monday. I am very excited and at the same time I am very nervous… cross your fingers for me!

Last days in Goa

I have not been writing because it is just not as fun to write in internet cafes … So without much notes from me, time to leave Goa almost arrived… I will be leaving Goa on Friday night. This will be my first bus journey in India. I guess it was time for it. I will leave at 8pm and hopefully will be in Pune 7 am in the morning. Then I have 3 days until I begin working in the Osho meditation resort. But of course I will already begin the Osho life since I will not be able to attend the meditations between 9am and 4 pm while I work.
About Goa and practice with Rolf and Marci… It is just wonderful to study with them! I found my teacher at last! I knew something terrific would happen in Goa before coming here, I kept telling my mom that there will be something very special in Goa and yes there is something very special in Goa, my teacher. The practice has been very intense with them and I just feel the difference that begin taking place in my practice so it is kind of heart breaking to leave at this point; however, I plan to come back definitely after Pune. I might even stay less than 3 months in Pune and be back in Goa in March or the alternative is that finding Rolf and Marci wherever they are in April, for sure they will be teaching somewhere in India according to what they have said….Yes, this one month is definitely not enough… I have been craving this kind of practice so much, it has been very nurturing for me. Rolf is a great person and teacher. He pays attention to each student equally… I have so many positive things to say about him! And his presence is very easing, peaceful…
With my practice, I have been working on Laghu Vajrasana quite hard and it began paying off. When I arrived here, I was doing nothing similar to it and now it is coming on well with hands on ankles, arms staight… Then, Bakasana A is added to my practice last week. Also I work on jumping up to hand stands with two feet together, which still seems hopeless, Mau class them my bunny hopes  but with patience and time they will come along as well…
On the other hand, I am also excited about going to Pune. I am sure it will be very nice there as well… it will be a heart opening experience again… I am so lucky that I am equally excited about the place I am going to as I am sorry about leaving Goa!

Time in Goa

I have been very lazy with the computer since I came to Goa… so here goes my first entry which I have actually written the week I arrived…
November 26th… It has been almost a week since I arrived to Goa. Rolf makes everyone practice primary series in their first practice. The first couple of days, they were teaching in Purple valley, and then they went back to their own shala at Arpora. We have self practice Monday through Friday, Friday being self practice primary series for everyone. In the beginning of the new week, Rolf told me to go ahead and practice until where Nancy took me in second series which is up till Supta Vajrasana. Then he told me to do hand stands after my back drops… After I did it against the wall, he helped me go up to hand stand in the middle of the room and then drop to back bend which felt nice. After practice I had a massage from Subuddha, an Osho devotee to whom other ashtangis had been going to. It was a very strong massage, maybe too strong for my liking… The next day, the practice was strong, hard… I practiced laghu vajrasana so many times, Marci helped me… Then with hand stands, Marci made me work against the wall, but trying to come up with both feet and knees together, hopping… It was difficult (still is)… but I feel that it will help me get stronger…
Goa is nice; I stopped worrying what to do rest of the day since the practice is tyring enough for the whole day. The Indian girls in the beach can be overwhelming, trying to sell you sarong, shirt, jewelry, etc… Then there is the juice bar in Chapora to which we usually go to after practice. There we see a lot of lost Western souls, they look like they have been there for ages and they look like they have been stoned for ages….
I tried to use a scooter in the weekend twice but I seem to be no good at it and so my friends take me at the back of their scooter to the shala…. Most of us stay in Vagator; shala is 15 minutes fast drive away, in Arpora….


December 8----Now it has been two weeks, I feel the practice kicking in. Marci and Rolf do not allow any cheating… Laghu vajrasana, straight arms, hands on the ankles, go down to top of your head. I practice this many times in my practice, but 5 breaths is not possible yet, two is possible. This week Rolf said, next week you will be able to do it. Then, Friday’s primary series felt like a piece of cake, so light and short… Today my flat mate Gibran is leaving, ohh also Steve and Sachi are leaving... I will miss them so much, it has been great fun! Most of us live in Sea View; it almost became a dormitory for us… Raj is the owner, a nice man...

Born Twice

I have been quiet for while… because for some part, I was really in silence and no connection to external world… I went to Osho Miasto, the Osho commune in Tuscany for the Osho group “Primal, twice born deconditioning from childhood.” It was an eight-day long group. The first 4 days were extremely difficult for me; I was counting days. The funny part is the difficulty was mostly on physical level. My head began aching as if it was going to explode on the 3rd day and then I was aching all over my body… and I practice everyday, so I am not one of those people when I dance and be active a bit that I should be aching this much… but my legs, the sides of my legs were aching terribly and all I wanted to do was to hide under the sheets and sleep all day long. I guess part of the headache was detoxing from coffeee!!! But all these aches, on the fifth day- the climax day, disappeared magically. Such a detox from emotional, mental and physical rubbish! And the night of that day, when I woke up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, I realized that I was smiling! The Dynamic meditation combined with the group, just made me see clearer, and really physically I felt like I was seeing clearer and then, I was seeing myself more clearly, even with my practice; why I love this practice so many people are critical of and how I will stand by it proudly now on because it is the first one that woke me up and still keeps me awake!!!
After the 5th day, it was much easier and fun and also being literally born twice was the greatest experience! So, it was all worth it. I am happy that I have done this group and I thank my sister for insisting me to do this group. I was a bit frustrated with her when she pressured me so much, but now, I thank her.
Therefore, with all this, my travel plans changed a bit. I am going to Goa on the 20th of November, already purchased my ticket. I will study with Rolf and Marci there. Then, I applied for the residential program in Pune Osho meditation resort because I want to be with people and work with people and be in a place where there is meditation being done everyday so I will not fall back from meditating… And I just learned this morning that I got accepted! I will work and stay in the resort for 90 days! I am so happy!!! From deep inside, I felt that this would be very good for me when I was out of Miasto and so I hope it will be….
After all this, I would love to go to Mysore but I am not sure if the shala will be open. I see that they have a US tour coming up which is between March 15-28 2008. I wonder of they will open the shala after it. If anyone has an idea, please let me know.

Ra Ma Da Sa Sa Say So Hung

Now on, I stop going back and blaming myself and others for the past, for my shortcomings, for my fears…
What we get is what we give… I have to move with that awareness. I shall take every step, say every word, have every intention, every thought with that awareness. I should approach my practice with that awareness; I also should approach my teaching with that awareness. Then all will heal, grow and flourish… with love, passion and compassion in my life.

Pain, anybody got ideas???

I have been very much under the weather last week. I think it was Tuesday, after a very good practice, I began having this ache on my left chest. Yes, I had a pain in my chest before going to Berlin, which began on my lower left ribs and then moved up and middle of my sternum. While in Berlin, it was there but was not an inhibition to my practice. After coming back, I was all right but then this week, it made an acute come back. Tuesday, I just felt something. Wednesday practice sucked but not because of the chest pain but because I was damn too sleepy at 6am in the morning probably because one morning before (when I had that marvelous practice) I was up at 4am and the next day my body wanted to stay in bed longer… But then after practice, when I checked my mail, I got an email which was response to my earlier email from the owner of the studio which made me almost choke, choke with tears… I feel like I should not elaborate here… but he was absurd, hostile and accusative in the email conversations we had which was few back and forth mails… and when I said “okay I will loose my money [yes it was money issue] do as it is appropriate for you”, then he turned around and told me that he did not mean that I should loose my money but I was wanting to be treated with privilege and not admitting and if I only did, then it would be okey… ohh it is like I will do a favor (which was no favor really) but first I have to make you miserable…. Anyways… but then my pain start getting worse, on Friday I was crawling on my mat instead of practice… it got that bad. Saturday, I did not practice the first thing in the morning but at noon, which was better. Then I decided to go my friends’ studio for a gentle class, which I thought might help me relax. It kind of did but I also had to listen some sort of criticism of ashtanga and that it was the reason for my pain…
Today, pain moved to my shoulder blade. I don’t know what to make out of this anymore. If anyone had similar experience, please let me know, let me know what was it and how you dealt with it….

Some notes on Berlin Workshop..

So, being back is always tough after such a good study… It was lovely to be studying with someone like Nancy who believes in the practice. Of course, me being the queen of highs and lows, I went into lows after being back… After I returned to Istanbul, I took the first three days off (including the moon day) for ladies holiday. Yes, this workshop also has been very healing for me! Practicing in the way Nancy taught, in the way Guruji taught Nancy, actually did the trick for me and got my hormones working after they have been in a halt for a while… On the other hand, Surya was claiming that ashtanga practice can mess up women's hormones… I guess part of it is all in our heads… we get what we project. For me, doing things in the way it was originally taught had been very good, very soothing and so the results are here, but maybe if I did not enjoy, and embraced Nancy’s teaching, I would not get the same results… this is all maya…
During the 9 days of practice with Nancy, she got me through Supta Vajrasana in my practice. When I began, I was doing up till Bhekasana. Yes, she moves one fast and then let you work on the set of asanas she gives. The only scary one among all these new asanas is getting out of Laghu Vajrasana… One is suppose to keeo the hands on the ankles contrary to what they have in asana vinyasa guide here…. It is difficult but I guess it teaches one to really use the legs in back bends…
Here I want to share what Nancy said about Surya Namaskaras, and few other pointers about dristi and vinyasa…
This is a bit from my notes from the first day of the adjustment clinic:
Surya Namaskara-
When inhaling up hands forward a bit, not directly above the head, tail bone is tucked in, no back bend. When we inhale down, palms on the floor, with “inhale look up” only head is up, palms still on the floor. If needed, knees can be bend.
With down dog, shorter stance so tail bone is tucked in and you can use your bandhas.
During down dog, inside of elbows face one another.
Rolling toes during transition from chaturanga to up dog is important, no lifting the feet and taking toes under.
Breath is the most important. Moving with the breath, then corrections on the asanas come. Also breathe with sound and move the ribs as if your life depends on it. This is how breath moves your energy, and try to inhale and exhale the same length.
Surya Namaskaras are like a prayer that is why Jois family do not adjust during Surya Namaskara. We can only adjust during down dog…
During Surya Namaskara B, no touching the floor when getting into Utkatasana, that is John Scott version. No need to bend the knees too much in Utkatasana.
During down dog, might want to try heels in, you might use Mula Bandha better. Sharat has heels in; Guruji has heels in during Invocation…
Dhristi for Surya namaskara at breath 3,5, and 7 is changed to the nose! Why this change? When we look up, the attention goes out, when we look on our nose, the attention is more inwards.
Dristi when down dog is navel, we might not see the navel but we look towards it. During seated forward bends, first forehead to the knee, here the dristi is the nose, after this, if you can move shin to the knee, move it and here the dristi is towards the big toe…
During Vinyasa, we begin with inhale from down dog to jump, then we switch to exhale and in that exhale we get into the posture, and then inhale again.