ashtanga journal

Made of Stone

2012-01-21T10:36:00.000Z

Yesterday was a lousy day but then I got my visa which is a very good thing. Everything is in the perspective. I was stuck in my mind with something else… which paralyzed me half of the day and it tired me, drained me immensely. When I look at it from outside, I knew then and now that it was me who could not control my mind going all over the place and making me anxious… I could see it but I could not stop this from happening. I know now most of the reasons why I am this or that way, but still it happens… seeing is part of the transformation they say… I don’t know if I believe in that anymore…

Still this morning I felt very very much emotionally drained… very tired…. And I keep thinking all these people I know who are much cooler, much relaxed then I am… I envy them… and think maybe I belong alone...

Anyways, this morning dad called to let me know my mom’s brother passed away. He was sick in the hospital at the end of last year, in emergency care. He got better, went home. When I first visited him in the hospital, he was not conscious much and when I was by his bed side, hardly recognizing him, I could not help it, I fainted right in front him… I felt so embarrassed… The third time I was there, he was not in emergency care. He was sitting up and talking so much, talking about spices to flavor his food, about fancy pens to write with, to draw with… He loved to draw… when I was a kid he would draw a bear to the edge of the notebook and then he would trace the same lines at the back of the paper to draw an uncle… that was his joke because he had a fat belly like a bears and in Turkish bear is “Ayi” and unce is “Dayi” so very similar… now he is gone and I remember this story, his blue eyes and him in the hospital. I was suppose to call him this week to say hi… and I did postpone it thinking I will, there is time… but in reality there is no time sometimes… we postpone things thinking there is time, but maybe there is only now to do what we want to do… what we have in mind… to say someone you love them, to make the decisions you want to make, to realize your purpose in life… and I was thinking this morning during my practice… what is it we are here for? And yes sometimes I think I am one of those lame people whose yoga practice defines who they are… and I was thinking that no matter how much focus on the practice, the purpose of being here on this earth is not to be a great yoga instructors, to be little imitations of R. Freeman, M. Ezraty, Sharath R… being on this earth is about love, loving someone and giving them and receiving from them… loving your partner fully and opening your heart to them. Loving your friends and opening up to them, giving love and receiving love… being happy for another… There is lots of barriers we put in front of this… it is us, it is the things we bring from our past, and sometimes it is from our back ground, we have no clue what they are but they are there, from our ancestors… which might sound weird but they say yes we carry some of that energy as well… so as I am reading the books I have about meditation, I feel very much guilty, it seems like I have a pretty sticky ego… Now I came to the conclusion that I just need to do my meditation and stop reading the books… I do what I can do and maybe a little bit more, and see if I can first cultivate more love towards my being…

the song by Stone Roses "Made of Stone"

till mysore

2012-01-20T13:43:00.002Z

This morning there were only two people the first 30 minutes of the class. And then suddenly as if they were all at a party together last night, the rest of them came at the same time. I donnu why I thought as if they were out together… this is how my mind makes connections I guess… weird… but it was nice that they came J and I managed to get them in and out timely so I could run out to get to the consulate timely…

Well, I ran to the Indian consulate to apply for my visa. The same lady who has been at the desk since I began my India trips asked me “Miss Ahu, when was the last time you were in India?” and I smiled and said “last January but I got there from Thailand.” And then she looked at my form and documents, she gave back some of them… she asked me whether I was going to India to learn Yoga or to practice Yoga… as much as I did not know how to answer this, I said “to practice yoga”… I was about to hand in the Visa fee; however, she told me not to pay yet and to please wait (!) just about the same time the consulate left his room… Ohh so then I got a bit worried, began thinking what if they don’t give me the visa, we got the tickets, rented a place to stay, what if I cannot go, then what happens, how do I see N, also told the shala I am coming, and I am dying to go, well really wanting to be there and to practice and to see my friends, but most importantly, what do we do? Bought the tickets, not returnable, not cheap… I sat back and began waiting. Visa service guys coming with 10 passports… a guy, a lady… waiting… the consulate came in… and after a while she called me, asked for the fee and I asked “is it a problem that I go so often?” But as I asked the question, someone else barged in and while she was answering him, she forgot about my question and I did not want to ask again… so I left. The passport to be picked up same day at 5PM… well until I get the passport and see the Visa, I am not sure. Waiting game, luckily a very short one.

Other then that, it is a cold grey day. I am waiting… waiting… waiting… It is like Cara-Kali’s “no sleep till Mysore”… such an appropriate name…

in Mysore city, outside of Devaraj market

simply

2012-01-14T15:46:00.007Z

Today is a snowy day :) It is lovely in some ways, of course kind of cold… but it is nice, different from my routine of last few years anyways… big flakes of snow now. I went out in the noon to go to the organic farmers market, which is 30 minutes walking distance away… It was watery snow while on the way there… Walking was fine; cold but since one moves, it was not bad. However, while I was shopping I took my gloves out to be able to pick the fruits and veggies and to pay… At the end, I was in lots of pain, frozen fingers syndrome :p At the time we got into the cab, I was really thankful that in this lousy weather, when there was some load to be carried with frozen fingers, taking a cab was possible J and the cab driver was a nice man which makes a difference in the experience…

When we arrived, there was no electricity at home; it was cold and dark… I was very hungry; therefore, lack of electricity could not stop me from starting to make my soup. So, I lighted up some candles and got going… and at the end the lights came as well… but I realized one more time how much we are dependent on electricity, running water etc… this we are reminded a lot while in India… In Mysore, we would have electricity cuts for 3 times or so everyday and last time in Goa, we were having electric cuts almost every night… you adapt to this…

Well another thing I realized today was connections… I have been guilty of not embracing my country, culture, the religion I was born into. How guilty? well not acknowledging it properly perhaps or refusing it in some sense... As much as I believe in insignificance of where one is from in the case of relating to them, it is also important not to refuse where we come from; however, knowing this logically did not help my case… But today I admitted something. The connection I make with another Turk can be a bit different in some ways… Is it the same language we speak which makes communication easier and deeper or just knowing the similar experiences, same smells, same tastes, same songs or melodies, same jokes… from childhood, from home, home of our roots, I am not so sure… It was good to realize this, for one thing, remembering my roots … No matter how much I do not live them myself, I know them, I relate easily and it moves something inside, like being home. Also I realized that I might never have this kind of connection with a person from another country no matter how dear they are to me. Maybe if they spend sometime here and experience the flavors of the daily life, the culture, they can understand like my dear Maria seems to… The good thing about realizing this was, I will not be disappointed if sometimes the connection with another from elsewhere has some gaps in it, It is only natural… but this is true with most connections we make. This counts with my Ashtanga friends also. The experiences I share with them is unique to that group, the connections I have with them is special in that context and I am not able to have the same kind of connection with others… how I feel energized and feel home with them is also very special, different. But today was about being in this country and realizing that I am from here. I can relate to an old Turkish song, to its melody and words, and then walking in the back streets of Istanbul and feeling the oldness of the city and remembering how it used to make me feel nostalgic to sometime I never experienced while I was a teenager and used to write stories to that old Istanbul… yes a special day like everyday… a snowy day.

outside from my window... kids so excited in the opposite building.

practice

2012-01-11T10:25:00.005Z

Uhh I guess I can say I feel a bit lousy… I was sad last night and I was sad this morning. During practice, I stopped and sobbed… and of course during pincha… my official last pose. I am getting it slowly slowly but it has been taking sometime since I am such a Vata, having difficulty of being balanced, steady, strong… I usually need a break of five breaths after Tittibhasana, then it seems to be happening… of course you never know from week to week… anyways. It was okey to stop and sob as well… frustration with myself, with my emotions, and with my fears and anyways this is nadi shodhana I am practicing… and perhaps there is a bit of pincha in all this, or all this is in my pincha… During Savasana I really wondered how I would go down and teach, I just wanted to go back to bed. It sounded like it was rainy and windy outside as it was within myself… But then, of course as soon as I began teaching, I forgot about myself. This is I guess the greatest gift of teaching for me, I become no mind, present…

Well, now I can again feel my confusion, sadness… I wonder how conditioned I am, how it runs over me. Is it from my childhood, or even from before, my past lives or my ancestors? I donnu. Does meditation help me to understand myself? I try… I sit, I dance and sit, I shake and sit, and then I simply sit… but it is a mess in this head.

This morning I just drew an Osho Zen Tarot card. The card I got was Receptivity, Queen of Water. It is about being feminine; receptive quality of water and emotions… “a time of unboundedness and gratitude for whatever life brings, without any expectations or demands…” One more time, it is time for me to learn to let go, let go of my expectations, hopes and wishes, fears… Last night I remembered the summer before, how I was depressed and then looking back how I felt thankful for the way things turned out… I have to keep remembering instead of resisting what the moment brings… and whatever happens, not to feel shattered by it. Very hard… but one has to practice, practice, practice… practice compassion for oneself and others, practice understanding for oneself and others, practice love for oneself and others, practice being a human being…

how long is now???

2012-01-07T09:28:00.009Z

2012 has arrived… I was lucky to enter the new year with a loved one. I noted some of the things I would wish for the new year… We managed to keep up until the midnight but that was it, after few minutes I was happy to be sleeping, the chicken I am...

The last three weeks went by fast… sometimes I felt fear because of uncertainty of the future, sometimes I just felt joy just because I was with the one. I had yet another chance to visit the dark corners of my mind and also to see the feelings that are stored in my memory making entrance to the present with no real connection.

It is interesting to experience all this which is quite impossible to do for me if I am not with other people, if I am my usual hermit. I sometimes need a mirror and sometimes I need someone to shake me and say hey you are living some other story not this one, wake up, and sometimes I need them to push my buttons to see what I am hiding deep within… but to do this, I think there is need for connection, patience and love… I hope that we are all surrounded by our people to grow with.

The second day of this year, I heard the sad news of someone passing whom I have known of but have never really met. My heart went for her. I also realized I felt bad for not meeting her. We had been in the same places maybe once or few times… I could have met her, but did not. Still I felt for her, I wished for light and love and peace on her way and tried to think she is not really gone… However, I was still shocked, I was still shaken and clueless in some sense… I also realized how unpredictable this life is, how uncertain everything is no matter how hard we might try to plan and make things certain… I guess I keep being reminded of all this periodically and then somehow I slip back to my other worrisome state… have to keep remembering to live fully, to live up to who I am, not a mere shrunken imitation of self because there are no guarantees and life will not wait for me...

I am now counting days! I am super excited to be going back to the place where I feel the practice is the most intense and deep and inspiring and where I have my people who supports me, understands me but also forces me to look deep in, to know myself better, and to learn to be more open. They are mirrors to myself, they are greater examples to the potential I have, they are sisters and brothers for life time… I cannot wait to be there where my teacher will seem to not know me but will surprise me just when I am convinced that he has no clue about my practice or who I am, by telling me what I need to do or what he knows I can do…

Well now is time to be here, but how long is now until I get there? :) and perhaps most importantly how long is now for me to have the courage to be myself fully?

the mirror for me at Topkapi palace

Farewell to Tarçın

2011-12-07T16:02:00.001Z

Today we lost the alpha cat Tarçın. I wrote few month ago that she was sick and was about the leave us but she stayed with us longer than we expected, she was stronger than we imagined.

This morning my sister called me and told me that she was home and Tarçın looked like she might leave. I went to her and there the alpha cat was laying on the floorö all flat and not moving at all. My sister and I caressed her, gave her reiki… Then after a while my sister asked if it was time to take her to the vet to put her to sleep. We waited for a while to see if she would pick up more energy and maybe eat something. But all did happen was she moaned loudly and this was the sign that she was in too much pain since animals are much more tolerant to pain than humans and they usually not much vocal about their pain.

We took Tarçın to the Vet. He checked her and said the tumors were all over her body… and if my sister could tolerate, it is best to put her to sleep. So we did. My sister stayed with her, I sat for a bit since I tend to collapse in such situations and I wanted avoid such a scene since the Vet did not want anyone during the procedure and hardly let my sister stay.

Then we took Tarçın to my sister’s old house, where my parents live now. Buried her to the garden. My sister got a beautiful vivid pink cyclamen on the way to plant over where Tarçın was going to be buried. My father and all, the burial was managed under the rain.

It was so sad to loose Tarçın who had a little mark in the middle of her lips which made her look like she was giving a kiss all the time… She loved my sister very much, followed her everywhere; she was a very loyal one. As all these things happened today, I thought about what do I know about life and death… Loosing a dear one, a person or an animal… loosing a piece of your heart. Also need to know to let go so they can go in peace, but so difficult when they are so close to your being… on the other hand, it is the same way we will all go, and can this make things a bit more easy... well it was still very difficult, very sad, very heart breaking. We fair welled her with tears…

Piano...

2011-11-28T16:15:00.001Z

When I was learning to play the piano as small child, my piano teacher would ask my mom after each class how I managed to stay in mom’s belly for 9 months. I was impatient with the notes; hurrying, running over notes that were suppose to be held longer… Most of the time, she would teach me short Mozart pieces which bore me a bit after a while ( no offence, I love Mozart) because they were always similar to one another. Later on, when I was in high school I started to take classes from another teacher who would teach conservatory students and he gave me lots of exercises to begin with and then there came Bach, and Chopin…. The exercises were good for me but also the complexity of Bach… made me concentrate wholly… Afterwards, the first year and a half of college I was at Grinnell, where we could take 30-minute piano classes once a week for a mere hundred bucks during each semester. Being in Iowa, which could be utterly boring if you weren’t a pot smoker, I began practicing every day for an hour. There, I really began to play the piano … I was totally absorbed during those one-hour time slots in the piano room. There were 4 or 5 piano rooms we could sign up for, and two of them had grand Steiner pianos which I loved playing… The amazing thing was that, with minimum instructions (30 min a week), but with daily practice, I played the piano at my best… and I guess at that point I also learned to be more patient with the notes that were suppose to be held longer…

Now, time to time, I get excited about playing the piano again. Now I have no piano, but maybe a keyboard, which is similar to a piano, can do the job… However, I am sure to be very rusty since it has been years… I have to go to basics to become quick with reading the notes again and then some drills to get quick with my fingers and then start playing some pieces of music… This is one of my dreams… why? Because I love music and I know that it is one of the things which makes me totally absorbed.., so very meditative.

Why am I writing all this? Perhaps there is more than one reason… One of them is seeing how impatient I can be which reminds me my childhood piano teacher and the book KA where it is written “...that impatience is the only sin” and the other thing is the Mysore room which is when it is full, makes me totally absorbed, total like when I used to play the piano. I also have a dream that one day things will become more steady in my life… where I will be living in a more natural environment with a beloved, teaching yoga together, and perhaps there will be space for a piano like keyboard in one corner of our home… I hope this is not a mere dream but a possibility… I wish for this with my whole heart.

be light

2011-11-21T08:54:00.001Z

Finally on a lighter note J I am feeling fine, I am feeling that my hormones are playing pranks on me each month and I began worrying about things without any cause… And this morning I decided it is enough, I can see this and practice not taking it seriously. I just read this on a wall of a friend “Worrying is like praying for what you don’t want” ha! Have to remember this! And I have to enjoy being in love; really, otherwise what is the point???

I also realized this morning why it is important to have a teacher and why actually good teacher trainings are kind of necessary to learn how to teach and adjust… I actually learned a valuable lesson this time while I was gone regarding one’s practice versus teaching. These don’t necessarily reflect each other; yes they can but teaching is a whole different skill which we learn by time, hopefully by studying with good teachers, ideally assisting them…

Well today is a sunny nice day. I am reading “Krishnamacharya: His life and Teaching” by A.G. Mohan which is an easy and an interesting read and I should finish it soon… ok, there has been few times I complained that he brags maybe too much regarding being close to Krishnamacharya, but I guess I am a bit envies, I mean who would not be proud of this? J I heard about Mohan and his book from a friend who was in Mysore while Mohan was invited to the shala to give a speech this past season… What is interesting in the book is how Krishnamacharya would give different recipes for each student and how he was always keen on accepting only the really interested people as students which I like…

the mermaid

2011-11-20T18:46:00.003Z

I am not grounded today… I feel lots of fear without any reason… it makes me want to give up everything in life. I know this sounds so negative but this is how I feel. I am such an impatient one, I want to see everything laid out in front of me, I want to be sure of what is ahead even though I know this is not possible even when I plan things carefully. There are always changes, adjustments that come along with time. Before, I did not feel so much fear perhaps because I was the king of my own kingdom… but now it is different and I am so scared of being hurt that I see that my paranoia can ruin things. I don’t know how to be serene because all these unconscious old patterns are being awakened and they are bombarding my psyche. During these times I feel as if nothing is helping me, not the asana, not the meditation, not the therapy, everything out the window and I am on my own with my fears… I suddenly lack trust in myself and in life, that things will be ok, I will be ok no matter what happens. I forget that painful situations as well as beautiful ones take me wherever I need to be going. I forget that this need to control things is not helpful but stressful for everyone... this goes on forever… but then I also see that perhaps because of these times, because of this tendency to be so ungrounded that I need such a physically challenging practice which brings me back to my body, back to this earth…

As I think all these, I keep experimenting. Just as I think no practice works, I sat on the cushion to see what will happen.… It brings a bit calmness but that is not for certain each time, next time I might find myself in tears… But reminding myself, over and over, that we are not separate, we are not all that different from each other and so learning to accept. As I sat today, the little mermaid story came to my mind… When I was a kid, each time I was told that story I sobbed; my heart went for the little mermaid… maybe I did associate with her and still does, afraid of becoming a foam in the sea… So, not to become a foam in the sea, to stay in this body, I have to make sure to wake up for my asana practice tomorrow morning… just like this I have to keep practicing all day long, taming the body, taming the breath, taming the mind, taming the emotions… and then let whatever is suppose to happen, happen…

Time

2011-11-08T17:06:00.004Z

I donnu how it is slipping through my hands… It makes me wonder where I will end up in no time again… I am being reminded of my mom’s words to me when I was too depressed last summer, her telling me not to waste my time with being so sad because this precious time we have goes by so fast, that she cannot believe how the time passed so fast that I am in my 30s now… Well she of course had a point but also it was invaluable for me at that time to go down so low… It showed me a lot, also made me feel things more deeply, not pleasant feelings but rather disturbing ones which made me face myself more honestly and brought this process of learning to except myself with more openness… It is still an on going process which will take a life time…

I am facing myself in my practice everyday but also now in someone else who is mirroring me in so many ways… Practicing on the mat has been fine. Things that I work on do not come easily and then still there are things happening slowly slowly… Some days I get frustrated, why so slow progress??? and then I see it is my mind which gets fixated on doing it the wrong way! Ha! I am so prone to expect the negative, it is also in my practice and then of course that can be the result. This is actually a good lesson because it is in other parts of my life as well. One part of my life has been high lighted for the past couple of months. I have been avoiding it so well and now I have to open the doors and windows and let the new air circulate; however, it is not easy. Many spider webs, holding onto old memories, old feelings, visions… I shrink and get scared because expect same ways of treatment I had before which has nothing to do with the one in front of me, … Then I go to other end, I panic and try to hold on really tight so it does not slip away and of course everything gets cramped up when there is no space to breath.. and one more time to the other side of the pendulum, I begin thinking about giving up, “what is the point, it won’t work anyways” syndrome... so back and forth… negative to positive, all great to hell run… Of course my point of reference is not the actuality of now but the past… Events and people from the past and past behaviour patterns of mine which were adopted at the time due to circumstances that have little to do with the present moment, present me or with the person across from me. Ahh, this is harder then the yoga practice on my mat. Realizing, and not going on with all this habitual patterns of past but creating a new reality, a new belief system, new point of view, new ways of responding, communicating and a way to see the reality with naked eyes rather than with a vision blurred with the past… On the other hand, I guess my practice on the mat still can inform this new task I took upon, and create a reference point. One point to start from is to not give up and to take the task everyday in the same way I take upon my daily practice… I owe this to myself not because there has to be something grand at the end of this whole thing, maybe it will fade away, but I think there is a great possibility of learning, and understanding that can come out of it just as there was from the low I have been through last summer. I don’t want to avoid, run away from it due to my fears. I have enough confidence to face other parts of life as well… and there is this beautiful being in front of me who is as human as I am and not afraid to show this to me, no pretentiousness, much openness and same as me dealing with fears and reluctances…

So many moons

2011-10-19T20:06:00.003+01:00

So, so many moons takes one to get wherever they need to arrive to… I have lots of way ahead me, I know. I have been through this and that, many countries, many cities, many trips, many living situations, many people, no people… one after another, keep changing, keep diverging, leaving, coming… What is the destination I do not know, I do not think so much about where I am going to arrive at, but the journey has been really interesting so far. How did I end up in India at a friends wedding at a Hindu temple that they found on the side of the road to Arpora? I looked around felt so blessed for my new family. I felt gratitude for my guts which took me away from where I was few years back… I felt gratitude for my teachers, friends who shared willingly with their whole heart. Time has been flowing since that time I looked around and felt so blessed; this happened again and again, looking around and feeling amazed. Beginning to know myself a bit more each time, struggling with it and then letting go… Making mistakes and realizing them, feeling lousy and then again letting go, learning to let go. Feeling supported by generous friends, teachers and sometimes feeling to be let down… all there as it is and seeing it, excepting it and sometimes becoming reactive which does not help but teaches a lot :p… and patient ones who keep walking beside you… which again thought me a lot, the generous hearts, forgiving hearts… lasting beautiful friendships where we all had to be honest at the end and realize the beauty and humanness in each other…

What is ahead I do not know but I can guess that it will not be less interesting than what had been already. I thank this lifetime even for this much. Now is a beautiful space I share with another, what is next we do not know… but present is a beautiful present…

re-reminder...

2011-10-08T19:14:00.002+01:00

I found something I have written last year in August... It touched me deeply as i read it today, so I wanted to share it again...

Conditioned by the society most of us torture ourselves. There are no real differences among us, but we forget this as we grow up… and then the big part of the whole work becomes to work out that the differences are just mind games… even on our quest for truth we create separations. In our love for another we worry ourselves with differences… with love to ourselves we do not give totally because we feel separate and think that something must be wrong with ourselves… let go is necessary, a big let go of all this ideas of being higher or lower, failure or success, good or bad, beautiful or ugly… let the power of love work and see the miracle happening. Support each other to let the jewel in every being to shine and become visible. I thank my practice, my teachers, my friends, my beautiful sister and OSHO for reminding me that there is something beautiful in this world that makes life worth living!

from rawness to ripeness...

2011-09-13T18:33:00.009+01:00

I think about relationships these days. And as I do, I see how fearful I can become... However, suddenly I had this opportunity to stop which was during my visit to Tarcin the cat, who will pass away very soon :(. As I was caressing her, I remembered one more time that we are borne to this life to die at one point, and the time between our birth and death is the time to discover who we are, to realize ourselves instead of trying to improve, fix, change what is already there... Learning to relax into being ourselves, having the courage to unfold what is deep down. I realized that there is no reason to be apologetic about myself, about having the potential of being a pain in the neck some of the times or whatever... because those are irrelevant to who I am, to who any person is. The person who will be with me will choose to be with me for who is in there, not for some other image they have in mind. and I shall be with someone for who they are not for any other reason. What occurs is a big growing, learning, maturing process between the two. No expectations to load on anyone since no one can fulfill those. Yet there is always possibility to learn from each other, by looking with naked eyes to one another and experiencing the good and the bad in one another, by practicing patience to be with the other in hard times and enjoying the experience each person brings into the union... and no need to loose oneself in the other, because it is a union of two halves, not one taking over the other.

There is one quote from the book I read about Rumi I keep remembering, it says that nobody can transcend from rawness to ripeness on their own... so I have to keep reminding this to myself; to engage with people to know myself and perhaps no matter how painful some of the relations on the way... I am not scared, there is nothing to be scared of.

Tarcin, the alpha cat will be gone. We will never forget her, and I will ever be thankful to her for bringing me back home to myself, to now... what is in the future we never know, but there is now I cannot miss...

Athena and I

2011-09-06T18:21:00.003+01:00

Today I had to remember to stop like it would be perhaps with Gurdjieff… now I stop to see my mind and if it has anything to do with reality of now or if t is just bringing in old stuff out of the closets of my memory bank…

I got a bit anxious yesterday… It began with “ohh I am being flaky with my commitments” and then this is followed with other judgments of the self, and then panicking about the future and finally trying to make a u turn from all this. After all, I slept and actually had a good dream, which began fading as soon as I woke up… I just felt the pleasantness of the dream, and then I saw it just slipping by from the memory since it was so early in the morning…

Well, is there anything substantial with my fears… maybe yes, maybe no… However, it does not matter, I just have to live this time, which is so limited and can be so eternal… Life is presenting a gift maybe and I can miss it if I go round and round and confuse myself. Last night, before I went to bed, I realized that I am not the person I was before, and if anything now, I can stop and see things a bit more clearly perhaps and practice to refine… and no need to expect to be perfect, not to expect anybody to be perfect, or just to realize it is perfect as it is, me, the other, and others and everything else… Practicing not getting lost on the way; keep waking up to now. And remembering I will not be the same person tomorrow either, while Athena will be in Pergamom museum for a while longer looking as gorgeous as before where she represents a bit of the eternal in all... some dichotomy to think about :)

eternity in now

2011-09-05T16:36:00.007+01:00

Good question, how long is now? I guess it is as long as one makes it. August was not long at all but I have known months which were so long…

Now, back in Istanbul after such a transformative month in Berlin. First, it was amazing Maty whom I loved instantly! She was a full power, inspiring, true heart. I have no words to describe her. I learned in those two weeks more than I have learned during last couple of years. I bow to her with respect and love. It was pretty sad to see her leave after those two weeks. Then, Chuck came and we had a moment until we got on the groove with him and that was mostly because of the course being split up like this. However, after a while, we got on a very efficient track and he thought us a lot as well. Chuck is very very good with his adjustments, of course he cheats a bit with his advantage of long limbs that can reach further than we could manage J but seriously he taught us well! and now I am looking forward to studying with them again and again...

Of course, after a while we all blended pretty well. I met lovely people in this course. Also there was a Goa group, those of us who have met before in Goa and also in Mysore. Well, one always meets lovely people in these courses I guess, but this time I was emotional… I got so used to everyone, I felt really sad to apart at the end. This usually does not happen with me because I have been leaving places over and over so when the time would arrive, I would almost disconnect from my feelings… but then the ashtangi world is small, so hopefully I will see them at one point in one of those places we go for practice.

On the other hand, things seem to be shifting. Maybe it is the period I am in or each time I go deeper… I feel like this course affected me deeply, and changed me in some ways, touched my heart in several places. I felt very emotional at times; very connected to the pain of a friend; got new understanding about practice, how it should and should not be and so on… Also I have been watching some of those missing links in my life for the past few months and at the end of this month, I am being given a ticket to take a leap. Now with a bit of tremble in my heart, I am daring to do things differently… As I wrote to a friend, it feels like a new chapter of my life is beginning suddenly and I have to figure out how to place myself in it, and it is so sudden and it feels so much like "uhh can it be real, how did I jump here from there..." This is how it is with me, usually it is not progressive, I suddenly find myself in a new territory. And now learning to navigate in this new territory… my practice and teaching are changing as well as my priorities. Well, change in the first two is always expected and welcomed so we grow as practioners, and teachers… but the last one! With me, the stubborn one who would not look right or left, nor hear any alternative to her plans, compromise from them, now is thinking maybe it is time to bend the rules a bit to make room for other parts of my life… ha! but that is also the part of practice, isn’t it? as one of my first teachers told me… relating, letting go of the past, learning from past mistakes, learning to look inside, making room for another, daring to take risks for change, to question and many more are all part of the practice… slowly I will see if I can… Dear Silvia told me I can do anything I want, and so I better remember that...

inquiry to go in

2011-08-19T03:40:00.005+01:00

This months, I am in Berlin doing a teacher intensive with Maty Ezraty and Chuck Miller. As always, these kind of intensives bring stuff to the surface, raise issues within oneself and within the circle....

First of all it has been great two weeks with Maty. Now on, it will be another two weeks with Chuck. Maty was a joyful and a very good teacher. I think she has a genius with the way she works with the students. She is very sharp to see what is going in ones' body... and she does not hold back from any student, she teaches and tries to serve everyone of her students with the same enthusiasm... That is I guess one of the most important qualities in a good teacher. Being interested in every student, approaching to every students with compassion and positive intention...

Being really mesmerized with Maty, I also began going some kind of inquiry... and I can be wavered very easily, what is this called, himmm.... anyways... Of course there is discussions about the system and teachers to practice with when you are in a group like this. There is always dichotomy within systems and then there is that I am better than you among systems... so it goes, " why meditation is not recommended in the ashtanga system; it does not really encompass it all; ashtangis do not meditate; most ashtanga teachers are not good, Mysore is not good etc..." Well I think everyone has to decide for themselves. You can go on talking about this stuff forever but this is pure waste of energy and more of our insecurities creeping up. I think the think is doing just what is right for oneself and being comfortable with that, not having the need to justify yourself. If you want to meditate, meditate, do not weep that system is telling you are not read to do. As a matter of fact, the first time I became interested in meditation was because of one of my first Mysore style Ashtanga teachers. and she was an Authorized, dedicated student of Mysore, so no need to generalize... If your heart is into meditating, then why not do it, figure out for yourself. One person cannot have all answers for us, but then if some others are ok with what they are told to do , then I guess that is what sings to their heart; therefore, one also need go be accepting of those who is comfortable under the wings. We can argue a lot of things and then at the end of the day it can come to the same point. For instance, Maty is very concerned about teaching with safety and she is not comfortable the way most ashtanga teachers teach... She has a point, a very good one but then I also experienced that a teacher claiming to be non violent with their approach to teaching can be violent with their words and attitude to the students to an extent that the student feels discouraged and belittled and all these emotional wounds began happening as if that person needed more to what they have been already caring on... then perhaps we need a balance. One can try to "fix" someone in a posture to perfection but on the way, if it is forgotten that there is a person there, then what does it matter. Would that yoga bring freedom because it positioned the body to perfection?

All systems have their short comings... I have been into Osho's teachings and done Osho groups and meditations since I began practicing yoga. Yoga and Osho also have their little dance going on in between. Most Osho sanyasins find yoga to be too rigid, too much discipline.... and the most yoga people sneer at Osho. I have been thorn between the two for quite a while. And now I see that why think over so much, get into a schizophrenia... Some Osho stuff is not suitable for me, especially in the community, I do not like, i do not feel comfortable with, but is is only some of it, then there are really nice, beautiful people who are willing to listen to your heart no matter what it is, whether you are in rage or bliss, they accept the being. I have to say that many of his meditations, I practiced daily for a while, they brought me to my center, connected to myself. I am sure there are many who do not regard them as effective techniques and think if one does not sit in vipassana for 10 days, they do not know mediation... well what is there to know anyways...

Now I try to bring myself to my center with sharing all this, coming to samasthiti....

and I thank Maty for her great teaching and presence during these past two weeks! She was wonderful and lots of fun.

sometimes it is all about softness

2011-05-31T11:00:00.001+01:00

There is a lot that I think about these days… and some of it is related to softness… I know I lost some of my softness on the way, trying to have it all together while I travel or had to face difficult situations, to not to panic, not to feel desperate, not to be taken advantage of, not to seem lost, not to feel vulnerable… so somethings are calcified. However, now I think that too of a strong hold could be a barrier to the actual strength we have, and to the experiences that life is offering us… I guess at times, one has to be vulnerable… Like the time I told my friend how I was hurt with all that happened, when I could accept my vulnerability, to the point of sharing with the other. Then I was so free from it latter on… I was true to myself and to the others, I could not fake all was alright at a time when all felt bitter… I had to trust that I could handle it no matter what the reactions could be and at the end of it all, I just felt soft, open and very human with all the imperfections… I need to remind myself this experience of last fall.

Yesterday, I realized I also need this softness in my practice; the strength is not necessarily coming from hardness of my muscles, it is like my sweet friend Claire told me while we were waiting our planes at Bangalore airport, it comes from a soft smile, from a soft space within… to much holding of my muscles is actually stopping me to use the strength I have… it was very interesting to discover…

time to write!

2011-05-21T19:54:00.002+01:00

Time to write for me… so long it has been.. I keep starting to write and then leave it half way… I have to write to completion.

I am home for more than a month now. I began teaching Mysore classes again and it is such a blessing! I see how much I missed to share what I am receiving from my teachers. Every teaching is a teacher for me, every student is a new interaction to learn from. I am starting to drop expectations and just do what I love to do without interfering with the monkey mind :P It is not always easy, hoping more people would show up, hoping the already existing ones will take upon the practice with big enthusiasm, etc… but have to learn to stay with what is here and now and just do the best I can… the rest will follow, whatever is suppose to come will follow… have to stay present with faith.

I was very happy to get back home after more than seven months. I had a long journey. Mysore days were wonderful. It was hard to leave… Then, some traveling to Thailand, which is beautiful, and Sri Lanka with gorgeous beaches… After two months of due time, back to India again, to Goa. Studying with Rolf and Marci one more time, such blessing to be with them. Goa, is the second home, Mysore is the second home… hard to choose between those two. But the best part of all was to feel that home is the home, I mean Istanbul is the home for now. I was happy to miss Istanbul finally and have some enthusiasm to make somethings work here.

So here I am for a while. Until August I teach, a little break and then teaching again and maybe a Mysore trip. Practice in the mornings feel good. I am feeling that I am getting more skilled each time with working on things that I get from my teachers. Bringing back homework, coming home with things to work on. Change does not happen over night or sometimes not even in a month, it can take months, years. But each study I take with my teachers give me something to work on. Before, I would have the tendency to expect big changes during each study, and sometimes I would feel disappointed… now I see that it does not work like that… the journey is long, and it requires patience, diligence and dedication. And I love the journey!

By the way, I am thinking of moving to wordpress... any opinions about that?

some of us in Istanbul...

2011-05-14T19:11:00.000+01:00

after all made it back!

2011-02-03T06:14:00.000Z

Soooo I am in Goa! that took a while, ha? Well, I am happy to be here now. Finally, I made it. It was a long process and I don't think I would do it this way again, I mean I would not be travelling around India, waiting two months to be able to get back to India... but this was a good experience as well. I have seen places I have not been to before or been to but did not remember because it had been 19-20 years since I went to Bangkok... Now I know few places that I want to visit again and explore even further and some places to avoid... and then also learning to not do this two month out of India until I can go in thing. Next time, if I want to be back two months later, I would just go home and come back, and in the mean time, there are zillions of things I can do while at home. Well, this summer was tough for me and then I made this travel plan... but now I am gathering my confidence and organizing myself better... On the other hand, I say again that it was a good learning experience... I learned I cannot travel around this long, it is alright when I go somewhere to travel for 10 days or when I go places like Mysore, Goa and settle down for few months but from one place to another and then to another for couple of months is too ungrounding for me. I do not like it and I also start getting health problems such as dental ones :s It is kind of like my astro reading, "painless lessons", (well tooth ache is pretty painful but you get it, it is not the worst thing that can happen)I am learning about what is optimal and what is not for me, and what is worth and what is not worth doing, what is enjoyable and what is not and kind of why the hell I decided that...

The dental stuff as always creeping out... Just before I was going to leave Bangkok for India. The last two days which includes also the day I leave I had to get a root canal. Ok, I could have left it with the emergency care they would do but then I did not know any good dentist in Goa and I was planning to stay for few months... Therefore, I asked them if it was possible to do more treatment so I could last longer wherever I go... The dental hospital and the dentist seemed all good, so I felt safe. But after I got to India last Wednesday, a journey which had few challenges in it (I will tell those in a minute), my tooth began aching. I was not really expecting this since I was so confident with the treatment that was done in Bangkok. It was hard to sleep at night, and also I caught some cold while travelling, so on top of a tooth ache, I also had stuffy nose which would not let me breath at night :p Luckily, Rolf and Marci know a good dentist here who has her office very close to where we are! And Friday, after aching bum bum bum, I called this dentist and made an appointment for the next morning. And the same night, the ache began getting milder to my surprise because previous days, it was always getting more intense during the night. The next morning, it was again not so bad and then I went to see the dentist. She looked at the x-rays and then told me that the root canal was done properly but because it was done so intensely in two days and even the day I was going to fly and then flying without giving it a chance to heal, the area was probably inflamed. She told me that I am suppose to keep taking the medicines I was given by the dentist who has done the work and also anti-inflammatory medicines... I am very relieved with this news, because after all that, my whole mission was to get back to India to study with R&M and just as I get back, not feeling well was a doomer...

The journey from Bangkok to Goa was another thing. As I arrived to Bangalore in the middle of the night at 12 AM, I went form International to domestic flights terminal. After a cup of tea, I went over to the screen to check my flight which was suppose to be at 6:15 AM the same morning. I was planning to lounge at the airport until then; however, I could not see my flight even though all these other flights that were around the same time were listed. I asked a man who was working at the check in lines and he said "Madam it is too early that is why it is not listed, 3 hours before the flight it will be there" I told him how come all these other flights which were at 6AM - 7 AM were listed. At that point, he also got suspicious and told me to go over to the Kingfisher office and ask the lady there. So, I did and the lady also told me the same thing the man told me in the first hand and when I pointed out the obvious that other flights were listed she went inside to make a call and then came with the news "Madam that flight is cancelled, they tried to contact you but they could not reach you" I was devastated. I said "how did they contact me? I did not get any email or text message", she told me they tried to call me, they called 3 times. But I always get emails or text messages regarding the status of my flight, I might not be always available to pick up the phone. Of course I should have also made sure that the flight was on before hand which is something I usually do but neglected it this time, I guess I did not want to hear any bad news since I was so much wanting to reach Goa.... She told me that they will try to put me on another flight but then there were no morning flights even with other airlines due to something that was going on in Goa. The earliest was 4PM. Hearing that I kept asking "but what I do here so many hours, I did not arrange anything?" At the end, they decided to give me most of my money back so I would be compensated and also they gave me a boarding pass for the 4PM flight. That was really nice of them. Then I went and got a hotel room which had to be in Bangalore city because according to the man at the airport who had info regarding hotels, all the hotels by the airport were booked. The new Bangalore airport is a bit away from the city, and in a bad traffic day, it can take a long while so this made me a bit stressed out about getting back to the airport but I was too tired to stay in the airport and sleep on a chair. Therefore took the chance and went to Bangalore. Got to the hotel recommended by the man at the airport. The receptionist was a bit annoying at 3AM in the morning. I began filling the papers and then someone called and I guess yelled at him for something because he kept saying no sir you did not call me and then he turned to me and wanted my passport and I said here it is he said ok you can go to your room, I said I am not leaving my passport here, he said I will send it in 2 minutes I said no I am waiting here please do what you need to do. I did not want to wait for anything when I go up to the room, I wanted to crash and also I am not comfortable with leaving my passport to anyone. Ha! so, then he made a call and start ordering chicken tandoori, bla bla tandori, a very long list of food at 3AM in the morning! I was getting pissed that he was making me wait in the middle of the night, a customer comes to check in and he is busy ordering food for I guess that man who yelled at him on the phone... It was like Welcome India already, but it was ironic ya? dying to get back to India for two months, and I as soon as I arrive I had to deal with Indian ways that drive me crazy :p. But I had a decent room, I went to bed straight away, I was hang over from being up so late. I did not have a good sleep because I was kind of nervous about where I was, if it was safe, why there wasn't a chain on my door? so whenever I heard a noise from the hall way, I would jump... but it was fine after all. I did not sleep so long. I woke up around 8:30AM and took a shower which was nicest thing about staying there. They had breakfast so I went down, they had idli, coconut chutney, sambar, some of that fried things and then some fruits, and some western stuff. I could not pass idly and coconut chutney. After breakfast, I asked the lady at the reception "Coffee Day around here?" and she told me at the end of the road. SO I walled down and found the Coffee day, and had a decent cup of coffee. Walked back to the hotel and when it was time for me to leave I thought the driver who dropped me off last night would pick me up but he was nowhere around. He asked me if he should come and I said yes at 1PM. But he did not show up! so I panicked. I was at that point really getting anxious, as if everything was against me reaching Goa, more I wanted to get there more things were going wrong, so I was also seeing that I had to relax a bit (if I could). But I had to push the hotel receptionist to get me a cap soon otherwise they were saying "45 minute later madam"! It is so weird, in any big city, as far as I know, you get a taxi in a minute unless it is super rainy, snowy, stormy... well I got a cap in 15 minutes and left for the airport and of course they charged me much more than the night before because it came in 15 minutes not 45minutes, India, well I managed to get it down 100 rupees.... They also called that driver who was suppose to pick me up to see why he did not come. He told them I did not want him to come which was not true. I told him to come but when he asked for my room number I said no need for room number you come I will be here downstairs... I felt nervous with giving such details in the middle of the nigh at some place I did not know and did not necessarily feel safe... but he interpreted it as I do not want him to get me back to the airport.

Well, after all this, I arrived to Goa! I got my flight, it flew right away, got a cab and came to the familiar land, to my home! I walked to the guest house where I am staying. The late afternoon I arrived, I left my bags to the room and I immediately ran to the beach since I knew Rolf would be there for the sun set and for sure he was. I hugged him big and I was so , but so happy to see him! Thursday I practiced in my room and began practicing with everyone else with the led class on Friday. The shala they built is really nice, I like it a lot. The floor is a bit uneven at some places but it does not matter so much for me, after I begin practicing it feels just okey and then when I am with my teachers and other practitioners, it really does not matter where I practice, if the floor is uneven or not... it is very simple and beautiful just like himself!

This year I am staying at the guest house in front of the one I usually stayed... I have a nice room and a balcony kitchen! I am close to the shala. I am happy, I am so at home! I am so thankful! the tooth ache left me after the weekend... I know few people, some of whom I know are not staying around, I guess they are at Vagator, Arjuna... It is peaceful, nice.

The practice is epic again since Rolf does not split people until after Karandavasana. I am at Pincha; therefore, I have to do the whole primary and the intermediate until pincha. Rolf said, arms are stable but the core needs to be more stable... drawbacks of being so flexible at the back... but it will come, just practice and ease into where I am and be there, and I guess this is true with everything, everywhere...

Round and round

2011-01-05T05:40:00.003Z

It has been months since my last post. Even though I began writing couple of times, I could not bring it to an end.... Then I gave up. Obviously I was not feeling it.

Mysore journey came to an end. It was a very nice one this time. I enjoyed the practice, and the beautiful people, beautiful friends very much. We cooked together a lot and ventured into things I have not done before. I made some life long friends, friends with whom my paths will cross again and again. Studying with Sharath was awesome again... It was a very special trip this time.

I left Mysore feeling all gloomy and sappy, leaving behind all that. I came to Bangkok which had a totally different vibe. Calmer, cleaner, and easier in many ways... It felt like a big shopping mall/food court since there are so many shopping malls in that city and the streets are full of food vendors. The coconuts in Thailand are delicious, nowhere I tasted coconuts like that and they put them on ice so it is cool coconut water, such luxury ha! The food, especially the green curry is the yummiest and all the fruit shakes. One can safely buy fruits off the street, ready to eat, peeled and cut for you. I felt like it was safe and nothing happened to my belly.

After four days in BKK, I went to Koh Phangan where I was suppose to stay a month. After the flight to Koh Samui, it was a boat and the sea was rough, and I was sea sick pretty soon so I threw myself over my bags on the floor and shut my eyes until the end of the journey. After we arrived to Koh Phangan, I was suppose to take another little boat to the beach I was trying to reach but the boat man wanted to charge me and this other man who was going there much more because of the rough sea. We walked to the other end where they had boats as well and from that side we could leave. Again the rough sea and I was paralyzed :p. Luckily the man who was in the same boat with me helped me with my bags, he took them out and I threw myself out. The boat man did not want to go to the next beach where I was suppose to go, but the man who was helping me offered to help me with carrying my bag and finding the way since I had no clue where I was and where I was suppose to be heading. I went to the first guest house my friend advised me but they were booked for the month so I went to the other guest house and they had bungalows for a month, so I took the spacious, nice bungalow they showed me. The nature is so beautiful in Koh Phangan and the way everything else is also. There are no cars or bikes. It is like a tropical bliss. However, the storm began and stayed for a week... I did not know anyone, then I met few others... There was a Matthew Sweeney workshop going on but he was not taking anyone from the middle, but he was doing Sunday workshop to which I could go and I did. In the morning, it was his lion sequence and in the afternoon it was working on inversions. I think I like his teaching style. He have good advices for which point one could be stuck with a pose and how to work on it. This was the second time I met him, the first time was in London for a 2 hour workshop... Maybe one day I do a month long studying with him...

Well, after a week of storm, feeling kind of stuck and lonely, I called my friend, Senol who was in Sri Lanka and decided to travel where he was. Just like that I made new travel plans and I got to Sri Lanka. Now this is my last week here. We stayed in this place where there is an old timer Ashtanga teacher teaching Mysore classes. She is a very sweet lady.

Counting days to India... I will go back to Thailand next Wednesday. After two weeks in Thailand and some travelling, and getting a new Indian visa, I will be heading back to India for Goa! I have to say no place like India. Thailand with its cleanliness and good food and nonchaotic ways, Sri Lanka with clean, beautiful beaches and ocean cannot measure up to India. India with its potential of overwhelming one and with it chaos, dirt, rudeness of people from time to time, is still the most real, most juicy, honest, friendly and from unexpected corners so kind. There are lots of things in my head but most importantly I am looking forward to Goa, to R&M, their teaching and all of it...

Ayurvedic Treatment...

2010-10-05T05:25:00.001+01:00

Been a long while... I just could not write... I donnu, no particular reason, just this has been the case.

Mysore is nice, still quite, still some rain, but a bit more heat during the day. I did an eight day Yoga Basti with Doctor Kumar, which ended last Wednesday! When I went for my consultation with him, one of the first things I said was "I do not want to do Panchakarma. I am not going to drink gee, or fast... I am here to practice so I do not want to get weak, lgiht headed etc... I just want some recommendations" And he is such a nice man, he said "yes I understand. I will not suggest you to drink ghee, or do any fasting but! I will recommend you to do this other treatment, Yoga Basti" and then he went on explaining it... and it really sounded like the appropriate treatment for me whose Vata is very strong and who has been suffering from chronic digestive problems since teenage years... Therefore, in less than a week I went to see him again and told him I am doing it. Ha! he has a way with people I guess, I was so determined that I was not going to do any treatment, I just wanted some advice and maybe ayurvedic pills that might help me which he actually gave me during my first visit and they began to help already... So, the next day I started my 8 day treatment. Every morning after I practice I flew with my scooter to Saraswathipuram.... The last three days, I was a bit tired of the whole procedure already, enough of all the oil and the milk etc... but I was still so sure this was helping me and that I had to finish this treatment as recommended. All that oil and milk helped my skin, my hair which was so dry, and the basti began clearing my system. Even the mornings when I felt "ohh againnnn...", after the treatment I was so mellow and just okey with everything :)

Apperantly this treatment is one of the Panchakarmas. My friend Kumar, who is in Gokulam doing massage and past life therapy told me so. There are, I think, 8 kinds of Panchakarma, so the ghee drinking is not the only one... Well, after the treatment I went to see Dr. Kumar again and he gave me some pills to increase the digestive fire and gave me some recommendation for my daily eating routine such as eating papaya at night for dinner, he said " papaya is very good for you!" I love Papaya, so perfect recommendation but I wonder what I can switch it with when I am home where there is no papaya; I will ask that next time I see him in couple of weeks... and all other things he said made sense... aa also he was asking me if I began adding some ghee to my food. I told him that I bought the ghee and it is in my fridge but I remembered to use it only once so far since my hand always goes to the olive oil bottle on my counter, ah the habit... His said "then you put the ghee in your olive oil bottle" :) Yes, he thinks ghee is good for me even though I told him that I like olive oil and that is what I grew up eating more....

While doing this treatment, I was not fasting, still the last few days I felt a bit weak, tired, but maybe that was because I was still very active :p The practice has been fine. The mornings I felt tired was difficult in the beginning but I could get it going; after sun salutations my energy would pick up so it was okey. It took me a while to surrender to an 8 day treatment... I always was scared of any kind of treatment because I was afraid they would get me weak, light headed etc... However, the treatment I did was the suitable one for me so it was not difficult, it was not draining and it was helpful for my problem...

here and now should be the mantra

2010-09-15T05:49:00.002+01:00

Looking within... it is a lot of that these days... It is complicated work, but seems like should be the simplest. I feel like I am going through a training, training of snapping out of maya... well, I have lots of work to do. But one thing I know is that all the things that triggered depressive emotions and thoughts at last bring me to a point where I truly realized there is a need to see things from a different light. And maybe, I had to sink low to really make a revolution in the patterns of the mind. Also, close people around me going through really low time has been constantly reminding me that all this messy stuff cannot be there to kill us but maybe can be an opportunity to find something, that something within us which is very much light and pure than what we thing we are made of. It is not an easy task, lets see how it will go...

I am reading Pema Chodron's "Start Where You Are". When I got the book, I looked and thought to myself "uhh it looks like an easy read, not thick, chapters are not long, and the language is simple, etc..." ohh well I was wrong. I think after the first two chapters the challenge began. So, I read then I try to practice what she is talking about then I feel like I am incapable of following what she is saying, so I stop reading the book for couple of days. But then I start sensing that I am getting lost in my mind, going down and I think " I better pick up the book, maybe something she says will touch me", and as I read I see I was correct and then I take a break from reading it but keep contemplating on what I was reading, trying to assimilate... ohh, I have to say she is a very valuable source. Also my sister send me "Pain Body" recording by Eckhart Tolle last week, listening to that also made me realize I have to stop going back to past feelings, maybe not to puch them away but the reality now is not those feelings, but we are so immune to bring them to now, and this habit so much inhibits our flow in the river of life...

Other than reading and taking journeys in my mind, I am thinking that I should do some other stuff. I will and will tell you when I do, there is no point of writing about what I am thinking of doing before I do them :p

Practice is nice although this morning I was feeling heavy... still it was not so bad... and later, for the breakfast I was so hungry!? i donnu. Yesterday I was with a beautiful friend for lunch. We were suppose to go to Sandhya's house, I called the day before and told the girl who picked up the phone that two of us will come next day around 2PM for lunch. But maybe she forgot to tell. When we arrived, Sandhya was "you are late, did you call?" Apparently there was not much food left. Therefore, I suggested that we go for thali and come to Shandyha some other day... We left for Dasaprakash, just as we were arriving the rain began slowly and as we entered to the restaurant it poured! Just on time! We had the special thali and had lots of time to talk until the rain stopped. It was lovely, and better than being at Sandhya's in terms of having all this time and privacy to share experiences, talk about stuff... One of the interesting things came up in our conversation was "the Work" of Byron Katie, I did not know about this woman. It is interesting, interesting to see how we all think in similar patterns, and worry about similar stuff...

Days fly...

2010-09-11T07:18:00.004+01:00

It has been a week in Mysore... time flies when you are in a happy space... The weather is cool, cloudy and rainy but usually not heavy rain. Today is Ganesha festival, and the whole week there were preparations for it. Mysore city was super busy, people were shopping, lots of people and lots of traffic in the city... I went downtown few times, once to take Pinar and Canan to shopping mostly for shawls and scarves. Another time I went down with my scooter, taking Canan also with me to see Mr. Rashinkar at his store, I am staying in his apartment so I had to give him some papers... We also stopped by at Ashok bookstore. I was looking for a specific Osho book which is called "Love, Aloness, Freedom" but they did not have it, maybe I should go to Sapna which is a much bigger book store. Then we went to the Rashinkar store, and beside seeing Mr. Rashinkar we also looked at yoga books and of course the yoga rugs they have... I got Yoga Taravali... I am not sure if this is a good edition of the book, we will see.

I am still partially in Afroz which is great. The memories are still very vivid and this lifts up my spirit a lot. From time to time I am confused about spirituality... it is hard to describe even what is confusing for me... I guess, I have to let it be, not question so much what I do versus what others do. but maybe I am not surrendering enough to anyone of the teachings or teachers. I frequently find myself being thorn between two of my teachers for instance, should I stay in Mysore longer or go to Goa?, and then Osho versus my yoga practice. I do not abandon my yoga practice to follow Osho, I am able to manage both together but if he asked me (if he were alive...) to drop yoga, I don't think I would. So what does that make me? and why do I think about this in the first place? well, I was listening to one of his discourses, him answering to a disciple's question, and he was saying how he knew that the disciple never really surrendered, how this guy was concerned what the society would think and so on and so on... well, I do not think of what the society will say... but when I am with the Osho community, they tend to question the yoga practice... I have my own mind, I go this way and that way, I say one think one day and may say another think the next day... I rebel and then come back... but it seems like Osho is part of my life, my vitality, and so I never totally abandon. but is this being half hearted? as I write these things, I realize it does not matter at all. My yoga practice is in the first place is what brought me to seeking, to India, to Osho... and maybe I am a very mental one, not like a heart person who would totally, without questioning surrender but that should also be fine, I have the accept where I am, who I am so I can continue from where I am... anyways...

Yesterday, I went for a walk around the lake. It was of course beautiful. I was also taking some photos as I was walking since I am trying to learn to make better pictures... Then a teenager boy began following me. I tried to slow down to let him pass, I stop to take photos and hoping he would be gone, but no in one way or another he was also stopping to wait. It quickly got stressful for me... Then I saw a man who was having his walk and also talking on his cellphone, so I tried to stay by him but he was too fast for me :p then I began saying to myself "let my angles help me, let my angles help me" I donnu from where I came up with this, but it worked after a few minutes! Two ladies appeared in front of me, I tagged behind them, the boy was hiding behind the bushes, then he jumped in again, did the noise Indian man do to take your attention but then left from the gate which was there. I was relieved but I missed taking photos of these beautiful heart shaped leaves on my way since I was trying to get away... so I have to go back to see the leaves again, but maybe a bit later when it is busier or with a friend, so I am not subject to this kind of think again...

Later, we went to Green Hotel for Friday night dinner. The garden is not open yet due to rain; therefore, we were in this area to the right of the garden which is covered on top. It was nice, good food and good company...

This morning, I did some cleaning... Then I was sat to write and I put some music. As the Libertines was playing from my iPod, through my open door I heard bells and saw the priest in the next house doing the puja for the Ganesha festival! I was like "ohh and you are here listening to your rock'n roll!" I turned of the music quickly to not disturb, disrespect... Soon I should go out for a walk around to see what is going on with this festival. I think there will be lots of Ganeshes around in lots of sizes! Exciting! Should take my camera with me....

Mysore in September

2010-09-07T03:53:00.001+01:00

Mysore! I am happy to be here... I arrived last Friday...
This journey was a bit different then previous once since this time I booked my flight with Emirates instead of Turkish airlines. Therefore, I flew to Dubai and then to Bangalore rather than flying directly to Bombay and then waiting for many hours (since Turkish airlines arrives at 3:30AM) for a domestic flight, also there was no hassle of switching from the international terminal to domestic terminal... We arrived to Dubai airport at 12:45 AM and I did not sleep the whole time. When I step into the luxuries airport, the first think I spotted was this juice bar and I was already very dehydrated in the plane and also since I forgot to check vegetarian option, there was no real meal for me at the plane so I was feeling a bit hungry too. The juice bar, especially the pineapples on the shelf my eyes sparkle I guess! I was missing pineapples so much; therefore, I got a pineapple apple ginger juice and drank it perhaps in 5 minutes. I walked around for a while and then found myself walking back to the juice bar to get a second one of the same juice! It was really good! It was the best thing! More walking around and seeing a date heaven in one of the shops was for some reason pretty interesting in the middle of the night, but I did not buy any, maybe I should have, they were the best dates I have ever seen in my life. Then I got tho the plane after almost 3 hours of lay over and just tried to sleep the rest of the journey. The second plane was not as comfortable as the first one tough... still I managed to get few hours of sleep. When I arrived to Bangalore, there was the taxi I arranged 2 days before. I thought of taking the train this time, but then I realized how tired I would be and I did not really know when it was, I looked online but then gave up and called Shiva for a taxi... With he taxi, we arrived to Mysore in 4 hours, most of the time I slept in the car... it felt longgg. but then I was grateful that I did not have to drive any of these vehicles that took me to Mysore! :)

When I arrived to Gokulam it was easy since I booked my living space in advance this time. I just settled down to my room and then got out to register at the shala. I was thinking it would be crowded but it was very few people online... so it was quick... After the registration, I could not resist to go to Anokhi garden to see if Flora was there! I was missing her so much the whole summer. So I walked down to the cafe, the door was open, I went in and saw Olivie who seemed like he never left the place. I guess I also looked like I never left Gokulam either to him... I asked if Flora was there and he told me that she was inside. I walked in and there Flora was talking with someone and as soon as she saw me, she jumped out of her seat and hugged me. She was so happy, I was so happy! It was so great to unite with my friend, almost a sister she is to me now! We both went through some difficult stuff this summer... and it was great to see her back here and lively again, and to her, I looked good since I was so much fed with life in Eressos... So we were both standing across from each other with big smiles on our faces! We talked a bit and afterwards we walked out to the coconut stand, just on our way out from the cafe, Mari showed up and I was so happy also to see her! I was hungry but Anu's was still closed until Sunday due to renovations and so I went to Nilgri's to get some curd and fruits and headed back home for a breakfast food... Luckily I had some food that I brought from home so I did not have to do big shopping as soon as I arrived...

Sunday was the first practice, led primary serious. It was so few people in front of the shala when I arrived! The gates opened, and we calmly went inside instead of the rush of the crowded times! The shala is not so full, it is such a luxury! I am loving it. We are perhaps 50 people... Sharath is in good mood... All is good. Tuesday also he did a led class for some reason... Anyways, first whole week is primary always... Today was self-practice and Sharath had two of the students from his last training assisting him! That was really nice, nice to have students among us also teaching, and teaching with Sharath. Things are changing...

Also Canan and Pinar are here. Two Turkish ladies... I know them from Istanbul. Both have been practicing ashtanga for some time. I am happy that they came to have this amazing experience. It is also nice that they are not here in the crazy hectic season so they are slowly getting hang of the was things and enjoying it all. It is not crazy in the shala with a big crowd, Sharath is more attentive since less people and then it was not difficult at all to find housing, so perfect for a first time!

ohh one new thing I forgot to mention. Now chanting classes with Laksmish is mandatory. Three times a week in the mornings for 45 minutes. This morning was our first class. I realized many from what we were chanting with Richard...

Afroz

2010-08-28T17:08:00.001+01:00

I spent 18 days at Osho Afroz meditation center and each day was blissful. Going to Afroz was the best thing I have done this whole summer. Afroz is in Eressos, which is at the southwest part of the Lesvos island. This was my second time there and it seems like each time I am falling in love with this place more deeply. I arrived on August 4, during noon. Lucky me, that date there was a boat leaving Turkey in the morning, so I arrived to Afroz by noon instead of taking the afternoon boat and arriving at night… Then I had enough time to get my tent and settle down and then go to the beach for a swim… Next day, a friend whom I knew from Pune arrived and she also start practicing with me in the mornings at the Buddha Hall. Then a friend from last year also began joining us for practice, then there was another one who was doing his sitting meditation/pranayama/asanas… So each morning was beautiful with this small group. Other than the morning practice, there were meditations we participated each morning, evening and of course also beach meditation ☺

After a week my sister also arrived and the Osho festival began. It was really beautiful. I was planning to come back but I could not. I ended up staying the whole festival. There were friends from last year, from Pune, and then lots of new ones I met this time! The festival was really fun and there were really nice workshops. The music was great, musicians were great… Every evening meeting with live music, and many active meditations with live music! Ahhh it was so alive. I became alive again with life, with love, I discovered my life source again…

Words are not really enough to describe it all… I woke up to life, to living… This summer has been demoralizing for me and I ended up in this very negative mood from which I could not get myself out. It was like falling into a pit and not knowing how to get out of it, or as if I was punishing myself with staying down there… In Afroz, I finally saw the stairs going up and I got the courage to go out of the pit. Finally, I could breath again! And I felt so much love, so much light from all around, from people, from the nature, from the universe… I realized that there is nothing to worry about, existence takes care of all this and it will also take care of me. I felt Osho’s words penetrating me again, lifting me up, encouraging me to go on. It was a beautiful time with beautiful friends, sisters, brothers, lovers…

Inconsistency...

2010-07-20T11:00:00.006+01:00

When I read or listen to something, sometimes it just comes and goes… Therefore, since childhood, I had to write down things to understand, to learn, to think about, etc. I write things that make me wonder these days. Last week I was reading last pages of the long introduction to the Principle Upanishads. And among many, one took my attention more than the others, so I kept going back and rereading those lines… It was "The vulgar look for their gods in water, men of wider knowledge in celestial bodies, the ignorant in (images made of) wood or stone but the wise see the Supreme in their own self." Then I put this on face book and to be honest I thought that it might stir up something. And I was not wrong, someone got offended in a way I would not imagine; they thought this was arrogant and looking down to Pagan, Shamanic, Indigenous cultures… Ha! I never intended that… One thing is what I write does not necessarily represent me, or show what I believe in… With this quote, which is actually from Darsanopanisad, I was struck… And, in the next few lines it read “The yogins see the Supreme in the self, not in the images. The images are conceived for the sake of contemplation by the ignorant.” I thought about it for a week, I went back to it and reread it several times… And my first reaction was “but how, how, how do I see it in myself? I am not able to…” And then I thought about what one of my teachers would say, that one can use images to concentrate, to meditate but when one gets it, wakes up, then they drop the image, or the breath, or whatever was there to serve as a tool and then naturally, anyways everything becomes the Brahman… so I thought to myself, well if there is anyway for me, it will be the ignorant’s way (according to these line) in the beginning… Maybe I use the breath, not an image but I have to use something… Rereading these lines were reminding me that it is actually within whatever one is seeking outside… that the resource is inside, we sit on it as one sits on a treasure without being aware… However, it is not so easily graspable for some, and therefore one might have a need to put reminders, and also reminders not to get lost in what we use as a tool, not to get attached to it that we cannot let go of it when we need to…

I also think that unless one sees the divine inside it is not so possible to see the divine in other beings/things… Isn’t it always said that unless you love yourself you cannot love another; it seems very similar… And perhaps these indigenous, shamanic, and pagan cultures have much better connection with themselves and so their practices are not the practice of an ignorant… I studied a bit of Anthropology so I know how dangerous it can be to analyze other cultures from our own perspective, conditioning… how it can be patronizing. Surely I had no such intention and I really don’t know about them since I have never done a field study on such a culture…

But of course I see that I might need to be more careful with what I put out there… It is very open to be misunderstood… and also sometimes we are very prone to misunderstand each other because of preconceptions about each other. I am not trying to hurt anybody or criticize anybody… I am not a philosopher, nor an advanced meditater… I am not after a belief system and I can be inconsistent and I actually want to have the right to be inconsistent… nothing is really fixed…

Rain and the thoughts that come and go with it...

2010-07-01T09:29:00.002+01:00

Rainy days… Yesterday was a rainy day. I love summer rain so much and also the thunders! It takes me to my childhood. When I was a kid, for sure every summer there would be summer rains to my remembering. I would be in the island, in my grandmother’s house. We would be at the balcony just before the garden so I would have an open view. I would watch the rain, watch the big streams of brownish water running down the sides of the stairs of the street in front of my grandmother’s house. The rain would wash the dusty streets, and the smell of the air would become fresher, more earthy… So each time it rains in the summer, I go back to these memories and not only to these images and smells but also the way I felt during those times… like a kid.

Well today is no rain, a bit cloudy only… Yesterday the practice was nice, power was on, I woke up before the alarm… and my energy was good. Therefore, I thought today would not be so good, it is already Thursday and I already had a nice practice the day before, so I thought I would be dragging a bit. However, to my surprise it was even better, I was intact and I really enjoyed all of it… how I condition myself to have a weak practice just because the day before was good already… Well the surprise is there!

Other than all this, I went back to Guru stuff yesterday after I had a chat with a friend. I feel a bit thorn inside… regarding someone… I have to look in to see what is there to learn… I was wondering this morning if we can be forced to change our Guru, the one teacher whom one felt closest to their soul. I guess we can be and there, a big let go had to happen. I know there is an Osho group called The Freedom process, which is again to shed the conditionings, and from what I heard from my sister, it is also to get freedom from the Guru… I guess it is like Primal where one gets freedom from the parents, symbolically killing the parents who contributed to conditionings, and so one can see them from a different angle, for the person they are… and so I guess with Freedom process one gets rid of the Guru in order to get rid of the ideal we create in our mind so we are not restricted on our path… and also to realize the ordinariness of the Guru as well… I mean, we tend to put people on a pedestal, but sooner or later they disappoint us because we built all these expectations around them… anyways… So, I wonder, but then I see it is a turning point for me. The seed was planted during Richard’s intensive. I realized how amazing Richard was but also how accessible and humble and ironic… he did not represent himself other than the human being he was and so with this, I understood that our teachers are just people like anybody, and some with amazing knowledge, big heart, great understanding, with so much to share but no need to get all nervous in front of them. One of the most valuable things I got from the TI was that my teachers should be reachable and I should be able to talk and ask question to them when I need to… with one of my teachers I felt very close to my heart, I would feel so nervous in front of him, I would not even be able to talk with him properly… but this time, I was much more relaxed and when I talked to him, I saw he had so much to say back, it was beautiful. I realized how much I was missing because I was making him unreachable in my mind… And now I am thinking that I need to let go of him for the time being because of circumstances, which are built around him by him and by others… I am sure I will see him again when the time is right.

I was thinking what Tias told me once, that he is ever more interested in creating space in the body… I never forgot that. And these days I was thinking what another teacher said, that we do not kill our thoughts but give them space in our mind. I think now what I need the most is to create space in my mind so I can give space to these thoughts that are cluttered a bit ☺

All this...

2010-06-27T09:39:00.009+01:00

Few weeks back, I read an article by Sri Swami Sivananda which was published at Namarupa’s April volume. The article’s title was Guru and it was about (no surprise) Gurus. What is it to be a Guru, and why there is need for a Guru, sticking with only one Guru, parampara meaning spiritual knowledge handed down from Guru to disciple, and then meaning of initiation, and then sakti sanchar, transmission of spiritual power from Guru to disciple, but also need for effort by the disciple, mare touch of the Guru is not enough… Most of these I heard from teachers before. Then the other day I read the May Volume of Namarupa and this time there was an article about Jillellamudi Mother who was considered to be reincarnation of Divine Mother. The article was the story of Mother being initiated by a Guru but it was not an ordinary story, it was not an ordinary initiation since at the end the “Guru” had been initiated by the Mother! When she was young, the Mother taken by a relative to Rajamma who was doing initiation in mantra yoga. Rajamma was acting the Guru to the book as it would be described but she had not experienced the Divine and the Mother at the time was already in touch with the divine. So, the initiation process took sometime, and the Mother challenged Rajamma in their conversations to show that the Guru and the disciple are not different from one another, that the one who is initiated and the one who initiated are One, that the ritual is there and one does it but once the One is experienced then you are free from all that… “… for Mother, God was not an abstraction. He was a lived fact, a supreme fact which includes all–ignorance as well as wisdom, weakness as well as power, darkness as well as light.” At the end of it, Mother was saying that God is the only Guru and he finds you, plants a seed in you… This was a good story, which reminded of Osho, I guess Mother’s wit… At the same time, I was reminded of the talks I have listened by one of my teachers… Remembering the talks by our teacher where he would explain “Krishna says everything emanates out of me. So, also as you think that you are such a bad mediator while you sit in your cushion, Krishna says that’s me too, you say I am ignorance and Krishna goes yep that is me too, and on and on… if one gives away the sense of specialness, things become ecstatic; reframing, everything becomes Krishna…” Therefore, I have been contemplating around these teachings… Trying to reevaluate how I see things, how I respond to them, my intelligence understanding but my conditional reactions still being there, yet still going back and remembering those who show me the way, who plant the seed, the Guru.

It has been difficult for me this past month. It was nothing really vital but still there were confusions, some hard feelings by others, things to decide, trying to reach agreements… Well, the thing was I and my friend P. decided to teach together and work for ourselves, create our own space, hopefully our own shala. However, there have been some confusions around all this andwe try to understand other people and their feelings and perspectives. Our plan to realize this was much further away but to be honest, we told it much earlier, 6 months before, still it was not enough time for some… Yet, I believe, we believe all will be fine. My friends’ with whom I worked for the last two years offered their space again which was really heartening and supportive, we appreciated their openness. However, we decided it is time to move on, grow up and realize our dream by ourselves. Of course, I get shocked sometimes with some reactions of others… It makes me think that I was not able to share/give anything, but not only that I question what yoga is good for if it will end up like this? What are we taking with us? On the other hand, I am trying to see that this is not yoga, not the responsibility of the practice or mine, everyone is responsible for their own actions… Well, for me it has been difficult because I can be too sensitive but each day was like a reminder to try to wake up to the reality… And also to realize that all is Krishna, the one who criticizes and who praises, the one who insults and who supports, my weaknesses and my good sides, all is the divine…

In the mids of all this, my practice has been full on. I realized that how it keeps me together. Some days, the early morning practices were the only times I felt a bit of peace and experienced a space free of worry. One more time, I was thankful for the practice, for the tools I was taught in the practice, with the practice; watching, listening, sitting and having faith…

Ganga and this and that...

2010-06-20T17:51:00.003+01:00

Last Wednesday morning I had a dream that got stuck in my mind… it was somehow powerful I guess. In my dream, I was pregnant and at the same time I was about to get married. The main thing in the dream was that I knew the baby was a boy and I wanted to name him Ganga. My friend, whom I was getting married to, was really against this. But I was really determined, I was saying that Ganga was such a good name and I already knew Baba Puri’s son and daughter, Ganga and Gangotri, who were brilliant, lovely people. My friend on the other hand was saying that so many people died by that river because of the conflict between India and Pakistan… well the river is not by Pakistan, but this is a dream… Anyways, I was not gonna change my mind, he was Ganga. According to some friends, being pregnant might indicate that I will give birth to something new, a new project, a new beginning, a job, etc…

Today is mom’s birthday. I spent most of the weekend with my parents. It was lovely in the island. We picked sour cherries and plums with my father in their garden. I love sour cherries even though they are really sour ☺ Mom was happy to be together. This morning I practiced in the living room. I sweated a lot at some point because the sun was just rising across… Then someone opened the door behind and the fresh island air came in. Afterwards, I had breakfast with mom…

For lunch, I met with C and D who are visiting Istanbul. They are here for one of their friends’ wedding. We went to a restaurant called Çiya which has regional food. This was also my first time in that restaurant. It was nice, we had lots of different kind of greens. The restaurant is on the Anatolian side. I came there directly from the island, they came from the European side. After lunch we took the boat back to the European side. While we were walking back to the port from the restaurant, I could not resist going into one of the dried fruits and nuts store. I got some dried figs and almonds, they got some dried apricots. Out from the store, C saw the olive oil soaps in another shop, so they got some of that. The boat ride was nice, it was very enjoyable since I was with two others who were really loving Istanbul, and curious about the city. I love the boat rides always but with friends like this, it was even better… Yeah, I felt all jolly when we said goodbye and parted ways. I hope they come back soon.

Farewell one more time...

2010-06-14T16:54:00.003+01:00

Impermanence… keep reading about this, listening about this, but the understanding comes with experience. Joseph has also gone, Joseph Dunham. So many passing from our lives… I wish him peace. He will be missed…

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

These days, everything seems in flux. Something is on the way, the thing is to decide what it is… we will do that, without hurrying, patience and listening… Nothing to worry actually but the anxiety comes with trying to make the right choice while trying to stay with our intention. Yes, vagueness…

Practice is full power in a sense that it is the space where I have the most peace of mind. So, I see one more time, even if it does not take me anywhere, it holds me together.

By the way, I made the laundry detergent and it works fine… I like it. Not difficult to make it either.

Coffee Cup

2010-06-12T09:18:00.000+01:00

This week also has passed. Half of it was dark and rainy and the other half turned out to be sunny and bright and just like the weather, my mood also. Maybe not as sudden switches as with the weather but from going really dark to getting lighter and to more optimistic and to smiling and strong… I now see that the period my friend was talking about when she read my coffee cup last summer was this one… I have a friend who is very psychic and I really like her, she can be a bit crazy at times ☺ I enjoy her reading my coffee cup which is a Turkish tradition. After you drink the Turkish coffee there is a big lump of coffee grounds at the bottom of your small cup and you cover the cup with the plate of the cup and then turn it around so the coffee cup is upside down. Then you wait until the cup cools down, and afterwards the person who will read the coffee cup opens it and tells you what they see from all the shapes formed by the coffee grounds ran down the side of the cup and dried out… My sister and I are really untalented in this; whenever we look into the cup, we try to see things, first say ohh I see a girl, I see fish, etc… and then end up with “ufff I donnu” I guess the point is not trying to see things but either you just make up stuff ☺ or if you are really psychic you connect with your insight and the coffee cup is only a medium which helps you tell what you foresee… Anyways, the last time my friend read my coffee cup she told me that there is one period coming up which will be difficult and when it is over I will say “ohh ok I have done it, it is over, I resolved what there is to resolve…” but that is only cleaning one shelf and there is one above, thus there will be another period which will be also very trying and even more but will be good for me to clear more garbage. So I see now I am there, in the second shelf… The good thing is there are good resources out there to help one. I had a beautiful session yesterday with a very good Osho therapist. How she could be so simple and get all that out of me in less than an hour and see things clearly and help initiate a transformation? I was amazed. I heard that she is like that but of course there is always doubt… but after the session I could not feel any doubt, there was no question in my mind because everything was so clearly laid out in front of me. However, to go on, effort is needed, nothing happens by its own. For the transformation to take its course, to take off, as the famous astrologist in Mysore keeps saying, “Human effort is needed” ☺

Last Goodbye

2010-06-04T14:24:00.005+01:00

We went to see Bodhi Ray before they put him in the coffin and wrapped him up. It took me a while to find the funeral house because the address, which was given was the old address, they moved to another place, but I made it. The funeral house was amongst auto repair shops, kind of a weird place to be but I guess here it is like that… When I arrived there were few other sannyasins, Bodhi Ray’s body in white sheets with his mala over, a bouquet of white and red roses, and an Osho photo… Osho songs, the ones which usually played during death celebrations, were playing from someone’s ipod… Some sang softly to the music, swaying their bodies, some were crying, some were just standing… His face was smiling, eyes open… felt peaceful. Tears rolled down from my eyes… It was not necessarily sadness; it was remembering what he has given, shared with me during my first time in Pune when I did his breath group. It was the first intense group I did, so what I saw, realized and experienced during that group stayed with me very alive… I remembered his energy, his insight, and his softness… It was beautiful… I felt that he had a good life, he was comfortable with himself, he was open to people and was able to share so well… After a while, they put him in his coffin, we put his mala, the roses, the Osho photo over and left his face open before they closed it up. It was good to see him, good to say last goodbye. Thank you Bodhi Ray, thank you...

One moment we are here and another moment...

2010-06-02T19:13:00.000+01:00

How everything is unpredictable actually… As I write these lines, I remember the disappointment of my econometrics teacher after 9/11. How all his predictions became garbage after that one morning… how he realized that as much as we want, there is no way of predicting the future really… Life has a way of showing us the reality, sometimes brutally, in a way which makes us feel silly about all of our worries, suffering… Sometimes it comes like a blow... But I also realize that most of our suffering comes not from this present time, but from our past, from our childhood and maybe from past lives, stuck on us, we carry them wherever we go and trying to shake them off now and then…
Today I was reminded that one moment we are here and another moment we have gone… how actually there is an urgency to live this life as it deserves to be lived… my heart is with my friend, my heart is with the one who has gone, and we will all remember him and we will all be with her, with love…

Go

2010-05-27T17:51:00.001+01:00

Today, initiated a big step ahead. Now it is is up to the universe kind of… It is exciting and scary at the same time...

After I split ways, I walked down Istiklal Street, not exactly knowing my destination, thinking that I might go and see my body in her jewelry shop… Then I came by Saint Antuan church and I went in. Once in a while I go in there and light some candles and then go on my way. I am not a Christian, I don’t really practice any organized religion but I respect them all as long as they don’t kill each other. My mom grew up in one of the Princess Islands where there were Turkish, Greek blooded Turkish (as they call themselves Rum) and Armenian people living. Now there are not many Rums and Armenians left… The island has an orthodox church, a monastery, which if I translate named something like “Seclusion from the world” and then there is the Priest school on top of the hill. Therefore, mom grew up being used to going to these places for a visit, to light a candle, to make a prayer, to attend a ceremony… and when I was a kid, she would also take us together… In this manner, I got the habit of going into churches. This time, I went in and lighted three candles and then I sat on one of the wooden benches. I sat there, opened my palms, feeling the vibration of the church. Maybe because there has been a lot of people praying and services happening or because this church has been there for a long while since 1870s and has witnessed the history of the city, one feels the energy in the space easily. I sat first staring at the beautiful light blue sealing with golden ornaments and stained glasses on top… and then I just sat, my mind going into planning and me shushing it for a bit of stillness… back and forth… watching was not possible so much… Then I got up and looked at the people behind me, one old man just staring ahead, one young woman sitting a bit restlessly and then this young man looking down with a big smile as if he just proposed to her and she said yes… I walked out to the sun light. As I was approaching to my body’s shop I remembered she would not be there so I turned back and walked home with all these things spinning in my mind and time to let go…I got home and wrote a lot but was not sure whether to publish it all, it was a lot of justification... and I was not sure whether there was a point or not.

Then I picked an Osho Zen card which says...
"FIGHTING: The figure in this card is completely covered in armor. Only his glare of rage is visible and the whites of the knuckles on this clenched fists. If you look closely at the armor, you can see it's covered with buttons, ready to detonate if anybody so much as brushes up against them. In the background we see the shadowy movie that plays in this man's mind - two figures fighting for a castle. An explosive temper or a smoldering rage often masks a deep feeling of pain. We think that if we frighten people away, we can avoid being hurt even more. In fact just the opposite is the case. By covering our wounds with armor we are preventing them from being healed. By lashing out at others we keep ourselves from getting the love and nourishment we need. If this description seem to fit you, it's time to stop fighting. There is so much love available to you if you just let in. Start by forgiving yourself; you're worth it.
One moment it was there, another moment it is gone. One moment we are here, and another moment we have gone. And for this simple moment, how much fuss we make - how much violence, ambition, struggle, conflict, anger, hatred. Just for this small moment! Just waiting for the train in a waiting room on a station, and creating so much fuss: fighting, hurting each other, trying to posses, trying to boss, trying to dominate - all that politics. And then the train comes and you are gone forever."

happy journeys to all of us...

Mental poop and laundry detergent

2010-05-24T15:16:00.004+01:00

This blog is mostly about what I come across in daily life and then some mental poop, not about incredible stories of self-realization, evolution… I guess half of the time I write about mental poop. It is like what one of my teachers was saying “when you sit, it goes all “me, me, me” and you see that you are sitting in your own poop.” And just like this, sometimes my blog is like that, I don’t hide anything, pretty much self-exposure. I guess I make it easy to be criticized… but hey I am not going to try to make myself likable because that just does not work, whoever will not like me, will not like me eventually anyway. I cannot really change that. And what I was told and also actually experienced for myself is that you can teach what you practice… it is not for anybody to dictate that, not me, you or anybody else.

Okey, on a lighter note, I am going to make my own laundry detergent. I came across the recipe on the web some weeks ago. But I guess I bought one wrong ingredient. I got barote instead of borax :p… lets see, I will still use it because the pharmacy lady said that barote can be used for detergent making and that is actually why I got that when I was just about the get barox… It is not complicated, I will see if it works.

Note to self

2010-05-21T09:32:00.004+01:00

Where does it begin and where does it end… the ego… the inflation, and diminishment… I have been struggling with this for a while. I have a low self esteem syndrome but then there is also another side of me which knows, pretty damn well knows that I am not in anyway unqualified for what I do and whatever I put my mind to do… because I am a professional student so I try to learn my lesson as well as I can and also I am honest, I tell what I do not know, pretty clear… so then what happens… of course with my low self esteem, I stay quite, almost waiting to be discovered and then I see other people with less experience etc. getting out there and marketing themselves really well. When I see this, I began getting frustrated and mostly to myself… I also get frustrated when people are not humble with the practice… But then what do I know really? I mean how can I expect another to see the practice the way I do… It is different for everyone, I always say this. So, I guess it is also different in terms of what we all get out of it… I expect to get more humility, more calmness, and more softness… I do it with an eye of self-investigation… with Richard it became deeper like that… so what if you kiss your toes in paschimottanasana, realize that it is ridiculous… I feel calm and in peace and a bit blue when I listen to Richard or Sharath talking because I feel that everyone of us who are sitting with them are accepted as we are and we are not compared to one another, we are just expected to practice and go deeper… I feel sentimental because I feel a relief, which touches me at the core of my being… Yes, it can also be a jungle in Mysore as well, but then when we are practicing in the shala we get all wiped from our egos somehow, maybe it is the shala, it is the place… and you go by with a sense that it will all come together and it does at the end… On the other hand, here I tend to get lost... I am so reluctant to put myself forward. But the real problem is I also got irritated with the ones who brag and this irritation, of course, harms me more than anyone else, because I seethe inside and I isolate myself. I have to learn to be indifferent to things that really do not matter. What does it really matter if someone things they are golden when they are just like all of us? It does not make me any less… so there is a bit of insecurity in me, so I feel threatened, here goes my own ego… but really this is a bit illusionary, time to really, not just logically, realize this!

Lodos, the wind...

2010-05-19T18:34:00.001+01:00

I am not writing… then what am I doing, right? Well, I am watching, watching my thoughts… sometimes with a bit of embarrassment… I want to be more indifferent to some of the things, yes more. I watch the mind, I see how I get bothered, or anxious or suspicious. And I guess this is okey and honest.

Otherwise, the city has been under the wind, which we call Lodos. I don’t know if this wind occurs anywhere else than in Istanbul, but since my childhood I would hear my mom and then my sister blame their light-headedness, tiredness to Lodos. And now I do the same… Lodos is a warm wind, which churns the sea crazy and then after it is gone, there is rain, snow, something falling from the sky… Well, I think there has been lodos and I have been tired most of the time this week. Also hunger is there most of the time. Sometimes I wonder maybe it is not the lodos but something else like my friend Ewa had. She told me that she has gotten sick after staying in India so long; she was tired and hungry all the time no matter how much she ate and if I remember correctly, they figured out that she was having iron deficiency… Maybe I am dealing with something like that. Every morning I take spirulina+amla capsules, which we have bought in Auroville and also the wheat grass powder my sister got for me… I donnu… and on top of it all, I do not do the whole primary +half of second epic anymore, the longest I do is half primary with half second, which mean I should be okey energy wise… well, maybe it is the seasonal change…

The practice is good, bad, full on, full off… variable as you can get it. When I am at home, I do some circus ☺ as Rolf would put it. I try to do to Chakra Bandhasana by myself. So far, my left hand holds the left ankle then I walk it a bit up but with the right, I am not able to grab yet, it hangs out there :p Well, trying to do it yourself is a bit extreme maybe, but I know people can do it, and the backbends are no problem for me and it has been comfortable when Sharath helps me and my body knows how the stand feels, so I play around with it with a bit of fear of rolling down like hula hoop… Then, I try kicking to handstand in the middle of the room, sometimes one breath there and then I can come off from the side, which is a good thing to learn. When it comes to kicking with two legs as R&M would love to see me doing, I have been avoiding but today I start aiming for forward as Kino describes in her DVD so less panicky for me when I think forward… still lots of practice needed until I get it, but I have my whole life, no hurry, just keep practicing as always…

Then, Gail has arrived. For her, it is a whole adjustment to a new country, culture… She is sweet with a good sense of humor. Of course another virgo! We hang out sometimes… it is good to have a friend with whom I can talk Ashtangi stuff ☺ and also other stuff…

ohh more...

2010-05-11T18:09:00.009+01:00

As I was meditating (ohh well obviously not really) and feeling fat and bloated all these things began pouring in… As I mentioned previously my humble opinion about shifting from practice to practice, I forgot to mention my thoughts in recent days regarding teachers… Those teachers whom we hope would fix us… of course not all students are like that. Anyway, I was thinking that when one has a problem with a teacher it is probably most of the time not the teacher but the student who creates this problem since our experiences are mostly shaped by our expectations, opinions and thought patterns etc…. of course this is not always the case, there are times when we have no control over what is happening but I am talking about the usual case… so I have been having this problem with one of my teachers. It is mostly in mind, not really out in the open; I have been feeling hurt, neglected, and snapped by her… and therefore, I do not want to go back even tough I love and miss the other one a lot… As I have been going through all these in my mind and sharing it with few friends, I realized that this was also me who could not be strong enough. I felt like I made her get disgusted with me because I was not strong but then at least maybe not physically strong as she expected but if I were mentally strong enough, I could stand up for myself instead of taking it all and then after a month realizing how all that was rubbish… And standing up does not have to be all dramatic, it can be just a strong attitude behind who you are... It is in my hand to make it all a different experience, something to keep in mind so if I want to go see him, I shall not be stopped by anything… There seems to be not much difference between shifting from one style practice to another and from one to teacher to another... and as I reread the Gita, I could not help but earmark the page where I read in the commentary "The function of a teacher is not to teach but to help to put the the learner in possession of himself. The questioner has the true answer in himself." Something to keep in mind...

Other than thinking too much, I had lunch with sweet dad and he was telling me how he could not sleep all night because of Dharma, their tiny schnauzer who got operated on Friday. Dad told me that mom and him talked this over and decided it was not necessary to get her fixed but then, suddenly last week mom decided to do it and took poor Dharma to the veterinary… Dharma stayed there for few nights and today they picked her up. Dad could not sleep all night because he was concerned that Dharma would begin jumping around when she sees them and her stitches would burst… talking about my vata mind, yeah with these parents, no surprises, ha!
Miss Dharma in snow

Regarding fat and bloated… these days I have weird view of myself. I feel that I have legs like fat pillars while my arms and chest are still skinny… what the hell…

Slowing down...

2010-05-11T14:03:00.001+01:00

So, this month is slowwww… meaning that I teach few privates and then planning for the future. In June it will be full on Mysore mornings again but until then this vata mind is going crazzzyyy when the physicality is less… of course the practice is going on but uhh I need more than that always, so the mind calms down. Actually I was thinking the other day about meditation techniques and why I am drawn to Osho meditations more…. I thought that the reason is probably because Osho meditations mostly involves some kind of dancing or physical movement before the actual meditation part. They last an hour most of the time and the first part is usually meant to prepare one to sitting, to empty the mind from the rubbish accumulated during the daily life. Anyways, so I guess I need to practice more of Osho meditations these days rather than just trying to sit…

The other thing I was thinking was why people switch between yoga styles. That is for me is just another escape… it does not actually matter which practice you do, it can even be sweeping or just walking or painting etc... the thing is going deep in one. Letting go is not letting go this style of yoga practice and beginning another one until you recognize you hit the same wall, your so called limitations, or more accurately mind limitations or your issues which begin coming up, or fear of failure or not being up to do the harder work which is waiting ahead… I donnu, this just came up in one of those moments where I was more insightful than vata mind…

And of course planning for the future is always an issue for me. I have to relax in this subject because after a point you cannot control all, you do what you can and then watch what unfolds… so, Sharath begins teaching at the shala from beginning September 5 on…

At least 10 more years ahead...

2010-05-04T09:05:00.001+01:00

I watch myself being impatient, irritated, disappointed etc… and then I ask myself where, when, how it will be more tranquil consistently? This morning I thought maybe city life is not for me anymore. I get frustrated with the traffic, with the hassle of getting from one point to the other… I got so used jumping on my scooter and cruising around while in India… or jumping in a rickshaw, still not much traffic. Even the street lights in Mysore were a bit irritating after Goa… but now I think it was super easy to get to one point from another… Ahh, of course me thinking city life is not for me is a bit ironic after so many arguments with A about whether to live in a big city or in the jungle… I was all for the big city… well I am not as extreme as A, Mysore is okey for me, would not think of it as a big, unbearable city… the good think he did not end up here though… and I will adjust perhaps in few more weeks.

Certainly, it is not only the difficulty of traveling around the city. Again, my monsters creep out from the corners they have been hiding for a few months. My friend whom I met yesterday was telling me “you come here and it is so much ego oriented city, you begin feeling unsafe and go back to the old patterns to feel safe, such as blaming yourself, feeling less than what you are, wanting to hide in your house, not to be much out there, wanting to run back to India, be a student forever, etc”. I think she said it is the superego which does this… Well, I go back and forth between the voices of my superego and the voices which reflects the reality. I guess it is better than what it had been before in terms of the rapidness of snapping out of the superego tales… but still so much work to be done. And then getting angry sometimes… it is all right, and I am not an angle because I practice yoga, I am nowhere close to being enlightened because I practice yoga and sometimes you gotta get angry so people would be aware that they are steeping out of their boundaries… Okay, the story is that this place without asking me took my photo and the information regarding Ashtanga yoga (which I quoted and translated from an article by Annie Pace…) from my website and put it on their website.. I was shocked when I saw this… I don’t know how long that this has been there but of course it was not nice, I do not teach there, and I put all the money and time into getting my photos and then getting my website done and arranging the information etc. and they just take it, put it there with a note which just says “quotation”… While they were taking all this, there was my email address, they could have asked me if they could take… So, I first emailed the person who owns the place but after not hearing back from him for 5 days, I called the place and told them either to put my website address under or to take it out. Of course couple of days ago it was still there, so I called again yesterday and the lady on the phone had excuses and yelled at me how come I practice yoga but I was not patient? And that she did not know how to change it and the owner’s dad was sick etc… and so I was unconsidered… I said I have no information what is going internally in their business, all I am asking is to change this, and it should not be so difficult. And of course, I was blamed of not listening to her, all the problems she has. We hanged up then I called her back telling that I feel bad about this argument and she said she also feels bad and I told her that it is not considered of them to just take information like this especially when they can easily ask me, since they knew how to get to my website, and right there is a contact info… and all the effort I put, why then? I should just copy paste other people’s stuff there which are much better etc… and I have to tell her because I do yoga I am not enlightened in any way, I am a normal person who has lots to figure out yet. Yes, I do have lots to figure out yet... and one of the things I guess is to take it less seriously, why do I care so much that they took it, I have to relax and anyways, who am I?

Did yoga take me further towards being a better person? Maybe a small step into watching myself; my patterns are much more clearly visible to me now; however, I am still not transformed. I do not want to say I have no control over them because I do not believe control is the key, you control and then it explodes at some point… but to transform… Well I guess seeing is the first step but there are so many steps ahead. And I always remember one of the stories Richard told us about Krishnamacarya; one guy asked Krishnamacarya “how long does it take yoga to work on someone?” and K’s answer was “it takes 3 to 4 months, but of course you only begin practicing yoga after 10 to 15 years of trying to practice yoga….” ☺

A Massage!?!

2010-05-02T15:58:00.004+01:00

This week was overall just another week, no major happenings… However, one interesting things was the massage I got from this old lady… Well, it was not your usual hands on massage, she had this vibrating machine that she used… for a while, I thought “this is lazy massage, instead of using her hands she is using this machine on me…” and when she used her hands or the elbow, she would just dig in, as if she wanted to make me hurt or find parts that hurt… and when it hurt she said “because it is unhealthy”. For her, I am a total mess, me being a non-smoker, non-drinker, vegetarian and 6 days a week yoga practitioner and yes I am a mess. My vegetarianism was a big problem for her. After so many stuff she said against it, I had to tell her to quit trying because I am not eating dead animals… She was right about some stuff such as me having low blood pressure and not a great circulation… She said it is all because my lymphatic system is dried up (because I am vegetarian…) and she would occasionally say “so you do yoga but what good it is when you are in such bad condition.” God she was negative and at one point I told her that she is very negative and she said, “No, I am positive but when it is bad I have to tell…” She dug into my ankles, into my knees, into my groins, and to my sacrum, to the sciatica… and did cupping even under my feet! Of course me being a vata, I got all bruised now! Well, Kumar told this us during the massage course, you do not dig into Vata people even if they ask for it, if you do, you damage their tissue, bruise them and so as he said I got bruised… And this was not the only thing, actually the most entertaining part was that she was very concerned that I was prematurely aging… She told me that the line between my eyebrows is too early for a 32 year old! And then that thing under my chin! And I was “what thing under my chin???” I always thought I looked younger than my age and the people who know me usually thing so as well… I was confused but at the end I had to tell her “look, we will all age and die… it is okay”. Maybe she worked with too many women who were overly concerned about staying young, I donnu… Ha, then she was confused with my answer and she could say “yes age but in a strong way”. Well the other times she did not verbally abused me, she gossiped about the other clients of whom mostly I knew…

I asked for this massage and I got it; therefore, I cannot blame the lady too much. The whole thing lasted 4 hours! Torture machine lady had to leave at the end because I made her leave. I told her that I had a class which was actually true… Over all, was she helpful? I think actually it was helpful in some ways. After her, that night, I was in pain almost all over but now, two days later, I feel fine. Some of the minor aches I had (before her) here and there is gone and then my knee, which has been much better lately, feels even better now… Will I get another massage from her? Maybe not, and even if I do, not so soon… First, I had to gain the courage to go under such pain again… and then, I cannot afford to pay such money all the time… furthermore, I frankly neither want to be part of the gossip circle nor hear about other people's private lives... Also I want to figure out myself how to get my lymphatic system and circulation work better rather than relying on someone else for it, there should be self-applicable techniques… I do not like to rely on someone all the time to be healthy… especially when I am up right a normal person…

I feel sorry that I am not such a great advertisement for her with writing all this stuff, but I heard that she helped many people to gain their health… and you know she is sweet actually... Still I have to be honest. I think the worst part was her negative talk; you cannot heal someone with all that “the tattoo is good but the leg is bad, what kind of neck is this? All bad” kind of talk… (and I am not a smoker, drinker etc kind of person who needs to be frightened to stop doing all these stuff...) I mean, didn’t we all see in that documentary when you say bad stuff to the water the molecules get all screwed up and then when you say good stuff they all make beautiful patterns, just like that I think, to a certain extend, our bodies behave in that way too... So, to wrap it up, I love my body, I do not think it is in a bad shape, I am not in physical pain majority of the time, I practice every morning and I enjoy and feel strong and I feel young! :p

Experimenting, rearranging...

2010-04-27T12:09:00.001+01:00

So, it was good 10 days subbing for P. Until June, he takes over the Mysore classes again. Then, I will be teaching again for a month when he is in Mysore… It is very exciting that he is going for Sharath’s TT, and the second level!!!

Looking back to two weeks ago, I was so nervous the first day of teaching, and now I am much relieved to see that most of his students received me well. It was also nice to see that I did integrate some of the things I learned in Boulder from Richard and Mary. I can now do more studying of course… continue listening to recordings and reading the notes… and then experience, experiment… listen to the breath my body…

My own practice has been fine. Well, uhhh… I have to admit I went back to adding half of the primary to my practice as Richard suggested while I was in Boulder as an alternative to doing the whole primary and half of second. The reason that I do not go on with only second is that I do not want to get weaker since the strength part do not come very easily to me. If I were in Mysore and practicing with Sharath, I would be less concerned because he would move me on slowly, so the practice would be building up… However, now it will be where it is until September … Well, I added Yoga Nidrasana and (which is such a reliever) and Tittibhasana A , B, C, since I was given them by Rolf. Tittibhasanas were the last ones which were given by Rolf before I left Goa. I did them for the first time today since I left Goa. They are killer still, my legs get on fire ☺. I think now that if I did not upset Sharath by doing the right leg first in Dwi Pada Sirsasana when he asked me to show him that one time (I got that from M who kept wanting us to switch sides) (and of course also my head hanging down depressively did not help either) maybe he would have given me Yoga Nidrasana… Anyway, it is not important, I have enough to work on until I see him next time… and I will work on Dwi Pada and Tittibhasana, so when I am with him, it would be less of a challenge; yes Yoga Nidarasana sandwiched between those two is really a nice break, and I also need to work on the exist in Eka Pada… On the other hand, I have to admit that there is a difference between doing only second and combining it with primary! The intensity of doing only second is really strong, and I am not talking only about the physical intensity. One of these mornings as my mind was wandering while I was doing the first half of primary, I realized that when I do only second, also the focus of the mind is much greater! Therefore, I decided to practice twice a week only second, and there is only primary on Fridays and then the other three days are first or second half of primary with the intermediate… that sound ok, no? I asked Peter’s opinion about this and his response was “you are lucky that you can experiment, I did not have this choice…” I guess he had to go along with what he was told at the time…

Well, I am in a good place. I have plans to plan and not alone… and then things to look forward, especially August!!!

Rolling...

2010-04-19T14:54:00.007+01:00

So, teaching is fun as always… of course this time will not last so long, Peter is back next week. In June I will be teaching the Mysore classes again, then for a month. I have to say that couple of them are just seeing me as this one who is filling in for Peter (which is the case) and they dismiss my suggestions… that is all right, I know when to make it clear that I am now teaching in that room and when to let go… On the other hand, I really like that some of my old students are there, it is nice to have familiar faces around, so I am not the total stranger and already I am getting to know others… Over all, it is a good environment and it is a nice reminder of how much I enjoy teaching... Though I will need to make some effort to teach some privates or something during the month of May.

Practice is okay. Yesterday I was feeling super tired, weak and stiff! I don’t usually feel stiff so that was surprising… Still I made it through fine. This morning it was better. I had more power, even though waking up part was still difficult. I guess waking up part is never so easy for me unless I am in Mysore and it is so hot that I cannot sleep and I just get antsy and hiper so the best thing to do is to practice… But then this time I am in much better situation because I don’t have a super long practice; therefore, I wake up at the same time I used to last year but I can take my time to actually wake up. I can do some hip openers, I can sit idly and try to open my eyes ☺ Then I am ready to do my practice. I even do some mini salutations as we used to do with Richard. Those are nice because they get you slowly into the movement, and the legs begin waking up…

Then… I am already making plans for August! I know August is far but I am very tempted about this one workshop. I feel similar to the time when I wanted to go for Nancy Gilgoff workshop, which I ended up going to and which had been very healing for me at the time… and now again I am feeling that this teacher will be helpful for me, so I will do it… really excited already!

Also…. I could not help smiling to myself today. I kept saying that I don’t want to travel in India again, that it is too difficult, too tiring, etc, etc… but then I found myself today looking for Gokarna and then I wanted to google “how to get from Mysore to Gokarna” thinking about my next trip already :p… dreaming is nice. I will see how the visa think will work out, what kind of visa they will give, how much time they will give to be in India and if that would leave sometime to explore…

Uhh my sister is stuck in London. She was suppose to be back yesterday from her trip but the ashes, the volcano, you all know… I hope it will not last too long. She left before I could spend sometime with her… and also it might be getting too costly for her.

Being back home...

2010-04-15T16:04:00.003+01:00

Been back home since last Thursday. It was a long trip to get home. I took the taxi (well, that was a luxury…) from Mysore to Bangalore, about a 4-hour drive. The new Bangalore airport is really nice so I was happy to get there and I even did a last minute shopping :p… Then I flew to Bombay which felt longer than hour and a half, I donnu if it was longer… Then the flight to London from Bombay. That felt pretty quick and I was in London early morning. I was really happy to be at Terminal 5 in Heathrow. I got good coffee, I got some breakfast food (ok, I don’t think rabbits eat yogurt and granola so no rabbit food) then I went to Kiehl’s booth and got the dry argan oil they have and some more stuff. (dear Linda that was my retail therapy!) Kiehl’s is not cheap but I really like their products; I feel that the money I spent is well worth. After three hours I had to run to my flight to Istanbul, yes I was a bit late, himm I got into the plane 8 minutes before the flight, but then we had to wait around a bit, so I did not have to feel guilty... What torturous was that we had to wait in the air for a while after we arrived to Istanbul, I was very much over being in the plane, flying… After we landed it was pretty quick to get out of the airport, but then there was Istanbul afternoon traffic waiting for me… I thought my head was going to explode as I sat in the traffic. When I arrived home, it was nice though. My friend who subletted my apartment took good care of my place… and it just felt good to be home!

The first morning I practiced the primary series since it was a Friday, I did a very mellow primary and it was good. I was thinking I might practice Saturday since I skipped Thursday due to traveling but then I was just tired… lazy… Instead I slept and then met with my sister and went to see an art exhibition of a friend which was really funny… Sunday I went to Peter’s class and also today and also Tuesday. Sunday felt a bit intense, doing only second here for the first time after travelling… well it is not hot here yet and after coming from Mysore where it was super hot and had been practicing in the shala which was full of 70 people, it feels a bit different… still lucky that I had the chance to practice with others rather than alone my first few days. During the moon day, Wednesday, I practiced the standing sequence to one of the led classes by Richard from the Teacher Intensive, which was recorded by dear Sascha.

And today… I began teaching, covering for P who will be away for 10 days. I was a bit nervous last night because it has been 6 months since I stopped teaching… but it was all right. I guess now it is a natural environment for me… and then there are few more things to share since the intensive with Richard and Mary which makes it exciting... to my chance there were also two ladies who were newbies… that was fun…

A bit of Mysore afterthoughts...

2010-04-12T19:39:00.002+01:00

Another trip to India came to an end. Each time the India experience is different and each time what is waiting at home is different. But first of all, I want to reflect on Mysore… Initially it was difficult for me because of the relationship stuff I was going through… It was too much drama; I was too tense, too anxious, to nervous… Even during the practice I was thinking of all this stuff that was going on between me and A… And at one point I got fed up and asked the rhetorical question “ Why am I here?” well, of course to practice at the shala with Sharath. So, then I realized that I have to get myself out of the situation I got myself into… and I did… after that, I begin to breath more freely, with less guilt… Then practice began to get more interesting, more inspiring… Moreover, after so long, I felt that someone was paying attention to my practice! Even though the shala was fully packed and there was a stream of students coming in and out, he was paying attention to me as well as he was to others. Then him moving me to intermediate led class and splitting my epic practice restored my confidence in my practice.. I have been beating up myself for so long, not feeling good enough for my teachers, for them to pay attention to my practice… So, it has been powerful, and transformative in some way, just like it has been with Richard… and actually reaffirming the same thing, that my practice is okay… just work hard but not get gloomy about it. Again realizing that practice should not make us gloomy, it is just a tool, one of the tools, to learn more about ourselves but not a place to begin another fight with ourselves… rite? And when Sharath says “be a student, be patient, you need to be a student many years, 10-15 years, you need to do one asana maybe ten thousand times to perfect it, be patient, be patient… and study yoga but no more physical practice after the morning practice, this is enough or it gets crazy… read yoga texts…“ and then one goes uhhh it is just a practice we do which is part of a whole practice and so don’t neglect the other parts of the whole…

Rabbit like

2010-04-06T05:37:00.002+01:00

This week is uber hot in the shala. Yesterday was a very sweaty practice but today it was even more! I could feel the sweat dripping from my shoulders and arms already during Parsvakonasana. And today I did not have much power... and this is because I think my not eating much at all... With this heat, I think my Vata has been rising and rising (yes there is a Vata heat also) and I cannot eat much. Lunch has been very poor for the last few days and since Peter and Selin left, I do not go out to eat once in a while which would compensate for the other days. Therefore, at home it is carrots, cucumber, beetroot, raddish, one does not get more rabitty than this I guess :) Of course, I eat lots of nuts but being a Vata I don't digest them, after a certain amount, they just go out, otherwise I would be a size of an elephant. Well, I eat fruits but it says in The Hatha Yoga Pradipika that eating fruits only is not enough for a yogi... (Not that I claim to be a yogi, I am not sure if it will be possible this life time...) And this morning was an indicator that I actually need to eat some more. The good thing is that I am going home where it is not super hot so I will eat more. But the downside of this is I am already nervous about being home... Need to stay away from any kind of drama when I am there, from family dramas, from yoga scene dramas, from dramas in my mind...

Bakasana B come please....

2010-04-04T07:46:00.002+01:00

This week passed to quickly practice wise. It was just not enough because still I cannot do Bakasana B, I jump forward but the top of the feet first touch the floor and then I pull them up. At least Sharath does not punish me about it as I have been punished before... However, in every led intermediate, he comes behind me during Bakasanas (!). Today I attempted two jumps and no good, so he said "Bad". Huhhh, I guess he expects me to do it and I feel that I should be able to do it at this point but something, something, it is not coming... what is it? is it really my mind as Rolf has been telling me? I feel like I have gotten stronger and something in me is restless, telling me THAT i CAN DO IT BUT IT IS NOT COMINNGGGG! yeah kind of obsessed about this but then I think that I should just let it go, yes I should try but not obsess about it, it is just an asana... I don't know, I am funny like that, for a while, I was making joke about myself, whenever something went funny in my daily life, I would say it is because I cannot do Bakasana B... well, maybe at some point it will suddenly happen.. . but any tips would be appreciated even though have read many of them which are out there...

Yeah, the led intermediate classes are really intense, he makes us really work hard, I feel my heart racing as we go through the postures and each time as I come to my last pose (now it is Dwi) I am thankful that I have lasted fine... This morning I really tried hard to keep the head up in Dwi pada and it was better than the previous days but I know he will keep me there because of Bakasana B :P.

Well, Sunday is cleaning day in our house but the cleaning lady did not show up this morning and then we asked the landlord if he knew anyone. He sent a man. I had to guide him a little and he did clean the floors. Just half hour after he left, the lady came and I had to tell her that we called someone else because she did not show up... She told me a reason why she came late but I did not understand, and we are leaving soon I said no more. But also last week we were not at home when she cleaned and I think she skipped some steps like mopping the floors and then she asked me for more money... well, what to do , I gave her the money...

So my last three days in the shala this week. Wednesday I will take off from Mysore... there is lots to say about how it has been practicing in the shala this time but I will wait until the end...

Rain fresh

2010-03-31T10:10:00.001+01:00

It has been really really hot, and then the power cuts which meant no fan help, plus mosquitoes, I have been a bit impatient with India for the last week. And today it rained! to cool it all off. I can feel the effect in all, in the air first of all, then in my mind and then in people... This morning we met for breakfast for Gale who is leaving tomorrow. She will be coming to Istanbul in May, so we gotta prepare her for it a little... I don't think much preparation needed for those who has been to India anyways... After the breakfast I drove to Mysore city because I wanted to buy one of those zippered plastic bags. So I went to the Devaraj Market. The ground was wet, muddy, had to be careful while walking to not slip. I walked slowly, and got to my destination where I knew I would find the bag I was looking for. He said 85, I said 50, I got it for 60, probably I could get it for 50 but I did not want any drama... Then, I walked just outside of the market, got the fresh jasmines which were threaded on a string from the same man who sold them to me last time. I wandered a little bit further, looked at the shops which sell coffee but decided I will buy it from Jois Coffee shop which is in Gokulam. I went back into the market, walked through the flower sellers this time. As I walked by, one of them asked where I was from and I said Turkey, and then he said come and, I did not feel there was any ulterior motive, so I stepped back, he wanted something from the man behind him and gave me two small peach coloured roses and told me to put them in my hair, he asked my name, I told him my name and he repeated it and then I went on my way... This was a good moment, this little trip to the market made me see India with fresh eyes again, maybe it was the rain. Since I left Goa, it has been difficult for me sometimes, especially with Indian men. During the trip from Pondhicherry to Bangalore, the bus driver and the attendant getting really mad at Arnaud, the rickshaw drivers pulling us in every direction after we get out of every bus trip, the boy who grabbed my bum in the street, the guys who were driving towards my scooter to touch me, the man who spitted on my foot while I was walking in Mysore city... so I have been feeling more threatened than ever this time... But this morning, it was really calm n the market and the man who gave me those roses really didn't want anything more than knowing where I am from, what my name is and to see those flowers in my hair...

About the practice... The led intermediate classes now feel fine, I am getting the hang of them... On Monday something which was significant for me happened. As I went into back bends, I heard Sharath called my name for the very first time! He was yelling me "Dwi Pada, Dwi Pada, Ahu Dwi Pada". Him calling me with my name rather than just saying "you" was much more important than receiving one more asana. And today, again while I was doing back bends I heard him" Ahu, Ahu." and then when I was a bit slow in looking at him he said "Maya" (Peter says "so he knows both of your names!") and then he asked me "Dwi Pada, you did?" I told him that I did, he said "show me". Of course when he is looking I try to get into it faster and each time I go right foot first even tough I know it is left, ahh! Well, I am not so good at this, and plus getting into it faster, I was not able to raise my head so much while he was saying "head up, head up". The thing is one of the questions in my head is answered now... When P filled his application mentioning our plan and me, I was saying that he probably does not know my name or that I am from Turkey so it is fine... but yes he knows my name and I guess where I am from also... so what is next???

Maya

2010-03-26T15:16:00.003Z

I guess one of the reasons I got so emotional the other day over my friend's email was that she named her little daughter Maya. Maya is my Osho sannyas name which I have used over the last three years and this was the name I was using when I met my friend. However, in the middle of Richard's intensive course, I decided to go back to my given Turkish name Ahu. The reason was the realization after Richard's talks that naming was a mind game, it was just distraction from the real experience. I told myself that if I wanted to show dedication to mediation and/or I want to make changes in my life, I just do it, I do not need to change my name to do this... Well, it can be a powerful and significant thing, name changing, and I guess it was at the moment when I did but now I can and have to do these things without any symbolism... Also, as I was sitting in the weekend long meditation during the Intensive, I realized who is sitting there was the same person, whom I was kidding? just have to do it, instead of creating distractions, that was it...

On the other hand, of course Maya is a good name. When I get home, I have to write some quotes from Ka where it talks about Maya, really nice... I am happy she named her daughter Maya...

rambling

2010-03-22T14:29:00.006Z

I just got an email from a friend with whom I met during my last trip to Mysore. We were together only couple of weeks, then she left but during those couple of weeks, we spent good time, and get to know each other pretty well. She was staying with Gita and I also moved to the upstairs room at Gita's house and then when she left I took her room. And after so long she wrote to me today, and attached were the photos. Even before opening the email I knew it, I saw the attachment and thought that those must be photos of her and her baby(!?) I did not know that she gave birth but I always remembered her telling me that "Gita says girls who stay in this room always have daughters" in the room we both stayed.. And yes, she gave birth to a beautiful baby girl! As I was looking at her photos, suddenly this though passed in my mind "will I ever hold my own baby in my arms like this, so gently, so lovingly..." and I felt the sadness... I never thought that I wanted to have a baby. I cannot even maintain a healthy relationship, leave that to the side, I cannot even find/choose the right person. So I felt the sadness that it might never be possible for me, but the thing is I never knew I could be longing for this... There were all these selfish things to accomplish before, and those things to accomplish, would they ever be accomplished in this life time? Wanting to be free from relationships so I can float as I wish, no one should be on the way of my missions... then could there be any space, time for a baby? Maybe at the right time with the right one... not much more to say other than my friend looks beautiful with her lovely daughter.

Quiet week...

2010-03-21T09:53:00.004Z

This was a calm week. Not much happening. The weather has been super hot and I have been feeling more tired and having an understanding of siesta culture... I even had a nap one afternoon! The practice has been okey, feeling more settled with it and today's led intermediate was less tortures... well Sharath's count is not exactly 5 breaths, more like 10 breaths, rite?... But no new postures yet... During led I am thankful that I finish so early but during Mysore classes I can for sure do more... I wonder how those guys pull off all that Karandavasana, Nakrasana, I guess you just put yourself on automatic gear or something...

On the other hand, Flora left this Tuesday for France. She decided to empty the house and I was suppose to move to another place but Mari's friend Sandra showed up and stayed with us couple of nights. She is here for a month, doing Bharath's TT. Just couple of nights before we both were suppose to move, I looked at her and said why don't we make an offer to the landlord for 3 more weeks since the rent was paid for most of March. I am here until April 7 and she is here until April 10, it could work out. So, just like that, the next day we talked to the land lord and he accepted our offer since he would not be able to find anyone at this time... The funny things is that I and my new flat mate are born in the same day, I am just one year older.

Tuesday, I went to this tailor who is a bit further away. The first time I went with Dev; Dev is the one who knows where he is. On Friday afternoon I was going to go back to pick up my stuff (yes that soon!) and on Wednesday I told Dev to pick me up but then he forgot. Therefore, I had to find the place own my own, and I did fine until very close but then got confused, called the tailor, with his little English it was difficult but he understood me somehow and then I told him that I am in front of the school, and he came there to take me to his place. Now, I know where he is exactly! And as I thought that I don't have more things to get done since I am trying to keep the luggage small, this morning I went to town with Sandra and her friends from her TT and got more fabulous fabric! Now I am stuck with them, I am not sure whether to make things here or take them home and get them made into something home... Here it is always a gamble. The dress he made is really okey but about the shirt he made I am still not sure.. so with these new fabrics, I really want everything to work good because I really like them... what to do, gotta a decide...

This week, I also began chanting at home after practice. Well, I am trying to be consistent with what I do after practice... After shavasana, if the changing room is not full, I stay longer to do the pranayama I learned from Rolf or I go home and do it but it is kind of nice to do it right after. Then I come home and I put one of the recordings from Richard's intensive and chant the mantras we were chanting. Kumar told me that chanting Gayatri mantra will help quiet my busy mind so I will add that also. I might as well go to Jayashri these last couple of weeks few times a week. Soon I will chant alone at home all I want, so I should take advantage of being here and get my lazy bum out to chant with other students... it is always more powerful, no?

Now I need to do my sanskrit homework and then it is conference time...

Bits...

2010-03-16T04:49:00.000Z

Ohh well.. nothing so interesting lately... I have to say that I am a bit homesick these days... which is a healthy thing for me I guess. I have been struggling with being grounded lately. There is a bit of anxiety rising from wanting to go home but not exactly knowing how things will turn out when I am there. Maybe I should leave this to then, I mean I cannot really do anything about this now because it is a bit complicated... Anyways. Also, this journey I did not do much to stay grounded, not much effort to sit still, which is working against me. I used to be much better with making an effort to meditate and this time I have been very very lazy except some mornings sitting for 10 minutes. Actually, Osho Kundalini mediation to shake off my anxiety will work well.

The practice getting more settled, I am getting use to doing only second. The first few days were not easy, I was sore in many places as I mentioned but now soreness is gone but this time I have a bit off not so right sensation on my good knee also, which is worrying me but I am trying to be careful with it and not to over worry (if I can manage). but what is up with the knees!??! There was nothing with this one and then I began doing only second which is much more merciful on the knees but still something happens, I don't know what to make out of it. And something always happens here in Mysore, I wonder if there is some other reason to this beside the physical reality of it. uhh I donnu maybe not to read into it too much. Also maybe walking around too much with not so supportive sandals can be the cause... On the other hand, the intermediate led was still challenging second time and made me a bit nervous especially when Sharath came behind where I was during Bakasana! Ohh well, what to do, I try my best with Bakasana B but still I have to get more courage to jump high enough to not let top of the feet touch down...

By the way, I began Sanskrit Level I again. Lakshmish remembered me of course with his sharp memory... But he is still not giving homework, I want homework, it is so fun to do those things... he told me he will give me extra work since I have done this class before and I want to go beyond a bit more than level I. I also began studying what we have done with Richard in Boulder. I am listening to the recordings Sascha made. Of course sometimes I am lost because it is voice only and then Richard or Mary says you do this or that or the muscle is like this the bone turns this way... and if I do not remember what they are talking about I have no clue what they are saying :)... I should look up online to the photos people put up after the training, they might hold some light to me when I am lost.

Okey there is another thing. I have been going nuts about what to do when home, rite? and maybe I am saved from worrying about the first couple of weeks. After, arriving to Istanbul, few days later I might be covering P's morning Mysore classes for couple of weeks, so that will keep me busy. After that, maybe I can figure out what to do, how to do... there is no hurry really, why am I worrying so much? it is the Vata mind, needing some grounding.

Split from Primary

2010-03-10T08:52:00.001Z

Well, it is a whole new territory now! Last Sunday's led intermediate was okay despite me being really nervous about it. The first Surya Namaskar and Sharath tells Nick to move his mat to the front and makes us all wait in Chaturanga and begins counting 1,2,3.... and laughs... We were about 40 people and there were as many on the doorway watching us. I found rescue by placing myself next to Jeff. We were at the back, very close to the "office" ( not the new one). I was afraid of the Bakasanas, Bakasana A was alright, with B, I hopped, top of my feet touched the ground, pulled them up and survived 5 breaths on my sweaty arms and jumping back was a bit of a disaster :). Then, as advised by Peter, I stopped and looked at Sharath since this was my last pose he gave me; when he saw me, he moved his hand indicating to continue, so I did. Bharadvajasana and Ardha Matsyendrasana easy as usual, so I continued and Eka Pada Shirshasana was okey and then sweet Dvi Pada Shirsana which was pitiful... of course this time there were not all that primary series to open up the body before these LB postures and then the time pressure to get into them in a led class... Therefore, I heard Sharath yell "you, stop!" and of course it was me. So, we stopped, went back to the finishing postures... My first intermediate led was intense but I did it without any major embarrassment. Of course I tortured Peter about whether I would be split or not after this led and he said "I am not sure about many things but if I am sure about one thing, you get to Eka Pada and he splits you, this is how he has been doing for many years..." I still had to ask Sharath. Luckily, on Monday he was in a good mood and when I looked at him he smiled and I asked "now I do only second?" and he said "yes only second now on..." So, just like this what I have been wishing for became reality before I even expected. And now I have super short practice; it is a bit longer than one hour but it is not easy as much as it is shorter. I guess doing all that primary before the second series postures was really opening the body. After the led class I was sore on my thighs and my shoulders and in front of my ribs... On top of this, Monday I began sweating tones with Surya Namaskars and the sweat never stopped pouring and my power was very low, maybe due to the heat and maybe my body is confused to go onto second right away... But then I was tired the whole Monday and Tuesday as if I was not doing a much shorter practice... Today, I feel more in tune, getting back to normal. In the mean time, my mind was not short of producing all these questions and comments "practice is so short and not much vinyasas, what if get weaker, already I am not strong enough? Rolf does not split before Karandavasana and he still wants me to get stronger... ohh this Japanese girl was in intermediate led class, why is she doing primary series now, is she going to go onto second series after primary, ohh stop watching her concentrate!" Yes, yoga suppose to quiet the mind; I guess this is the quieter version of mine... Still I had to run to the shala on Tuesday morning and wait at the door until Sharath, who was still teaching, looked at me in a "what do you want?" way and I said I have a question, he came and I said "now I only do second but so short practice, I am afraid I will get weaker" and his response was "weaker? no, you won't get weaker, more postures are coming..." He probably thinks that I am a super Vata strange one... Well, I have to add that doing only second has a different effect emotionally and I guess this is expected since it is Nadi Shodhana which works on the nerves system while the primary series, "Yoga Chikitsa", work on the body and very much grounding... So, with only second I have been a bit more anxious but I expect that will also settle....

What else other than all this asana practice notes... Himm , on Monday I began harmonium classes with this lady who is up the street. It was utterly confusing because I know how to play the piano. I think if I did not know anything, it would be much easier but since I knew the notes and scales, what she was telling me did not make any sense. I thought of dropping this desire to learn music here... At night, I searched at the internet to get more clear about what she showed me and I read that the notes in a scale were not fixed in Indian classical music as it is in Western music. The teacher, instead of telling me this, just told me to forget what I know and later on to compare the two systems. I guess she could tell me that the notes in a scale is not fixed, so I would stop trying to make sense, because when she said Sa is Do and Ma is Re but then she hit Sol for Sa I was totally bewildered... oohh well I will try one more time tomorrow this time with my friend who knows nothing about music, lucky her...

Himmm my time moved down to 5:15 AM, I think soon enough it will be 4:30AM! it is really, but really hot here now. When we have power cuts in the evening it is so intense, sweating all over and my bed is so warm as if I have put a electric blanket.

By the way I might do Sanskrit Level I again since I don't remember anything from the last time... It begins this afternoon... still undecided... have to stop the sweet stuff, then confusion might be less as Kuckoo suggested. uhh as for sweets, I am only eating fruits and dried fruits, even that has negative effect I guess...

A. Grabbing !@#?!>

2010-03-04T13:09:00.003Z

Okay, I know the title is a bit radical... but I am frustrated with this ass grabbing in Mysore... The first incident happened during the first week I arrived to Mysore on the street we live, which is just parallel to the shala, not a doggy place... I was wearing shalwar style pants and a t-shirt, walking up the street. this teenager Indian bay on a scooter came by and asked if I wanted a lift and I said no and kept walking. HE stopped there for a while, and then he began driving from what I was hearing since he was behind me and then suddenly grabbed my bum and said "get a lift!" I was so angry, I wanted to run after him, but of course he was on scooter so he just drew away and I yelled something in Turkish with that anger and feeling of humiliation. Then I had an another incident today. I was out of the dentist and I wanted to go to the city, to the Ashoka bookstore to buy this book which teaches you basic Sanskrit so I would remember what we learned in Level I Sanskrit last year and then I could continue with Level II Sanskrit classes at the shala. Therefore, I was driving my scooty in the traffic and this time I was maybe not prepared well, I forgot my scarf, I was wearing a skirt which was on my knees and a t-shirt maybe a bit wide in the front. Suddenly these three boys on a motorbike appeared by me began pushing me to the side and one of them began trying to grab my but from the side! I was in shock, I yelled and tried drive away and then this Indian lady in a van came by and stopped and they went away when they saw her. This was so dangerous beside being humiliating! Afterwards, the lady with the van came by me at the traffic lights and told me that it is my responsibility to dress up more properly and these guys are low class etc... Well, I guess I have to wear only pants or very long skirts here... I thought knee lenght was okay but apparently not at all. But the shock was they could kill me doing this while I was driving in the traffic! I was trembling a bit when I arrive to the city and felt as if I was naked or something... and Ashoka was out of stock of the book I was looking for. All was for this lesson I guess...

Well, there is some good news as well. I have been keeping this one. On Tuesday, while Sharath came to help me with Chakra Bandhasana, he asked me what posture I did the last. I said "Bakasana" and then added with a smile "Trouble!". However, he said "you come to Intermediate led class this week"! I could not believe my ears, I was so excited and this was so unexpected! After Chakra Bandhasana and a squash, I grabbed my mats and walked to the changing room for finishing postures.... After doing the finishing postures, resting and sitting for a while, I was already doubting myself, "did i hear correctly, did he really say that, did he really mean that I come to Sunday intermediate led?" So, today I had to ask him before leaving the shala "I come to intermediate led this Sunday?" and he nodded and said "yes". well this is a good step forward. At last I see an encouraging sign from a teacher...

Second month

2010-03-01T14:20:00.002Z

I paid for another month on Friday. I was a bit goofy when I went into Sharath's "new" office to pay. I asked him if he would want to come to Turkey and his answer with a smile was "Do you have 100 students?" , I chuckled and said "maybe 20..." so, for now this is out fo the question...

Friday I was moody, moody, moody. But then I went to kirtan which was held at this place very close to where I stay and that was very nice, healing energy for me. Then, I came home, with the desire of warm milk but the gas was finished :(... I did not have cold milk. Saturday I woke up with a totally different mood. I met with Peter and we went to this dosa place which is near the zoo for breakfast. They only served dosa and idly. We had couple of dosas and then decided to go for a venture and ended up at the zoo :) since I have never been to this one. Peter assured me that it is not a depressing one and indeed it was quite nice. Lots of different kinds of animals... I liked that it is a very green zoo and it is very well kept. Then, the rest of the afternoon, I was at the pool (!) yes this trip I began going to the Southern Star pool... well this weekend was a long weekend due to Sunday fullmoon so the pool was not crowded at all. When I arrived a friend was also just going in so I spend most of the time chatting with him and of course I also swam couple of times. I guess the pool can be a intense place when it is crowded with yoga students but I have not come across to this yet. The funny thing wass that in the enterance they asked us for our passport and visa copy and couple of photos! Well, I do not walk around with my passport, so they said "bring next time" and handed me a form. They said they will be issuing a card for us... I donnu if I want to go through this hassel, but since the weather is uber hot I might need to. I also heard that there is another pool which is also nice but does not have much tree shade...

Sunday, moonday, I thought that I have been stuffing myself a bit too much (if you ask with what it is, mainly dried fruits and nuts... ); therefore, I decided to do a kind of fast. Well, it is not really a fast I guess. I had coconut juice and ginger tea in the morning after walking around the lake with Flora. I actually had to watch her having a cappucino at Barista while I tried to swallow down the "ginger lemon" tea they had there, I had to make a proper ginger lemon tea at home after that. Around 1:30 PM, I had little bit of steamed rice, broccoli and cabbage with lime juice and tiny bit of olive oil. After this humble lunch, I had water with lime juice. I was starving in the afternoon, so I ran to get another coconut juice and ran back home ( almost fainting on the way). I was basically feeling weak most of the day but I still had the expactation that I might feel nice and light in the led class next morning but the reality was a bit different. When I woke up I felt fine and thought "ohh nice I am not hungry at all" but then when I went to the shala to wait for the second shift led class turn, I started feeling really hungry and slightly panicing "ohh how am I gonna make it through?" We went in and began the surya namaskars. The first three were dizzy ones and I was feeling weak even in down dog! Most of the practice I was feeling weak, not light at all. During most of the practice I kept repeating to myself " fasting and practice do not go well together for you!" Of course after making through the practice, I ran home to have my breakfast! Afterwards I stopped by Kumar and told him about my mini fast and he said " this is why I am telling you not to fast, you are a Vata, no good for you. If you want to fast, do a fruit fast but eat through out the day not once..." I said I am afraid I am getting a bit big and he chuckled and said" with this practice, in this heat, you think you will get big?" We talked about many things since I do not know how to shut up when I am with him, and then when I was leaving he said " so, no fasting..." I ate pretty well today. We went to Sandya's for lunch and had her yummy food... It was good food and good company. Now I should be ready for tomorrow's mysore class, at least a bit more power ha!

Here comes Bakasana

2010-02-25T11:29:00.005Z

Yesterday Sharath said "tomorrow Bakasana". I was happy to hear this but of course little balloons over my head began appearing also with scripts such as "I am almost at my biggest challenge, Bakasana B. Ohh but does Bakasana mean only Bakasana A or both A&B? how will I know, I should ask someone, etc, etc..." So, with these thoughts in my mind, I left the shala. I helped at the cafe in the morning which was fairly busy. In the afternoon, I saw Jeff and asked him whether I do only Bakasana A or both A&B, and his answer was "Of course you do both! Do you do only Shalabasana A when he says Shalabasana, you do both Shalabhasana A & Shalabhasana B or with Kapotasana, you do both Kapotasana A & Kapotasana B ..." Therefore, officially I got to the point where I struggle the most. But then Jeff was telling me not to worry so much, that Sharath is not so strict with it. But I once got traumatised about this posture and so it is making me nervous. Well, I said that I will come with my helmet tomorrow to the practice, lay it next to my mat and see what Sharath does... Okey, I did not come with my helmet to the practice today and when I was at Bakasana B, I just tried to remember all the tips Monika gave me when we were practicing with her in Auroville. She suggested that I go forward, not trying to go up and slowly down like R&M insists on. Monica said this is not a requirement at the shala and also this way is really difficult for women... and indeed it is difficult for most women. So, I did my best, I landed on top of my feet and then pulled them up, I repeated it few times and then moved on to Urdhva Danurasana. Sharath was around and he did not say anything, and then he came and helped me with Chakra Bandasana... I think what Flora told me last night also helped me to be easy with Bakasana B, she said "Just do it like a child as if you are doing it for the first time, don't think too much" :).

What is happening lately...

2010-02-23T07:08:00.003Z

Beginning of a new week with lots of changes and new things.... This week is my fourth week at the shala, I will already need to pay for the next month on Friday. Yesterday I went to the shala a bit early, suspecting that there will be no one waiting and I was right, I went in before my time. As I went in, I asked Sharath if I should come earlier nowon, and he told me to come at 6:30 AM which is a good time.

Sunday I began to help Flora and Mari at the cafe with serving. I will help Flora 3 times a week, Mari is leaving today for France to renew her visa which means Flora will be super busy.... And then... well at last Sunday A left. He left for Jaipur. I really hope and expect that it will be good for him. He did not enjoy it here, our relationship did not work and therefore there was no point of him staying. He is a traveller. He keeps telling me that he is not a traveller but he cannot just stay in one place more than a couple of months :) and I tell him each time "so you are a traveller..." he insists becuase he is like that, like a child he wants what is in his mind at that momnet without seeing the big picture... Anyways... bon voyage...

On the other hand, I recognized within these last couple of months, I am fine on my own... but maybe this is fooling myself after one more "not the right one, not the right situation"; in a way giving up the idea that there is more balanced, harmonies relatinships... whatever, who knows etc, etc. Yet I am in a good mood, I am happy to be here. As many times I mentioned, I enjoy the practice at the shala, I am excited about many things that are offered to us to study and to get nvolved. I am also going to S.N. Jois again, actually this afternoon; the things he told me last time proved to be very much right to the point eventhough I was a bit offended at the time (ohh such a Virgo I am , no one can criticize me except myself, rite? well that is changing...)

I hope this week to be a good one. Sunday is full moon, I wonder if that is the case in the shala as well...

Slowly getting rooted

2010-02-19T07:41:00.002Z

It has been almost three weeks since I got to Mysore... Things has been a bit complicated the first couple of weeks here and just now everything seems to be sorting itself out... I am staying with Flora and Mari still and it seems like I will stay with them the most of the time. Mari will leave to renew her visa, so I will have her room for a while and then the living room again... It is a nice home, I got very used to being there, and also living with Flora and Mari feels very good emotionally. On the other hand, things with A got a bit difficult since we have been in Mysore but I had a sense that it might be like this before coming here... I was a bit overwhelmed with 24 hour days together especially since I have been single for a long while. Needing the space and the time for oneself... but more than needing the space for myself, it became more clear once we got here that we have different interests which get in the way... I guess couples can have different interests and they don't have to get in the way, if they do, it is just an excuse for something which is not working... I am just being honest... While travelling, you get into relations which are sometimes only the reflection of that moment and then once you are out of that moment and space, they just go downhill. Of course you can also meet the perfect one for yourself but this time, this is what has happened... Goa is sometimes "non of this is real"... it was beautiful while it was but now it should not go on anymore... Nowadays I question myself a lot regarding relationships. However, more than blaming myself, I should learn from this whole experience... relationships are suppose to teach us about ourselves and yes I see a lot about myself, what has changed, what has remained the same, where I am more aware and where I still need to work on... So, like this we have to carry on with our lives. just a little note to myself...

Well... being in Mysore feels very good in spite of all this. I have been really enjoying the practice in the shala. It is full power and it is really full! First weeks, my beginning time was 8 AM and I got in almost around 8:30AM (shala time of course) then I moved down to 7:15 AM. Some people are leaving, some people are coming. Yesterday, after chakra bandhasana Sharath asked " you did Kapotasana? Monday Supta Vajrasana" so I got my first next asana since I have been back. I hope to get split before I leave because this long long practice is not working anymore, depleting and too long for a daily life... Peter also arrived last weekend. It is very nice to see him here! We had a nice conversation over the breakfast this morning... exchanging notes and ideas for the moment, for the future...

Ohh not to forget, I just finished Kumar's ayurvedic massage course this week. It was great to spent this time with my very good friend Kumar and I learned a lot from him. We were 4 people in the course and this first week was ayurvedic information and massage and the next weeks was how emotionally we get injured and massage. Now I can do a whole body massage but it is quite tiring :P I got to practice it so I get used to it.

Then, yesterday, I went to Jayashri for the first time! I really loved it! I love chanting especially after chanting with Richard. I have not chanted since our training and surprisingly the sanskrit pronunciation all came back as we chanted yesterday. After chanting, Jayashri's brother did the philosophy talk, this time he answered only questions and even though it was not very focused since it was random questions, I found him very good, very knowledgeable... Therefore, I definitely want to sign up for this 11 AM chanting-philosophy talks... I will also be helping the cafe 3 mornings a week so I guess I will be either chanting or serving at the cafe.
More to come as I ground myself more to Mysore life. Never been here in this busy time but it is all right.

Late post from a week before

2010-02-09T06:45:00.002Z

This is written a week before:

Friday night we left for Mysore... but such a night it ended up being. We came back to our room at 9:00 PM, the taxi was supposed to pick us up at 9:30 PM to take us to the bus station, our bus to Bangalore was at 10:45 PM. As I picked the cover of my bag, I saw something and thought it was a spider but then I saw the curled up tail! It was a scorpion. I called Arnaud but he was at least as scared as I was and even more panicky. We tried few approaches but since we were both too freaked out, at the end we decided to call the guy who was doing the "night guard" duty. He did not speak English much and thought Arnaud was talking about a snake... I tried to describe that it is a small insect with the curled up tail, piousness... At the end, scorpion came out of where it was hiding and began running as they kicked the bag. The guy just killed it with the stick he had in his hand. He was laughing at us that we freaked out about this. I felt bad that we killed it but I had no other idea... what else we could have done since we could not be able to catch it and take it out without it biting us. If it bit us, then it would be another crises... When the scorpion event ended, we realized it was time to go but there was no taxi! I called the travel agency from which we booked it and the guy said he did not have a taxi so he called someone else and they should be on the way and I was like "what are you thinking, we have a bus to catch!" Then I began panicking because I really at this point wanted to leave this place. We went to the owners house because the night guard said they have a car and they could take us but the woman who was in charge was so stp/#@!t.... she was first asking if we paid the rest of the rent which we did to the owner, then she was saying that they will call another company and I was saying that there is no time to wait for another cab and she was saying " yeah sometimes I want to go too but I cannot..." bla bla bla.... but then we heard the taxi coming and we ran to put our stuff but I was out of mind at this point because we still had to take the scooter we rented to the travel agency and for a minute I thought that we just leave it there since they did not care to send the cab on time, they could deal with it themselves with getting their bike back. But we being we, even though we were more than 20 min late took the scooter, but the taxi did not know where the travel agency was and I was trying to explain him and Arnaud was driving behind us, we had to get to the travel agency so he can drop the bike and then he would get on the taxi afterwards. Well, at the end we managed to get there and Arnaud, angry, dropped the keys and yelled at the guy who was at the agency... the guy came out and he was, of course not concerned about us missing our bus, asking if we had paid for the bike which he had done when we went there in the afternoon to remind them that we booked a taxi to go tot the bus station at Pondichery. Anyways, the taxi driver just put his emergency lights on and drew us like crazy to the bus station. At the end, we arrived in time and we paid him almost double of the fare because he did all he can to take us on time.
Of course the story never ends... Then our bus came. We were waiting for our bags to be put under the bus but they were not paying any attention to us, so we waited and waited. At the end, A got a bit restless so he opened one of the side lids of the bus but there were batteries (something like that) of the bus not the baggage space so he closed it but the lid got out of its place slightly! It did not came out because he forced it , kicked or whatever, it was going to come out when someone opened it and that someone happened to be A. But of course the men who worked for the bus agency got all very furious and began yelling at him, and then they were trying to put it back maybe 5-6 of them and quarreling among each other. Then the bus driver came and he really got mad, and almost walk over Arnaud and began yelling that he should pay 1000 rupees. They kept trying to put It back and at this point, Arnaud was really upset... but then they managed to put it back! A apologized to the men who put it back and as we finally entered the bus, Arnaud apologized to the bus driver as well and in return, he yelled back at him that A should pay 500 rupees. Finally we began our journey and we arrived to Bangalore on time around 6-7 AM. As A went to get our bags, first they did not want to give us our bags unless he paid them 500 rupees. I did not realize all this because at this time I was trying to deal with this man who would not let me alone, he was trying to get us in his rickshaw but I just wanted to see where I was and get a bit more clear about what I will do next... I was really irritated since I just woke up and I was in the middle of all this chaotic place where buses, people, rickshaws were all over. A managed to get the bags without paying anything and when he got by me the man jumped on him since he could not manage to get through me but then I just had to yell at him in Turkish so he would leave. Then I found a guy who worked for the buses and asked him where the bus station for Mysore buses were, he told us at the other side and then this other rickshaw driver next to him said he would to take us there for the half price of all others and so we went with him. At the bus station , we were seeking for the Mysore bus, and they told us to go to the very end of the bus stand and as we were walking two men said their bus is Mysore bus and we were a bit confused, we got into the empty bus but then A heard him say Ooty and he asked are you sure this is Mysore bus and he said "yes direct" but I could not sit still so I got out and ran to the end of the bus line and all other men kept saying go to the end for Mysore buses and there was the Mysore bus almost full, ready to leave so I went back and told A to pick up our stuff. The men in that bus were "where are you going? this is Mysore..." and I was " please let us go". for sure that bus would pass by Mysore but it was totally empty and in how many hours it would be full... Well, they were trying to fill it so we were the perfect fish. The other bus, as we got into it, left for Mysore in couple of minutes. It took more than three hours to get to Mysore city and since we sat at the very back with our bags on the wheels, we did quite a lot of jumps, any kidney stones should have been eliminated after this drive. After we got out of the bus, again some men jumping on us... I just kept cool and walked out, then found a rickshaw for 50 rupees to go to Gokulam which is more than the fare but I wanted to end this trip. We stopped by Anokhi garden so I could get the keys from Flora. When she saw me she jumped with excitement, it was great to see her in her dream cafe! Everything looked so nice, they opened the front part of the house as well, and the space looked so clean and really reorganized in a tasty manner! So I got the keys to Flora's house where we were going to camp until we find a place to live...When I got back to the rickhaw, A was saying that the driver now was asking for 70 rupees because we made a stop. When we arrived to the house, I bargained with the driver and then agreed to pay 60 rupee just to get over it which is double price.... of course 10 rupee, 20 rupee is no much at all but one feels taken advantage of so many times that after a while you began this tag of war with them.... Well, maybe it is better to just let it go instead of getting so stressed out. Then I went to the chocolate shop to make sure that we were at the right place and A took the bags out. When I got back I looked at the pile of bags and then realized that A forgot one bag which I placed behind our seats... and the rickshaw was already gone. We were a bit doomed but really we should have felt blessed because in that bag there were stuff we really liked such as his blankets, his long sleeve shirt, my Japanese sweatshirt, my favorite FabIndia cotton scarf, my liquid stevia, his organic honey and jam from Auroville but nothing really crucial such as money, credit/ATM card and passport! so over and over we repeated that we lost nothing that could have hurt us.
So we entered Flora's house which is really nice, spacious, and clean and bright. We took showers and head back to their cafe for a really yummy breakfast! It was really nice, Flora's fruit salad, her homemade yogurt, the musli, the gingery pineapple coriander juice! All perfect, made with love and care!
I could not register the same day because it was Saturday and that is the only day te office is closed so the next morning I practiced at home, I was already up at 3AM with excitement and then the some day I registered. I told Sharat about my knee and he asked what happened and when I said the doctor told me that minuscis is fine but there is inflammation over the femur he said good then it will go away. My practice time is 8AM! so late, and as I got to the waiting room on Monday morning I saw maybe at least 20 other people waiting and I kind of panicked wheter I would be able to practice that morning! After half an hour wait, yes I did practiced and sweated a lot more than I have sweated for the past year...
We still did not find a place to stay,. Gokulam is super packed. But next week some people are leaving because it will be the end of a month since Sharath began teaching... of course more are coming but hopefully we will be able to get something which will become available before the new comers...
On Monday, I also began the massage course with my good friend Kumar who is a very good body worker and also transomatic dialogue therapist. We are only four people doing the course so we get lots of guidance. I enjoy it and hopefully I will learn well and keep up the practice so I can give massages at some point and make some money also as I travel.... and it is also good to learn how to touch in a right way when you are a yoga instructor.
On the other part of things, I have to admit that I have been having a bit of difficult time with being with A for 24 hours. It has been 3 weeks since we have been on 2 4hour hour schedule and it began getting on me. After so many years of alone time, being so used to be on your own, having your own plans and programs, then suddenly someone else enters the picture... not easy for this Vata woman but I wish that is is not impossible... We just have to give each other some freedom in these coming days.

Travel notes...

2010-01-23T10:42:00.003Z

It has been long while again since the last time I have written. I have been moving a bit and that is why I have not written. We left Goa on January 8th with a sleeper bus to go to Hampi. It was a long, very long journey because we were on a tourist bus where the people who ran it had no respect. They stopped all the time at very bad places. At one point, we stopped at this in the middle of no where kind of restaurant place at 2AM for what reason god knows. Arnaud and I came out to stretch our legs. A was just bending forward and then I saw this car coming towards us and I looked at the parking spot which was next to us and thought they might park there... and I kept watching this car coming full speed towards A and only at the last second, I pulled him back. It stopped right in front of him and there were young (drunk?) Indian men, and the one who was driving got out and yelled at A something which I cannot remember now. I was really scared but more than being scared, I was feeling really stupid and almost passive because I kept watching the car, anticipating it to just pull towards the parking space instead of taking A and moving to the side... I was almost frozen until the last second and it could have been really late! What if as A raised his head when the car came too close and hit him on the head... all these things kept coming to my mind when we were later in the bus for many hours.

Instead of arriving to Hampi in the morning around 6-7 AM, we arrived around 1PM because of stopping for zillion of times. Just before we arrived, maybe 10 minutes before, we stopped again and at this point, Arnaud, with frustration, went to the driver to see why again we were stopping. The reason was they (people who worked for the bus company) wanted to have ice cream at this spot! But when A came to inquire, they all got into argument and the driver pulled off to continue, the bus company's name is "Island", so please avoid it if you can!...

After we arrived to Hampi and crossed the river to the other side, we began looking for a place. Of course, since we came late, it was a hassle to find a place to stay. All the guest houses were full and we did not think of making any reservations (dah!) thinking it would be easy to find something... After we found a room for Jeremy, we began searching for us... and at last, we found a nice bungalow house. It was a nice place and the people who run it were also very nice, the name of the place was Sunny Guest house if I am not wrong. Our bungalow was big enough that both of us could practice in the room in the mornings, outside there were too many mosquitoes to practice... We stayed in Hampi for about 4 and a half days... We did sight seeing, the ruins, temples, beautiful nature, rocks... So many tourists in Hampi while I was thinking that we were going to India from Goa... lots of young Israelis.. Our joke was "it seems like in Hampi it is Israelis and then us only". The amount of time we stayed was just right but then we ventured to eat out instead of the cafe of our our guest house the last couple of nights and the last place we went to did it! I ordered thali and A ordered Laffa. I looked at the thali, tasted the plain rice and then I told him I am not eating this. The rice was very old and the dhal did not look anything like dhal, vegetables were a paste, not able to tell what was in it... A ate some of his Laffa... Then we went back to the guest house to have Thali there which was quite good (we had that almost every night)... The next morning A was sick in his stomach, just the day we were going to leave Hampi.

We still left Hampi that night and before leaving, at last, we went to Mango Tree restaurant which was advised by Dorion. We could not go other nights because the boat men kept saying that the last boat is at 5PM when actually it was at 6:30PM, and the restaurant was at the other side, just by the river, really nice... Of course my poor A could not eat anything other than some bananas and I had a good thali, feeling a bit guilty since my love could not eat; he was laying down, feeling sick. Then we went to the train station to take the train to Bangalore. Katherine was also there to take the same train. A began feeling more and more sick... When we got to the train, he was first a bit agitated when he saw the small beds and realized he could not be with me and then the men who were at our section wanted to eat before opening the middle beds and A was refusing to go to top bed and telling me I should go and rest and I was just trying to control the whole situation by telling him I am totally all right to stay up until they are done and he sould go up and lay down... I guess men are much more difficult then women when they are sick :) ... At last, all was settled. The train got to Bangalore early morning. We went to bus station and took a local bus (!) to Tiruvannamalai ... The bus was totally full, with some people sitting or standing in the middle. We were the only Westerners in it but it went right to the destination with few stops, once to have short toilet break and other times to pick up passengers. It was tight space but it was all right... Of course a bit more difficult for A who was sick. Tiruvannamalai was no fun for me. We stayed in this hotel ( which was advised by someone) in the middle of industrial shops instead of staying where other Westerners stayed. We had to take a rickshaw in one day maybe 3-4 times between our hotel and this place where everything we wanted to see was ; to eat, to rest in the hotel, to see something, to eat again, to go back to hotel... Rickshaw drivers were not nice as usual, A was sick and I was not really into all this spiritual things that were in the town... I could not care less and I thought I was going nuts, I hit the point where I was panicking beyond reason, I had to get out! In my mind,I already began planning that maybe I should go back to Bangalore next morning with the first local bus and then to Mysore if A wanted to stay there. But he is so sensitive, he already felt that I was not willing to stay there more than one night. Also, I was looking to see how much it would take to take a cab to Auroville while he was sleeping but he came to see where I was instead and then asked me what I was asking to the man... So, he said okey we go next morning early, no need to take local bus, we ask for the cab and see how much it costs... At the end, we arranged a cab for 8AM to leave the town. I was very much relieved. Yet, I have to admit that the Krishna Temple in Tiruvannamalai was beautiful and very very big, I think it is the biggest Krishna Temple in the South.

We arrived to Auroville in couple of hours that morning. Our guest house in the middle of jungle, really nice. It was Pongal festival; therefore, everything was closed; the information center, the solar kitchen etc... A was still sick. We got a cab and went to Pundicherry to a nice French restaurant. He could eat at this point. But next day he was sick again and this time, he agreed to go to a doctor. The doctor prescribed him some antibiotics. He was getting better each day but then Sunday night we both got sick from our stomachs and had we both threw up... The next day I could still get up and go for yoga, A would not let me go alone, he wanted to drive me to practice. I wanted him to rest instead but it was actually good that he came because the place we thought Monica was teaching was not correct and we had to search for the place for sometime. I am sure if I were alone, I would not be able to find it. The next day, A also began coming to classes. Monica's place is really nice, beautiful. She is as a teacher very strict ashtangi, for me it is a bit too much since I have been studying with teachers like Rolf&Marci and Richard who incorporate Iyengar approach when needed. We are here until next Friday and then to Mysore. Auroville is beautiful and convenient for Westerners. There is this beautiful meditation center called Matrimandir which is a golden ball. We still could not go in yet because there is a bit of procedure to get in, watching a video, info session and then need to book 2 days a head every time when you want to go for meditation., This is for me a bit bizarre... It is good to have an orientation session before hand but needing to call 2 days in advance each time when one wants meditate makes it a bit unavailable as a mediation center... For me, it is the doll of the Auroville where you see it from outside...

Over all, I have to admit that I see a lot about myself in this journey and I get a good reality check. I say I love India but when I am faced with situations which are totally away from my Western ways, I still have hard time. It is good to be in Pune, Goa, Mysore... all these places where there are basic Western standards available and where I know my way around... but then when I am faced with new places new situations, I can freak out... and also I see myself in a relationship. This time, India trip is totally different. Showing how much I have grown up, matured up and how much more I still need to work...

Goa as it is and some more

2009-12-16T11:51:00.004Z

It has been more than two weeks since I arrived to Goa. It is again not the same... I am happy to be here in Goa, happy to be with my teachers and my friends... The new shala is much better than last year in my opinion, one room, bigger and more walls to practice on. My practice has been a bit back wards in some ways since in Boulder we were not doing our usual practice and also Marci is much more precise with somethings then Richard was. For instance, downdog with bend elbows, elbows looking to the back of the room... so surya namaskars were killers the first couple of weeks... I guess little by little the strength is coming back, although monday morning Marci put a block in between my elbows during drop backs because she thinks that my arms not strong enough to stay square... sometimes it feels like it is never good enough... well with a block between the elbows I can go down only so far and then I feel like I will drop on my head. It feels like circus... can you go down with a jug on your forehead? Well enough of complaining. Since Tuesday I am beginning at 5 AM, first shift... It is good to finish earlier and sometimes it is a bit intense to be waking up so early :P

I also went to Cuckoo on Monday and also today, the Taiwanese doctor here. I have met him in Istanbul many years ago, he is a good one. I went for my knee. He said that I am confusing, that it is not the knee but my hormones. Holding too many emotions there, he said and the energy line goes through the inside of the leg and so also where I have the knee pain. They did cupping, acupuncture and then I am given a tea for cleansing, then some pills, they are lotus something, and then calcium. Also no sugar! Fruit is okey for God's sake, also good quality honey but I am not keen on honey anyways... Unfortunately no more of those Goan sweets I like which are made with jaggery and coconuts, one is pinnag, the other is dodol...

What else... there are some more happenings and also very nice people this time. Getting together for food and drinks...

How can I forget to mention suite 50?

2009-11-27T08:55:00.004Z

Well I forgot to mention suite 50, or cadaver lab. which we went for the anatomy part of the intensive... That was a whole another experience with many levels in itself. First and most it showed me what this body is, what this body becomes... It was not so easy for me, especially the first time but I stayed both times. Besides the obvious teaching of what this body becomes, it was also very educational in terms of anatomy. Of course when you see the real deal, it sticks to your mind much better! and how amazingly we are layered inside, so meticulously.. layers of meat, bones, skin, fat, tissue, the internals... they were all out there on the table. A practice in itself...

Reflections before leaving Boulder...

2009-11-26T16:41:00.005Z

The whole month passed so quickly... I was scared the first morning when I was walking down to Yoga Workshop... I did not know what to expect, I was intimidated... But as it was intense (well it was an intensive...), it brought more ease within me. Both Richard and Mary were wonderful... Mary motherede us all, she was so patient with us and she was so giving and also a very good teacher! Richard's intelligence, knowledge, passion for investigation but also compassion for all of us have been so inspiring. In normal terms, I would be intimidated in the presence of such a person like Richard but I was not because Richard was also so humorous, and he was also so easy about the whole, "this is nothing, all is nothing, thank you for nothing..." and his understanding about not knowing and his constant encouragement to be intelligent, to investigate and his sarcasm... We, the students, were all 100% attention, trying to absorb as much as we can. I, personally got a lot from this experience in all levels... Asana practice gave a whole new perspective to my own practice, to the approach to the form and also to teaching... The philosophy talks were eye opener, and now I am more encouraged than ever to be curious, to learn more about the whole philosophy behind yoga practice and also Vedanta and Buddhist traditions. For this reason, I am travelling with all my books to India to re-read what we have already read and read what I could not read from the homework and listen to Richard's talks (thanks to Sasha who recorded all of them!)... Then, of course the meditations... It was a good beginning for me towards what I have been contemplating about for a year. I have been wanting to do a Vipassana for a year, I have been doing Osho meditatiopns which are all wonderful as well, but I have been wanting to sit for a period of time, and watch all that is in my head... Therefore, the meditation sessions we had at Shambala center, Jules, who shared his experience, knowledge and insight to meditation, have been all an encouragement, and also indicated me that my desire was in place... Well, also something which is important for me came out from those times we sat on our cushions. I have been in doubt about having my Osho sanyas name "Maya" for a year... After the last time I was in Pune, the time I did the 3 month long work as meditation program, I was not so eager to be associated with the Osho community... I have nothing against Osho, I love him, he speaks to my heart... but my life style, my interest in yoga, my discomfort with men's approach to women in the community and the stereotype sanyas image have been indicating me that I need to shed some stuff. Soo the clarity came during the weekend meditation retreat... I realized I do not need to change my name to show my dedication to meditation, I just need to sit and watch. Changing one's name can be a powerful experience, a new beginning, and at the time when I changed my name it was an important period in my life also; however, now I see that who is sitting in that cushion is not someone else, it is me... and it is all empty, whatever name you give it to, it does not matter... Ahu, Maya, Ganesh, Beautiful flower, etc... it is all nothing and everything... and I do not need to change names to get closer to what I am seeking, what am yearning for, I just have to investigate, be intelligent, not go into lethargy but be passionate, be excited and look deeply into whatever I want to know... so to simplify things I decided to go back to my name Ahu... This was such a big relief for me... and it is such a small detail also :)
Now I am at the airport... My journey is long, very long. In an half hour, I will be flying to Chicago, then to London, from London to Mumbai and then to Goa! The housing situation in Goa went awry due to double booking they have done at the place I booked. So, after a wee,k I have no place, but hopefully I will figure out once I get there. WEll, time to wrap up for me... gotta fly!!!

Short one

2009-11-16T02:37:00.003Z

I have not been very chatty lately primarily because of the training. It is full on. Last week was intense, and we were all tired by Friday. Tuesday we went to cadaver lab for anatomy class. That was intense for me; on the other hand, seeing all the muscles, bones etc. in real is very effective to learn. Readings have been many and I am behind a little. This weekend, both days, we were meditating at Shambla center from 9:30 AM till 5:30 PM. This was intense on my knees, especially on the left. Then it snowed again, but I have a feeling that it will not stay long. Tomorrow is a new week! Lets see what it has to offer...

2009-11-08T17:54:00.002Z

It has been more than two weeks since I have been in Boulder. Even though it is a university town and every coffee shop has wireless internet connection, there is no internet cafes. So, my first week, I used Naropa university library computers once thanks to Shane. He gave me a grand tout of the university and also sorted me with the bus system... Then, a week later before the course began, lovely Bethan arrived, she is also staying in the same house with me so I had the opportunity to read my emails from her computer. And now, I got a mini... well... I thought about it and thought it would be too much to buy a mini computer but then Bethan was smart enough to suggest that I can sell it before I leave India to someone who would like to be connected while traveling, or sell it at home... So, I got this mini HP today... It is really light and it does all I need...
Of course the real news is not me owning another electronics device.... It is the training.... So far cannot be any better... Richard is a river of knowledge, he is amazing me everyday more and more with his knowledge and his attitude, his personality and his humor.... Also, Mary is wonderful, really soft, caring but also really but really grounded, strong personality (she makes me wish that when I reach her age I can also reach her state of being... if this sounds strange it is because I donnu how to quiet say this I guess)

The training is asana practice which goes slowly through primary series, meditation, chanting in sanskrit, philosophy, and sometimes more asana to talk over adjustments and anatomy... learning correct adjustments, what not to touch, pull, push in someones body. I have to say some differences from previous teachings I had, so I am glad to learn more corrects ways of adjusting... The chanting part makes me feel like I am in Mysore. Richard's sanskrit is really good, and also his chanting is really good... ohh then the philosophy talks are just making me wonder how all this knowledge accumulated in one person, and is there any possibility I can reach that level in this life time? I feel like not really possible for me, but that is not the point really anyways, we are who we are... Then the meditation part. We meditate everyday after asana practice, and the time of meditation is getting longer slowly and then Wednesdays are hour and a half meditation at the Shambala center, which is a Tibetan Buddhist Center. We had our first session at the center this Wednesday and Jillian who is a Tibetan translator for the Lamas visiting the States and who also practices at the Yoga Workshop introduced us to the method of the meditation they practice.

I am thinking more and more that I need to spend more time in Boulder. I am thinking maybe rolfing... and that would be a great way of learning much much more about anatomy... and also studying Sanskrit somewhere. I think I come back here next spring, and maybe for a year... I see... everything will shape in its own time and way. It is hard to tell what will come up in the next months and I have to learn to pace myself instead of getting too excited and anxious.

Today is Sunday. BEthean and I walked in the morning to the shala for Richard's foundation and form class but he was not teaching it, De was subbing for him and I have already done it with her, so we came back home. I really want to do this class with him, I hope he teaches it next Sunday. But this afternoon is Mysore with him! And tomorrow, we go on full schedule again. Tuesday is our first cadaver lab visit, kind of nervous about it.

A Week

2009-10-16T15:02:00.003+01:00

So, I practice with Peter and his group of students for a week. Nice group of people, very peaceful energy, and Peter’s presence as a teacher is also very good. It was good for me to begin practicing with others again. I see that I get nervous practicing with others after such long time of alone practice; I realize this mostly during standing postures, it takes me much longer to get grounded… specially utthita hasta padangusthasana becomes difficult.. The mind, wandering mind gets you out of balance ☺ Over all, it was very motivating as usual to practice with other students. Being in my friend’s class was very nice as well. I also feel good if any of my students decides to continue Mysore classes with Peter because I know that he will be a good teacher to them. I actually feel lucky for his presence, dedicated students will find their way to him and he is a good friend, what more I can ask for? Maybe this is not very sound in business perspective but I guess I will never make sense in business terms in yoga... what to do...

What else…. Himmm a week is left for me to take off to Boulder. But more than excitement, I have a bit of anxiety…. a bit of resentment… which I do not want to carry around. I will see what I do… I met with my beloved body this noon, it was really good to be with her, talk to her…

nice surprises...

2009-10-12T17:42:00.002+01:00

So, the last class was very nice. There were people who were not showing up for a while also. At the end of the class, some of my students gave me gifts! A group of them made a very cute Ashtangi genie post card and attached a nice silver needle on it; another one gave me silver earrings; and another brought me a book by Walt Whitman, “Laws of Creations”. I was not expecting this much… Actually I was not even expecting more then few people showing up for the class, so this was a nice surprise. Afterwards, I had coffee with few of them and chatted for a while. That was also lovely.

The rest of Sunday was pretty much about organizing stuff in my apartment: Storing the clothes I will be leaving and at the same time, already trying to figure out what to bring with me to such journey. All the places I am going requires different type of clothing; Colorado will be cold, next is Goa which is not real India, mostly beach clothing, then Mysore, it is hot but a real Indian city, therefore requires more conservative clothing, then who knows what is next ☺. So, I was going round and round in my apartment…

Then, in the evening, when I was checking my emails I saw that I got another nice surprise. P. emailed to congratulate for earning a vacation/travel time and to invite me to practice in his Mysore class this week. This is such a nice, thoughtful gift. I was so happy, so of course, this morning I already showed up! And it was great! I had a good, warm practice, sweated much more than I usually do alone. P.’s presence was very nice as a teacher and all the students were focused on their practice. Very nice group. I enjoyed practicing with them very much. Practicing with other people is always much better for me. Also, I realized that I was in the same room where I began yoga and then Ashtanga yoga after a long while….

Today I also had to go to my dentist. What happened in Mysore last year happened again but luckily, this time it happened not right after I left but right before I left. The crown of one of my root canals broke. My dentist made the diagnosis that I should be squeezing my chaw for this to be happening all the time. Therefore, he is also making me a thing to wear at nights on my teeth to prevent me squeezing the chaw : S

Last class of the year...

2009-10-10T17:34:00.006+01:00

Last night two of my high school friends came for dinner. It was really nice to have the girls. I don’t why I don’t get together with them more often, it really felt home. Of course we know each other from very young and we were boarding students together, so we have this bond which is very deep. We had nice chat, some food I have prepared and two of us had a bottle of white. As most of the time, while drinking, it is good, tasty etc. but the next morning, I feel so dehydrated and bloated and hungry every half hour (!?) Thank God I don’t drink as I used to anymore! Now, it is only maybe a glass every other week and more than one glass like last night is pretty rare…

Of course, I woke up at 6AM this morning, even though I was in bed after 12AM. The alcohol does not let me sleep much… so what I did at 6AM on this Saturday morning was reading children’s version of Ramayana ☺. I just finished reading Ka finally. It was a very good book but not an easy read… so it took me a while. There are so many books to read… now I am reading one of the versions of the Bhagavad Gita Richard listed in the reading list. They will be giving us another version during the training…

What else… ? Tomorrow is my last class of the year. I hope it will be a nice one like one of those Sundays where the energy in the room is really harmonies and fluid. I hope I was some help to the students who came to the classes. I tried to share whatever I know… I am aware that I am at the very beginning of all… I tired to be open and giving and also I tried to learn from them as much as they were learning from me… I am not sure what will happen when I come back. I have a feeling things will go differently… where to teach and all… Here is not much space/acceptance for Ashtanga. Things are becoming more and more concentrated in Anusara at the studio. So be it; I have no problem with this, I just don’t have any training or interest in that style. I just might need to find a place for myself to teach and that might be the best thing that ever happened! Well, there is so much till then, so much will happen within me and out there, I will change with all the things ahead me and who knows where I will end up, how I will end up... no need to spend much energy on all this. I just want to get things done that I need to get done before I leave...

I also met with K. the Rolfer in the afternoon. We went on talking about alllllll sorts of things since I had much to tell and he always has much to say… It was nice, and hopefully I will see him before I leave or I will see him in Goa.

moment

2009-10-08T12:18:00.000+01:00

Last night I woke up just before 12AM with the feeling of as if I have slept the whole night… it was not convenient… I tried to go back to sleep but it took a while and of course, in the morning, it took me a while to get up. I passed out for extra half an hour before I realized this and had an “OMG I should get up and practice” moment… One thing that kept me up and kept me dwelling on was this experience I had yesterday during meditating. In the middle of my meditation (I guess) I got to the point where I was just in the moment, feeling very neutral and total, just really being in the moment, witnessing… I have experienced this before in previous times, but I tend to crowd it with thoughts rapidly. This time, I let the thoughts pass by from over my head, not letting them touch… and then I realized the fear. It was such a moment that there was no time, just the moment and I could stay there forever and not knowing how long I was there, eternity... and then of course, I would disappear ( I guess?)… Consequently, there was the fear of disappearing because of course I wanted to go to Boulder for the TT and then to India and on and on; I did not want to vanish. I don’t know if I make any sense… but next time, if I can get to this state again, I hope to relax in it even more… maybe this experience I had was the reason why I was up so early feeling like if I have slept the whole night, maybe it provided me a good rest…

About the practice? After Richard, the practice feels different, more fluid and also strong… Even 2 days with him made a difference in my practice and teaching, I cannot imagine what will happen in four weeks with him!!! Tomorrow and Sunday are my last classes to teach for this year… Then I will be getting ready; I will be getting my house together for the person who is renting it, I will be applying for Indian Visa, which I need before I go to the States… and I will be spending time with some friends and my family… I had breakfast with my POL body this morning, we are so similar no wonder we were bodies! I love her!

R. Freeman!

2009-10-03T19:05:00.002+01:00

At the end, I decided to attend Richard Freeman’s workshop which is happening since this Friday evening. I am very happy that I have this opportunity of meeting him and studying him before I arrive to Boulder. And what was I thinking when I said I will not go to this workshop? I am so weird sometimes… I am in despair here about not having a teacher and then the teacher whose TT I will do in a month comes here and I hesitate about going to the workshop? It just does not make sense! Last night, after the first session I was so high with excitement, with inspiration… Richard is great; he is so humorous and full of information. I was expecting him to be teaching Ashtanga with an Iyengar approach but this is not the case… He is very different… yes, there is alignment of course but the emphasizes on the internals of the practice, drishti, bandhas, ujjai breath, as the key… the central axis, the nectar, and releasing the palate with an ‘Aaaa”… ohh I am so excited… there is so much to learn from him! This workshop has been great for me for getting familiar with his teaching and also as I have told a friend, I realize that every opportunity of studying with him is a blessing!

At last...

2009-09-26T17:32:00.004+01:00

Ohh yeah I did it at last, went through a Chriz Chavez treatment this morning. The funny thing is that I didn’t have to think much. By this I mean the following: I was out last night until after 1AM (with my POL friends )which is something I rarely do and then I woke up at 10 past 10 AM which is something I rarely do and then I just threw myself out of the bed and out of the door to go to Chris Chavez’s Anusara Yoga class which is something I never do…! Well, I just had to experience this to get rid of the curiosity of C.C. about whom so many people has been talking about… Yeah, from the beginning till the end of the class what I feared happened, there was here and there “Maya this Maya that, Maya do this Maya do that" kept coming out of him. First, it was “ Maya, see that tattoo on your left shoulder how bright it is? I want your lips to be as bright as your tattoo, smile!!!!” then again, smile!… then spread the feet hip distance in uttanasana, tadasana (well I got that after two times). Then the first demonstration and who he picks is “MAYA! Come to down dog and throw your hips like a ball over your shoulders”!!! yeah exactly what I have been struggling over for year and a half! How does he picks on that is something to appreciate! And he made me do that for 5-6-7 times as Marci was doing during my last month in Goa. And then coming to hand stand… it was fine and then we worked with partners. Before the class began, I placed myself in a safe spot, next to Yigit who is one of the new graduates of the teacher training; I know him and like him, so it was good to be partners with him. As I practiced with Y jumping up with two legs, I realized that I am going forward enough to coming to handstands, whereas I always thought that I was way far away… At one point, Chris made us also do opening the legs and rotating them around and then lifting left hand first and then the right hand. Then, we went on with other stuff until coming to back bends…! With back bends a different approach with arms, he wants students to open the hands almost as wide as the mat. I go for hands as wide as my shoulders which is the way Marci teaches us. Then again he made me come up and then wanted me to drop back with open arms which I did… he thinks this way is more opening the heart but I do with arms up then reaching up and backwards and I think with arms floating on the sides would be a bit too much for a beginner and they can lend on top of their heads instead of their hands… then he again made me come up with floating arms on the side... that was alright for me. But he was not satisfied he said “she is already too open it was not as dramatic so I will show on someone else...” Therefore, with two other people he demonstrated, and one was this big basketball player and that did not look so great to me, he wants people to come to the toes, lifting the heels to come up which is exact opposite of what Marci wants you to do. She gets so mad when you lift the heels; as a result, I had to learn not throwing myself up and lifting the heels for which now I am grateful to Marci because much more stable way of coming up and stronger legs…

I can say he really makes people high, he knows good anatomy, he knows what he teaches very well, he is a good person… On the other hand, for me, his class was too much exposure and I am just out of ‘Path of Love’ for God’s sake… and then too much talking, pointing people out, too much yeah you can do it… and with the smiling thing… sorry but a bit giirrrr…. He went on most of the time with stuff like Maya is this and that, and I have been feeling just the opposite actually, very weak for the last week and he sees through this and so, he points out what you are struggling with right away but in an opposite light… However, I was uncomfortable with all the cheering because I know my ego would love, would totally love it but what I long for is not satisfying my ego but being me, just pure me with no illusions around it (ha! Wow! My sannyas name had to mean something; for the first time , now I see that this is perhaps why I became to be renamed as Maya...! I guess I should be thankful to Chris for showing me this)

Yet, I am happy that I went to his class, so now I know what it is like. And once in every six months or even once a year of Chriz Chaves seems enough for me ☺. I really love silent practice and this is not because I am super serious but because I need to internalize to get grounded. The main reason I practice is to be grounded to this world. And the most important point for me is being able to do something not when Chris is cheering and helping me but when I am alone, by myself, with my self-knowledge knowing that I can do it or discovering that I can do it and doing it. OF course I am not undermining his help, he shows people that their capacity is beyond what they believe it to be and that is really helpful… but for me, the bottom line is I gotta do it myself. And perhaps that is my weakest and strongest side; don’t like to ask for help, can’t ask for help and also trying to learn standing firm on my own feet…

P.S. I watched an interview with B.K.S Iyengar on Youtube yesterday. At the end, the interviewer asked if his ego was being pumped by being Mr. Iyengar, the person who had the biggest role in having yoga spread to the West, receiving so much recognition, respect, love... His answer was “I am grateful to God in Yoga, that they are punishing me, this way I am happy to get some injuries now and then so I become quiet. I am happy that something comes to me so I can devote my time more and more to my practice and be free from this egoistic cult” . His answer is a great teaching. I understand more and more… (I cannot post the interview here since I can get to youtube from sideways due to it is being banned by Turkish Government… )

Dilemma or not

2009-09-23T17:59:00.002+01:00

I have a dilemma…. Okey before my dilemma I have other things to write about…. Right after I came back from Path of Love. it was a religious holiday here so not many people at all. Sunday the usual suspects came to the practice but then Monday and Tuesday they all slacked… A was still here when I came back. Monday he was the only person who came to class and we kept talking for a long time and at the end, he decided not to practice… then he left the next day for India! Very exciting.

I cannot wait to be in India either. My next journey is getting closer, only one month left for me to leave! Ohh my God! Exactly one month later I will be taking off for another one. I am trying to have no expectations… really, trying to have it blank, so I am not disappointed with myself or others or with stuff…. But of course it is not easy… well I am still excited but trying to keep it at that. Well there are things to do before I leave so I will begin focusing on them systematically.

What else…. My practice is okey… a bit less power but then handstand practices feel good… I am not sure what to thing about my practice anymore… and then the dilemma: should I try out this Anusara teacher’s class? I am so not wanting… and so, it will be forcing myself to do something I do not want to do but then a. I am curious b. I am scared, but why? What am I avoiding? Maybe nothing maybe I am just dreading to be forced to do stuff I feel like I cannot do. Then I already have my practice which I am happy with and I am not so interested in trying out everything out there. Does this make me narrow minded or someone who likes to focus? ohh I will see how I feel on the weekend. If I have an intention I will go… if not, it will be just fine because it will be my choice.

Okay… how am I feeling after Path of Love? I am feeling good. Better sleep. Meditation everyday, which I enjoy, and have the urge everyday… Reading KA which is not an easy book to read… also reading some poetry and sometimes writing too… a bit unsocial with other people, who has not done the process. that

Back from Path of Love

2009-09-18T10:50:00.001+01:00

Yes! Back from Path of Love and I am amazed! It was a wonderful journey! I am so glad I have done it. This will be a blessing for me in my present and future… I feel funny about all the frustration and excuses I had before doing it, because it was worth everything I have given to it! I feel like words cannot describe… but what I can say is that it is an honest work on yourself! If you truly dare to open your heart, just go for it! It was not easy at all but somehow you commit and go through it and the outcome is you will see…

Well, this morning was my first practice in a week but since I was physically active all week long, it was okay. I was in a nice steady pace. It felt good to be on my mat. I did only primary and it is Friday anyways but uuppps today is a moonday! Well it is new moon and I took it slowly…

This morning I had coffee for the firs time in 3 weeks and I am so shaky now. I am literally shaking, my mind is too overwhelmed. I guess I should have begun with decaf. Uhhh, well tomorrow will be decaf because I still love the taste.

Almost POL

2009-09-10T13:00:00.001+01:00

Tomorrow afternoon POL begins… I mean Path of Love. I donnu what to expect anymore. I have been frustrated with myself about getting myself into this… I have been thinking “ohh what are they gonna make us do? I don’t believe in this, how can things change in 6 days???… blablabla… Ohh well, I did sign up for it tough, so I better go with it. Dad used to say that one should finish what they begin, not to leave things half way through… Maybe signing up was not really half way through but it was a beginning and I guess it is better to be done with it. Then I will not keep hearing about it and wonder whether I should do it or not…

Well, about this week, about the practice… It was an okay week… the practice was mostly good except on Wednesday morning. Wednesday I was tired, heavy, all the usual excuses for not having a good practice. But I have been good and never skipped practicing handstands… Yes, I need to do them everyday even if it is only once.

The weather has been rainy all week long. It became cooler but the practice got sweater(?) the humidity I believe. With the classes… there is one guy who has been coming since Sunday morning… he has a wonderful practice, great energy… enjoyed his presence and I assume other students also. Then, there is a newbie who showed up on Tuesday, and he is doing great!

Yesterday was big rain all night long, which means as I was practicing ☺ … There is suppose to be a big rain tomorrow as well. I hope that won’t create problem for us to arrive to the venue where the POL will take place. I have to admit that one nice thing about this POl is silence for a week! I think that is what I love the most.

Well one last thing is the new movie by Tarontino, Inglourious Basterds. I went to see it with mom yesterday and it was really good. I recommend it.

Coffee Break

2009-09-05T09:30:00.002+01:00

I am a bit low in moods. Perhaps it is part of the quitting coffee process. Yes, I am quitting coffee for Path of Love because during the process, we will not be allowed to drink coffee ☹ and I do not want to have the withdrawal when I am in the process! I am a bit rebellious about this because they let smokers have few cigarettes a day but not a cup of coffee to coffee drinkers in the morning!!!! Well, to tell the truth, I am fine with not having coffee for a while. It is perhaps good to detox from caffeine, it is just difficult with my early rising schedule. I stopped last Sunday, so I can have couple of weeks to get back to normal… but I have been drinking a cup of black tea in the mornings; however, this coming week, I will not even have that... Maybe green tea for the first couple of days…

Practice has been okay, maybe a bit heaviness… would that be due to no coffee I wonder? But also a bit weak maybe… I have been lazy with practicing hand stands and then on Wednesday, when I tried to press against the wall I could not do, which was something I had discovered that I could do after my castor oil bath a month ago… well, I got a bit obsessed, so I tried many times and at the end I managed to squeeze out one… but I wonder what was the reason that I could not do it all of a suddenly… not good bandhas that morning maybe… or not doing any handstands while on vacation… and then being lazy about them here…

Thursday afternoon I went to the island to see my parents who got back from their vacation on Lesvos Island! Since it was a moon day on Friday, I stayed over night. This time, I was really good to be in the island, very peaceful, quiet, and it was nice to see my parents after a long time. I also realize swimming is really good for my knee. The doctor also mentioned that when I saw him a month ago; he said that swimming increases the blood circulation, which is quite low over the bone area, and so it helps with the healing.

Well, one good news is I found housing in Boulder! That is very relieving. I was beginning to get nervous because I will be in isolation for a week during POL and what if something come up from the studio regarding housing, I would miss it again as it happened while I was on vacation and did not have internet access…. So that is sorted out and I also have a friend to rent my apartment for at least the last 3 months of my away time…

Now I am thinking of going to Yin Yoga…

Post weekend

2009-08-31T09:40:00.001+01:00

I am very moody today, I guess it is the Path of Love nervousness or something… I am thinking now that 6 day process cannot do much… maybe will do a slight thing… maybe I will explode during POL, ha and they will all run out. But now I just want to be by myself.

Anyways… Yesterday, I was actually full power surprisingly after all the food I had during birthday. Birthday was okey… but I decided not to do such a party again here, I felt like a little kid. Maybe if I am away somewhere in India, I can be with friends, have a nice lunch… that would be lovely… sigh… I miss India so much. Actually I had enough of being here now, and now I think I don’t even want to come back… Ohh, I am so negative today and it is just the beginning of the week. Well, this morning I was very sleepy when I woke up and during the whole practice I was low energy as oppose to yesterday. The point is everything changes as I see in my practice from one morning to the other... so my thoughts will also change about being here and there, etc....

Then, I am getting all excited as I read Susananda’s blog about Sharath’s workshop in London, but there is still time for me to be in Mysore and who knows if Sharath will be there teaching… nobody.

Okey maybe I should not blog when I feel like this. I should sit back and read something and get my mind off the negativity… or sit with it and see which is more real as Suzuki asks, my problem or myself who is sitting? And what is my problem by the way? Well, complicated but: being here, not being strong with certain individuals, and being apologetic for being myself… uhhh

Today is the birthday day... 32!

2009-08-29T07:26:00.001+01:00

Today is the birthday day… Yes already 32 and feeling as young as ever. This year I guess it will be different. Last year, I entered my new age only with my sister, a bit depressed and feeling lonely. This year, we are having small garden party in my sister’s beautiful garden. And I see how we contribute in creating our own happiness and unhappiness. Last year, I was stubborn to organize anything because I thought there was no point. Yes, I was in a negative mood, negative about myself, about being in this city, etc… This year, actually my friend suggested that we do this garden party and so I invited few friends… and we will see how it goes. I have a feeling it will go fine…
I am trying to bake my own birthday cake as usual. Actually, I already baked the cake (chocolate beer cake from Delia Smith) but it does not seem to be the way it should and I know why because I used whole wheat flour ☺ and the chocolate sauce is not done yet, it is too bitter, have to adjust it… kind of a mess but I am sure people will be fine no matter how it turns out.

This week was fine. I was a bit sleepy in the mornings… I think it is normal since I was waking up at 6AM while on holiday and then going back to 4AM was a bit tough. Then I had to show something to a student because I could not describe it with words but then that brought up the pain on the side of the knee which was actually getting better and better… I was a bit frustrated but then as the week went along, I began to have more and more soft attitude towards myself, my knee, my pain, my injury… I just realized my practice is not about what I can do and not do… and I have faith that I will heal, I just have to believe. And I guess acupuncture would help tones but have to wait for that since I do not know any good place here in Istanbul. I am also doing hip openers every day to reduce any stress that can go to my knee…

Also Path of Love… The process begins on 11th of September but actually it already began! They send you questionnaires and those really begin the process. After filling the second one, that same night, I began having nightmares about people from my past… people I should have let go long time ago but obviously they are still under the carpet. I hope the process will do the cleaning needed!

Okey, going back to birthday mood! Happy 32 to me! I feel very blessed for having Yoga in my life, having my teachers and my friends in my life, having the opportunity travel, and live in India every year! And yes blessed to have such a great family.

Back from Lesvos

2009-08-22T10:43:00.003+01:00

I am back from my vacation! It was very nice. Lesvos is a beautiful island and I felt very lucky to be there from the first day. And yes, I was very lucky because the first moment we stepped into the commune (Afroz) we met my sister’s friend and his girlfriend who is also an Ashtangi! It was such a good luck as you can imagine because I had a practice friend while I was there! She has been an ashtanga practioner much longer than me and therefore, she is more advanced; but she is, as most long practiconers, very humble. She usually practiced the same sequence with me and she also gave me very nice adjustments! I could not have been more fortunate! We usually met between 6 and 6:30 AM at the Buddha Grove for practice. And there was a guy, who became a friend later on, who sleeps on Buddha Grove (he likes to be under stars while sleeping), so he would wake up to us practicing and then he would begin his own Thai Chi practice… and then some more people would arrive to do their own stretches and yoga practice…

The 3-day group with P & S was nice. It was called Love, Devotion and Surrender. Personally, I did not like the first day so much, but I enjoyed the second day of Devotion. We did Sufi zickers and Chanted Hindu mantras to live music during the second day… and the second half of third day was also great, we did Stop dance to live music and the musicians went wild with the music coming to some divine peak and so we did with the dancing…

Then the rest of the time, I took it easy… Swimming in the ice cold waters of Lesvos, which was very good for my knee. Then, eating good food, deserts, and all the fresh figs you can imagine ☺. Going to White Robe every night, which is much more relaxed than it is in Pune… We hung out with my new ashtangi friend and his boyfriend a lot. His boyfriend was teaching Cherokee dance, so I joined them every morning after breakfast to do the dance. Then I also met some people I have known from Pune… it was great! People from all over the world getting together. Since Afroz is not so big, the vibe was very much family like, warm…

Being back of course is always a challenge but I feel okay today. Istanbul is not super hot at least and I have somethings to look forward to. First of all, I missed my students, and I am recharged so I feel good to be back to teaching. Then, I decided to join Path of Love which will happen in mid September. Since I have dedicated 10 weeks to love and this group has been popping up on my face with better payment plans etc… so I decided to do it. And then of course Boulder where I will be stuck forever… well this is my feeling but then I am so devoted to Rolf… which will pull me to the east again.

Vacation Almost!

2009-08-11T10:17:00.001+01:00

I am on the verge of a vacation!!! Yes, my sister and I will go to Lesvos island tomorrow. My sister says it has the most beautiful sea… and of course, we will have lots of fun staying at Afroz, the Osho center in the island. The first three days will be a chanting and mediation group with Premartha, Svarup and Milerepa. Then we will do our own thing; participate in daily meditations, lay at the beach, swim, eat, drink, be merry.

I am also hoping to get a nice rest. Not to wake up so early… and take it easy with practice a bit so the inflammation on my femur can recover fully. It has been doing fine but now the doctor told me to stop using the medicine and see how it goes without it, and he told me to take it easy until it heals to do point that I can do everything without pain… Without the medicine, I feel it more. Therefore, need for more attentiveness still, not to push it at all… and it should be okay, I have to have faith that it will heal… it gets difficult sometimes… my usual all or nothing side starts yapping that I will be stuck with this situation… ohh the mind… but then I say nothing is permanent, all is changing constantly, so have faith and do what you must do! I do what I must do: I take care and practice with care and not loose hope.

Now I need to pack, and pack lightly, which is always a challenge!

Night life in August or ever?

2009-08-08T10:00:00.001+01:00

Yesterday I cooked Indian dinner for couple of my friends. I cooked the dishes I have learned at Tina’s cooking class during my first time in Mysore: palak paneer and vegetable kurma and. Moreover, I cooked dal from Sivananda cook book and samosas and plain rice. It was too much food but they are not vegetarian so I was a bit concerned about feeding them… Consequently I ended up with lots of leftovers; so much that I can have another dinner party tonight… well I put some of it in the freezer.

Of course there was lots of drinking on their and on my sister’s part. I barely had a couple of glasses of wine and that was already much… well I used to drink lots also and stay up and party… but now, all that is not so interesting. Not to misunderstand… I enjoy my friends but when I am sober and when it is not after mid night and not in a bar where people are bumping on you constantly. Yeah, later on, we went out to the neighbor hood bar but it was boring: too crowded and not much people we know. So, after a while, we all split. Well, I went out the other week also and it was the same… I love dancing, I enjoy good music but the bar scene, especially during summer time in Istanbul is not my thing… And I cannot do the schmooze thing anymore at least in a crowded loud bar/night club. Am I getting older than I am actually?

Vacation month for Istanbul begins

2009-07-31T10:44:00.001+01:00

I have been not writing… because I was busy and lazy and a bit down and then up…
After the food poisoning, as I mentioned Jen was here last week … it was very nice to have her. She was an easy going and fun guest to have. We cooked together, so I was fed better last week ☺. Then I took her to do the island to visit my parents; that went really well also. It was very good for my parents to meet another ashtangi; therefore, they see that there are other people like me and they are normal, nice people. After the island trip, we went to Grand Bazaar and the Spice Bazaar. Boy, that day was really hot! It was the peak heat of July! But we managed. Jen and I are very similar when it comes to shopping, we do not like to wander around many hours, going into every store; we both like to go to one or two stores, get what we like and be done with shopping. Otherwise it is too overwhelming… I think she enjoyed Istanbul and I hope she will visit sometime in the future again. Now she is in Barcelona, improving her Spanish…

With me… This week, I was really full power. I don’t know where it all came from, especially after a sickly week. Last week, when I practiced for the first time on Thursday after recovering, I was feeling so weak. I did the half primary on Thursday and Friday; my legs were all shaky during standing postures… how one can loose so much strength in few days! I guess with not proper nutrition, all the sickness and no practice, it is like this. However, after couple of days, the energy picked up incredibly. I was surprised myself. I guess this showed me few things: 1) being healthy makes a big difference in our lives. 2) When one is weak, the practice is hard. 3) Not be afraid of loosing… The second one was good to realize how beginners feel because until now I honestly forgotten how standing postures can be so tough! The third one was good to realize that we can get sick or not able to practice due to circumstances but it is all okay, it all comes back when we are able to get back to our mat again. Learning…

What else? Well, this week was considerably quite, not many students. Yes, that month of the year is already here: the vacation month! I thing I will not be here next year at this time. I should try to move my traveling to do the summer time! Now, I am just trying to stay present and not to get discouraged. It is tough these days for me; maybe the planets are making though alignments or something, or it is just I having hard time just being, stop criticizing myself. Much to let go… THe good news is that I will go to Lesvos island for a week in August with my sister... that will be a good vacation for me!

Now the plan is castor oil bath tomorrow! I got the oil last weekend from the Spice Bazaar. I read the Kimberly Williams article about the bath… I have no soap nut powder nor green powder, so I hope I will be able to was it off with regular shampoo and soap…

Food Poisoning 2...

2009-07-22T18:26:00.002+01:00

I got food poisoning on Sunday, which got me off from my mat and teaching and writing my blog. This is how it happened: I woke up in the middle of the night, feeling nauseas and went “o ohh, is it happening again?” But then weird enough, when I woke up at 5 in the morning, I was feeling well and I did my whole practice with no problem… Then taught my led class all full power; however, during breakfast, I realized I was having difficulty drinking my coffee which I enjoy so much everyday… And after a while, I realized the coffee was sitting up in my stomach with all other stuff and I drank some water but still they were sitting up and then I ended up throwing all up… and began feeling weak, so I carried myself to my bed… After a while, I thought I would get some yogurt and boil some rice and have a simple meal with these. I got the yogurt, boiled the rice, had a bit of that… Yet, they did not stay in the stomach either and at the end, each time I got up from my bed, I was throwing up and I realized that I was having a slight fever… I texted one of my students, who have the key to the shala, that I would not be able to teach in the morning and if she could please open the door for regular students to come and practice and put a note on the door that I am sick… My sleep was very unsettled… I woke up with nausea and headache, and actually could not lift my head from the pillow and then my mom came around noon, she brought some bread and honey so I had simple toasted bread with some honey and tea… but that was also hard to settle in the stomach, I was feeling like something was being squeezed inside all the time… I threw up again and then diarrhea… great combo! Then my mom decided that we should go to the hospital, which is luckily so close by. The doctor at the hospital examined me and made the diagnosis that I had food poisoning. They gave me serum and while that was going in, they ran some blood and stool tests. From the results of these tests, he decided to give me antibiotics. I know many of us do not like taking antibiotics but this time I did not resist at all. The only thing is that, this antibiotic is hard on my stomach also!? I guess it kills whatever is bad and also good inside… I did not go teaching yesterday either, I was still not fully recovered, nauseas and light headed. Today was new moon; therefore, I got a good rest.

Well, I am not sure what got me so sick. But I feel like it was something I ate home more than outside and the suspect is the homemade yogurt. The last one I did, did not settle so well, and also there was power shortage, so figure… Then I guess my too much thinking, worrying mind was a commencer as well… well I am hoping to be learning from all this… This is my second serious food poisoning. The first one was in Pune... then also my mind was confused with what I want to do and what I want not to do...

Now, my friend Jen with whom I met in Goa is here. She arrived last night. It is very nice to have her here, it took my mind form being sick and I am recovering much faster than I would if I were alone. Blessings to the practice and all the wonderful people I meet through the practice.

Gypsy music and some more...

2009-07-15T14:46:00.001+01:00

Ohh, I meant to write this earlier… about last Friday. I went out with few friends to listen to Gypsy music and dancing. One of my friends is a scriptwriter and she is working on a TV series about Gypsies, so one of the things she had to do was to listen to Gypsy music, meet the musicians and the dance teacher. She asked us to go along with her and we were all for it since this sounded so interesting. I went to the island to see my parents but came back the same day to go out with them, even I, the unsocial one did such an effort to be there! And I think it was worth it. The music was really good and it was fun to dance to it. The dance teacher was dancing really well, and since Gypsies are originally from India, his dance was very similar to Indian people’s dancing, which I really enjoyed!

This week is going well. I was very energetic and happy in the beginning of the week. My energy is a bit lower now, but the mood is still good. Yes, I am pretty satisfied with the Mysore classes. They picked up, eventually my efforts begin to pay off! I am a bit exhausted… luckily, in mid-August, I will have a bit of a break… so, I need to apply for a visa again… being a Turk is not easy, need a visa to almost everywhere. I think I say this a lot…

On the other hand, my own practice is ok, but needs more power. Power! Maybe the holiday will help.

Impatience is the...

2009-07-11T12:30:00.003+01:00

This week has been really hot… it makes a sticky practice… I do not sweat so much since I practice much earlier and alone, so only the heat of one person in the room but while teaching the sun is in the studio, students get really wet with sweat and even I sweat… can be a bit overwhelming but I guess the heat opens the body more… so it is all good.

Middle of the week, I decided to go back to the doctor I have seen couple of months ago about the injury I have inside the knee. Well, figure this out, I was supposed to take the medicine he prescribed to me for a month while I only took it for a week. Misunderstanding is understandable since it was mercury retrograde when I saw him back then. First of all, he told me that these kinds of injuries take 3 to 6 month to recover fully, which is good to know. He examined me again and the only pain is inside my leg over the femur bone. Then, he went over the MRI pictures with me more thoroughly and showed the place where I have the pain, which is the bone, and over it is the inflammation. I asked him whether I was suppose to not do anything when he told me to rest it because I have done yoga and “tried” (sometimes unsuccessfully because of impatience) to not do things that hurt it… He told me to be free to do anything which does not hurt it. He also told me two other options to heal it which are much more extreme solutions than I would go for and he was not suggesting, just informing. One is this medicine with very strong side effects (he would not even tell me the side effects!!!); they give it to you and you stay in the hospital for 3 to 5 days (due to side effects I guess) and then you go out and do your yoga or whatever as if you have had no problem before. The second one is operation; they suck out the inflammation. Well, of course, I am sticking with just anti-inflammatory medicine and being “patient” since this is my karma yoga for the season!

The funny thing is that I began reading “Ka Stories of the Mind and Gods of India” and few pages into it I found myself reading these lines “…impatience is the only sin.” Well I should get the message already… everything in my life pointing towards this. By the way, I have only read few pages from the book but it seems to be fantastic… very excited, so I better go back to it.

By the way, the decision for August is going with sister to Afroz. I will not do the Satori since swimming is not allowed. I think it would be really good/healing for my body and mind and soul to soak in beautiful salty waters of Lesvos island… I will do the 3-day mediation chanting group which should be fun!

I would be...

2009-07-05T15:57:00.004+01:00

Rest of the week, my energy was high. Waking up was a bit slowww due to the heat, which do not let one sleep properly… But, after few Surya Namaskars, my energy has expanding and I would be wide-awake. The achy part near the left knee has been better with my own before sleep therapy, which consists of moksha (my sister got them from Dr. Passang while in Pune, they are incense sticks looking like cigars that you hold near where you have aching, swelling, etc.) and maha narayan taila oil on the achy part and massaging each foot with little sesame oil for about 10 minutes. I believe massaging the feet is especially good because they are all connected right? Feet, knees, hips. If one begins to open up, relax, then the others would also benefit from that. This is my strategy. Therefore, with all this, slowly getting better, but then on Friday, I got over excited and attempted to do Marihchyasana B and D properly. With D, after couple of breaths, I decided this was not a good idea yet because the pain was biting. Well, rest of the day it was a bit achy. Patience is the key! I cannot believe myself that I am still not getting this! I would be my worst student! I have to confess I am not as caring with I am with myself as I am with my own students! This is neither good nor smart! I know I know I know! I apologize from myself and I promise to take care! Now, it is good and I am being patient.

With classes, thing are going fine. Consistency is almost there. Still people are going to vacation and coming back but it has been all right.

Then… I am thinking of doing Satori in Afroz. They have one in the beginning of August. My sister and I have been planning to go to Afroz for a week. She will assist her teacher with a 3 day chanting and meditation course and I was thinking I might do that course. However, yesterday I suddenly had the idea that since I want to do a Vipassana course so much, I can do the Satori instead for the time being. I will see what will be the final decision; it all depends on whether we are allowed to swim once in a while during… and of course to the cost.

Heat buzz

2009-06-30T16:41:00.001+01:00

Ohh I am so tired today… it is insane. After coming back from teaching, I had my breakfast and I just could not help it, I lay down on my bed and just passed out… I could sleep the whole day probably, but I had to get up and run some errands. I think the heat is getting me... Moreover I am sore all over. I am sore in places I have not been for so long… such as my hamstrings… and then also something is pulling on the right side of my lower back… I feel it most during Halasana… it is weird. I am also sore in quadriceps since I decided to do Laghu Vajrasana number of times like Rolf used to make me do when I was learning it. I feel like I have been slacking a bit and therefore, my knees come off slightly when I am coming up from it. So, I do it exhale come down, inhale come up for several times and then do the 5 breath down and come up… that works your quads! Oh well, I need more energy tough, and not drinking coffee doesn’t help. I think me will begin drinking coffee soon… sorry homeopathy.

Sick morning...

2009-06-26T10:42:00.001+01:00

This morning, well around 2:30 AM I was already awake, turning round and round in my bed. Then it was time to get up but I could not because my head was spinning, I was nauseas, so I thought if I sleep one more hour ,maybe I will be ok. One hour later I got up and threw up and had the runs… not so appealing… went back to bed… one hour later I got up, waited few minutes, called S to see if he could let people know that I cannot come, but damn he decided to not come this morning! So, I had to get up and go down to the shala. I let the student know that I was not going to adjust much since I was feeling nauseas… of course, it was not a good idea to go down to teach since I was not able to give good energy to the students… it would be better not to go at all, but I also felt responsible to let them know and there were few new beginners who might have showed up… Anyways… this at least benefits the knee, more rest to it… Now, I am feeling better, a bit tired from not so good sleep but nausea is much less and the diarrhea stopped. I will rest, be lazy, watch TV, read my book, eat boiled rice… and tomorrow, it will be all good.

this morning...

2009-06-24T17:53:00.002+01:00

This morning I had a weird practice, weird because of my emergency modification of the sequence. I did the whole standing sequence (modified ardha baddha padotannasana) and then did dandasana, paschimottanasanas, and then jumped to second series (!) but from shalabasana since even pasasana does not feel good on the knee, and krounchasana is a bit iffy, and I did up to supta vajrasana (modifying it) and did not even do my beloved bakasanas since they are also not great on the knee due to bending it and then I did not want to do any leg behind the head ones… I know this is a bit ridiculous… very unorthodox... but I wanted to do nothing that had to do with that area of the knee... so this what came out...

Well, the thing I realized is last week the knee or the area next to the knee (the pain is not on the knee) was much better but then I had this session with this very famous German body therapist named Manfred. Then it got worse again!? Maybe his session did not work on me. So, now I am back to almost beginning… a bit frustrating but still I am learning a lot. I am learning not to mix up stuff too much, just focus and believe it will be alright. No need for more body therapists, more doctors just do what is needed to be done, rest it!

Okey. Wish me good luck, good healing. I hope to be full power soon as Rolf would put it! Yet, even now things are all right, I am very lucky to have this much as well. namaste to all…

Remembering Dr. Passang

2009-06-23T15:58:00.000+01:00

On Sunday, we went to the island with my sister for my mom’s birthday, which was on Saturday and also for father’s day. Since Monday was moon day, we stayed over night. It was nice to stay out of the city, and spend time with my family… I baked a chocolate cake for mom which turned out really nice.

But I also cheated this weekend. I practiced Saturday, I did not practice Sunday and then I practiced on Monday in a moon day. Why? Well, I wanted to practice without having to do anything afterwards, such as running to the studio to teach… But I think ashtanga gods punished me for practicing yesterday because my body was all achy today ☺

Anyways… The thing is the knee is still not 100% healed and that is of course because of me. I think I might need to give it a real break like not practicing more than standing sequences for a week… because as soon as there is some improvement, I begin getting excited and trying to do more. However, if I do only standing sequence and maybe go over them twice and not pay attention to the knee at all (so I would not attempt ardha baddha padmottanasana) that might give it a better break. Then I will see what happens after a week. I keep thinking of Doctor Passang. If I were in Pune, he would have already fixed it, I am so sure. He is a great Tibetan doctor/ acupuncturist. I went to him my first time in Pune because my ankle was swollen form jumping around too much and a friend swore on him, telling me that he saved her life so she took me him… Now, me and my sister swear on him, especially my sister. I took my sister to him for the first time after the new years eve that same year, she was kind of paralyzed on her left side due to too much Indian Champaign ☺ But then he also helped her with many other things… He is a great doctor…

So they are back...

2009-06-18T13:52:00.002+01:00

So they are back, well most of them… the room is not so empty… I am happy to see especially certain faces…

Ohh yeah, this week had its dramas and incidents…. The last couple of days… yes in that room early morning. Yesterday one of my students fell on her nose while struggling with Buja Pindasana. I felt very responsible. I thought she could lift by herself, so I did not help her. I could have lifted her from the hips, instead, I told her what to do… I thought she was stronger than she is actually, I could have realized that she was not. Nothing serious happened, ice on the nose and then she wanted to continue. At the end of her practice, during shavasana, I did reiki to her. She left happy. I learned a good lesson: it is better to be on the cautious side. I guess this was all coming from thinking that I am not encouraging them to do more. All this other stuff is interfering… what stuff? don’t ask…

Then this morning… another thing. This is more about attitudes. One of them does not totally get the silence, and going within aspect of this practice…. She sometimes stops and begins engaging with what is going on with another who is next to her, or whom I am helping at the moment… so, I suddenly snapped today, I told her to mind her own business. Yes, I can sometimes be abruptly stern, not a great trade, I am aware. Well, later when I tried to help her with something she told me off. I really got red probably at that moment. Then, I had to just go on doing my job and then I sat and listened to myself. What do I feel, what do I want to do with this situation, what do I think? My first thoughts were to tell her that I cannot have her talking in the class, and when she is warned, her telling me off, so if we are going to have ego clashes here, better you do not come to my classes… yes, this was the first reaction of the mind. I kept sitting… and then I got out of the room when everyone finished. She was in shavasana and couple of more people also. When the others left, I went into the room; she was not in shavasana anymore but laying on her side. So, I sat beside her and touched her shoulder, then she said that she got hurt. I told her that she needs to practice to be concentrated in her own practice not to get all airy and get mixed up with others’ practices or whatever is going on around… I told her that she has a good practice, she works really hard to get the asanas she cannot manage and in short time, she manages them… this is all good, but besides the asana, we also need to go within, to not get distracted with everything so easily. I apologized from her for being so hard, and I needed to. Sometimes words come out without thinking and that is what happened, they just came out and of course I am a human too, so I do wrong as well… so I apologized and admitted that I could have told the same thing in much better way.

Being a teacher is the hardest and the most major trainings of all I guess. I realize that I am learning more than I could imagine. I am learning about relations, I am learning about myself, I am learning what happens when I compromise from myself, I am learning how to manage myself and others…

What else? Well I have been to a nutritionist with my mom’s insistence. That is another story. Briefly, I have to eat more protein. And I am doing a big effort now, it helps that she gave me some guidelines. Like Kathy the acupuncturist, she also told me that I need to eat legumes with rice like Indian people, then it is a complete protein source…

Need Backing maybe...

2009-06-13T11:05:00.003+01:00

Quiet… Going and then coming back always requires a bit of settling down time for me. Realization of what it could have been like with a good teacher all the time… then coming back and finding half of the students are gone… gone where? Vacation… and then some of them just don’t practice I guess since their TT has finished… well again “?” for me… practice for just TT mentality?
Don’t know, don’t know.

I am trying to read Sutras slowly. I have this book on Yoga Sutras of Patanjali I got for Tias’s training, it is translated and commented by Chip Hartranft. Back then, I was too intimidated to read it other than looking for the references Tias did during the training. Well, actually we really did not read much else than the booklet they gave then. However, to my surprise, this book is not intimidating, it is nicely written, not confusing, not over my head (is this a correct expression?) so I read and then try to implement, and yes not so successful yet ☺ trying to see the distinction between the self and the awareness, trying nonreaction, trying to observe, and still I get swept away… ohh well…

So again the thoughts of India, thoughts of maybe visiting Rolf and Marci in August since it will be even more empty here in that time. no need to struggle with that, and instead doing something that will benefit me... just a thought

A week of London!

2009-06-05T14:43:00.003+01:00

I am back from London after a week! It was great to visit this place where my journey of ashtanga practice began! It was great to practice with one of my first ashtanga teachers who had a great influence on my practice, on my commitment to the practice… It was great to drink lots of Monmouth coffee again. And it was great to stay and hang out with a friend with whom I met in Mysore.

I have lots of things to write about… lots of. But probably I will forget some of it with time; therefore, here is a quick one or two words…

Last weekend, we attended Matthew Sweeney workshop for jump troughs. I think I picked up one thing that will help me with strengthening the Moola Bandha. Sunday was self-practice elsewhere in Islington with a very nice lady and then brunch at Food for Thought; it couldn’t be any better! It was so fun to spend time with two ashtangis! all the yoga talk you can do and all the related stuff...

Then came my first day of practicing with Cary again after 2 years…She is so vibrant and so lovely! While It was great to so her again and, I was also so nervous! Kind of feeling responsible to do well since she hadn’t seen me for so long and I wanted her to notice that I have been working on my practice… I felt a bit like I am not as good as I could be; if I kept on with her all this time, I could be much better… and of course my knee injury did not make me feel any better, not doing anything or able to do many things properly… I guess it was a big humbling experience. Maybe it was more valuable than if I could do everything great; it was -yes you are back to the point where you begin and actually you are back to the physical place where you begin too! At least, now, she has seen me dropping back and coming up! Back then, for so many months she helped me with this, but I was too scared and could not do it. On the other hand, she knew I could do it and right after we parted, I did it! Because she worked with me so much on drop backs, I wanted her to see this. At last she has seen… and she is like Sharat, it is great to grab ankles with her… Then, she gave me some great tips for bakasana. I say great tips because obviously what I have been doing did not work since I still did not make much improvement in such a long time of endeavoring. Something has not been working, and I know mostly it is the fear factor. Cary showed me the way to go forward low, instead of jumping high and going down to the knees, which is much more difficult, especially if you are trying going high before you win over your fear of going forward… And now, I am determined! I have to do this, I have to do it and there is no other way; I will try many many times every day with pillows in front of me and I will do this before my birthday! Yes, here I say it, and so it has to be done, no excuses and no frustrations any more, just working on it with a determined and positive mind! See, how Cary is a motivating , encouraging teacher and with great ways to approach things without discouraging… not only a “just do it” approach, but actually giving really helpful tips. That is what is needed from a teacher. To show a way, which is workable for the student, a way where there can be improvements done. Also, she is such a good example of believing in the practice and believing in the power of will... Our mind tries to trick us to a lot of things that are not true; here comes my “maya”, illusion, of not being good enough, not being strong enough, not being this and that enough… Well, of course I need to get stronger, and I need to get better in what I do, but it does not help to think in a discouraging way. I think the way is doing it and realizing the patterns which set us back; therefore, we can change them. I guess this is true in most things not in only trying to achieve a posture…

Then I also I got to meet Oscar! He is a lovely baby. So calm and smiley and responsive to people. He really recognizes the people… For example, as I eneered the door, Cary said “look this is Ahu, an old friend” and he looked at me and then smiled! I found this incredible for a 5 month old! It was also wonderful to see Cary other than practice, and talk with her! Afterwards, I realized that I have grown up in some ways; maybe I was just more comfortable expressing myself…

I know London has been so much about yoga… But it has always been that way. Ohh also I got the third tattoo fixed so now it is really the third tattoo instead of that draft of a tattoo… I got it at the last moment at A Ture Love. In to You was booked of course, I asked them through email way before arriving to London… Anyways, the tattoo is sorted out and much more like what I had in mind in the first place.

Slump and full power...

2009-05-26T09:11:00.002+01:00

Yesterday was a slump practice, even though I woke up much earlier than my alarm clock. Usually, if I wake up earlier, it means I am full of energy but yesterday, everything was effort. I thought himm maybe after Tias workshop, I am out of tune… or lost it all… By now, you should know I am a bit black and white person, can suddenly imagine everything is gone… but of course I see that now and kind of smiled to myself and went on and I went on doing it all, Marcihyasana B and D even, after 2 weeks of knee caution. Well, that was maybe a bit too early, I could feel the knee afterwards… I did not stick to my plan of slowly introducing Janu Sirsanas this week, and not half lotus postures yet… Yes, I am bad in that regard. Well, this morning I got up early again, around the same time. I realized I kept having rocking and sliding dreams just like Tias’s workshop. I guess all that rocking and sliding have some meaning, some healing so that I absorbed them so deeply… or my beloved moon in pisces sucked up all the energy in that room in the weekend so this is the after effects… I woke up but this time full power. Yes, the practice was full power, I did Janu sirsasanas; with Marchyasana B and D, I chose to back of… My energy was high and big and so it was effortless practice. But I had to remember that most likely tomorrow will not be like this or maybe it will be… With the knee, I have to be patient, I see myself how I am prone to pushing it. Wait another few days!

I also had some after thoughts… He was telling me about their 500 hour program, since I have done the 200 hour. They have a week-long training right before I go to Boulder. I got excited first but then… I am just really turned off with his “the teacher” mode, the distance he puts, lack of heart… You know Rolf is such a big heart! Makes one feel utterly comfortable, accepted… With him, I feel awkward, I don’t know how to approach, to say something after all that studying I have done with him… looks very uninterested. And I know he is full of great information, great teaching… but that is all the mind… which will die. And I can get the information, I will get the information needed in some way, but I guess not from him for now. Maybe this is too bold to declare, maybe I might need to eat my words later on but I want to say how I feel right now!

Tias one more time!

2009-05-23T19:43:00.003+01:00

Tias is here one more time. He arrived on Thursday; I got to meet him today. I did translation during the workshop for people who do not understand English. It is not easy but was not as bad as I thought and at the last bit, one of my teacher friends took over, so I got to practice with everybody else ☺. It was a looonnggg day from 10 AM till 6:30PM. Tomorrow, it is also on but much shorter, from 10AM till 12:30PM only.

Today, Tias did very interesting stuff… less on the asana side but more on the reptile work of his… well more of the unwinding work. It was interesting and it looked like massage to the body and of course after translating all this while the students did it, I got envies… they looked like wow so relaxed… so I had to do it myself during the break! I think, now on, I can do all this instead of getting a massage. All the work was to release shoulders, to release the spine, the sacrum, the psoas… it is very nice work.

Lets see what he will do tomorrow. It will be on the cranium and I remember loving the cranium work during the training while in Santa Fe.

Farewell Guruji

2009-05-18T13:27:00.002+01:00

Ten minutes ago, I learned from my friend Odin, who is in Mysore now, that Guruji has passed away. I am very sad but I also have to realize that this is how life is… everything is impermanent and we will all die…
Guruji was still teaching when I went to Mysore for the first time; therefore, I was lucky to have his direct teaching briefly. I thank him as I have done so many times from my heart for teaching this practice to so many people, to our teachers, to us… Love and light to Guruji... farewell...

Poison Ivy Girl

2009-05-17T15:15:00.001+01:00

Ha, I have been down and up since Friday… I have been pretty nervous whole week about the knee. Then it was getting better as I said in my previous post… On Friday, I went to pick up the MRI. I took it to the doctor who looked at me two weeks ago. He was just finishing his shift for the day. He just looked at the report and briefly to the pictures and said you have micro tear on your meniscus! I was devastated. I asked if it heals and he said, “No, it does not heal… You can have an operation but I do not think you would be up for it, so you have to make your quads stronger.” I told him that my quads are pretty strong… and tried to describe the strength exercise I have been doing which M told me to do. His response was “you are on your knees when you have knee pain?”. I tried to tell him that I do not do anything that hurts my knee but he was frustrated, and I guess he was tired from the Friday shift and he told me that I will probably tear my meniscus fully if I go on like this :| I began feeling dizzy, faintly. I throw myself out of the emergency and ran to the other hospital which is across the street to make an appointment with the first doctor who examined me and requested the MRI. Then, I ran to do studio for the teachers meeting. S was there also, so I could cry to him and he was “it is okay, I had the same pain too, so I have it too then, what to do, we will continue to practice in a way we can…” It was great to have him there, because he is the only one who could understand me. Otherwise, I would sit there with this heaviness inside me, but having his support made me feel all right. Then I taught my class… After a drink with S and another person who took the class, I got home feeling very sleepy.

In the morning, I went to the hospital, with what will happen next mood… I went into the doctor’s office, he took the MRI pix on his bright board and the first thing that came out of his mouth was “Your meniscus is healthy”! I could not believe what I was hearing because I was just about to tell him, that there is this micro tear… He said that there is inflammation at the tip of the femur. I told him that I was told that there is micro tear in my meniscus, and the report, which came along with the pictures, also says something like that… He told me that he would not call this a meniscus tear, then he looked at the report and read it “there is an impression of micro meniscus tear…” His explanation was that he does meniscus operation; therefore, he knows how it looks really and he sees me and knows my symptoms and my symptoms do not match with a meniscus problem and the lab people only sees the pictures… they do not do operations nor see the patients… He told me that there is inflammation due to some trauma and pointed to the area exactly where I have the pain and he told me that it will heal in 3 to 6 weeks with resting the knee. I was so so so happy and so grateful! I believe he is correct because with one week of taking it very easy with the knee, it began feeling better. When I told him this, he said “so, two more weeks and you will be fine!”

I got out of the hospital on top of the clouds. Yes, I was overly excited, happy… I was so Vata, flying in the air! I know it is no good to go to such extremes. I could have thorn it and then what? I would have to deal with it, I was not going to leave everything. This whole experience taught me so much: I became much more attentive to the students with tight hips; I became much more aware that everything is impermanent and so I should enjoy what I have at the moment rather than longing for more or different; I realized that I have to keep going no matter what, the practice will be possible with or without injuries and will keep teaching me and nourishing me; I do not have to aim for the super duper always, just be happy that I can practice; take care of the body, be nice to the body and feed it well…

Then what happened? Well, David’s homeopathic treatment could go on since the problem seemed to match with his diagnoses and therefore, his treatment of poison ivy was relevant. He wanted to give me a large doze of poison ivy,then I would not have to take it everyday. He told me to pick it up from the studio. I went to the studio on my way to meeting Ken to explore the other side and asked if David left me a medicine. They gave me this small cone which had tiny tiny little pills in it, really tiny like mustard seeds. I thought for a moment, “is this the one I am suppose to take?” Well, the label said rhus tox which is poison ivy… so just like that, I swallowed the whole cone of tiny pills. Later, David called me to ask if I found the pills. Then he called again to ask if there were more of it and I said no. He also asked whether I touched it or not, no I did not…. Then he called me again and asked “Maya, how many you took?” and I told him that one cone. And David “Maya! you took the whole cone? You overdosed, you took so much! That is a huge amount of poison ivy, you were suppose to take only one of those!” He was kind of freaking and at the same time trying to stay calm and telling me that I am healthy and strong, so I should be okay and asked me whether I felt anything weird. I told him I was just feeling my lips a bit numb earlier and as I said this, I realized I was a bit high too ☺… so much poison ivy!!!! Then he called me one more time after I arrived home and he told me that if I feel any side effects, which I had to ask what they might be, to drink coffee, he said “side effects can be anything, if you get too angry, if you get too sleepy and cannot stand it… just go to Starbucks and begin drinking cups of espresso!” I was like “ha, that is why I did it, to have coffee finally!” Well I apologized for my goofiness. I was mostly concerned that I finished all this medicine which he was maybe going to give to other people as well! I guess I only got the sleepiness, the heaviness. Therefore, after teaching the led class, I came home with Flor for breakfast on my balcony and I had the coffee!!! Yeah it was great. But I know I should stay away from it until London. This was just not to be so dozed all they long with the over doze…

Better...

2009-05-14T16:54:00.001+01:00

The knee is getting better! I realized last night that the pain was much much less and it was the same in the morning. I still did the modified practice but it made me think that it might be possible to add the janu sirsanas next week! Slowly, slowly….

Today was a Ikea trip with mom. I got a bookcase since I was trying to go along with a small one which did not hold all my books, so some of them has been laying on top of the small book case and in a box…

I also realized that I can be a real bitch sometimes. It is always tough to face such things… well what to do? just realize it and maybe it changes…

Lotus

2009-05-13T16:28:00.002+01:00

A student of mine got into lotus today for the first time! She was all glowing when I looked toward her and then she pointed to her legs and quietly said “First time, lotus” I could feel her excitement so well! I got as excited as she was!

Me, on the other hand, doing okey. Continuing with the modified practice. This morning I was really full power as Rolf would put it. But so much in primary now is all modified; still my energy was really high… Well, got to do what you got to do, rite? But the weird thing is my right knee began feeling funny also!? I began thinking that this is all beyond physical. As usual with me, it might boil down to some emotional stuff. Kumar is probably smiling… Still I am worrying. What if I have some joint disease? Okay, after this thought, I just wanna go back to getting excited for my students lotus, which is much more positive.

Full moon weekend

2009-05-11T09:22:00.003+01:00

Friday was the MRI after my evening class… But I will not get the results until this Friday… so more waiting. The same evening my friends came over, we had a nice time talking, looking at Mysore style book, drinking some wine… I was able to stay up and be calm to my surprise. The full moon of next day as already making itself felt on Friday, so I was a bit uneasy, a bit scared due to the knee MRI, a bit like “himm I am not sure if I can socialize” but it turned out just fine. We had a nice time and it was better than sitting alone with my anxiety.

Saturday was the full moon. I went to the “Ecological Market”. I was not planning to go there this week but then, Ken the Rolfer just arrived to Istanbul and he asked me if I would want to meet him and his assistant there, and I of course would. I had to wait for them quiet a while tough… because they got lost ☺ lost for an hour… Istanbul can be hard to figure out, even for me, especially if you are trying to find somewhere like ecological market because not so many people know about it, they don’t even know what ecological market is..,. My first time to the market this year, I took a cab to get there because I did not remember where it was since I have been there only once. Of course the cab driver did not know where it was either, but I thought we could figure it out on the way. At one point, he asked me what is ecological market and I said that they sell produce grown without hormones, pesticides etc… and he said “produce with hormones?” he just understood the other way around… I try to briefly explain again. Organic food is a very new phenomenon in Turkey… It is growing more and more of course, but just for the upper and middle class… I guess that is like that in most places.

Well, it was very nice to meet Ken again. He will be in Istanbul for a while. It is always a pleasure to talk to him since he is a well of information. I told him about the knee… He said it might be meniscus :| he gave me some tips about how to modify my practice. After I told him how tight hips most of my students are and that they are having knee problems he was like “ahh you are looking to it from other way around, it is not your knee! “ well, yes, I am like that, I took on other people’s stuff very easily. For instance, last year, one of my students told me that they have pain at the back of their knee whenever they do ashtanga and that was very new to me, I said that I never have that… and of course next day I began having pain at the back of my knee which lasted for couple of months… I am like that…

Sunday was mother’s day lunch with my family. We went to a nice restaurant by the seashore. The weather was beautiful; we sat outside and enjoyed our lunch. Then I got home, I was very sleepy… I am feeling overly sleepy these days. I went to bed at 8PM and slept like a log until 3:45AM this morning… and I was still very sleepy but I managed to get up, practice and teach. I wonder if it is because of the homeopathic medicine David gave me or no coffee due to the medicine which is making me this much sleepy… Luckily, the practice usually wakes me up at some point of the practice. Sometimes it happens much faster, like during sun salutation and sometimes it happens much later, but it happens...

Ohh did I tell that I got the Visa to UK and then the ticket to London was already bought! I am looking forward to this vacation and I am hoping that I will have a healthier, happier knee by that time. Maybe it is too soon to expect this, but I put the intention, send the message to universe and to myself…