Go

Today, initiated a big step ahead. Now it is is up to the universe kind of… It is exciting and scary at the same time...

After I split ways, I walked down Istiklal Street, not exactly knowing my destination, thinking that I might go and see my body in her jewelry shop… Then I came by Saint Antuan church and I went in. Once in a while I go in there and light some candles and then go on my way. I am not a Christian, I don’t really practice any organized religion but I respect them all as long as they don’t kill each other. My mom grew up in one of the Princess Islands where there were Turkish, Greek blooded Turkish (as they call themselves Rum) and Armenian people living. Now there are not many Rums and Armenians left… The island has an orthodox church, a monastery, which if I translate named something like “Seclusion from the world” and then there is the Priest school on top of the hill. Therefore, mom grew up being used to going to these places for a visit, to light a candle, to make a prayer, to attend a ceremony… and when I was a kid, she would also take us together… In this manner, I got the habit of going into churches. This time, I went in and lighted three candles and then I sat on one of the wooden benches. I sat there, opened my palms, feeling the vibration of the church. Maybe because there has been a lot of people praying and services happening or because this church has been there for a long while since 1870s and has witnessed the history of the city, one feels the energy in the space easily. I sat first staring at the beautiful light blue sealing with golden ornaments and stained glasses on top… and then I just sat, my mind going into planning and me shushing it for a bit of stillness… back and forth… watching was not possible so much… Then I got up and looked at the people behind me, one old man just staring ahead, one young woman sitting a bit restlessly and then this young man looking down with a big smile as if he just proposed to her and she said yes… I walked out to the sun light. As I was approaching to my body’s shop I remembered she would not be there so I turned back and walked home with all these things spinning in my mind and time to let go…I got home and wrote a lot but was not sure whether to publish it all, it was a lot of justification... and I was not sure whether there was a point or not.

Then I picked an Osho Zen card which says...
"FIGHTING: The figure in this card is completely covered in armor. Only his glare of rage is visible and the whites of the knuckles on this clenched fists. If you look closely at the armor, you can see it's covered with buttons, ready to detonate if anybody so much as brushes up against them. In the background we see the shadowy movie that plays in this man's mind - two figures fighting for a castle. An explosive temper or a smoldering rage often masks a deep feeling of pain. We think that if we frighten people away, we can avoid being hurt even more. In fact just the opposite is the case. By covering our wounds with armor we are preventing them from being healed. By lashing out at others we keep ourselves from getting the love and nourishment we need. If this description seem to fit you, it's time to stop fighting. There is so much love available to you if you just let in. Start by forgiving yourself; you're worth it.
One moment it was there, another moment it is gone. One moment we are here, and another moment we have gone. And for this simple moment, how much fuss we make - how much violence, ambition, struggle, conflict, anger, hatred. Just for this small moment! Just waiting for the train in a waiting room on a station, and creating so much fuss: fighting, hurting each other, trying to posses, trying to boss, trying to dominate - all that politics. And then the train comes and you are gone forever."

happy journeys to all of us...

Mental poop and laundry detergent

This blog is mostly about what I come across in daily life and then some mental poop, not about incredible stories of self-realization, evolution… I guess half of the time I write about mental poop. It is like what one of my teachers was saying “when you sit, it goes all “me, me, me” and you see that you are sitting in your own poop.” And just like this, sometimes my blog is like that, I don’t hide anything, pretty much self-exposure. I guess I make it easy to be criticized… but hey I am not going to try to make myself likable because that just does not work, whoever will not like me, will not like me eventually anyway. I cannot really change that. And what I was told and also actually experienced for myself is that you can teach what you practice… it is not for anybody to dictate that, not me, you or anybody else.

Okey, on a lighter note, I am going to make my own laundry detergent. I came across the recipe on the web some weeks ago. But I guess I bought one wrong ingredient. I got barote instead of borax :p… lets see, I will still use it because the pharmacy lady said that barote can be used for detergent making and that is actually why I got that when I was just about the get barox… It is not complicated, I will see if it works.

Note to self

Where does it begin and where does it end… the ego… the inflation, and diminishment… I have been struggling with this for a while. I have a low self esteem syndrome but then there is also another side of me which knows, pretty damn well knows that I am not in anyway unqualified for what I do and whatever I put my mind to do… because I am a professional student so I try to learn my lesson as well as I can and also I am honest, I tell what I do not know, pretty clear… so then what happens… of course with my low self esteem, I stay quite, almost waiting to be discovered and then I see other people with less experience etc. getting out there and marketing themselves really well. When I see this, I began getting frustrated and mostly to myself… I also get frustrated when people are not humble with the practice… But then what do I know really? I mean how can I expect another to see the practice the way I do… It is different for everyone, I always say this. So, I guess it is also different in terms of what we all get out of it… I expect to get more humility, more calmness, and more softness… I do it with an eye of self-investigation… with Richard it became deeper like that… so what if you kiss your toes in paschimottanasana, realize that it is ridiculous… I feel calm and in peace and a bit blue when I listen to Richard or Sharath talking because I feel that everyone of us who are sitting with them are accepted as we are and we are not compared to one another, we are just expected to practice and go deeper… I feel sentimental because I feel a relief, which touches me at the core of my being… Yes, it can also be a jungle in Mysore as well, but then when we are practicing in the shala we get all wiped from our egos somehow, maybe it is the shala, it is the place… and you go by with a sense that it will all come together and it does at the end… On the other hand, here I tend to get lost... I am so reluctant to put myself forward. But the real problem is I also got irritated with the ones who brag and this irritation, of course, harms me more than anyone else, because I seethe inside and I isolate myself. I have to learn to be indifferent to things that really do not matter. What does it really matter if someone things they are golden when they are just like all of us? It does not make me any less… so there is a bit of insecurity in me, so I feel threatened, here goes my own ego… but really this is a bit illusionary, time to really, not just logically, realize this!

Lodos, the wind...

I am not writing… then what am I doing, right? Well, I am watching, watching my thoughts… sometimes with a bit of embarrassment… I want to be more indifferent to some of the things, yes more. I watch the mind, I see how I get bothered, or anxious or suspicious. And I guess this is okey and honest.

Otherwise, the city has been under the wind, which we call Lodos. I don’t know if this wind occurs anywhere else than in Istanbul, but since my childhood I would hear my mom and then my sister blame their light-headedness, tiredness to Lodos. And now I do the same… Lodos is a warm wind, which churns the sea crazy and then after it is gone, there is rain, snow, something falling from the sky… Well, I think there has been lodos and I have been tired most of the time this week. Also hunger is there most of the time. Sometimes I wonder maybe it is not the lodos but something else like my friend Ewa had. She told me that she has gotten sick after staying in India so long; she was tired and hungry all the time no matter how much she ate and if I remember correctly, they figured out that she was having iron deficiency… Maybe I am dealing with something like that. Every morning I take spirulina+amla capsules, which we have bought in Auroville and also the wheat grass powder my sister got for me… I donnu… and on top of it all, I do not do the whole primary +half of second epic anymore, the longest I do is half primary with half second, which mean I should be okey energy wise… well, maybe it is the seasonal change…

The practice is good, bad, full on, full off… variable as you can get it. When I am at home, I do some circus ☺ as Rolf would put it. I try to do to Chakra Bandhasana by myself. So far, my left hand holds the left ankle then I walk it a bit up but with the right, I am not able to grab yet, it hangs out there :p Well, trying to do it yourself is a bit extreme maybe, but I know people can do it, and the backbends are no problem for me and it has been comfortable when Sharath helps me and my body knows how the stand feels, so I play around with it with a bit of fear of rolling down like hula hoop… Then, I try kicking to handstand in the middle of the room, sometimes one breath there and then I can come off from the side, which is a good thing to learn. When it comes to kicking with two legs as R&M would love to see me doing, I have been avoiding but today I start aiming for forward as Kino describes in her DVD so less panicky for me when I think forward… still lots of practice needed until I get it, but I have my whole life, no hurry, just keep practicing as always…

Then, Gail has arrived. For her, it is a whole adjustment to a new country, culture… She is sweet with a good sense of humor. Of course another virgo! We hang out sometimes… it is good to have a friend with whom I can talk Ashtangi stuff ☺ and also other stuff…

ohh more...

As I was meditating (ohh well obviously not really) and feeling fat and bloated all these things began pouring in… As I mentioned previously my humble opinion about shifting from practice to practice, I forgot to mention my thoughts in recent days regarding teachers… Those teachers whom we hope would fix us… of course not all students are like that. Anyway, I was thinking that when one has a problem with a teacher it is probably most of the time not the teacher but the student who creates this problem since our experiences are mostly shaped by our expectations, opinions and thought patterns etc…. of course this is not always the case, there are times when we have no control over what is happening but I am talking about the usual case… so I have been having this problem with one of my teachers. It is mostly in mind, not really out in the open; I have been feeling hurt, neglected, and snapped by her… and therefore, I do not want to go back even tough I love and miss the other one a lot… As I have been going through all these in my mind and sharing it with few friends, I realized that this was also me who could not be strong enough. I felt like I made her get disgusted with me because I was not strong but then at least maybe not physically strong as she expected but if I were mentally strong enough, I could stand up for myself instead of taking it all and then after a month realizing how all that was rubbish… And standing up does not have to be all dramatic, it can be just a strong attitude behind who you are... It is in my hand to make it all a different experience, something to keep in mind so if I want to go see him, I shall not be stopped by anything… There seems to be not much difference between shifting from one style practice to another and from one to teacher to another... and as I reread the Gita, I could not help but earmark the page where I read in the commentary "The function of a teacher is not to teach but to help to put the the learner in possession of himself. The questioner has the true answer in himself." Something to keep in mind...

Other than thinking too much, I had lunch with sweet dad and he was telling me how he could not sleep all night because of Dharma, their tiny schnauzer who got operated on Friday. Dad told me that mom and him talked this over and decided it was not necessary to get her fixed but then, suddenly last week mom decided to do it and took poor Dharma to the veterinary… Dharma stayed there for few nights and today they picked her up. Dad could not sleep all night because he was concerned that Dharma would begin jumping around when she sees them and her stitches would burst… talking about my vata mind, yeah with these parents, no surprises, ha!
Miss Dharma in snow

Regarding fat and bloated… these days I have weird view of myself. I feel that I have legs like fat pillars while my arms and chest are still skinny… what the hell…

Slowing down...

So, this month is slowwww… meaning that I teach few privates and then planning for the future. In June it will be full on Mysore mornings again but until then this vata mind is going crazzzyyy when the physicality is less… of course the practice is going on but uhh I need more than that always, so the mind calms down. Actually I was thinking the other day about meditation techniques and why I am drawn to Osho meditations more…. I thought that the reason is probably because Osho meditations mostly involves some kind of dancing or physical movement before the actual meditation part. They last an hour most of the time and the first part is usually meant to prepare one to sitting, to empty the mind from the rubbish accumulated during the daily life. Anyways, so I guess I need to practice more of Osho meditations these days rather than just trying to sit…

The other thing I was thinking was why people switch between yoga styles. That is for me is just another escape… it does not actually matter which practice you do, it can even be sweeping or just walking or painting etc... the thing is going deep in one. Letting go is not letting go this style of yoga practice and beginning another one until you recognize you hit the same wall, your so called limitations, or more accurately mind limitations or your issues which begin coming up, or fear of failure or not being up to do the harder work which is waiting ahead… I donnu, this just came up in one of those moments where I was more insightful than vata mind…

And of course planning for the future is always an issue for me. I have to relax in this subject because after a point you cannot control all, you do what you can and then watch what unfolds… so, Sharath begins teaching at the shala from beginning September 5 on…

At least 10 more years ahead...

I watch myself being impatient, irritated, disappointed etc… and then I ask myself where, when, how it will be more tranquil consistently? This morning I thought maybe city life is not for me anymore. I get frustrated with the traffic, with the hassle of getting from one point to the other… I got so used jumping on my scooter and cruising around while in India… or jumping in a rickshaw, still not much traffic. Even the street lights in Mysore were a bit irritating after Goa… but now I think it was super easy to get to one point from another… Ahh, of course me thinking city life is not for me is a bit ironic after so many arguments with A about whether to live in a big city or in the jungle… I was all for the big city… well I am not as extreme as A, Mysore is okey for me, would not think of it as a big, unbearable city… the good think he did not end up here though… and I will adjust perhaps in few more weeks.

Certainly, it is not only the difficulty of traveling around the city. Again, my monsters creep out from the corners they have been hiding for a few months. My friend whom I met yesterday was telling me “you come here and it is so much ego oriented city, you begin feeling unsafe and go back to the old patterns to feel safe, such as blaming yourself, feeling less than what you are, wanting to hide in your house, not to be much out there, wanting to run back to India, be a student forever, etc”. I think she said it is the superego which does this… Well, I go back and forth between the voices of my superego and the voices which reflects the reality. I guess it is better than what it had been before in terms of the rapidness of snapping out of the superego tales… but still so much work to be done. And then getting angry sometimes… it is all right, and I am not an angle because I practice yoga, I am nowhere close to being enlightened because I practice yoga and sometimes you gotta get angry so people would be aware that they are steeping out of their boundaries… Okay, the story is that this place without asking me took my photo and the information regarding Ashtanga yoga (which I quoted and translated from an article by Annie Pace…) from my website and put it on their website.. I was shocked when I saw this… I don’t know how long that this has been there but of course it was not nice, I do not teach there, and I put all the money and time into getting my photos and then getting my website done and arranging the information etc. and they just take it, put it there with a note which just says “quotation”… While they were taking all this, there was my email address, they could have asked me if they could take… So, I first emailed the person who owns the place but after not hearing back from him for 5 days, I called the place and told them either to put my website address under or to take it out. Of course couple of days ago it was still there, so I called again yesterday and the lady on the phone had excuses and yelled at me how come I practice yoga but I was not patient? And that she did not know how to change it and the owner’s dad was sick etc… and so I was unconsidered… I said I have no information what is going internally in their business, all I am asking is to change this, and it should not be so difficult. And of course, I was blamed of not listening to her, all the problems she has. We hanged up then I called her back telling that I feel bad about this argument and she said she also feels bad and I told her that it is not considered of them to just take information like this especially when they can easily ask me, since they knew how to get to my website, and right there is a contact info… and all the effort I put, why then? I should just copy paste other people’s stuff there which are much better etc… and I have to tell her because I do yoga I am not enlightened in any way, I am a normal person who has lots to figure out yet. Yes, I do have lots to figure out yet... and one of the things I guess is to take it less seriously, why do I care so much that they took it, I have to relax and anyways, who am I?

Did yoga take me further towards being a better person? Maybe a small step into watching myself; my patterns are much more clearly visible to me now; however, I am still not transformed. I do not want to say I have no control over them because I do not believe control is the key, you control and then it explodes at some point… but to transform… Well I guess seeing is the first step but there are so many steps ahead. And I always remember one of the stories Richard told us about Krishnamacarya; one guy asked Krishnamacarya “how long does it take yoga to work on someone?” and K’s answer was “it takes 3 to 4 months, but of course you only begin practicing yoga after 10 to 15 years of trying to practice yoga….” ☺

A Massage!?!

This week was overall just another week, no major happenings… However, one interesting things was the massage I got from this old lady… Well, it was not your usual hands on massage, she had this vibrating machine that she used… for a while, I thought “this is lazy massage, instead of using her hands she is using this machine on me…” and when she used her hands or the elbow, she would just dig in, as if she wanted to make me hurt or find parts that hurt… and when it hurt she said “because it is unhealthy”. For her, I am a total mess, me being a non-smoker, non-drinker, vegetarian and 6 days a week yoga practitioner and yes I am a mess. My vegetarianism was a big problem for her. After so many stuff she said against it, I had to tell her to quit trying because I am not eating dead animals… She was right about some stuff such as me having low blood pressure and not a great circulation… She said it is all because my lymphatic system is dried up (because I am vegetarian…) and she would occasionally say “so you do yoga but what good it is when you are in such bad condition.” God she was negative and at one point I told her that she is very negative and she said, “No, I am positive but when it is bad I have to tell…” She dug into my ankles, into my knees, into my groins, and to my sacrum, to the sciatica… and did cupping even under my feet! Of course me being a vata, I got all bruised now! Well, Kumar told this us during the massage course, you do not dig into Vata people even if they ask for it, if you do, you damage their tissue, bruise them and so as he said I got bruised… And this was not the only thing, actually the most entertaining part was that she was very concerned that I was prematurely aging… She told me that the line between my eyebrows is too early for a 32 year old! And then that thing under my chin! And I was “what thing under my chin???” I always thought I looked younger than my age and the people who know me usually thing so as well… I was confused but at the end I had to tell her “look, we will all age and die… it is okay”. Maybe she worked with too many women who were overly concerned about staying young, I donnu… Ha, then she was confused with my answer and she could say “yes age but in a strong way”. Well the other times she did not verbally abused me, she gossiped about the other clients of whom mostly I knew…

I asked for this massage and I got it; therefore, I cannot blame the lady too much. The whole thing lasted 4 hours! Torture machine lady had to leave at the end because I made her leave. I told her that I had a class which was actually true… Over all, was she helpful? I think actually it was helpful in some ways. After her, that night, I was in pain almost all over but now, two days later, I feel fine. Some of the minor aches I had (before her) here and there is gone and then my knee, which has been much better lately, feels even better now… Will I get another massage from her? Maybe not, and even if I do, not so soon… First, I had to gain the courage to go under such pain again… and then, I cannot afford to pay such money all the time… furthermore, I frankly neither want to be part of the gossip circle nor hear about other people's private lives... Also I want to figure out myself how to get my lymphatic system and circulation work better rather than relying on someone else for it, there should be self-applicable techniques… I do not like to rely on someone all the time to be healthy… especially when I am up right a normal person…

I feel sorry that I am not such a great advertisement for her with writing all this stuff, but I heard that she helped many people to gain their health… and you know she is sweet actually... Still I have to be honest. I think the worst part was her negative talk; you cannot heal someone with all that “the tattoo is good but the leg is bad, what kind of neck is this? All bad” kind of talk… (and I am not a smoker, drinker etc kind of person who needs to be frightened to stop doing all these stuff...) I mean, didn’t we all see in that documentary when you say bad stuff to the water the molecules get all screwed up and then when you say good stuff they all make beautiful patterns, just like that I think, to a certain extend, our bodies behave in that way too... So, to wrap it up, I love my body, I do not think it is in a bad shape, I am not in physical pain majority of the time, I practice every morning and I enjoy and feel strong and I feel young! :p