from rawness to ripeness...

I think about relationships these days.  And as I do, I see how fearful I can become... However, suddenly I had this opportunity to stop which was during my visit to Tarcin the cat, who will pass away very soon :(.  As I was caressing her, I remembered one more time that we are borne to this life to die at one point, and the time between our birth and death is the time to discover who we are, to realize ourselves instead of trying to improve, fix, change what is already there...  Learning to relax into being ourselves, having the courage to unfold what is deep down.  I realized that there is no reason to be apologetic about myself, about having the potential of being a pain in the neck some of the times or whatever... because those are irrelevant to who I am, to who any person is.  The person who will be with me will choose to be with me for who is in there, not for some other image they have in mind.  and I shall be with someone for who they are not for any other reason.  What occurs is a big growing, learning, maturing process between the two.  No expectations to load on anyone since no one can fulfill those.  Yet there is always possibility to learn from each other, by looking with naked eyes to one another and experiencing the good and the bad in one another, by practicing patience to be with the other in hard times and enjoying the experience each person brings into the union... and no need to loose oneself in the other, because it is a union of two halves, not one taking over the other.  

There is one quote from the book I read about Rumi I keep remembering, it says that nobody can transcend from rawness to ripeness on their own... so I have to keep reminding this to myself; to engage with people to know myself and perhaps no matter how painful some of the relations on the way...  I am not scared, there is nothing to be scared of.  

Tarcin, the alpha cat will be gone.  We will never forget her, and I will ever be thankful to her for bringing me back home to myself, to now...  what is in the future we never know, but there is now I cannot miss...

Athena and I

Today I had to remember to stop like it would be perhaps with Gurdjieff… now I stop to see my mind and if it has anything to do with reality of now or if t is just bringing in old stuff out of the closets of my memory bank… 

I got a bit anxious yesterday… It began with “ohh I am being flaky with my commitments” and then this is followed with other judgments of the self, and then panicking about the future and finally trying to make a u turn from all this. After all, I slept and actually had a good dream, which began fading as soon as I woke up…  I just felt the pleasantness of the dream, and then I saw it just slipping by from the memory since it was so early in the morning…

Well, is there anything substantial with my fears… maybe yes, maybe no…  However, it does not matter, I just have to live this time, which is so limited and can be so eternal… Life is presenting a gift maybe and I can miss it if I go round and round and confuse myself.  Last night, before I went to bed, I realized that I am not the person I was before, and if anything now, I can stop and see things a bit more clearly perhaps and practice to refine…  and no need to expect to be perfect, not to expect anybody to be perfect, or just to realize it is perfect as it is, me, the other, and others and everything else…   Practicing not getting lost on the way; keep waking up to now.  And remembering I will not be the same person tomorrow either, while Athena will be in Pergamom museum for a while longer looking as gorgeous as before where she represents a bit of the eternal in all... some dichotomy to think about :)

eternity in now

Good question,  how long is now? I guess it is as long as one makes it. August was not long at all but I have known months which were so long…  

Now, back in Istanbul after such a transformative month in Berlin.  First, it was amazing Maty whom I loved instantly!  She was a full power, inspiring, true heart.  I have no words to describe her.  I learned in those two weeks more than I have learned during last couple of years.  I bow to her with respect and love.  It was pretty sad to see her leave after those two weeks. Then, Chuck came and we had a moment until we got on the groove with him and that was mostly because of the course being split up like this.  However, after a while, we got on a very efficient track and he thought us a lot as well.  Chuck is very very good with his adjustments, of course he cheats a bit with his advantage of long limbs that can reach further than we could manage J but seriously he taught us well! and now I am looking forward to studying with them again and again... 

Of course, after a while we all blended pretty well.  I met lovely people in this course. Also there was a Goa group, those of us who have met before in Goa and also in Mysore. Well, one always meets lovely people in these courses I guess, but this time I was emotional…   I got so used to everyone, I felt really sad to apart at the end. This usually does not happen with me because I have been leaving places over and over so when the time would arrive, I would almost disconnect from my feelings… but then the ashtangi world is small, so hopefully I will see them at one point in one of those places we go for practice.

On the other hand, things seem to be shifting. Maybe it is the period I am in or each time I go deeper… I feel like this course affected me deeply, and changed me in some ways, touched my heart in several places.  I felt very emotional at times; very connected to the pain of a friend; got new understanding about practice, how it should and should not be and so on…  Also I have been watching some of those missing links in my life for the past few months and at the end of this month, I am being given a ticket to take a leap.  Now with a bit of tremble in my heart, I am daring to do things differently… As I wrote to a friend, it feels like a new chapter of my life is beginning suddenly and I have to figure out how to place myself in it, and it is so sudden and it feels so much like "uhh can it be real, how did I jump here from there..."  This is how it is with me, usually it is not progressive, I suddenly find myself in a new territory. And now learning to navigate in this new territory… my practice and teaching are changing as well as my priorities.  Well, change in the first two is always expected and welcomed so we grow as practioners, and teachers… but the last one!  With me, the stubborn one who would not look right or left, nor hear any alternative to her plans, compromise from them, now is thinking maybe it is time to bend the rules a bit to make room for other parts of my life… ha! but that is also the part of practice, isn’t it? as one of my first teachers told me…  relating, letting go of the past, learning from past mistakes, learning to look inside, making room for another, daring to take risks for change, to question and many more are all part of the practice… slowly I will see if I can… Dear Silvia told me I can do anything I want, and so I better remember that...