Cooking class, walking around...

Friday, we did a cooking class with Tina. She taught how to make Chole and Aloo Gobi. Tina is a great teacher! In the beginning, she goes through the spice box, tells us the use and benefits of the each spice in the box and then also which oils to cook with etc… She cooks northern Indian food since she is from Bengal. I did one of her cooking classes during my first time here in Mysore; then she taught how to make palak paneer and vegetable kurma and I made the palak paneer at home afterwards with making the paneer and all as she taught… Well, this time also, she told us the benefits of fenugreek seeds and leafs with digestive properties, also the ginger with its digestive and decongestant properties, and of course turmeric and its internal and external healing properties… Then she continued with cooking the two dishes. At the end, she also showed us how to make roti dough and how to bake it over the skillet. Of course, after all this, we sat down for a feast!!!

Friday night, there was also a Halloween party at some yoga students’ house. We dropped by for a bit. They had a really nice house; the party was at their terrace…

Saturday was just very random. I had to run to Anu’s in the morning to do internetting. Then I went back home and stepped out again to buy minutes for my cell phone and I came across to Jonathan on the way. He was going by Green Leaf to take care some things, so I joined him. After he took care of his business, we had coffee at Coffee Day and then he wanted to go to Fab India. We went to Fab India, just looked around, did not buy anything and from there, we walked to the Palace… Actually, we were trying to find this restaurant we heard from someone, Om Shanti, a thali restaurant. We thought we could walk there but as we arrived to the Palace and after asking few people, we decided it was worth taking a rickshaw. We arrived to the restaurant but it was crazy crowded because tour buses kept bringing Indian tourists to the place. On top of every table, another family was waiting so the eating one would finish and they could sit. After 10 minutes, I said this is insane I am not going to stand over anyone who is eating and not let them enjoy it and I am not going to eat when some other people standing over us waiting for us to finish eating… Luckily, the man at the cashier was nice enough to reimburse us for the thali tickets I bought. After this, we walked around, not really knowing where we were and then took another rickshaw to go to the new Dasprakash hotel. There, we had a nice thali and then we walked back to Gokulam!

This morning’s led class was fine. For some reason, waking up for 4:30 AM led class on Friday mornings is really difficult while I wake up by myself on Sunday mornings at the same time for the led class. I wander if it is because after Friday morning, my body expects to wake up at that time again on Sunday and then it forgets during the whole week until Friday or just the rest day on Saturday makes it easy to wake up… One thing tough, my left knee is bothering me. I am not sure what is going on with it… My right knee, which was bothering me when I arrived here is doing pretty well, and now the left one is poking me… I will just watch and see and maybe do some hip openers in the mornings before the practice..

Today, after breakfast we went to the Organic market. I got some green salad that I cannot wait to eat for lunch! It has been a month since I had salad!!!

Diwali week

Today is the last day of Diwali. It has been lots of fire crackers since Monday; as the sun begins setting, the streets become like a war zone, smoke and the noise of blasting fire crackers… Monday was off due to Diwali and yesterday was new moon holiday. But on Monday, one of our friends, Colette, who lives in Alexandra Medina’s house invited us for practice in the studio which is upstairs of their house. Quite a number of people showed up, it was like a regular practice, all the sweat and everything… I did my whole practice for the first time since I got to Mysore, it felt good…
Today, practice was good. I was just in front of the stage. I am getting stronger... I can feel it. Also, Mauricio, who was away for some weeks, came back and said “you look stronger” ; therefore, something is happening… This morning, as I was doing Krounchasana , Sharath was helping the person next to me and then he looked over to me and said “chin up, point the toes, and look at your toes!”
Tonight Dagmar is leaving for Mangalore. I will miss her a lot! But me talking her head off she decided to spend her last week in Goa, practicing with Rolf! She will stay with me; since the house will be empty until others show up, there will be a room for her!

Out of Lassi

Yesterday afternoon, while we were in our last Sanskrit Level I class, rain began pouring. Then it sounded like slowing down, but as we got out of the class, it was going on really hard. After staring in the rain for few minutes, we decided to jump in. Even though I live on the same street with the shala, I was pretty much soaked when I got home. The street was like a river…
This morning, led class was fine, but I feel heavy when practice is so early. I need to get used to that. After practice, went home did some laundry, changed my bed sheets and then put an Osho discourse, laid down to listen him talking about ‘trust’ and dozed a bit during. Then got up to go to Santosha for breakfast. After breakfast, Dagmar and I went to Lakshmipuram to get her scooter. We also sopped by at Three Sisters to have their famous lassis but they were out of lassi, too many people came before us ☹ so have to try again!
Tomorrow we will go to Metropal for lunch buffet! Plans are all around food here! We are very fortunate to be here and enjoy it all…
This monday the shala is closed due to Diwali festival and then Tuesday is moon day... But it seems like few of us are getting together to do home practice, if not I have enough space in my room... Ahh, 3 weeks left for me to leave Mysore for Goa, I kind of feel sad... and wish for one more week here, then it will be exactly 2 months in Mysore... but I signed up for the workshop on the 16th of November with Rolf and Marci at Brahmani and also Marci is expecting me to begin practice with them on the 17th of November... so have to get going when it is time...

Fruits of letting go...

Days are going by really fast. Yesterday, Dagmar and I went to Lakshmipuram after watching the French News, which filmed us during led primary class few weeks back. It was quite difficult to find this film in the internet but we managed!!! Then, I had a quick lunch at Anu’s and then we went to Lakshmipuram. First to Nilgri’s to buy flax seeds and then to West Side. Flax seeds are for me, the nutritional analysis results show that I need Omega 3 more (also Omega 6) and flax seeds are a good source of it. I just grounded them up in Gita’s blender and I will put it over my food as I remember to do… At West side, Dagmar got a really nice top; I did buy nothing. Finding what to buy part was pretty easy and fun but paying part took long because the guy who was at the cashier could not figure out something. He managed to charge the card, so what was the problem, we could not understand. After 3 men looking on the screen and one of them typing stuff over and over, this little girl came down from upstairs and she hit few buttons and it was all sorted out, here goes women power! Then, we tried to find our way back home, getting a bit lost but managed it at the end. When we got back, my head was buzzing from driving on the scooter in the afternoon traffic… After stopping at home, I went to pick up the pants and the dress my tailor made for me both of which do not fit me, but I did not fuss about it. So, I gave the dress to Claudio because it fits her much better and the pants, I do not want to think about them… Sudha will be making me two pants, and I know they will fit nicely and if they don’t, she does not want me to buy them…
After going home for a shower, I went to Kumar for the afternoon meditation. This week the meditation starts at 6:30P.M. because we are doing the Osho Gourishankar Meditation and it is better to do it after the sun set. Then I went home, watched one episode of Lost, read some from my Health and Healing book, which is about Krishnamacharya.
This morning I woke up with nausea… I just did some of my nauli exercises and then laid down for a while… Then, went off to practice, wishing to make it through all right and focusing, focusing and focusing no more thoughts…. I did focus and made it through the practice. At the end, Sharat came to help with ankle grabbing. He asked me “what did you do last?”, I said “Krounchasana”, he said “ohh… Then tomorrow Salabasana” (Salabasana A, Salabasana B) he stopped and then added “ Bhekasana ). Tomorrow, both Salabasana and Bhekasana”. Yeah that got me smiling a big smile! Just as I stopped whining about not getting more asanas and if he was aware of my presence and all that yes then things start moving forward… Therefore, yes, need to stop whining, need to focus more, need to work on jump backs and troughs… I am actually working on jump backs harder; I am now picking up as usually but different from before I am not putting hands forward after picking up but not moving my hands from where they are and taking legs back in a I guess funny way and working towards something more like proper jump backs…
Well this is all for now. And it began raining again, a big one for mid day… I am at Anu’s now and my laundry back at home is having a nice rain bath ☺

Weekend

This Saturday was a shopping day again. After breakfast at Tina’s, Claudia and I went to city for shopping for cotton sari and bed spreads and I was also hoping to pick up the ear studs I ordered at Suddharsans. First we looked for cotton saris but for some reason all the shops say the nice Indian prints do not exist in cotton saris… So after seeing few shops, we ended up at Rashinkars again, I told them that the “cotton” sari I got from them was not pure cotton and after washing it was still hard and asked if they have saris in pure cotton… After looking at some stuff they got, which were beautiful but not what I was looking for, the nice Indian motifs… Still, I really liked few of the saris, but then when they took us upstairs to show ready made tops and so forth, they showed all these nice materials to make shalwer kamez, and they were kind of fabrics that I was trying to find!!! After maybe 5 visits to Rashinkars, at the end they showed me what I was looking for! So, for your info, Rashinkar has some nice fabrics, that comes in a set of three, one to make a top, the other to make pants and then the shawl; they all match but in different colors and designs…. Still we decided to have a look at Fab India because so far whatever my tailor makes for me do not fit me!!! He is very nice but I feel like I am wasting fabric and money on things I cannot wear… Before going to Fab India, we went to Devaraj road and Claudia looked for jeans for her stay in Europe after India, since they are cheaper here. Also, we found a shop, which had the comforters Claudia was looking for… I also sopped by at the Suddharsans to see if they made my ear studs and yes they did!!! So, I got them and am wearing them now! After all this, we took a rickshaw to Fab India, which is in Lakshmipuram. They really have some fabulous stuff, very nice kurtas, tops, skirts, shawls form very good quality cottons with nice colors and designs. After all, I ended up buying one kurta and one top form Fab India… I also bumped into Martha and her husband again. Martha was in Level I of Tias’s Teacher Training in Santa Fe. I first saw them in front of Loyal World last week and yesterday again… Her husband was excited about talking with us about the practice. He asked me if I progress in my practice by practicing in the shala and when I said yes he was very surprised! Well, I explained him that practicing solo versus practicing with all these people makes a huge difference; it triples my energy level and lifts me up. HE asked whether I achieved anything new, and I said “actually yes, but not what I had in my mind…” but I refused to tell him what it was… I just did not feel like bragging about such stuff… Then he asked if I were teaching yoga in Istanbul, and what kind whether Vinyasa flow or ashtanga… I told him I teach ashtanga and I do not enjoy Vinyasa flow much. He said “strict ashtanga, primary series”, and then he added “that might change in few years” Here came a trigger to me ☺… My answer was, “and it might not, Rolf has been doing it for 30 years and he seems to love it still… and I love it very much” After, Claudia and I went out, of course I was mumbling stuff like “ why people need to comment on such stuff when they now nothing about me…” and Claudia told me “ you know, in such cases I just nod, I am not even listening sometimes, it come from one ear and goes out from the other… not important, you get really frustrated over other people’s comments!” She was so right and I have to learn how to led things come form one ear and go from the other before Claudia and I part ways!
Practice this morning was tough. I felt very tired at 4:30 AM in the morning. Then, close to the end of the practice, after Upavishta Konasana , I forgot Supta Konasana, so there I was preparing for Supta Padangusthasana, and of course I got caught and Sharath yelled at me “which one???”… I thought “here goes my hope for getting Shalabasana tomorrow! Ohh well, it is all okey but I wonder why I keep forgetting asanas here. Maybe it is just because it was still early for me to practice at 4:30 this morning or I have to focus better.
This Tuesday, my first month will finish here, time is flying by…

Week of Anatomy class and practice

It is already end of the week. It has been a cloudy, rainy week which is good I think, not so hot. Tomorrow is led class; I am in the 4:45A.M. batch now according to the schedule Sharath put on the board! Ashtanga while sleeping… You know right 4:45 AM shala time means 4:30 real time and to get in, we begin cuing up at 4:15 shala time!
Agnieszka’s left on Monday night ☹. Tuesday was moon day, it was anatomy class and then I went S.N. Jois for a Vedic astrology reading. What I can tell is that he was spooky rite about some things and very off with other things and then he had some predictions and I will see what happens regarding them in the future… Wednesday practice was okay and this time, Sharath let his hands go after he helped me grab my calves in backbends… yes I could stay there without him holding!! I did not think I could do that so soon! After practice, Sharath was taking people to puja in this new temple… but I did not go, I chose breakfast over puja! Is that bad, I don’t know… Then it was anatomy class with Ken again, we studied the pelvic floor… And if I got anything from yesterday's class, it is that the two things that make yoga difficult for us are sitting in chairs and carrying weight on our shoulders; we, humans are actually, anatomically suppose to sit on the floor and carry weight on our heads like Indian women... then late lunch at Tina’s new café; it was very good food and very cheap too! Then Sanskrit class in the afternoon. I told Lakshmish that I will not stay for chanting class anymore, and he just shook his head… I enjoy Sanskrit level I now, it is like puzzle, but I really get bored chanting straight ahead without talking about the meaning of what we chant…
Today practice was good. Then, Santosha for breakfast and then last day of Anatomy class. It was very interesting class today. Ken talked about Mula bandha and Uddiyana bandha anatomically and also about soas muscle. Afterwards, we had lunch at Cenakis (I donnu how to spell it out really), it was good food. Now time to chill a bit until tomorrow morning.

Weekend to today

Saturday was a full day shopping! First we had breakfast at OM café and of course everybody else decided to have breakfast there as well, so I was sitting between Melanie and Agnieszka’s chair for quite a while but then we managed to grab a chair, which got emptied… Now they have a mini market on Saturday’s at OM café, Dominic, the French lady had beautiful shawls and sandalwood necklaces/bracelets, I could not buy anything since I had no $ with me but next Saturday I will get something from her! Then right after breakfast we, Agni, Claudia, Jonathan and Jessica went to the city. Our first stop was Sapna bookstore from where I got a tiny Osho book just to keep my heart beating, then we walked to Ashoka bookstore, form there we went to the Bata store at the corner. I was hoping to find those cute plastic shoes and did, Claudia and me got pink plastic shoes! Afterwards we went to Rashinkars. I got a cotton sari with beautiful pattern and others also got saris, lungue (how do you spell that?) and books. Then we had to run for food. I do not remember the name of the place but it looked like a sweet shop from the entrance but upstairs they had full on restaurant! It was on the main road. Of course, it took us a while until I had to mobilize everybody to get active in table grabbing ☺, we lost few tables while waiting politely at a corner... But the food was good; most of us had the Southern special thali. After the food, we also went to Devaraj road. We walked up the road, Agnieszka looked in every Bata store to find her size in those pink plastic shoes but no luck… We went into a store to try Shalwer Kamez… I tried many of them but did not really warmed up to any of them; I was also hoping that Lokesh could make me something with the cotton sari I go. After all, we crashed at the Coffee day at the top of Devaraj road…
Yesterday’s led class was fine. I felt a bit stiffer in my knees. I blamed it to the Indian food; too much garlic… I do not know if it is really relevant. After the led class, we went to Bird sanctuary, which is a bit outside of Mysore. It was really beautiful. We took a boat ride in the river. It began raining in the middle of it but it was not pouring so that was fine. We also saw some alligators in the river other than birds… After the boat ride, we walked a bit, but the walk path is really short so we were done pretty quickly. Then we got back to Mysore, stopped at the Green Leaf to eat more Indian food…
There was also conference yesterday. Sharath talked about Ashtanga Yoga having the whole package with drishti, breathe, bandhas and asanas… when we do all these then we are doing meditation, pranayama and asana… I asked about whether putting contact lenses during practice or not and he said do whatever you want… So I will keep on wearing them. If he told us that not wearing them is better for the eyes or something then I would try without but if it does not matter I do not want to give away from my balance…
Today was fine. Practice was good. This time no new asana… Sharath began standing in front of me as I began my back bends until I finished my backdrops so he could help with the grabbing the ankles…
For breakfast, I went to Vivien’s with Agni. Today is Agnieszka's last day; she is leaving tonight ☹
Today was also the first day of Ken’s4-day Anatomy class. This first class was very good; Ken knows what he is talking about and he is very articulate…
Tomorrow is a full moon so no practice… I am thinking of seeing Dr. Kumar in the city for a consultation. I feel that my digestion is sluggish; maybe he can help in some way…
By the way, the sari I got turn out to be mixed with synthetic so after washing it did not softened up, so Lokesh does not want to make any clothing with it, instead he will make curtains for my new home. That also works out for me.

Lake trip after led class

Therefore, I moved to a room at chocolate lady, Gita’s house. I stayed at her house the first time I was here and I know it is clean and quiet. I am staying in the same room I stayed before, the upstairs room and Agni is staying in the downstairs room but she will leave on Monday ☹ I am comfortable now… since I am not staying so long, only until November 14th, I did not bother to look around much.
This morning, before the led class, Sharath told us that people who come to self practice until 6:15 (so that includes me) should come to 4:45 led class on Friday and on Sundays there will be a second led primary series class and also there will be a second led primary series on Sundays and up to 6:15 students has to come to the first batch… Then he left and the Saraswati led us through the led class. I was feeling tired so I was no full power…
After class and doing some laundry at home, I went to breakfast at Vivien’s. I really like her coffee and the fruit salad was the best one I had so far because it had chikoo! Then I, Agni, Dagmar and Claudia went to Karanchi Lake. First we took one those paddle boats to go around in the lake, it was fun. Indian boys who also rented boats were targeting us and driving toward us but we avoided any crash. The nature was beautiful by the lake. After the boat, we took a walk around it and many photos!

Sleeping with a cockroach

Okay, I did not sleep with it the whole night but here how it went...
Last night I went to bed around 8 o’clock and was oozing nicely… Around 10-10:30 PM, the family began getting more lively, so I also began waking up and tossing around and then I suddenly opened my eyes and saw a big dark think across from my face, right there! I jumped and the black thing ran under the pillows. I turned on the lights and picked up the first pillow and then the second and yes it was right there stuck to the second one, the big cockroach! Yeyyyy, I shook it off and it dropped to the floor and flipped and began running… I looked around and round and could not find it… After trying to shake off my trauma and putting around lines with the chalk thing and spraying neem oil all around, I turned off the lights and try to sleep but then I began hearing 'cirk kirk' sounds and obviously this time it was the cockroach which was tossing around. Therefore, I turned on the lights, spotted the bug and tried to drive it away from my room but it kept going the other way. Finally, with the broom I managed to take it out side. After all this, I thought I can rest maybe but then the family decided to wash their bike at 11:30 PM. They wash things behind their kitchen which is in front of my house. So, it was the kid talking loudly and the dad talking loudly and the wife talking loudly and the water… I opened the door to reguest if they could bring it down a bit but as soon as I opened the door the cockroach, which I threw out, flew on me, it was hiking on my door… I guess it really wanted to be with me last night. I began hoping that time would fly by so fast that it would be time to go to practice.
I think I am giving up this cockroach fight… too bad when I was just so proud about how I dealt with them. I also wonder what this is all about… I am watching LOST the TV series and the episode I watched yesterday was about the relation between animals that come into our lives and the people who passed from our lives; it was the boar that was after Sawyer… and it came to the fact that Sawyer killed a man thinking that he was the one caused his family to disaster… Then, what about the cockroaches and me?
Practice was okey this morning. Sickness and not enough sleep is not helping but I manage. I sweated tons again…

Last few days...

A bit of sickness is what I have got, but before coming to that I have much more to tell….
On Saturday, restless me had to go to Mysore palace for a visit… the down side of going last weekend was Dasara, the state festival which is going on now, so there were much more visitors than usual… As a tourist, I paid 100 rupees, whereas Indians pay only 20 rupees… I got a bit stressed because they took my camera, first I kind of wanted to resist but then I given in, they put it in a locker and charged me 5 rupees. The garden and the outside of the palace were beautiful. As I proceeded towards the inside, I realized they wanted shoes off and there were so many shoes!!! How the hell I would find my shoes when I get back!??? So I just took them in my hand, did not put them in one of those buckets filled up with shoes. As I went in, I realized that 90 percent of the visitors were young Indian men, hand in hand in pairs, or three, four of them holding on to one another’s wastes and no matter what, refusing to let go of one another… Inside the palace was not so impressive for me, I kind of rushed it to tell the truth. I guess I was also overwhelmed with the male population all around me… It is a bit similar in Turkey, I mean the male population is much more then female in the streets but not nearly as much as it is here. Anyways, I at last saw the palace, but in my opinion, the outside of the palace is much prettier and worth seeing than the inside… and I guess when it is lit up in the evening, it is very pretty.

Sunday led class was fine. I manage to get a spot inside the shala but there were people who were practicing in the changing rooms… The shala is getting crowded each day… Sunday we also had the conference, this was my first conference with Sharath talking. Guruji also came and he sat in his chair. In the beginning, Sharath and Guruji talked amongst themselves and then Sharath talked about having faith in the practice and keep on trying, being brave to try and also being content about where we are at. He also let people ask questions. Someone asked about how long the finishing postures should be held and he said that they are very important asanas because they prevent aging and we should hold them as long as we can. The person who asked this question also asked should we hold Sirsasana for an hour or two hours and he said “if you can, yes”, and he also said we should slowly build up the time we hold these postures. When the question and answer part was finished, Nancy and few other students who were involved in the Shri K. Pattabhi Jois Charitable Trust made a presentation. First, there was a little movie made by one of the volunteers about the Chetana Trust and then three of the volunteer students talked about their experiences. It is very nice that the Trust Is organizing students to do volunteer work around Mysore, since most students come to Mysore over and over, after a while, there is not much left to see and to do around, so this gives a good opportunity to be involved and make a difference in people’s lives who need help. After the presentation, Sharath also showed us the photos of panthers he took in a safari he went to in Tanzania and also in India… They were really good photos! He has an artist side I guess. Before we left the shala, there were forms for people who wanted to do volunteer work for the trust, so I filled up one of them… I donnu if I can be any use…

On Monday, practice was good, but the night before, the sleep was difficult because I have got a sore throat and my landlord’s family who lives in the house which is in front of mine is a bit too loud until late at night. During practice, I sweated quite a bit. While I was doing Pasasana Sharath shouted to my dierection, Krounchasana, so I got the next asana… Hopefully, until it is time to leave for me, I will get to the point in my practice where I was stuck while studying with Rolf. As the day moved on, I start feeling sicker but I was also running around like a mad women; no resting when obviously that was what I needed. I went to Three sisters after practice with Agni and Claudia. Three sisters are quite fun, we sat there for an hour, had ginger+carrot juice. Then I headed home. For lunch, I met with bunch of us at six main, this was for Crystal who left yesterday afternoon. After lunch, we also went to Barista… I was feeling already tired and sicker, but had to go to Sansktrit and Chanting class after all this… Chanting was a bit too much with runny nose and sore throat… Came home hoping for a relaxing a bit and a good night sleep but the congested nose and the noise from outside made sleep difficult.

This morning, in spite of all, practice was not bad but opps I realized afterwards that I skipped Navasana… well, should not beat myself too much for that, I can have a break for the sake of sickness, no? The thing is, Sharath told me “tomorrow you come at 6:15” as I entered the shala so this means waking up earlier and this means I really need to find a solution for my sleep, like a way to fall a sleep earlier instead of tossing around in my bed for hours until my landlord’s family decides to sleep in mid night.

Led class under cameras!

This morning, led class was under cameras. Apparently, some French people are making a documentary. I really do not know the details… When I know more, I will tell more! Other than that, it felt like Sharath was more merciful this morning with his counting or I am getting used to his count. I actually really enjoy his slow count, it reminds me to not hurry, especially with vinyasas and so chaturangas benefit…

Today I had my third and for the moment, last rolfing session. When Ken asked me how the practice feels with these sessions, I told him that the strange unstable feeling in my pelvis during Utthita trikoansana has been gone for the last few days. Yes, for few months, especially with the right side of Utthita Trikonasana, I was feeling unstable with my hips, pelvis, feeling that my hips were not in a good position… kind of hard to explain. But since I got here and began the rolfing, this feeling has gone! I was really struggling with this because I thought I was doing something wrong, not aligned correctly, etc… so I almost listed Utthita Trikonasana as the most challenging… However, I guess it was not my doing or undoing but the way my pelvis was positioned in my body… I hope it stays with its new way…

What else, himm I am extra hungry today. Maybe because I feel like I can eat anything with no practice tomorrow ☺

Busy Mysore days!

Life is so busy here in Mysore I cannot understand. In Istanbul, I was a bit bored, but to tell the truth, this was mostly due to myself, I did not really want to do much… Here, there is so much to do and even if I am only at home, I have all these new books that I have gotten each of which looks really delicious!

Yesterday the practice was good. Saraswati helped with the last back bend and this time she pulled my hands pretty up, I think I was holding my knees or something… After practice, I ran back home to have a shower and a quick breakfast because I was going to Dr. Kuttapa’s (my dentis here) to go to his clinic together in the city. See, last week, after couple of days I have been here, crown of one of the root canals I have broke. First, I though I broke a tooth but very luckily it was only a crown, otherwise I would panic because it was a big chunk… So, while I was trying to figure out what to do, I learned that Gita’s (the chocolate lady whose home I stayed for a week my first time) husband was actually a good dentist (I knew he was a doctor but did not know he was a dentist!) Therefore, I knocked on their door, and the next day Dr. Kuttapa took me to his clinic, got the measure of my teeth and this week, the crown was ready. He replaced my crown yesterday and I was relieved… I came back to Gokulam and at 2 o’clock I went to Kumar for my massage appointment with him. Ohh, it was great, my body softened up nicely and also my mind calmed down and I got a big smile after the session. Then, I ran home, had a quick bite and ran back to the shala to attend the Level I Sanskrit and Chanting classes which begun yesterday. It is the same person who was giving the yoga sutras class two years back. The class was nice. I am happy to be taking both classes, we will also go over asana names, their correct pronunciations… and chanting is very meditative…

This morning as I arrived to the shala I was expecting to find many other students waiting in the waiting area but there was none and so as soon as I came by the door, I heard Saraswati shout “one more” and I hopped in. This time, I was right next to women’s dressing room door but this spot was much spacious than the spot right next men’s dressing room. Practice was nice. I think Sharath might tell me to come to the practice even earlier next week… New people are coming, some of old students are leaving, so practice time keeps moving to earlier as always…

After practice, I got home, did laundry and passed some time until it was time to meet Melanie for breakfast. I took her to Santosha’s. I really like that place. I had eggs this morning with multi grain bread. The bread is really good at Santosha’s; also, their other baked stuff looks delicious as well, the tempting cookies and sweet breads… I still haven’t given in to cookies and such but I suspect that soon enough, I will. Afterwards, I went to Rama Krishna Ashram to get the Srimad Bhagavad Gita which our teacher told us to get for our Sanskrit class. Then, I went into the city to see the jewelry place Isa told me. I ordered the same studs she has for my extra holes on my left ear. I was temped for another pair of beautiful earrings but the gold has gotten so expensive that very quickly I decided to not make anymore purchases. After I got out of the shop, I walked down Deveraj Road and then to the city bazaar, but wandered rather shortly in the bazaar due to the big crowd and got back home. I still have to figure out where to get good incense, that will be for another trip to the city, or it will be an excuse to make another trip to the city :) … After resting at home a little, I went to Krishna tailor. Lokesh made me fisherman pants with the fabric I gave him but they did not look good as fisherman pants, so I asked him to change it to regular pants. He was not so happy about this request, he said it will be difficult to convert but at the end, I convinced him! He already made the patchwork bags I ordered. They are not same as the one I got two years ago, but I guess the one I got at the time was a remainder of Krishna’s work after he passed out… The patchworks on that bag was smaller and the fabric was a bit different… I guess Lokesh is not so patient to make such small patchwork and I am fine with it, I am not going to complain….

Tomorrow is already Friday, the led class! Ohh forget to tell, I decided to spend one more week in Mysore; therefore, I will be practicing in the shala for almost two months and then will head to Goa for R&M!

Moving on...

This morning, as soon as I entered the waiting area of the shala, Sharath said “you come in now, tomorrow come at 6:45! “ and so I squeezed myself to the spot right next to the door of the men’s changing room. I could not raise my arms completely during sun salutation since the ceiling over there gets lower ☺ Still, the practice flowed… I felt stronger today, maybe the resting during yesterday’s new moon or adjusting to the shala and drawing in more energy… Also probably happiness of being called earlier made me go full fuel. Whatever it was, I felt good and open and strong. At the end of the practice, while I was coming up from my third drop back, Sharath appeared in front of me, he said “ tomorrow, Pashasana” then he asked” did you do pashsana last time?” I said “no” , he said” tomorrow only pashasana!”. Yeah, I wanted to do a little dance right there but instead I was grabbing my ankles in back bends with Sharath helping me ☺ Yes, I am very happy because I was thinking that he will make me practice only primary the whole month! Well, so I am "officially" started on the second series. I think I needed this very much. I know it does not matter whether you do only primary or maybe only half of primary or second or third… on the other hand, I am one of those people who can do better with a bit of encouragement. I am happy to be here, I think it will help me get my practice stronger. The energy in the shala is good and I really enjoy practicing with all these people! I feel thankful today, and I hope to remember this everyday!

Also, today I had my second rolfing session with Ken the Rolfer. I am starting to really enjoy this work. It is not the most pleasant body-work but it is very good for body awareness. I know you will ask what are you doing when practicing yoga but we do not really know every tendency of our body and also we get lazy and go back to our habits which are not so good for us… so Ken’s work is really bringing me back to my body and also making me feel more grounded… I am also learning a lot about my body from him and that by itself is bringing more information about how to look at other bodies….

Briefly...

Very briefly..
I made it to Mysore! I arrived to Mumbai at 3:30AM on Monday, waited for the Bangalore flight which was at 7:30AM, cursed myself for bringing the laptop which dragged me down with its weight but I knew once I made it to destination it would be a blessing☺ … got to Bangalore, took the taxi which Murthy sent… the new airport is further away, so spent some time in Bangalore traffic…. Made it to Mysore at 2pm. Went to Joycee; she was very nice, she prepared a room for me to take rest before beginning my house/room hunt. I took a shower, passed out for 2 hours then met Murthy, changed money to pay to the shala, after seeing Sharath got much lighter ☺, and received my registration card; then, saw one room and one house, got totally confused… could not decide right away, so stayed at Joycee for a night, slept over it to decide. Went for practice at 7:15, very late!!! After so long, practicing with people again was nice, and I sweated lots, so hot in the shala… Went to breakfast for Tina’s. Back to housing situation, decided to take the room but at the last minute got the house! And moved in... and then life starts rolling… Already been to Ashoka bookstore and Rashinkars. I have been looking for some yoga philosophy books, could not find anything I am looking for… but got the Krishnamacharya book, “Health, Healing and Beyond”! very nice

Time to Pack!

Only couple of days left for me to fly to India one more time! On Sunday afternoon I will be taking the plain to Mumbai and arriving next morning, then flying to Bangalore and then the taxi ride to MYSORE…
So, I better begin packing… gathering some medicines and other stuff that I might need to have under my hand while I am in India. I am also wandering about accommodation. I emailed Murthy, he will send a taxi but regarding accommodation, he is a bit vague… Therefore, I contacted my friend Joycee who lives there, maybe she can help me with it… Well, I will see what happens. I might also give a call to Murthy before I leave which might be more effective.
Another adventure is awaiting me! I feel excited, very lucky and open to all that will come on my way. This morning was the last Mysore class of the year… The first attempt of me teaching Mysore style Ashtanga classes has been a mixed experience. It was not too bad because there has been always a student even if only one; on the other hand, it did not blossom either… maybe next time or next next time.... who knows.
Now, time to move on to the next adventure… hopefully all will be good as the last time… looking forward to meet with friends, and to meet with Mysore folks one more time… and of course very much looking forward to practicing in the shala!
Ahh, we (me and my sister) are listening to Devendra Banhart, the Queen Bee song from Cripple Crow, at the moment; how so lovely his music is! warming my heart...

Commitment

For three nights in a row, I am having dreams about ex boyfriends. Each night I had a dream about one guy; the one mutual thing about these guys is that they were all perfectly into me but I have ditched them and made them suffer… It is weird I am having these dreams now, but then also maybe not, because lately I have been verbalizing that I want to have a partner. It was okey for a while not having anyone but now, I say that I want to have someone in my life. On the other hand, I also say that it is impossible that I can be with a Turkish man or any man who is not into yoga because we would not be compatible at all with my life style- waking up early, sleeping early, being vegetarian, going off to India for many months each year… we would not have much in common, and they would think that I am weird, etc, etc…

I have also been thinking that regarding relationships, I am starting a new period with new understanding. It is not like I suddenly grew up about them but I try to look at things from different angles. I am trying to understand why it does not work when it does not, I try to see what I put into the relationship with my own energy and actions, and I try to understand another’s reactions and behaviors… Of course, I sometimes get fed up and give up and think that all this being whole within before you can attract the right one is just a talk, not much truth in it and all this relationship stuff boils down to luck… But still, there is some kind of change and hopefully there is since everything else is changing in this life and I am growing even if it does not feel like. And since I am starting to see and approach things differently and thinking that I am starting a new period, before all that or with all that “new period”, with these dreams I am being shown (by my unconscious mind) that I also better see that how I used to be with those people who were willing to be with me. Until now, I have seen things from one corner, forgetting these ones who were happy with me, and thinking about the ones who made me really question myself and in a way make me feel not good enough. It is not just being incompatible or men not finding me attractive or men here in this country being too macho for me… but also my tendency to be attracted to men who are not available, who have usually going through stuff when I meet them and who will obviously make me suffer or force me to leave, and also, my tendency to get bored, or run off when things seem to be able to work just fine. My tendency of being attracted to charismatic but dark and impossible ones. I guess my dreams are telling that it is also time to forget about the “dream”, the perfect one in my mind because mostly those who seemed perfect to me are the ones who left a big scar in my heart and then I have left the ones who could have a relationship… So, I guess this time I am being asked “do I really want a relationship and if yes what will I do when someone is willing to go ahead with it, will I run off to another more charismatic, and of course more problematic one or go ahead with what is in front of me?”

All in all, commitment issues that I have seen on the others were all within me as well. So far, I have been committed to one thing and that has been, yes, my practice, and maybe now I can be more with other things in my life… This practice, for some, is a torture, doing a physically demanding practice everyday and doing the same asanas every day. I have heard people say “isn’t it boring to do same practice everyday?” or “if you are an ashtangi and doing the same practice everyday, you are not respecting your body”. Therefore, for some people, it is the same practice everyday, but for us, who do the practice everyday, we know that it is not the same everyday. It changes from day to day, somedays feels like my energy is bursting and I move with ease; somedays I feel energy is low but still I am in the asana, maybe not flying through vinyasas, but it ease me to breath in the asanas; some days my mind distracts me to elsewhere and my body yearns for presence… And what happens when I do this practice daily, when I give myself this time to practice and what happens when I leave it? At the time I discovered this practice, it was when I really needed to find something to commit in my life (yes, again there was an impossible situation in my life) and with this practice, I began committing to something. Now, I look and see that commitment to the practice has been the one beautiful thing that happened to me in the last few years. Of course, there is also need to ask what is expected from this commitment to the practice: are we expecting to develop wings and fly, become a superstar yogi who can do difficult asanas, etc… Well, this commitment for me is the time I give to myself daily to be with myself and to work on myself, to watch my mind, to see my ideas of impossible and how they are shattered, to see my ambitions and how they cannot be means to get where I want to get and to see the change all around through the changes in my body... So, now I see with commitment to one thing, many things in my life changed. And maybe doors to more commitments in my life are opening...

The body

This week boiled down to some illuminating perspective… The week began with my big toe nail which start chipping in the middle and then start digging in my toe, making it bleed and ache… I tried to trim it and all that, and so I made it until today with the practice; however, today, it was just hurting too much through out the sun salutes and vinyasas… On the other hand, I was also not planning to do a whole practice since I had to run to the doctor to have a small operation; therefore, it was fine to cut my practice short… Then, I went to the doctor, he had to freeze this chronic wound in the opening of my uterus, so it would not lead to something else in the future. God, that was pretty painful. I thought I had high tolerance of pain but this was a different kind of pain, not what I was expecting. The pain just diffuse from the area he was working at, to my legs and my knees became jelly like, and inside me, it was burning… Well, it is done and now there is this ache, which I know will be much much less tomorrow… After I came home, I began thinking about practice and how it would be if I kept aching inside tomorrow, and wishing the big toe getting healed soon and if not, then damn luck since just a little bit more than a week left to Mysore, bla bla bla… Then, I suddenly remembered my friend Lorraine with whom I met in Goa this last April. At the time, she had a broken foot and she began coming to practice with all of us! She modified her practice for her broken foot but did not stop practicing! She was an inspiration, also a proof of devotion, and encouraging for times of injury… And here I am worrying about my broken nail! Pointless, rite? Afterwards, I was looking at my mails and then saw this email form Yoga mates, they had an interview with Matthew Sanford. I did not know him but I just went ahead and watched the interview. This Iyengar teacher is paralyzed from chest down since he was 13 years old. In this interview, he was talking about body mind connection, how principals of yoga do not discriminate between bodies; moreover, he was also talking about the inner body (or energy body) and moving beyond the physical poses… His talk really moved my heart and reminded me that there is nothing to worry about… Yes, I sometimes get ambitious.. I began worrying about not moving forward with my practice because of not having a teacher at home; I worry about the days my energy is down and the practice feels sluggish; I worry about the hurting big toe with a broken nail; I worry about this and that… But for me today it was “Hey you! These are all superficial aspects of the practice! Wake up Please!”

Two weeks to...

Yes, I am hungry…. Uhmm what more? Yes, yes, yes less than 2 weeks left to India!!! Mysore and then to Goa for R&M… very exciting! So I am already starting to feel lighter! A friend from the shala also will be coming to Goa with his girlfriend to study with us!!! It is great that I am starting to pull people towards to sources!!! Also, my house situation here is making a dramatic turn… and, and, and I will most likely, if everything goes fine, live in an area that is very close to the shala and where I can walk around etc… crossing the fingers a bit longer until things finalize hopefully!!!
Okey trying to stay calm… there is till time and things to do!

What else. Last weekend, I attended the first bit of the “vinyasa” training that has just begun in the shala. Nicol is teaching it. She is great… I enjoyed the two days I spent with her very much. It is good to do something different for a change once in a while, and also having a little idea of what all this “viyasa” is about is a plus. I am not interested teaching in this way… but I might once in a while join Nicol’s classes after this weekend. One sees how things can be challenging when doing something out of one’s regular practice…. Like warior III, it is called Dighasana – A in ashtanga and I hardly practiced that asana since it is in the 3rd series! I mean obviously it is not in my own practice and once in a blue moon, when I attended another class… Therefore, trying a different style can be a good humbling exercise also...
Well I got a eat, starving!

Here comes 31!

So I turned 31 yesterday… it was a pretty dramatic day just because of the way I felt… I was sad because I was far away, well I am always far away from the people I connect with, from the people who are close to me. Yes, I have a problem of being disconnected from people in this city and having friends who are spread around all over the world… since I went away for college 13 years ago… (wow it has been 13 years!) Therefore, yesterday I felt really down in midday. I realized that there is something not working in my life. I am not able to be present in, able to settle down in, able to except the place I am from. What to do? I really have no clue anymore. Because I am trying hard to do something, I am working on what I love the most in my life here, hoping that something will come out of it which will make me enjoy this place but not really happening. I keep finding myself missing all these other countries I have lived in and I keep finding myself feeling stuck and hopeless here… Is it my attitude, or is it the impossibility of what I am trying to do or what? Now I feel like I am writing to one of those advice columns on newspapers!

Sorry for being such a downer… Well, my sister was great yesterday, she did everything to cheer me up and at the end she succeeded. We had good time going out, having a meal and all that. So, now I am 31… a pretty grown up age it looks to me. And in this new age, I wish to find peace within myself, I wish to be connected better, ohh I wish many things… and today is a new moon so the very right time to write down wishes, so I will do that… thinking carefully, writing my wishes.

Meditation for the day!

Today I draw a card from Osho transformation tarot cards and here what I have got to meditate on!

"WISHFUL THINKING

The parable of the wish-fulfilling tree

The thinker is creative with his thoughts--this is one of the most fundamental truths to be understood. All that you experience is your creation. First you create it, then you experience it, and then you are caught in the experience--because you don't know that the source of all exists in you.

Once a man was traveling, accidentally he entered paradise. In the Indian concept of paradise there are wish-fulfilling trees, kalpatarus. You just sit underneath them, desire anything, and immediately it is fulfilled--there is no gap between the desire and its fulfillment. You think, and immediately it becomes a thing; the thought realizes automatically.

These kalpatarus are nothing but symbolic for the mind. Mind is creative, creative with its thoughts.

The man was tired, so he fell asleep under a wish-fulfilling tree. When he woke up he was feeling very hungry, so he said, "I wish I could get some food from somewhere." And immediately food appeared out of nowhere--just floating in the air, delicious food. He immediately started eating, and when he was feeling very satisfied, another thought arose in him: "If only I could get something to drink..." And there is no prohibition in paradise so immediately, precious wine appeared.

Drinking the wine, relaxed in the cool breeze of paradise under the shade of the tree, he started wondering, "What is happening? Have I fallen into a dream, or are some ghosts around and playing tricks with me?" And ghosts appeared! They were ferocious, horrible, nauseating. He started trembling, and a thought arose in him: "Now I am sure to be killed. These people are going to kill me." And he was killed.

This parable is an ancient parable, of immense significance. Your mind is the wish-fulfilling tree--whatsoever you think, sooner or later it is fulfilled. Sometimes the gap is such that you have completely forgotten that you had desired it in the first place--sometimes the gap is of years, or sometimes of lives, so you can't connect the source. But if you watch deeply you will find all your thoughts are creating you and your life. They create your hell, they create your heaven. They create your misery, they create your joy. They create the negative, they create the positive. Everybody is a magician, spinning and weaving a magic world around himself, and then he is caught--the spider itself is caught in its own web.

Once this is understood, things start changing. Then you can play around; then you can change your hell into heaven--it is just a question of painting it from a different vision. Or if you are so much in love with misery you can create as much as you want, to your heart's content. But then you are never complaining, because you know that it is your creation, it is your painting, you cannot make anybody feel responsible for it.

Then the whole responsibility is yours. Then a new possibility arises: you can drop creating the world, you can stop creating it. There is no need to create heaven and hell, there is no need to create at all. The creator can relax, retire. That retirement of the mind is meditation."

This week...

Some notes on this week…
Impatience regarding going to India has been growing. The first couple of days of the week I was just unhappy about… being in Istanbul, practicing all alone for the last 4 months; everyone being on vacation including my few students, so the number of students coming to very low number; not being in Mysore with the rest of my friends and practicing with them; again being in Istanbul… so it was just like this, on and on…
Then, Tuesday, a student of mine came to class late, everyone else was done with their practice and the last entrance time was passed, so I was also already doing my sun salutations when she arrived. Therefore, we practiced side by side, and this meant that me practicing with someone else for the first time since I got back from India! It was very nice, very nice gift for me!
However, Wednesday morning, I was still not happy (uhh) still the resentment about all those things… then, when it was time for me to practice, during the invocation, I decided to dedicate my practice to my unhappy state. I thought that maybe something good can come out of it. And just like that, practice became very good and for the very first time, I felt the power of back bending asanas of second series. It was all talk for me when I heard second series is heart opening, etc… I do those specific asanas ( Salabasana, Bhekasana, Dhanurasana, Parsva Dhanurasana, Ustrasana, Laghu Vajraasana, Kapotasana…) fine but I never felt my heart opening or something… but this time, I felt this happiness rising in my chest as I did them, it was surprising, it was nice… and when the practice was over, after my shower was over, after my dressing up was over, after I head out of the shala, I realized how lucky I am to be doing what I love the most. I am practicing and I am teaching this practice, how on earth I forgot this fact! Well, of course I am also drained, tired; tired physically and tired of students who do not really get the concept of daily practice, so I need a break, and I need to be recharged for sure. But still, it is good, it will be good and I do not need to worry about things much. Also, my sister is back from her vacation (see everyone is vacating!), this means we can continue with our chess learning phase…

The Black Cat Incident!

Okay, things got really funny here last night around 1AM. I live in a room in my sister’s house. She has an apartment with a garden and my room is downstairs, well was downstairs- ground level with a little window looking to the garden. I liked this room, it was big enough, private enough… and I made a little corner for myself with photos of my respected masters, and enough space for me to do my practice… But then two weeks ago, while I was practicing I saw this black street cat hanging on the wire mosquito net on my window and then turning around and pissing towards my window! Yaks! So this was the reason for time to time cat piss smell I was having! Not any of my sisters three cats! Well, me being a Virgo, I got really irritated by this. So I stopped opening my window (even though it is August in Istanbul!) I cleaned everything in my little altar to be and we cleaned the window and my sister put vinegar on the window so it would repel the black cat… But I kept smelling the sour piss smell although I kept my window shut and burned incense and sprayed Aurosoma room sprays…

Last night, in the middle of my sleep, I was awaken with a noise, and I saw a black shadow hanging on my window, pulling the wire nets and then the shadow leaving with a nice piss smell behind! Uhh, first I though I could sleep over this, do whatever cleaning up I need to do next day, but I could not sleep. After an hour, I gave up and got up. I looked up by the window to see the marks he left behind and while I was trying to close the blinders furiously, the plastic stick to close them came off … So, I went outside of my room to see if there was a chair I can take in to step on it and fix the blinders. I found a high stool, I brought it in and then I stepped on this high but light stool which did not stay under my feet for long and slid away with me falling off and bringing the big mirror leaning to the wall down as well… First thing I looked was to see if the mirror was okey since it is bad luck to broke a mirror, and then I looked to see if I broke something in my body… We were bought okey with me having a large scratch on my right ribs. But at this point, I was really upset… tears started roll down my cheeks and so, I decided it is time to sit on my mat for a while and then breath for a bit and then go on with my practice… I was still angry but I decided to channel this energy towards my practice. I knew I would be strong unlike my weakness of the past few days because I found out this winter while I was working in Pune at the Osho Commune, that I get angry and that this anger has lots of energy, and it is okay to be angry and it can even give birth to something beautiful if I can use it. Instead of trying to suppress it or pretend that it did not exists, I was recommended to acknowledge it and look at it… Well, I sat and I breathed and then I began my practice… It was around 2:45 A.M. I had energy and clearness of a well rested morning… I did my whole practice including the handstand practices by the wall and then lay on my mat for shavasana. It was a good practice and I wondered whether I should thank this black cat which has been making my room sting and waking me up in the middle of the morning… because it woke me up to do a practice that was solid. I realized that when I was worrying about getting weaker and all that, I was worrying for nothing…. It was my mind making me uneasy… I remembered the time I got poisoned in Pune just when I was suppose to begin working… and how that got me weak… but at that time, I minded this little; as soon as I was up, I began practicing without much worrying about whether I was moving forward or backward. When I went back to Goa to study with Rolf again, it all came back anyways… We are suppose to see that we are not this body, we are not this mind, we are something beyond all that, but this awareness does not come instantaneously or by hearing it. I do not know when I will get it and calm down for good… yet, as Cary used to say yoga is one step ahead two steps back… at the time, I took what she said for only asana practice but now I see it contains more.

I remember after I took 9 days of because of the new tattoo on my shoulder and got weaker with my practice, someone telling me that it was all right, no big deal because there is so much time ahead to practice. I always had that in mind but forgot it recently… and now I also see that there is so much time ahead to build the Mysore classes here… I still need to work on myself… if I try to keep going without paying attention to myself, it would lead to something not so enjoyable. For some, starting something and leaving it behind after few months is not clever but for me it is okey. This was the first trial, I began with very low expectation and it went fine. I think, after I come back, it will be fine again and maybe better. I do not feel guilty or doubtful about leaving next month because I see that if I do not, I will stop enjoying what I am doing. I am not strong enough and that is probably why people wait much longer than me to begin teaching Mysore style… but circumstances here led me to teaching Mysore style which is the best way to teach for me anyway. But I also have to be honest with myself and take care when I need caring…

After the practice last morning, I still had sometime to leave the house to go to the shala. Therefore, I turned on my computer to look for flights to India. I decided to leave a bit earlier than what I have decided before… instead of struggling here and loosing perspective, I go and work on my practice, regroup with my friends and have the opportunity to see few who would be gone by the time I arrive to Mysore.

Weakening...

I have gotten weaker during the last two weeks. It happened suddenly or maybe I just realized it suddenly after it became more evident. Therefore, last Tuesday, I decided not waking up at 3 A.M. to do my practice before teaching, but practicing after I teach the Mysore classes. Also, I decided to eat better… I thought waking up so early and slacking with my diet had caused me to get weaker. And how did I realize that I got weaker? Well, in Goa, Rolf wanted me to do handstands by the wall after backdrops and I kept that going on here as well… until last week when I suddenly could not go up. I was so frustrated because I was hoping to get further with this not backwards. The real thing he wanted me to do was going up into handstands with two feet together, so kicking up was the easy version to get stronger… which I could do fine until last week! I get upset of not being able to go up and then I got upset because I was getting upset over this… and on and on… here again, my issues of strength which is not only physical but also internal I guess… and then feeling like a jerk because I am being competitive (yes with myself!) … then I know, actually no handstands until one begins third series… so what is going on! I am loosing it and I feel uber tired because it is suddenly all too much, the Mysore classes, my own quiet long practice and the extra beginners classes that I am teaching for my friend…
On top of all, I do not feel guess what? so solid! You know what happened last week, during silent sitting before I began the beginners asana class, this one girl began telling me something about her friend who was late to class. Since it was silent sitting, I told her to be silent and that they will come after this part is over. There is a sign outside saying “if you are late to class, please wait until the meditation ends to enter in”. So, I assumed that they will read the sign and enter in few minutes when I begin the class. But see, this girl who was talking during silent sitting got mad at me and left the class… I had no intentions of patronizing or anything… I just wanted other students and this girl as well to be able turn in and stay in their own moments for few minutes but obviously I am not the one to decide that… I learned something new…
Uff wish me good luck. I am so yearning for Mysore and Goa… but you know what, I also really want be able to stay content wherever I am or if not, taking action to be in that some place where I will be content!!!! GOOD LUCK to me… I am selfishly envies of you all my friends who are in MYSORE!

Mysore Style

I remember that when I took the Introduction to Ashtanga yoga weekend workshop in London, the teacher encouraged everyone to try out the morning Mysore Style self-practice Ashtanga yoga classes. He emphasized that we should not be intimidated because there was no show off scene but a very appropriate way of learning, practicing ashtanga. At the time, I had no idea what was Mysore style at all. Before the teacher mentioned anything, every time I saw Mysore style in the class schedule, I thought that it was for people who were sore – my sore – that was what I understood. But after the workshop, it got to me and I wanted to try, still I put it off for a month because of all excuses i) it was tooo early for me to wake up, I was studying until late at night, ii) it was tooooo cold to wake up and get out of the bed to go out, etc… but what required was just me doing the leap, without considering any excuses, not slowly, slowly getting used to the idea… Finally, when the Christmas time arrived, the vacation began and there were no excuse of school, studying and all that; therefore, I went to my first Mysore class in mid December and there, that day, after my first Mysore style Ashtanga yoga class, I was mesmerized, I was in love… After that day, I went running to Mysore style classes at 6 in the morning everyday when there was a class. It became my priority for waking up. It became the way to begin a day and go on to whatever was next whether that was studying for classes, or studying for exams, or taking exams... there were no excuses anymore. It became the thing I enjoyed the most, which was for some people too sad! “Is that what you enjoy the most in your life?” they asked with a pitying voice… and I never minded… I enjoyed the silence, I enjoyed practicing with other people, I enjoyed the private attention of my teacher, I also enjoyed when my teacher ignored me, so I would work on what I needed to work on as there was no hurry, I enjoyed the moments I was no-mind and just moving, and I enjoyed the silent intimacy I shared with the people who put their mat next to my mat, or in front of my mat , or behind my mat, or people who were at the other corner of the room. I made friends with people who shared their practice every morning in that room. I got encouragement with a supportive look of a friend practicing next to me when I was fearful of letting myself drop back, I got little celebrating squeak from another friend when I let myself drop back eventually… and so on…
Well, now here I am teaching Mysore style Ashtanga Yoga because that is how I fell in love with yoga; that is how my life changed all over… I try to teach as I was taught, I try to help built a practice for oneself and I try to not forget the goodness of my teachers so I can maybe bring some of it into my classes. Sometimes, it gets challenging because I forget the required patience for building something new and get disappointed when students do not show up regularly, or/and they do get too eager to move forward with learning the primary series without digesting what is given already… when they forget to just enjoy what they do and get preoccupied with what is next. And honestly, not many of us are really, totally immune to all this, including myself. I remember getting frustrated with having no teacher in Istanbul and being stuck with where I was in my practice. But then I valued being stuck as much as moving forward… I guess most of the time life gives us what we need and yes sometimes this statement is damn cruel when things are really not good at all! But maybe I can convince you and myself that regarding our practice, we get what we need… On the other hand, sometimes I also see with clear eyes that it is happening, that there are people moving together in silence and I move around them, helping them, showing them, watching them… and I see they get it, they understand what is this, what is happening in that room… and it is all very beautiful. Then I feel blessed...

Traditional Practice

A good friend/teacher of mine send me this article, Introduction to Ashtanga Yoga, written by Gregor Maehle. I found this last part of the article really interesting and wanted to share it with you all.

“Why a traditional practice is still applicable
A peasant once spoke to the sage Ramakrishna thus: 'I am a simple villager. Please give me in one sentence a method by which I can obtain happiness.' Ramakrishna's answer was: 'Totally accept the fact that you are a machine operated upon by God.' This needs to be deeply understood. It is through the belief that individuals exercise free will that ego is produced; and, in turn, ego produces suffering. In the Bhagavad Gita Lord Krishna states, 'All actions are done in all cases by the gunas (qualities) of prakrti (nature). He whose mind is deluded through egoism thinks I am the doer.'
This means that the entire cosmos, including our body-mind complex, is an unconscious machine operated upon by God. Our self, who is pure consciousness, is forever inactive. It merely witnesses. The giving up of the idea that it is we who act is echoed in the Yoga Sutra by Patanjali's use of the term kaivalya. This final state of yoga is the realisation of the complete independence of consciousness. Since it is completely independent, it has no way of influencing the world. Like a mirror, which simply reflects, consciousness can neither reject nor hold onto objects of its choice. Give up the sense of agency, says Krishna: 'Only a fool believes I am the doer.'
The surrender of the illusion of free will is reflected in the vinyasa system by acceptance of the original system [Ashtanga Yoga] as expounded by the Rishi Vamana. Of course it is easy to make up our own sequences of asanas, and possibly commercial success and fame will result. But then we run the risk of falling for the ego, which says I am the doer and the creator. We are only pure consciousness - the seer, the witness, the self - which, as the Samkhya Karika says, plays no active part in this world.
That does not mean we cannot adapt the practice for some time if difficulties are to be met or yoga therapy needs to be practiced. We need to return to the original system whenever possible, though. Rishi Vamana's system leads through outer structure and limitation to inner freedom. If we constantly practice self-made sequences, we create inner limitation through outer freedom.
The rishis of old did not conceive the ancient arts and sciences by trial and error. The method they employed was samyama, which combines concentration (dharana), meditation (dhyana) and absorption (samadhi). In that way, deep knowledge of how things really are can be gained. Patanjali himself explains in the Yoga Sutra how he gained his knowledge. Knowledge of the mind, he says, is gained by doing samyama on the heart. He also explains how the body can be understood. Medical knowledge, he says, is gained by practicing samyama on the navel chakra. This is how the science of Ayurveda came into being. It should be noted that Patanjali compiled the Charaka Samhita, an ayurvedic text. When we study and practice the ancient sciences today, we need to do this with a feeling of respect and devotion.
The teachings of the ancient masters have never been declared invalid. They have only ever been added to. “

I never thought about the yoga I practice, love, live, breath in this way. I was taken by it for reasons beyond my understanding (there is the magical quality of this practice) and also within my understanding (thank god there is some groundness somewhere in me!). Beyond my heart beating faster each time I start talking about ashtanga yoga, I just love it, enjoy it and find it very complete. When I began learning the primary series of Ashtanga Yoga, I realized that it was opening my body, all of it, touching all the corners of my body… and I loved the fact that I was doing it in silence with other people and a teacher watching over, caring and assisting and teaching… so I got into a deep love affair with this practice and now as I am learning the intermediate series, I am learning to love openings of parts my body I did not consider before and openings of my feelings and then getting stronger. Intermediate series (a.k.a. Second series) is rather emotionally triggering while primary series has been calming for me… but it is also very much fun, adventures and more challenging for me (of course while it was so natural for me to forward bend – primary series- being introverted, now I am being told to open my heart!). So for these reason, I never had temptation for other Vinyasa classes. I attended few Vinyasa classes, which were good but left me with a sense of incompleteness; however, this is only I being I. Few of Tias’s sequences gave me the feeling of “vooww that was good!” but he is somewhere between Ashtanga and Iyengar (even if he is leaning much towards Iyengar) so I guess there was something sung to my heart. Therefore, I decided to practice what I enjoy and love and then after a while I decided to teach what I enjoy and love.
I think all practices can be creative. I find creativeness in the way I and many other people do this traditional practice, ashtanga yoga. In this respect, it is not about what one practices but how one practices. On the other hand, if one is creative to design their own Vinyasa sequences that is great too (should I say as long as that ego is reined ☺). As Osho says, creativeness comes from a meditative state; therefore, in whatever way one is creative, it comes from a beautiful source. So, I believe that if one is happy with their own practice, then they are fine with all other practices… all practices are good as long as they bring the good within us.
Namaste to all…

As I grow...

My mind had been full of stuff the whole week. I have been preoccupied with thinking whether students come to class regularly or not, whether I want to be in Istanbul or somewhere else (like India) and then wanting to share my life with someone special and then again wanting to be alone. I have been oscillating from one end to another. I guess when one gives his/her heart to yoga, their life style begin to take shape differently from those around them. I just remembered what has been written on those shirts that featured Guruji on a bottle.
“Ashtanga - the magic elixir. But the hangover is a bitch. Side Effects may include: emotional breakdown, extreme fatigue, a feeling of personal growth that makes you wonder where you’re growing as you assess the damages and potential damages, an intense desire to give up your day job, a magnetic pull that seems to be originating from somewhere in Southern India, feelings of contentment, acceptance, and perhaps exhaustion that make you act a bit stoned most of the time, a desire to give up anything that doesn’t seem to compliment your yoga practice, an inability to relate to those who don’t do yoga, chocolate cravings, excessive coffee consumption, and pain. Rest up so you can drink up again tomorrow. But be sure to avoid heavy machinery.”
I have most of these side effects☺. Sometimes, I find myself questioning whether my life has became too monastic, then I say why do I judge myself or compare myself to others…I sometimes feel awfully lonely but afterward, I long to be alone. I am in bit of a fragile state and it is probably normal since I am going through a time of transformation and change; the way I perceive myself is changing, and then my responsibilities, both for myself and for others, are increasing… However, among all these, the most important fact is that I am doing something I totally love and give myself to, and the times I remember to remember this fact, all my anxieties dissolve... Imagine me working in a bank! I know it is not easy to picture this but it was a reality at one point in my life. A place which was so natural or desired by others was so not easy for me, I was totally lost. Yet, I was so lucky that through various trials, journeys, adventures and heart brakes, I also begin to find out the place which is very natural for me. Of course nothing happens instantaneously. Somehow it is very difficult for me become rooted, especially when the wander lust in me is so lively… Not having a place of my own, a place where I can create my own order as well as my own mess, is not easy. Then the awareness and unawareness of the fact that I am starting something which is very significant in my life is making me excited as well as freaking me and scaring me… Of course, here, the support of Zeynep and David is very significant for me. The thing is not only going in and teaching a class anymore, there is also marketing and promoting oneself, all that in which I am not very experienced… In this part of things, I can say that David is my teacher; he gives me valuable tips and advice.
All these are a kind of yoga. As we all know, yoga is not just all that binding and bending on a mat… How do we live our life, how we want to live our lives, what kind of life we want, whether we want to dedicate our lives to something or not, whether we want to have an aim for our lives or not, and what do we do to realize what we want from our lives…. I am learning to be patient, learning to have faith, most importantly to have faith in myself and then I am learning to have no fear and no fear of loosing my freedom. The effort for creating something flows together with the effort of creating myself…

As the week starts rolling...

Waking up this morning was not difficult… Actually, I woke up before my phone’s alarm went on… Some weeks, waking up so early is all right the whole time but some weeks I get weaker as days roll by. I have to take care, take rest if I will do this kind of schedule…
Practice was nice… I was present even when my mind wandered off some of the times. My mind is preoccupied with my next India trip already as I realized this morning… Well, also getting the newsletter from Rolf and Marci about their next season teaching schedule kind of triggered it I guess…. I was planning to go to Mysore first in mid October and then to Goa for R&M, and now I am not sure because they are doing a separate workshop in Brahmani, which I would love to attend. According to my last plans, I will be in Mysore at that time, but then changing my whole plans for one day workshop may be crazy… and who knows, they might do it again while I am there, in Goa. Also, I am tempted with their offer regarding someone helping them with stuff in exchange of studying with them, but that means 6 months commitment… himmm… I could but now maybe I cannot… wander lust me ☺…
This morning only 2 people showed up for practice. I am having commitment issues with my students. Okey, I do not have many many of them to begin with but I expect those who signed up monthly to show up at least 3 times a week!!! Hey guys, common, get out of the bed before 7 A.M., it is not so difficult once you are up and going! It makes such a difference when the room is more full, it is not only for those who practice but also for me, the energy level rises… then, much more fun for all…. Well, it is only Monday, so I cross my fingers that it will pick up as the week goes by.
On the other hand, I got to the shala a bit earlier this morning and until my first student showed up, I did pranayama and then took a looonnggg, nice shavasana which I really enjoyed!!!

A beginning

It has been more than a week since I began teaching Mysore classes. I am very lucky because I had students since the first day, maybe a couple or so some days but still, it is presence what matters as my friend Charisse says. Last Sunday, I also did a kind of info session for some of Zeynep’s Teacher Trainees and that was quite fun for me because I was telling them about what I love and enjoy the most. Of course, I also led them through some of the primary. I also got the Mysore style book and brought it with me for them to look at it at the end of the session.
This week I got 6 people who signed up monthly and there are few who drop in regularly. I know this is not much at all but I feel like it is a good beginning. I cannot believe that I am starting this, which had been my dream since I moved back to Istanbul from London. The thing is I never imagined it would be me who would do it, I just simply wished that there would be Mysore classes which I could go to… I guess Nancy Gilgoff had some insight because from the very first day she met me, she told me to open my own school. Yes, I teach at my friend’s place but they wanted me to be a shala in their shala, so I am actually separate from them… but I am so grateful to them because they forced me to realize my dream, kind of fulfilling my Saturn tapas. Hopefully it will go all rite and flourish.
With my own practice, it is okey. I am still with handstands and jumping into Bhakasana B and also trying to lift and take back with the jump backs but uhh is it ever possible and when ☹? Ohh and I wake up at 3:20 am to practice before teaching, is that insane or just being me?
Ohh, that Mysore style book is lovely, I was already fond of photography books and this one is all about... guess what!

Tias in Istanbul one more time

Couple of weeks after I arrived, Tias came to do a workshop and a separate session exclusively for teachers on anatomy in my friends’ studio ( Cihangir Yoga) where I will begin to teach. I was a bit doubtful about attending because of my tendencies to get confused so quickly. However, at the end, I did attend all the workshops and actually accumulated the left over hours to complete my 200 hour TT with Tias, so I will get my certificate very soon. The first day Tias, Surya and their 4-year-old son were in Istanbul, I took them to the old part of the city to see some of the old palaces but one of them was closed because it was Tuesday (!?) and the other one we saw. We also went into Archeology museum and the Blue Mosque … A day later, the workshops began. It was nice to study with Tias again but inevitably, I got some question marks in my head. I wonder what other ashtanga practitioners think of this. Well, much more Iyengar leaning Tias tells that we should extend up as much and then start folding down with a straight back to protect the back, while Nancy Gilgoff told us in Berlin during the Primary series adjustment clinic that it is safer (for the back) to have slightly rounded back and fold down first and then start extending the chest forward… see, confused already... It is hard for me to understand the difference since I am so flexy, bendy…
Tias left after 4 days of workshop. It was nice to be with him, the Zen atmosphere he brings in with himself, and lovely Surya who thought I looked much better, and stronger than the TT time last summer…
With my own practice? I am struggling with jumping into Bhakasana B so I also am struggling with jumping up to handstands with two feet together. The chest pain I had last summer on my left side began showing up on my right side last week and I think it is due to handstands and then my anxiety about starting ‘Ashtanga Yoga Istanbul’ which will offer (I will) regular Mysore Ashtanga Yoga classes… It will be in my friends’ studio… it is very exacting and also scaring… kind of ‘who am I to begin all this’ but then, if I do not, who will do it? So, I am making the jump, taking the risk, making the leap to see if I can realize my dreams… cross your fingers for me. Namaste.

From Pune back to Goa and then Istanbul...

I have not written for ages, yes literally for ages… After I left Goa for Pune, for three months I did not have much of a breather… I did the 3 month long Work as meditation residential program at the Osho Commune in Pune. I thought I would not last longer than a month but I survived through out the whole 3 months… First I was working at the Welcome Center which was quite stressful… the only advantage was seeing the cute guys before anyone else since they had to go through us to enter to the commune ☺ While working at the welcome center, I did not feel like talking at all after work or during my breaks. I had the silent patch handy for the most of the time… But after 3 weeks, they moved me to Basho, the pool area where I spent the rest of my training working at the kiosk. That was much better; the nature, the pool, having music… I also began teaching yoga three mornings a week. Teaching went really well, people were very happy with my teaching. Sometimes there would be 20 or more students; I have never seen yoga being that popular in the commune besides me never having taught that many people before… First, I was teaching in a more Tias way but then I decided to teach ashtanga. Sometimes I had to modify according to the needs of the students, then it would be teaching led class based on ashtanga.
On the other hand, while working at Basho… all the issues I had to face, actually exploded on my face… I was really exposed meaning that I had to interact with people all the time (in a different way than Welcome Center), sometimes that would be very overwhelming; the boys who would hang out by the kiosk forever, while I was stuck there… I had to learn to be more assertive; still I am not sure if I have really learned it… I faced a lot of stuff about myself. It was very challenging sometimes and then it was very easy going some other times… Mainly, this time it was my issues regarding men… At the end, I left the commune by the end of March feeling a bit hurt, a bit frustrated. I thought that most people were vain and there was hardly any love in the whole place… everyone was after one think… I gave away all my robes declaring that I will never come back to this place. However, nothing changed regarding my devotion to Osho if not it is growing bigger…
I was supposed to go to Rishikes after Pune according to my plans but I ended up going back to Goa to study with Rolf for another month. I promised myself to learn how to ride the scooter and hopped into the sleeper bus on March 27th from in front of the German Bakery. My friend Divya fare welled me and then I was on my way to south. When I arrived to Goa I felt so good, it was green around and the air was breathable. And then meeting my friends… some were the ones that I met back in December. They went to Mysore and then came back to Goa to study with Rolf again. Going back to practice with Rolf was great after lonely practices in my room at the commune… Then, Goa began getting really hot and also empty. By the end of April, there were so few foreigners and all the shacks and shops began to be taken apart. I stayed until Rolf stopped teaching at the very last day of April. At the end, we were 5-6 people practicing with him and that was such a great opportunity, having so much help and attention from Rolf! He moved my practice quite a bit; the last day, he gave me Eka Pada Sirsasana of course with going in and going out to the pose.
The funny think is I had to continue dealing with similar issues iwhen I got back to Goa as I did in Pune… what to do… this was what India chose this time for me to work on, so I gave in…
Now, I look back and think that it was like everywhere in the Osho commune but a bit clearer, a bit less hidden. This place is where you see everything very clearly with all its beauty and ugliness. Yes, people can be vain everywhere and this is just much more obvious in the commune, even one’s own vainness… And no matter what, it is still a buddha field… But I guess I will give it a break for a while, and not visit Pune when I go to India next season.
So, I got back to Istanbul in the beginning of May after not knowing what I was going to do next. I was debating between going out to renew my visa to go to Mysore and going back home, so I could come back for Rolf next season. Then, my friends who own the coolest shala in Istanbul asked me to teach Mysore classes in their school. Therefore, it was decided for me to go back. I stayed in Bombay for a couple of days before heading back. After reading Shantaram, it was fun to be in Bombay. I was looking everything with the idea I got from the book. Of course I stayed at Coloba district! I actually liked the city, I can imagine living there.
Now it is Istanbul… I will begin teaching next Monday. I am very excited and at the same time I am very nervous… cross your fingers for me!

Last days in Goa

I have not been writing because it is just not as fun to write in internet cafes … So without much notes from me, time to leave Goa almost arrived… I will be leaving Goa on Friday night. This will be my first bus journey in India. I guess it was time for it. I will leave at 8pm and hopefully will be in Pune 7 am in the morning. Then I have 3 days until I begin working in the Osho meditation resort. But of course I will already begin the Osho life since I will not be able to attend the meditations between 9am and 4 pm while I work.
About Goa and practice with Rolf and Marci… It is just wonderful to study with them! I found my teacher at last! I knew something terrific would happen in Goa before coming here, I kept telling my mom that there will be something very special in Goa and yes there is something very special in Goa, my teacher. The practice has been very intense with them and I just feel the difference that begin taking place in my practice so it is kind of heart breaking to leave at this point; however, I plan to come back definitely after Pune. I might even stay less than 3 months in Pune and be back in Goa in March or the alternative is that finding Rolf and Marci wherever they are in April, for sure they will be teaching somewhere in India according to what they have said….Yes, this one month is definitely not enough… I have been craving this kind of practice so much, it has been very nurturing for me. Rolf is a great person and teacher. He pays attention to each student equally… I have so many positive things to say about him! And his presence is very easing, peaceful…
With my practice, I have been working on Laghu Vajrasana quite hard and it began paying off. When I arrived here, I was doing nothing similar to it and now it is coming on well with hands on ankles, arms staight… Then, Bakasana A is added to my practice last week. Also I work on jumping up to hand stands with two feet together, which still seems hopeless, Mau class them my bunny hopes  but with patience and time they will come along as well…
On the other hand, I am also excited about going to Pune. I am sure it will be very nice there as well… it will be a heart opening experience again… I am so lucky that I am equally excited about the place I am going to as I am sorry about leaving Goa!

Time in Goa

I have been very lazy with the computer since I came to Goa… so here goes my first entry which I have actually written the week I arrived…
November 26th… It has been almost a week since I arrived to Goa. Rolf makes everyone practice primary series in their first practice. The first couple of days, they were teaching in Purple valley, and then they went back to their own shala at Arpora. We have self practice Monday through Friday, Friday being self practice primary series for everyone. In the beginning of the new week, Rolf told me to go ahead and practice until where Nancy took me in second series which is up till Supta Vajrasana. Then he told me to do hand stands after my back drops… After I did it against the wall, he helped me go up to hand stand in the middle of the room and then drop to back bend which felt nice. After practice I had a massage from Subuddha, an Osho devotee to whom other ashtangis had been going to. It was a very strong massage, maybe too strong for my liking… The next day, the practice was strong, hard… I practiced laghu vajrasana so many times, Marci helped me… Then with hand stands, Marci made me work against the wall, but trying to come up with both feet and knees together, hopping… It was difficult (still is)… but I feel that it will help me get stronger…
Goa is nice; I stopped worrying what to do rest of the day since the practice is tyring enough for the whole day. The Indian girls in the beach can be overwhelming, trying to sell you sarong, shirt, jewelry, etc… Then there is the juice bar in Chapora to which we usually go to after practice. There we see a lot of lost Western souls, they look like they have been there for ages and they look like they have been stoned for ages….
I tried to use a scooter in the weekend twice but I seem to be no good at it and so my friends take me at the back of their scooter to the shala…. Most of us stay in Vagator; shala is 15 minutes fast drive away, in Arpora….


December 8----Now it has been two weeks, I feel the practice kicking in. Marci and Rolf do not allow any cheating… Laghu vajrasana, straight arms, hands on the ankles, go down to top of your head. I practice this many times in my practice, but 5 breaths is not possible yet, two is possible. This week Rolf said, next week you will be able to do it. Then, Friday’s primary series felt like a piece of cake, so light and short… Today my flat mate Gibran is leaving, ohh also Steve and Sachi are leaving... I will miss them so much, it has been great fun! Most of us live in Sea View; it almost became a dormitory for us… Raj is the owner, a nice man...

Born Twice

I have been quiet for while… because for some part, I was really in silence and no connection to external world… I went to Osho Miasto, the Osho commune in Tuscany for the Osho group “Primal, twice born deconditioning from childhood.” It was an eight-day long group. The first 4 days were extremely difficult for me; I was counting days. The funny part is the difficulty was mostly on physical level. My head began aching as if it was going to explode on the 3rd day and then I was aching all over my body… and I practice everyday, so I am not one of those people when I dance and be active a bit that I should be aching this much… but my legs, the sides of my legs were aching terribly and all I wanted to do was to hide under the sheets and sleep all day long. I guess part of the headache was detoxing from coffeee!!! But all these aches, on the fifth day- the climax day, disappeared magically. Such a detox from emotional, mental and physical rubbish! And the night of that day, when I woke up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, I realized that I was smiling! The Dynamic meditation combined with the group, just made me see clearer, and really physically I felt like I was seeing clearer and then, I was seeing myself more clearly, even with my practice; why I love this practice so many people are critical of and how I will stand by it proudly now on because it is the first one that woke me up and still keeps me awake!!!
After the 5th day, it was much easier and fun and also being literally born twice was the greatest experience! So, it was all worth it. I am happy that I have done this group and I thank my sister for insisting me to do this group. I was a bit frustrated with her when she pressured me so much, but now, I thank her.
Therefore, with all this, my travel plans changed a bit. I am going to Goa on the 20th of November, already purchased my ticket. I will study with Rolf and Marci there. Then, I applied for the residential program in Pune Osho meditation resort because I want to be with people and work with people and be in a place where there is meditation being done everyday so I will not fall back from meditating… And I just learned this morning that I got accepted! I will work and stay in the resort for 90 days! I am so happy!!! From deep inside, I felt that this would be very good for me when I was out of Miasto and so I hope it will be….
After all this, I would love to go to Mysore but I am not sure if the shala will be open. I see that they have a US tour coming up which is between March 15-28 2008. I wonder of they will open the shala after it. If anyone has an idea, please let me know.